by Heidi Bylsma | Jul 27, 2008 | Blog
And a woman was there who had been subject to bleeding for twelve years.
She had suffered a great deal under the care of many doctors
and had spent all she had, yet instead of getting better she grew worse.
When she heard about Jesus,
she came up behind him in the crowd and touched his cloak,
because she thought, “If I just touch his clothes, I will be healed.”
Immediately her bleeding stopped
and she felt in her body that she was freed from her suffering.
At once Jesus realized that power had gone out from him.
He turned around in the crowd and asked, “Who touched my clothes?”
“You see the people crowding against you,” his disciples answered,
“and yet you can ask, ‘Who touched me?’ “
But Jesus kept looking around to see who had done it.
Then the woman, knowing what had happened to her,
came and fell at his feet and, trembling with fear,
told him the whole truth.
He said to her, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.
Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”
– Mark 5:25-34
“God’s way is the way of faith and freedom. When we bring our struggles with food, eating, and weight to him in honest surrender, we can be restored. For this to happen we must allow God to lead us to a place where we are:
- Free to risk–letting go of the past in order to live unencumbered in the present (1 Peter 5:6,7)
- Free to change–being transformed from the inside out by the renewing of our minds (Rom. 12:2)
- Free to trust–trusting God and the way he made us (1 Cor. 6:19)
- Free to love–loving as Christ loves us (John 13:34)
As we act in faith and surrender to this kind of freedom, we will experience a new relationship with God, with ourselves, and with our bodies.”
(Get Thin, Stay Thin page 12 – Formerly Thin Again)
———
This idea of being free to risk has really hit me afresh. We talked about this in our Thin Within online support group chat the other night. If we give our coping mechanisms–if we dare to reach for the hem of Jesus’ robe even while we lay hemorraging in the dust–what if he doesn’t choose to heal? What if he doesn’t choose to change me?
The hemorraging woman in Mark 5 believed that just a touch of Jesus’ robe was all she needed. In that act of faith, I wonder if she got more than what she bargained for–God’s power surged through her in a burst of healing. She had risked everything she had left–all her hope, all her dignity (if she had any left)–to weave through the crowd even though the culture had declared her “unclean” for years. She had tried everything else–and had always come up with dashed hopes. She had to be free to risk…this time the last of her hope as well as everything else. With the last bit of daring she could muster she lurched for the hem of his robe–even through the crowd of people, all who hoped to get closer to him…
As she risked it all, dared to put “all her eggs in this basket,” she experienced transformation. But in order to do that, she had to be willing to risk losing it all…again.
When we come to the Lord with our disordered eating, and choose to change the way we cope with anger, with frustration, and with all our other emotions…when we willingly surrender the way we have turned to food in order to cope, we take a huge risk. How will we cope now?
We begin to see the truth–the truth that sets us free–that our issues with food, eating, weight aren’t about food–not really. It is about something so much deeper and thus, it has the power to hurt so much more profoundly. What IF I hope and am disappointed? What if I am left…hungry…I mean with my soul hungering yet?
IS it worth the risk?
I wonder…had the bleeding woman not been healed if she would have regreted the act of lungeing for Jesus’ robe. I wonder if, in spite of disappointment, there would have been something in her that would have rested in resolution. Somehow, I don’t think she would have regreted taking the risk, even if things had turned out differently.
But things didn’t turn out differently. She was healed.
Am I willing to let go of the past in order to live unencumbered in the present? That means letting go of the way food has comforted me, been a companion for me, numbed me to anger and pain…been the focus of my Saturday nights and celebrations. Am I willing to let go of all the “been there done thats” that have come before and believe that God is even now doing a new thing? Am I willing to risk?
Are you?
I challenge you to journal a prayer about your willingness (or lack of). Ask God to meet you where you are just as he met the bleeding woman.
NOTE: I am leaving for DisneyWorld early tomorrow morning. My daughter and I are meeting up with my dear friend, Jan, and her daughter for 5 days in the happiest place on earth! If I don’t have a chance to blog while I am gone, I will see you when I return!
by Heidi Bylsma | Jun 2, 2008 | Uncategorized
I am going to date myself. Do you remember the song from the 70s, sung by Roberta Flack, “Killing Me Softly?”
Have you ever felt like someone has been reading your journals and is talking to YOU or, worse — others— about what is there? Or that someone knows even the unspoken, unwritten…maybe unspeakable things in your heart…is bringing them to the surface…exposing you?
That is how I felt last weekend when I spent some time watching video Session Two of Stepping Up by Beth Moore.
