But I don’t like it…Holy Struggle – Part 5

by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 4, 2009 | Blog

I don’t want to feel silent hunger.

I don’t want to feel a sense of failure.

I don’t want to keep trying things and not get it PERFECT! (Duh…I don’t seem to have gotten past this!)

The more I interact with people, the easier it is to feel things I don’t want to feel, too. It isn’t so much that people do anything wrong…not at all…but there are triggers I have…that I thought were gone…or going…and people seem to flip those triggers due to no fault of their own. I much prefer to just sorta float along and not see just how far I am from really *applying* the truths God has been teaching me.

If I don’t interact with people, then it is easy to soothe myself with this reassurance that I am growing and changing.

This morning, when I got up to meet with God, all I wanted to do was cry. A question from my accountability partner in email yesterday flashed through my mind…What is this about? I directed the question to God. He very gently reminded me that THIS is what He wants from me. For me to sit before him and FEEL. Rather than stuffing down my feelings with busy-ness or food or whatever else…he wants me to go ahead and cry, but cry to HIM. I still struggle with this. No…”struggle” is the wrong word…I hate it. I want to make it go away!

I wonder if I will ever really live the words in Get Thin Stay Thin:

Obedience and godly choices are going to come not by our effort or our will power, but rather by trusting God’s perfect design for our lives and allowing the Holy Spirit to work within us. As we make choices in agreement with God’s will, our awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness and trust inspires us to choose increasingly in accordance with the Spirit of Christ within us. GTST, p. 172

Trusting in God’s perfect design definitely means waiting on him. Sitting with how I am feeling, enduring the pain of it…letting it wash over me if need be…and waiting for Him to show up and be enough. YUCK! I would rather have an Oreo milkshake. (Doesn’t this sound ridiculous?) I know that I would really rather have the work done in me that he intends to do…but it seems to hurt just so much. How can that be?

And what if he doesn’t show up, but allows me to sit in my need for a looong while? What will that do to my faith? Can I “afford” that? Will I believe him that this, too, is his perfect design? Will I trust him?

Surrender implies that we set our mind on the Spirit, being prepared to wait patiently for him to speak to us. It implies that when we become aware of our silent hunger, we let go of the demand that it be instantly gratified with food. GTST, p. 173

…or anything else, either.

So, I wait…

I am REJECTING lies!!! WHOO HOO!

by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 26, 2009 | Blog

I have been dreading the appointment on Friday with DragonLady — my doctor–who likes to try to use shame, guilt, condemnation –FEAR–in order to elicit change.

Some years ago, when my weight had gone up up up with each appointment, she finally gave in and threw off her supposed professional self-restraint and, upon seeing my current weight (at the time it was 250 pounds), breathed a contemptuous, “Your POOR horses!” (No eye contact offered…)

Ok, this was ROTTEN. I mean dirty, low down and, simply, NOT good and Satan himself couldn’t have heaped better condemnation on me if he had been standing in the room. For several years prior to that comment, I had tormented myself about how hard it was for the horses to carry me and I had, in fact, STOPPED riding them. The only reliable horse I had at the time was Breezy–rather diminutive in stature (though very LARGE in spirit and attitude). The other horses I had were “green” and very sensitive and I reasoned that their behavior issues when I was aboard might be related to my size and inability to sit well upon them. Some heavy people have an amazing “seat” and are easier for a horse to carry than some lighter folks who don’t have a “good seat,” but I was reasonably assured that I didn’t have either a light body *or* a good seat…

So DragonLady, as I dubbed her that day, merely gave a voice and face to the self-condemning messages I had been sending myself for a while.

Even after I released a lot of weight through 2007, I had this sense that DragonLady wanted to hear all about the marathons I had been running (I hadn’t been) or the strength training program I was committed to (I wasn’t) or the veggies and lean meats I was eating (bleah…unless the veggies are in salsa). She couldn’t “hear” that I was eating anything I wanted when I was hungry (typically NOT veggies and lean meats) and stopping when I was no longer hungry and definitely couldn’t abide my sharing that “I go to God for all of the other reasons I have eaten in the past…” – No…I think DragonLady is pretty well anti-God and all about how great the human body is when it is thin and exercised (she would have loved me during my obsessive years…).

