by Heidi Bylsma | Jul 13, 2009 | Blog
I am becoming more and more aware of just how deeply God intends to go with his healing.
With this awareness has come another awareness of just how far I am willing to go NOT to feel the pain that is in that place.
I have come to believe that I need to feel the pain in order to bring it to God. But doing so means that I trust that God won’t leave me in that place of feeling the pain without his rescue. I have begun to see just how much I don’t trust him. I know that much of this is connected to the very things he wants to heal in me. I have major fear of abandonment where people are concerned and, during this season of my life, people are abandoning me, further reinforcing this fear. (Granted, this abandonment by others isn’t about me at all…dear friends who have left our church, our pastor resigning and so on). But because of the way these things trigger past memories and experiences, they all FELL so real, so personal, so…intensely painful.
I believe this is why I am grasping as I haven’t in a few years for coping mechanisms…some way to feel normal. Just to avoid being in pain all day long.
The busy-ness and, today, obviously, choosing anger over forgiveness…it is all an attempt to outrun pain and depression.
Drinking soothing drinks like diet cherry pepsi (which I had given up, but have returned to) or having a bit more food than I need (happily, I am not eating a ton of food, but I am eating outside of godly parameters) are all ways of self-gratifying my flesh which feels like it will die if it has to stay in this place of such pain.
I don’t mean for this to be a “poor me, I am a victim” sort of journal entry. These things are everyday sorts of things for this season of my life. Being on the search team for a new pastor means that I will stick around for this season. So what is ahead is more of this same pain.
There are major transitions going on with others I care about, not just those who have left. People I love are feeling pain over all of this…and I have to pray that God will not let me take on *their* warfare as well as my own! We are to carry one another’s burdens, but each one is to shoulder his own load in the Lord. (Galatians 6:1-5)
So I must wait for the Lord. He is calling me to release the hold on all my coping mechanisms. I was tra-la-ing along and now this test seems beyond my ability to withstand. This is real trial by fire for me…my instincts are to run for all I am worth. If I have to stay, then I want not to feel…so that is where I think I have been, why the busy-ness, why the sadness, why the inconsistency, why the struggle to string several consecutive moments together of godly behavior.
Chapter 13 addresses some of this. The lies I believe are keeping me from God’s best. You see, I KNOW he will heal me, but I feel like I will die waiting for him to do it. His timing seems so long. I can’t fathom waiting for him right now. I know he wants me to feel it all. It seems beyond overwhelming. So I have structured my life not to have any time where I am without something I must do. If I have time where I don’t have a commitment, I tend to nap. The symptoms of depression are obvious.
The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him…He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives. Thin Within, page 131
Right now, the promise of “intimacy with God” seems too remote for what it will cost me. That is a lie, but it is one I believe for all I am worth, I guess. I just can’t stand being left in my feeling. (I am praying about getting a therapist to work with me through some of this, as I can’t stand being stuck this way…)
I can’t relate right now to reverting back to the law in the way it is described in chapter 13, but I know I have in the past.
We will face battles and challenges, but anything this valuable is worth the fight. Call on Him and He will answer. His Spirit will inspire you, enable you, and empower you to fight in the strength He provides. With an act of your will and a sincere heart, you can call out for help in any moment, in any temptation. He has promised to come to your aid. Thin Within, page 134
I have to admit. I am not there right now. Today, rather than “the joy of the Lord” being my strength, I feel like my resentment and anger is my strength. I am fit to be tied at my former pastor and at some others…I know I have to bring these things to the Lord and choose to forgive, but right now that sounds too painful to me. I can’t imagine.
For a long time, I have known that my eating is out of whack when I am harboring resentment, bitterness and not forgiving those that I know I need to. So I guess I am set up for failure in that regard today if I don’t deal with this…
Questions for you to ponder:
1. Is there anything that keeps you from stopping using any coping mechanisms right now to feel any pain in your own life? These pains can be present time pain or those from your past. Or a combination. Often, pain in our present triggers painful memories or reactions to similar situations. We can often tell this is the case by our over-reactions to certain things.
2. Are you willing to sit with the Lord and to feel what he calls you to feel instead of to use coping mechanisms to avoid feelings from which you may be running? My answer in this moment is NO. That isn’t a healthy place to be. I hope your answer isn’t NO.
I hope that none of you are dealing with issues like those that face me right now. My own resistance is my greatest enemy. To surrender sounds so horribly frightening. I will come around, I know. But right now…yikes…no.
by Heidi Bylsma | Jun 21, 2009 | Blog
- God’s grace is abundant.
