When I saw this image, it totally reminded me of ME! She has that “I can TOOeat this if I want!” rebellious look about her. AND she is redheaded and freckled like yours truly. Do you ever feel this way? đ I hope not! But if you do, I am in company with you. I praise God that he is at work in me, though, and the moments when I feel this way are fewer and fewer! YAY, God!
I want to cover a lot of ground today. This post includes:
A Video about Overcoming Failure Eating
Announcement: Who is the winner of this week’s drawing
Updated Bible Study schedule
Poll asking you for what you would like to study next.
Video About Failure Eating – If you subscribe via email. please visit the blog to see the video.
Even if you haven’t been doing the study with us, you can probably relate to a day when you gave in and ate outside of 0 and 5. You may have given up for the day, not even trying any more to maintain your boundaries. This is NOT uncommon! This short video is an option for what to do instead! I hope it helps:
The drawing this week is a bit…well…unusual. I prayed as is my practice and my hand landed on NATALIA! She won the week of coaching week before last. So, if Natalia would like one of the prizes, she will get one.
But it also seemed like I should reach in again…so I did. We have two winners. đ
The second winner is Lesley UK. đ
CONGRATULATIONS!!! I will send you both an email and you can let me know which of the prizes you would like:
A Thin Within book (donated by Joe Donaldson of the Thin Within ministry)
A Hunger Within book (donated by Arthur and Judy Halliday)
A week of One-on-One Coaching (donated by yours truly)
Schedule
This is what is ahead for the remaining weeks of our Weight Loss Bible Study:
Evaluation: How are you doing? Use this worksheet to find out. Week 5 March 31-April 6
Emotional Eating: “This will make me feel better.” Week 5 March 31-April 6
Hopeless Eating: “Iâll never get over this. I might as well eat.” Week 6 April 7 – 13
Good Food Eating:Â Hey, that looks good. I should eat it. Week 7Â April 14-20
Bad Scale Eating: I didnât lose weight. I might as well eat. Week 7 April 14-20
Social Eating: Sheâs eating. I should eat. Week 8 April 21-27
Preventative Eating? I have to write this one up if we are going to look at it, but I think it bears doing! Week 8.
Then I will probably have a wrap up during a week 9. A chance for us to debrief about some things and a looking forward to what might be next.
What Do You Want To Do Next?
What’s next? Well, let me know what YOU would like to see! đ Here is a poll to help me figure that out. đ This is the first time I have tried this “polls” feature, so here’s hoping it works!
[polldaddy poll=6998572]
Practical Questions:
You may see by now that I like to end most of the blog posts with a “bringing it home” set of questions. So let me ask you: What practical steps can you take today to maintain your 0 – 5 eating boundaries? What have you learned during the past month of our study that really stands out as something you can apply today? đ
I am going to date myself. Do you remember the song from the 70s, sung by Roberta Flack, “Killing Me Softly?â
Have you ever felt like someone has been reading your journals and is talking to YOU or, worse — others— about what is there? Or that someone knows even the unspoken, unwrittenâŠmaybe unspeakable things in your heartâŠis bringing them to the surfaceâŠexposing you?
That is how I felt last weekend when I spent some time watching video Session Two of Stepping Up by Beth Moore.
Beth was in my home via my laptop and Windows Media Center. The morning was quiet â sunlight flooding my bedroom through the tree-framed, glass door. My golden retriever (psycho) dog was earnestly standing guard to prevent the reflections and shadows from causing any harm. All normal things, on normal mornings…
As Beth drew me in to the video session focusing on the Feast of Unleavened Bread and its applicability to my life, rather than Don McLean (who “Killing Me Softly” was written about), it was the Lord who was “strumming my pain with his fingers, singing my life with his words, killing me softly with His song…”
“Hidden Hypocrisy…” How did she know? How did Beth know that, like the symbolic gesture of holding back a little bit of âdough from a former baking,â I, too, had been holding something back, not ridding myself of ALL the yeast in my life. Like the fermented dough âhiddenâ in the flour, this tiny little bit seemed so harmlessâŠbut it had been working its way through everything, affecting all of itâŠ
From the human, worldly perspective, from all outward appearances, I, Heidi Bylsma, have been a “Thin Within Success Story.” (Can you hear the tooting of the proverbial horns!?) In fact, my “success” has been proclaimed from the rooftops — literally, even in a national magazine. With more on tap this summer…
Mud on my face!
