by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 18, 2007 | Blog
God never ceases to amaze me. What an incredible privilege. After hoping and praying (on and off) for SEVEN years (!!!) that I could be involved with women face-to-face (not only online) to walk through the Thin Within material, that is now happening! I am so thrilled!
Monday morning I had the joy of having my first meeting with a lady at my church who wants support going through the Thin Within book. I SO enjoyed her company and I delight that God has provided her in *my* life to offer added accountability and prayer support as well. We are using the little study guide that Pam Sneed and I put together some years back and that the Thin Within Company (thinwithin.org) now has available for the cost of printing. I already am really enjoying being a participant again! 🙂
Today, I read the introduction material in the book and the first day’s worth…the first chapter. Boy…it is soooo weird to be in this place…instead of starting reading trying not to be afraid to hope, I am at a weight I never dreamed of being…God has done so much in my physical body…I know that it has been him. (There is so much work yet to be done in my heart, though…it almost seems like it isn’t right…) I have been applying the principles of Thin Within pretty faithfully (generally) for 10 months now and released 80 pounds or so (a few more fell off while at horse camp…go figure…I am not convinced they will stay off…).
Today, I journaled as I read the first chapter of the book again and these thoughts came to my mind and heart:
I know my heart is still (again?) not fully surrendered. I have changed what I *demand* certainly. What I declare ever-so-subtly as “my rights” may not be quite the quantity they once were…but I still have a defective–no, let’s call it what it is…a SINFUL–heart attitude! It needs to be submitted to the Lord!
I see that I have wandered consistently from applying the Keys to Conscious Eating. While I am not restricted to a series of laws…the keys are helpful. I want to recommit to eating only when I am truly physiologically hungry. It is like I know what I can get away with to stay at this weight now…but what if God wants to remove more weight from me? Of course, the weight isn’t the point…I KNOW that he doesn’t want me to cling to the things I cling to (Oreos, for starters). I should cling only to him!!! But it is like I know what I can get away with and so I keep sneaking or something…
Another Key I need to apply is to eat more slowly…boy, I can still inhale food and when it is less food than it used to be, it is gone in nothing flat! I also need to savor each bite. I need to pay more attention to the food. This morning, I actually read EMAIL while eating! Good grief! I wonder if I have been doing that for long? When I was done, I realized I hadn’t given Daisy (my dog) the bites I usually do…and that meant I hadn’t been mentally present for my breakfast!
As I think ahead to leading the Thin Within class starting October 3, some things have really struck me. A big focus of Thin Within is to encourage the participant: 1.) To no longer be anxious about food or SELF and 2.) to learn to trust the body God has designed…that it is reliable for telling us when and what we need to eat and when to stop.
It occurred to me that these two things may seem pretty near impossible for some participants to imagine! It is really something to be looking at this material from a completely different place…I am so thankful that God has a wonderful way of making all things new…He is doing a new thing yet again…wow. Thank you Lord.
Lord, I desire to really be surrendered. Please do your work in me. In Christ Jesus’ Name, Amen.
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 16, 2007 | Blog
Goodness! What is God up to? (Why doesn’t blogger have smiley faces? LOL!)
October 3rd begins my first real live LIVE group! I will be leading a live group for women at my home church. I am excited and nervous! On Monday (day after tomorrow) I will begin meeting with a lady who will be in accountability with me…she will help pray me through leading this group. I am very excited and I hope she grows through the experience and experiences goals of becoming healthier too. I SO need support.
This week, I was gone ALL week at bible horsemanship camp. It was quite an intense week. WONDERFUL, but they schedule everything. While I wasn’t totally on their program (I took my own breakfast foods and foods I could eat if hungry), the lunch and dinners were so amazing…I hadn’t eaten that richly in a long while. I am paying for it today with a stomach in upheaval! I hadn’t realized just how much my palate had changed! WOW! Tomorrow I will weigh and see if there was any damage…I know the truth without weighing…I didn’t submit completely to the Lord. Some, yes, but I went back for another bit of home made cheesecake last night (oh my word, was that yummy and I think it is what pushed me over the edge with my tum tum at 3:30am when I was whining in the outhouse, shivering my socks off! LOL!…sorry…too much info, I bet! LOL!)…anyhow, that little tidbit of cheesecake isn’t the problem, but the attitude of pride is…that says I can do what I want and get away with it…that was with me a bit more than I would like to admit this week.
