by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 30, 2010 | Blog
Long ago, I tried to apply the principles of eating according to physical cues and to go to God for all the other times I was tempted to eat when I wasn’t physically hungry. For some reason, I just couldn’t pull it together. What sounded so simple on paper or on the computer screen seemed a huge impossibility for me. Of course, this made me feel like I was nuts. Why couldn’t I do this? It seemed so simple!
In those days, I didn’t realize it, but there were truly reasons I was in a place of “I can’t.”
I didn’t understand that. So I would beat myself up. I looked at the whole thing–all the weight I wanted to lose and how I constantly ate more than I needed–and just didn’t have a clue why it seemed so HARD. I felt so hopeless!
“I can’t DO this!”
I was right! I couldn’t.
But God wanted to take me PAST the “I can’t!”
God was at work in my life doing things, teaching me things, leading me into recovery over trauma…to forgiveness of myself, others, and, even, Him. I didn’t realize how much I had allowed things I had done in my past or that had been done to me to define me. There was such shame there. God had great plans to free me from all of that…In fact, at the cross the victory had been won. He wanted me to experience it.
I literally had emotional “triggers” that God wanted me to bring to him. His will was for me to stop being in that place of “I can’t.” He used this struggle to show me I needed to bring each of these things to him, to confess what I was struggling with and to ask him for HIS will in this thing. It meant sitting in the pain and emptiness. It meant waiting. NOT something that is fun to do. How much easier it is to stuff the emptiness with food. But he wanted me to wait wait wait…and invite Him into the thing that was causing me grief.
It is a bit more complicated than I have made it sound, but the fact remains, it was a time when “I can’t” was a fact of my life more often than not.
Much healing has taken place. God has taught me a great deal. He has brought me through a ton of stuff and I wouldn’t trade the painful poking, prodding, and flushing out of the wound, given all I have experienced, all He has given me. He continues to do this today of course with the many many “do overs” that he brings my way. But more and more I see what is going on and I welcome it…well, sort of. At least more than in the past.
In any event, something that struck me not that long ago is this: At this stage of my life, any struggle I have to respond to my body’s physical cues to eat or not eat…well, it no longer boils down to an “I can’t.” It is now, simply, an “I won’t!”
Yup, now I am in a different place. I must admit that it is really really humbling, but with all the healing God has brought to me, the experience of living according to these principles imperfectly, but nevertheless seeing changes inside and out, with the renewing of my mind that he has done…wow. I have been transformed! I see it so clearly most of the time! I think differently about food, about portions and, even, about my body and about who I am. Sure, there is still room for much growth. Definitely! But right now, I am in a radically different place than 5 or 10 years ago.
5 or 10 years ago, it really was an “I can’t.”
Now, when I am out of line in my eating, it is definitely more of a rebellious, “I won’t.”
So, what is it for you? Do you find yourself again and again saying, “I can’t do this! What is wrong with me!?” If so, then I urge you…first, don’t beat yourself up. You may really be in a place of “I can’t!”
But secondly, you can experience God’s grace and healing in a practical way. I suggest that you stop focusing on the food and your body and start welcoming what he plans to do INSIDE you. It seems the long way around, perhaps, but it is where the change HAS to begin.
For others of you (and I include myself in this), if you have experienced his healing emotionally and you know that saying “I can’t” now is really somewhat flaky, then join me. Let’s face into our rebellion head on and refuse now to claim “I can’t.” Let’s choose to give God credit for the work He has done and own that we are really digging in our heels to say “I won’t” instead. Sure, let’s keep allowing the inner healing work. But let’s also own that we can TOO say NO to food when we aren’t hungry! Like Dr. Rita says in her book, Jesus is the Lord of me and he says I am lord over my food. I can TOO say no!
For me, I have to be willing to use words like “obey” and “sin” to describe what I am doing (or not doing). That is all there is to it. It isn’t about if I feel like eating the way God calls. It is about obedience. It is about all the other things that happen in life that I want to deal with by eating and, instead of eating, asking God what HE wants for that moment, that experience, that pain.
Again, I am speaking to myself and to anyone who, like me, has seen a huge inner healing and transformation that God has done already. If you know you haven’t yet allowed God access to your unmet needs, expectations, disappointments, and deep wounds, then sure… “I can’t” may be more accurate. Please, then, know that it may be time for you to stop fixating on the scale, the food, clothes, etc., and time to be still and know that He is God. It is time to feel the pain and bring it to him. He will bring you to a place where you can in the strength He provides.
For those of us who WON’T, let’s quit with the “I won’ts.” One moment at a time. Ask for God to soften our hearts to make us willing and do our part to BE willing. Wow, there are blessings in obedience. It is awesome to walk in humility and praise God for the way He is at work in us to will and to do HIS good pleasure!
