by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 10, 2007 | Blog
The Holidays are almost upon us…before we know it, there will be harvest parties, Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and all the associated festivities and opportunities for tantalizing our taste buds.
So…what will we (I) do this holiday season? Will we choose to gain weight like most Americans (and Canadians…LOL!)…”Statistics” say that the majority of Americans gain…EIGHT POUNDS during the holiday season…
OR, will we DELIBERATELY choose to be different from the masses?
Will we enter and sail through the holidays with buoyant spirits and continuing to release weight? Or will we have heavy hearts and consciences and heavier bodies?
It is a choice we make. Every moment of every day…
So…what can we do to prepare for this season?
What will we do?
* When someone brings us “treats” they baked “just for us?”
* When we want to give baked goods straight from our kitchen to others and just want a “bite” of dough…and another…?
* When we are at parties and church events?
* When Christmas cookies and pastries are everywhere we turn?
* With the hustle and bustle of the season that causes many of us to have emotional turmoil and we know that we tend to be emotional eaters?
* With all the fat machinery present during the holidays?
What are your plans? What can your plans be?
God never intended for us to be tormented by food!
Answering my own questions (sort of…more of a meandering monologue…):
My concern for the holidays in my own life…is….
…how will I handle the desires, the lusts, really, of my heart to have “it”…whatever “it” is. Can I ever be free from that kind of lust? The sinful lustful way my flesh longs for various foods? See, to me, even if something is acceptable to eat…if my heart is in “covet” mode, I want to shut that down. I don’t want to feed my sin…I am seeing this as never before…Crystal Munson’s talk on Gluttony helped me to see this…that it isn’t about the food, or the bites, or about 0 to 5…or my body…it is about the sinful heart and the sin…and choosing to capture my thoughts, to take them captive “even when I am at a 0!” …In each moment, my need to have Jesus cleanse me and change me.
Just today, I caught myself LUSTING for zero!…I caught myself or rather the Spirit pointed it out…and I was saddened at seeing the truth about myself. Here I am with a so-called “success story” of how God has removed all this weight…He really *has* done amazing things in my life, but here I still am…struggling with lusting for a 0 so I can have a certain food… Is it acceptable for me to eat that at 0? Yes, absolutely…but do I want to allow a heart issue like that to go by? No… The true “success story” will happen when I no longer react to food like that…
I am just amazed at all that God is pointing out to me about my covetous heart…whew. It floors me. After all this time, you would think I would have grown beyond this…I praise Him that he meets me not with the club of condemnation, but with welcoming arms. His kindness leads me to repentance…indeed it does.
by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 8, 2007 | Blog
This is amazing…in a yucky way. I feel SO drawn to that scale in the closet in my daughter’s room. I mean, I really do. I look in the mirror right now and think I see my belly pooching out…and feel like I MUST weigh myself! This compelling URGE is disdainful to me and truly exposes how I have leaned on the scale for approval and more…
I can’t even pretend right now that I won’t give in. I guess I want to know if not weighing myself each day “works.” Boy…if that isn’t flawed thinking…
The other part of me says, “No, it isn’t flawed thinking. If I did weigh right now, and my weight was lower, then I could testify to that fact to everyone and they would know God is at work and we don’t need our scales…” Bruuuuther…. And I go on in my thinking, “And if my weight IS up, then I better know about it and DEAL with it right now!!!”
Now the logical question is…are my clothes fitting as if I have gained? No. They are still loose. I have thought about buying the next size down jeans. I live in jeans and mine are still baggy, but in a way (see the battle going on?), having BAGGY jeans feels like I won’t KNOW if I am pushing my weight back up…not until 10 pounds has been gained! So, again, I am left justifying it…bleah…
So, the other logical question is…have I been submitting my eating to the Lord? Well…yes and no. I haven’t been having Oreo Milkshakes…the food I have been fasting from as a demonstration of my freedom… I did reach for a single Oreo yesterday and put it back. That is huge…I had decided that it wasn’t a compromise to have AN Oreo if I was hungry and I was…but then when I grabbed it, I realized that deciding in that moment that it was ok, was not wise.
But in my other eating, I feel like I have eaten just a bit more than I had been…Instead of stopping when I am not hungry any more, I have eaten to that place just before I go beyond. I haven’t eaten over a 5, but it has been more food than I typically eat. For me, the feeling of food in my stomach isn’t very comfortable. Even though I can’t call it a “6” or uncomfortable, I don’t like that feeling. So I *had* been calling “no longer hungry” or more like a 3 my stopping place and even naming it a 5 for me.