Beth was in my home via my laptop and Windows Media Center. The morning was quiet – sunlight flooding my bedroom through the tree-framed, glass door. My golden retriever (psycho) dog was earnestly standing guard to prevent the reflections and shadows from causing any harm. All normal things, on normal mornings…
As Beth drew me in to the video session focusing on the Feast of Unleavened Bread and its applicability to my life, rather than Don McLean (who “Killing Me Softly” was written about), it was the Lord who was “strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with His song…”
“Hidden Hypocrisy…”
How did she know? How did Beth know that, like the symbolic gesture of holding back a little bit of “dough from a former baking,” I, too, had been holding something back, not ridding myself of ALL the yeast in my life. Like the fermented dough “hidden” in the flour, this tiny little bit seemed so harmless…but it had been working its way through everything, affecting all of it…
From the human, worldly perspective, from all outward appearances, I, Heidi Bylsma, have been a “Thin Within Success Story.” (Can you hear the tooting of the proverbial horns!?) In fact, my “success” has been proclaimed from the rooftops — literally, even in a national magazine. With more on tap this summer…
Mud on my face!
FIRST magazine ran a feature last December.
To add to my chagrin (the timing is oh-so-interesting), the July/August issue of Health magazine will include an article on “Mindful Eating,” including possibly a paragraph about my testimony with Thin Within. Quick and Simple’s August issue may have a feature on yours truly…(unless the Lord says otherwise, and He may…) Announcing yet again, “Here I am world!” “Look at me!” “God has done a new thing in me!” (More tooting of those horns…the head getting ever larger…)
Yet here I sit as I type this entry, wearing my “skinny jeans,” wondering if these well-worn, well-used, Levi 550s have *shrunk* some more (hmmm….no, I don’t imagine so after being washed at least 100 times!). Yes, they feel uncomfortably snug around the waist. :-/ But worse, there is a knowing that:
I am not as I claim.
Hidden Hypocrisy….
When did I let it become all about the outside—even while claiming it was about so much more? When did it stop being about GOD and being about ME?
I was challenged in my Beth Moore Stepping Up lesson yesterday, too. Have I begun to trust more in God’s blessings than in God himself?
Exposed again.
The “package” may look so different than it did in 2006, but the lusts are still there! (Or are there — again!) I may not indulge them as often as I used to, but in so many ways the “inner me” feels like it is still in need of being transformed by the renewing of my mind. I guess it does. *I* do.
Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me…
The out-of-the-blue realization that I am blatantly something other than what I intentionally lead people to believe followed an email exchange with a dear friend…where I claimed (again) to live with integrity. I alleged that I would never do something hidden. I claimed to be authentic, genuine, what-you-see-is-what-you-get. “And durn proud of it, too…” (Toot toot toot…)
Hidden Hypocrisy…
If these things are true, then why, when Beth began to speak about “hidden hypocrisy,” did I feel so exposed? Why did I want to hide? (Hmm…a pattern emerges.)
Would I really want anyone who reads this blog, or my church friends, or my family to know me? What I am thinking? What I am…eating? Would I want any of those who “admire” me, “respect” me, who feel I am an “inspiration,” to see that the scale has nudged up in recent weeks? To know about the vacancy of my prayer life?
Hidden Hypocrisy…
And what is with ME ME ME making a You Tube video talking about the three phases of Thin Within and speaking about “discernment” and “mastery” — phase 2 and phase 3 — when I live SOLIDLY in phase 1…not just some of the time, but most of the time…without any desire to even let God change me? “God will remake your tastebuds!” Well, good grief. I sure can preach it, but there it is again…faith is seen in what I DO and what I DO says I do NOT believe what I said!
Hidden Hypocrisy…
I *have* experienced phase 2 and a bit of 3 before…and yes, I spend *some* time there now, but so often it is still my taste buds that determine what I will eat. How can I dare to speak about not being stuck? How can I encourage others when I am such a hypocrite? :-/
In fact, when it comes to my eating and drinking, I have SHUT off God’s voice of late. After a year and a half of eating “this way,” I know I can have thus and so for breakfast, this and that for lunch, and about this much of this-other-stuff for other eating occasions throughout the day, thank you very much, and still “hover” around the same weight. I have created the “Heidi Diet!” There is NO walking with the Spirit. There is NO praying. There is NO discernment. What there IS is a tuning OUT of God! What is UP with that? :-/ Pride, pride, and more pride.
