by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 10, 2009 | Blog
Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it,
and whoever loses his life will preserve it.
– Luke 17:33
When we relinquish control in order to gain our lives in God, he always gives life back to us more abundantly. Dependence–the soul turned toward God, trusting in God, allowing life to unfold according to God’s will–centers our lives upon God’s grace. GTST, p. 131
In the past 5 months, I have been progressively releasing control to the Lord in ways I never did before. Letting go of my addiction to caffeine has resulted in HUGE changes in my body. I don’t know if things were being masked by the caffeine or my body has reacted to not having caffeine pumped into it constantly…or both…but I am having to get to know myself as if I have never applied the principles taught in Thin Within before. It has been unnerving…unsettling…and, at times, so very disappointing.
But in the process, I have had to return to totally depending on Him. He guides me, he comforts me, he confronts me when necessary. He steadies me, he directs me. I didn’t recognize all the ways he was trying to do this before…Though I had set aside food as a numbing agent, the diet soda was the way I numbed myself to pain…and, again, you I couldn’t just numb myself to pain…I ended up numbing myself to everything. I didn’t feel anything quite so much (including pain AND joy…AND the voice of God!).
As my body as been showing me that, left without caffeine to falsify a “revved” metabolism, it needs even LESS food than I was consuming before, I definitely have needed to center my life on God’s grace–just as the quote above says.
I am so thankful that God has been teaching me that my value is NOT in earthly success! I would be flattened, devastated if it were! Instead, he has shown me “in the nick of time” that HE alone defines my worth. During this challenging time where I am feeling betrayed by my body, he has pointed out again and again that this is not about my body at all, but about my heart. (If you have read this blog much, I know that this must be sounding repetitive…but it is a truth I must GET and I pray others will, too! It is so vital!)
This truth that it is about something deeper than my body, instead of that coming across as a rebuke, is actually comforting. I am so THANKFUL that it isn’t about my body!
Also, this notion that my body has “betrayed” me…well, I realized in a fresh way yesterday that it is ME who has betrayed my body…by putting gallons and gallons of chemicals in it for years and years…aspartame and caffeine…I was giving it something that was NOT a good thing at all…in fact, I was leading it to addiction and worse.
I have made an appointment with my doctor. This is a huge step for me. “Dragon Lady” is what I call her. I have decided not to change doctors right now when I need to find out what is going on with me medically that could explain some of the symptoms I have. She knows my history, so that is important. “Dragon Lady” has always had something to say about my weight. She uses shame to try to exact change in her patients. NOT ok.
I go in the week of the 20th to have blood tests so that we can see if a thyroid problem may explain some things. I also hope to be checked for…diabetes. Can you believe it? Oh, my pride is taking a hit in so many ways. I simply have to deal with this.
For years, when people have said, “I eat 0 to 5, but I am not losing weight.” Or “I eat 0 to 5 but I keep *gaining* weight…” I have arrogantly assumed that they were not being honest with themselves. Even yesterday as I spoke with Judy Halliday, I couldn’t wrap my brain around…how can eating 0 to 5 not work, even if there is a medical issue? If my metabolism is thrown off and won’t burn fuel properly, then won’t I not feel hunger as often? She responded “Not necessarily.” HUH? What???? You mean, there MAY be times when a medical issue can get in the way of all I have learned and assumed was always true? That my body’s signals may NOT be reliable???? YIKES!
I guess it is obvious why I must throw myself upon God’s grace again and again. This sort of rocks my world!
I know that I need forgiveness for my arrogant self-righteous attitude toward those who have struggled in the past who may have had a medical issue! :-/
Then there is the side of me that hopes that if I do have a thyroid problem that throwing a pill down my throat will fix everything…EVERYTHING…and get me back into those levis. (I can’t believe I have made Levis into an idol!!!)
But it is about my heart...so even if my body gets back on kilter and is reliable and “trustworthy” again…and even THIN…what about inside of me? Will I have learned anything?
Grace, grace, God’s grace. Oh how I need it!
Throwing myself upon God’s grace…
It is only then that we experience the profound flow of God’s love. It is only then that we can empty ourselves enough to let our silent hunger be filled with all the fullness God desires to grow in us. GTST, p. 132
It is no small wonder that this has been an incredible growing time in my life–a time of changes internally, a time of unmeasured closeness with God. I sense his presence throughout the day and his love just as this quote says. Without the addictions in my life, I NEED and he is there saying “I AM.” He is the constantly flow now…instead of caffeine and aspartame. He is my sweetness and vibrant energy. Better than an artificially stimulated adrenal gland, God’s Spirit pulsates in me…it is a hard process…but filled with fewer extremes as he steadies me on this course. There IS a fullness that I hadn’t experienced before.
