A life surrendered is day upon day upon day surrendered.
A day surrendered is hour upon hour upon hour surrendered.
An hour surrendered is comprised of moment upon moment upon moment surrendered.
I may not be able to fathom the overwhelming notion of surrendering my entire life to the Lord. Gosh, even a day may be overwhelming. Many times, surrendering this hour seems impossible, too.
But a moment…now *that* I can do…this moment, Lord, I take captive for you.And now this moment, I take captive for you…and now this one…
Some say my anger at God about Daniel’s autism is misplaced because, while God has “allowed” Daniel’s autism, He has not “caused” it. This may be a logical result of a theological belief in God’s “permissive will” and God’s “perfect will.” I think the desire to believe that God hasn’t “caused” Daniel’s autism, however, may be because we buy the world’s reasoning that autism is a “disorder,” a “defect,” something “bad”–a “mistake.”
But I do not believe that autism is merely “allowed” by God. I believe it is ordained by God.
Those who say that God has merely “allowed” autism, or Down’s Syndrome, or other things that happen to make challenges for the parents assume these things are “bad.” Thus, God couldn’t cause it, but only “allow” it because God doesn’t do anything “bad.” We build our theology on how we categorize things. If we think something is bad, we can’t attribute it to God’s doing and have to find another way of explaining God as being sovereign while these “bad” things nevertheless happen. I think this is defective reasoning. I am not sure it is biblical. What if God ordained autism in Daniel’s life…not just “allowed” it, but actually hand-crafted it for his purposes… Maybe it was God’s “perfect” will…and not just a “permissive will” thing at all. I mean if we call that which God has chosen, ordained–that which he is very intentional about–and we call it merely “allowed” by God…I think we make a grave error! And we miss what God calls us to do with the thing! Perhaps this has even been my error all along and why I have been so angry about this for so many years (except for brief respites when I haven’t been).
So, I bring to Him my challenge in interpreting this (again). He formed and shaped Daniel in the womb, right? Then this isn’t about something God merely “allowed” at all…but something He formed and shaped. It isn’t a “disorder” and it isn’t a “defect.” It isn’t “bad.” It is divinely orchestrated and masterfully planned and put together. Daniel is God’s divine workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for Daniel to do. (Ephesians 2:10)
And my being Daniel’s mom is, too—planned, orchestrated, intentional.
So, then, I have to grapple with what to be, do, say, think, feel, and how to live accordingly. What am I missing about God’s perspective in this? What supernatural power am I not tapping in to? Where is the wisdom that he promises to give if we ask without doubting (James 1)?
I must come to terms with this.
I am called to praise God for the storm, if you will…not just with an act of my will trying to drum up belief that He will bring good out of it, but seeing good in it and praising Him for it. This is my calling, I believe. Not just to consider autism as being “allowed” by God…and sort of meekly acquiescing because I am backed up against a wall.
But instead, delighting in Daniel’s autism…sounds crazy, huh?
This is my prayer…that God will work in me so that I will thank God for Daniel’s autism.
I am grasping for what to be, think, feel, and say—how to be what God wants me to be in this…I am not there. I must press on, change, step outside of what I presume to be true.
Let me be so bold. I think God did this–Daniel’s autism–for us. I know it. I believe that Daniel’s autism is actually ordained by God…a gift from God…and that means all the pieces and plans are in His hands to present to us as He chooses, according to His divine will.
Yesterday, after I hashed through so many of my thoughts and presented them to God and wrote them up here, I turned to do the preparation for my live Thin Within group that a friend of mine and I lead on Wednesday nights. We assigned chapters 2 and 17 for this week’s assignment. Chapter 17…it is on gratitude. I will share some thoughts about that later today if I have the time.
But as I opened to chapter 2, God surprised and delighted me with what I read there. It struck me as if I had never read it and I felt God’s Divine approval for having poured out my heart. These are the words I read:
“…with the freedom comes a responsibility to be honest with God. When you are honest, He meets you and true growth happens.” (page 18) I know that I need to offer my struggles to the Lord. I know that discontentment is a sin and must be confessed. I also know that authenticity is invaluable. I simply will not stand for presuming that God is like an earth father in a dysfunctional family “You didn’t hear what you heard, you didn’t see what you saw, you didn’t feel what you felt, you didn’t know what you knew.”
No, my God is different from that. He wants my struggles presented to Him…like broken pieces of a much prized possession, I offer him the fragmented thoughts of my mind, the shattered remnants of a heart broken. He will do His will in me. I am willing.
This morning, during my quiet time, I turned to Stormie Omartian’s book, The Prayer That Changes Everything. I often use this book to help me focus some praying time on praising God, using the sample prayers and verses to pray in a way that focuses my heart and mind on lifting God up and bowing humbly before Him. I don’t usually take time to reread any of the chapters in the book. But today, I noticed that my book mark was in the chapter on suffering loss, disappointment, or failure and knew it was more than a “coincidence.” My eyes fell on two paragraphs. Both were highlighted and one had the word “horses” written in the margin next to it. …no… definitely *not* a coincidence.
I want to share what I read there.
Can you think of a situation in your life when things didn’t turn out the way you thought they would, and it was such a source of painful disappointment that you were devastated? A time when you had big dreams or expectations about something, someone, or some situation, and then you were painfully disappointed when it didn’t happen?
