Thank you for your prayers today. We survived…I think I *barely* survived, but I did…and I think I was nice enough! 🙂
The photographer and the stylist were very kind and supportive. I tell you…having make-up plastered on my face is NOT my thing! 😀 No offence to Shellie Rae! 🙂
The photographer, Terrence of 521productions, took a picture of my kids and me just for us to have a record of today’s craziness! I did have a chance to talk about Thin Within and Dance Praise with Shellie Rae…that was neat. She was very nice. Terrence was a crack up with stories upon stories, including a couple about his dog and cat and how his cat has literally saved the life of his chihuahua at least twice!
Anyhow, the issue is supposed to be out in October sometime. Please pray for the truth to be in the article. As “vain” as this all seems, I know God can use this for HIS glory and to make the way of freedom known for many! That is my prayer. Please join me!
The Thin Within message forums have sure come alive. It is great to see such an inspirational and encouraging community already in full throttle.
Other big news…I may be leading a Thin Within group at my church. It is hard to believe that with all the years and all the involvement I have had with Thin Within, I have never led a “live” TW group! (I have led and co-led online groups, however. But it IS different!) We will be studying the book.
I won’t be around for a week starting on Sunday. I am leaving for a bible horsemanship camp. When I began to turn my heart back to the Lord and ask Him to make me willing to be made willing to let go of food, I must admit it was motivated by a desire to go to this bible horsemanship camp. My husband bought it for me for Christmas in 2005!!! There were no spaces available until this camp coming up…I never would have gone had God not enabled me to release the weight I carried. I know that sounds awful. I wish I could say my motives were more noble than they were…but God used that to change my heart…He can take just about anything!
True confessions…I know that right now, where I sit, there is yet much work (much work *again*???) needing to be done on my heart. For instance, if all the Oreos in this world suddenly vanished, I think I would curl up and die. NOT a good thing! I definitely cherish Oreos in my heart more than God wants me to..I am saying this somewhat tongue-in-cheek, but I am very serious…and I know that any attachment to which I cling…unless it is GOD ALONE…well, it is something that isn’t a good thing…I want to be rid of any attachment that keeps me from full-hearted devotion. Like that song… “Give me one full and holy passion” (or that is how I think it goes). So far, no weight has returned…but I feel strongly that giving the enemy a toe-hold in this, will evolve before I know it into a foot-hold and on into a stronghold again. I will NOT allow that! God has set me free, should I go back to slavery? NO WAY!
I want God alone–Jesus Christ–to be what I pander after, what I dream about, what I long for, yearn for…and what I delight in. Nothing else.
This has been a most amazing summer. The horseback riding has been phenomenal! A dream come true! This picture was taken today by a runner we met out in the middle of nowhere. Michaela, my 13 year old daughter, is aboard Breezy. Harley sees the runner’s friends coming in the distance. I am not sure what I am trying to do, other than to get us to smile for the camera!
This summer has been fantastic for me personally and I know that it is due, in part, to being freed of physical weight. My weight held me back in so many ways. I lacked confidence being on my horses–especially Harley. And the family and I have played tennis quite a lot, too. It has been an incredible summer…the best of my adult life. It is hard to see it winding down. The kids start school two weeks from Tuesday.
Hmm…Got on the scale this morning and it read lower than ever.
Boy, why can’t I just rejoice?
Because I know the truth! I know that it is only because something weird has happened to my body…it is like my metabolism is super-charged right now. I feel like I eat a lot more than I used to. Maybe when the weather changes it will be different. I am outside a lot, but it doesn’t SEEM like I am so active as to explain the number of times I am hungry. And I know that I still have an ungodly attachment to sweets.
For some reason, the comments from people at church have come thick and fast during the past week as well. I guess I wonder if I am not being majorly tested or something.
I know that this is grace…nothing BUT grace as I have done nothing that could “earn” releasing weight, keeping it off, and releasing more. Yes, initially maybe. I mean I had to cooperate with God in BIG ways, but even that was His work.
…but right now…no. I mean, I feel like I eat more than I need more than I used to…that makes me really on high alert, in a way. So why do I keep doing it? I don’t know. And why is my weight going down?
Weird having it trickle off right now when I really don’t feel like I am living a surrendered life. It BUGS me!!!!
