How clever is my pride How it deceives my mind To think I’m in control When I’ve really lost it all
How brilliant is my greed For what it says I need And then I’ve come to find I’m empty on the inside
Real My heart is aching to be real So I’m coming to you
With all of my broken motives All of my selfish dreams All of my foolishness Now I understand where it leads I want to be in Your love I want to be so much more I know You’re reaching out So what am I fighting You for What am I fighting You for
How quick is my doubt To leave my heart without The presence of Your peace So that I scarce believe
How battered is my guilt To crush the life You’ve built To keep me far away from any kind of change
Real My heart is aching to be real So I’m coming to you
With all of my broken motives All of my selfish dreams All of my foolishness Now I understand where it leads I want to be in Your love I want to be so much more I know You’re reaching out So what am I fighting You for What am I fighting You for
‘Cause only You can save me And only You can change me And only You can love me
Here I come, Here I come So I come to You
With all of my broken motives All of my selfish dreams All of my foolishness Now I understand what it means I want to be in Your love I want to be so much more I know You’re reaching out So what am I fighting You for What am I fighting You for
With all of my broken motives All of my selfish dreams All of my foolishness Now I understand where it leads I want to be in Your love I want to be so much more I know You’re reaching out I don’t want to fight anymore I don’t want to fight
Have you ever been called to a peculiar obedience? To something that just doesn’t make earthly sense, but you had little doubt it was something God wanted?
Now the gates of Jericho were securely barred because of the Israelites.
No one went out and no one came in.
Then the LORD said to Joshua,
“See, I have delivered Jericho into your hands,
along with its king and its fighting men….”
Joshua 6:1-2
I am not a part of any of the armed services. Never have been. But it seems to me that looking at Jericho “securely barred” would hardly be the time for the Lord to say, “See? I have delivered Jericho into your hands…” If I were Joshua or any of the Israelites at that moment, I would have said, “No, honestly, Lord, I don’t ‘see.'”
But have you ever been in a situation where you sensed that the Lord wanted you to believe him for a great victory? Where you knew in your heart–perhaps through a promise in the Scriptures or a godly friend’s encouragement or the testimony of the Spirit within–that God is up to something? The reality of that wonderful “something” wasn’t evident outwardly or visibly, but you had a confidence because at some level God had said “See? I have done it…”
What is it for you right now? Maybe it is that you will overcome some physical concerns–maybe this relates to your size for you. Or maybe you have an eating disorder and you KNOW that you will one day walk in freedom from it. Prayerfully consider what God is telling you is already done in His power.
I think I know what it is for me, but can I just be honest with you? A part of me is afraid to believe God because…well…what if I am wrong? What if it doesn’t happen and I have believed that He was going to do it? I get concerned that my faith can’t take a hit like that…so I end up refusing to believe God for the “really big” things. That preserves stunted faith. :-/
I wonder what would have happened if, instead of believing God and leading the Israelites to do likewise, Joshua had “covered for God.” What if Joshua hadn’t believed God when he said, “See? I have…” What if he had challenged God and said, “Nope. I don’t see. Show us….”
Instead of the usual and perfectly predictable “frontal assault,” God called the Israelites to do some pretty strange things:
“March around the city once with all the armed men.
Do this for six days.
Have seven priests carry trumpets of rams’ horns in front of the ark.
On the seventh day, march around the city seven times,
with the priests blowing the trumpets.
When you hear them sound a long blast on the trumpets,
have the whole army give a loud shout;
then the wall of the city will collapse
and the army will go up, everyone straight in.”
– Joshua 6: 3-5
What is up with that? Why the delay? Why the funky march each day for six days when God could have spoken the walls into dust? Why a shout and trumpets and all? I can just imagine being an Israelite warrior wondering, “And is that when I get to use my sword?” 🙂 Not this time. God called the warriors to leave their swords in their sheaths. Interesting…The walls were going to fall without them!
Are there walls that God is asking you to trust him about–walls between you and a loved one? Walls between a loved one and God? Walls between you and the Lord? Is he asking you to trust him that he will bring the walls down? Is he calling you to a peculiar sort of obedience in the meantime?
I am struggling with this a lot. There are walls between me and a loved one and between a loved one and God. In fact, a couple of loved ones. I really really want to believe God that he has won the victory and it is just a matter of time before I actually see it. Right now, though, he is calling me to a peculiar obedience, all right. He is calling me…of ALL things…to SHUT UP.
