by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 11, 2008 | Blog
Just a quote from what has become a favorite book…
Radical Gratitude by Ellen Vaughn, from pages 95-96:
For many, the call to repent conjures up cartoon imges of kooky killjoys wearing sandwich boards and shouting at harried people on the sidewalk. Even those who acknowledge the need to repent often think of it in terms of guilt, fear, shame, self-punishment, penance, and “trying to do better.”
But real repentance is decidedly different. It gives no guilt; it leaves no regrets. It is not about working harder to be good and not mess up. Real repentance is intimate, refreshing liberation, astonishingly powerful. It is not self-centered shame, but a God-centered gift of grace. Through it, we come to saving faith in Christ in the first place. Through it we grow in a lifelong relationship with Him.
…It means a fundamental paradigm shift: an inward change of mind after the Spirit’s conviction that results in godly sorrow for sin, confession of it that we might be forgiven, and a change in how we live.
Real repentance springs from God’s initiative, not ours.
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 10, 2008 | Blog
I am over committed. Over extended, stre-e-e-etched beyond my ability to cope.
How did I get here?
Every few months, my husband whisks our teenage kids off on a weekend trip and gives me three precious days alone. I typically use that time in retreat with God and, invariably, we end up looking at my time management…or lack thereof. :-/
Every time this happens, I end up apologizing, scaling back, finding a way to back out of things, cancel whatever I can until my life seems to appear to be more sane. It reminds me of the blackberry brambles I posted about earlier this summer. Hacking and slashing to cut it all back and make it manageable.
Problem is, beneath the surface is the healthy ROOT of the problem!
So here I find myself again…three months later…maybe six months later.
I find myself asking how I g0t here? Again… How is it I am overextended…again? This time it is worse than ever…more unanswered emails, more tasks promised and not finished…homeschool grading not graded, lesson plans not planned….house not cleaned…
I think I have it figured out…well, analyzed a bit anyhow.
This is what I have concluded…
My busy-ness is a product of the same character flaw as my overeating was. The same bingeing, gorgeing behavior that caused me to be heavy and sustain 100 extra pounds on my body has the same root as what I struggle with now–overcommiting myself.
I do not want to be still.
I do not want to hear what the silence may tell me.
Don’t get me wrong. I dutifully have a quiet time daily with little fail. I love bible study and my time before the family is up is important to me…but am I really quiet during my quiet time? If I am honest, I would have to say NO. I am busy filling in my blanks, analyzing, jotting notes, gosh, even journaling my prayers instead of BEING STILL.
When I was constantly eating a lot, I know it was to anaesthetize myself from pain…sometime the pain of just being aware of emptiness within. I believe that this busy-ness is similarly motivated. If I am so busy that I can’t really be still, then not only do I not have to cope with the truth…pain, emptiness, loneliess, but I also convince myself (false flattery, really) that I am significant.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that I am significant in God’s eyes. He has a purpose in mind for me that is perfect and very important! But if I am always too busy, too overcommitted to ask Him what HIS will is for this moment, this hour, this day, how will I ever experience his best? I am settling for, as CS Lewis put it, the mud puddles in the slum while I have been invited to the seashore for a glorious holiday! God’s best is so far beyond what I am doing in a feeble attempt to remain detached from my own heart.
It is time for me to be still…to truly be still and know he is God.
Odd, isn’t it, how this behavior that looks so very honorable in our society (that of being BUSY) really, at its heart, is a form of gluttony and sin just as constantly indulging in eating was/is? When God is not the director of my steps, my choices, the center of my life, I am out of his will. He is loving and eager to embrace me and restore me–there is no condemnation…but rather than treating the symptom, I think it is time to get to the heart of the issue…deeper still.
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 30, 2008 | Blog
Sometimes, I look at the statistics of who comes to this blog. It is always fascinating to see the referring links–the pages people were when they “clicked” and came here. Typically, this comes out of a Google search. One of the most common Google searches that cause people to land here at this blog is the search parameters “Is God Doing a New Thing?” or some variant of that.