- God’s forgiveness is forever freeing.
- God’s love is never-ending.
- God created me to glorify him–to make Him known–to reflect to the world how awesome and wonderful He is!
- Nothing is beyond His restorative touch. (Praise you, Lord!)
- The Lord will meet me.
- He will encourage me.
- God’s gentle guiding hands will strengthen me.
- He is with me.
- He will provide comfort, strength, and help.
- He will uphold me as I press on and as I work through the exercises in the book, too!
How many of these things that are asserted by the authors of Thin Within do I actually believe? If I don’t believe them is it because they are inconsistent with God’s Word? Or is it because of something else? Do my actions reflect that I believe them if I say I believe them?
What I believe about God and how he relates to me is truly foundational. If I don’t believe the truth about him, then I approach life and this study with faulty assumptions. These faulty assumptions will undergird my responses to everything–to trials that come my way, to people, to things I struggle with, to God–and these faulty assumptions will continue to affect whether I go to God and trust Him, or if I trust something tangible like food more.
In effect, I will be building on lies…a faulty foundation!
This is why I have been harping on creating your list of God’s attributes and how he relates to you…and challenging you to please take time not only to create this list, but to take 5 of these things on your list (or more) each day (or each time you are tempted to eat when not hungry!) and to praise God for them! If you continue to do this, you will be replacing faulty assumptions, lies, with the truth…and this will be that upon which you build! You can’t go wrong if you do this.
As circuitous a route as this may seem to get to where you want to be physically, I can promise you that God will use this to transform you! Inside and out! And that the change won’t be temporary…it will be permanent. It will also affect any and all strongholds you may have in your life! God will blessedly invade your life!
So here are some thoughts that go with the focus of this chapter…
- Have you been committing (or trying) to focus on other things until your body says it is physically hungry?
- What emotions, thoughts, feelings, have surfaced as you have? (Most people find themselves getting a bit irritated or even angry.)
- What have you done with these thoughts or feelings?
- How has God been meeting you?
When I eat when I am not hungry, there may be some faulty assumptions underlying my rebellious attitude or other feelings or actions. For instance:
ACTION: Eating when I am not hungry.
FEELING: I want it. I am anxious. I want to eat. There will be a “release” in it for me.
UNDERLYING ASSUMPTION: God can’t or won’t be sufficient. Taking my agitation (or whatever emotion it is) to Him in prayer is a waste. I am not even willing to try.
Let’s break this down a bit further…WHY am I not willing to try? Because I don’t believe he cares about this issue or will show up. He ultimately doesn’t care and I don’t trust him.
OUCH! The more I trace what is at the heart of my eating outside of 0 to 5 parameters, the more I notice…it sure seems like it can be traced, ultimately, to a root of distrust…to a foundation of lies about the Lord and His character and a lack of belief that what He says about Himself in His Word and about me in His Word is true.
Bible Study
Please look at this passage of scripture by clicking on this link. (It should open in a new window.)
Deuteronomy 1: 26-32 is an intriguing passage.
- In verses 26 and 27, what were the actions and attitudes of the Israelites?
- In verse 27, what was an underlying assumption that the Israelites had about how God felt about them?
- What did this underlying belief cause them to assume about God’s purposes for them in verse 27?
- In verses 29-31, Moses refutes the lies that the Israelites believe with the truth. List the things he included when he challenged the false beliefs and assumptions.
- What imagery does Moses use in verse 31? Describe what you imagine as you consider a father with his child…
- Do you believe God is tender like this with you? If not, it might explain your rebellion, just as the lies the Israelites believed explained theirs!
THIS is why I will continue to encourage, exhort and harp on the idea that we MUST keep a list of God’s attributes–of truth–and truth about how he relates to each of us! It will cause our rebellion, ultimately, to melt away…as we ask God to help us 
to believe these things…he WILL. As we begin to believe the truth about who God is, as we allow HIM to fill our vision, be our focus, our desires, frustrations, emotions will have less and less hold on our lives! Just as darkness cannot contain the light, lies can’t contain the truth. Truth sheds light abroad in us and the lies that have been undergirding our paradigms will fade like night fades at dawn.
Practically Speaking
When you are faced with a behavior that you know isn’t appropriate, take some time to journal the following (suggested in The Search for Significance by Robert S. McGee):
- Journal a description of the situation. Describe it as dispassionately as you can.
- Emotions: What emotions are you feeling in response to this situation.
- Ungodly Actions: What ungodly actions have you taken or are you tempted to take?
