I almost missed it…God IS doing a NEW thing!

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 21, 2009 | Blog

I know the blog name is “God is Doing a New Thing.” I think, though, that I take for granted that I have used up all my “new thing” tokens and he is doing the same old thing or a new new thing in someone else this week… 🙂

I had a huge revelation this morning, though.

Let me back up. My accountability partner and dear friend leads a Thin Within group at a church that meets near Sacramento. She has had me speak to her group a couple of times and I have absolutely LOVED being with those ladies. I love sharing time with them and having the privilege of telling them about a few things I have learned being on this journey so long. It has been a delight to my heart.

Last night on the phone, Kim asked me again, “We want you to come again and speak with the group.” I hemmed and hawed and put her off…explaining that I need to find out if this is a season for me to be quiet while God works on me. I figured it would be pride that would keep me yacking in front of others when my size is up from my “final” weight. While I haven’t continued to gain weight–I am holding steady at this size–I feel like…well, a *failure*… and I mentioned to Kim that I don’t want to be a hypocrite. (Yup…I used that word!) We left it at I would let her know when I felt like I could do it. Hmm…

Truthfully, as I thought and prayed about it this morning, my response baffled me a bit. I am working on shaking the approval addiction, fear of failure, and the performance trap…yet what did my response indicate? That I was still caught up in it…very much so.

This morning as I sat praying about how I felt at her invitation I had a “BFO” or “Blinding Flash of the Obvious” strike me…DUH!

This is what I wrote in my prayer journal:

Lord, Kim has asked me to come speak to her group again. Please help me to shake shame as I think that is precisely what I feel. My feeling is how could I possibly speak to these ladies about how to do this thing when I clearly look different than I used to? I mean, what if they notice the 10 pounds? Please help me to know if you want me to go to her class. If you want me to share, then of course I want to! But, Lord, I also don’t want this to feed my Approval Addiction. I don’t want to allow a constant need for approval of others and fear of failure to determine my actions either way. I do feel like a failure…my performance stinks…

…continuing in my prayer journal…this is the part where the light bulb goes on…

…It’s weird because apart from my physical size changing, I sure don’t feel like a failure! I feel like I am doing what YOU want!

Wow…I just realized, Lord…if I could strip away what the scale says or the way my favorite Levis fit…if I could forget about outward appearance for just a moment–I would see something else entirely! I would see that:

• I delight to grow and change
• I have made and am making hard decisions–for instance to speak out about something in obedience to you, even risking losing approval of others when doing so
• I have been practically processing things and obeying you–not always perfectly, but definitely in difficult choices!
• I have given up an extreme dependence on diet soda that held me in captivity for 30 years!!!!
• I like the changes I am making in response to your leadership, Lord!
• I am not allowing my need for success with my horses to drive my decisions or determine how I feel about myself any longer. Maybe it isn’t a need any more!
  
• I am doing what YOU say and letting go of the rest.
• I am making hard choices, listening to your voice.
• I am risking reaching out to love others
• I am being authentic…
  

Do I have this worked out perfectly? No…but wow! That is a great list! I think I like myself for the first time in a long time!!! Thank you, Lord, for all you are doing in me! THIS IS A NEW THING FOR SURE!

…So…WHY let my physical size get in the way of delighting in all you are doing in me? I still fight the fight against the lusts of the flesh. I still try to say no to the cookies when I am not at a 0…and sometimes succeed in saying no!

What a breakthrough for me to see this–that I am experiencing “success” at what really matters. I know that if this IS my set size…the size YOU want me to be…I am OK with it. It is ok. How I look compared to how I used to look isn’t the most important thing…it is what you have done and are doing in my heart that matters. I am no longer enslaved by the lust of my flesh that kept me drinking copious quantities of addicting and damaging chemicals… PRAISE YOU, LORD! And thank you for the safety of an incredible accountability partner who esteems me, but speaks TRUTH to me. THANK YOU.

===

So, as you can see, this is a huge breakthrough. I am not sure, yet, what it will mean about when I will share with Kim’s class, but I see now that Satan was trying to convince me that it was pride that would cause me to want to share. The truth is, it would be SHAME keeping me from it…

Another lie from the pit of hell has been rendered IMPOTENT by the power and truth of Christ! Praising his name!