This morning, I saw another search parameter that touched my heart…someone asked Google this question, “Does God Want Me To Give Up Everything?”
I picture the tender, seeking heart of the one who typed this in the Google search box. I wish I could sit down with this person and share what a wonderful God waits with compassion to meet his/her concerns with his love, grace, and mercy.
Precious One, if you wonder if God wants you to give up everything, let me share this with you from the bottom of my heart. I believe it with all my being and my experience bears it out.
God wants to dance with you…
Yes, God calls us to give up everything. But it isn’t so that He may be a Cosmic Killjoy…some super powerful, high and mighty, “wet blanket” on all that delights your heart! He doesn’t look down from heaven, waiting through squinting eyes for you to smile and then say “We will have NONE of that!!!” as he takes his behemoth thumb and squashes you like a bug! That is NOT our God!
The reason he calls us to give up everything to follow him is entirely different! Our Lord wants us to cast off all of that to which we cling so that we might be free to dance! Our God wants us to kick up our heels! He knows that earthly concerns and material goods to which we tend to cling, actually keep us from being able to sashay through life in his arms! GOD WANTS US TO DANCE! He has caused the fetters to fall from our ankles! The chains are off our arms!
The video below features a music group called “Mary Mary.” The song they sing is called “Shackles – Praise You.” God has been using this song to inspire me to let loose and DANCE with Him!
I remember years ago when my son was quite young, we were at a neighborhood park. No one was around–it was a weekday and we homeschooled–so the park was all ours! We poured all his “Tonka” trucks out of a giant garbage bag into the sand. Bulldozers, dump trucks, front loaders…we had them all! Daniel was delighted.
However, twenty minutes into his reverie, a busload of pre-schoolers showed up. Daniel began to panic. I could see it on his face. He earnestly scampered around to gather his trucks back into a big pile. He then threw his body over the top of the pile as he looked around at the “invaders” suspiciously. He was immobilized not only from experiencing the joy that he had known, but he couldn’t move at all. No amount of coaxing on my part convinced him to let go. He was so worried about his stuff that he couldn’t interact with the other children, share his toys, and continue to play!
How like me this is. So often I get wrapped up in the things to which I cling…I think *this* is joy…then, when I have a chance to increase my delight all the more, the fact that there is an *ungodly* attachment to my stuff is revealed. That which I have enjoyed even becomes so like a chain, holding me down. Like my Daniel, I CLING to my “stuff.” “Stuff” may be behaviors, patterns, material things, people, emotions…anything at all. It may not be something “sinful” or “bad” in and of itself. But my *attachment* to those things IS the problem.
God wants me to cast off anything that hinders me from experiencing his best! Not so that he can *necessarily* take it away from me…but maybe so that I can be free to dance! If I praise HIM for the things he has allowed me to have, be, do in my life, how much freer am I not only to enjoy His blessings, but to enjoy HIM–in ways that I can not even fathom!
When my SOUL is set free from earthly attachments, when I release (there is that word again!) these things to Him, I am truly able to soar…to become what God intends…to thrill to life abundant.
Jesus didn’t come just so we could “barely make it” through life. He says he came to give us ABUNDANT life! This is something qualitative.
Are you experiencing the abundant life that the Lord intended you have? Are you dancing with your King? He waits…he wants this dance!!!
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 29, 2008 | Blog
LOL! Simple…Lose weight by getting your hair cut! 🙂
Seriously…I remember the days when I attended meetings of a popular weight loss program. After a year, I was closing in on my goal weight (through obsessing about food and exercise, but that is another story!)…and I desperately wanted to make it to my goal at THIS particular meeting. I typically wear my hair very long…and it is relatively thick. So, at the time, I had a LOT of LONG hair.
Sure, I had toyed with getting it cut previously. But suddenly, my motivation to get a hair cut was intensified! So why get rid of any extra weight that my hair added? It might even be a couple of pounds! LOL!
For that particular weigh-in in *November*, I sported a new hair cut and cast off sensible winter clothing in favor of shorts and a tank top. I managed to hit my goal weight… during that weigh-in. VICTORY!!!!
Or *was* it?