I munched on granola and almonds when I was hungry, but there were times when I had to really stop and evaluate…AM I hungry? Or am I just wanting to CRUNCH?
:-/
Well, here is to regaining my focus right now!
Lord, I reject the toe-hold that the enemy is attempting to get in my life. I know his plans for me ARE for Harm…to hurt me, to warp my mind, to thrash me, to give me a terrible “future,” one burdened and with NO hope. But you have set me free from that! Shall I return to slavery! NO WAY! Thank you, Lord, that your grace is enough for me! In the precious Name of Jesus, AMEN!
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 29, 2007 | Blog
Hi, dear Reader. If you are anything like me, you have found that following eating 0-5 (between hunger and satisfaction) isn’t always “easy.” Sure, there may be a honeymoon period of sorts…but then reality sets in.
The question popped into my head to ask directly…”What is really holding you back? What is *really* holding you back?”
This question is for anyone who may visit this blog who continues to “struggle” with responding to the Lord’s prompts to not eat yet or to stop eating or…well, any prompt from God to do or not do anything at all.
For years, I “played” at this. Pathetic really, given all God did to surround me with the most amazing support system. How many people have Judy Halliday as their accountability partner? God knew I was such a hard case that I needed that sort of accountability.
Well, I was tougher even than that….It has been years….years and years of mechanically doing the 0 to 5 thing on and off…releasing the weight only to grab a hold of it again…and always always…there was something REALLY holding me back.
The more I did this, it was like the harder my heart became.
Truth is, I was meant to fly on wings of eagles. I was meant to soar. I was never meant to stay in captivity…be it in a chicken coop, a cage, or a self-imposed prison of fat. I was meant to FLY free! God created me for it! (And YOU TOO, Reader! :-))
For me, when someone got in my face and said “What is really holding you back…” I knew it was God asking me that. I couldn’t blame it on much of anything any more…it was ME…I had something going on in ME…and I had to choose. It was that simple. Would I DEAL with it? Or keep shoving it aside…”Later…we will cope with that later….”
God helped that wall be destroyed this past November/December.But even now…I see my temptation to rebuild that wall that was holding me back…Even though God has exposed what I allowed to hold me back…even though he has reached out to me with such amazing compassion…even though he has again told me He has called me to ministry in this area specifically…even though 30 pounds (and counting) have been released and I can sense that freedom…I can taste the sky for the first time….I STILL see I am drawn like a dog to my vomit. It baffles me.
(Please note, I have been thin and fit before, but I was NOT *free*…I don’t care about the weight…I care about the freedom. I just know that the weight will leave as I live in the freedom that Christ purchased with His blood….)
Daily…if not more frequently…I have to allow Him to remind me…that what REALLY holds me back…what He showed me…must be laid down, offered to Him. It hurts…it really does–no, that minimizes it. It is EXCRUCIATING! But I know apart from that letting go, I will never do what I was created to do. Never.
I guess it is like Paul who said “I die daily.” Good grief…it hurts to die, doesn’t it? This isn’t just daily, either….bah…
Even now…in this moment, I can see that the barrier has like the first layer of bricks to it again…I have been rebuilding it. What EVER for?!?!?
I have allowed reconstruction of the barrier to begin again…I must beg God to help me have the strength to tear it down and keep it down.
I want NOTHING to hold me back. I want to run the race with perseverance. I want to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith who, for the joy set before Him (which was fellowship with all of us…we would be set free from sin to be holy in His sight!), endured the CROSS, for goodness sake! HE endured the CROSS! And I whine and moan about enduring so much less….The writer of Hebrews goes on to say “You have not yet suffered to the point of shedding your blood.” Boy, isn’t that the truth. I won’t come close to suffering that much, but I sure whine like I am!