FIRST magazine ran a feature last December.
To add to my chagrin (the timing is oh-so-interesting), the July/August issue of Health magazine will include an article on âMindful Eating,â including possibly a paragraph about my testimony with Thin Within. Quick and Simple’s August issue may have a feature on yours truly…(unless the Lord says otherwise, and He may…) Announcing yet again, “Here I am world!” “Look at me!” “God has done a new thing in me!” (More tooting of those horns…the head getting ever larger…)
Yet here I sit as I type this entry, wearing my âskinny jeans,” wondering if these well-worn, well-used, Levi 550s have *shrunk* some more (hmmm….no, I don’t imagine so after being washed at least 100 times!). Yes, they feel uncomfortably snug around the waist. :-/ But worse, there is a knowing that:
I am not as I claim.
Hidden Hypocrisy….
When did I let it become all about the outsideâeven while claiming it was about so much more? When did it stop being about GOD and being about ME?
I was challenged in my Beth Moore Stepping Up lesson yesterday, too. Have I begun to trust more in Godâs blessings than in God himself?
Exposed again.
The “package” may look so different than it did in 2006, but the lusts are still there! (Or are there — again!) I may not indulge them as often as I used to, but in so many ways the âinner meâ feels like it is still in need of being transformed by the renewing of my mind. I guess it does. *I* do.
Create in me a clean heart, O God. Renew a right spirit within me…
The out-of-the-blue realization that I am blatantly something other than what I intentionally lead people to believe followed an email exchange with a dear friend…where I claimed (again) to live with integrity. I alleged that I would never do something hidden. I claimed to be authentic, genuine, what-you-see-is-what-you-get. “And durn proud of it, too…” (Toot toot toot…)
Hidden Hypocrisy…
If these things are true, then why, when Beth began to speak about âhidden hypocrisy,â did I feel so exposed? Why did I want to hide? (HmmâŠa pattern emerges.)
Would I really want anyone who reads this blog, or my church friends, or my family to know me? What I am thinking? What I am…eating? Would I want any of those who âadmireâ me, “respect” me, who feel I am an âinspiration,â to see that the scale has nudged up in recent weeks? To know about the vacancy of my prayer life?
Hidden Hypocrisy…
And what is with ME ME ME making a You Tube video talking about the three phases of Thin Within and speaking about âdiscernmentâ and “mastery” — phase 2 and phase 3 — when I live SOLIDLY in phase 1…not just some of the time, but most of the time…without any desire to even let God change me? “God will remake your tastebuds!” Well, good grief. I sure can preach it, but there it is again…faith is seen in what I DO and what I DO says I do NOT believe what I said!
Hidden Hypocrisy…
I *have* experienced phase 2 and a bit of 3 before…and yes, I spend *some* time there now, but so often it is still my taste buds that determine what I will eat. How can I dare to speak about not being stuck? How can I encourage others when I am such a hypocrite? :-/
In fact, when it comes to my eating and drinking, I have SHUT off Godâs voice of late. After a year and a half of eating âthis way,â I know I can have thus and so for breakfast, this and that for lunch, and about this much of this-other-stuff for other eating occasions throughout the day, thank you very much, and still âhoverâ around the same weight. I have created the âHeidi Diet!â There is NO walking with the Spirit. There is NO praying. There is NO discernment. What there IS is a tuning OUT of God! What is UP with that? :-/ Pride, pride, and more pride.
I confess these things here, now, loudly. Frankly, I don’t want to put this blog entry out there…because with the coming of this realization, an old, but familiar companion has returned as wellâŠshame. I remember well that shame breeds more shameful behavior if left unchecked. Like the blackberry brambles in my backyard, I must wage an all out assault against shame and not allow even a fragment of it to remain.
Knowing that, I reject the old way of secrecy and wallowing in shame. (Proof that God is doing a new thing! Praise YOU LORD!)
I know that shame is evidence of the enemy prowling. Like footprints on a dusty floorâŠfootprints on the unkempt floor of my life, footprints of the enemy who is sneaking around accusing, scheming a way to devour me. I refuse to let him make any mark on my life. That is why this confession is public. I believe that in order to BE RID of this yeast, this old, fermented dough, I must choose to allow the exposing to be public, too, just as all my other claims have been public. I wish FIRST would splash this across their double page insert…:-(
Well…er…maybe not.