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 15, 2009 | Blog
These are the beds that greeted us upon arriving here in Ormand Beach, Florida. Greeted
Me,
the princess from The Princess and the Pea! Just kidding!
Actually, this photograph was taken at Castillo de San Marcos, the oldest fort in North America (which we visited yesterday). These are the beds that the soliders slept on. Ooh…I have NOTHING to complain about sleeping on the beds provided at our condo! LOL! Nevertheless, it is astonishing to me how much I feel thrown off by some things. The bed I am sleeping on here in Ormond Beach, Florida is certainly not the comfy one I enjoy at home, but this is the least of the ways in which the world is different for me here.
On this side of the country, the sun rises over the ocean. It is very confusing for this West Coast gal. And as we drove south on the coastal highway yesterday afternoon, the ocean was on my left, but the sun was lowering on the right. This just seemed…well, wrong!
Not only that, but, yesterday evening, when we went down to the beach to collect shells, the fog rolled in quickly. Rather than being frozen from an instant drop in temperature as I would be in northern California (fog = cold), I was amazed at how warm this fog was!
Pizza Hut restaurants still exist here (they are almost “extinct” in California) and the prices are relatively CHEAP! WOW!
This really does feel like another world to me here. Nothing is the same as it is at home.
Except for one thing…one thing is very familiar to me and even that one thing had been gone for so long even back at home.
On this vacation, as with any vacation, the cameras are out and always going. It has been a few years since I have felt the presence of the monkey that is on my back now. Even so, I don’t think I wouldn’t have recognized its presence had it not been for a comment made by one of my family members (who didn’t mean any harm, but whose comment struck me very deeply and profoundly). During a “photo op” I was strategically trying to negotiate where I would stand and one of my family members said, “We are back to hiding again?” regarding my intention. OUCH. That stung! But what bothered me most wasn’t the comment, but was, instead, the truth of it. You see, hiding means that shame has re-entered the picture and although that doesn’t surprise me entirely, I noticed almost a desperation…to hide at all costs. My reaction to the comment spoke volumes, too. That I felt like I had been caught with my “pants down” if you will.
I believe with all my heart that shame is not of God. Shame is a general feeling that I am unlovable, unworthy, not esteemed…it typically comes with despair, a desire to “hide” and this is just for starters. I believe that shame breeds more sin and can cause a horrible sin-shame-sin-shame cycle that is, in fact, at the root of addictions. The way to break this cycle is to step into the light very intentionally. It is to declare the truth and know that the truth sets one free. So often, however, we flee the light instead…and the Enemy of our souls laughs with glee!
Conviction, on the other hand, is specific and is from the Lord. There is a sense that I can take care of business by confessing the specific sin about which I am convicted and a confidence that God has provided a means for my forgiveness and esteems me as precious to him. There is hope. There is no need to hide.
My family member said something that God used to sound a wake up call. Although posting here at the blog honestly about my struggles was done in obedience to the Lord and an attempt to refuse to be bound by the darkness of shame, somehow I had allowed the mentality “I must hide”–a mentality I lived with for far too long–to be re-established.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.
Psalm 34:4-6
Now that I am aware of this, I will be pro-active. I will stand confident of my Lord, His love for me, His justification of me and the fact that He who knew no sin became sin for us so that in Him I might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21).
How about you? Are you allowing shame to define you? Are you willing to step out of the darkness of shame and allow the truth to set you free? Look up the following verses and prayerfully journal about each regarding the place shame should have in the lives of believers now:
Psalm 25:2-4, 20-21
Isaiah 45:17
Isaiah 54:4-8
Joel 2:25-27
Lord, help us not to remain in the place of shame and darkness where sin breeds yet more sin. Instead, help us to step into the light, confident of your forgiveness and your healing. Help us not to revert to old familiar behaviors, but, instead to live in the freedom you have purchased for us. You came to free us from sin and to give us life abundant. Help us to live our inheritance today. In the precious Name of Jesus, Amen.
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 13, 2009 | Blog
Ever onward into chapter 24 of Thin Within by Arthur and Judy Halliday!
I found this chapter encouraging and very practical. I don’t know about you, but I have found myself challenged in a new way to maintain my resolve to godly boundaries that will help me to accomplish the godly goals that God moved me to establish at the beginning of June.
During the past week, I have found myself being challenged emotionally and spiritually from sources that I had thought I never would. It is disheartening, disquieting and extremely challenging in a new way.
God wants me to cling to him, cling to him, cling to him. In humility, I do that. When I don’t cling to him, it is because I have allowed pride to rise up in me to say “I know best how to handle this!” or “I deserve to be comforted!” or some such malarkey! God is growing me to see how subtly pride can continue to filter into my responses to people and situations.