–> How about you? Is there any way that you are wearing ungodly shame and calling it something else? Are there things God has been doing in your life as you travel this road that you are overlooking because you are fixating on your physical appearance? Yes, we want to be healthy physically, but what is eternal is something much deeper. God works both, but sometimes it may be the long way around…he is after the heart *now* and the physical body will follow.

–> Can you relate at all to my struggle? Have your favorite pair of jeans become an idol and you will do anything to be able to wear them? Has a number on a man-made bathroom scale become your measurement for “success?” Is what size you are or what you weigh more important than releasing obsession, addictions, and unhealthy practices? It sure has been for me…I am so thankful for God’s grace that has exposed the lies…and that continues to to so. So many blind spots, even still! It amazes me!

Let’s CELEBRATE the new thing HE IS DOING! 🙂

Worth Not Shame Part 1

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 18, 2009 | Blog

Think for a minute about a counterfeit…counterfeit money or counterfeit jewelry or a counterfeit of a great work of art. Designed to look, act, seem to be the real thing, there is one small problem with a counterfeit–it isn’t the real thing. It doesn’t cut it. On the surface, sure–all appears in place. But not once you get deeper. Just as it would be appalling to welcome an impostor disguised as someone you know and love into your home, it misses the mark when we welcome counterfeit means of meeting deep needs of our hearts with fakes, counterfeits, “impostors.”

God declares you worthy of love, connection, and intimacy as His precious children for whom he sacrificed his only son. Your security, significance and self-worth are firmly established in this truth. As his children, your need to be valued, cared for, appreciated, and connected to another is rooted and grounded in God’s love. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 99

It is a God-given need to experience intimacy, connection, and worth…God has gifted us with this desire and its proper fulfillment… GTST, p. 99

If I think about this for a minute it really isn’t where I live. This need for these things. Well, it seems like a curse more often than a gift. Left unfulfilled, it results in pain…and that is why I turn to things to not feel.

The key is proper fulfillment.

What is “proper fulfillment?”

If I can discover that, I know the drive to “numb out” wouldn’t be there! The counterfeits wouldn’t be so appealing as the real thing would more than suffice!

The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin point out that in our families of origin, these needs were not only often left unmet, but we received messages that actually countered God’s truths. Most of us were in dysfunctional families…people did their best, perhaps, but nevertheless, they sent us messages that we interpreted as devaluing. We began to believe we were deficient, valueless…and shame may have begun to grow very early. We may believe we don’t “deserve” the good things in life as a result.

Last night, when I was meeting with my accountability partner, God revealed that he had shown us both the same thing…there is a core belief operating that comes (for me at least) out of my dysfunctional upbringing. It is a belief that flies in the face of GOD’S TRUTH.

The false belief (lie) that:

I do NOT deserve to be thin, healthy, and happy.

I used to discount this notion… the notion that I embraced this false belief. It sounded like so much psycho-babble, frankly.

But working through the Get Thin Stay Thin book (what used to be Thin Again and Silent Hunger), I realize it IS true. The messages communicated to me growing up were that I was a mistake, a bother, a lot of trouble and unwanted. Somehow, I have taken a hold of that and turned it into a definition of my value or worth now…and if I have little value or worth, I definitely don’t deserve a happy life…or a rich, blessed life…a joy-filled life and anything “good.”

As a result, I have been desperately trying to sabotage all that God has been trying to work in me and through me. I lost the weight that I did probably by sheer determination–a “Just Do It” mentality–but I have been battling keeping the weight off, sabotaging everything…so now God is showing me the truth behind the following words in the Get Thin Stay Thin book:

God calls us, through the most basic function of our daily life, to look deeply into ourselves, to look beyond a simple change in our size or outer appearance: He wants to transform us from the inside out for eternity. GTST, p. 117.

This is about so much more than losing weight and keeping it off!

There is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). God sent His son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).

But I keep condemning myself!

If we believe at all that we aren’t *worthy* of having a healthy physical body, or of enjoying being thin or something related..we may very well continue to sabotage our own efforts.

For me this comes back to allowing the Lord to renew my mind with HIS truth. Replacing those lies I embrace with HIS truth. Rejecting my old unworkable beliefs. He says I am worth dying for. Certainly HE defines my worth as being that beyond anything I could fathom given the price he paid to redeem me…It is stunning to consider.

