Who am I Believing?

by Heidi Bylsma | Jun 4, 2007 | Blog

I have just finished watching video session 8 in Living Beyond Yourself, a Beth Moore bible study that is available online. I wanted to share something that is applicable to my walk as I seek to give the Lord food, eating, self-perception…Beth encourages us at any point in time…or maybe as we have been studying spiritual warfare and taking our thoughts captive, we could use these thoughts to do our battle:

WHO AM I AGREEING WITH? Satan, who has a mouth full of lies or God who is reliable, trustworthy and true? We know by how we live who we are agreeing most with. If we are agreeing with God, we will live victoriously on a consistent basis. If we are defeated on a consistent basis we are believing the enemy on a consistent basis. It is as if we are agreeing with the enemy who accuses us: “You are right, that IS who I am..this is the only way I will ever be…”

—–

I just feel convicted that today, I will not agree with Satan. Will you join me? Let’s reject his lies and embrace the truth of the One who paid the price for us to be free.

As Jacki Barineau says (a friend who has released 116+ pounds), “Jesus laid down his life for me, will I not lay down a little food for him?”

Believe God.

Reject lies spewed by Satan.

rambling

by Heidi Bylsma | Jun 3, 2007 | Blog

Well, this is ridiculous. I am feeling flat out sorry for myself and there is chocolate everywhere. So am I living in the freedom that God has shown me for the past however many months? No. Instead, I am eating it…without much care given to a “soft heart” or 0 or 5 or whatever else.

I have bronchitis (and a fever tonight), poison oak that I seem to have gotten from the dog being out in the backyard (hubby removed it all today), and to add insult to injury some of the ulcer meds aren’t being covered by my insurance. Good grief! I am just flat out complaining tonight!

I know that God wants my thoughts…he showed me with horses last weekend what he wants for me. He showed me this week in a very practical way, too. I am acting like I don’t learn so well, though. It is like the lessons he works on with me aren’t “sticking.” What is up with that?

Well, enough of that.

Yes, I love the triple chocolate cake, the Ben and Jerry’s….and yada yada….I keep meaning well. Helloo???? I have been practicing a hard heart so it sure seems like that is what I am creating. Practice makes perfect. Bah humbug!

Time to observe and correct. Confess and repent.

Yes, I am a BIG SWEET A-HOLIC, but I thought I was done with that forever. Nope. Apparently, not so.

You know, someone once warned me that walking in victory, we are just moments away at any time from slipping back into our old ways. A little pride, a little apathy, a little decision to choose our own way and presto…I could wake up 70 pounds heavier again wondering what happened and how did I get here? Been there, done that!

NO WAY. I choose NOT to let that happen.

One lesson the Lord has been trying to show me…fear is the opposite of faith. This is an interesting concept to me…Beth Moore brought it to the forefront in my Living Beyond Yourself bible study and my horse showed me how true it is in practice. When I am fearful of Harley (my horse) and how he might act, I can’t act in faith. Acting in faith with him brings confidence that, as I remain steady for him, he will have a change in thought and action…and be ok about things when he is with me–calmer, happier. When I stay steady in faith as I work with him, being certain of what I hope for and confident of what I do not yet see, I keep with things and there *will* be a change for the better…I can’t be fearful in that situation. Given fear has eroded my horsemanship over the past 2 years, this is profound to me!

But this is true in my Thin Within walk, too. I have wondered if I should shoot for releasing another 10 pounds or not. Or, because I like multiples of 5, another 11 (bringing my total released to 75). That has such a nice sound to it….but there is pride again. What if God doesn’t want that for me? (I wonder if my desire is “faith based” or “fear based!”)

I can tell pride has a hold of me not only because of my crazy behavior with eating all the stuff, but also because I have been evaluating what the best “After” photo would look like. GAGAMAGGOT! Is that not PRIDE? Is that not ARROGANCE? God has exposed it and I will reject camping there. If he wants me to have a photo taken so people can compare and be encouraged, that is one thing and I trust he will make it evident. But for me to parade around like I am such a hot ticket…goodness. That is from the pit of hell. Pride goes before destruction and a haughty spirit before a fall. No wonder I have found myself face first in the triple layer chocolate cake!!!! God wants me to see how easily I could return to where I was before HE rescued me! I must return to my gratitude blog…gratitude makes it next to impossible to be pride-full.

My thoughts are rambling tonight. I am sick…guess I said that already…

I need my bed I think.