I will take it as grace, but now…what will my response be? Will I surrender? Goodness…It is His Kindness that leads me to repentance. This is about as kind as He could be over this…it truly brings me to my knees….
God is still doing new things and still beckoning me to allow him to do even MORE new things. The question is, will I allow it?
I have realized lately that I still have (have again?) an attachment to certain types of foods…SWEETS. I am prayerfully considering what God might want me to do to be set free from that.
While I haven’t gained any weight, and stayed steady at the low end of a weight range that I seem to be within most of the time these days, I know that there is yet some weight that *could* be released if I were to truly live in a surrendered state to the Lord. I know the weight isn’t the point. But my heart is. I want to hold nothing back, but I am and do. So what will I do about this?
I find it odd that the weight I am staying steady at is my highschool/college weight. I spent the most time in my life at that weight…my body seems to like that weight. I am glad to be there now…but again, that “victory” is diminished by what I know is in my heart right now…a passion for sweets!
I ran into a woman I used to play tennis with over 15 years ago. She was shocked at the weight I had lost. Funny, as I didn’t realize I was that much bigger that long ago! I guess so! My chiropractor hadn’t seen me in two years and made quite a big hoopla about the changes, too. That was interesting as well. My sister in law hadn’t seen me in a long time until Sunday…yet more celebratory praises.
All the praises of men seem so empty when I know in my heart that I am not truly walking in freedom. In fact, I feel so dishonest! I have often lamented that my sin (gluttony) is out there for everyone to see when I gain weight…and that is true (unlike the alcoholic or drug addict who often can “hide” their sin from others, the glutton wears her sin like a brand in the excess weight she carries…). But right now, I know that there is sin still. It may not be gluttony, but it still is a prideful, arrogant heart…and it isn’t obvious to others so, instead, I get praised for being thin(ner). It just doesn’t seem right.
Boy, I can’t seem to be happy to save my life! HA!
I was interviewed today by a magazine doing an article on the virtues of using Digital Praise’s “Dance Praise.” They wanted before and after photos. I sent them…and told them in the interview about Thin Within. I HOPE they will include that! 🙂 The two worked TOGETHER very well for me. With the nice weather, I haven’t been using Dance Praise. But in a way, I can’t wait for the rain just so I have to use Dance Praise again! Right now I am riding horses a lot, doing a lot of outside work, and playing tennis with my family. My metabolism must be supercharged as I am hungry all the time…Dance Praise isn’t on my radar screen until the rains come again, I guess. Then I will hop to, literally!!!
I guess one other victory recently was that I actually bought a couple of shirts in the *junior* department of JC Penneys. Haven’t done that in a while. Sure, they are XLs but so what! My daughter was shopping there, so I tried them on and loved them. Just polo shirts to wear with shorts or jeans. I can’t remember if I posted about trying on my wedding dress…but I did and it fit. Years ago hubby promised that once that happened, he and I would take a trip to Disneyland…so I hope he will pay up! Hehehehehe
More Thin Within writing projects are on the horizon. We want to support the group leaders, so are putting together some materials for that purpose. Hope to have something done by the end of this month! YIKES!
Well, I ramble…all for now. Thank you for your support, your notes, your encouraging words.
I have thought about starting a yahoo group where we can dialog with one another…not sure about that, though. Anyhow, press on! God IS faithful, even when we are NOT!
Getting my bearings again after the passing of Bo. I reread my blog telling about his passing and it really doesn’t show much emotion. I find that odd. I have been torn up by his passing. Below is his memorial video. It is rather long…almost 6 minutes.
For those interested, I hope you enjoy.
All for now. I will return to blogging my journey soon.
Thanks for caring.
The following is text from a post I sent to an Incredimail list that I co-own. It tells a bit about Bo, his life and so on.
Hi, everyone.
This email is long, but I wanted to share some things about the Bo Man for those interested.