I am working on changing what I believe as I know that beliefs affect my actions…the very actions that I don’t understand about myself…derailing my efforts to honor God with my eating and drinking. To grab at the counterfeits when I know they are impostors masquerading as satisfaction.

Lord, please help us to embrace truth about our value and worth in your sight. I pray that we might reject the lies of the enemy that keep us wallowing in a place from which you have set us free. We think we don’t deserve to leave our prison cells. So, even though the chains have fallen and the doors are open, we stay in our cells, frittering away our lives, beating ourselves up, convinced we deserve that or less. Oh, Lord, we must reject these things. Help us to allow you to lift our eyes…to see the doors are wide open, you have set us, the captives, free! You have chosen to attribute to us Christ’s righteousness. We aren’t just forgiven. We have been given the righteousness of Christ. Because of your declaration and all you have accomplished, we “deserve” all the blessings that go along with the inheritance of your precious son! Oh, what a great amazing gift this is! May we walk in the splendor of the calling we have received! May we reject lies and embrace YOUR truth…step into the freedom you have for us. Help us to believe the truth, Lord. In the Name of Jesus and for His Sake, Amen.

Using my “New” Chart…

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 17, 2009 | Blog

I wanted to share how I have been using this chart. The first example is Sunday’s chart.

Date: Sunday 02-15-09

The following is Monday’s chart:

I had more success keeping my eating between 0 and 5, but notice that I included POSITIVE “observations” as well. I wanted to recognize and share with my accountability partner some of the *good* choices that I made…

Anyhow, again, I hope this helps. We really do need to give credit to the Lord for the many ways he is working inside of us. Each time I say no to the flesh and deny myself, I am investing a bit more in what HE desires for me for all of eternity. The cool thing is, with God’s economy, when I “slip up” or “mess up,” it doesn’t negate all of the moments that I have made good choices. Not at all. Thinking that a “slip up” ruins the day is a vestige of my dieting days. The truth is, any time I capture this moment, this choice for the Lord, he makes it count as an investment in something much greater! THIS MOMENT MATTERS! 🙂

Grace Not Legalism Part 7

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 6, 2009 | Blog

Hunger vs. appetite. What are the differences and why does it matter? 🙂 This is a discussion included in the final pages of chapter three of Get Thin Stay Thin.

As the grave clothes are peeled away, you will more easily be able to recognize the difference between [hunger and appetite]. Hunger is a sensation in the body caused by the need for food. Appetite is a habitual desire for some gratification, either of the body or the mind, that has nothing to do with true physiological hunger. Our hunger can be satisfied; our appetite is insatiable. Hunger looks to food to satisfy an appropriate physical need; appetite looks to food to satisfy emotional needs. GTST, p. 71-72

What is it that motivates me to eat in any given moment? Is it hunger–a true physiological need of my body for fuel? Or is it something else–my appetite?

I seem to have a pattern of giving in to eating outside of godly parameters during the later part of the day. I have been evaluating why. I awaken between 4:30 and 5:00 am. I spend time with the Lord in a nice, leisurely quiet time. Often, I may get hungry during this time, but I don’t feel the need to rush to food–even to satisfy physical hunger. It doesn’t bother me to be hungry during this time of the morning. I usually eat by 7:30 am or so…unrushed, feeling quiet and satisfied in my spirit and body.

I typically eat again sometime between 10:30 and noon applying the Keys we have discussed in the past week. So far so good.

Almost daily, however, by 2pm or so things get really fuzzy or even downright rebellious. If not that early, then by dinner time or later. Not every day, but consistently enough to be a pattern.

What is up with this? Why the pattern?

I think it may be related to the performance trap I am constantly sucked into.

You see, first thing in the morning, I am totally aware of God’s grace. Not only that, but I am supposed to be having my quiet time in the morning. There isn’t any sense that I am not doing what I am “supposed” to be doing. I am being a “good girl.” :-/

By mid-afternoon, I have a sense that I am not ok. I haven’t been doing what I am supposed to have been doing. Or, I haven’t been doing it well enough. I tend to want to run from this feeling and do so in a variety of ways…when it isn’t nice enough weather for me to ride the horses, I may plunge myself into the internet…trying to find something to be busy doing well online. It might be designing graphics for a client in my website design business, or pretending to…or it might be going to the Thin Within forums blogging or going to others’ blogs to try to be “Super Duper Thin Within Woman” to try to encourage people and feign that I have all the answers. :-/

You see, with a sense of failure, comes self-condemnation. For me, self-condemnation “triggers” eating, too. So if other things fail to distract or numb me from the “pain” of my failures and self-condemnation that arises as the day goes on, I may resort to eating that rides along the edge of yet more “failure.” In other words, my resolve found early in the day when I had a fresh slate and no sense of failure, erodes. By the end of the day, I end up reporting to my accountability partner and discover, again, I have followed a pattern of “stellar” eating up until mid-afternoon but have bellied up before the day is done.

