I don’t know if this blog gets any visits, but I know this…a picture speaks volumes. So I will spare typing up volumes today and just share photos. The photo below was taken last summer before I was willing to offer my eating to the Lord. I obviously, am the one on the left. Tried to hide behind a horse, but it didn’t work.
BEFORE
The photo below was taken by hubby this morning. The scale this morning indicated that I may have released 44 pounds since November. That would be wonderful, but I know these things vascillate a lot. I just know that God is doing an amazing work. It truly is a new thing.
DURING – In Progress
I found these shorts some time ago when I was cleaning out my closet. I figured I would keep them to remind me of where pride and arrogance can take me. I was busting out of these shorts literally (I used duct tape to hold them together!!!), before God got a hold of my heart. I was worried about dying of a heart attack. I work hard here to take care of horses and kids…my life doesn’t allow for being sedentary. Problem was, my body wasn’t able to healthfully support the lifestyle.
I had even stopped riding my horses because I was concerned about their comfort.
Add to that the huge barrier I had in my life between the Lord and me…there was little peace and little joy.
Well, I said I wouldn’t write copious quantities of verbage today…so I will shut up now.
I meant to post this a few days back…after I had a “blinding flash of the obvious” (BFO), but I haven’t taken the time, yet. So I may as well now.
In Thin Within, for those who don’t know, “flesh machinery” is basically something that sort of kicks us into an unawareness of eating…it is something that sets us into eating. Like for some folks, when the DVD machine starts playing a good movie, there is a call for popcorn and soda. This happens whether we are hungry or not.
PMS is a common one. We use it to justify eating red meat or chocolate or whatever else. Even if we aren’t hungry.
My husband goes out of town a lot and that used to be a “flesh machinery” for me…eat for comfort as I miss him! Running errands (we live a ways away from anything) meant the drive through for milkshakes or more…and the list goes on and on.
Since God has been working on me from the inside out, so much of my flesh machinery has been rooted out and, I believed, cured by the Lord.
A couple of weeks ago, however, I discovered one that I had never thought of before, nor had I thought I possessed. Weather!!!
Here in California, we had the driest January on record in over a hundred years. We had glorious spring weather. I am a fair weather gal through and through. I enjoyed going riding and being outside a lot, as well. Suddenly, things changed DRASTICALLY! We got hit with a deluge of three days of rain. The entire three days, I spent EATING! I couldn’t figure out why such a departure from giving this to the Lord. I wondered what had set me off!
Well, it was flat out doing what I wanted when I wanted, but I wondered what had flipped the switch.
After the storms passed, I was able to take a step back and evaluate a bit. I realized, as I did, that the storm had resulted in a truckload of intense emotions. Here where we live, on the side of a steep hill, rain means a mess down yonder with the horses. It means blanketing the ones that can’t handle the rain, wind and coldness. It means feeding is a mess. It means worry…it means extra work…and add to that, I just don’t LIKE gray skies and rain! If I could have it my way it would be 80 degrees ALL the time!!!
Michaela, my daughter, and I had found a recipe for friendship bread starter on the web a week earlier. Bad timing! We baked the bread during the time of the storms. It seemed SO “homey” having freshly baked cinnamon sugar friendship bread (even with almonds and granola in one loaf!) during the storm. That combination of stuff sure set me off.
So when these latest storms hit us this past week, I was prepared and prayed for by others. I asked them to lift me up in prayer. I have prohibited the baking of friendship bread for a while! LOL!
Let’s kick some serious Satan bottom….WHO IS WITH ME!
I am sick and tired of giving ground to the enemy and why? All because I like the COOKIES more than GOD???? Hello? Does anyone think this is as stupid and ludicrous as I think it is? What is going on with me when I act like that?
It blows me away the birthright I give up for “stew”….good grief. Someone else has been there and done that and has the race t-shirt to remember it by and I think he wishes he did it differently. I think his name was Esau…..
I do NOT want to run a race like Esau….
“Oops…wait. I know you have a victor’s crown in store for me. I know I am more than a conqueror in Christ. I know that you died to pay the price to set me free, Lord. Your blood was spilled out to pay for my pardon. But….GOOD GRIEF…there are freshly baked brownies over there! You won’t mind while I take off on this rabbit trail for a day or two and enjoy eating them until I am sick or they are gone (whichever comes second), will you????? And that pizza…yes, I know I can have it in moderation as I am free in Christ, but one piece isn’t nearly as tasty as 5 pieces!!!!!! (A lie that I seem to enjoy believing.) So the finish line with the victor’s crown, the victorious Christian walk, the living in freedom, the walking free of shackles…all that will just have to wait while I stuff my mouth with more cheese enchiladas!!!! No offense, Lord, ok?”
