by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 29, 2009 | Blog
LOL! Not a very clever title for a blog post…actually, the truth is, life is exciting! God has been up to some big things and I am thrilled about it!
I have been enjoying long leisurely quiet times in the early morning–part of the time I used to spend blogging. Now I am spending it with Him lingering a bit longer. I have needed this because spiritual warfare has definitely increased. I know God is up to some big things–in my life, but also in the life of my church body. He has laid on my heart to pray and encourage some folks and I think the enemy is stinking mad! This has resulted in less time online in the mornings, but it is a good thing.
So, if you are wondering if I have “thrown in the towel” or have “given up” … NO! Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, I continue to rejoice that this is SO totally different than any time in my past when I have “lost” weight…and then “found” some again. THIS is DIFFERENT! I rejoice!
On a practical note, I have begun to really step up scrutinizing my eating between 0 and 5. There have been some adjustments made there.
The new experiment is yet ahead. I am praying about a few things relative to my health and wholeness:
1.) Exercise…what kind of exercise will be incorporated into my life? Does God want me to be routine about this? I have returned to riding my horses again and I typically do some walking when I go on a ride (my riding horses are in their 20s and we live in hilly terrain, so getting off for some of the hills is my gift to all of us!). I do tend to have some *fears* associated with an exercise routine and whether God wants me to have a regular exercise routine or not, I don’t know, but I DO know he wants me to deal with the fear. And I want my body, His temple, to be fit–no matter my size.
2.) Working with my Doc horse who has been for sale. I think God may be leading me to continue my healing journey by being intentional about working with Doc. God hasn’t opened the door for Doc to leave to live with another family permanently. So I think it could be his purpose with me isn’t finished. God uses my animals in my life to teach me so many things. When I work with Doc many of my “issues” surface and I tend to shut down–almost disassociate. This keeps me from being present to help Doc *or* me! I have assumed that I should find a new home for Doc so he can have a human who can give him what he needs, but perhaps the Lord wants to continue my healing by helping me get through this…so…we will see…Definitely praying about it.
3.) I am going through The Search for Significance again, but this time with my accountability partner. I am excited about this! (I still have notes from Get Thin Stay Thin that I want to post here at the blog, so I get ahead of myself, of course!). God continues to remove one layer of the onion after the other. 
It is amazing how much is here. I continue to prayerfully walk through this: Lord, please show me what strongholds other than you remain in my life…I want to tear them down by your power!
Related to all of the above is something I have to share about my Harley horse. Harley and I have had a tumultuous relationship. Like the others, I got him 6 years ago when I fell head over heals in love. My relationship with Harley is definitely different from the others. 🙂 Harley is like the horse I dreamed all my life of having…
Breezy is Old Reliable (the white horse to the right–did you know Jesus will ride a white horse one day? Breezy is convinced it will be him! LOL!). Breezy is my faithful steed to ride when I just want to go on a joy ride and see the wonders of God’s creation or visit with a friend.
Dodger (to the left) is my comedian–he is a character and I relate to him as I would a class clown that I adore. We don’t ride on the trails at this time. Maybe some day!
Doc (pictured in the first photo where I am riding him) is more of my “baby” horse…I’ve had to nurse-maid him for one thing or another all his life with me (6 years).
Harley (pictured down below), on the other hand, is like a mad, passionate love affair! 🙂 He makes the blood in my veins run hot and I adore him…I adore them all, but this is different. He is solicitous and interacts with me. We communicate with one another (no, I don’t mean in voices…but it is obvious we have many “discussions” when we are together!).
I also have the most depending on or “riding on” my relationship with him, having put SO much pressure on myself and on him to “succeed.” God is using him to show me that I have placed far too much importance on accomplishing things with Harley for my sense of value and significance. It seems so silly, really. But it is true!
So, lately, the principles from Get Thin Stay Thin and The Search for Significance have come home in my horsemanship! I realize that I am the same person when I end my horse time as I am when I begin it–that because of the love of God and Christ’s redemption I am a person of great worth, I am redeemed and precious in his sight, I am fully accepted and loved. It isn’t my horsemanship that determines my value (I know this is obvious) just as it isn’t my being at a certain weight and staying there that makes me have value or “success.” It is GOD ALONE who defines my worth and value….
This has been coming home in such a fresh way. And my times with Harley have been wonderful–I think partly because the self-imposed pressure is off! Harley is so sensitive to me and how I feel (I mean almost eerily so…) that I know he senses this change as well and is responding well to it.
