by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 22, 2009 | Blog
More thoughts from Chapter 5 of Get Thin Stay Thin, formerly known as Thin Again and Silent Hunger, by Arthur and Judy Halliday…
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I wrote about Chapter 5 a little bit previously, in this blog entry. God has given us a desire to experience intimacy, connection, and worth, but we so often settle for counterfeits. The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin state that one of the reasons this is the case is often rooted in our upbringing. Many of us are quick to blame our current struggles on our pasts. Always “the victim,” we have a blind spot–that of needing to own our choice to sin. We are free in Christ to choose. If we struggle with sin, we do not have the right to blame our choice to sin on our pasts. We may have a predisposition to struggle with a certain sin because of experiences we have had, but in Christ, we are VICTORS, not VICTIMS.
On the other hand, others of us refuse to consider that there may be reasons for what we struggle with now. We minimize that we are a product–at least in part–of our past experiences. We don’t connect our current beliefs with these experiences and, in not making the connection, we can often stay stuck.
As we identify the legitimate reasons we may struggle with a sin, and confess our choice to sin, we find freedom. There is a balance we need to find.
It is my prayer that all of us will seek the TRUTH–God’s truth. What is mine to own, I will own. What is a result of experiences of my past, I will allow God to reveal to me, dismantle and transform my beliefs about myself and about Him by the renewing of my mind.
With these things in mind, I share the following quotes from chapter 5:
…we are born into families where faulty dynamics may deprive us of the intimacy, security and significance God intended…Unable to distinguish between the negative messages sent by family members and our own sense of self-worth, we assume the deficiency lies with us. The result is shame–a feeling we are defective, valueless creatures who do not deserve the good things in life. GTST, p. 99-100
If the enemy and his minions have their way, we will be convinced–believe–this lie! But this is hardly what God’s Word says. The very fact that He gave His Son for us demonstrates that we are far from “defective, valueless creatures.”
–> Do you tend to think of yourself in these terms? Or do you see yourself as treasured, priceless, esteemed by the Ultimate, Almighty, Sovereign God of the Universe? Consider how who you believe yourself to be may affect your behavior. I know it affects mine!
The shame that is rooted in our childhood experiences, leaves us with a prevailing sense of worthlessness and insignificance that can lead to the false belief that we are hopeless and cannot change. Our lives then become a quest to prove our worth and to achieve a sense of security and significance by our own efforts. GTST, p. 100.
Oh, how true I have seen this to be! I go on quest after quest to prove I have value. For a season, it was as a “Graphic Design Queen” (sometimes it still is). For another season it was as “Church Lady”– or Bible Study Coordinator…and it has even been as the “Poster Child for Thin Within!” All of these (and more!) have been attempts to create little kingdoms where I can feel good about myself. It seems as though if I can’t ascend to a throne of an established “kingdom,” I will build my own little empire and declare myself ruler.
What a relief to stop this madness! What a relief to begin to change my beliefs–that God has declared me of great worth!
Those of us who struggle with food, eating, and weight, may spend our lives performing for acceptance because we equate our self-concept with personal appearance. When our reflection in the mirror is less than perfect we may continue our abusive patterns of starving or stuffing. GTST, p. 101
This is why for me, The Search For Significance materials have dovetailed so beautifully with the work I am doing with Get Thin Stay Thin. The two are intricately interwoven and connected. Having “ascended to the throne” of “Queen Thin Within” (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek), I have felt this pressure to keep up the appearance…the appearance…the appearance. I have been consumed with my physical appearance. It is easy for this to happen because over the past couple of years, I have gotten so many accolades and praises for losing the weight or looking the way I do now.
It makes sense that if I feel that my crown is slipping, that I am falling off the throne…that I have physically changed …gotten bigger…even if “only” by ten pounds, that I would feel devastated. My self-concept has been SO connected to my physical appearance!
It doesn’t help that the enemy declares “Ha! Fraud! Impostor! Fake!” as he laughs with glee. He plays on the shame that is rooted in my past…that I am defective and valueless.