When we exchange our weakness for God’s strength, our powerlessness for his power, and pray, “Thy will, not my will, be done,” we find that the healing love of Christ moves in our midst. GTST, p. 132
by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 10, 2009 | Blog
Approval Addicts…
“…rarely expect to achieve anything or to feel good about themselves. Because they have failed in the past, they believe their present failures only show how worthless they really are. They often become extremely sad and stop trying because they fear more failure.” The Search For Significance Workbook, p. 26
I was so convinced that keeping the weight off was merely a “fluke” after all the years/times I lost weight only to regain it. The two months of indiscretion that resulted in this current weight gain merely confirmed the lie that I have embraced as truth–that I will always be fat and will always fail at keeping weight off. The shame and sense of failure has resulted in wanting to eat more–the fat machinery. (Journal, 2-05-09)
Practical things I now choose to do to combat some bad habits that have resurfaced and to also help me to be more conscious:
- Setting my timer for an afternoon quiet time…even if only a few minutes to be sure I am quiet before the Lord again.
- Renewed commitment to the Keys to Conscious Eating (called “The Principles for Weight Mastery” in the Get Thin Stay Thin book).
- Cutting my portions in half like I used to. Even if my portions seem small to me right now…if I am hungry again later, I can eat, but right now, I need to offer what I might normally eat as an offering to the Lord. I certainly won’t starve. Unlike others who have commented on the blog, I don’t mind eating smaller portions frequently if that is what it takes.
- Any time I eat, lingering a while with hunger to assess if it is truly physical hunger. Even if I put off eating for 5 minutes and sit still with the Lord about it…that can help me to see if this is really hunger or not.
- PUTTING THE SCALE out of the house. My clothes are a really good indicator to me right now if I wonder. I will be comfortable again in my Levis 🙂 if I release weight. But it isn’t like I don’t *know* if I am lying to myself about my eating. I know if I am eating according to hunger and satisfaction. I don’t need a scale to tell me and I don’t need even my clothes to tell me!
- Drinking only water. For years I drank diet soda…no calories and all that “great” taste. I can’t switch to sugared beverages and not expect it to have an effect. I am trying to develop my taste for water. This is hard for me! 🙂
These are the practical things that the Lord has led me to do.
But the things that are harder to measure…like “I will process what is really going on…” I will do that, too. This blog is part of that, my journal is, giving myself permission to make my quiet time include this stuff instead of just studying the scriptures (which I love to do)…These things are vital, too.
Under grace we have the freedom to err, knowing that we are always cleansed by the blood of Christ. This keeps us out of legalism and the distorted thinking that says, I must eat this; I can’t eat that; I did it right; I did it wrong; I was good; I was bad. Such thinking is part of the diet mentality that keeps us focused outward instead of inward, where the spiritual battle of disordered eating must be won. Get Thin Stay Thin p. 90
Some mistakenly think that TW teaches that we can sin all we want–that this is grace! This is NOT the case. The truth is that because of the amazing grace of the Lord, I want to respond in obedience. My salvation isn’t dependent on my obedience. It is unbiblical to think that it is. It is by grace I am saved, through faith and even *that* is a gift of God so that no one can boast!
But when I DO err, this very grace that brought salvation to me is available to me now as well…Like Joe Donaldson said recently on the TW forums, grace isn’t something that is a one time event for salvation. It is there moment-by-moment. God extends this grace freely to me–not that I might sin, but also that I might not wallow in self-condemnation! How self-indulgent it is to beat myself up! He calls me to lift my chin, lift my eyes, and move on! To allow His forgiveness, purchased on the cross of Christ with His broken body and spilled blood, to wash over me…
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 22, 2009 | Blog
Someone posted on the Thin Within forum a thought that struck me as a BFO – A Blinding Flash of the Obvious…yet I hadn’t really thought of it like this before. That is this: No matter how long I have been at a 0–totally hungry–no matter if it has been an hour since I first sensed I am hungry but I just couldn’t get away to have a meal–my stomach is still the same size. It hasn’t gotten bigger. Being at a 0 longer doesn’t mean I need more food to reach my comfortable “satisfied” point – or what Thin Within calls a 5.
Isn’t that profound? 🙂 Obvious, but profound!
Another thought I wanted to share today is this…I have just completed my last day of study in the Freedom From Emotional Eating workbook. Sometimes there is a study that I just feel needs to be shared from the rooftops. The last week of study in this workbook is definitely one I wish MANY people could experience. In today’s reading in the workbook, Barb Raveling says:
My obsession with skinny was actually a deterrent to getting over the problem of emotional eating. I felt like I had to be skinny. But is this true? Does God say I have to be skinny? Of course not! He loves me just as I am, no matter what my weight.