I get the hint that God wants me to get it. This verse was in the TW workbook for today’s assignment. From Hebrews 10:19-23
19Therefore, brothers, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22let us draw near to God with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. —-
Then, when I went to my homepage, which I have customized, it said the bible verse of the day was this same verse. So, ok…let’s have a look at why.
Because of Jesus’ sacrifice and acting as the Great High Priest, I can have confidence to approach God. My relationship with Him has been purchased and provided for by Jesus. I can draw near to God…I don’t need to keep him at a distance…and I can receive the cleansing I need from my guilty conscience for ANY sin. He is faithful and just to forgive me of ALL unrighteousness (1 John 1:9).
I am being called to cling unswervingly to the hope I have been professing. *I* am not the one who needs to be faithful in order for this hope to remain the hope that it is. It is GOD who is faithful. My hope of glory is CHRIST IN ME doing the work, renewing my mind, changing me from WITHIN.
Yet the Lord longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the Lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him! Oh people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious he will be when you cry for help! As soon as he hears, he will answer you.
—-
What a WONDERFUL passage. It speaks to me fresh.
The Lord longs to be gracious to you…
I still wonder why I wouldn’t just drop my head and come to Him. He LONGS to be gracious to me. He waits…why would I keep Him waiting? The word “gracious” means to show favor. Yet I put off coming to Him….go figure!
“…he rises to show you compassion.”
The word “rises” means exalted. I find that fascinating. He is exalted when I come to Him and allow Him to show me His compassion. Again, why do I put Him off? Why do I wait? Why not surrender? Yield? Submit?
“Compassion” is also translated “mercy.” The actual definition from Strongs is “to love, love deeply, have mercy, be compassionate, have tender affection, have compassion.” All of this amazing “stuff” is ready to be poured out on me when I come to the Lord. I can come to Him ANY time. I don’t need to wait. There is no need for me to put it off. His kindness is waiting to be poured out.
For the Lord is a God of justice…
Wow. He calls all of that “justice?” It reminds me of the line from a song. “The beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.” It really is true. Justice would seem to require that I pay for my OWN sin, but because Christ paid for all of my sin–past, present, future–God considers justice, giving me mercy, compassion, grace. If this doesn’t blow the mind, I don’t know what does!
Blessed are all who wait for him!
“Blessed” is also translated “happy.” Isn’t it funny to think that God wants to give me “happiness?” John Piper does a great discussion of this in Pleasures of God,
“Wait.” This is fascinating. This word is the same exact word used in verse 18 where it says the Lord LONGS to be gracious to me. It is almost like this passage says, “I long for you, won’t you long for me, too?” Once again, God’s precious heart is displayed…so tender.
Starting again. Dieting mentality says you wait until the next day to start. Thin Within says any moment can be a new beginning. Actually, God says that. 🙂 Last night I had more dinner than I needed. My dieting mentality said I needed to have protein to make up for the overabundance of carbohydrates that I had had. Hellooooo. Anybody home? That was silly!
Anyhow, I did my restart last night about 7pm when I brushed my teeth and announced to myself I was done eating! Good grief!
I think part of the problem is the Amish Friendship Bread we have been making. I honestly tried to tell myself that there was no moral implication to having one thing over another for breakfast…and that I could have the bread for breakfast guilt-free, but for MY body, starting a day with carbs seems to set me up for failure. I need some protein in the morning. That is just the way God has wired me I guess.
Anyhow, it isn’t about the food. Here I am focusing on the food. It is about the heart. I want my *heart* to be surrendered to the Lord…
New beginnngs…His mercy are new each morning (actually, even more frequently than that).
When I was reading the Thin Within book in November and December, God really impressed upon my heart the value of gratitude. When pride rears its ugly head, gratitude expressed to God puts pride in it’s place. It is very hard for pride to live and be fed, when God is esteemed as the author of all things, every good and perfect gift, success.
I think that my resolve has eroded or something (yesterday didn’t get much better even after I posted) primarily because I have focused on mySELF. I know that focusing on the Lord will lift this burden from me and bring things back into perspective. HE is my strength. HE is my satisfaction. HE is my sustainer and Deliverer.
I am grateful to God that He has put people into my life to walk with on this journey. God has used the most unlikely means to turn me back to Him back in November and I am so thankful that He is willing to do that…to go to unlikely measures to accomplish unlikely things. 🙂
My husband and kids are extremely supportive. I am grateful to God for that, as well. I know that He has moved in their hearts as well. I am so thankful to God for that. My husband and my daughter, in particular, are affirming and encouraging.
Well, I will take some of my gratitudes to my personal offline journal :-). But I know this is a key. It is tough to get on the path of my performance when my focus is on the Lord. If I stay off of the path of my performance, then I won’t be fixating on MY success, MY body, MY choices, MY food, MY clothes, MY weight…yada yada. I will be all about GOD. That is what is missing.