So yesterday, about mid-afternoon, something inside me flipped out–big time. I went into hyper-freak-out mode and my accountability partner (who follows my blog somewhat and perhaps having seen what a cheery morning post I had put on the blog…) upon seeing my accountability report at the end of the day said: Is this about your appointment with DragonLady on Friday afternoon?

Well…if she hadn’t said that, I don’t think I would have given it any thought. As it was, it struck me as a BFO (blinding flash of the obvious!) DUH!

I was freaking out about the extra pounds I was now carrying since the last time I saw DragonLady. I was freaking out about my blood pressure being up (well, gosh, if I am freaking out about anything else, I am sure my blood pressure will also reflect that…) and frustrated that I felt TRAPPPED with no way to escape. I mean, I really really really want to know if there is anything medically that can explain the *betrayal* I have felt at the hands of my body gone bonkers since I got off of diet soda. I had my blood tests last Friday and the policy is they won’t let me see the results, but that DragonLady has to go over them with me. It is a conspiracy!!!!

This morning, my heavenly Daddy led me to evaluate what is really going on here. He used the principles in His Word and in the book and workbook The Search For Significance. What I discovered was profound to me and it is clear that much of the emotional work of the previous months and years has been pointing to something like this…to be able to dismantle an extreme emotional reaction to an event and be able to counter my responses with TRUTH–God’s truth. I want to share this here. This has a TRUCKLOAD to do with weight, body image and eating, so I hope anyone who wades through all of this rambling “brain barfing” will be able to find a real life application for themselves as well.

Given over to the runaway thoughts that were plaguing me yesterday, I could have gone nuts eating and not looked back for weeks. In fact, I had a rough evening with my eating…and there was definitely a connection (thus, the question from my accountability partner).

First question to ask myself: What is the worst thing that could happen tomorrow when I see Dragonlady? She could rebuke me for my weight gain, say something sarcastic, elicit shame, and a sense of condemnation. I could end up going through the drive through on the way home, ordering 12 snack wraps at McDonalds, a large fry, and hop over to Carl’s Jr. for an Oreo milkshake, all chased with a 44 oz. DIET COKE! HA! Ok, so this is the worst that could happen…and it sounds like a crash and burn to me!

But then, worse than that, I could take that “failure” with me into the following days and weeks and the spiral down could continue. So, that all sounds pretty bad to me.

So what to do? I can either cancel my appointment with DragonLady and start from scratch with a new doctor who might or might not be better than DragonLady, let alone have to reacquaint herself with my records…or, I can evaluate this and see if there is something going on that God wants to heal.

So I am looking head on at this. I choose healing. Ouch. It is always painful when I do that. But it is also always such a relief in the long run.

So the worst thing is DragonLady may trigger all my past stuff.

I DO NOT NEED TO ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN.

I want to experience the present moment and maybe there will be healing here. I mean, I don’t NEED to be a victim to any more DragonLady types. I am a VICTOR, more than a conqueror in Christ!

So, God led me to ask “What emotions are present here?” I prayerfully evaluated what emotions are present as I anticipate my doctor’s appointment. I realized there are a bunch of things. I fear being “caught” and “exposed.” I fear her feeling “contempt” for me and these things: shame, guilt, feeling stupid, feeling inferior, rejection, discouragement, inadequate, insignificant, embarrassed–all of these things in relation to a DOCTOR appointment??? WOW! Talk about an overreaction!

So I asked the Lord the third question: What is at the root of all this stuff! I mean, she is just a person. No one “special” to me personally.

He showed me that my fear of abandonment is at the root of this. No, not by DragonLady, but all of these emotions are connected to “I don’t measure up and if I don’t measure up, I will be abandoned.” I know this is related to the fact that, as a kid, my mom and dad tried to place me in a foster home. We had financial stability–my dad was a well-respected physician. It wasn’t like there was a “need”…I interpreted it as “My mom doesn’t want me any more. If I were different she would. I don’t measure up.” Somehow, in feeling like I don’t measure up even to Dragonlady, it triggers that sense of “I am unworthy. I am unwanted.”