64 Pounds Released! YAY!

by Heidi Bylsma | Jun 1, 2007 | Blog

Today was weigh in day. With the weird month I had…bloating up 12 pounds, my GI tract all sploogied and the ulcer and all…well, I wasn’t sure what today would bring. I have felt a bit like I am floundering.

But the good news is that I am down 64 from where I began in November.

The thing is, I really need to learn to listen to God and heed his voice. I tend to minimize that it is really his voice, I think. When my body was reliable (before the ulcer), things were so concrete. Of course, I *thought* I was listening to Him then, too. Maybe now he is showing me that I was really turning 0 and 5 into a law instead of tuning into him. I know this is part of what this is about. Now I really have to evaluate if my flesh is working overtime to deceive me or if I am hearing from God. I am not doing so well with this.

While it hasn’t resulted in any wanton rebellious eating or anything, it still bothers me that this is where pride lurks. MY way. Even subtly…I don’t like that.

I want not to minimize the involvement God wants to have in my life.

Proof of Change!

by Heidi Bylsma | May 24, 2007 | Blog

Yesterday I decided I had better get a blood test now instead of waiting. Some ulcers are caused by bacteria and can be treated with antibiotics. It sounded like a great idea to FIND OUT NOW!!! The pain can be so intense at times.

So, I decided the spur of the moment on Monday night to go to have my blood test. It didn’t occur to me until I was on my way early Tuesday that…I was *fasting* for a blood test and hadn’t even PLANNED for it!!! In the past, I would have eaten until LATE the night before…all manner of things…in my panic and fear of being hungry the next morning without the ability to eat or drink, I would be sure I ate until midnight!!!!

Instead, I had been rather nonchallant about it. This speaks of incredible healing. Even as I was waiting in a FULL waiting room for the tech to call my name, I sat there without panicking. Even though my stomach was sore from the stomach acid beginning to agitate the ulcer. It was stunning to realize that I can BE hungry now WITHOUT panic. God has healed me in a huge way. To not even think about it ahead of time…wow. Thank you, Lord.

I had another moment that indicated some healing too. It has been a while since I had a HUGE soda cup, but I guess that I decided that I would have one yesterday morning to sip on all day. In the past (when I drank them at least once a day), I would go to the nearby convenience store, fill up the cup and as I drove, I would wedge the cup between my right hip and the elbow rest in the middle of my front seat as I drove. It would sit there comfortably and safely without falling over and be accessible for sipping on, too. 🙂

Yesterday, I tried negotiating the cup in the same place and it just wasn’t working right. I couldn’t figure out what the problem was. I got a bit irritated as the cup is a size that doesn’t fit in the normal drink holders. Of course, I should have NOT been so greedy and gotten a SMALLER size (duh), but I was still baffled about why I couldn’t wedge the soda cup in my usual place. Then it hit me…my HIP isn’t quite as BROAD as it used to be…so there is nothing there now to WEDGE the cup between! WHOO HOO! If that isn’t a great reason to have that “problem!” LOL! Cracked me up in fact. Thank you Lord and yes, Lord, next time I won’t be so GREEDY about the soda!!!! Who NEEDS that much! 🙂

A Variety of News

by Heidi Bylsma | May 19, 2007 | Blog

News…

Harley, my horse, is being treated for worms that may have caused him to colic…encysted strongyle larvae or something like that. Melissa is going over and above the call of duty in trying to get him to eat and drink…Today I saw him to trim his feet and he is doing much better…looks better.

Bo,my dog, does NOT have heartworm and is now on a heartworm preventative. He does have bronchitis and so he is taking an antibiotic in the hopes that if it is bacterial we can knock it out of his system. He is also on a wormer for intestinal parasites. I have noticed him being much more playful than he has been in months and think he is feeling better! YAY!

My other three horses have been picky about eating. Not sure what is up with that. It has me a bit concerned. I am supplementing their hay right now to be sure they get enough to eat. They are all ribby. My horses are typically fat, if anything.

I have a pretty nasty case of “pain in the rear” if you get my drift 😮 and also an ulcer. My symptoms sure happened all of a sudden. My weight escalated 12 pounds in about as many days…that caused me alarm. I felt like someone was inflating me. Yes, I was gassy, and bloated, but it didn’t make sense that I should have that much water or gas or whatever on me so suddenly. I was struggling with pain in my stomach…it could only be alleviated by keeping a tiny bit of food in my stomach…not much, but some…and definitely NOT my husband’s salsa!

