by Heidi Bylsma | Jun 2, 2008 | Uncategorized
I am going to date myself. Do you remember the song from the 70s, sung by Roberta Flack, “Killing Me Softly?”
Have you ever felt like someone has been reading your journals and is talking to YOU or, worse — others— about what is there? Or that someone knows even the unspoken, unwritten…maybe unspeakable things in your heart…is bringing them to the surface…exposing you?
That is how I felt last weekend when I spent some time watching video Session Two of Stepping Up by Beth Moore.
Beth was in my home via my laptop and Windows Media Center. The morning was quiet – sunlight flooding my bedroom through the tree-framed, glass door. My golden retriever (psycho) dog was earnestly standing guard to prevent the reflections and shadows from causing any harm. All normal things, on normal mornings…
As Beth drew me in to the video session focusing on the Feast of Unleavened Bread and its applicability to my life, rather than Don McLean (who “Killing Me Softly” was written about), it was the Lord who was “strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with His song…”
“Hidden Hypocrisy…”
How did she know? How did Beth know that, like the symbolic gesture of holding back a little bit of “dough from a former baking,” I, too, had been holding something back, not ridding myself of ALL the yeast in my life. Like the fermented dough “hidden” in the flour, this tiny little bit seemed so harmless…but it had been working its way through everything, affecting all of it…
From the human, worldly perspective, from all outward appearances, I, Heidi Bylsma, have been a “Thin Within Success Story.” (Can you hear the tooting of the proverbial horns!?) In fact, my “success” has been proclaimed from the rooftops — literally, even in a national magazine. With more on tap this summer…
Mud on my face!
FIRST magazine ran a feature last December.
To add to my chagrin (the timing is oh-so-interesting), the July/August issue of Health magazine will include an article on “Mindful Eating,” including possibly a paragraph about my testimony with Thin Within. Quick and Simple’s August issue may have a feature on yours truly…(unless the Lord says otherwise, and He may…) Announcing yet again, “Here I am world!” “Look at me!” “God has done a new thing in me!” (More tooting of those horns…the head getting ever larger…)
Yet here I sit as I type this entry, wearing my “skinny jeans,” wondering if these well-worn, well-used, Levi 550s have *shrunk* some more (hmmm….no, I don’t imagine so after being washed at least 100 times!). Yes, they feel uncomfortably snug around the waist. :-/ But worse, there is a knowing that:
I am not as I claim.
Hidden Hypocrisy….
When did I let it become all about the outside—even while claiming it was about so much more? When did it stop being about GOD and being about ME?
I was challenged in my Beth Moore Stepping Up lesson yesterday, too. Have I begun to trust more in God’s blessings than in God himself?
Exposed again.
The “package” may look so different than it did in 2006, but the lusts are still there! (Or are there — again!) I may not indulge them as often as I used to, but in so many ways the “inner me” feels like it is still in need of being transformed by the renewing of my mind. I guess it does. *I* do.
Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me…
The out-of-the-blue realization that I am blatantly something other than what I intentionally lead people to believe followed an email exchange with a dear friend…where I claimed (again) to live with integrity. I alleged that I would never do something hidden. I claimed to be authentic, genuine, what-you-see-is-what-you-get. “And durn proud of it, too…” (Toot toot toot…)
Hidden Hypocrisy…
If these things are true, then why, when Beth began to speak about “hidden hypocrisy,” did I feel so exposed? Why did I want to hide? (Hmm…a pattern emerges.)
Would I really want anyone who reads this blog, or my church friends, or my family to know me? What I am thinking? What I am…eating? Would I want any of those who “admire” me, “respect” me, who feel I am an “inspiration,” to see that the scale has nudged up in recent weeks? To know about the vacancy of my prayer life?
Hidden Hypocrisy…
And what is with ME ME ME making a You Tube video talking about the three phases of Thin Within and speaking about “discernment” and “mastery” — phase 2 and phase 3 — when I live SOLIDLY in phase 1…not just some of the time, but most of the time…without any desire to even let God change me? “God will remake your tastebuds!” Well, good grief. I sure can preach it, but there it is again…faith is seen in what I DO and what I DO says I do NOT believe what I said!
Hidden Hypocrisy…
I *have* experienced phase 2 and a bit of 3 before…and yes, I spend *some* time there now, but so often it is still my taste buds that determine what I will eat. How can I dare to speak about not being stuck? How can I encourage others when I am such a hypocrite? :-/
In fact, when it comes to my eating and drinking, I have SHUT off God’s voice of late. After a year and a half of eating “this way,” I know I can have thus and so for breakfast, this and that for lunch, and about this much of this-other-stuff for other eating occasions throughout the day, thank you very much, and still “hover” around the same weight. I have created the “Heidi Diet!” There is NO walking with the Spirit. There is NO praying. There is NO discernment. What there IS is a tuning OUT of God! What is UP with that? :-/ Pride, pride, and more pride.