But the past 3 days or so, I have been rationalizing that since that isn’t REALLY a 5, I can keep eating…
So maybe, my anxiety and even the nightmares I have been having about my size, food, and weight (I can’t believe I am having NIGHTmares about this stuff!!!) is a product of my Holy Spirit dwelling conscience saying I haven’t been submitting to the Lord in the way HE wants. If I were to repent, observe and correct, DO what I know I should, maybe I wouldn’t feel this compelling urge to get on the scale which…when I boil it down is STILL about:
“Have I gotten away with it?”
Hmm….
I wonder now…what will I do with all of this?
by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 7, 2007 | Blog
Hey, all…I had a thought. You know how, in Thin Within, we have a new term…”Release” instead of “Lose” weight? The “scale” is the hunger scale instead of the bathroom scale?
Well, what if we were to redefine yet another term? What if we took the term “trigger” and instead of using it to describe something that sends us into a binge or eating outside of the 0-5 parameters, we were to refer to a “trigger” as something that sets in motion a series of things that we are *intentional* about…making *godly* choices about?
For instance, someone I know of refers to having a “trigger” each week…a visit from her mother who has just been to see her therapist to help her through some intense difficulties. (I don’t know about you, but I have found I need a therapist after seeing a therapist!) I guess this friend’s mom likes to “debrief” with her daughter. These visits are always tough… My friend referred to this weekly visit from her mom as a “trigger” for out-of-control eating. I have also heard others refer to certain foods as “trigger” foods.
How about if we decide that something…the food or the phone call..whatever it is for you, instead of being a trigger to set off overeating, is actually a trigger for a set of intentional Spirit-led behaviors?
When (or after) I get the visit, for instance, I will:
* turn on worship music
* write out in my journal 10 gratitudes
* pray for 5 people that God lays on my heart
* call a friend in need
* go for a prayer walk
…and so on… we could actually set up a Godly routine that would be “set in motion” by the “trigger.” Does that make sense?
Anyhow, just a thought…
by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 7, 2007 | Blog
Hi, everyone. Run, don’t walk, to THIS link.
It is an audio presentation on the sin of…well…erm…GLUTTONY. Yes, gluttony.
What is gluttony, really, anyhow? Is it a “fat person” who binges all the time? Or is it, simply…eating more food than one needs with very little concern about physical appearance? Hmmm….
Crystal Munson addresses this and more, using Philippians 3:18-19 as her primary text:
For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things.
Do NOT go to the link if you don’t want to be majorly convicted. 52 minutes of TRUTH sprinkled with a lot of grace, but…well, this is PURE TRUTH.
I would love to hear from you after you listen, too.
Feel free to email me at harleysheidi@gmail.com and tell me what you think. Or, better, come to the forums at the Thin Within website and discuss it there. GOOD stuff…but oooooh so convicting!!!
Let’s let God speak to us…and refuse to harden our hearts any longer.
by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 4, 2007 | Blog
I am learning so much since setting aside the Oreo milkshakes *and* the scale.
I really thought that when I got to what seemed a reasonable weight (lower than I ever imagined, really) that getting on the scale every day to “stay honest” was totally A-ok. I felt like I “didn’t have a problem” with the scale.
I see now that I had been using it to condone eating whatever I could “get away with” to stay at that weight! I have no idea what my weight is doing right now…so because I don’t have that “go ahead,” I *am* more in tune with what God is saying to me about 0 and about stopping eating.
It is interesting to me that these two things were feeding one another. Because the scale stayed at a certain weight, I justified eating even when not hungry…and since I was eating when not hungry, I felt compelled to “keep on top of things” by weighing. Both are reflective of a heart not heeding the voice of the Spirit!
And I wondered how I had developed a hardened heart! HA! There it is! Plainly.
That said, if I had to do it again, would I not get on a scale during the releasing of weight stage of my journey? I think I *might* change my approach and depend even less on the scale than I did. Last night at my new support group I am leading, someone asked me if she should weigh only now and again at the end of 12 weeks, when our study closes…and I really couldn’t answer that. It will have to be between her and the Lord…and I trust that he will make it clear. I don’t think it helps to get on it even weekly and I know Judy Halliday hasn’t owned a scale in 30 years! LOL!