I am reminded by the authors that:
…the most effective forming and shaping of our character takes place during times of suffering. Thin Within, page 254
At least I am encouraged that my character must really be getting “shaped and formed” right now! LOL! sigh…
I love the reminder that it isn’t my job to release weight. Instead, it is my responsibility to be in relationship with God and to seek His guidance. (page 258).
As I make GOD my priority, drawing close to Him, praising, thanking, giving gratitude to Him, as I continue to pursue a heart of constant forgiveness (something I have an opportunity to do lately), then I am fulfilling that to which HE calls. HE will do the rest! The pressure is off!
If you are doing the study with us, I hope that you did the activity on pages 260-261. This is where the rubber hits the road! I have included as some of my action steps that I will incorporate an additional “check in with God” time mid-afternoon. My morning quiet times always nourish and focus me on the Lord, but by mid-day, I am off track, my thinking is skewed and I have my shorts in a bunch about something. :-/ So, maybe if I just mentally “start my day” about 2pm with a quiet time and a shower 🙂 I will have the mercies that are new every day begin again about the time I usually start falling to pieces.
Anyhow, I plan to give that a try. I know it has helped me in the past. If nothing else, I will take some time to refocus. To fix my eyes on Jesus…
How about you? What action steps are you going to take to really work toward change? What adjustments to your godly goals do you feel the Lord leading you to make? What babysteps can you take to get there within the next couple of weeks?
Let’s not give up! He is doing a work in our character. Let’s welcome that. Let’s take on our responsibility to connect with God, to obey Him, to repent when necessary and to fix our eyes on Him…to maintain our relationship with the Lover of our Souls. We can leave the rest to Him to take care of! 🙂
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 1, 2009 | Blog
Chapter 21 of Thin Within opens with some statements that I don’t want to blow by. In fact, I want to ask each of us, me included, “Have you…?”
The opening page of chapter 21 says we have:
- Purposed to fix our eyes on Jesus
- Cast off the sin that entangles
- shook off the fetters of unforgiveness
- emerged victorious
- allowed his river to wash over our parched hearts
- torn down any thoughts that have been raised up against the knowledge of God
- surrendered our heartache and pain
- trusted that in His sovereignty He will redeem what has happened in my past
But have we? I don’t want to blow by these things.
Certainly, if we have diligently applied ourselves to the teaching presented in the pages of this book, we have! But, perhaps you are doing a “drive by” with the material…sort of just “scoping things out.” If that is the case, I urge you to take the time you NEED to really DO this. Maybe that will mean going back over it again completely. I urge you to do what it takes to allow this material to come home right where you live!
Beg God to make you willing to be made willing and cling to the hem of his robe until he does this in you. He wants to! He is all for your healing and maturity. Christ came to give us abundant life–not to enable us to “just survive the day.” Let’s not settle for anything less than HIS best!
Because I am so convinced we shouldn’t rush this process, but by nature of an online study we sort of are anyhow, I am not going to hash through the rest of this chapter today. I want to give any of you time who need it, the time it takes to be still and know that God is God. To wait on Him. He says that if you wait on the Lord, you will renew your strength, you will run and not grow weary, walk and not faint. You will experience HIS strength rising.
If you need more time, you can always sit for a day a week a MONTH with the material and return to this blog to pick up where you left off with us…Even if you make a comment a year from now here at the blog, I will see it and rejoice…and, if I can, respond.
Remember that it is in our weakness that He is made strong. So be willing to BE weak that His power might flow in and through you.
Today, I could use your prayers. Judy and I are working on new material. Today is my deadline for chapter one and I must be more disciplined and focused. I got a lot done in a short time last night (praise HIS name!), but much is yet ahead. Thank you for any prayers prayed on my behalf.
by Heidi Bylsma | Jul 30, 2009 | Blog
It is so amazing how God is at work. His timing for this chapter couldn’t have been more perfect.
How can we know that we have forgiveness work to do even if we think “I am good. All is up to date”?
This was the state I was in this past weekend, feeling like I was finally progressing along with some sense of normalcy.
Yet if I were to look at my eating, I would have had to conclude, something still wasn’t right. I see now that I was numbing myself to something and ignoring that…I didn’t want to feel what was there and it was working pretty well. I am not talking about binges of any kind…just that “I will eat what I want (within reason, which sort of justifies the sense that it isn’t so bad…:-/) when I want”…well, when that behavior is going on in my life, I know enough about myself that it is a red flag flying high! PAY ATTENTION!
God had to use other means to get my attention and so I share out of this so maybe you may discover the same.