I confess these things here, now, loudly. Frankly, I don’t want to put this blog entry out there…because with the coming of this realization, an old, but familiar companion has returned as well…shame. I remember well that shame breeds more shameful behavior if left unchecked. Like the blackberry brambles in my backyard, I must wage an all out assault against shame and not allow even a fragment of it to remain.
Knowing that, I reject the old way of secrecy and wallowing in shame. (Proof that God is doing a new thing! Praise YOU LORD!)
I know that shame is evidence of the enemy prowling. Like footprints on a dusty floor…footprints on the unkempt floor of my life, footprints of the enemy who is sneaking around accusing, scheming a way to devour me. I refuse to let him make any mark on my life. That is why this confession is public. I believe that in order to BE RID of this yeast, this old, fermented dough, I must choose to allow the exposing to be public, too, just as all my other claims have been public. I wish FIRST would splash this across their double page insert…:-(
Well…er…maybe not.
God, in his tenderness, chose to expose the truth in my life quietly. He is gentle that way (well, often times). He has, however, called to me to step into the light with it. He covers me — saturates me — with grace. He wraps me in a blanket. He redeems all the years the locusts have eaten. NOTHING is so great, so horrible as to stand between me and the love of God.
In fact, Psalm 3: 3,4 says:
But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah
Yes, Lord. You are my shield. You bestow glory. You do not cast shame on me. You lift my head, instead. I cry to you. I thank you that You answer, Lord. I choose to “*selah,” Lord. Amen.
* Selah means pause, rest, or think about it.
** I want my dear blog reading friends to know that the above has been in process since Saturday. I have placed it here, but even so, it is an “observation.” The “correction” has begun as well. I now have a daily accountability partner. This is vital for me at this time. I celebrate that the Lord continues to do a NEW new thing! 🙂
by Heidi Bylsma | Apr 16, 2008 | Blog
Tomorrow, my family and I leave for 8 days.
Have I ever confessed how I feel about traveling? I hate traveling. I am a homebody! I love being home. In fact, my husband and kids can have a great time without me and I delight in the alone time at home. Sounds sad, doesn’t it?
But God has put it in my heart to actually look forward to this now. My kids–Michaela 13 and Daniel 15–their wonderful Dad and I are heading to the east coast. We live in California, so this isn’t just around the corner. This will be the biggest trip we have ever taken…the farthest, the most “hopping around.” We are going to Washington D.C., Virginia (Richmond and Williamsburg), Maryland to see the Chincoteague “wild” horses, Philadephia to see the Liberty Bell and things like that, and Lancaster County to enjoy the Amish folks and some railroad stuff the boys want to see.
This is a LOT of traveling! YIKES!
I noticed the last two times i have been on a trip that my “Flesh Machinery” would kick in that said “I am on vacation from eating 0 to 5, too!”
So, I am starting this trip planning on having a godly boundary IN TACT. I will remain committed to 0 to 5 except in those instances where the Lord shows me I need to release that to him. I know that happens at times. He has shown me that I can turn 0 to 5 into a law. Like if we have a layover and this is the only chance to eat…well, I will ask the Lord if he wants me to wait or eat with the family. I know that I can go a lot longer without food than in the past…I am not terrified of being hungry any more. But I also know it is OK if He leads me to eat with my family to do so in moderation.
So, I am taking my hunger graphs with me. I have a pocket sized one I can fit in my wallet too. Perfect for keeping honest while I am gone. I may commit to my live Thin Within group tonight that I will SHOW them my hunger graphs from the trip when I return…for added accountability! EEEK!
So, boundaries will be traveling with me. I will focus on drinking a lot of water, as the when I returned from Tulsa, I had bloated a LOT. About 10 pounds worth of bloating! Fortunately, it wasn’t fat weight, but was true water retention. So I know that traveling can do that to me.
Well, that is all the rambling for now. Please pray for us. My son is stressing. He is fearful…and is somewhat claustrophobic…well…a lot, I guess.
Thanks so much!
by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 17, 2008 | Blog
I am sort of logging my activity/exercise at the Thin Within forums in the exercise accountability forum (in the journals section).
My primary goal is to honor the Lord in my heart and to love Him with my heart, soul, mind and strength…not to allow exercise, my body or ANYthing to become the focus–except for the LORD. This is a challenge for me given my dieting/exercise compulsion history.
Some may wonder what I do for activity…did I lose 100 pounds with a regimented exercise program? Is that how I keep it off? NO NO NO! LOL! I just ate when I was hungry and stopped when I wasn’t. (I keep doing this to keep the weight off…) I even continued to eat crazy things like cinnamon sticky buns with extra icing and hot fudge sundaes…It is true! I won’t eat them unless I am hungry, though…same as other food!
