by Heidi Bylsma | Jan 2, 2008 | Blog
My accountability partner challenged me when she saw some “small” compromises on my hunger graph last week…could I string together seven consecutive days of eating 0 to 5 or between true physiological hunger and satisfaction?
She threw down the gauntlet. (I am pleased she did.)
Today is day 4 of managing this challenge. PRAISE you, Lord!
A few thoughts of things I am learning:
1. The little foxes spoil the vineyard (Song of Solomon 2:15)–the little compromises can sneak their way into our lives…and erode things. Enough of that! No more minimizing what can cut away at a root of holiness.
2. I have found that when I am committed to this, eating outside of these parameters just isn’t an option…period. How profound this seems to me.
3. The longer I have gone in practicing eating between hunger and satisfaction, the less obsessed my thoughts are with food. This is good news to many of us!
4. There is a brief moment of temptation. (There it is again…that MOMENT thing!) If I can just make a choice to set aside that temptation in the moment, to reject it…I have found that it passes. That choice is then followed by a number of other “brief” moments where the temptation isn’t present…and during those “brief” moments my heart is flooded with joy from the Holy Spirit because I made the choice to take that moment and thought captive and surrender in obedience!
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 24, 2007 | Uncategorized
In the summer of 2001, I began to work through the material in the Thin Again book. (This is NOT the Thin Within book, as the Christian version of that wasn’t published until 2002.)
I had read through Thin Again, but hadn’t processed the questions at the end of each chapter. I knew God was calling me to take time to allow him to heal me. There were reasons that I struggled with this cycle of eating, gaining, pulling myself up by my bootstraps and dieting, losing a lot of weight, only to start the cycle again. By insisting that it was all about my rebellious choice to sin (something that I felt WDW taught in error), I hadn’t dealt with some root issues.
God used the summer of 2001 to walk me through the valley of the shadow of death. I discovered that at the root of my tendency to overeat was bitterness, anger, lack of forgiveness. Many might not understand how these things could be attached to overeating. Throughout my life, I had experienced abuse and early on I had taken on some coping mechanisms for that. I had to own my responsibility for choosing behaviors that didn’t honor God, yes, but I began to see that there were underlying reasons this was something so challenging for me.
God gently but firmly led me to face into all the wrongs done to me…I journaled each and every occurrence of anything that I could think of that had wounded my heart. From my earliest years to just moments ago. Some might say this is self-indulgent. All I know is that God led me to do this. He led me to journal specifically that I CHOOSE TO FORGIVE EACH AND EVERY ONE. He led me to make this leap of faith…that he would enable me to do it.
In this, there was great healing. Because I chose with every painful memory to journal how each offense made me feel, I cried my way through that summer finding comfort and rest only in the arms of the Lord. Choosing to forgive, however, was like unlocking the shackles that had held me.
God used a Thin Again friend I had made in a Yahoo group to help me to go through this process…something that Thin Again calls “unwrapping grave clothes.” This precious sister was there to pray me through this process, to hold me accountable for pressing on, to spur me on to love now in the present, to continue to choose to forgive, even as I faced into past wrongs.
In all of this, I also had to choose to forgive myself for sins I had committed against others, against myself, against God. I know that 1 John 1:9 says that if we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of ALL unrighteousness, but somehow, I managed to resent MYSELF. I even resented God! Not only did I need to choose to let God be God (“forgive” him, in a sense), but I had to confess that arrogance to him as well.
As you can see, this is a multi-layered issue…thus the imagery of unwrapping graveclothes like when Lazarus stepped forth from the grave when Jesus raised him from the dead. The Lord was raising ME from the grave of past wrongs, bitterness, lack of forgiveness…and I needed the help of others to unwrap the graveclothes just as Lazarus did before I could experience the life that Jesus intended.
God did an amazing work through this. He established a truth in my life for me that I couldn’t deny. Almost without question, even now 12 years later when I revert to “that which I do not want to do is that which I do” with regards to eating, it almost always indicates that I am feeling wounded and am in need of forgiving someone. During that summer, I learned just how powerful choosing to forgive really is.
Today, if I struggle with rebellious eating, my current accountability partner knows to ask me “Who do you need to forgive?” It is a powerful truth in my life that bitterness, wounding, and lack of forgiveness are directly connected with overeating.
You can probably do the math, however. If I learned that in the summer of 2001, how was I at 250 pounds five years later–in the summer of 2006 when my “before” picture was taken? 🙂
More on that the next time…
Part 3 of Heidi’s TW Testimony is here…
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 15, 2007 | Blog
I praise God that His mercies are NEW each morning.