Does this strike you as a bit silly? When I told that story to my kids the other day, my savvy daughter said, “I don’t know Mom. It seems like that is like missing the point.” Well, she is right!
That particular weigh-in is representative of my entire year (1996) pursuing a goal weight on that program. I missed the point that it isn’t just about losing weight. It *should* be about changing from the inside out. What I did during that year, only deepened my problems, in fact. I hit my goal weight long enough only to kiss the scale in exultation. Then I was off and running, rebounding back upwards again as the weight poured back on.
I missed it!
I believe that is one reason why Thin Within is called Thin WITHIN. It has to start there–within. It starts within with radical changes from the inside out. Over time, these changes occur inside of us…we begin to let go of things we have previously claimed as ours by right. We begin to release unmet needs to the Lord, release our disappointments, our wounds…our pain (and, yes…our food)…and begin to embrace His way, His will. It is there that we begin to step into all that God has.
It is a painful process and as we grapple with all God brings to the surface, we may NOT see results for 6 months or, even 6 years (!), in our physical body. This is where many people want to quit. They lament that it is too hard. It IS hard!
So, while it is true that the concepts of Thin Within are simple–eat when you are hungry, stop when you are physically satisfied–simple…they are not easy.
No way is it easy.
Usually the first thing people realize the first month into trying to apply the principles shared in Thin Within is that God shows them through this simple process that we turn to food for a million other reasons.
When we make it about weight, we short circuit what he wants to do inside of us…an eternal work.
Our physical bodies will be changed drastically by HIM when we finally enter his presence…either in heaven or when Jesus comes again. So my physical body isn’t the point.
Something inside of me is the point…that is an eternal work. Discovering that God is sufficient to meet my needs…beyond sufficient in fact. That He provides. That He answers my NEED…that he uses suffering…that he gives joy even in darkness if I will rest from anesthetizing myself with food long enough to let him!
As I relayed my story about my experience “losing weight” in 1998 to my daughter, she pointed out that cutting my hair like that or wearing summer clothes in the middle of winter before getting on the scale at the meeting was like going to the moon to lose weight. (The gravitational pull on the moon is significantly lower and, thus, would theoretically cause someone to weigh less–assuming you could get to the moon with your scale in tow! LOL!) My body’s physical size is likely unchanged appreciably!
She is right about that, too.
So, what are we focused on? Losing “weight?” Or releasing the habits, behaviors, patterns that cause our bodies to be a heavier weight than they should be? These behaviors and patterns don’t just cause us to be heavier physically. They also act as a wall keeping us from all that we could have spiritually and emotionally. Our extra physical weight is representative of the self-inflicted spiritual and emotional insulating barrier that has been erected between our heart of hearts and God’s heart. He wants to tear this down in our lives, but he asks for our cooperation.
There in is the rub. It is painful to tear these walls down, to….change…
I think this is why, instead of saying “lose weight,” the Hallidays refer to “releasing” weight. It is a release. As I release all of the things I mentioned earlier, I also release the extra weight.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want just to lose weight. I mean when I lose things, I typically want to find them again. But when I *release* something, it is done intentionally…with an act of my will.
I want to be intentional about this process and invite and welcome God changing me from within. Even if it takes 6 minutes, 6 weeks, or 6 years…or 60!!!
I hope that you don’t want to *lose* weight. You might want to *find* it again if you do that. It is my hope that you want to release weight…and that you will go to God to invite him to help you to release all of the things within that will enable you to, ultimately, release any extra weight you may carry as well. Don’t miss the point like I did for so long!
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 17, 2008 | Blog
Another valuable point that Kelly Minter made in the No Other Gods workbook that we studied this summer was the difference between “sacrifice” and “offering.” So often, when we deny self, it is easy to really focus on the sacrifice. There is pain there. Especially if food has been used to medicate in some way. If you are an “emotional eater,” you know what I am talking about. If your emotions rage and you struggle desperately to submit your lure towards food in that emotional hour to God, it HURTS. There is an ache. You FEEL your pain so much more completely than you do when you stuff it down by eating food.