Anyhow, here is my “exercise” for this week!
Sun – none – other than typical pony keeping chorese
Mon –
* Trimmed 8 pony feet (this is rigorous and very challenging!) – 1 hour
* Moved 3 bales of hay (100 pounds each) and cleaned out the hay shed… 1 hour
* Spread hay 3x across the hillside forest for the ponies’ breakfast, lunch and dinner 3 x 10 minutes
Tues –
* Trimmed 4 more pony feet – 30 minutes
* Worked with my son and Dodger – 10 minutes of walking (followed by sitting and watching how well they did together without me! )
* Two hour ride on The Harlinator (my horse)…this was a ride of a lifetime…absolutely phenomenal….very active…Not at all “sitting” like some people imagine horseback riding! LOL!
Weds –
* 1 hour ride on The Harlinator…he made me work REALLY hard…stinker pot.
Thurs –
* None other than “typical” pony chores – though I did help an acquaintance with saddling stuff…saddling and resaddling horses, getting on and off..not much, but a bit.
My pony chores are a bit extreme. One of these days I simply MUST do a part 2 of the Busy Horsewoman’s Workout video series! LOL! I did have 8 TONS of gravel delivered. I should be moving it with a wheelbarrow and shovel this weekend…so…that will be my exercise for Saturday!
Fri –
* 1 hour ride on Breezy and his friend, Pete the Percheron (for only a few minutes…). Walked for part of this to be with my friend. Pete the Percheron was NOT into the experience and had to be gently coaxed along…LOL!
Sat –
* 2 hour ride on The Harlinator….and boy, did HE MAKE ME WORK HARD!!!!! That turkey was a piece of work today!!!!!!! I realize that God has “wired” him to be a herd boss…and I realize that he was also a stallion for the first 12 years of his life…and I realize that he has some genetic predisposition for FLIGHT…but GOOD GRIEF!!!!!! I was actually thinking as we headed the last half mile back that maybe I DO need to sell him (or pay someone to take him). I adore this horse, but it feels like a TOXIC relationship and it is only a matter of time before I get hurt…and BADLY. After the ride, we got home and I turned him out. He hung out close to me and I scratched him…and he stayed close. I gathered he didn’t hold against me how “firm” I had to be with him out there….Then I went to the outside of the rail fence and just leaned on it with my husband as we watched our two horses….they rolled and shook, grunted, groaned, wagged their weanies in the wind, had a discussion over the water trough about whether Breezy would have the “honor” of drinking at the same time as Harley, His Royal Highness….Then, surprise of all surprises. From across the corral, Harley turned…looked at us….came over…nuzzled us…and gave me a big wet smooch right on the mouth…GOOD GRIEF!!!! DO YOU SEE WHY I KEEP THIS BIG MANIAC AROUND???? Horses aren’t supposed to BE like this! I am nuts. Someone PLEASE pray for my healing!
* 1 hour of shoveling gravel…I will be sore tomorrow!!!
====
There you have it…my “exercise” program for this past week!
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 25, 2008 | Uncategorized
Hmm…I have been SO focused on FOOD in my mind today. WHAT IS UP WITH THAT? I know I am tired. I know that I am more vulnerable when I am tired. But this is crazy.
So tonight, when hubby brought home fresh french bread and I hadn’t eaten dinner, but only “shaved my hunger a bit” with a few almonds, I had a bunch of it with real butter. I chased that with some ice cream with graham crackers and Hershey’s syrup. I couldn’t believe it, but I wasn’t past a 5 even ten minutes later, but I know the truth….It was rebellious eating. My heart wasn’t right. I should have fasted my hunger (or almost hunger) until my heart was in a different place.
All day I thought about food…a LOT…more than EVER in a long while. So, I asked myself what my accountability partner will probably ask me if, in spite of the way my hunger graph reads for today, I ‘fess up and tell her about my struggle with my thoughts and attitude:
“Who do you need to forgive?”
Hmm…I couldn’t think of anyone.
And then there it was. THIS is who I need to forgive:
This sounds pretty pathetic, but the “person” I need to forgive is Harley–the horse in the photograph. Today I had a lesson with my trainer and Harley (and my trainer’s horse, Amadeus). It was really challenging for me. I was anxious before getting there and had to acknowledge my fears.
For five years, I have tried to be something I am not for Harley or to make him be something he is not for me. I think I am only now beginning to realize this. God uses my horses to teach me a lot…and now, tonight, I wonder if the pain of yet another lesson is coming to fruition…I could be on the verge of changing a lot myself (not necessarily a bad thing if it is from the Lord)–in a way which would affect my relationships with people–I believe I can’t separate out who I am with my horses from who I am with people and with God. 