So, punishing myself, for a short while, I returned to some of the behaviors of the past.
I am so thankful that I haven’t just thrown in the towel like I have in the past. I haven’t accepted the “crown” of “defeat,” “loser” that the enemy would have me embrace.
No, I stand knowing that I am precious in God’s site, that my performance does not define who I am, or my worth! I have invited the Lord to renew my mind with this belief, this TRUTH. My performance does not define who I am and my value. I do not need to rally to win the approval of others–OR of GOD!!!–in order to press on with my head up!
As I shared in yesterday’s blog entry, he has been doing a new thing and continues to do so…a much deeper, eternal thing. My physical body won’t be going with me to glory! Who I am becoming will.
by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 18, 2009 | Blog
Think for a minute about a counterfeit…counterfeit money or counterfeit jewelry or a counterfeit of a great work of art. Designed to look, act, seem to be the real thing, there is one small problem with a 
counterfeit–it isn’t the real thing. It doesn’t cut it. On the surface, sure–all appears in place. But not once you get deeper. Just as it would be appalling to welcome an impostor disguised as someone you know and love into your home, it misses the mark when we welcome counterfeit means of meeting deep needs of our hearts with fakes, counterfeits, “impostors.”
God declares you worthy of love, connection, and intimacy as His precious children for whom he sacrificed his only son. Your security, significance and self-worth are firmly established in this truth. As his children, your need to be valued, cared for, appreciated, and connected to another is rooted and grounded in God’s love. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 99
It is a God-given need to experience intimacy, connection, and worth…God has gifted us with this desire and its proper fulfillment… GTST, p. 99
If I think about this for a minute it really isn’t where I live. This need for these things. Well, it seems like a curse more often than a gift. Left unfulfilled, it results in pain…and that is why I turn to things to not feel.
The key is proper fulfillment.
What is “proper fulfillment?”
If I can discover that, I know the drive to “numb out” wouldn’t be there! The counterfeits wouldn’t be so appealing as the real thing would more than suffice!
The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin point out that in our families of origin, these needs were not only often left unmet, but we received messages that actually countered God’s truths. Most of us were in dysfunctional families…people did their best, perhaps, but nevertheless, they sent us messages that we interpreted as devaluing. We began to believe we were deficient, valueless…and shame may have begun to grow very early. We may believe we don’t “deserve” the good things in life as a result.
Last night, when I was meeting with my accountability partner, God revealed that he had shown us both the same thing…there is a core belief operating that comes (for me at least) out of my dysfunctional upbringing. It is a belief that flies in the face of GOD’S TRUTH.
The false belief (lie) that:
I do NOT deserve to be thin, healthy, and happy.
I used to discount this notion… the notion that I embraced this false belief. It sounded like so much psycho-babble, frankly.
But working through the Get Thin Stay Thin book (what used to be Thin Again and Silent Hunger), I realize it IS true. The messages communicated to me growing up were that I was a mistake, a bother, a lot of trouble and unwanted. Somehow, I have taken a hold of that and turned it into a definition of my value or worth now…and if I have little value or worth, I definitely don’t deserve a happy life…or a rich, blessed life…a joy-filled life and anything “good.”
As a result, I have been desperately trying to sabotage all that God has been trying to work in me and through me. I lost the weight that I did probably by sheer determination–a “Just Do It” mentality–but I have been battling keeping the weight off, sabotaging everything…so now God is showing me the truth behind the following words in the Get Thin Stay Thin book:
God calls us, through the most basic function of our daily life, to look deeply into ourselves, to look beyond a simple change in our size or outer appearance: He wants to transform us from the inside out for eternity. GTST, p. 117.
This is about so much more than losing weight and keeping it off!
There is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). God sent His son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).
But I keep condemning myself!
If we believe at all that we aren’t *worthy* of having a healthy physical body, or of enjoying being thin or something related..we may very well continue to sabotage our own efforts.
For me this comes back to allowing the Lord to renew my mind with HIS truth. Replacing those lies I embrace with HIS truth. Rejecting my old unworkable beliefs. He says I am worth dying for. Certainly HE defines my worth as being that beyond anything I could fathom given the price he paid to redeem me…It is stunning to consider.