God is calling me to disrupt this pattern. Obviously, the best place to disrupt it, is at its heart…this sense of performance and failure to perform adequately and the subsequent self-condemnation–the appetite that I have to be “acceptable” and the lie I believe that I am not.

I am going through the book and workbook The Search for Significance and highly recommend these. They dovetail beautifully with the Get Thin Stay Thin book. I figure that the Lord really desires that I get this. He wants me to understand that I have been caught in this performance mentality for far too long. It sets off condemnation and guilt that triggers numbing out behaviors. The Lord wants me free from this!

Can you identify with this cycle, too? Do you begin the day well and by mid-afternoon or after the kids go to bed at night find yourself face-first in a bag of Oreos? Or immersed in something that you know isn’t God’s best for you in an attempt not to feel pain of some sort?

Let’s look straight into our “failures” and disappointments today. Obviously, many of us have an appetite for approval, to feel good about ourselves…and when that appetite for approval hangs empty like an unanswered question, not satisfied (and does it ever really get quelled?), we turn to other things to either stuff a counterfeit into that hole or to subdue the pain of the emptiness.

Today, I think I will try a couple of things differently. I will plan to be still before I eat after 2pm today. I may journal, pray, sing praises to God…or just sit in His presence and bask in His unconditional approval granted through Christ on the cross. I will enjoy 5 minutes (or more) of delaying eating so I can be still and know that He is God. The very thing that seems to satisfy my soul in the wee hours of the morning, enabling me to not rush to eat even when physiologically hungry…because I would rather not disrupt my quiet time with Him…I will try a bit of time with Him before I eat. (The Keys to Conscious Eating, when applied, were designed to foster this, in fact!)

I also want to DEAL with the things that cause me to gravitate toward food (or the internet)…and that means dealing with my sense of failure. I want to ask the Lord how HE would have me use my day…what HE wants of me. There may be (there is) some sin in my life about not using my time in a way that the Lord wants me to. While I know that I have HIS approval in Christ and I can’t convince Him by my performance to love me, I also know that He has a will for my time. I want to do AND be that to which he calls. If I prayerfully evaluate how I use my time and rest in HIS perfect 100% approval of me in Christ, perhaps I can allow Him to cut out the cancer that causes me to reach for the band-aids by mid-afternoon.

Lord, please hear my heart. I pray that you will lead me today. Each moment, Lord…I want to live each one as an offering to you. I want my heart to be convinced of your perfect approval given to me in Christ. I thank you for this grace. Lord, let me be aware of your presence and your love this day. Keep me from trying to impress you, Lord…or from a sense that I have disappointed you. Thank you that you are doing a new thing in me this day. I sense it. Thank you for the hope I have in You. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.

Practical challenge: Apply the Keys To Conscious Eating or the Principles for Weight Mastery (same 8 principles).

Let me know how YOU are doing! I am praying for you! 🙂

Key #1 Questions, Comments, Challenges, Joys, Victories

by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 28, 2009 | Blog

Yesterday, some of you joined me in refocusing on the basics of Key to Conscious Eating #1 -to eat only when my body is hungry. We wait for physical hunger again before eating each time.

Let’s keep that up today. I found myself so refreshed to make life that simple again. Easy…no. Simple yes! (I sound like a broken record!)

In the comments section, you can join us if you like. I am praying for anyone who wants to do this, in fact. God knows who is with us!

I know that some of you may be brand new to waiting for hunger before eating, so I don’t want to go on too quickly to the next Key to Conscious Eating. In fact, I feel like I am learning to walk all over again! It is very much like being a child…depending on our heavenly Abba to show us what HE has in mind for us!