So, AHA!!! This is a lie from the pit of hell! I can counter this with God’s Truth! God led me this morning to confess that I have bought in to Satan’s lie…that my performance, how “good” I am, defines my worth. I have allowed this to define my self worth for so long and now it is actually hindering me from being able to be at peace going to something so simple as an appointment with my doctor. So, I confess that and I confess that I also know that HE ALONE DEFINES MY WORTH and VALUE. My mother in the past doesn’t and all the other authority figures in my life that were disappointed with my “performance” don’t either. DragonLady doesn’t and MY WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE MY WORTH either! Others’ opinions of me do NOT define my worth.

I am deeply loved, completely forgiven and pleasing to God, totally accepted by God, and a new creation, complete in Christ.

The reason I react so strongly to DragonLady isn’t her lack of professionalism and lack of tact and just stupidly rude comments of the past. It is because of the baggage I bring with me, the huge part of which is believing the lie that what others think of me defines my worth. If I go to my appointment solidly believing that God alone defines my worth, then gosh…it doesn’t much matter what she says or does. I won’t end up with the “crash and burn” thing happening afterwards. If I believe what GOD says is true…that I am precious NO MATTER WHAT…then I go in the same person I come out–perfect and holy in Christ. PERIOD. Nothing DragonLady says or does changes my value!

I have allowed my weight to make me feel like I have value or not. I have allowed my body size to define my worth. I see it as a failure or not–value or not–and I assume others do too. Because I have allowed myself to base my life and self-worth on this false belief I have set myself up for feeling HORRIBLE when I encounter DragonLady (and others). I have set myself up to FEEL like a failure. No matter what DragonLady says or does, it is NOT a reflection of my character, value, or worth.

I choose this day to REJECT the notion that my weight or blood pressure defines my worth. I have embraced these lies for so long that in a situation like this I am a mess. NOT THIS TIME! NANNER NANNER MOO MOO, Satan! You can’t trip me up THIS time!

I take responsibility for my weight, yes. But I am going to find out if there is a medical reason for my body functioning differently. I also take responsibility for feeling so agitated, worried, freaked about my appointment with DragonLady because I have believed lies. In fact, I will go one more…

I choose to repent and confess right now that God alone defines my worth. I have for too long bought Satan’s deception and it has caused me to have emotions and feelings–and subsequent sinful actions many times–that are out of God’s will for me! I reject Satan’s deception today. I choose to embrace God’s truth that I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, completely forgiven, totally accepted and complete in Christ. (I know I am being redundant…but I have to learn to think differently…for all the times I have repeated the lies, I know I may need to repeat the truth…)

The Present Not the Past Part 4

by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 22, 2009 | Blog

How much will I allow my past to define me now? Will I believe that the Lord is greater than any of my past failures or the wrongs done to me? Will I believe what HE has said about me? This is very much related to my eating. Especially when it comes to emotional eating (and other strongholds).

This is how it has worked for me:

Someone says something that I interpret as rejection (or some other unpleasant thing). It triggers a memory, however distant (maybe even from 4th grade!). I may not even be aware that it has triggered that memory. Before I know it, I have taken whatever was done in the present moment and attributed to the present things that went with a past event. In fact, I may even allow a “domino” affect to take place…triggering an entire series of past memories that seem related. I may do this all without realizing it!

I may, in fact, respond as if I were that little girl in 4th grade trying to fit in and not quite making it. Even though I am an adult in the present moment, my experiences with similar emotions may be stunted…I haven’t ever responded as an adult to these kinds of emotions…or I have rarely because I have tended to use coping mechanisms (like eating) to make it through.

At this point, I may find myself feeling emotional pain…and projecting all kinds of things to the present experience that aren’t even there at all!

When I do this, I may want to be free from the pain that I feel. It may seem impossible that I have allowed something so “small” to make me so upset in the present moment, but the fact is, I have brought past unresolved issues into this moment. Frankly, I believe that until I allow the Lord to resolve these past issues (even those from 4th grade), I will continue to experience things in the present that trigger those past memories. The truth is, he will have his way and he wants me to be conformed to the image of Christ.