- False Beliefs: What do these ungodly actions indicate about what you believe? Do you believe that the hot fudge sundae will make you feel better? Do you believe that “reading the riot act” to your Mother-in-Law will solve the problem? Do you believe that God isn’t sufficient to bring about His resolution? Keep breaking down whatever your answer is, tracing it back to its very root, until you can see if it isn’t ultimately rooted in what you think about God and His character…or about what you think you “deserve” or something related to self.
- God’s Truth: Hunt the scriptures (or your list of attributes of God) for God’s truth to refute the false assumption or lie that you are believing in this situation.
- Godly Response: In light of the truth that you know, what godly actions would follow?
- Can you commit to these godly actions? Prayerfully ask God to help you to trade the lies for his truth, an ungodly response or action with the godly actions that follow embracing truth.
Let us know what happens.
This will really make a huge difference! I promise! 🙂
Tomorrow I will finish chapter 7. The assignment for this coming week will be chapters 7, 8, and 9. I would love to see you all “check in” and update us.
- How are things going with 0 to 5 eating and the keys to conscious eating?
- How are you doing with your list of God’s attributes? Do you believe the things on your list?
- What is God teaching you? 🙂
Until tomorrow, you are on my heart and in my prayers!
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 22, 2009 | Blog
How much will I allow my past to define me now? Will I believe that the Lord is greater than any of my past failures or the wrongs done to me? Will I believe what HE has said about me? This is very much related to my eating. Especially when it comes to emotional eating (and other strongholds).
This is how it has worked for me:
Someone says something that I interpret as rejection (or some other unpleasant thing). It triggers a memory, however distant (maybe even from 4th grade!). I may not even be aware that it has triggered that memory. Before I know it, I have taken whatever was done in the present moment and attributed to the present things that went with a past event. In fact, I may even allow a “domino” affect to take place…triggering an entire series of past memories that seem related. I may do this all without realizing it!
I may, in fact, respond as if I were that little girl in 4th grade trying to fit in and not quite making it. Even though I am an adult in the present moment, my experiences with similar emotions may be stunted…I haven’t ever responded as an adult to these kinds of emotions…or I have rarely because I have tended to use coping mechanisms (like eating) to make it through.
At this point, I may find myself feeling emotional pain…and projecting all kinds of things to the present experience that aren’t even there at all!
When I do this, I may want to be free from the pain that I feel. It may seem impossible that I have allowed something so “small” to make me so upset in the present moment, but the fact is, I have brought past unresolved issues into this moment. Frankly, I believe that until I allow the Lord to resolve these past issues (even those from 4th grade), I will continue to experience things in the present that trigger those past memories. The truth is, he will have his way and he wants me to be conformed to the image of Christ.
If I insist on numbing myself to my pain in the present moment by looking to food for the temporary false comfort it offers, I will perpetuate this cycle…that of continuing to have a series of unresolved painful memories…and something in the future is likely to trigger them all…resulting in eating to numb myself from the pain and on it goes. (Please note that it doesn’t have to be something super traumatic or abusive in order for this to happen. It can be just the ordinary things that happen as we grow up in a world where kids are cruel and people are sinful. It is life, but life can hurt!)
This cycle can be stopped. But first, I have to be willing to FEEL. I have to be willing to say NO to the temporary “joy” that eating may give me in these moments when I am feeling pain. I have to be willing to go to God and to invite him to help me to become what He intends through the pain.
I will not minimize how I feel, but acknowledge that something has triggered a deep feeling and invite God to show me what HE wants me to do with it. Journaling can be a big help here!
One way of doing this is to go back through the past experiences that are triggered. I can remember the moments when kids in the 6th grade said mean things, or the jibes in 7th grade, or the rejection of the 8th grade boyfriend, or the softball coach in 9th grade that added to my sense of abandonment when our team wasn’t “good enough” for him to show up at the games any more…or…well, the list goes on and on.
God wants me to look head on in to these, feel the pain of the 4th grade girl in a new school and allow HIM to comfort me. He says these things matter…they are affecting how I respond today and are causing me to turn to food so that I don’t have to feel.
I believe that forgiveness is the antidote to much of this tendency we have to bring our past into the preset moment and to hinder us from walking in freedom.
True forgiveness cannot exist without the acknowledgment of the extent of the damage. Forgiveness takes seriously the magnitude and profound effect of the hurtful event. It does not condone the behavior nor does it minimize the damage. Rather, forgiveness honestly confronts the extent of the harm and calls the offender to accountability. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 149
We take all of this to God. Each event, each incident, each emotion felt as a tender 10-year old, teenager or middle-aged woman…whatever we experienced, whenever we experienced it, we intentionally choose to remember, to feel, to reject depending on food to cope, to cling to God and ask Him to be whatever He wants to be for us in that, so that we can become what He intends through it.