There is no nice way of putting this.
I am a woman of many words.
Words when I am joyful.
Words when I am sad.
Words when I am worried.
Words when I am thrilled.
The list goes on and on. In fact, someone I know and love and trust–a godly counselor–has exhorted me that I have trusted in my words as a functional messiah. YIKES! I think he has been right in many ways.
So, for now, I am supposed to do a silent march around “Jericho.” I don’t even get to blow the trumpet! 🙂
God wants me to be quiet…and wait…and to believe HIM (not in my words or in my ability to persuade). I call this a peculiar obedience because I am just sure God could *use* my help! 🙂 I mean, when the fighting men were told they didn’t get to use a sword, arrow or spear to bring the walls down, I wonder if they chafed a bit at the thought. What did they think about marching without using their weapons…the weapons that they were just positive were useful in a situation such as the very one in which they found themselves?
Well, you know the story.
When the trumpets sounded, the army shouted,
and at the sound of the trumpet, when the men gave a loud shout,
the wall collapsed; so everyone charged straight in,
and they took the city.
– Joshua 6:20
I wonder what the people of Israel thought about during those six days while they marched without seeing any obvious evidence that the city was going to be theirs? I wonder what they learned? Would the lessons have been learned if it had been 2 days instead of 6?
God is asking me if I will keep marching and keep focusing my eyes on what HE will do. The temptation is great for me to do what I have always trusted in…but this time I want to remain resolute to keep on marching–silently–trusting that God has given the city. It is a matter of time before I see it. HIS time–not mine.
How about you? Will you believe what God has said–that the walls will fall? Will you keep on marching and choose not to depend on what makes “sense,” but trust, instead, that following through on a peculiar obedience really will be used of God for the deliverance HE has promised? 🙂
My “boyfriend” 😉 for the past 26 years grabbed a pair of jeans from the Eddie Bauer outlet store shelf…placed them in my arms with other clothes he had selected. With a glint in his eye, he challenged, “…and try these on, too. But let me see you when you get them on!”
Didn’t my husband realize that these jeans–all of these clothes, in fact–were at least one full size smaller than any I have ever worn, even at my smallest? I have gotten XL shirts and tops for years. What was he doing handing me something with an “M” on it? And the jeans…didn’t he “get” that I am so much bigger than that? Didn’t he *see* that I wouldn’t look right in jeans of that style and size? How embarrassing this was going to be!
I miraculously slipped into the jeans (I now understand why stretch jeans exist!) and a top that he had selected and self-consciously emerged from the fitting room. He ogled me, which was uncomfortable on the one hand, but marvelouson the other hand! He said something about my “figure” and wearing fabrics and sizes to “show it off.” If his eyes hadn’t been on *me*, I literally would have thought he was talking to someone else. What he said, based on what he supposedly *saw*, didn’t match what I see when I look in the mirror. I wasn’t sure *what* to make of his compliments, but I decided that since God had ordained my matrimonial match with this man, I would go ahead and roll with it–and, perhaps, even enjoy it!
We had an amazing afternoon of shopping, purchasing more clothes than I have at any one time in forever…but ALL items that hubby specifically liked. Hmm…I could get used to this. If I ask him if I can shop for clothes, he sort of hems and haws about the money thing. But this time, I had coyly asked him if he would go with me and pick out a couple of things he might like…I ended up with a new wardrobe! SUCCESS! 🙂
When we got home, I made another appraisal of the things we had purchased–still surprised by the sizes and styles that he liked (are they making things bigger now? I have to think so!). I was struck by how differently my husband sees me than I see myself. I never would have guessed I was this wrong!
Months ago someone emailed me asking me to write a blog post about body distortion. I am not really sure I know what she meant, but I wonder if she meant that we sometimes think of ourselves differently than we *are*. I don’t know that I will ever think of myself as a women’s “M” – medium. I may always think of myself as a “large” woman…or Xtra Large…even XXL woman because I lived there so long. Based on what I discovered when I had hubby pick out clothes for me me…maybe my perception IS distorted. Maybe I am not seeing myself accurately.
Which makes me wonder about other things…How does Jesus see me? Do I see myself in a distorted way at a deeper level, too?
God made him who had no sin to be sin for us,
so that in him we might become the righteousness of God.