So…right now, I may be either on the verge of “becoming,” which, as “romanticized” a notion as it is is verrry frightening to me, or I must let Harley go to a new home. Most who have never been owned by a horse would think that should be no big deal. Well, I have to tell you…long story short…that neither option feels very good. In fact, either option throws me into an emotional bout with insecurity.
While I “should” be praising God for the blessing of having horses at all, let alone four!!! I am fussing about “becoming”…good grief. The truth is, the way I am isn’t satisfactory. I have to change to experience that for which I have longed. In a way, it touches on my…well…inadequacy…again.
And here it boils down…releasing my unmet needs, my disappointments, my failures, my unmet expectations, even my so-called “rights,” means letting go of a dream (or 10). Does God want me to cling to Harley and what we almost experienced together last summer? If I continue with him it will mean always wondering if we will be safe. It will mean never letting down my guard, but always being ready for filling in to give him what he needs assuming I am even capable of that. It will mean my confidence will be shaken time and again, as it has been these past 5 years, and each time I will try to “pull myself together” to offer again, leadership with calm confidence…yeah, right!
As with all horses, Harley is a prey animal and his instincts are all about flee now and ask questions later. Apart from him developing a tremendous amount of trust in my “leadership,” we will always be riding the wave, ready to crash land. Something I haven’t been able to offer him in all the time we have been together is trusthWORTHY leadership. The fact I have never had a bad accident with Harley is a blessing…but one I am not sure I want to presume upon.
So, why my obsessive thoughts with food today and why the rebellious eating? Well, boiling it down, it appears that I am, again, disappointed with God. After all, I have gone to him every step of the way about this. When we bought Harley…well, I better not “go there” in this blog entry, but let’s just say, from the very beginning…this has been something prayed over and decided and yet so many things have “gone wrong.” Or maybe they have gone according to God’s plan and His ways are not my ways.
Then, too, It could be that Harley just still reminds me of Daniel as he did when Daniel was going through the first stages of puberty…and that is the most difficult thing I have to accept in my life–that God makes some people autistic and God makes some autistic children with mothers who aren’t equipped…who were never nurtured properly themselves…and, well…
It is all connected for me in some really warped package. It is warped and add to that the fact that the very thing which God intended that I receive with thanksgiving, I treat as a “curse” of sorts. He wants me to welcome the trials, the testing, the learning…as opportunity for growth to be Christ-like. Does that mean I welcome Harley and what he challenges me to “become?” Can I give up the cuddly but potentially volatile relationship I have with him in exchange for a no-nonsense business partnership that says, “This is what we are going to do and that is the way it is?” He needs me to be confident and, while he loves to be scratched and is quite solicitous, interprets my doting all over him as weakness. I don’t know why, but he does. Can I offer boundaries and leadership? Solid, reliable leadership? Fair, consistent, calm, confident leadership? Boundaries? When all I really want is to bury my head in his mane, drink in his scent, throw my leg over him bareback and canter (heck, a walk would be fine) across the field? I don’t need him to be perfect. I don’t need him winning ribbons running barrels or working cattle. I don’t even need him to *do* that *much*. Just cart my sorry bum around a few days a week and be relatively ok and calm as we go.
See? Even as I write that, I realize how like my unverbalized thoughts about my son this is…Daniel needs to be accepted for who God has made him to be, just as Harley does. Daniel needs me to provide him with calm, consistent, confident and fair leadership. He needs me to not love the cuddles and giggles more than the gift of providing clear concise boundaries so he knows the standards all the time. Sure, in Harley’s case I can send him packing to a new home…but then am I allowing myself to grow and mature the way God wants me to? And what if becoming what I need to for Harley would make me a better Mom for Daniel (and Michaela too for that matter)?
No wonder this has been a day consumed with thoughts of food and then this evening’s massive inhalation of french bread and dessert…it touches on the deepest places in my heart, where I feel failure the most keenly (in my parenting).
To add to my chagrin (the timing is oh-so-interesting), the July/August issue of Health magazine will include an article on “Mindful Eating,” including possibly a paragraph about my testimony with Thin Within. Quick and Simple’s August issue may have a feature on yours truly…(unless the Lord says otherwise, and He may…) Announcing yet again, “Here I am world!” “Look at me!” “God has done a new thing in me!” (More tooting of those horns…the head getting ever larger…)
God, in his tenderness, chose to expose the truth in my life quietly. He is gentle that way (well, often times). He has, however, called to me to step into the light with it. He covers me — saturates me — with grace. He wraps me in a blanket. He redeems all the years the locusts have eaten. NOTHING is so great, so horrible as to stand between me and the love of God.