I remember times when my husband would go out of town. It was the end of a long day with the children and I felt SUCH loneliness and exhaustion. It was during those times that I felt my pain most accutely. It was like any and every sad or dark thought would plague me. I would console myself with food–which didn’t really work at all.
Overcoming this behavior has been a huge part of my “Thin Within” journey–actually, my journey to become more Christlike.
Kelly points out in those moments when we choose to take captive our minds, our hearts, our behavior…and to say NO to the flesh, NO to indulging, NO, in this case to eating when we aren’t physically hungry, we tend to think on the sacrifice we are making. The emptiness, the giving up…and we sit there in that pain. Sometimes we don’t sit there long before we change our minds and decide the sacrifice isn’t worth the pain.
Kelly points out that if instead of focusing on the sacrifice, we take all of our pain, our feelings, our aches, our emptiness to God and offer it to Him, make it something we choose to offer to God out of love for Him, that it will change things quite a bit. I have found this to be true. There is a lot to be said about my focus.
Like with my previous blog entry, distinguishing the difference between surrender and trust, there is a definite distinction between sacrifice and offering. The sacrifice is focusing on my lack. The offering is focusing on God and giving something TO Him.
This shift in my thinking, while subtle, has a PROFOUND impact. I hope you find this encouraging too.
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 15, 2008 | Blog
This summer, a group of us who live in this area (from a variety of churches) took Beth Moore’s challenge at the Living Proof Ministires blog to be in bible study. We studied the workbook Beth suggested, No Other Gods by Kelly Minter. It was an incredible time.
Some things that Kelly taught have been resonating in my mind throughout the summer and continue to now–we had our last study in this workbook on Tuesday. I want to share a couple of these things here on the blog in the days ahead.
One of the points Kelly made that really struck me is how so often we see “surrender” as a noble, godly goal. And it is. But I also see that surrender can become resignation. Almost a Christian “Eeyore” way of saying, “Well, all right…you are God and I am not.” While there is most definitely truth in this and benefit in accepting that God is God and I am not, resignation seems to focus my attention on what I am giving up, what I am leaving behind. With this focus, comes a deep and painful awareness (sometimes) of the void. There may even be a resentment that comes…ever so subtly.
However, if I move my focus from what I have relinquished to what may be yet ahead, from surrender to TRUST in the Lord, that He IS sufficient, that he will, in essence, provide the ram in the thicket when I lay my Isaac down…then there is, again, a massive change in how I perceive my act of “surrender.” Rather than the despondency and painful void resulting from giving something up, I look ahead at what God will yet do, what he will supply, provide…how he will fill that void and then some. Or like Kelly quoted from Deuteronomy (I think it is)…God brings us OUT of a land of darkness to bring us IN to His land of promise.
When I shift my focus from surrender of what I have clung to in the past to trust in Him for what will be today and tomorrow, I sense a joyful anticipation. I know that my God is faithful. In His time he WILL do something beyond all I can ask or imagine.
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 12, 2008 | Blog
Yesterday, I heard a song on KLOVE that I don’t like especially well, but a truth shared in it sort of came home to my heart in a fresh way. The Lord calls us–the church, His people–His “Bride,” His Betrothed, His Beloved. Jesus is the Bridegroom.
I wonder…if I related more often to God as Lover and myself as His Beloved, if it might not revolutionize how I approach food, eating, denial of self, and …well, everything?
In my experience, “parent/child” relationships have not been the most positive. I do, of course, hope that I have offered my children a different experience than my parents offered me. If I relate to God as parent and myself as child, given my earthly experience as a child, it is no small wonder that my willingness or desire to surrender, to trust, to choose what He wants instead of what I want chafes, grates, BUGS me.
I have been blessed with a wonderful husband. I can really identify with the Beloved/Lover relationship. In my relationship with my husband, I am chosen out of all the women in the world, cherished, protected, nurtured, provided for. When my husband desires change for me, I have no question that it is with my best good in mind. It is because he honestly longs for me to experience the best God has in mind for me.