God, in his tenderness, chose to expose the truth in my life quietly. He is gentle that way (well, often times). He has, however, called to me to step into the light with it. He covers me — saturates me — with grace. He wraps me in a blanket. He redeems all the years the locusts have eaten. NOTHING is so great, so horrible as to stand between me and the love of God.
In fact, Psalm 3: 3,4 says:
But you are a shield around me, O LORD; you bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the LORD I cry aloud, and he answers me from his holy hill.
Selah
Yes, Lord. You are my shield. You bestow glory. You do not cast shame on me. You lift my head, instead. I cry to you. I thank you that You answer, Lord. I choose to â*selah,â Lord. Amen.
* Selah means pause, rest, or think about it.
** I want my dear blog reading friends to know that the above has been in process since Saturday. I have placed it here, but even so, it is an “observation.” The “correction” has begun as well. I now have a daily accountability partner. This is vital for me at this time. I celebrate that the Lord continues to do a NEW new thing! đ
The horse dream ended up in a very real way being a nightmareâGod continued to shut down everything to which I looked for satisfaction but Him (including my horses!).
I stopped riding due to challenges the horses faced (the one in the picture wasn’t even 5 yet and came totally lame…surgery was required…he is only 9 now and is retired). Between that and my escalating weight (again), I stopped riding. This was a heartache as well.
God was insistent. Gentle, yes, but insistent. Would I look to Him? Or would I continue to resist His call?
In the fall of 2006, I got involved in an online Christian horse ownerâs list. I wanted to fellowship with other believers who loved and were owned by đ horses. I guess the group owner âGoogledâ my name and found out about my involvement with Thin Within.
The internet is an amazing place. We can be whoever or whatever we want independent of how we look. In real life, had this woman seen me, she might have been very polite and never even mentioned a âChristian diet bookâ to me given I carried 100 (or so) extra poundsâeven if I âhelped writeâ it! But, not having seen me, she didnât know I didnât practice what I preachedâŠAnd innocently asked me about it. She had no idea that this was something from my pastâor was it?
She was a tool in Godâs hands to flush me out of hiding!
In fact, she asked me to lead the horse group members through an online study of the Thin Within book. Good grief! God was actually pursuing me! Rather than interpret it as indicative of His great love, I felt trapped. đ And a bit annoyed.
Not willing to be Jonah and run the other way, however, I went along with it. After all, no one had to know the truth–that I was almost as big as ever and didn’t give a flying fig about surrendering this to God…right?
I am sure that precious woman didnât have a clue how God was using her. She may have only known that she and others in the group wanted to lose weight (or, at the very least, make it through the holidays without gaining) and Thin Within was a âChristian dietâ (or so they thoughtâit isnât at all, but they didnât know that yet).
It is funny how the Lord works things out.
Early in November 2006, I began to share lessons about Thin Within on the Christian horsemanâs list. Getting to know the group, I also shared the video of Daniel and Dodger.
In response to that, I discovered that a young mom of a four year old boyâŠwho had been diagnosed with the same autism spectrum disorder as my DanielâAspergerâs Syndromeâwas also present on the list! When we began to talk about our sonsâhers only 4 years of age and mine 14 years oldâwe shared and talked and shared and talked some more. I had walked this road 10 years ahead of herâŠand God used her earnest questions to soften my heart some more. There were times when I would come through an email exchange in tearsâŠboth at the pain I had touched upon in my own life in order to reach out to her, but also with joy that the years of heartache had an outletâŠa positive one.
God showed me again…He spins straw to gold if we allow it.
The question was, would I yet continue to resist that God is God? Could HE use me in some way to encourage another about her childâs autism?
How ironicâŠI found that, in spite of myself, I did have encouragement to offer her. If nothing else, I could share pitfalls to avoid, blessings to rejoice inâŠand as I shared with her, I found that God was redeeming many years of pain, years of resentment that He chose to make my son autistic, years of feeling Godâs âcold shoulder.â I began to consider that God had much more tenderness toward me, and toward Daniel, than I realized.
As I shared daily in just two short weeks with the online horse group about Thin Within, God continued to melt my heartâŠthis time, combining the awareness of the truth about Thin Within with his gentle nudge to look at all the areas of my life I had yet to surrender or to surrenderâŠagain.
Because of what I learned in 2001, I knew forgiveness of others, of myself and, even of God, was an important factor. I knew that, if nothing else, it would help clear the air in my life and lift burdens I was carrying needlessly.