As we go through all the 8 keys to conscious eating, they will be cumulative…meaning we will add the second key to our focus on the first. So let’s stay focused on this key alone for another day and see if we can get some things ironed out. I want to learn to walk again before I try to run! You know what I mean? 🙂

What kinds of things surface for you as you wait for 0? Do you find yourself obsessing? “Am I hungry? Is this it? Or should I wait longer? No, this has to be it. I am sure I am hungry…aren’t I?”

Ultimately we do want to be free from obsessing, but it isn’t uncommon at first to feel obsessed…or even for this to happen when we return to waiting for hunger for the first time in a long time.

I believe that prayer is the best antidote to obsession. If I turn my obsessive thoughts into prayers to the Lord, then what could have been something detrimental to my spirit and emotions, actually turns into a dependence on Him…and he loves it when I need him.

“Lord, is this what physical hunger feels like? Please give me your peace to experience it the way you have ordained. I know that you have made my body reliable and I have often eaten before I needed fuel. I want to learn again from you what my body will feel like when it is time to eat.”

Some of us may feel resentful when we aren’t hungry yet, but WANT to eat. I have found the best way to handle this is gratitude! With an act of my will, I can give thanks for all the blessings I can think of. Even when I don’t feel thankFULL. I do this either in my online gratitude blog or in a journal I have just for that purpose…or I can do it out loud as a praise and prayer to God. When I start praising God for His character and His provisions, something changes in me. I begin to become more humble and waiting for Him and His clear hunger signal in my body doesn’t bug me quite so much. I seem to move away from the attitude of “MY food,” “MY body,” MY MY MY and am transformed just a bit more towards a humble servant waiting for her good master. You might want to try that if you are like me at all and waiting for a 0 seems to chafe you, too.

Another thing we can do when we aren’t sure if we are hungry yet is to journal. I prefer to journal my thoughts as prayers to God as journaling to myself seems sort of empty. When I do this, I sometimes discover that I merely want the food as opposed to need it. One good test of this is if you have something in your mind that you will eat when you are at a 0, imagine if you didn’t have that something or other. If the house was devoid of oreos, freshly made snickerdoodles, or leftover mexican food…would I struggle with wondering if I was hungry right now? Sometimes this comes out when I journal. The truth is the presence of a food I like makes me want to be hungry, so I interpret anything in my stomach as hunger!

I can sometimes quell the tide of this “false hunger” by reminding myself I don’t need it now as I can have it and enjoy it all the more when I finally am hungry! The coveted food isn’t going anywhere! (Assuming you don’t have a teenager in the house who will devour everything edible. You may need to talk with them about it ahead of time!)

In my journal, it isn’t uncommon for me to write something like this: “Lord help me not to covet the feeling of hunger so I can eat. Help me to learn to wait on you…to busy myself with other things and to allow hunger to just sort of happen. Each time I think about hunger when I am not there yet, help me to remember people I can pray for or a scripture that I can recite or a praise song I can sing. Use my formerly obsessive thoughts about food to create one Holy Obsession in me Lord–YOU!”

What are some things you can busy yourself with while you try to forget that you are waiting to be hungry before you eat? 🙂

Sometimes our constant thought about food is a result of being thirsty. Try to drink some cool, fresh, water when you wonder…yesterday, I found that happened to me. I was really surprised!

Another thing I did yesterday….I knew that at 10am I was meeting my accountability partner and dear friend at a new coffee shop in town. I am not a coffee drinker, but I like hot chocolate. I knew I was going to want some of that. I wasn’t hungry for breakfast until 9am, though! I couldn’t wait any longer and I knew my normal breakfast was going to sustain me way longer than an hour. So I literally had three bites of my normal breakfast…just enough to take the edge off my hunger. At 10am I still wasn’t at a 0 again to have the hot chocolate! So I had some water. By 11am, I was hungry and ordered my hot chocolate. (I find their hot chocolate is like a mini-meal…it really fills me up I think because of the full-fat milk and whipped cream they use when making it.)

This worked out well for me as I was able to enjoy time with my friend, my hot chocolate *and* not need to eat again until 1pm! Planning a bit is important sometimes!

So what questions, comments, challenges, joys, victories did you experience yesterday…or today…as you resolved to wait until you were hungry before eating? Have you sensed the presence of God? Feel free to use the comments section to share. I read every one and am praying for us! Let’s pray for one another. We can do this thing!

Isn’t it cool how God uses something so mundane as eating to make us more aware of His presence?