I am working on changing what I believe as I know that beliefs affect my actions…the very actions that I don’t understand about myself…derailing my efforts to honor God with my eating and drinking. To grab at the counterfeits when I know they are impostors masquerading as satisfaction.
Lord, please help us to embrace truth about our value and worth in your sight. I pray that we might reject the lies of the enemy that keep us wallowing in a place from which you have set us free. We think we don’t deserve to leave our prison cells. So, even though the chains have fallen and the doors are open, we stay in our cells, frittering away our lives, beating ourselves up, convinced we deserve that or less. Oh, Lord, we must reject these things. Help us to allow you to lift our eyes…to see the doors are wide open, you have set us, the captives, free! You have chosen to attribute to us Christ’s righteousness. We aren’t just forgiven. We have been given the righteousness of Christ. Because of your declaration and all you have accomplished, we “deserve” all the blessings that go along with the inheritance of your precious son! Oh, what a great amazing gift this is! May we walk in the splendor of the calling we have received! May we reject lies and embrace YOUR truth…step into the freedom you have for us. Help us to believe the truth, Lord. In the Name of Jesus and for His Sake, Amen.
by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 10, 2009 | Blog
Approval Addicts…
“…rarely expect to achieve anything or to feel good about themselves. Because they have failed in the past, they believe their present failures only show how worthless they really are. They often become extremely sad and stop trying because they fear more failure.” The Search For Significance Workbook, p. 26
I was so convinced that keeping the weight off was merely a “fluke” after all the years/times I lost weight only to regain it. The two months of indiscretion that resulted in this current weight gain merely confirmed the lie that I have embraced as truth–that I will always be fat and will always fail at keeping weight off. The shame and sense of failure has resulted in wanting to eat more–the fat machinery. (Journal, 2-05-09)
Practical things I now choose to do to combat some bad habits that have resurfaced and to also help me to be more conscious:
- Setting my timer for an afternoon quiet time…even if only a few minutes to be sure I am quiet before the Lord again.
- Renewed commitment to the Keys to Conscious Eating (called “The Principles for Weight Mastery” in the Get Thin Stay Thin book).
- Cutting my portions in half like I used to. Even if my portions seem small to me right now…if I am hungry again later, I can eat, but right now, I need to offer what I might normally eat as an offering to the Lord. I certainly won’t starve. Unlike others who have commented on the blog, I don’t mind eating smaller portions frequently if that is what it takes.
- Any time I eat, lingering a while with hunger to assess if it is truly physical hunger. Even if I put off eating for 5 minutes and sit still with the Lord about it…that can help me to see if this is really hunger or not.
- PUTTING THE SCALE out of the house. My clothes are a really good indicator to me right now if I wonder. I will be comfortable again in my Levis 🙂 if I release weight. But it isn’t like I don’t *know* if I am lying to myself about my eating. I know if I am eating according to hunger and satisfaction. I don’t need a scale to tell me and I don’t need even my clothes to tell me!
- Drinking only water. For years I drank diet soda…no calories and all that “great” taste. I can’t switch to sugared beverages and not expect it to have an effect. I am trying to develop my taste for water. This is hard for me! 🙂
These are the practical things that the Lord has led me to do.
But the things that are harder to measure…like “I will process what is really going on…” I will do that, too. This blog is part of that, my journal is, giving myself permission to make my quiet time include this stuff instead of just studying the scriptures (which I love to do)…These things are vital, too.
Under grace we have the freedom to err, knowing that we are always cleansed by the blood of Christ. This keeps us out of legalism and the distorted thinking that says, I must eat this; I can’t eat that; I did it right; I did it wrong; I was good; I was bad. Such thinking is part of the diet mentality that keeps us focused outward instead of inward, where the spiritual battle of disordered eating must be won. Get Thin Stay Thin p. 90
Some mistakenly think that TW teaches that we can sin all we want–that this is grace! This is NOT the case. The truth is that because of the amazing grace of the Lord, I want to respond in obedience. My salvation isn’t dependent on my obedience. It is unbiblical to think that it is. It is by grace I am saved, through faith and even *that* is a gift of God so that no one can boast!
