by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 25, 2012 | Blog
There are times when I like to carefully draft, edit, compose thoughtful messages here at the blog. (Ok, so that is a rarity…I don’t do it often.)
Then there are times when I just sort of let it all hang out. Today is one of those kinds of posts, because truthfully, those of you who visit this blog probably don’t need the “super-sanctified” version of life. You are living REAL life and you see through the facade when it is put out there.
So, today’s post is taken from an email that I sent a small group of ladies who I am traveling with through the Thin Again book by the Hallidays. I hope it challenges you (in a good way).
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God has been working on a theme in my life recently. Here are some thoughts that have come of it:
How much inspiration do I really need?
How many verses that convict and encourage?
How many great books and devotionals about making great choices?
How many study groups (and goes through the Thin Within book and workbook)?
How many accountability partners?
I have all of the tools, all of the knowledge, all of the conviction and more. I have everything I need for life and godliness, according to God’s Word! I have His Holy Spirit…so what on earth is holding me back?
I am nuts if I think I can be free without SAYING NO TO MY FLESH. The reality is, I have to DO what I know and I may not WANT TO, but then if I don’t want to do it, then I must want to live in bondage more than I want to live in freedom. Living in freedom will take some HARD choices, but God has given me so much to “inspire” me to walk that path.
What really am I waiting for? For it to get easy? It won’t. Or if it does for a while, it might be hard again. I have to say NO to myself just like I do when I want to buy something and can’t afford it, or want to zip around a slow driver, but the double yellow line tells me I can’t, so I don’t (even if no one is looking). I don’t take things I want from the store. I don’t slap my children’s mouths when they are impertinent. I say no to my flesh all the time, so it is high time I do the same with food.
I can keep patting myself on the back (“There, there…don’t worry….”) with an eye to all the things I have to process that have set me up to have this battle with food, such as:
- the fact that my mom abused me regarding food/eating as a kid…
- the molestations (my dad)
- shoving down all the things that were true about our family so I didn’t have a voice as a child
- my mom’s suicide attempts (too many to count before I was 16)
- my parents’ knock-down-drag-out fights, even though they were “professional” and church people (we had to keep up the appearance) – and the Sheriffs coming to our house because of it!
- the emotional and physical abuses of my childhood (in addition to those mentioned above!)
- the other things I struggle with and feel “victimized” by more recently in life…
…but the reality is…this is the life God has sovereignly ordained for me to live…NOTHING has come to me that isn’t according to His plan. He intends for me to be VICTORIOUS through all of these things. If I put off obedience and making good choices until I have “processed my junk,” I am, simply, SINNING. I am called to obedience NOW. He calls me to this with gentleness and love—not one shred of condemnation. He KNOWs how hard it is, but he gives me Jesus as the example.
What choice will I make today—EVEN WHEN I DON’T WANT TO? What choice will I commit to offering to Him as a sacrifice? What today will be an expression of my love for him and of dying to self?
What about you? 🙂 (You knew that had to come, right? Really…I would love to hear from you.)
by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 9, 2012 | Blog
If you have visited this blog for any time at all, you know that I celebrated a loss of 100 pounds using only the Thin Within principles…eating when hungry, stopping when no longer hungry, eating any food I wanted to, and not being involved in any exercise routine of any kind. Because of all the reasons I tended to want to eat aside from hunger, I learned to depend on God a whole lot to be my “portion” when heart hunger and head hunger called. These can’t be satisfied with physical food. During the time I released the weight, my walk with God deepened as I leaned on him for strength. So, from Nov. 2006 to Fall of 2007, I released 100 pounds of physical weight and emotionally and spiritually, I felt set free as well.
But what has happened since then?
Four and a half years later, I remain a healthy size. That is the good news.
But, I haven’t kept all 100 pounds off. I think there was something magical about “100” pounds for me…the number became almost more important than anything else. I don’t think that was where I was supposed to land for the rest of my life. So being that thin isn’t God’s “ideal size” for me.