With my parents, I wasn’t safe, I wasn’t cherished or chosen. I was an inconvenience and not accepted. I was an extra expense. When they wanted change for me, it was because I annoyed them or worse. (I know that God used my childhood for my spiritual formation and I can actually thank Him for it now!)
I have voluntarily read books about being a better wife. I have attended seminars and workshops, led and attended bible studies on the subject. I have *wanted* to change. My motivation has been because I have no question of my husband’s love and, as such, I want to be my best for him. I want to honor him, esteem him, understand him, respond to him.
In my role as child, I never read a book, attended a bible study or seminar, or even cared about how to be a better child. I had no motivation…not even fear of my parents could motivate me to truly change. If there appeared to be any changes, they were external only. In fact, I might hold it together for a brief while, but rebellion was brewing beneath the surface, read to explode in an opportune moment.
I know my husband delights in time spent with me. We love going to lunch together on Sunday afternoons, or riding the horses together out on the trail. Even just hanging out together on our back deck enjoying the evening and talking. I respond to this kind of relationship. God knows this.
In His Word, God says that He chose me before the foundation of the earth. In love He predestined me to be adopted–to be chosen. He says I am for the pleasure of His will. In Zephaniah, I am told that he delights and rejoices over me with singing. The psalmist tells me that the King is enthralled with my beauty. He calls me to come away to the wilderness with him.
When I resist God’s call to me to let go of food (when I am not hungry) and to allow Him to be enough, I think I am relating to Him as parent and myself as stubborn, unwanted, unapproved of child. My earthly experience sets this up to be something that isn’t positive. I hold it together for a while…the “changes,” though, are external. Then KABLOOEY! I rebel for all I am worth. Sure, those “Kablooey” moments may not be the all out binges like in the past, but I see them as they are…a direct “IN YOUR FACE” to God…something I might do to my earthly parents, but would NEVER feel in my relationship with my husband.
I wonder…might I experience something new in my relationship with the Lord and what He wants to do in my life if I stopped feeling like the child all the time and started relating to Him as Lover? Some might be horribly offended at this thought…saying God IS Your Father. Yes, He is. But I wonder…perhaps I must extend grace to myself. Is it possible that one of the reasons God gives us so many names for Himself or so many characterizations for Him is because He knows that our human experience is bound to blemish any one of them at any given time? He even characterizes himself as a mother nursing her baby…something I can only identify with in the most wonderful way. And as a bird gathering her young beneath her wings…and as a shepherd gently leading the sheep who have young lambs tagging along. Perhaps the Lord, who is ALL of these things, intends that I might adjust my perspective so that I can truly rest in knowing, serving, living in Him in whatever characterization(s) that most speak truth to my heart.
For now, I delight that He has given me a wonderful husband who God has used to bring home to me that God relates to me as His Betrothed, His Beloved…I get that. I follow it. I love it.
Today, when I reached for something when I wasn’t hungry, I heard the familiar self-rebuking “You shouldn’t have that.” It was the child hearing the voice of the parent…which caused me to instantly get my dander up. Fortunately, I was able to take these truths home to my heart that God caused me to write in my journal this morning. I chose to change how I viewed God in that moment…from unapproving (which he isn’t, of course) parent, to loving, passionate, caring Lover. When I thought of my Lover, my Bridegroom, asking me to let HIM satisfy what really was lacking instead of turning to food in that moment, I was able to respond with an open heart and open arms… “Absolutely, Lord. I am yours. Your will be done.”
The difference was HUGE to me.
Thank you, Lord, for showing me this today.
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 4, 2008 | Blog
Just moments ago, I was digging through my hard drive trying to find space for my DisneyWorld videos and photos. I found the following entry from an online journal at a friend’s website. I wrote it five and a half years ago. I wonder if anyone can relate to this? I know I can right now:
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December 20, 2002
Gosh, I hope that those of us who have been battling discouragement don’t quit. I have been in this place. I seem to live in it, in fact.
Recently, however, God is bringing home a new truth to my heart. My life on earth is not about my life on earth. Does that make sense? It is about closeness with the Lord. I am learning that God wants MORE THAN ANYTHING for me to press in to HIM. To cling to Him. To know Him.