Anyhow, it floors me to see how subtly this prideful attitude had crept in. The scale use was all in the name of “to keep me honest.” HA! The Holy Spirit can do that! I know I have said that before…but who will I obey…God or the scale? Just because the scale doesn’t expose my greed or pride doesn’t mean it isn’t there! Now I come face to face with it!
Funny how that is.
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 28, 2007 | Uncategorized
Ok…another gauntlet has been thrown down.
I was speaking with Judy on the phone about the upcoming first day of class I will be leading at our church. I am so nervous, it isn’t funny. I just need to lay it down at the Lord’s feet. This is NOT about ME…my fear of “messing up” is fixating my focus on ME. NOT ok…This is the LORD’s deal…and I WILL DELIGHT IN IT!!!
I described to Judy that after just a couple of days of no Oreos (my weakness food that I am fasting from for a season), I weighed and the scale surprised me…I am my lowest ever. Ok, I have long joked about how if I could just not eat Oreos (I eat them mixed with vanilla ice cream…and NEVER at a zero…but ALWAYS when I am NOT hungry!!!!), I would really know what God’s intended size for me is…but I didn’t really believe that it might be true! LOL!
So I shared the news with Judy that I was now a pound lower than my lowest weight since beginning, which was right after horse camp for a week–about 3 pounds lower than the beginning of this week. Are you tracking with me? She picked up on the fact that I weigh myself QUITE regularly…daily before I dress.This is a true confession…do any of you do this??? If so, I present you with what Judy presented me…
Upon hearing the description of the way I “use” the scale…which I thought was harmless enough…to “keep me honest” now that I have released (all? of) my weight…Judy told me I needed to “put the scale away”…I mean…she meant…AWAY. Like GONE…like no where NEAR.
Now I really didn’t feel that my use of the scale was inappropriate when I shared the story, or I wouldn’t have told her! LOL! Just being honest. No, not at all. I don’t let the scale dictate if I will have a good day or bad (or I haven’t so far). I truly do use it to keep me honest since my heart is prone to wander…I know from my dieting obsession years that weight can vary a LOT in one 24 hour period when it isn’t true fat weight…so I don’t let it beat me up it goes up or down…
But truthfully, as I think about it now, God’s Holy Spirit can keep me honest.
When Judy challenged me to put the scale away, my REACTION to her challenge is what concerned me. I was reminded that recently, I challenged someone to get rid of her Weight Watcher’s materials…and I encouraged her to evaluate her reaction to the thought of letting go of them, as I know that this can indicate when there is an ungodly idol in our lives. Well…HELLOOOOOooooo! My reaction to Judy’s challenge to “put away” the scale was indicative that I needed to heed my own words! My reaction alone…panic…indicates that in spite of my good intentions and feeling that I was not dishonoring the Lord in the way I used the scale, I HAVE A PROBLEM!!!!
So…as with Oreos…I will fast the scale for a time. My scale has now been safely hidden away in my “little mother’s” room…er…I mean my 13-year-old daughter’s room (her closet, buried beneath things…). She LOVES “watching out for me” so if I go in there to get the scale she is bound to hound me about it…I couldn’t bear that…
Truthfully, as with the Oreos, I feel relief…I am supposed to trust God with ALL. Yikes. That is scary. I know myself so well. WILL I let HIM be enough? HIS direction? HIS approval? HIS reprimand? HIS voice? Yikes…
But even as I type that previous paragraph it occurs to me that maybe by getting on the scale I was actually using it to endorse my sin…using it to “get away” with whatever I could without the scale going up…my heart was hardening even while I wasn’t gaining weight. The scale can NOT measure the changes of the heart, be they tenderizing changes or hardening changes…God alone can indicate that. And He is faithful to do that.
Hmmm…
I hate it when Judy is right! Well, *sometimes* I do. LOL!
Bless her heart…
Join me in putting your scale away…dare to believe that God is doing a NEW THING in you and HE WILL SHOW you what to do!!!! I need support! OK? 🙂
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 27, 2007 | Blog
Some of you have asked me for an update on some of the things in earlier entries in the blog.
Like veggies…am I eating veggies, you wonder? Well, no…not unless it is in my husband’s fresh salsa. In which case, gimme gimme! LOL! No, I haven’t made headway there. I have to be careful not to use a club of condemnation for myself with the veggies thing. There is a LOT of heavy duty childhood trauma associated with certain foods and I can trigger some nasty flashbacks if I am not careful. Right now, I feel like God is not asking me to push myself so hard. I hope he will just put it in me to WANT and LOVE broccoli! Right now, even the smell of some foods cause a physical and emotional reaction…it isn’t freedom certainly.