In fact, last year at this time, I saw just how easy it was for me to be obsessed with weight, size and exercise again! I revisited an obsession I hadn’t known in over 15 years! I exercised 2 hours a day in addition to the tennis I was playing. That clearly was out of line.
Truthfully, since 2007, my size has fluctuated. I have remained a healthy size during all that time, but there IS in fact, a lot of work yet that God is doing regarding how I view food and my body. I am definitely still a work in progress.
In my rather lengthy dieting history before 1999 (when I stopped dieting), I never stayed a healthy size for more than a year once the weight was lost, let alone almost five! So I continue to celebrate the fact that I am still a healthy size! WHOO HOO! It is, after all, so easy to beat myself up (even now!) for ways I fall short.
I thought I would share with you some of the struggles I do have…
- “Nutritionally dense” foods are not my preferred fare. I am stuck in Phase 1 of Thin Within most of the time…the “Freedom Phase.” Since much of my childhood abuse was focused on food, I do try to extend some measure of grace to myself about not eating raw carrots or green salad. Truthfully, I only like vegetables in salsa and well-cooked stew or soup! I hope to “grow up” relative to my eating preferences.
- This continues to be a journey of my heart–much more so than of the body. It doesn’t take much for me to rush back to the comfort that I have found in food over the course of my life–maybe not with the abandon and zeal of my former years, but the thinking is still there…or there again.
- I got rid of my bathroom scale at least four years ago at the encouragement of my accountability partner at the time. It was a great choice then, but right now I am drawn to the added accountability of numbers! This BUGs me–the truth is, I know if I am eating according to the boundaries God has given me without a bathroom scale! If I eat according to those boundaries, I need not fear weight gain. If I don’t eat according to those parameters, I know I will likely “find” weight that was “lost.” Numbers are so motivating because they are so instant. But I want a heart that is transformed…both in terms of how I think of food and what is most important to me–heart change or body change? I could use the numbers of the scale to be motivated more to stay focused on 0 to 5 eating, but the expense to my heart might be rather high…I might become obsessed with weight–numbers–again. I don’t want to go there! Goodness! I am over-thinking this, I am sure. I just want to be normal!
- Fear has a grip on me again (still?). (I am sure that is obvious! LOL!) I live in fear that I will weigh 250 pounds again. I want to value having a heart change more than a body change…but honestly, I don’t live with such noble motivations much of the time. :-/ I know God wants to renew my thinking in this. I am even more fearful because of my role in the Thin Within company and with a possible book project (being pitched this month)–if I am going to be connected with “Thin” anything, I better be sure not to blow it and not be a healthy size! How is that for godly, deep, thinking?
Here is a photo that hubby took on Saturday…his newest hobby is photography and the silly man likes to take pictures of things in motion the most, it seems. I tend to be his primary “subject.” It definitely keeps me “honest.” So one more thing I guess I struggle with…when I see this photo, I see “fluffy.” I don’t like that. I want to see hardened, athletic muscles! I know this is something that God wants to change in my thinking, too. Somewhere between “fat acceptance” and “obsession with thin” is a place where I honor God with my eating, worship with joyful movement of my body, delight in who HE is, and who He is making me to be!
Well, there you have it. The truth tossed out on the table. So, though I have kept off most of the weight, though I am a healthy size, my mind is definitely stuck in a place that I don’t think is healthy for me! I need to “lose” the old mindset!
But I am optimistic that God is doing a new thing even now! I refuse to live in condemnation because I don’t “do this” perfectly. He is sanctifying me, one babystep at a time!
How about you? Can you relate to any of the struggles I have listed? What new thing is God possibly doing in you right now?
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 17, 2012 | Blog
My accountability partner has been teaching me the value of renewing my mind about food and eating. This is helping me tremendously to get back on track. I haven’t been at peace with food and my body for a couple of years (if I *ever* was, really!).
I had a season of exercising a lot and I “justified” eating outside of my boundaries, just like I would back in the dieting days! “I have worked out long and hard! I can ‘afford’ to eat this!”