– 2 Corinthians 5:21
Do I “get” that I am not the “size” or “shape” that I have assumed? I am no longer SIN. Christ has done it all. He has won! He took my sin upon him so that I might BECOME THE RIGHTEOUSNESS OF GOD! This is far more amazing than being a smaller size than I think. As great as that may be, to really grasp that what GOD says about me is TRUE–that I am the righteousness of Christ–this blows my mind. What if I were to *live* like I *believe* God about this? That I believe this to be true?
How about you? What would it make if you were to see yourself as God sees you–if you were to believeGod? If you are in Christ, if you proclaim Him as your Savior and Lord, God says you *are* Christ’s righteousness!
I used to love to go to Kentucky Fried Chicken for lunch or dinner. With my rather hefty appetite, they had a meal that I could put away easily. “Two piece chicken and a biscuit, all dark, extra crispy with fries instead of mashed potatoes.” The extra crispy chicken recipe was incredibly yummy. Then, probably twenty years or so ago they changed it to a “new” crispy version. I haven’t enjoyed their chicken much since. “New” wasn’t better for me. In fact, I didn’t know why they changed it as the old way was awesome! Maybe God was saving me (and my heart and arteries) from myself. 😉 I didn’t eat it in moderation, certainly and that is not a problem any more!
So often, we prefer things the way they are. My husband and I tried a new Mexican restaurant last weekend and were disappointed. I remember saying to him when we got the bill, why try something different when the old tried and true is just fine?
I am so thankful that when the Lord chooses to do a new work in me, it is truly an improvement. It isn’t for no reason. It is “improved” or “bigger and better.” He seems to be in the business of new…quite frequently–even when I think things are “fine.” Even when I think things are “godly” and good…even excellent and God-honoring just as they are.
If you have been a visitor at my blog very often, you know by now that the theme that reverberates through many of the pages here is that of a new thing:
18 “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. 19 See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.
Isaiah 43:18-19
This season of my life is filled with a major, MAJOR “new thing.” I see now that I have been living with the illusion that things were “fine” as is. The old crispy seemed really good to me. It didn’t need to change. Unlike changing the ingredients in a favorite menu item, however, there is a boat-load of pain associated with the changes God is bringing in my life right now. He has, as it were, pulled a veil back…a veil I didn’t know was in place. In doing so, he has exposed the truth of my life–things that I thought were submitted to him, honoring to him, he has shown to be merely a veneer that has hidden the truth of what was beneath–things that had to be exposed.
I didn’t hide or choose not to see truth intentionally. In fact, it is still hard to believe how clueless I have been. I walked with God daily, my prayer life had deepened, I was involved in ministry, and writing what promised to be a wonderful new book 🙂 with a favorite friend, author, and mentor, Judy Halliday. This all came to a screeching halt as God seemingly surreptitiously, yet with love, drew back the shroud that had kept me lulled into a sense of self-confidence. He has shown me now how desperately I need him and that there are so very many idols I have looked to for meaning and a sense of purpose and identity–even while I thought I was serving and honoring him.
The pain of this “new thing” is almost beyond my ability to withstand. In fact, apart from the promises of His Word and leaning on the presence of His Spirit, I crumble. He is calling me to a greater dying to myself, a higher dependence on Him in the moment. Nothing is safe from scrutiny. I no longer can assume anything. I no longer trust myself and my judgment. I must lean on him for EVERYTHING.
Whatever it is that God is doing, is like birthing twin bales of barbed wire. And there are no guarantees what will remain when all is said and done and this season is over. I have every confidence that God will be Lord in a way I never have yet known him.
Whatever He is doing inside of me, it looks like chaos, but somehow there’s peace. This is true. He is doing a new thing. I anticipate that 2011 will be a year of much more change and transformation. I anticipate it with some level of fear, but also a sense of adventure. I know that His perfect love will cast out my fear and I will be left with something truly “new and improved.”
How about you? What new thing is God up to in your life? Is He calling you to release something old to be able to make room to embrace what He intends to fill your arms, mind, heart?
But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.
What is more, I consider everything a loss
because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord,
for whose sake I have lost all things.
I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ
and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law,
but that which is through faith inChrist—
the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.
I want to know Christ—
yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings,
becoming like him in his death,
and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.