If I insist on numbing myself to my pain in the present moment by looking to food for the temporary false comfort it offers, I will perpetuate this cycle…that of continuing to have a series of unresolved painful memories…and something in the future is likely to trigger them all…resulting in eating to numb myself from the pain and on it goes. (Please note that it doesn’t have to be something super traumatic or abusive in order for this to happen. It can be just the ordinary things that happen as we grow up in a world where kids are cruel and people are sinful. It is life, but life can hurt!)

This cycle can be stopped. But first, I have to be willing to FEEL. I have to be willing to say NO to the temporary “joy” that eating may give me in these moments when I am feeling pain. I have to be willing to go to God and to invite him to help me to become what He intends through the pain.

I will not minimize how I feel, but acknowledge that something has triggered a deep feeling and invite God to show me what HE wants me to do with it. Journaling can be a big help here!

One way of doing this is to go back through the past experiences that are triggered. I can remember the moments when kids in the 6th grade said mean things, or the jibes in 7th grade, or the rejection of the 8th grade boyfriend, or the softball coach in 9th grade that added to my sense of abandonment when our team wasn’t “good enough” for him to show up at the games any more…or…well, the list goes on and on.

God wants me to look head on in to these, feel the pain of the 4th grade girl in a new school and allow HIM to comfort me. He says these things matter…they are affecting how I respond today and are causing me to turn to food so that I don’t have to feel.

I believe that forgiveness is the antidote to much of this tendency we have to bring our past into the preset moment and to hinder us from walking in freedom.

True forgiveness cannot exist without the acknowledgment of the extent of the damage. Forgiveness takes seriously the magnitude and profound effect of the hurtful event. It does not condone the behavior nor does it minimize the damage. Rather, forgiveness honestly confronts the extent of the harm and calls the offender to accountability. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 149

We take all of this to God. Each event, each incident, each emotion felt as a tender 10-year old, teenager or middle-aged woman…whatever we experienced, whenever we experienced it, we intentionally choose to remember, to feel, to reject depending on food to cope, to cling to God and ask Him to be whatever He wants to be for us in that, so that we can become what He intends through it.

As he does this work, we then intentionally choose to release those who wronged us–or who we perceived to have wronged us.

This isn’t easy, but there is freedom and growth. Our character develops and we become more like the Lord we serve as we allow him full sway to do that which he intends in and through our suffering.

I almost missed it…God IS doing a NEW thing!

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 21, 2009 | Blog

I know the blog name is “God is Doing a New Thing.” I think, though, that I take for granted that I have used up all my “new thing” tokens and he is doing the same old thing or a new new thing in someone else this week… 🙂

I had a huge revelation this morning, though.

Let me back up. My accountability partner and dear friend leads a Thin Within group at a church that meets near Sacramento. She has had me speak to her group a couple of times and I have absolutely LOVED being with those ladies. I love sharing time with them and having the privilege of telling them about a few things I have learned being on this journey so long. It has been a delight to my heart.

Last night on the phone, Kim asked me again, “We want you to come again and speak with the group.” I hemmed and hawed and put her off…explaining that I need to find out if this is a season for me to be quiet while God works on me. I figured it would be pride that would keep me yacking in front of others when my size is up from my “final” weight. While I haven’t continued to gain weight–I am holding steady at this size–I feel like…well, a *failure*… and I mentioned to Kim that I don’t want to be a hypocrite. (Yup…I used that word!) We left it at I would let her know when I felt like I could do it. Hmm…

Truthfully, as I thought and prayed about it this morning, my response baffled me a bit. I am working on shaking the approval addiction, fear of failure, and the performance trap…yet what did my response indicate? That I was still caught up in it…very much so.

This morning as I sat praying about how I felt at her invitation I had a “BFO” or “Blinding Flash of the Obvious” strike me…DUH!