What is really holding you back, Reader? Tough question to answer…at least for me….If I weren’t such a sinful, prideful creature, maybe it wouldn’t be! LOL!
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 2, 2007 | Blog
This is long!
I suppose it is more for me than for anyone to really read! LOL! I hope that saying it here will build in some accountability. I have an accountability partner. I will forward this to her as well.
2006 was a challenging year for me in many ways. I spent most of it wallowing in my sin…Truthfully, I worried myself almost sick about my health, having gained a bunch of weight…That is until a lady who owned a christian horsewomen’s list invited me to join her list and then discovered my involvement with Thin Within in the past (by looking at my websites)…She asked me to lead her group through a study of the TW material! None of them had ever been exposed to Thin Within or any other hunger/satisfied program. It was a wonderful month with those ladies, as they were always discovering new things…just God revealing stuff to them! It was so refreshing and sure was motivating! Our paths had to part all too soon.
God sure used that lady to jumpstart me! 😀
To reinforce what He was planning to do…to make sure I didn’t MISS it (as I am prone to do), the Lord lovingly, but very pointedly asked me what I felt really was the difference between MY family torn apart by MY death due to health complications (due to rebellious, willful obesity and the indulging of MY flesh) and some “normal American” family torn apart by a husband and father’s addiction to pornography and HIS indulgence of HIS flesh. YIKES! That comparison by the Spirit of God really penetrated my hard heart.
So the last 6 weeks of 2006, God removed just over 20 pounds from my body and revealed so many things to me–Wow….He walked with me in intimacy and showed me, once again, that His grace knows no bounds, that His mercies are new every morning…no…every MOMENT. He showed me that pride has GOT TO BE PUT TO DEATH and that it is insidious in my life…and it rears its ugly, self-protecting head at almost every turn! BLEAH!
I came out of 2006 understanding that God is God and I am not– even if my son is autistic, my youngest horse is permanently lame, and my mother is driving me nuts. 🙂 This is progress in a big way. It isn’t measurable by most peoples’ standards, but I shout Hallelujah! God has brought me far! Thank you Lord….I bow before you.
Ladies, I don’t have the freedom like many of you do to graph, chart, log and journal. In 1995 and 1996 I counted everything and logged everything and charted it, too. I did it on paper and on the computer. I put signs on the wall and on the fridge. I counted fat grams, protein grams, carbohydrate grams, made sure they were in a specific proportion for every meal percentage-wise. I graphed my intake and my weight and compared the relationship between the two. (I even graphed that!) I was always looking for new ways of graphing and charting!
I logged strength training repetitions, sets, and weights, fat percentages in my body when hydrostatically weighed. I logged my run miles/locations/type of workouts/races and other carido workouts, making sure I often did two a day to compensate for some of the secrets I tried to keep from myself and my logs. I compared calorie intake with projected calorie expenditure.
I came out of those years thinner and fitter than I had ever been in my entire life…and…more totally chained to food and in bondage to compulsive exercise than ever before, as well. I was obsessed. In my case, I missed the idol I had erected. Although my eating was disordered before, it was WAY disordered by then. Food was still an enemy…I was NOT at peace with my body, even though it was fit! I found a way to control the food…and control my exercise….presto.
When I went to my first Weigh Down meeting in spring of 1997, the ladies there scoffed at my presence there…I was thin…looked pretty good for a mom with two young kids. They didn’t get it…it was my heart. My heart was suffocating with the idol that lived there…and my thoughts, my plans, my family’s life totally revolved around it.
That wasn’t freedom! I was NOT free! I looked it on the outside, but the idol threw back its head and laughed at my presumption!
So……all that to say…I can’t even use the Thin Within graphs and charts. They are too much like the chains of my past. So I don’t. God has asked me not to return to that. Most people probably don’t have a problem like that. I have always been a slow student! LOL! I think it is great that many can journal and graph and log. He has shown me that, for me…and only for me…to do so wouldn’t help His cause in my life. I guess this is my disclaimer! LOL! My goals sound nebulous and UNmeasurable. But God will show me when it works. He certainly did during these past months.