Recently, I wondered about returning to 1-2 hours of intense cardio each day (in addition to the tennis I play almost daily). I also wondered about getting a bathroom scale again… “Just to motivate me!” I have to be honest with you…these are thoughts–temptations for me, really–that would short-cut what I need to learn. I need to learn to think differently. When I think differently, I will act differently.
My mind has to be renewed. How I view food, it’s purpose and place in my life, how I view boundaries…whether I will have them and which ones, etc…etc… All of this has to be determined, committed to.
This evening I am meeting my sister who is coming from out of town. Our meetings are typically somewhat intense as we have to make decisions and have conversations about our mother’s care. Add to this fact, this morning, my husband left town, beginning a long season of travel, which changes the dynamic in our home considerably given my 19-year-old son and I struggle in our communication. Bob typically runs interference for me with Daniel. So I find myself a bit keyed up (something else I need to renew my mind about!).
Soon, my daughter and I will leave to meet my sister for dinner at a buffet–“Fresh Choice.” I want to be proactive right now and plan to be very specific about what I will eat and how I will look at food given the abundance provided there coupled with the emotions I feel.
With the help of my accountability partner, I have learned how to ask myself questions and how to answer them, evaluating what I REALLY want. Affirming the TRUTH has made a huge difference for me. I am committed to doing this at least once each day regardless of if I have struggled with my eating or not. Practically, this is training me to think differently. But it *is* a slow process.
Right now, I am going to do this with the buffet and how I feel today. I thought I would give you a glimpse into this process, in case you might find it helpful. So here it is, happening in “real time!”
Lord, I am dreading what is ahead today. I am definitely dreading taking my Mom to the doctor tomorrow. In fact, I have dreaded these two days for a while. I feel so helpless. I know, Lord, that the buffet dinner tonight will offer a whole lot of options for “numbing” myself to the feelings I don’t want to feel. I reject that, Lord. Instead of viewing the buffet as an opportunity to do what I want, I choose to take captive my thoughts about food and eating. My body was purchased by the precious blood of Jesus and it isn’t mine to do with as I please. My body belongs to the Lord. I want to feed it only when it needs fuel and I want to feed it an appropriate amount that it needs.
Lord, I want to apply myself to following the 8 Keys to Conscious Eating, even in the middle of a restaurant with my sister and daughter present. Lord. I know I may FEEL like I *want* to eat more, but what do I really want? Lord, I want to eat in a way that is in line with 1 Corinthians 10:31…to glorify you in my eating! I choose to rejoice in eating appropriately, within God-given boundaries. I choose NOT to look to food to meet needs in my heart that can only be met through fellowship with the Lover of my Soul. Is the sacrifice really too great? Is it really too high a price to pay to lay down a second brownie or another piece of french bread? Isn’t experiencing joy in my eating experience with NO regret afterward worth NOT overeating? I get to eat whatever I want within the physical boundaries of hunger and satisfaction! No diets ever again! That is a gift! Lord, I don’t want to abuse that gift by stuffing more food in than I need.
Lord, I don’t need very much food at this buffet. I know that even arriving really hungry (which I will definitely be as I am hungry now!), it won’t take much more than a fistful-sized amount of food to satisfy me. I need to slow down and really take note of the wonderful tastes and textures and delight in how efficient my body is! Lord, thank you that I don’t need much food!
Lord, another thought that is a lie that pops in at buffets is that in order to get my money’s worth, I need to eat a lot of food. That is so silly! I am not paying for this meal so that I can harden my heart, stuff my face, and boast that I have a good cost-to-quantity ratio! That is ridiculous! I want to pay the full buffet price for a wonderful bowl of the chicken pozole I love (with cheese), a piece of french bread (slathered in butter) and a brownie muffin. That will probably be enough to satisfy me and it is well worth the cost since I enjoy the flavors so much and don’t have a soup recipe that I love nearly as much.