Sometimes, I have valued the blessings of THIS life more than I have the value of knowing HIM. So, when (if) I behave myself, I seem to expect him to do his part.
But…I don’t think he will–or he doesn’t *have* to. He is an untamed God–unpredictable. Yes, he is loving and wonderful and compassionate and all the things the bible says, but I can’t make him (compel him to) do things in my life that I want. When I expect that and he doesn’t, I get disappointed, angry, mad and even begin to take on a different view of his character.
So, I let go of my assumption that if I let go of food I will someday be svelte. You know what? I think that has been an idol for me. Even being healthy…that goal has been an idol for me.
I want to know Jesus and him crucified…I want to know the power of sharing in his sufferings. I want to count ALL things as loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Him.
I have finally realized that my battle with food, my body, self image and on and on are not about my finally “getting it.” They are about my knowing Christ. I would never have sought him so much if not for this struggle, but because I think he isn’t doing his part (making me lose weight since I am jumping through the right hoops, for instance) I have allowed that to distort my view of His character. No more. Now I will let go of my insistence that I control what HE does by my “obedience” or my behavior.
Instead, I will trust that He is God. He is good. Knowing HIM will satisfy that emptiness…not just now but for eternity. It doesn’t mean I won’t continue to try to eat less, but my goal will be to know Him. To lean into Him, rather than to live a certain way so God will bless my efforts. I don’t believe that is biblical. I have been in error. I find that as I recognize this, confess it, and look to God to reform my life perspective, the pressure IS off.
I have been singing with a CD about Him being more than enough…yet until a few days ago, I was so mad at Him that I couldn’t imagine finding Him satisfying ever again… Letting go of the thought that “If I do this and this and this then God will do this and this and this…” really has taken the pressure off. It has freed me up to see HIM. To draw nearer to Him and in that place I have been finding he IS truly satisfying.
My compulsion for reaching for food has diminished. Now I LOVE him again. When the compulsion rears its head I want to cling to HIM. I want to KNOW Him more than I want the taste of a favorite food in my mouth.
– *Repentant Rebel ~ (working on it in Christ…) Phil 4:13
(* Repentant Rebel was my screen name during that season…)
by Heidi Bylsma | Aug 2, 2008 | Blog
Hi, everyone. My 14 year old daughter and I have been in Orlando, Florida with a dear friend and her daughter. We got here last Sunday and will arrive home in California tonight. We have had an absolute blast!!! Pictures and video to come. I actually volunteered during the Indiana Jones show to be “an extra!” I got to be a citizen of Cairo! SUCH FUN and definitely not something I would have done a couple of years ago.
The most challenging thing about *that* experience was the person taking volunteers had each one of us state our name, where we are from and then she asked us to imitate a specific Disney character. I have a real “issue” with Minnie Mouse–can’t stand her. LOL!!! Of course, she asked me to giggle like Minnie! I about died since my friend, her daughter, and my daughter all knew that I do NOT like Minnie Mouse! So, in front of 100s of my “closest friends” I actually GIGGLED like Minnie Mouse. Good grief! Ok…that was DEFINITELY out of my comfort zone! LOL! I could just picture my friend cracking up about that one.
My friend is someone who I “met” online about eight years ago in a yahoo group. We developed our friendship as God led us together (she lives in Tulsa) to process the material–of all things–in the Thin Again book. The book encourages us to get assistance in “unwrapping graveclothes” and Jan was the one that God chose to assist me with that process. We have been dear friends ever since and occasionally get to go cool places together. This was the first time that we have done something THIS big and WONDERFUL with our daughters, though!
God is good. This trip has testified to that. My eating has not been stellar, admittedly. I got swept up by my own vulnerability due to being so tired (poor baby–I played TOO hard this week! :-)) but I am back on track today.
We have a seven hour flight ahead of us–no connection. So, we are packing provisions for the trip–you know, those wonderful TEASER foods. EEK! I will be MUCH in need of some serious PROTEIN when we land tonight in Sacramento!
“Talk” to you all later this weekend (if I don’t catch up on sleep instead!)!