The upshot, I have an ulcer! Never had that before!

Today I went to the doctor and she is treating me for all of the above. Here’s hoping that the pain will go away. Today, I found I could find a place of approaching 0, catching it just before the pain got too harsh, eat to about a 3 and stop…and select only foods that wouldn’t rip into my stomach.

I have been struggling with why all of this stuff has been happening. It seems almost like a cruel joke for me to feel PAIN when I get to a 0. So…for now, I will trust that God is going to renew my heart and mind, change my view of this, show me blessing somehow in it…and that I will get off the extra weight…I simply refuse to go back to my former way of life because of discouragement.

This TOO is a new thing! I can be “derailed” to the tune of 12 pounds in a short period of time, but so what. That does NOT spell the end of the road. I can release it again, even if it is real weight and not merely water weight.

All for now. Time for bed!

Abba Met Me This Morning…

by Heidi Bylsma | May 16, 2007 | Blog

This morning, I faced the task of getting Bo, my dog, to the vet’s. When I woke up early, I managed to have my quiet time…a much needed time of being still and knowing that God is God…

The Lord met me so tenderly and kindly in my place of such extreme need.

I began my time with my Thin Within workbook. I am on Day Five of Week 5. Immediately, I knew that it was no coincidence that I had this lesson today. I was greeted with this question:

“Is it tempting to revert back to the old way of eating…?” God used this question to really clarify what I know and have known all along…that way leads to death! Why would I want to “go there” for temporary pleasures given the long-term negative effects? It was good, given my tantrum about hot fudge yesterday, to be reminded of this.

Then, further down the lesson, this passage was one I looked up and spent time journaling about and praying over:

Hebrews 10:19-23 says
Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

God has granted me the privilege of having confidence to enter the Most Holy Place. This is astonishing. I can draw near to God because of what Christ has done. I can do this without doubting, but having full assurance. He will cleanse me. But the part that really struck me was this:

Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful.

God clearly is calling me…it is clear. I have been professing hope since November…that God does work wonders through the biblical principles that Thin Within has brought to the forefront. He is calling me to hang on…in spite of the trials I face, the temptations to drown myself in hot fudge…to cling to him and the hope that I have been proclaiming. Why? Because HE who PROMISED is FAITHFUL. Not because of me…not because of MY testimony, but because of HIM. He IS FAITHFUL. I am to cling, hang on…to UNSWERVINGLY hold…because of HIS faithfulness.

Wow…

Then I turned to my Living Beyond Yourself (by Beth Moore) study. It was precious how God met me there, too. It was week 7, day 2 “Cords of Human Kindness.”

This lesson is a wonderful reminder of some of the character traits of God that I often forget. I was reminded of a variety of verses that speak of the warmth and love that God has for me, such as Zephaniah 3:17: “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.” God used this to meet me where I was this morning…I could have allowed my thoughts to run away with me and panicked about taking Bo to the vet’s, but this verse and the prayers of friends were used by God to instill the “peace that surpasses all understanding.” It was amazing.

Beth speaks about these verses in Zephaniah: “The context which leads to this precious portrait of God’s tender heart and nurturing Spirit is the calming of a child’s fears by his father (see vs. 15-16). These verses beautifully illustrate that blessed moment in which God’s throne becomes a rocking chair and He pulls His fretting, fearful child into His arms and says, ‘It’s OK, I’m right here.’”

Isn’t that just precious how God met me this morning with this lesson? I was so touched!

Beth goes on to say, “Oh, beloved, do you know God as parent? Do you allow Him to nurture you? Do you take Him your fears and your fretting and allow Him to hold you in His arms and cover you with His love?”

My answer to these questions would have to be…well…erm…no, not like I could.

Another verse that I was reminded of was Hosea11: 3-4. “It was I who taught Ephraim to walk, taking them by the arms but they did not realize it was I who healed them.”

He led them with cords of human kindness and ties of love it says in the passage.

Beth says, “Imagine God teaching His children to walk by gently stretching a cord between Himself and them, then tying the cords securely at each end so the children will not get lost. The cords were kindness—the tenderness of God’s heart—and the ties which bound them together were His love…the nurturing of God was their healing, whether or not they recognized it as such!”

