by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 4, 2010 | Blog
Hi, folks. Are any of you hanging in there with the Thin Within workbook study? I know I have been horribly flaky. I truly apologize. I will try to get my act together. I have been doing the study and showing up to lead my live group. Are any of you in a live group right now or leading one?
Remember, you can post here about any of the things God is teaching you. The God Is Doing A New Thing website has the assignment links posted, too. Please feel free to post to the Thin Within forums (the best choice) or here.
I hope to post assignment three this week.
Again, my apologies!
by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 2, 2010 | Blog
Many of you have emailed me or posted here (and on Facebook) that you are praying for our family. Thank you so much. God is answering. Today, I have experienced some hope. I know that the road ahead is likely yet to be long and filled with many challenges, but today has offered the first bit of tangible hope that I have seen. Thank you for your prayers.
God is showing me so much about myself. It is utterly painful. I wonder if maybe…well…if I hadn’t been numbing myself for so many years with food or this or that or the other thing, if I wouldn’t have heard him sooner…the convicting whisper of his Spirit.
I guess it doesn’t matter. He is doing an overhaul in me now. It is so very hard, but I trust it is what is best.
Thank you so much for praying.
by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 1, 2010 | Blog
I imagine some have come to this blog recently wondering what on earth what I am blogging about has to do with eating, weight loss, Thin Within, and being my “natural God-given size” and yada yada! HA!
The answer is EVERYTHING.
My world is being rocked–flipped upside down. Things I have “known” are now changing at light speed. Have you ever felt that way?
Right now, my trust in the Lord is being challenged, by reliance on His goodness, and resting in His love for me. I know I will make it through because I know His Word is true. When I struggle to trust the Lord with family, friends, church, health or whatever it is, then it erodes my willingness to trust the body that he created. I begin to turn to old familiar coping mechanisms–which don’t help me to cope at all!
When I am angry at God about what He has ordained, then I get a ‘tude. A BIG ‘tude (short for ATTItude!).
For a few weeks, I swung way over to the license side of the pendulum. Though I kept a steady rein on it so it didn’t get too crazy, I was rebelling–even lashing out in anger (which has, honestly, intensified). I sought to comfort and numb myself with food. I feel like I have had enough with “surprises” from God. š I was mad at Him and demonstrated it by eating — like a spoiled child. I continued to play tennis for the sheer joy (and escape) found in it.
Now, I feel like I have swung way over on the other end of the pendulum–it doesn’t feel like legalism (which is typically on the other side)…but then, legalism is really a buzz word for me right now. I think there is a boatload of denial going on for me.
“If I can’t be in control of ______________,
one thing I know I *can* control
is my body, my size, my eating!”
That is when I don’t eat (even when hungry) and when I start to exercise like a fiend. During the past week, as I have begun to release control that was never mine in the first place on things that aren’t mine to control, I have begun to clamber to control that which I can…and that is…ME (supposedly). Well, since I am not doing a very good job controlling my emotions, I can control my body, right?
So, I am in a difficult place…a place that feels like a NEED right now. It is that place of relishing every chance I can to move my body and beat it into the ground, whether it be with a two-hour tennis workout in the 90 degree day (a ball machine at our club makes for a killer cardio workout! WOW!) or using TurboFire to kick my own rear. Truthfully, this has become increasingly a respite for me. I think I am ok right now, but I see the old temptations surfacing. You can escape by exercising every bit as much as you can by doing anything to excess. I wonder if I can learn moderation, even while being on this side of things.
The goal is, of course, to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. I need to believe HIM, trust HIS character. CHOOSE Him. If I do that, I can exercise, eat appropriate amounts of food between 0 and 5, and allow him to refine me through this process.
If I strive with God about what He hopes to accomplish in this, I will continue to look for my identity in other things…in being “Thin Within Woman,” or a “4.5 Tennis Player” (HA!) or whatever else I might look to for my identity.
I am His. He defines me. This isn’t about my performance. This is about HIS performance. He has done it. I need to rest in that and trust that. I need to obey him as he leads me…what, when and why to eat, what, when and why to exercise…what, when and why to speak, clean, cook, teach, read, play, etc., etc.
All of this stuff I am going through is integrated. I can’t separate my eating, exercising, perspective of my body from the rest of my life. How I perceive myself (something that is really being challenged right now because of the trials I am going through) drastically affects all of these things and so much more.
How about for you? Do you find this to be true? How so?
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 30, 2010 | Blog
How can this possibly be God’s will? How can the things that are good, godly, and incredible blessings, possibly be those things that God now calls me to lay down for him?
“How can this be what you want, Lord?