Anyhow, I am HUMMING along…God is walking with me and I with him…and the fellowship is SWEET!
I hope to take some time daily to put my notes about the final chapters if Get Thin Stay Thin here at the blog. The stuff in that book has changed my life so much! (You should see what has happened to my accountability partner! MAN ALIVE!!!!!! GOD IS AWESOME!!!)
by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 16, 2009 | Blog
It is so odd to me during my study of this book with the name of Get Thin, Stay Thin…well, I gained weight. Yes… I actually began the study thinner than I am now at the end of studying it. Isn’t that weird? Ironic really.
Get Thin…I had…and I was freaking out about all I needed to do to stay at that weight/size back in January when I began this study with my accountability partner. I struggled with a few pounds during the holidays…but that was nothing compared to what was ahead. I had NO idea!
Stay Thin…er…not quite! It seems so like God to lead me to unwrap grave clothes that actually resulted in my gaining weight…going up one size. I went from being artificially thin due to caffeine addiction to being a weight/size that I guess is his for me today.
Having shed that caffeine dependency, I am NOW my “natural” God-given size instead of my non-natural, caffeine-given size!
To be totally honest here, there is *some* caffeine in modest amounts in my life in the form of a flavored cappuccino drink and Dr. Pepper every once in a while (no nutrasweet, however)…but my accountability partner and I are watching that like hawks. I see how easy it would be to fall and become dependent on caffeine again.
I celebrate that God has done yet another NEW thing (and continues to do it!).
In the past, gaining ANY weight after losing it all and becoming truly *thin*, I would have thrown in the towel and been back up up up and away…I would have thrown caution to the wind and overeaten, returning to all my old ways. I would have *stopped* “struggling” and given in.
My life literally WON’T allow for that now. Eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am no longer hungry has become such a *constant* way for me and the way *I* am…not just something I am working at…that I can’t go back to living the old way. Praise the LORD!
So God has done yet another new thing…shown me how to gain weight gracefully. 😉 WITHOUT it spelling the end of all things! Without DOOM, destruction, HORROR!
THERE IS NO SHAME IN THIS! To allow shame is to believe a LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL.
So here it is again, in case anyone has missed it!…I AM BIGGER THAN I USED TO BE!
This is NOT failure!! Nanner nanner moo moo, Satan!
I have removed grave clothes that kept me from intimacy with God…even my “status” as “Thin Within Woman” kept me from dependency on God…pride and arrogance…bleah! But, now, I have broken out of that…I am free…or free to BE free. (It is a process!)
THIS IS the “holy struggle.” To believe Him for all I am worth no matter what my past may dictate, what well meaning people may think (“Being thinner is better”) or say or do in response to the newest addition of photos and admissions here at my blog. I am closer to God than I was in those months of being 150 pounds. More strongholds have been torn down in my life! How can I argue with that? 🙂
So onward I walk…I commit to the “struggle.” I am willing. It is worth it.
by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 4, 2009 | Blog
I don’t want to feel silent hunger.
I don’t want to feel a sense of failure.
I don’t want to keep trying things and not get it PERFECT! (Duh…I don’t seem to have gotten past this!)
The more I interact with people, the easier it is to feel things I don’t want to feel, too. It isn’t so much that people do anything wrong…not at all…but there are triggers I have…that I thought were gone…or going…and people seem to flip those triggers due to no fault of their own. I much prefer to just sorta float along and not see just how far I am from really *applying* the truths God has been teaching me.
If I don’t interact with people, then it is easy to soothe myself with this reassurance that I am growing and changing.
This morning, when I got up to meet with God, all I wanted to do was cry. A question from my accountability partner in email yesterday flashed through my mind…What is this about? I directed the question to God. He very gently reminded me that THIS is what He wants from me. For me to sit before him and FEEL. Rather than stuffing down my feelings with busy-ness or food or whatever else…he wants me to go ahead and cry, but cry to HIM. I still struggle with this. No…”struggle” is the wrong word…I hate it. I want to make it go away!
I wonder if I will ever really live the words in Get Thin Stay Thin:
Obedience and godly choices are going to come not by our effort or our will power, but rather by trusting God’s perfect design for our lives and allowing the Holy Spirit to work within us. As we make choices in agreement with God’s will, our awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness and trust inspires us to choose increasingly in accordance with the Spirit of Christ within us. GTST, p. 172
Trusting in God’s perfect design definitely means waiting on him. Sitting with how I am feeling, enduring the pain of it…letting it wash over me if need be…and waiting for Him to show up and be enough. YUCK! I would rather have an Oreo milkshake. (Doesn’t this sound ridiculous?) I know that I would really rather have the work done in me that he intends to do…but it seems to hurt just so much. How can that be?