This is what I wrote in my prayer journal:

Lord, Kim has asked me to come speak to her group again. Please help me to shake shame as I think that is precisely what I feel. My feeling is how could I possibly speak to these ladies about how to do this thing when I clearly look different than I used to? I mean, what if they notice the 10 pounds? Please help me to know if you want me to go to her class. If you want me to share, then of course I want to! But, Lord, I also don’t want this to feed my Approval Addiction. I don’t want to allow a constant need for approval of others and fear of failure to determine my actions either way. I do feel like a failure…my performance stinks…

…continuing in my prayer journal…this is the part where the light bulb goes on…

…It’s weird because apart from my physical size changing, I sure don’t feel like a failure! I feel like I am doing what YOU want!

Wow…I just realized, Lord…if I could strip away what the scale says or the way my favorite Levis fit…if I could forget about outward appearance for just a moment–I would see something else entirely! I would see that:

• I delight to grow and change
• I have made and am making hard decisions–for instance to speak out about something in obedience to you, even risking losing approval of others when doing so
• I have been practically processing things and obeying you–not always perfectly, but definitely in difficult choices!
• I have given up an extreme dependence on diet soda that held me in captivity for 30 years!!!!
• I like the changes I am making in response to your leadership, Lord!
• I am not allowing my need for success with my horses to drive my decisions or determine how I feel about myself any longer. Maybe it isn’t a need any more!
  
• I am doing what YOU say and letting go of the rest.
• I am making hard choices, listening to your voice.
• I am risking reaching out to love others
• I am being authentic…
  

Do I have this worked out perfectly? No…but wow! That is a great list! I think I like myself for the first time in a long time!!! Thank you, Lord, for all you are doing in me! THIS IS A NEW THING FOR SURE!

…So…WHY let my physical size get in the way of delighting in all you are doing in me? I still fight the fight against the lusts of the flesh. I still try to say no to the cookies when I am not at a 0…and sometimes succeed in saying no!

What a breakthrough for me to see this–that I am experiencing “success” at what really matters. I know that if this IS my set size…the size YOU want me to be…I am OK with it. It is ok. How I look compared to how I used to look isn’t the most important thing…it is what you have done and are doing in my heart that matters. I am no longer enslaved by the lust of my flesh that kept me drinking copious quantities of addicting and damaging chemicals… PRAISE YOU, LORD! And thank you for the safety of an incredible accountability partner who esteems me, but speaks TRUTH to me. THANK YOU.

===

So, as you can see, this is a huge breakthrough. I am not sure, yet, what it will mean about when I will share with Kim’s class, but I see now that Satan was trying to convince me that it was pride that would cause me to want to share. The truth is, it would be SHAME keeping me from it…

Another lie from the pit of hell has been rendered IMPOTENT by the power and truth of Christ! Praising his name!

–> How about you? Is there any way that you are wearing ungodly shame and calling it something else? Are there things God has been doing in your life as you travel this road that you are overlooking because you are fixating on your physical appearance? Yes, we want to be healthy physically, but what is eternal is something much deeper. God works both, but sometimes it may be the long way around…he is after the heart *now* and the physical body will follow.

–> Can you relate at all to my struggle? Have your favorite pair of jeans become an idol and you will do anything to be able to wear them? Has a number on a man-made bathroom scale become your measurement for “success?” Is what size you are or what you weigh more important than releasing obsession, addictions, and unhealthy practices? It sure has been for me…I am so thankful for God’s grace that has exposed the lies…and that continues to to so. So many blind spots, even still! It amazes me!

Let’s CELEBRATE the new thing HE IS DOING! 🙂

Worth Not Shame Part 1

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 18, 2009 | Blog

Think for a minute about a counterfeit…counterfeit money or counterfeit jewelry or a counterfeit of a great work of art. Designed to look, act, seem to be the real thing, there is one small problem with a counterfeit–it isn’t the real thing. It doesn’t cut it. On the surface, sure–all appears in place. But not once you get deeper. Just as it would be appalling to welcome an impostor disguised as someone you know and love into your home, it misses the mark when we welcome counterfeit means of meeting deep needs of our hearts with fakes, counterfeits, “impostors.”