Beth points out how readily we seem to relate to God’s sovereignty and severity rather than His tender mercies. But I must allow complete truth to envelop me…. I must allow Him to re-educate me about Who He is…that He is GOOD, KIND, NURTURING, LOVING…not just RIGHTEOUS, JUST, SOVEREIGN and so on. I *am* thankful he is those things…but he is also so tender.

This morning, how precious it was that He met me with that tenderness. Thank you, Lord.

The Struggle

by Heidi Bylsma | May 15, 2007 | Blog

Good grief. It’s raining—no, pouring—and it is 80 degrees outside. What I mean is everything is happening at once. Ok, I know that none of this is a surprise to God, of course. (A good little Christian girl is supposed to say that just before having her tantrum…Here comes the tantrum…) Good grief…what is He thinking? (Do you see the pride and arrogance in my comment?…How far the “mighty” have fallen, huh?)

Let’s back up…so the contrast is right here in living color in front of us.

* Between Mid-November and May 1, I released a truckload of bad habits, unworkable beliefs, “issues” and 62 pounds besides.

* I went from a size 22+ down to a size 12 on a good day. (Are you impressed yet? :-/)

* My blood pressure returned to normal without meds any more.

* I no longer “use” caffeine to get through the day or over-the-counter sleeping meds to help me sleep at night.

* My walk with God was on the upswing… he was teaching me so much…and it seemed like there was no way I could ever return to that place of darkness, habitual sin, captivity. I just couldn’t imagine it and though I was somewhat fearful of daring to hope, I did anyhow… “Has God delivered me?”

Today, here it is…as simple as this. I am struggling with:

· Imagining how, after homeschooling my kids most of their lives, where the bazillion dollars for their bourgeois Christian private school will come from for the fall.

· Grieving the close to the season of life I have had with my babies being home with me. Oh, how I will miss them. I really enjoy them so much of the time. There is so much challenge ahead…it is taking everything in me to do this.

· Tomorrow, I have to somehow get my wolfdog rescue into the car to take him to the vet where he will have a battery of tests. I don’t know if he has allergies or cancer…or something in between…like heartworm. But he is 10, does NOT travel well, let alone cope with new situations well…He doesn’t do leashes, he doesn’t do cars, he doesn’t DO vets. How are we going to manage this? Let alone cope with the expense and heartache of whatever is wrong with him.

· Meanwhile, my horse who is away at training is colicking and possibly has stones (enteroliths) in his gut causing impaction…he could die from this and now he will be going to the vet on Weds. to have radiographs. The money needed will be horrific, let alone the fact that while he isn’t feeling well, his training is at a standstill, even though we are paying for him to be there. He could die, or will need surgery to the tune of $3000 to $5000 now and if not now, will we wait until he has a problem and needs emergency surgery for a greater expense? Good grief….

· My daughter has to have 5 teeth pulled and braces and since there isn’t any retirement money for that (the retirement money is going for the kids’ bourgeois Christian private school tuition I guess), I guess we will sell stock options or something from Bob’s work to pay for those…(Maybe we should sell horses…erm…nevermind…)

· My daughter is wigging because she can’t handle seeing ME stressed…

· My son is self-absorbed…(did I say I enjoy my kids now?)

· As I type this, my kids are PICKETING me for “being unfair” in banning a computer game that can no longer be played in our home…(I am not kidding….)

My response to this:

All I can think of is hot fudge sundaes….lots of them. I want to swim in them. I want to guzzle them. Whipped cream dripping…the rich kind…the full fat kind. Slivered or chopped almonds everywhere….and since my stupid stomach can’t handle more than probably 5 bites of the stuff even if I am hungry, somehow, I would need to find a way to keep eating and eating and eating without ever feeling sick to my stomach. Ooooooh, how badly I want that….

What is really ironic is just a few days ago, dear sweet Judy Halliday who has only heard all the GOOD stuff…all the things in the FIRST bulleted list…asked me if I would share my testimony at the TW conference in June. Oh my word. Well, this sure isn’t a good testimony to share. I can share about how shame has jumped on my back again so quickly and easily. Or how the pride that I thought was shaken loose has its claws in me causing me to think *I* know best…better than God. Bruuuuther. What kind of testimony is that?!?!?!!?