But when I DO err, this very grace that brought salvation to me is available to me now as well…Like Joe Donaldson said recently on the TW forums, grace isn’t something that is a one time event for salvation. It is there moment-by-moment. God extends this grace freely to me–not that I might sin, but also that I might not wallow in self-condemnation! How self-indulgent it is to beat myself up! He calls me to lift my chin, lift my eyes, and move on! To allow His forgiveness, purchased on the cross of Christ with His broken body and spilled blood, to wash over me…
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 12, 2009 | Blog
Continuing to make my way through Get Thin Stay Thin, also known as Thin Again, and Silent Hunger…
Have you ever had to endure well-meaning friends or relatives say to you, “So why don’t you just eat less food?” Or “Can’t you just stop?” These clueless but loving folks don’t understand that there seems to be something else at work…something that almost seems compulsory. They don’t understand that things are misfiring and, at times, we seem to be controlled by food.
So how did this happen? How did we get to a point where the natural way we were born…to cry out for food when our stomachs were empty and to be pleasantly content when our stomachs had an appropriate amount of food in them…how did this process get derailed?
How DID we get to a point where our eating is/was so disordered?
In chapter one, the authors begin to wade into the deep answer to these questions. Connecting these current behaviors to experiences that we have had earlier in life, helps us to understand that we did the best we could at the time…and began to cope differently with life than the way we might have apart from the experiences that unfolded. We were beyond ourselves. For some of us, it may have happened when we were 6 and ridiculed by an older brother. For others, it may have been as a result of repeated deep trauma. And for still others, it may have happened later in life, when we were betrayed by our spouse or a dear friend.
Something, somewhere in our stories, triggered something in us that caused us to step out of God’s order…into survival mode.
“I felt unprotected and vulnerable and my feelings of self worth eroded.” GTST p. 21
This is the result of one story included in the book–one which I could identify with. Can you? As you look back over the past year, the past decade, your entire life have you ever felt unprotected and vulnerable? Who hasn’t? Is it possible that this is connected to the way you struggle with food, eating, or your body?
Personally, I felt very unprotected as a child–very vulnerable to being wounded by those who were supposed to cherish and protect me most. I see now that this set me up to head toward a way of coping that would fail miserably to ultimately serve me in the long haul. Nevertheless, it enabled me to survive those difficult adolescent years…
Facing the past and taking responsibility for the choices I make in the present have given me a new experience of freedom, both in my eating and in my relationships. GTST, p. 21
The authors don’t encourage us to blame our current difficulties on the past, certainly, but they do encourage us to have an honest look at our stories to see if there aren’t justifiable reasons that we may have been predisposed toward disordered eating. Many of us never intentionally headed down this road and yet here we find ourselves.
I believe that having this honest, yet challenging, look is vital to our permanent healing. I know it is for me.
Thin Within jarred me into the truth of what I had to risk to change my life. GTST p. 24
This is true of me as well. My first exposure to this material was when I was fresh out of Weigh Down Workshop. I realized for the first time that there was a LOT of emotional baggage that had set me up to have “issues.” I was going to have to risk a lot to change. I do now as well. I keep hoping that I can find a way to cut off this process…to find another way around, a short cut or something.
…as I stopped overeating and started praying, I began to accept God’s love and to know that he validates me just as I am…By being willing to experience my hunger I become more open to the joy and the pain in my life. With God’s help I am choosing to change old patterns, to trust myself, and to love and be loved. GTST, p. 24
AM I willing to feel hunger? I seem to begin the day where I am ok with this. Maybe it is because I also start the day filling up on the Bread of Life–spending time alone at the feet of Jesus. I am fully satisfied in him. I don’t mind waiting for hunger until I can “get around to” eating.