How can you call me to die to these very things
that your Word speaks of as worth fighting for?
Why do you call me to lay these things on the altar?
How could these things be “Isaac” for me?
Will you not bring the ram in the thicket?”
God did bring the ram in the thicket for Abraham, but he didn’t for Jesus. Jesus called to God and no ram was to be found. In fact, Jesus was the ram.
Jesus’ ministry was in it’s “hey day.” Lame walked, blind saw, demon-possessed were free. Had Jesus not been willing to hear and obey the Father’s call to lay aside his earthly ministry, even though it was good, godly, “successful,” and clearly reflected God’s will, there would have been no cross.
God called Jesus to lay aside the excellent, beautiful ministry he had among people, and to venture down the Path of Suffering to the brutality of the cross. Humanly speaking, this didn’t make sense. His disciples had expected that “things were just getting good,” that they would now link arms with Jesus to usher in the dawn of a new age. An age of victory over Rome! Hail the conquering heroes!
But no.
God had different ideas. Somehow, the Father had in mind that the persecution of the Romans would not only continue, but it would intensify. God intended that Jesus would set aside the immeasurably good for something that appeared horrific–the cross.
If Jesus hadn’t been willing, there would have been no cross, no redemption, no salvation. Had he clung to his ministry and said, “But look at this, Father! This is great! This is what you have always wanted on earth! This is a godly, pure, wonderful ministry that is making a difference! I will keep on doing this ministry since this MUST be what you want!” then all the people in all the world — you and me — would be doomed to hell.
I know that what is facing me is nowhere near so significant a calling as that to which Jesus was called. But I also know that the mandate is similar. He calls me to come and die. Die to all of the things that he has told me in all my years as a believer (32 of them now) are good, wonderful, godly things to fight for…he calls me to surrender them now…to die to these very things. To surrender to the brutality of a cross of sorts.
I don’t get it.
But I know that is the call.
I am just not sure how I will manage it.
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 28, 2010 | Blog
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No, thanks, though.”
“Well, I can just pray.”
I am realizing the irony of this statement.
When I “just pray,” something huge is taking place. When I “just” pray, in effect, I lay down my ability (or supposed ability) to be able to control people and situations. I turn my attention to the One who is sovereign and in complete control. I agree with him that there is nothing I can do to bring about godly, lasting change. When I “just pray,” I choose to lay down my desire and intent to manipulate.
When we “just pray,” we allow something huge to happen within us and maybe that is the point of whatever it is we are facing.
Conversely, when God calls us to let go of things–to quit insisting through clever sounding words or biblical advice and arguments–when we finally choose to acknowledge that we can’t control this situation or this person, “all” that is left really, is prayer…and repentance (our own)…and rest.
Ironic, isn’t it? When we lay it all down and feel like we are doing nothing but pray we are in the most powerful place…we are in a position where we can watch what God will do and take comfort in the fact that we don’t have to make something happen. We don’t have to be clever enough, articulate enough, even godly enough to bring about the change we want in others.
When I choose to lay it down, there is peace and rest.
This is what the Sovereign LORD,
the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
– Isaiah 30:15
I don’t want to strive with the Lord any more. I choose to repent of my attempts to manipulate–even for a “godly” outcome. The only way I can be quiet, at peace, and enjoy the rest he promises is if I lay it all down and “just” pray.
How about you? Is there something (or someone) you are trying to change? Even for a godly reason? Are you anxious about it? If so, will you join me in laying it down. Let’s “just” pray…
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 27, 2010 | Blog
God has seen fit that this will be an extreeeeeeeme testing season for my family. I have never seen the fire turned up on us in quite this way and never seen so many of my own impurities surface. It is devastating to see just how ugly I can be (or is this only scraping the surface?! )!
Yesterday, I felt like I couldn’t handle even one person at church asking me that dreaded question: “How are you?” I am honest. I can’t handle saying “Fine” if I am not fine. Even if I am feeling a bit off, I don’t like to say “Fine,” let alone when I feel like my world is caving in…which I do…right now. (Note: If you are one of our church family, please know I love you dearly. Your hugs and prayers mean so much to us right now.)
So, I decided I was heading to an early service at a church some distance away.
You see, I had spent a very challenging night wrestling with God over big issues–over faithfulness (my imperfect perception of his as well as my own), forgiveness and my developing hatred toward other people (don’t worry, if you are reading this blog, it is doubtful you are one of them!), to name just a few. Yes, it is true! And even these words seem to sanitize what was really going on during the middle of the night. I had it OUT with God and it is amazing to me that I wasn’t given what I “deserve,” all right. I demonstrated in the dark of night that I am totally worthy of hell–my heart is so black. And even now, as I consider what transpired, I see I yet cherish sin in my heart. Oh, there is SO much work to be done…so much purifying. Why He tolerates me is beyond me.