In my sin last night you know what? I got angry. Interesting how rather than humbly bow before the Lord, I would just cop an attitude and get angry. I can sort of laugh about it now…how like a spoiled child I can be!
I went to bed. That was a good move. I was tired.
I am up early this morning, planning to ride with my daughter on a trail ride…this day is new, stretching before me with possibilities to grow closer to the Lord.
I choose to forget what is behind!
I hope to write later today about how to pick an accountability partner since some of you have asked about that!
Then, in future “installments” I hope to post how to make it through the rest of this season without being like “most Americans” who gain weight this time of year! We don’t need to and we can still enjoy the holidays anyhow! I know it for a fact!
I praise you, Lord, that you have given all of us who are here, a new day, flooded full and overflowing with your new tender mercies. Thank you that because of Jesus, we can approach the throne of grace boldly to receive mercy and help in our time of need. Oh, how I need you today! Thank you that you are King, yet you are intimate with me. Thank you that you know me and love me and like the children’s story, The Runaway Bunny, there is NO place I can run where you aren’t there, arms open wide, beckoning me homeward. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made! Thank you, Lord! In the name of Jesus, Amen!
by Heidi Bylsma | Dec 10, 2007 | Blog
One of my goals for this go through of the Thin Within book has been to be more diligent in eating 0 to 5. This has included refining my hunger numbers. I typically have stopped eating when I am “No longer hungry” instead of “Just before too much.” I have been calling that a “3” though…what that has amounted to is that I “fudge” a bit at times.
Since that clearly has been a provision for my “flesh,” I have decided (not too long ago) to redefine that as a 5.
I also decided that this goal of “being more diligent about eating 0 to 5” would best be accomplished with the help of using the Hunger Graph.
Additionally, I have solicited the assistance of an accountability partner! I send her my Hunger Graph each day. She has been a tremendous help to me and won’t let me get away with justifying anything!
I have to say, a year ago, I don’t think this would have been helpful. But it is now. God alone knows why!
Yesterday’s Hunger Graph is below :
I had five eating occasions, as you can see. The first four were at 0. I did pretty ok until lunch and then “fell off the wagon” again later in the evening.
In talking about this with my accountability partner, it has helped me to see where I get derailed. It is emotions. I need to purposely invite God into my emotions. Yesterday I worked hard on developing a website for the lady who helps me with my horses (Melissa Pelletier…she is awesome!). I was frustrating myself and not getting other really important things done because of my stubbornness. I insisted that I could learn something, to figure it out…when the truth is…most who do that on web pages (I have found) have some sort of developer software that they use for it. I refused to “be beaten” by it…and I should have set it aside.
Anyhow, I got frustrated and decided to eat! Duh!
So, I am resolving to be deliberate about inviting God into my emotions. Here’s hoping.
by Heidi Bylsma | Nov 19, 2007 | Blog
Well, I am having some struggles with things…my body is acting whacko. Between that and a rebellious heart, I am misreading (or ignoring) my hunger and satisfaction signals. To combat this, I am going to do something I haven’t done much of in the course of my TW journey since 2001…The Lord seems to be leading me to pull out the “Temple Tool Kit” and use it for 10 days. At that time I will re-evaluate if I should continue for another 10 days (or whatever the Lord leads).
The pride and arrogance that filter back into my life so subtly can sure erode a willingness to ask for God’s direction and to heed it when I hear it. While the TW tools aren’t intended to be the voice of God, I feel like I will have some added accountability that way. While I haven’t been regaining weight, I wonder if my body being out of whack is partly due to my eating being out of whack…they feed one another.
I began faithfully giving my food and eating to the Lord early last November and released weight all through the holiday season. I know that He can remove temptations…but I also know that He fully intends to supply the strength needed to resist temptations as well, providing a way out each and every time I do call out, but the temptation isn’t removed… Therefore, I will use these tools to be honest with myself and with God possibly during this entire holiday season. My family has already begun to act like holiday time is a license to bring on MORE food! ARG!
Isn’t it funny how we use “holy” days (holidays) as excuses for indulging unholy lusts? Maybe I shouldn’t say “we”…but “I” instead….
Lord, I want to be set apart for you this “Holy Day” season…please help me to live as one who IS holy and set apart by you for your purposes. Help me to offer the parts of my body to you, as instruments of righteousness…my hands, my mouth, my taste buds, my stomach, my thoughts, too, Lord…Help my mind not to dwell on things of the world, but, instead on godly, heavenly things. Cleanse me, renew me, strengthen me. If any of my sisters here (and brothers if they are here) struggle in the same way, I pray these same things for them. Be exalted in our “holy day” preparations and celebrations. In the precious Name of Christ, Amen.