And what if he doesn’t show up, but allows me to sit in my need for a looong while? What will that do to my faith? Can I “afford” that? Will I believe him that this, too, is his perfect design? Will I trust him?
Surrender implies that we set our mind on the Spirit, being prepared to wait patiently for him to speak to us. It implies that when we become aware of our silent hunger, we let go of the demand that it be instantly gratified with food. GTST, p. 173
…or anything else, either.
So, I wait…
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 26, 2009 | Blog
I have been dreading the appointment on Friday with DragonLady — my doctor–who likes to try to use shame, guilt, condemnation –FEAR–in order to elicit change.
Some years ago, when my weight had gone up up up with each appointment, she finally gave in and threw off her supposed professional self-restraint and, upon seeing my current weight (at the time it was 250 pounds), breathed a contemptuous, “Your POOR horses!” (No eye contact offered…)
Ok, this was ROTTEN. I mean dirty, low down and, simply, NOT good and Satan himself couldn’t have heaped better condemnation on me if he had been standing in the room. For several years prior to that comment, I had tormented myself about how hard it was for the horses to carry me and I had, in fact, STOPPED riding them. The only reliable horse I had at the time was Breezy–rather diminutive in stature (though very LARGE in spirit and attitude). The other horses I had were “green” and very sensitive and I reasoned that their behavior issues when I was aboard might be related to my size and inability to sit well upon them. Some heavy people have an amazing “seat” and are easier for a horse to carry than some lighter folks who don’t have a “good seat,” but I was reasonably assured that I didn’t have either a light body *or* a good seat…
So DragonLady, as I dubbed her that day, merely gave a voice and face to the self-condemning messages I had been sending myself for a while.
Even after I released a lot of weight through 2007, I had this sense that DragonLady wanted to hear all about the marathons I had been running (I hadn’t been) or the strength training program I was committed to (I wasn’t) or the veggies and lean meats I was eating (bleah…unless the veggies are in salsa). She couldn’t “hear” that I was eating anything I wanted when I was hungry (typically NOT veggies and lean meats) and stopping when I was no longer hungry and definitely couldn’t abide my sharing that “I go to God for all of the other reasons I have eaten in the past…” – No…I think DragonLady is pretty well anti-God and all about how great the human body is when it is thin and exercised (she would have loved me during my obsessive years…).
So yesterday, about mid-afternoon, something inside me flipped out–big time. I went into hyper-freak-out mode and my accountability partner (who follows my blog somewhat and perhaps having seen what a cheery morning post I had put on the blog…) upon seeing my accountability report at the end of the day said: Is this about your appointment with DragonLady on Friday afternoon?
Well…if she hadn’t said that, I don’t think I would have given it any thought. As it was, it struck me as a BFO (blinding flash of the obvious!) DUH!
I was freaking out about the extra pounds I was now carrying since the last time I saw DragonLady. I was freaking out about my blood pressure being up (well, gosh, if I am freaking out about anything else, I am sure my blood pressure will also reflect that…) and frustrated that I felt TRAPPPED with no way to escape. I mean, I really really really want to know if there is anything medically that can explain the *betrayal* I have felt at the hands of my body gone bonkers since I got off of diet soda. I had my blood tests last Friday and the policy is they won’t let me see the results, but that DragonLady has to go over them with me. It is a conspiracy!!!!
This morning, my heavenly Daddy led me to evaluate what is really going on here. He used the principles in His Word and in the book and workbook The Search For Significance. What I discovered was profound to me and it is clear that much of the emotional work of the previous months and years has been pointing to something like this…to be able to dismantle an extreme emotional reaction to an event and be able to counter my responses with TRUTH–God’s truth. I want to share this here. This has a TRUCKLOAD to do with weight, body image and eating, so I hope anyone who wades through all of this rambling “brain barfing” will be able to find a real life application for themselves as well.
Given over to the runaway thoughts that were plaguing me yesterday, I could have gone nuts eating and not looked back for weeks. In fact, I had a rough evening with my eating…and there was definitely a connection (thus, the question from my accountability partner).
First question to ask myself: What is the worst thing that could happen tomorrow when I see Dragonlady? She could rebuke me for my weight gain, say something sarcastic, elicit shame, and a sense of condemnation. I could end up going through the drive through on the way home, ordering 12 snack wraps at McDonalds, a large fry, and hop over to Carl’s Jr. for an Oreo milkshake, all chased with a 44 oz. DIET COKE! HA! Ok, so this is the worst that could happen…and it sounds like a crash and burn to me!