Lord, I do have the emotions to contend with, but if I stuff food to numb my feelings, I will not only have to face the emotions again afterwards, but also disappointment in myself and feeling yucky physically for overeating. Lord, the benefit to eating more than I need is slight…it isn’t even a benefit. It is that I get to taste the food longer. Well, duh! If I eat half as much food twice as slow, I get to taste the food just as long without overeating! It makes no sense to overeat. Lord, I trust this to you.
Thank you that THESE are the truths. The lies have NO place in my mind. I choose to take captive my thoughts and make them obedient to you. I LOVE how I feel inside when I make THIS sacrifice. When I lay down my wants for the greater joy of following you. Thank you. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 13, 2012 | Blog
I have an accountability partner who is amazing. God is so gracious in giving her to me. I don’t know if she would want to be mentioned by name, so I won’t just yet. But I hope to introduce you to her one day.
Under her guidance and discipleship, really, I am learning to speak short (well, relatively! LOL!), direct statements, declaring TRUTH about my eating and living.
Today, I had an “eating occasion” that had nothing to do with 0 to 5 eating (eating between the parameters of physical hunger and satisfaction). I decided to renew my mind (in the way my partner recommends) this afternoon and these truths are the ones I want to wrap my mind around. Can you identify with any of them following an “eating occasion” that you regret?
TRUTH: This way of behaving is NOT in line with godly goals of being Christlike.
TRUTH: Eating what I want when I want doesn’t get me what I really want—which is to be more like Jesus!
TRUTH: I am CALLED to make sacrifices in love for the Lord, but also for the people to whom He has called me to minister.
TRUTH: Obeying the Lord actually delights my heart. The “deprivation” I feel at the moment is followed by a bunch of moments of a full heart, rejoicing that I gave that tempting moment to Christ.
TRUTH: I am forgiven in Christ.
TRUTH: I am a new creature in Christ.
TRUTH: I DO care.
TRUTH: I don’t have a right to this body of mine at all…it belongs to Christ. He purchased it…with his blood.
TRUTH: I need to practice what I preach.
TRUTH: There is NO condemnation toward me.
TRUTH: I must be gentle with myself remembering babysteps get me there.
TRUTH: I don’t like how I feel when I overeat and the long-term ramifications are a bummer, too.
TRUTH: Jesus is after my heart.
TRUTH: He is using my struggle with food to make me utterly dependent on Him.
TRUTH: I want to cooperate with His plan for my life.
TRUTH: I want to be faithful.
TRUTH: Waiting until I am hungry to eat is a GODLY BOUNDARY that I value.
TRUTH: Eating in a calm environment, reducing distractions—internally and externally—before I allow a bite to pass my lips and as I eat—will help me. It is a boundary worth keeping.
TRUTH: Praising God before I eat actually fills my soul and defeats “desire eating” (outside of hunger).
TRUTH: Eating while sitting helps me be more peaceful. It is a boundary I value. I believe God wants me to keep this boundary, too.
TRUTH: I am not “overspiritualizing” this since I know that 1 Corinthians 10:31 says that whether I eat or drink I can do it ALL to the glory of God. (Implying that I can also eat or drink in a way that doesn’t glorify him!)
TRUTH: I want to eat only once my mind and body are relaxed, even if it means being hungry a bit longer…to be sure I am aware and calmly enjoying my food.
TRUTH: I will eat and drink things I enjoy…(that isn’t really a problem for me). I want to learn to weigh carefully what I choose and be a bit more selective. Lord, please heal me of my tendency to be a sweet-a-holic.
TRUTH: Paying attention to my food instead of also reading or watching something or surfing with my iPad when I am eating is valuable for helping me “record” the experience as an eating experience.
TRUTH: Eating slowly, savoring each bite can help me grow in gratitude toward the Lord for the amazing flavors and textures that he has invented as well as help me to eat less. I will also eat less too.
TRUTH: Stopping before I am full is a happy place to stop. I end up eating with joy and stopping with joy and continuing on with my day/evening with joy. It is worth it.
TRUTH: Adhering to these truths/boundaries is something I want to do and is extremely rewarding. What I suffer when I violate my boundaries is NOT worth the short-term “joy” I have when I violate them. The short-term sacrifices that I make to adhere to my boundaries are sooooo worth the pay-off!