I am not really sure what is up with me today. I feel so disheartened. I am still feeling bloated…that doesn’t help me to figure out hunger, but I also have been “searching” or something today. It doesn’t help that I made some wonderful Amish Friendship Bread with granola, nuts and cinnamon sugar on it. Eating that for my lunch isn’t exercising much by way of discernment. I wasn’t hungry at all, either. Or if I was, it was hidden by the fact I was feeling bloated. Bleah…
As I look back over the day, I think I started by feeling “guilt.” Instead of processing my guilt–rather conviction— by taking it to the Lord and observing and correcting (confession and repentance), I just stewed and allowed the Accuser to just use it to beat me over the head. I mean, I haven’t eaten very much at all today (relatively speaking), but I haven’t invited the Lord into what I *have* been eating. That is not only NOT what I want…I NEED to be intimate with him in this area of my life–in ALL areas of my life…but it is also what got me to a place I never want to return again. VERY overweight and miserable!!! I refuse to derail all that God is doing!
So, I guess I was feeling beat up by my own “club of condemnation” and I got out my Dance Praise and began to do that…about 40 minutes into it, I really hurt my arthritic ankle. This happens every now and then, though it hasn’t happened in a long while. It makes it hard to use it at all even for walking let alone “dancing.” So I stopped. I was bummed about that, too.
I think a part of my unconscious thinking was that I would somehow exercise to make up for any “boo boos” I had made with my food. Man alive!!! This is totally DIETING mentality! As I sit here typing this, I am processing it…and seeing it for what it is…good grief!
God forgive me! Lord, I submit myself to you right now, in this moment. I want to be what YOU want me to be. I want to walk in all YOUR ways. I know that if I trust in the Lord with all my heart and don’t lean on my own understanding, if in ALL my ways I acknowledge you, You will make my paths straight. That is all I have to do, really…just CHOOSE you. You even work in me to be willing to do that!
So, Lord, I choose you. Forgive me for not inviting you into my eating/drinking/everything today. I confess (observe) and repent (correct). I choose to turn away from mindlessly doing whatever I want, even if it seems “mild” and choose to follow YOUR leading. It isn’t the eating that is necessarily the sin here…it is rejecting your guidance, your leading, your hand. I identify it now as sin, confess it as such, and gladly, joyfully receive your forgiveness and empowering for the rest of this minute, this hour, this day.
Holy Spirit, please flood all the empty places in my life. Fill me up again to overflowing! Cause your truth to penetrate my heart again and keep me focused on the TRUTH, not on lies. I rejoice that you have revealed the Truth to me. I am free to live according to the Truth! Thank you. Let me believe God and what He says about me…and to LIVE, CHOOSE, ACT like I believe what I claim I believe!
And I pray, too, for my ankle…that it wouldn’t hurt any more. As quickly as the pain came on, I know you can make it go. Please do, Lord. But if you don’t, help me to learn from you what you want me to learn during this time. Help me never to depend on exercise again to lose weight. You have shown me in so many ways that I don’t need to do that. Exercise is something I do because of the great joy you have given me doing it and also because it causes my body to be healthier…I don’t want to do it so that I can eat more.
Thank you for your patience, kindness and that it is your kindness that leads me to repentance. In repentance and rest is my strength. I choose repentance and rest….I know you will take care of being my strength.
“…for in his own eyes he flatters himself too much to detect or hate his sin.” Psalm 36:2
This verse penetrated my heart. I have been so excited about releasing the weight and feeling like I LOOK so much better…talk about pride! It is one thing to celebrate God’s amazing work (and to keep on, as the work isn’t completed…). But it is quite another to flatter myself by repeated glances in a mirror…”Oh, my! I *am* looking different!” or returning to the closet to try on those smaller jeans…again… “Almost! Won’t be long now before they fit GREAT!”
Becoming captivated by my “progress” is arrogant, conceited and prideful. It also, according to this verse can keep me from detecting sin…which continues to need to be rooted out.
I posted some time back about how I am to do more than merely avoid sin. I am to HATE sin. This verse speaks to that. If I am so busy flattering myself that I don’t detect my sin, then I won’t HATE sin either…
I need to “break camp” and not stay put here celebrating.
Time to “forget what is behind” and to “press ON.” There is MORE ground to cover.
I AM thankful for all God has done, but I want to see what OTHER new thing God is doing!
I found these shorts some time ago when I was cleaning out my closet. I figured I would keep them to remind me of where pride and arrogance can take me. I was busting out of these shorts literally (I used duct tape to hold them together!!!), before God got a hold of my heart. I was worried about dying of a heart attack. I work hard here to take care of horses and kids…my life doesn’t allow for being sedentary. Problem was, my body wasn’t able to healthfully support the lifestyle.