I have to tell you, I have to resist the logs and charts for all I am worth. I found an old “Penguin Brigade” log book that I had never used…saved it…and I put it on my dresser, thinking I would begin to log again. YIKES! I can’t! I still can’t! I can feel the weakness….I am SOOOO tempted!
So….
For 2007, here are my nebulous goals. LOL!
I desire to see myself get to my God-given size and stay there so that by next January, I can be a group leader for TW. If God calls me to it sooner, great. I am willing. But I feel this strong leading right now that after all my practice at unfaithfulness, He would like to give me an opportunity to practice listening to his voice in each moment for a good solid year. 🙂 It has to do with credibility. When we moved up here and started attending a church here, I was humiliated and ashamed when someone approached me and said, “Hey, your name….I have seen your name in a book I have been reading…haven’t I?” They were reading Thin Within and I wanted to hide under the furniture! I felt like I was such a blight on His name and on the good name of Thin Within!….I know that God isn’t about shame…that is why I have shared these things here, but as for leading a TW group at my church…I feel that I must have credibility with the ladies who know me and who might choose to be a part. So that is one goal.
Additionally, I would like to reach my God-given size by May. This is a HUGE God-sized goal. I would like to release another 30 or so pounds…if God says more is needed or less is fine, then I am ok with that. Selfishly, perhaps, my reason for wanting to get there that soon is because I want my horses to carry less weight when things dry out enough to ride them this late spring or early summer. When I am too heavy, I worry about how they feel. Then I get fearful that if they hurt at all when they carry me that they may object (this can result in bucking! LOL!) (To see my tales visit http://rocklinheidi.bravejournal.com) …and I may get hurt! So it all works together to help me be less fearful and them happier about things. Specifically, I want to ride Dodger, my mustang, by late spring early summer. He is built like a small tank, but he is my smallest horse at about 13.3 hands and 800 pounds (he needs to “release” weight, too!).
(Please visit his special video with my autistic son at http://bylsma.spiritofequus.com/vid/dodgerdaniel.wmv They were in the Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover’s Soul Volume 2 and also are featured at the BLM website if you are interested! I am a proud mamma of my two redheads–though the video has footage about 3 years old in it! LOL! And you can see in the video that I needed to release weight even then…and I gained even MORE weight after that!)
Anyhow, Harley will be going to a trainer this spring. I am concerned about being too heavy for him. He is quite athletic, but hasn’t had practice carrying a heavy load since his first training. He has carried me some, but always been troubled about it. I hope that the trainer will prepare him for at least the weight I will be then. I know this all probably sounds silly.
I hope to also be fit enough that my core body strength enables me to be a *good* rider. It requires a lot of a person to be a *good* rider. I only hope to trailride, but I still want to gel with the movement of my horses so they are comfortable (and I will be, as well). This requires fitness. Some folks think that if you ride horses you don’t have to be fit! Well, the horses know the difference! LOL!
Another goal for this year is to fully investigate agility with my new dog. I have to be able to run and move for this. We start our first pre-agility class next week. I have watched handlers with their dogs and those folks do have to sprint around quite a bit. I hope to be able to do that. I would like to go far enough with her to try one competition. This relates to my weight-releasing and fitness goals!
While it isn’t a goal, I am toying with the idea of running a bit, too…For now, I will continue to do my “Dance Praise.” I am having a blast and being edified while getting an awesome workout. I hope to continue to do that 4 or more times each week for an hour or so each time. It is just too much fun!
This time next year (January 1, 2008), I hope to have walked with God more faithfully in 2007 and grown in knowing Him more intimately. I hope to be involved in a ministry again that I know is of God…I recently bailed out of all ministry. I would love it if I could do TW and/or a horsewomen’s biblestudy group. I miss leading a bible study…
Another thing that I really think the Lord wants me to do is to develop three of my friendships. I have three friends in mind and things have gone by the wayside a bit…busy-ness of life. I think, too, my shame caused me to hide out a lot more…hard to get to know folks when you are hiding!
Ok…all from me for now.
Blessed New Year, All!