Horses are amazing creatures. I have been blessed to get to live my childhood dream of having a horse–four times over. While I hope to find a good home for one or two of my horses, I love them deeply and God uses them to teach me things I might otherwise miss. This week has been a bit rough. My special boy, Harley (pictured here), has been “colicky.” For non-horse people when a horse is “colicky” it is different than it is with humans. It doesn’t just mean uncomfortable and with a need to pass gas. It can be symptomatic of something going on in the gut that will cost the horse his life. Harley hasn’t been eating much or digesting the food that he has been eating–he hasn’t been drinking and could be dehydrated. He could end up with an impaction in his intestines. A horse’s intestines can get twisted so easily…and before you know it, they can die.
It is odd really. Horses are used to convey images of strength, freedom, grace, power. Yet rather than being robust creatures, they are “frail” in some ways. They have specific nutritional needs, for instance. Even the way their hooves function–with tender, delicate tissue holding the hoof capsule and foot together–a connection that can be broken down with something as simple as too much sugar (grazing on spring grass, for instance)–betrays such tender balance between power and frailty.
As I have been on 24-hour alert for Harley this week, God has been whispering a deeper truth to my heart.
Lately, with the chaos in my life, I have grasped for control–of something, of anything. When things have “gone wonky” in the past, I have resorted to over-eating. Life is wonkier than it has been in my entire adult life and I am not turning to food to get me through. But instead, I have resorted to exercise. This may not sound “bad” or “wrong,” but I am a former exercise-a-holic. This is the first time I have returned to regular, rigorous exercise since my former obsession years ago. I have hesitated to do so…for the very reasons that I are now smack in my face. I tend to focus on the veneer–the strength, the “thin-ness,”–the things that are “good.” :-/ For three months now, I have been diligently, daily (even during my Disneyland trip) doing my “Turbofire” workouts.
This may sound so good…but don’t be betrayed by the veneer. Beneath the surface is weakness…fear…all the things that made me want not to return to this kind of exercise. Now I am hooked all over again. Freedom that I had is gone. I feel like an alcoholic who has fallen off the wagon! 🙁 While I appreciate the strengthening of my physical body, it isn’t worth the weakening of my spirit. I may appear “strong” on the outside, but I feel that, like horse, it wouldn’t take much for my “gut to get twisted” and to die. Emotionally and spiritually, I have died inside a bit with the emergence of this new physical strength and the compromises that have led to it.
Thing is…I don’t want to stop. I want to maintain the physical changes. In fact, I want more physical changes. :-/ I just want to be able to have my cake and eat it, too. I want to be really fit without my heart and mind being in spiritual and emotional bondage. Truth is, I am so incredibly weak emotionally. My biceps and abs may be stronger, leaner, firmer–they are only the veneer right now. Like Harley when he hasn’t been eating right and drinking, the strength of my heart and mind have been compromised–they are weaker.
Have nothing to do with godless myths and old wives’ tales;
rather, train yourself to be godly.
For physical training is of some value,
but godliness has value for all things,
holding promise for both the present life and the life to come.
– 1 Timothy 4:7,8
When I exercise, I get a false sense of control. I also enjoy the rush of endorphins which combats the melancholy that is biting at my heels. Exercise (firming muscle that is there) combined with imperfectly continuing to follow Thin Within principles has brought me back down to the size I was when I released all my weight previously with Thin Within (the Fall/Winter 2007). I don’t have a scale and I don’t know or care how much I weigh. I just pulled out my clothes from 2007 and am wearing them comfortably.
If I focus on size and appearance and functional strength, I can enjoy life a lot now in a way I couldn’t before. I am fitter than I have been since my marathoning days. My husband seems pleased. 😉 I really LIKE being able to do things I can’t when I am not fit. Being thin isn’t being fit. I love sports and activities and my life is rather active. The working out I am doing is making it possible for me to do the things I enjoy more effectively.
At the same time, though, I am disappointed that I have been duped, that I have given in, compromised, allowed a worldly, fleshly mindset to take command.
And isn’t that what we do? We tend to focus on the externals–people may be fit and thin and “gorgeous,” but what it took/takes to get and stay there…may cost them so much more than what they get out of it.
I am hoping to find a place of moderation, that happy “both” place. I know that many people can be fit and exercise and not have it be a functional savior…that is my desire and my quest.
How about you? Do you have a veneer of strength? Is there a weakness beneath that veneer? What does the Lord call you to do about it?