I wonder how many of us can relate to being obsessed with being thin. This is an idol every bit as much as food can be an idol in our lives. Funny how having food be an idol can actually cause the constant toppling of our idol of “Thinness.” And funny how our inability to be perfect for our idol of “Thinness” often causes us to run back to food to pacify our disappointment in ourselves.
Finally, I wanted to share today something God wants me to get…to know deep inside every fiber of my being…something that he wants to flood the emptiness inside of me…He asks me if I believe what He says:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,
who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ.
For he chose us in him before the creation of the world
to be holy and blameless in his sight.
In love he predestined us
to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ,
in accordance with his pleasure and will—
to the praise of his glorious grace,
which he has freely given us in the One he loves.
In him we have redemption through his blood,
the forgiveness of sins,
in accordance with the riches of God’s grace
that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.
And he made known to us the mystery of his will
according to his good pleasure,
which he purposed in Christ,
to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—
to bring all things in heaven
and on earth together under one head, even Christ.
In him we were also chosen,
having been predestined according
to the plan of him who works out everything
in conformity with the purpose of his will,
in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ,
might be for the praise of his glory.
And you also were included in Christ when you heard the word of truth,
the gospel of your salvation.
Having believed, you were marked in him with a seal,
the promised Holy Spirit,
who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance
until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—
to the praise of his glory.
(Ephesians 1:3-14)
Oh, glorious truths!
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 26, 2008 | Blog
The thing about blabbing to the world via a blog or Facebook or the Thin Within forums, is that the “world” may be watching to see what happens next. I have this very real sense…arrogant and erroneous as it may be…that the peanut gallery awaits, wondering how I did with my self-required fasting of sweets through Christmas Eve and…well…now what?
So here is my “report.” (Sound of the “tooting of own horn” may be heard in the background…)
Through Christmas Eve, I did “well.” Not perfectly, but almost completely without sweets. I did feel like I lived up to my promise to the Lord pretty well. (More tooting of own horn…)
…SPLAT!!!!!!….
Pride comes before a fall. So the sound you just heard (following the “tooting of own horn”) is that of a face plant…yes, my own…firmly…
Had you seen me yesterday, you would have thought that I was a raving lunatic…anything and everything that had any sugar content in it at all was eagerly “inhaled” outside of appropriate boundaries. I was a crazed person. I didn’t see this coming. I didn’t feel insane…but my actions betray my mental capacity at the time…Scratch that. I can’t blame it on being “insane” or a deficient mental capacity. I knew exactly what I was doing. And I had an “in your face” prideful attitude about it toward God and anyone who would dare to cast a “knowing” look my way at all!
No, I don’t feel like it was a “deprivation” reaction at all. I felt no deprivation through the 10 days (or so) that I fasted sweets. I felt peace and joy.
I think it was, simply, PRIDE.
Today’s lesson in The Lord’s Table workbook is called “Key to Victory–Ongoing Humility.”
This is one of the things that I have found to be VERY true, in fact, on this journey to release weight, to release attitudes that don’t honor the Lord, and to continue to grow in Him in a way that enables me to honor him with my eating, drinking…and, well, LIFE! If I don’t obtain and maintain and attitude of humility, all is lost for that moment, that hour, that day…
That is what happened to me yesterday.
I share this by way of confession.
Pride causes my guard to be down. I end up “trusting myself” that I can “handle it.” Combine that with an attitude of “God you are so blessed that I would honor you with my life! I have just really impressed you, haven’t I!”
Then, I minimize eating anything at all outside of 0 and 5…and in my case, God has shown me clearly that this is an attitude of pride. (Well, duh…one doesn’t need to be brilliant to see that!)
Once pride is allowed to grow unhindered in any moment at all, it goes nuts like the blackberry brambles I wrote about last summer…it takes over. Like it did for me yesterday until I was literally inhaling all the sugar that was in the house…and that at my relatives’, too. Homemade chocolate truffles, apple pie, peanut butter cup ice cream, lemon bars, homemade cinnamon rolls, Sees candy…and on and on it seems to go. Can you believe it?
So this lesson this morning in TLT workbook, really came home to me. I know this is truth. I have experienced it over the last 2 years and I saw it up close and personal yesterday.
Now we understand what we did wrong, and we get back on our knees (the Christian’s fighting position), humble ourselves before the Lord and ask Him once again for forgiveness and grace. We see how bankrupt we are in ourselves, how needy we are of the Lord, and how dependent we are on Him to win this battle…
Right here, in this position, is where we will win this battle. Right here, in the presence of Almighty God, with our hearts bowed in submission to Him, with the stark realization that we can do nothing apart from Him, is where the flesh loses all its power and where we gain true spiritual strength to mortify the members of our body which are on the earth (Romans 8:13). This attitude of “Help me God lest I perish” and “Give me Jesus or I’ll spin out of control” is the attitude that will win this battle for a lifetime.