So…which of these can YOU identify with? 🙂
by Heidi Bylsma | May 23, 2011 | Blog
Sabotaged. Again.
Derailed. Again…
- Surrounded by family members who don’t seem to “get” 0 to 5 eating–
- Friends and co-workers who insist as you reach for a cookie that “You will never lose weight if you keep eating junk like that!”–
- People who don’t give any credence to the “notion” that eating even a cookie when hungry is not going to cause weight gain!
Does it seem like “failure” lurks around every corner?
Even church friends may wonder why you want to connect eating with your faith and walk with God! Some may think that “working on the heart” is an excuse for not really working on weight loss. And others may think that “organic only” is next to godliness!
Once we have decided to surrender our eating to the Lord, once we have agreed that it is our own heart and the desire for more food than we need that needs “fixing” rather than the nutrition content of the foods we eat, we may discover that those nearest and dearest to us just don’t buy it. And they may not hesitate to verbalize this again and again!
If we look for support and encouragement from others, we may find that pressing forward seems so difficult.
Lately, I have noticed a tendency I have…that of lamenting something like this:
“I could follow you, Lord, without hindrance if only…..”
Or
“I could succeed in eating between 0 and 5 if only ….”
Or
“If I only had a support group, I could succeed.”
The honest desires of my heart to receive support and encouragement in the pursuit of giving my eating and drinking to the Lord is not a bad thing. But at some level, I wonder if I am blaming God’s provision (or lack of provision!) for my lack of consistency! With my eyes on those around me, I wish that SOMEone, SOMEwhere, would join me in pursuing faithfulness in this area of life! Don’t I *need* support? Wasn’t I made for community? It makes sense that I am hindered going forward until I have a buddy or accountability partner or at least a husband who supports me…er…uh…right? 🙂
(NOTE: In all fairness to my husband, I must say that I am blessed with a supportive husband or family, but I know that many you who visit this blog aren’t so fortunate — I want to offer these thoughts out there for consideration.)
In the garden of Eden after Adam and Eve ate of the forbidden fruit, Adam blamed Eve and God for his choice: “…the woman YOU gave me made me do it!” Eve blamed the serpent (which is a sideways approach to blaming God, too, since God created the serpent). The temptation in the garden, similar to the temptation I face today, was to turn the light of conviction away from self and find a scapegoat…something or someone else to put the responsibility on. Or, at the very least, to share the responsibility with!
But here is a thought I have to consider when I think these “If only…” sorts of thoughts. God has called me to
this…whatever
this may mean. This marriage, this job, this time and place. Right now, this is where He, in His perfect sovereignty, has called me and placed me. And he has placed these convictions about my eating IN ME–not in anyone else (necessarily).
2 Peter 1:3 says I have been given everything I need for life and godliness--so the responsibility remains with me to use what I have been given to choose to honor the Lord. Yes, it would seem so helpful to have an accountability partner, a husband who also eats 0 to 5, kids would didn’t eat all the time and never gain weight :-), a Thin Within group at my church…but the truth of the matter is, God has called ME to this. He has called me to set my eyes on Him no matter what else is going on.
But as for me, it is good to be near God.
I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
I will tell of all your deeds.
~ Psalm 73:8
But as for me, I watch in hope for the LORD,
I wait for God my Savior;
my God will hear me.
~ Micah 7:7
There is much about my walk with Christ that encourages me to be in relationship with others, but when it all boils down, God calls me to an “As for me…” walk with him. He calls me not to be distracted by what others do or don’t do, say or don’t say, whether they show support, encouragement, approval, or agree with me or not. His calling to me is specific, personal, unique. Will I be faithful to His calling?
As for me, I will do this thing regardless of what everyone else chooses. I will press on to walk with my God in obedience out of a heart of devotion and love. He is my refuge no matter what. I hope in the Lord and wait on Him.
How about you? Will you choose to be faithful in your “As For Me” walk with God? How might choosing to do so affect you today?