So, just after paying the much-larger-than-I-expected and how-will-I-tell-hubby registration fee for the kids’ school at the private school, I suddenly swerved the car to the freeway onramp (I think it was a magnetic pulse in the earth’s field…yeah, yeah…that was it). Resolute, WE were going drive an hour to the old-fashioned ice cream parlor where we used to occasionally go…and haven’t been in forever. My intention was to buy my own humongous HOT FUDGE sundae with EXTRA EVERYTHING (well, no cherry…I don’t like cherries) and the kids could share one, thank you very much (they aren’t cheap after all). Something possessed me to call my husband as we went to tell him about the plans for Harley to go to the vet and one thing led to another. I told him where we were going. Rather than laugh it off, he told me I would regret indulging in the sundae…the nerve of him! I asked him: “Even if it is my dinner?” He told me he knew I would. Nuts…I knew he was right and that shame would get an even tighter hold on me… and I pulled off the highway and back on to an onramp going back the other way…. my kids clearly disappointed from the backseat (they are almost 13 and almost 15, so their disappointment can be loud, obnoxious and extremely convincing). Of course, they begged me to resume the course we had been on before hubby had breathed sense into me. No…no mongo hot fudgers.

Instead, I swung by the home of the golden arches for them to get their fix of ice cream and I abstained—didn’t have a single bite of the oreo McFlurry. All the while my thoughts of how virtuous I was were being squelched by the truth of the matter—I was STILL lusting, coveting, fantasizing BIG time for a delicious hot fudge sundae. My heart was still a million miles from the Lord and HIS way. Nuts. (Chopped almonds please…)

Instead of ice cream (which we know is lawful, but in this case, God said NO WAY), I settled for a caffeine free diet coke…which seemed ok to me. Since getting home, though, I have been hungry and fed the hunger a graham cracker with peanut butter (dipped in milk) and a teaspoon of whipped chocolate frosting. Good grief.

I can’t call any of this a victory. Ok, maybe I can, but only a “comparable victory.” It still demonstrates that I am not normal. Normal people don’t fantasize about swimming in hot fudge sundaes dripping with real rich whipped cream and almonds sprinkled everywhere…and never getting full so they can keep eating and eating.

So much for having a raving testimony to share with conference-goers in June.

Thing is, the struggle isn’t past. My dog still has to get to the vet somehow tomorrow and still may end up dying there and my horse may still die of colic or require a $5000 surgery and my kids will still be ripped out of my home (hard to say it that way when it is the Lord who has insisted and done the “ripping”) and the money still has to be found for that, too, oh..AND the braces and 5 teeth to be extracted…and my husband is sure to go ballistic as he tries to pay for everything which is freaking me out…I can’t handle it when he stresses about money. It just totally freaks me…

I still want hot fudge sundaes. I wish I could say I didn’t.

Please…NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW!!!!!

So what about numbers?

by Heidi Bylsma | May 11, 2007 | Blog

Some of you might wonder if I have come back from the backslide. LOL! I figure I better share.

Yes, God has a hold on me.

But there are some things I get to cope with.

I stepped on the scale today and while I hate to admit it, somehow, the number was TEN pounds more than my lowest weight on May 1.

My dieting mentality out of the past would send me into a tizzy about this.

Fortunately, though, I don’t buy that for a moment. I happen to know that my weight is always quite a bit higher during certain times of the month. I will weigh again on June 1 and count that for sure.

But I know that in the past, seeing that sort of LEAP upwards almost overnight would cause me to freak out…major panic. Major panic brings with it major discouragement and major rebellion.

But GOD IS DOING A NEW THING (have I said that before? LOL!) and so this time, it just isn’t so. First of all reality…my clothes aren’t fitting like I have gained 10 pounds! So I choose to think the scale is doing a number on me and that Satan is hoping I will cave in.

I also don’t NEED the scale to tell me that my priorities have been out of whack. Even before I got on the scale, apart from any number telling me so, I knew that I have eaten outside of godly parameters lately…but only for a week or so, if that!

So what about the number on the scale? Well, I think I will blow it off. Yes, I will. Why? Because this isn’t about weight even though in my flesh I may want to make it be about my weight. It really isn’t. It is about my walk with the Lord. The scale doesn’t really weigh that at all. The Holy Spirit living in me tells me the truth about that. So that is the *scale* I will heed..the scale of the Spirit who weighs my choices and brings godly conviction.

Yesterday and today I have handed this aspect of my life back to the Lord. No, not perfectly, but I am listening to His voice again and responding in kind. One step at a time is all he asks of me.

I am so glad that God isn’t like me…I lose my patience with myself so easily. God’s long suffering is…well…loooooong…suffering! LOL!

Thank you, Lord.