But then, worse than that, I could take that “failure” with me into the following days and weeks and the spiral down could continue. So, that all sounds pretty bad to me.
So what to do? I can either cancel my appointment with DragonLady and start from scratch with a new doctor who might or might not be better than DragonLady, let alone have to reacquaint herself with my records…or, I can evaluate this and see if there is something going on that God wants to heal.
So I am looking head on at this. I choose healing. Ouch. It is always painful when I do that. But it is also always such a relief in the long run.
So the worst thing is DragonLady may trigger all my past stuff.
I DO NOT NEED TO ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN.
I want to experience the present moment and maybe there will be healing here. I mean, I don’t NEED to be a victim to any more DragonLady types. I am a VICTOR, more than a conqueror in Christ!
So, God led me to ask “What emotions are present here?” I prayerfully evaluated what emotions are present as I anticipate my doctor’s appointment. I realized there are a bunch of things. I fear being “caught” and “exposed.” I fear her feeling “contempt” for me and these things: shame, guilt, feeling stupid, feeling inferior, rejection, discouragement, inadequate, insignificant, embarrassed–all of these things in relation to a DOCTOR appointment??? WOW! Talk about an overreaction!
So I asked the Lord the third question: What is at the root of all this stuff! I mean, she is just a person. No one “special” to me personally.
He showed me that my fear of abandonment is at the root of this. No, not by DragonLady, but all of these emotions are connected to “I don’t measure up and if I don’t measure up, I will be abandoned.” I know this is related to the fact that, as a kid, my mom and dad tried to place me in a foster home. We had financial stability–my dad was a well-respected physician. It wasn’t like there was a “need”…I interpreted it as “My mom doesn’t want me any more. If I were different she would. I don’t measure up.” Somehow, in feeling like I don’t measure up even to Dragonlady, it triggers that sense of “I am unworthy. I am unwanted.”
So, AHA!!! This is a lie from the pit of hell! I can counter this with God’s Truth! God led me this morning to confess that I have bought in to Satan’s lie…that my performance, how “good” I am, defines my worth. I have allowed this to define my self worth for so long and now it is actually hindering me from being able to be at peace going to something so simple as an appointment with my doctor. So, I confess that and I confess that I also know that HE ALONE DEFINES MY WORTH and VALUE. My mother in the past doesn’t and all the other authority figures in my life that were disappointed with my “performance” don’t either. DragonLady doesn’t and MY WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE MY WORTH either! Others’ opinions of me do NOT define my worth.
I am deeply loved, completely forgiven and pleasing to God, totally accepted by God, and a new creation, complete in Christ.
The reason I react so strongly to DragonLady isn’t her lack of professionalism and lack of tact and just stupidly rude comments of the past. It is because of the baggage I bring with me, the huge part of which is believing the lie that what others think of me defines my worth. If I go to my appointment solidly believing that God alone defines my worth, then gosh…it doesn’t much matter what she says or does. I won’t end up with the “crash and burn” thing happening afterwards. If I believe what GOD says is true…that I am precious NO MATTER WHAT…then I go in the same person I come out–perfect and holy in Christ. PERIOD. Nothing DragonLady says or does changes my value!
I have allowed my weight to make me feel like I have value or not. I have allowed my body size to define my worth. I see it as a failure or not–value or not–and I assume others do too. Because I have allowed myself to base my life and self-worth on this false belief I have set myself up for feeling HORRIBLE when I encounter DragonLady (and others). I have set myself up to FEEL like a failure. No matter what DragonLady says or does, it is NOT a reflection of my character, value, or worth.
I choose this day to REJECT the notion that my weight or blood pressure defines my worth. I have embraced these lies for so long that in a situation like this I am a mess. NOT THIS TIME! NANNER NANNER MOO MOO, Satan! You can’t trip me up THIS time!
I take responsibility for my weight, yes. But I am going to find out if there is a medical reason for my body functioning differently. I also take responsibility for feeling so agitated, worried, freaked about my appointment with DragonLady because I have believed lies. In fact, I will go one more…
I choose to repent and confess right now that God alone defines my worth. I have for too long bought Satan’s deception and it has caused me to have emotions and feelings–and subsequent sinful actions many times–that are out of God’s will for me! I reject Satan’s deception today. I choose to embrace God’s truth that I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, completely forgiven, totally accepted and complete in Christ. (I know I am being redundant…but I have to learn to think differently…for all the times I have repeated the lies, I know I may need to repeat the truth…)
by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 22, 2009 | Blog
How much will I allow my past to define me now? Will I believe that the Lord is greater than any of my past failures or the wrongs done to me? Will I believe what HE has said about me? This is very much related to my eating. Especially when it comes to emotional eating (and other strongholds).