As he does this work, we then intentionally choose to release those who wronged us–or who we perceived to have wronged us.
This isn’t easy, but there is freedom and growth. Our character develops and we become more like the Lord we serve as we allow him full sway to do that which he intends in and through our suffering.
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 12, 2009 | Blog
God has convicted me about how I relate to my past. Years ago (and along the way since) I went through a lot of my past experiences and faced abuses and mistreatment I experienced–as a kid, a teenager, an adult, from unbelievers and believers, from family members and those I barely knew, from classmates, close friends, and strangers. It hasn’t always been easy, but I have found joy and peace in being obedient to the Lord’s mandate to forgive, and have applied the blood of Christ, choosing to forgive “just as in Christ the Lord has forgiven” me.
I feel no obvious resentment, anger, or hostility for many of the things that I have “forgiven.” When I do sense resentment or anger surfacing, I typically have found such relief and freedom for *myself* in forgiving, that I work through it again rather earnestly, so as not to allow a bitter root to be established in my life with all the poison it can spread.
Nevertheless, in some ways, I seem to hold on to the past by pointing to it for a reference point for now. It is like if only I can show people what my past was like, how horribly I was treated in the past, and show in comparison just how completely God has transformed me, that is a good thing, isn’t it?
Well, yes and no!
Yes, it is a wonderful thing that God has taken my broken, battered, heart and life and transformed me from what I surely would have been apart from him, and given me a wonderful family–two great kids, a loving husband, a terrific home life…I am SO blessed! These are incredible things!
But, NO… I seem to almost relish the retelling of my past story a bit much so that I can take pride that I have not become what I would have been. In other words, I have formed my sense of my identity based, in part, on my past failures and my past life…which I have supposedly extended forgiveness for and been forgiven for… How much can I really be FREE of the past if I continue to retell the stories of the past, so I can point out “Look at how great I am in light of all I have been through?”
Obviously, I don’t go parading around stating it in such an obvious way (not usually!). People would see through that. It is more subtle than that but my flesh and the enemy of my soul delight in the way it trips me up.
If my identity or sense of who I am now is at all intertwined with who I was in the past, I am not entirely sure I am living in the present or can truly experience the freedom that the Lord wants me to experience in Him.
I may also NOT really be forgiving!
Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, necessarily, but, like Robert S. McGee says in The Search for Significance it does mean that I won’t relish the memory for any purpose. At least that is my take on it.
Even with my Thin Within journey, I wonder about this. If I retell my story again and again about being a “dieting failure” and even a “Thin Within failure,” am I really forgiving myself for my past rebellions and indiscretions? Sure, there is a point where my testimony is valuable for encouraging others…but where does my emphasis–my focus–lie? Is it on what I was and “look at me now!” Or is it on what Christ has done? Am I really seeking to glorify Christ? Or self?
If I retell the failure part of my testimony again and again, is it possible that I am allowing that to define my worth and value a bit too much now? And then, just how big of a leap is it for me to take one of my “mistakes” today and think, “See? I haven’t changed that much after all…I am still the same old failure, pretending not to be!”
Forgiveness is the desire to extend to another the freedom and release that we ourselves have been given at the cross. Get Thin Stay Thin p. 151
If I truly have forgiven myself for my choices in the past and have forgiven my mom, my dad, and others for wrongs done against me, I will want them to be free from that past, too. I will want them to be released. I will want to experience FULLY the freedom and release that Christ affords me…and want that for others as well.
I definitely won’t use the way I was treated or the way I behaved to make me feel better about myself now.
Hmm….
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 11, 2009 | Blog
The need to forgive runs very deep. It influences everything. It is pretty hard to live in the present moment if I harbor resentment for anything done an hour ago or a decade or three ago. Like so much baggage, it loads me down…
I am asking the Lord afresh…to please show me where a lack of forgiveness is hindering my walk with him. It is ironic…as I do this, there are fresh offenses occurring faster than my mind and heart can register…not to me personally, but indirectly affecting me profoundly.
I know that this is somehow intricately connected with my perception of myself, my value, my body, my eating. It is hard to be willing to “go there.” I believe that true forgiveness requires that I face full on into the offense and the wounds it causes…to allow myself to feel without the benefit of the “numbing agent” used previously…to ask the Lord to do the work he intends to do through the fires of this pain.
It is NOT fun.