Not so nearly the huge undertaking it had been in 2001, I was able to move forward quickly.
Early on, a song came on KLOVE radio that echoed the stirrings in my heart for the first time in a number of years:
You are my desire,
no one else will doâŠ.
help me find a way,
bring me back to youâŠ
Youâre all I want.
Youâre all I ever needed.
Youâre all I want. Help me know you are here.
God was making a way in the wildernessâŠand a way to bring me back to Him. That song was like a healing ointment applied to my heart, softening it. God gently peeled back the callusâŠand the heart beneath was tender.
Another song ministered to me deeply– âHeâs My Sonâ by Mark Schultz. God used that song to show me that He was, indeed, aware of my heartache and pain. He reminded me that He, too, gave up His SonâŠonly He gave His Son over to sinful man. He was not asking me to do that. He asked me to trust my only son to HIMâto the Lord. To let God be God.
As if to confirm what He was showing me in the stillness of my quiet times with him, another song came on the radio while I was driving through the canyon near our home:
God is God and I am not
I can only see a part
of the picture Heâs painting
God is God and I am man
So Iâll never understand it all
For only God is God
God showed me unmistakably that he cares, that he is here, that he is making a way, even when I see no possible way for that to happen. He IS doing a new thing, even when I donât perceive it.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:19
He is faithful to complete that which He has begun (Philippians 1:6). I had allowed my vision to be blurred by bitterness and fear. As these blinders came off, I could begin to see the truth. Truth sets me free (John 8:32)âThe truth that He loves, He cares, He is involvedâŠHe calls to me, to you. He beckons to us to draw near to His loveâŠso great a love. So unfathomable, in fact, that we may miss it.
I challenge you, dear readerâŠbelieve Him for the truth. He says the truth is that He IS doing a new thing. Will you choose to believe God? To believe what He says?
Tomorrow, I promise đ the close of this lengthy testimony.
A note about this multiple-part testimony: It seems so self-indulgent to me to share here on the blog all of this “All About Me” journey thing. My hope is that you will be encouraged! No matter how much “wandering” you think you have done, I am willing to bet I have done more! No matter how long you feel it has taken you to “get it” with regard to Thin Within principles, I am willing to bet it has taken me longer. No matter how many poor choices you feel you have made, I hope you can see I have made more! And *I* had a set up for “success” years ago!
So…that is why I have chosen to take the time (and space) and share this lengthy testimony with you. I truly hope that you can be encouraged. I have been the queen of failures, the master of flaky “commitments,” the expert of “good intentions!”
But God can and will turn any of it around. ALL of it matters! Rather than think it proves that I am a failure or flake, I choose to believe that it proves that God has deposited into my life investments that are now finally “maturing” (even if I am not! LOL!). Truthfully, if He can finally get through to me given all the chances I have had, then He can definitely transform ANYONE! So BE encouraged! And forgive me for going on and on with my testimony…
Letting Shame Win
Continuing from part 3…
The book project merged into another writing project through the holidays of 2001âwhat has now become the 12-week Thin Within Foundations Program material. As with the birthing of any work of value, there were many challenges. Looking back now, I can say it was all wonderfully worth it!
But at the time, facing the impossible tasks of writing constantly for short deadlines while trying to keep my home and homeschooling my then 8 and 10 year oldsâŠemotionally, I was a basket case. What could have been an opportunity for growthâwell, I allowed it to send me back to familiar coping mechanisms insteadâŠplunging myself head long into overeating! Can you believe it!?
Do you find yourself gravitating toward that which is familiar–even when it is destructive? I know I do if I am not vigilant and guard against this tendency! That period was proof of that!
My journal entries at the time I was writing with Judy read like one struggling with two extremes (or what TW calls the pendulum swing). Resolved to demonstrate the freedom in practice that I knew Jesus had paid for me âin theory,â I repeatedly confessed my struggle with overeating to God and begged for His rescue. I lamented that even during my partnership with Judy Hallidayâa wonderful mentorâstill I hadnât begun to live out the freedom that Jesus paid to provide for me. The feelings of defeat were, at times, absolutely overwhelming. More than ever before, I began to understand these words of the Apostle Paul:
I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to doâthis I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? (Romans 7:18-24)
The problem was, I continued to leave out verse 25 and chapter 8 verses 1 and 2 which reads:
Thanks be to Godâthrough Jesus Christ our Lord!…Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
I continued to write for the Thin Within company through the first part of 2002. The book came out in Spring of 2002. We filmed the earliest videos for the company about that same time. But how was I supposed to testify about the effectiveness of the Thin Within approach when my body didnât reflect that truth? I knew it *was* effective, but I wasnât choosing to live according to what I knew. What kind of testimony is that? (More shame piled on…)
It is still difficult for me to see or hear that people have viewed those early TW videosâŠbut I know God can use even a cracked pot to contain his glory!