As some of you may know, the trainer I took Daisy to this past winter, “just happened” to recognize my description of Bo when we first met…she had helped a friend place some wolfdogs into new situations when they were about four years old. From my description of Bo (and his name), and what I had already learned about his history, Kathy was able to know with certainty that he was the same as one of those woldogs she helped place. She put me in touch with the daughter of the person who bred Bo’s mom and dad (she owned both). Dad was a wolf (had papers, if you can believe that…from Canada) with some malamute and his Mom was a shepherd/wolf cross. She was the one who had confiscated the dogs from her own mother, an irreponsible breeder who left Bo and the other littermates to grow up untouched by humans (for the most part) for their first almost four years. The males and females were separated only to avoid pregnancies, but Bo was chosen of the 12 because he was considered most likely to succeed in life after such a rough beginning. In fact, the daughter kept him as her own for a while, and hoped it would be permanent. She even took Bo to Kathy’s (Daisy’s trainer) “Family Pet” class (the same one I took Daisy to). But Bo never trusted her husband…and when she had a baby, she felt it unwise to keep Bo and placed him.
Bo and one sibling were taken by the daughter of the irresponsible breeder and Kathy (Daisy’s trainer) to Never Cry Wolf in Sacramento, a wolf rescue. According to the owner of the rescue, Bo was taken on outreach programs with other residents of the rescue, before someone adopted him. It baffles me that he never acclimated to a leash given his experience with the rescue and his experience with the daughter of the breeder.
But before the new adopted owner got Bo in the front door of her home in Rocklin (where we lived at the time), he escaped.
In October of 2001, Bo began to visit our home through an opening in the fence we had because of landscaping the backyard. Our property adjoined a huge undeveloped area (oaks, creeks, coyotes, turkeys, rabbits…you get the gist!) where Bo had been living off the land, I guess, for a couple of months. He was drawn to us by his desire to bond with Samson and my earliest memories of Bo include him sitting outside our door howling…he wanted his new friend. In fact, some of the most warm memories I have him are of him howling in his sleep…as if he was running with a pack somewhere. Sometimes, that sound would awaken me during the night and I would check on Bo, to find he was howling in his sleep!
Back to my story. So in 2001, I began to use Samson on a leash as my “bait” to try to win Bo’s confidence. I even drew Bo into the house by having Samson on a leash attached to the furniture! I will never forget the day I won Bo’s heart. I had read on the internet that a sign of acceptance into the pack was if the alpha offered a submissive posture and bit the new pack member on the leg…so, being a science-minded person and having taught about nature extensively for years at a science and nature center, I figured it made sense for me to at least try the experiment…and it worked! I believe some of you may remember my posting about it before…I laid on my back, belly exposed, he came close and I bit him on the leg and smiled and popped back up on all fours. At that moment, he rolled onto *his* back, offering me his belly…and the rest was history. You would have thought I had shot Cupid’s arrow into his heart because everything changed. It was amazing!
At that time we called him “Bear” as we didn’t know his name. We phoned tons of places (shelters, rescues) looking for a lead about his owner, put up signs…we called the Shepherd rescue in Sacramento who, upon one look at Bo’s photographs, had me email Never Cry Wolf. I will never forget the day I got a phone call (after emailing the man in charge of the rescue with photographs of Bo and descriptions of him) saying “I know your dog and I can tell you about him.”
The rescue owner then planned to try to find a permanent home for Bo with the word to us that, since Bo had chosen us, perhaps we could consider being his forever home.
I guess I should confess to you now that I never really *asked* my husband if this was ok…I just sort of let Bo take over our hearts…which he did, Samson’s included, of course! Bob couldn’t argue with that…well he could have, but he didn’t. Bless him. Given that it wasn’t until FIVE YEARS LATER that Bo began to accept Bob and allow Bob to even touch him…that is huge! LOL!
As many of you who knew us then may remember, there were times when it was REALLY rough, as Bo had to learn we were not a literal wolf pack and his status would have to stay omega–last on the list. He had to learn *not* to do what wolves do to one another in a pack situation (and neither would we!). Remember, that was all he knew…attack or be attacked. From what I was told so much later, he hadn’t fared well with his male siblings, and had scars on his face to prove it. That was what he knew when he came to us and he had to be shown another way. He was smart and “took to his learnin’ well.”