(TLT, p. 146-147)
The lesson goes on to describe how one can foster an attitude of humility. This is a great lesson–one of the best in the workbook.
What are ways I will proceed to foster an attitude of humility?
1.) Be sure to begin the day with focused time with the Lord, recommitting myself to His Lordship, taking in His Word, inviting the conviction of the Spirit, time of prayer.
2.) Practicing gratitude through my gratitude blog – It is impossible for pride to continue when I praise God for what He has done and is doing in my life.
3.) For a while, I will choose to add an additional focused time with the Lord in my life…even if it is just 10 minutes…in the mid-afternoon. I begin the day with a posture of humility and then by mid-day I operate as a practical atheist 🙁 acting independently of the Lord and His will.
4.) I will continue to use the 60-60 experiment from Soul Revolution to reconnect with God each hour. I will choose to stop whatever I am doing and intentionally recommit to the Lord’s authority in my life, stating affirmations such as, “Lord, I acknowledge you are the potter and I am the clay. I choose YOUR will in this moment.”
5.) I may need to build a weekly fasting day into my life…or every so often anyhow. I know that a single day fasting of food altogether is something God has used powerfully in my life in the past…not for the purpose of weight loss…or maintenance, but for prayer, to help me be dependent on him. When I am hungry, I sense better than ever that I am at his mercy and have such great need of him. The spiritual fruit from a day spent that way seems to go on.
Lord, I confess that my pride got me into trouble yesterday. I thank you for your forgiveness. In my arrogance, I strutted around, patting myself on the back for having “fasted sweets” for a period of time…Lord, I know that even wanting to do that was your doing in my life. Your strength and power enabled me to do so…it had nothing to do with anything in myself. Yet I allowed myself to consider defective, faulty thoughts of self-glorification. It got me into trouble and my heart was revealed for what it was. I am so thankful for grace, Lord. I resolve to live differently today. I affirm that you are the potter, I am the clay. Have your way with me, Lord. Not my will, but thine be done.
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 9, 2008 | Blog
1 John 2:12-14 is the focus of this lesson. It points out that there are different levels of maturity or growth in our Christian lives.
Some of us are children in our faith. We may be children for a long season. And children are characterized by stumbling and falling a lot…but they keep getting up if they are in Christ, they prevail themselves upon the grace and forgiveness of God.
Many of us seem to live a long time in this place relative to our disordered eating. I know I did–and still sometimes revert to this place as well. But God’s grace is present and applicable. I can be forgiven each time I stumble.
However, His grace also is a provision to move me forward…to grow me up.
Last night, my kids and I watched the movie, The Water Horse. I was reminded of a couple of scenes of this movie during the lesson today. The story was about a baby Loch Ness “monster” that grew exponentially from being the size of a puppy to a huge brontosaurus-type (and size) creature in short order.
The Lord’s grace can grow us spiritually every bit as much as the food this creature ingested grew him. More so, in fact. This is GOD! 🙂 I need to feast on HIM and HIS Word as The Lord’s Table workbook has been saying. When I do, I will grow up in my faith.
1 Corinthians 13:11 makes reference that it may be time to put childish things behind. When I have a temper tantrum about wanting food even when I am not hungry, I get so childish and act like a baby! Can you relate? “But I WANT that!” I whine! Goodness. Maybe it is time to put this childish attitude behind and press on to know Him more. To allow Him to give me the grace to have victories more consistently…to grow up in the faith.
In the past 5 months, I have been progressively releasing control to the Lord in ways I never did before. Letting go of my addiction to caffeine has resulted in HUGE changes in my body. I don’t know if things were being masked by the caffeine or my body has reacted to not having caffeine pumped into it constantly…or both…but I am having to get to know myself as if I have never applied the principles taught in Thin Within before. It has been unnerving…unsettling…and, at times, so very disappointing.
It is no small wonder that this has been an incredible growing time in my life–a time of changes internally, a time of unmeasured closeness with God. I sense his presence throughout the day and his love just as this quote says. Without the addictions in my life, I NEED and he is there saying “I AM.” He is the constantly flow now…instead of caffeine and aspartame. He is my sweetness and vibrant energy. Better than an artificially stimulated adrenal gland, God’s Spirit pulsates in me…it is a hard process…but filled with fewer extremes as he steadies me on this course. There IS a fullness that I hadn’t experienced before.