If you continue to turn to food even though your best intentions are to do otherwise, then you can be pretty sure that you are anesthetizing yourself to something. There is usually a reason. You are NOT a rotten, no good sinner who just doesn’t love God enough (like some of us have believed…oh! THIS IS A LIE FROM SATAN!!!).
If you have an EXTREME reaction to something someone says or does…something that, when you take a step back, sure doesn’t seem as bad as all of that, but there is a truckload of intensity behind how you feel…well, that is another good indicator that there is a root issue that God wants to take His scalpel to via an approach like that in the Thin Within book, chapter 20.
He used a couple of two by fours to point this out to me.
A very close friend said some things to me in an email on Monday and I had a HUGE reaction. I have learned that when I have an almost instinctive sense that I want to run, that I have to stop instead, wait on the Lord and look at what is going on. I need to pick apart what is really going on and ask Him “What is THIS about?” I have to look at if my extreme reaction is really about THIS situation or if it is about another, unresolved situation that this is just building on.
I began to do that.
I felt like my dear friend was trying to control me, like she was throwing mistakes I had made back into my face, like I am not “good enough” (a constant failure), and like she took things I have said as proclaiming judgments about her as a person…something I never intended, but when someone responds to me like that, I feel like I can’t say anything else. It makes it impossible for positive interaction to take place and conflict resolution, it seems. I feel like I am immobilized, so why bother trying? (It is another way I feel controlled and I get quite angry feeling that way. OUCH!)
Then I realized that I have felt this intensely with only a few other people ever in my life…but at the top of that list is my mother.
Interesting, given I saw my mom on Saturday for the first time in a long while and spent a lot of time afterwards on the phone with my older sister processing so many things about our mom and her character or treatment of us. All of the things I listed previously, I feel toward my mother. Honestly, as a result of feeling that way with my mom, I don’t even want to see her these days, justifying my distance in a number of “rational” and “unemotional” ways that keep me from seeing that, at the heart of it is a lack of forgiveness and my desire to “punish” her or something. I have called it, instead, a godly boundary…and certainly, there is a place where a godly boundary should exist, but the lines, for me, had been crossed into something else…
But when I look at it closely, it is clearly unresolved stuff…stuff that I need to forgive my mother for.
Last night it was obvious that, even though I am working through all of this as I go through the material in this chapter on forgiveness, that it is still fresh and triggers are still right there out in the open. My poor daughter asked me the same thing a couple of times yesterday and I just exploded! I felt controlled by her, like she feels that I am not good enough for her as a mom, I felt…well, as you can see, she triggered all of these similar feelings…and it wasn’t her fault!
I have triggers laying around everywhere and I hadn’t realized it. God has used all of this to show me that I have a GREAT deal of SERIOUS unresolved issues in my life–especially relative to my mom. Yesterday, I spent a great deal of time working through a lot of the things I feel about my mom and others in my life in these ways…and I know it will be ongoing work. In fact, I think I have to even look deeper and ask God to show me why I have this reaction to being controlled so much…is it a pride issue? Or is it something else? Perhaps he will show me something else that will enable me to break free from that. It is odd, the very thing that I chafe about–being controlled–is what happens when I react this way. I am being controlled by my hatred of being controlled! YIKES!
If you feel like you explode over the slightest things or are reduced to a pool of tears over the slightest infraction you may want to evaluate what your trigger is and why it is there. I believe that God has used these situations to show me clearly that I need to deal with these things with my Mom.
Another indicator that there is something to deal with is if you know you avoid certain things, topics, or people. That is usually a sure sign that you have a forgiveness issue that God wants you to process. In doing so, you will experience freedom!
Obviously, my friend and I and my daughter and I have had to talk…I over-reacted to the things they said and I needed to ask their forgiveness, certainly. Both of them have admitted their own struggle to grow in releasing control to God…they are people in process, as am I.
If you have a feeling you want to run for the hills when something minor happens…or even something major…that, too, can be an indicator that there is something beneath the surface that you have to take to God for His scrutiny, His cleansing…and to choose to forgive.
All of this can affect my eating. It can be really subtle. Just nibbling on things here and there throughout the day or a bit more than I need at a meal or eating when I am not at a 0…or drinking more diet soda on a day than usual (“I deserve this special treat” mentality is a dead giveaway…).
Forgiveness can really take care of this SO effectively. And the other thing that can make a HUGE difference is choosing to practice gratitude. Gratitude makes a huge difference as well.
When I truly have nothing left unresolved, when I have done all the forgiveness work that God has called me to, when I have been intentional about praising Him for his attributes and the way He interacts with me, when I have practiced gratitude, I can honestly say that I don’t find sin as appealing…or even things that I may not call blatant sin, but that I know are not best.
When all is dealt with, I can live authentically in this present moment, alive to God and what HE wants. It is painful, but so worth it.