Nevertheless, the âtruthâ I lived at the time wasnât the truth I knew in my head. Shame began to return to my life more quickly than any weight I had formerly lost (which is saying a lot as the weight had returned QUICKLY).
Shame is dangerous. It causes us to isolate, to hide, and furthers our sin/shame patterns. have you found that to be true? I know now that if I have been hiding out at home and not getting out to see people as often, to evaluate my life…what is going on. Am I caught again in a shame cycle?
This, too, is written about in the Thin Again book. So much of what I had learned remained only in my head, however. The more I knew and didnât apply, the greater my shame.
At some point, I supposed I couldnât âhandleâ continuing to connect with my friends and mentors in Thin Within if I wasnât going to change. Slowly, I drifted away from my association with the Hallidays and the Thin Within company.
In fact, I was ashamed that my name had been placed not only in the acknowledgements of the TW book, but also inside on the front page! Godâs call was irrefutable. Yet I continued to resist.
Oh, dear readerâŠmy heart is heavy as I share these details with you. I do so in the hopes that you will know that no matter how rebellious or sinful you may feel you have been or even areâŠI have you beat! My own rebellion is far greater!
When it comes to giving my heart and eating to the Lord, no greater love could have been givenâŠand yet I continued to resist. So many chances. So many opportunities. Yet I began to feel as if I didnât want my name to be associated with Thin Within or the Hallidays. I felt I would reflect poorly on the Hallidays, on Thin Within and on the Lord. I wasnât yet living the truth that I knew was contained within the pages of the book. Shame is so deadly.
I am feeling like this really will happen this time. I will reach my God-given size…and not just because I have mechanically applied the physiological aspects of 0-5 eating. God is really transforming me INSIDE (within) and out.
For some reason the 35 pounds I have lost seems like it was ALL really significant–like half from my tummy and half from my bottom. My profile looks different…when I accidentally see my reflection, now, I don’t cringe…I don’t freak. I look *different*…Almost…well, “normal.”
So what is my fear? How many times have I lost weight….a bizillion. And then gained it again. A bizillion. Just since having kids, I have lost over 210 pounds (not counting the latest 35) and gained it back…
I remember after I lost 110 pounds with Weight Watchers and made a huge monumental decision to break free from my fear of gaining the weight back…and I got rid of all my biggest sized clothing. (And the smaller sizes between that biggest size and where I was). I struggled with doing this for a long time before taking those large sized clothes to Good Will. When I did it, I hooted and hollered and celebrated! I was FREE!
I regretted it within two years. I had no clothes that fit as I gained back the weight and had to go out and *buy* the bigger sizes. That was awful.
Today I had the thought hit me, “I will probably gain all this back again just like I always have.”
Well, nuts, if that isn’t from the pit of hell, I don’t know what is. But I also am a realist…this thought has history supporting it as fact. However, on the other side of things, I also know that because this is so different this time…since God really is making me different “within” that former history doesn’t have to be repeated. I can truly FORGET what is behind and press on! So there!
So…I am going to do something different. No, I won’t get rid of the big sized clothing. I guess that says something….
Instead, though, I am going to type up little notes to pin inside the pockets. If I ever wear those jeans again, I will find that note. I know myself well enough to know that I will HAVE to read it…I am like that. In that note, I will point out how wonderfully easy and quick God has been making this. I will put my testimony of seeing God work, transforming me…and the way He is also calling me to be restored in ministry at the same time as well….
I think that it could matter. I know that the worldly thought that kept me from starting this sooner was that it would take “such a long time” to release weight. Well, that isn’t true at all. Not only that, but eating this way has felt GREAT.
Yes, there have been times I have stumbled. Around Christmas, I went bonkers. I still manage to eat beyond the place God has told me to stop many times. I am in process….
I will just slip a reminder in the pocket of those pants.
Who knows? Maybe when I finally DO get the courage and overcome my fear to give those jeans away, I will have forgotten about the note pinned in them and some unsuspecting thrift store shopper will find the note…and get hope! LOL!