This is how it has worked for me:
Someone says something that I interpret as rejection (or some other unpleasant thing). It triggers a memory, however distant (maybe even from 4th grade!). I may not even be aware that it has triggered that memory. Before I know it, I have taken whatever was done in the present moment and attributed to the present things that went with a past event. In fact, I may even allow a “domino” affect to take place…triggering an entire series of past memories that seem related. I may do this all without realizing it!
I may, in fact, respond as if I were that little girl in 4th grade trying to fit in and not quite making it. Even though I am an adult in the present moment, my experiences with similar emotions may be stunted…I haven’t ever responded as an adult to these kinds of emotions…or I have rarely because I have tended to use coping mechanisms (like eating) to make it through.
At this point, I may find myself feeling emotional pain…and projecting all kinds of things to the present experience that aren’t even there at all!
When I do this, I may want to be free from the pain that I feel. It may seem impossible that I have allowed something so “small” to make me so upset in the present moment, but the fact is, I have brought past unresolved issues into this moment. Frankly, I believe that until I allow the Lord to resolve these past issues (even those from 4th grade), I will continue to experience things in the present that trigger those past memories. The truth is, he will have his way and he wants me to be conformed to the image of Christ.
If I insist on numbing myself to my pain in the present moment by looking to food for the temporary false comfort it offers, I will perpetuate this cycle…that of continuing to have a series of unresolved painful memories…and something in the future is likely to trigger them all…resulting in eating to numb myself from the pain and on it goes. (Please note that it doesn’t have to be something super traumatic or abusive in order for this to happen. It can be just the ordinary things that happen as we grow up in a world where kids are cruel and people are sinful. It is life, but life can hurt!)
This cycle can be stopped. But first, I have to be willing to FEEL. I have to be willing to say NO to the temporary “joy” that eating may give me in these moments when I am feeling pain. I have to be willing to go to God and to invite him to help me to become what He intends through the pain.
I will not minimize how I feel, but acknowledge that something has triggered a deep feeling and invite God to show me what HE wants me to do with it. Journaling can be a big help here!
One way of doing this is to go back through the past experiences that are triggered. I can remember the moments when kids in the 6th grade said mean things, or the jibes in 7th grade, or the rejection of the 8th grade boyfriend, or the softball coach in 9th grade that added to my sense of abandonment when our team wasn’t “good enough” for him to show up at the games any more…or…well, the list goes on and on.
God wants me to look head on in to these, feel the pain of the 4th grade girl in a new school and allow HIM to comfort me. He says these things matter…they are affecting how I respond today and are causing me to turn to food so that I don’t have to feel.
I believe that forgiveness is the antidote to much of this tendency we have to bring our past into the preset moment and to hinder us from walking in freedom.
True forgiveness cannot exist without the acknowledgment of the extent of the damage. Forgiveness takes seriously the magnitude and profound effect of the hurtful event. It does not condone the behavior nor does it minimize the damage. Rather, forgiveness honestly confronts the extent of the harm and calls the offender to accountability. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 149
We take all of this to God. Each event, each incident, each emotion felt as a tender 10-year old, teenager or middle-aged woman…whatever we experienced, whenever we experienced it, we intentionally choose to remember, to feel, to reject depending on food to cope, to cling to God and ask Him to be whatever He wants to be for us in that, so that we can become what He intends through it.
As he does this work, we then intentionally choose to release those who wronged us–or who we perceived to have wronged us.
This isn’t easy, but there is freedom and growth. Our character develops and we become more like the Lord we serve as we allow him full sway to do that which he intends in and through our suffering.
It is amazing how much is here. I continue to prayerfully walk through this: Lord, please show me what strongholds other than you remain in my life…I want to tear them down by your power!
Dodger (to the left) is my comedian–he is a character and I relate to him as I would a class clown that I adore. We don’t ride on the trails at this time. Maybe some day!
This has been coming home in such a fresh way. And my times with Harley have been wonderful–I think partly because the self-imposed pressure is off! Harley is so sensitive to me and how I feel (I mean almost eerily so…) that I know he senses this change as well and is responding well to it.