God declares you worthy of love, connection, and intimacy as His precious children for whom he sacrificed his only son. Your security, significance and self-worth are firmly established in this truth. As his children, your need to be valued, cared for, appreciated, and connected to another is rooted and grounded in God’s love. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 99

It is a God-given need to experience intimacy, connection, and worth…God has gifted us with this desire and its proper fulfillment… GTST, p. 99

If I think about this for a minute it really isn’t where I live. This need for these things. Well, it seems like a curse more often than a gift. Left unfulfilled, it results in pain…and that is why I turn to things to not feel.

The key is proper fulfillment.

What is “proper fulfillment?”

If I can discover that, I know the drive to “numb out” wouldn’t be there! The counterfeits wouldn’t be so appealing as the real thing would more than suffice!

The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin point out that in our families of origin, these needs were not only often left unmet, but we received messages that actually countered God’s truths. Most of us were in dysfunctional families…people did their best, perhaps, but nevertheless, they sent us messages that we interpreted as devaluing. We began to believe we were deficient, valueless…and shame may have begun to grow very early. We may believe we don’t “deserve” the good things in life as a result.

Last night, when I was meeting with my accountability partner, God revealed that he had shown us both the same thing…there is a core belief operating that comes (for me at least) out of my dysfunctional upbringing. It is a belief that flies in the face of GOD’S TRUTH.

The false belief (lie) that:

I do NOT deserve to be thin, healthy, and happy.

I used to discount this notion… the notion that I embraced this false belief. It sounded like so much psycho-babble, frankly.

But working through the Get Thin Stay Thin book (what used to be Thin Again and Silent Hunger), I realize it IS true. The messages communicated to me growing up were that I was a mistake, a bother, a lot of trouble and unwanted. Somehow, I have taken a hold of that and turned it into a definition of my value or worth now…and if I have little value or worth, I definitely don’t deserve a happy life…or a rich, blessed life…a joy-filled life and anything “good.”

As a result, I have been desperately trying to sabotage all that God has been trying to work in me and through me. I lost the weight that I did probably by sheer determination–a “Just Do It” mentality–but I have been battling keeping the weight off, sabotaging everything…so now God is showing me the truth behind the following words in the Get Thin Stay Thin book:

God calls us, through the most basic function of our daily life, to look deeply into ourselves, to look beyond a simple change in our size or outer appearance: He wants to transform us from the inside out for eternity. GTST, p. 117.

This is about so much more than losing weight and keeping it off!

There is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). God sent His son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).

But I keep condemning myself!

If we believe at all that we aren’t *worthy* of having a healthy physical body, or of enjoying being thin or something related..we may very well continue to sabotage our own efforts.

For me this comes back to allowing the Lord to renew my mind with HIS truth. Replacing those lies I embrace with HIS truth. Rejecting my old unworkable beliefs. He says I am worth dying for. Certainly HE defines my worth as being that beyond anything I could fathom given the price he paid to redeem me…It is stunning to consider.

I am working on changing what I believe as I know that beliefs affect my actions…the very actions that I don’t understand about myself…derailing my efforts to honor God with my eating and drinking. To grab at the counterfeits when I know they are impostors masquerading as satisfaction.

Lord, please help us to embrace truth about our value and worth in your sight. I pray that we might reject the lies of the enemy that keep us wallowing in a place from which you have set us free. We think we don’t deserve to leave our prison cells. So, even though the chains have fallen and the doors are open, we stay in our cells, frittering away our lives, beating ourselves up, convinced we deserve that or less. Oh, Lord, we must reject these things. Help us to allow you to lift our eyes…to see the doors are wide open, you have set us, the captives, free! You have chosen to attribute to us Christ’s righteousness. We aren’t just forgiven. We have been given the righteousness of Christ. Because of your declaration and all you have accomplished, we “deserve” all the blessings that go along with the inheritance of your precious son! Oh, what a great amazing gift this is! May we walk in the splendor of the calling we have received! May we reject lies and embrace YOUR truth…step into the freedom you have for us. Help us to believe the truth, Lord. In the Name of Jesus and for His Sake, Amen.