The more the day unfolds, however, the less I am willing to wait and to feel physical hunger. I wonder if, at some level, when the day gets going…and real life hits including the sense of inadequacy I sometimes feel…if I yet am relying on the old coping mechanisms?
And yet, what the person quoted in the book says is true: God validates me as I am…right now. NOT once “I have my act together.” I am so thankful that I know this truth to the depths of my heart. Sometimes I forget and get focused on performance-based living again, but it isn’t because I think I need to win God’s love…I know I don’t need to do that!
Being willing to allow God into this process all through the day is vital to my being able to be healed and renewed.
Willing to risk? Yes, I must be willing to risk that I will feel the emotional pain–the hunger–more fully, that I have, at some level–continued to numb with food and other things. But as I choose to offer myself to this process God will enable me to change, to trust, to grow. To become what he intends.
–> Are you? Are you willing to risk today? If you allow yourself to feel physical hunger it is possible, even likely, that you will experience your emotions to a greater degree. Are you willing to risk this? Are you willing to allow yourself to feel? You may also experience joy more than you have because, again, we can’t just numb ourselves to our pain and anger and disappointment. We also numb ourselves to joys, celebration, and hope. If you are willing, I want to encourage you…be ready to lean hard on the Lord. He will carry you through it. I know this from experience and, today, I choose to experience it first hand again. I am willing to risk today.
It has struck me afresh that for all of the things that he allows in my life, he has a divine purpose. He intends that the pain of living result in a holy purification, a transformation in me. Any time that I numb myself to the pain instead of going to Him to deal with it, I short-circuit his intention…leaving him with no other option than to bring yet another situation around that will cause me pain–that I might yet forsake the inappropriate coping mechanism and turn to him in fullness, experience HIS sufficiency and strength.
Transformation is at hand.
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 10, 2009 | Blog
Many of us use food to numb out. Or we use surfing the web or playing computer games…we turn to all manner of things when we don’t want to feel something.
Have you ever noticed that you can’t numb out JUST to pain, though? If you choose to numb out, you choose to be numb to joy (and other good things, too?). Similarly, if you want to avoid failure in life, you end up avoiding “success,” too, since the only way to avoid failure is not to do anything. To be honest, that, to me, IS failure. I want to LIVE. Jesus came that we might have life ABUNDANTLY! So enough with “just surviving” already! I don’t want to end the day like a Christian Eeyore saying, “Well…another day…I made it through…yippee…” (Said in the best Eeyore voice you can muster!)
This leg of the journey I know I must make a commitment. That I will NOT “numb out.” I know that the Lord has much he wants to accomplish.
In this part of the introduction of GTST, the authors highlight HOW we will get from point A to point Z? From broken–to restored. From ruins, to renovated by the Master Remodeler.
So how does this happen?
I must allow God to lead me to a place where I am:
- Free to risk – letting go of the past to live unencumbered in the present (1 Peter 1:6-7)
I am encumbered by my past. Are you? 10 years ago. 30 years ago. An hour ago. It all seems to define me NOW…This moment is new! I have a clean slate in this moment!
Hebrews 12 encourages me to toss off any sin that entangles and anything that encumbers. I don’t want my past to define me…that I am “an overeater” or any other label. I despise labels and how limiting they are. I throw THOSE off. I believe I have to throw off anything negative OR positive that may hinder me.
A big positive thing that sometimes hinders me is my connection with the Hallidays on the writing of the Thin Within book. What an incredible privilege that was, but with that association I feel this responsibility to BE perfect. To PERFORM! To BE the “Thin Within” poster child…That isn’t something the Lord demands of me. It is a burden I have chosen to carry. I choose to toss that off as well. He wants me to be authentic.
–> What encumbrances from your past hinder you in the present? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
- Free to change – being transformed from the inside out by the renewing of my mind. (Romans 12:2)
Barb Raveling, in her workbook, Freedom From Emotional Eating, describes “truth journaling,” a wonderfully practical way of distinguishing the lies I believe in the moment and replacing the lies with truth. As I go through the material in GTST, I know many lies I believe will surface. I must choose to replace them with truth. Sometimes, that which is familiar is hard to release–even if it is destructive. Familiarity seems so “warm” and “accepting.” I have a lot of familiar lies that I want to throw off. Yesterday really showed me that in vibrant living color!