People ruin their lives by their own foolishness
and then are angry at the Lord.
Proverbs 16:3 (NLT)
Anyhow, with 100% attitude and 0% humility, I burst in on my family members’ sleeping reverie at 6:30am and announced to them we were going to an 8:15am service 40 minutes away so they had 45 minutes to get ready. (What a treat to be greeted by a mom like that on a Sunday…sheesh!). We normally attend a service here in our town five minutes from our home that starts at 10:30am.
Sherwood Carthen was the special guest speaker and he delivered a message which God, in spite of my arrogance, used to slap me (lovingly) upside the head. The question that brought me to the end of myself was, simply, “What am I pursuing? Godliness? Or happiness?” (It is related to the question asked a couple of days ago and echoing in the empty corners of my mind ever since…”Is Jesus enough for me?”)
In my anger and frustration with the trials I am currently facing, with my threats to God about how I intend on handling what he has ordained for me, it is clear that I feel happiness is not only my priority pursuit, but it is my RIGHT. This is defective. I know this. Even on a day when I am dim and lacking sleep I know this. But God somehow moved in and exposed just how selfish and superficial my insistence has been that I have things MY way. This simply isn’t pursuing godliness. Not even close. Even when the things that I insist on seem good, godly, wonderful, biblical, and like God has given them to me. (OUCH!)
I was broad-sided — if tears were equal to repentance (they aren’t), then I would be in good shape for a 180 degree turn and transformational shift in my paradigm. I realize right now, so many hours after hearing the message, though, that I still have an attitude toward the Lord about the things that are going on in my life.I need to invite God to soften my heart and remove the calluses on my heart that are building by my rebellion.
What will I do with the message God personally made sure I heard this morning? I believe with all my heart that I am accountable for what I hear. Here is an outline of what Sherwood Carthen taught:
When Happiness is my Pursuit:
- Anything is ok – there are no boundaries, no limits (this addresses things I dared to “threaten” God with during the night!)
- It often ends in frustration and blame (I am blaming a whole bunch…when all else fails and no one else is around to blame, I have been blaming God…)
- God is not the priority – This one is trickier because it sure seems like “I HAVE made you my priority, God!” But I think it comes back to that old thing of making God’s gifts the priority. This can be subtle…very subtle. Even my “right” to a “quiet time”…that sounds so wonderful, but the fact is, quiet is a gift. A sense of His Presence is a gift, too. Do I esteem the Giver of the gift as much as the gift? If I don’t feel Him, or the Word seems devoid of feeling, will I still trust He is here and that is precious enough? Or do I insist that He “behave” in a way that meets with my approval? Who is God here, after all?
When Godliness is the Pursuit:
- The Spirit of the Living God changes the way you think – I really needed a change in my thinking in the wee hours of the morning…and I still need changes in my thinking…NOW. Pursuing godliness will ensure that I allow the HOLY Spirit access to my thoughts.
Donāt copy the behavior and customs of this world,
but let God transform you into a new person
by changing the way you think.
Then you will learn to know Godās will for you,
which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Romans 12:2 (NLT)
- Training for godliness is a priority – recently, I have begun to give more attention to fitness. Not in an inappropriate way (yet), but in a way that I believe is best for me. I want to be stronger and have better cardiovascular health. Am I making my training in godliness the priority (at least) that I am my physical training? I don’t just mean having a quiet time. But am I considering all of life–the moments that challenge me–an opportunity to train? I do this when someone does something that wounds me and choose what I will say or do in response. I have a chance then to “train” myself in godliness. Or do I “indulge” myself in doing whatever I want in those moments?
- contentment is produced – this is a sweet promise, and absolutely true.
Therefore, the goal in this life:
- …is NOT happiness. This is a no-brainer, really, but nevertheless, I realized as I listened that it was precisely what I had been insisting upon. I had elevated my happiness to the place of “idol.”
- …nor is it heaven (heaven is a promise for those who are in Christ).
These points ALL spoke uniquely and personally to my personal “bullet points” laid out for God during the late night and early morning hours. In fact, God couldn’t have responded more obviously to much of my tirade had he spoken audibly at the time.
How about you? Can you relate at all? Is happiness your primary pursuit like it has been mine? Have you found yourself frustrated and blaming others (or even, like me, blaming God)?
Let’s allow God to change our focus and our priority. He will change our thinking and we will experience contentment.
In what ways might this impact your eating or your view of your body? I know it definitely impacts me in this way!