…
The only way to survive these times of great loss, disappointment, or failure and see a reversal in what is happening is to surrender them to God, lift your heart and hands to Him, and praise Him in the midst of it all. Thank Him tht He is all-powerful, all-loving, all-knowing, all-seeing, all-caring, and all-encompassing. Thank Him that he is sovereign and knows the end from the beginning. What we see as going wrong is often God’s opportunity to do something great in our life. Our disappointments, losses, and failures don’t have to destroy our future. When we worship Him, we invite Him to rule instead. When we praise Him in our failure, He uses transforming power to work redemption and restoration in our life. He is a Redeemer and can redeem our greatest disappointments…*
Last night, I read my blog entry to my husband. As I read the part about what I wanted from Harley, I knew that what I wanted from Harley and from Daniel both…is …”to be normal.” What a heart ache this is to me. And it bothers me that it bothers me. I know that perhaps Harley’s role in my life is to continue to bring to the surface the truth about what I struggle with relative to Daniel. In fact, one line that I didn’t include in my quote from Stormie Omartian’s book above…the last one in the second paragraph I quoted says, “We will never be disappointed in Him.” Now I don’t know about Stormie, but I have been disappointed with God a million times. Perhaps I have no business feeling that way. Perhaps admitting that makes me among the dregs of Christian society. But God already knows how I feel. I can’t hide it from Him. He can take it, too. Frankly, I don’t think an entire book called Disappointment With God could be written or purchased by enough Christians to keep it being published if others didn’t feel this way. Admitting it is the difficult thing.
Lord, I offer you my disappointment this day. You know my heart feels so numb. So detached, so uninvolved…so…hindered. I feel dead in my heart. Please revive me. I confess that I have always been disappointed that Daniel isn’t “normal,” and I guess I thank you that Harley keeps reminding me that a lack of “normal” *offends* me…disappoints me. Lord, as warped as it sounds, I choose to forgive Daniel for not being “normal,” and Harley for being…well…Harley, too. You have created both of them. While my commitment to and love for Daniel is vastly different from my commitment and love for Harley, I know there are some parallels. Please don’t let me miss what you want me to see. Do you want me to become the person I need to for Harley? Will that somehow help me to become what I must be for Daniel, for…you, Lord? I need you so desparately. Not just to show me this answer, Lord, but then if it is to persevere with Harley to rise to the call of leadership…and to help me cease being so passive with Harley and with Daniel…and in life generally, Lord. I sure don’t like the things I have seen surface, Lord. Please forgive me for my arrogance, pride, independence. Please forgive me for hardening my heart all of yesterday when I should have prayed more to you, confessed my constantly thinking about food to you…and asked you to show me sooner what was going on. Today, Lord, I want to be different. My heart still needs reviving. These feel like words…they don’t feel connected to my heart yet. I trust you will make that connection for me. In Jesus’ Name, Amen.
So what is up? Sunday I ate one meal to 6 and another one yesterday. Not only that, but I have had constant thoughts of food. In fact, last night, I obsessed about brownies! I haven’t experienced brownies being such a powerful draw in a long while.
I dug in my heels and refused to succumb to eating the brownie and ice cream (just a tiny bit…) unless I was at a zero. ALL EVENING I looooonged to be at a zero. I was LUSTING big time for that zero so I could have “My preciousssssss….” The zero never came and I actually considered several times having the stupid brownie anyhow just to “End the torment!” I realized that this was what I did over and over again in the past. I minimized the significance of indulging in “Just a tiny brownie and just a dollop of ice cream…” It isn’t even the food that is the issue here. It is my HEART. I didn’t want to harden my heart to the sweet voice of God in exchange for the insistent voice of the stupid brownie! Good grief! How is it that something like that could have so much POWER over me? :-/
I finally went to bed at 10pm (No, I didn’t eat the brownie), but no sooner did my head hit the pillow then hunger hit BIG time! AH! BROWNIE TIME!!!!!
That thought was followed by God stopping me dead in my tracks. My gentle, loving Shepherd laid it on my heart that while I could get up to go eat, that I needed to bypass the brownie. Why? Because brownies are evil? NO! Because brownies are not nutritious? NO! I had to bypass the brownie because I had to be master over IT instead of letting it own me! So, God convicted me that even if I ate (which I was free to do, even if it was 10:15pm by this time), it would be something other than the brownie. Ok, so I did not have a godly little attitude about that. More like “Wow, Lord…that is a total bummer…are you sure?”
I chose to fast that hunger to the Lord and go to sleep instead.
This morning, when I woke up, the first order of business in my quiet time with God was to look at just what has been going on with me! Why the eating to a 6 at Sunday’s lunch and again yesterday at lunch? And why the obsessive thoughts about the brownie? That isn’t freedom! So what is up?
God showed me in the quietness…in the stillness…the brownie has no power over me, but what did is feelings of rejection that I had at church on Sunday. I was deeply wounded and I hadn’t yet recognized that pain or given it a voice. I spent time this morning, sharing with the Lord the pain I felt about what happened on Sunday and then intentionally choosing to forgive the one(s) who I felt wounded by.
You know what? That act rendered a death blow to Brownie Obsession! LOL!
Funny how my emotions, even when they are not at the surface…can play a powerful role in causing food to seem like an answer when I am not hungry!
True confessions. I am currently praying about if I can have the freedom to develop some sort of routine workout program. I really don’t feel the freedom to just now. Sort of just doing whatever I am in the mood for is about all I feel the freedom to do…without turning my body (bleah) or self (yuck) or exercise into an idol and becoming ensnared again…I have come out of that in my past and don’t want to return to it. I am sure, in time, I might be able to do that in freedom…someday, but not today.
So below is my Busy Horsewoman’s Workout 1! LOL! I decided to have a little fun…Hope you enjoy!