I confess these things here, now, loudly. Frankly, I don’t want to put this blog entry out there…because with the coming of this realization, an old, but familiar companion has returned as well…shame. I remember well that shame breeds more shameful behavior if left unchecked. Like the blackberry brambles in my backyard, I must wage an all out assault against shame and not allow even a fragment of it to remain.
Knowing that, I reject the old way of secrecy and wallowing in shame. (Proof that God is doing a new thing! Praise YOU LORD!)
I know that shame is evidence of the enemy prowling. Like footprints on a dusty floor…footprints on the unkempt floor of my life, footprints of the enemy who is sneaking around accusing, scheming a way to devour me. I refuse to let him make any mark on my life. That is why this confession is public. I believe that in order to BE RID of this yeast, this old, fermented dough, I must choose to allow the exposing to be public, too, just as all my other claims have been public. I wish FIRST would splash this across their double page insert…:-(
Well…er…maybe not.
God, in his tenderness, chose to expose the truth in my life quietly. He is gentle that way (well, often times). He has, however, called to me to step into the light with it. He covers me — saturates me — with grace. He wraps me in a blanket. He redeems all the years the locusts have eaten. NOTHING is so great, so horrible as to stand between me and the love of God.
In fact, Psalm 3: 3,4 says:
But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head.
To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah
Yes, Lord. You are my shield. You bestow glory. You do not cast shame on me. You lift my head, instead. I cry to you. I thank you that You answer, Lord. I choose to “*selah,” Lord. Amen.
* Selah means pause, rest, or think about it.
** I want my dear blog reading friends to know that the above has been in process since Saturday. I have placed it here, but even so, it is an “observation.” The “correction” has begun as well. I now have a daily accountability partner. This is vital for me at this time. I celebrate that the Lord continues to do a NEW new thing! 🙂
by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 15, 2008 | Blog
For many years (on and off), I have resisted going on an airplane.
The reason? Well…truthfully…my hips were wider than the seat. Not by much, but enough to cause the arm rests to “pop up” to make room for the relatively wide expanse of my backside. This has been humiliating for me…especially when seated next to anyone of relatively normal size…who would prefer not to share their seat with the hips of a total stranger.
In March, I am going to visit a dear friend of mine. The photograph on the left is from the first time we ever met…in 2000. I wasn’t even at my biggest (yet). The trip to see my dear friend requires a ride on an airplane. When the reservation was made, my conscious brain was able to say “No problem. No fear. Smaller hips. I can keep myself inside my own seat now. Yay!”
Today, however, as I was driving down the highway thinking of this trip yet another three weeks off, I had a random thought…it was a panicked thought. It was “Oh no! NOT an airplane!!!! What will I do about my HIPS!?!?!?!?!?”
It was like my brain failed in that moment to realize the new truth…that things have changed. My body isn’t the same as it was the last time I was humiliated by the mismatch of rear-to-seat on an airplane.
This isn’t the first time (nor will it be the last) that this has happened. For years, I have avoided looking at reflections in windows or mirrors. I didn’t want to see what was “growing” on my body. Avoidance was my preferred denial mechanism. There were times when I would accidentally catch a look and be aghast at what I had seen…”Where did all that…extra…erm…*body*…COME from???” It was devastating when that happened.
In the past six months or so when I have accidentally seen a reflection or even a shadow (like when I ride my horses) of myself…I have been shocked…It is like my brain STILL hasn’t adapted to being different. “Who is *that*???” It just seems so strange not to see a relatively LARGE HULKING MASS…Honestly…I guess for the months I was releasing weight, I avoided looking too because it is like I see it now and I don’t know how that happened! Where did 2/5ths of my body go?
Sometimes I wonder why the renewing of my mind through the Word of Truth isn’t changing this aspect of my thinking. Maybe it is more than I realize. Or maybe it is a reminder of where I have been…and God intends to allow it to assist me in being aware that, “But for the grace of God, there am I…”
There is a song by Point of Grace that soooo ministers to my heart. I wish I could (legally) put it here for you to hear them sing. Instead, please consider downloading it…pay the 99cents and download it from Christian Books. Please…you won’t regret it! If you have felt at all like me….
It is Heal the Wound and the link for the page at CBD to pay 99 cents to download it is here.
Then…please share with me in comments or something how God uses it to encourage you. God definitely has healed many wounds in my life…and has left scars showing just how merciful he is. It is a reminder of where he has brought me from…It does keep me on my knees…even though I am free.
Yes, Lord. I praise you for the scars that remind me of how merciful you are….even when my brain flips a switch and forgets and goes into “shame” mode…thank you that you have reminded me…you are the lifter of my head…and I need not be ashamed…Thank you.
by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 6, 2008 | Blog
Today is our anniversary–23 years!