So on the veggies front…no appreciable headway except that I am at peace with this and waiting on God for His timing.
On the soda drinking front…I am still drinking more water or sparkling water (no sugar or acids, nutrasweet and other things added) than I was, but I do still enjoy diet coke and diet cherry pepsi. In fact, I have been cutting back again, as my consumption was creeping back up. I guess this will always be a process!
The new fast from the “sweet” that I mentioned yesterday went really well yesterday. I am just thrilled that it is so easy. In the past, I would have mourned such a decision and it would have made me want the “outlawed” food all the more, but the truth is, the food isn’t outlawed at all. I am walking in freedom from having to eat it and it feels absolutely great! In fact, it is like a huge burden is lifted! I think I was really bowing down to that food…believe it or not…I was letting my heart harden toward the Lord. Good grief. I was letting Satan use it to torment me instead of tossing the burden aside. Since throwing it aside yesterday, I have been so free! The item IS in the house…but I have not had any temptation to consume it at all. It is a non-issue, settled completely. Go figure.
This really IS a new thing…in the past, I would NOT have handled it like this. It is proof that God is at work and doing things in my life all the time that I may not even be aware of!
Thank you, Lord!
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 26, 2007 | Blog
I have decided to open up a Thin Within Yahoo Group…if you are interested, visit http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/TrulyTW/
It wil be moderated.
Another bit of news is that I think God is calling me not to replenish a certain food that I seem to be allowing to control me! While all things are permissible, not all things are beneficial and I have given this particular food mastery over me…so I think for a season I will fast from this particular food.
YIKES!
FREEDOM does not mean FREE TO EAT
It means free NOT TO HAVE TO EAT!
When I can be free NOT to eat when I think of this food and, in fact, NOT think of this food constantly…like it is OWED to me daily…THEN, maybe it will be time to let go of the fast…but for now…I choose to master this lust….by submitting to God in this…
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 20, 2007 | Blog
My husband has gotten confused about the different book titles…Thin Again and Thin Within, not able to remember which is which. So, my name for today’s entry is a take off of the way we end up butchering the titles of the books (in fun, of course).
The reason is because I am reading Thin Within …well…Again! LOL! So, today’s entry is Thin Within Again…I have read this material more times than I can count, but NEVER from this perspective…as one leading others through it and with so much that God has done in my life physically, emotionally and spiritually in the past 10 months (since I began this journey again…).
So today, when I began to read and complete Chapter 2 in the Thin Within book, I was surprised by some things! I mean REALLY surprised! I was completing the survey and I was stunned by the things that have changed in me…WOW!
- I am more comfortable with myself and my personality than a year ago when I took the survey. Yes, I aspire to be more like Jesus, but I am not hating being in my own skin…I see God IS at work and I can rest in that.
- I am extremely optimistic that I can change where as last November when I began, I wasn’t. I’ve seen changes in me physically, sure…but also in deeper things that have come out through my horsemanship…and in my walk with the Lord. Things that encourage me a lot to believe God for more.
- I no longer fear derailing my own goals. Weight goal has been surpassed, but also goals with my horses. These may sound worldly or frivolous, but they are deeper…my fears after coming off my horses so much a few years ago had to be overcome and God has personally been walking me through all of these as well as my weight goals.
- I was ALWAYS self-conscious before. Now I am not nearly so much so. Yes, this insidious way that pride works its way into my life is still an issue for me, but not nearly so much as it was before. Last November, I marked 10 when I did this survey. This time, I am closer to a 3 or a 4.
- My heart isn’t nearly so empty feeling. God has been walking with me and to remove this area of habitual sin from my life has opened up the flood gates of my fellowship with him. Yes, I still have struggles…but it isn’t the stronghold that it was.
- I don’t have nearly the level of fear that I once did about releasing my life to God.
- God doesn’t seem nearly so distant.
- I am living my life more acording to how GOD sees me–as a conqueror in Christ, as a victor! Now what I believe about the Word of God and what I see in my life actually seem to be more synchronous with one another. There isn’t a huge gap between my belief and my experience.
I praise you, Lord, for these amazing changes. I pray that I would continue to cling to you and allow you to work your will in my life. Remove any tendency toward arrogance and pride. Make me humble (yikes, I fear praying that!). Be exalted and may my life point to you, your grace, your goodness, your love, that YOU are more than enough…In the Name of Jesus, Amen.