–> Can you think of any lies that you believe? What truth may God want to replace these lies with? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
- Free to trust–Trusting God and the way He made me.
By trusting the signals of hunger and satisfaction…that my body was designed for these signals to be reliable by an amazing, masterful, good God…I have released all the extra weight I carried–100 pounds. When I continue to abide by those physical signals of hunger and satisfaction, my body stays at this “new” God-ordained size. When I don’t abide by those signals, I get larger than he intends. It is simple and reliable. I trust God with this. I have seen that it works.
But I DO have trouble trusting God about emotional things. As I wade back through some things that have surfaced recently (abandonment issues, for instance), I have to keep telling myself that God used the parents that he gave me to cause me to earnestly seek him. Their “mistakes” and sin were a part of my spiritual formation…my pursuit of a Heavenly Father. Developing my trust in God further will be part of this leg of my journey, I am sure.
–> Do you trust the Lord that he has made your body reliably? What can you do to foster greater trust in Him? What about with emotional issues? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
- Free to love – loving as Christ loves me.
Loving others can be painful. I guess it is that selective numbing thing again. If I choose not to love because I don’t want the pain that often seems to come with it, then I will miss out on the blessings, too. Often, it seems as though the pain is much more present than the blessings…
Right now, having come away from a challenging friendship that ended badly–someone who I hoped to encourage toward the cross of Christ–this is especially intimidating to me. Loving others…well…hurts. When I love, I give them the opportunity to wound me. I am vulnerable. I have a hard time with that.
–> Can you identity with being afraid to love? And how about being afraid to BE loved? How does this affect your eating? Your perception of your body?
Your silent hunger can be satisfied–with the true bread of life, our living God. GTST, p. 13.
What hope there is in these words–in this truth! The Lord’s Table workbook definitely was based on this premise. It is true. When I go to the Lord, I know that he is satisfying. Yesterday, as I drove home in my car through tears and battled my temptations to stop and get food or something to drink that would pacify me in some way…HE was there. He whispered His love to my heart…
If you are willing to listen to the voice of your silent hunger, you will find that God is present to soothe, satisfy and make you feel secure in ways that nothing of this world can. GTST, p. 13
This is so true. More than a Cherry Pepsi, more than a triple decadence chocolate cheesecake from the Deli, more than the best ride on my best horse under the most cerulean blue sky…God can soothe, satisfy and make me feel secure…nothing else does it like he can. Yesterday, had I turned to the cheesecake, I would have been numb to the pain for a while…Then, the hole in my heart would have been ripped open wider by going to a false comfort…the emptiness would have been more vast and deep.
Hunger is the doorway through which God enters our soul. He takes this place of greatest vulnerability and weakness and uses it to restore, satisfy, and sanctify us. GTST, p. 13
Wow…my greatest vulnerability and weakness? He can USE that? For this process? Wow…amazing. I continue to be astonished at how he takes our straw and spins it to gold like the “fairy tale,” only this one is true!
The message of the Introduction in summary I guess is that freedom comes not through stifling my hunger, but through embracing hunger. As I embrace hunger and take it to the Bread of Life, the One who alone can satisfy the emptiness in my soul, there will be freedom…REAL freedom.
Oh, how true I have seen this to be! I go on quest after quest to prove I have value. For a season, it was as a “Graphic Design Queen” (sometimes it still is). For another season it was as “Church Lady”– or Bible Study Coordinator…and it has even been as the “Poster Child for Thin Within!” All of these (and more!) have been attempts to create little kingdoms where I can feel good about myself. It seems as though if I can’t ascend to a throne of an established “kingdom,” I will build my own little empire and declare myself ruler.
It makes sense that if I feel that my crown is slipping, that I am falling off the throne…that I have physically changed …gotten bigger…even if “only” by ten pounds, that I would feel devastated. My self-concept has been SO connected to my physical appearance!