My hubby, Bob, is applying the Thin Within principles now, too. He has released about 7 pounds. So today, at our anniversary lunch, we took pictures of our meals – before we ate any of it (when it was served), after we ate (what was left on the plate), and the carry out container with the left overs.
First, my meal–I ate about 5 chips with bean dip while we waited. (Not pictured! LOL!)
Cheese enchildas (2 of them), refried beans, and rice. YUM! The above is what was served to me.
I was at a 5 (physically satisfied, no longer hungry, comfortable) when I finished eating. The above picture shows what was left of my meal after I was done. I tried to eat really slow…putting my fork down, talking between bites, sipping my soda. I had only one diet soda with dinner–a record for me (diet soda is something God is working on my heart to release again to Him…more on that another time).
Here is all the food I got to take home! At least two more meals for me, if not three! It is hard to see, but there are actually one and a half enchiladas in the carryout.
Below is what hubby was served:
Steak fajitas. The tortillas aren’t pictured. Below is what was left when he was done:
As you can see, there is a truckload of food left! He figures he will have at least two meals left to enjoy at home, too. YAY, Bob! Even though he ate so little (he did fill up a bit more on chips and had two diet sodas with dinner), he said once the diet soda hit his stomach, he was at a 7. Whoops! But that feeling dissipated pretty quickly. This is what his carryout looked like:
So there you have it…another testimony to how little food we can survive on!
Some would say eating this stuff isn’t “healthy.” For a year and two months I have applied the principles of Thin Within and allowed God to renew my mind about food. I have eaten all the “real” foods you see pictured here in my blog and more. I have eaten them in moderation, however. My cholesterol has been in the healthy range, I am no longer on blood pressure medicine and my blood pressure is normal. (THANK YOU, LORD!!!) I have energy and never feel deprived or struggle with “guilt” about eating something “naughty.” Everything is permissible. Garcia’s mexican food is a “whole body pleaser” for me. In moderation, I can eat and be satisfied and feel great afterwards.
Nothing that *I* could do in myself has caused the weight to come off or my blood pressure to be normal again. He has put in me the desire to have a heart set on him instead of food.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” (Galatians 5:1). Here is a passage that I think is very powerful. Pray and dare to fathom what God wants to do in your life! He works the wonders! Believe that He can do it!!!
Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: “Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
-Colossians 2:20-23
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 4, 2007 | Blog
There is a honeymoon period for many of us with Thin Within. Are you in the honeymoon phase? If so, rejoice! But prepare for what is ahead!
Others of us know what I am talking about….WE HAVE HIT THE WALL! YIKES!
I think one reason for the wall is because as we seek to submit our heart to the Lord, he begins to make it clear he is going to get into our business…he wants full complete surrender. When we sense that this is the case, sometimes we begin to rebel again. Then the Lord begins to purify…like a refiner’s fire. Oooooh…it can really hurt quite a bit as we see just how proud and arrogant we have been.
But as we submit to this process we begin to once again submit our eating and our choices within 0 to 5 to him…we begin to desire to honor him with the choices in all of the things in our lives. We no longer compartmentalize things…but allow him to truly invade our lives completely…
The process IS hard. Harder than it is in the beginning…but it is effective. It is a heart change…a thinking transformation as he renews our hearts and minds. We have to allow him to change the way we think about food, our bodies, eating…and ultimately everything.
He will show us how forgiveness will unlock some of the things that hold us captive to eating when we aren’t hungry…but we have to walk through the valley of the shadow of death…It WILL get hard…but it works.
I am a slooooow learner…well, no…I am rebellious and allowed my rebellion to go on quite a long time. (Even now I struggle with it…) God began the Thin Within phase of my journey SEVEN years ago!!!! But it wasn’t until 13 months ago that it really began to “work”…I see now that all the time that came “before,” He was working on many things that weren’t physical…but boy…if I had given up because of not seeing the physical results, so many other things He has accomplished would never have happened.
Anyhow…if it has gotten hard…HANG IN THERE! This IS a new thing, too! Cling to Him and ask Him to work complete surrender in your life…He will do it…I believe that.
This idea of being free to risk has really hit me afresh. We talked about this in our Thin Within online support group chat the other night. If we give our coping mechanisms–if we dare to reach for the hem of Jesus’ robe even while we lay hemorraging in the dust–what if he doesn’t choose to heal? What if he doesn’t choose to change me?