I will never forget the day that I was wrestling 8 year old Daniel on the carpet so soon after Bo even began to be willing to wander inside the house (the door was always kept open for him)…I didn’t have a clue then the message I was sending to Bo…that Daniel’s status was up for grabs and the alpha female (me) was rebuking one of the pack…From his wolfish perspective, this was his opportunity. He joined in. It could have been a horrible accident. We were fortunate. Daniel was shaken up, as was I. That day, I made sure I learned how to speak “wolf” to Bo and fast…researching and learning…The kids were taught some things, too…and our homeschool focus changed to studying wolves. Our literature unit was “Julie of the Wolves” and we learned a LOT during that time.
When we lifted up the 6 foot section of fencing that we had down for landscaping, we were surprised to discover that Bo had been using that section of fencing as the roof on an elaborate multi-roomed wolf den. It was astonishing! When we closed up the fence, in essence ending Bo’s freedom, part of our homeschooling was to try to replicate his den. HA! Three humans couldn’t manage what Bo had done with his own four paws!
Bo’s last fresh meal was Kitty–the only cat I ever loved, a sweet stray who came into our lives a couple of weeks before Bo did. He killed her quickly about a month after Bo began to come around…that was hard as Daniel had announced that Kitty was his best friend just the day before. I think it is a testimony to the character of my son that he not only forgave Bo, but adored Bo so very much.
When we moved from Rocklin, I had to find a way to move Bo. He didn’t like Bob at that time and freaked at the sight of a leash. He was terrified of being on a leash. I had vets come to the house if we needed one…and one suggested I use dramamine to get him drowsy enough to leash and put in the car for our move to Cool.
I managed to move he and Samson one early morning on my own and he loved Cool. The yard we fenced for the dogs provided lots of room, lots of shelter, hiding places and a steep hill for romping up and down on…not to mention a nice back porch to lounge on if they chose. We put a wading pool there for them to splash in during the summer. Samson and Bo played recklessly on that hillside together, sometimes falling head over heals in their play! It was such fun to watch! In so many ways, I think Samson’s life was extended because of Bo–he had to be “younger” just to keep up with Bo, who we often referred to as “Tigger.” They were actually the same age, but you would never know it.
While Samson was alive, Bo never seemed to age. He was so playful and squeezed every bit of life out of each moment. WHile his suspicion of humans generally was still unsettling for many people who knew us (extended family), we knew Bo as a much different “person.” He was definitely a family (and pack) member for good. He loved my kids and me tremendously. No, he wasn’t typical…but he was immeasurably special. During this past year, he came to trust Bob…the breakfast cereal helped! LOL! (I can laugh about that now!)
As you know, when Samson died, a part of Bo died. I thought he would die then, too. Daisy rescued the day there…a month after Samson died, we brought her home and Bo could NOT believe we were going to allow such a tyrant to take over! He moved into the house in a way he NEVER had before, sleeping inside each night and wandering through all the time, if not snoozing inside during the day. He and Daisy spent most of the days inside, in fact, rough housing and playing a lot in the living room. She definitely breathed new life into him for a time.
So many things I would love to tell you all about…about how he and Samson did tours of Rocklin *together*…and my heart ached that they might never return…and then when they got out in Cool…gosh, they came home again…Bo knew where the grub was free!
The kids and I just ate lunch together and laughed as we remembered Bo always peeking his wolfish bandit eyes over the top of the dining table from the other side, looking at us…he was just so cute. That, of course, was only if he wasn’t nudging our elbows with his nose! We often said that he was the cutest 10 year old dog on the planet. He always looked like a puppy…he really did. He grinned so happily all the time.
My precious wolfdog, Bo, had to be put down on Monday morning, my son’s 15th birthday. It has been a rough week. Bo wouldn’t stop bleeding through his nose and tons of tests were inconclusive. The vet could get it stopped for a while, but his red blood cell count wouldn’t rebound before he would bleed again. A transfusion appeared imminent…or, he would continue to bleed to death. A recommendation was made to “tie off” the carotid artery–an artery that is a primary supplier of blood to the brain. This clearly sounded beyond what God wanted us to do.
I had total peace that it was right to let Bo go, so went to the vet clinic and spent some time outside on their soft grass. I got to cuddle and scratch him and kiss his precious face, saying goodbye. Then, the vet added the medicine to Bo’s catheter to cause him to “sleep.” It was a peaceful goodbye, but oh, how I miss his fun and silly presence in our home.
Miss Crazy Daisy Pirahna Puppy from the Amazon now has an incredible burden of being our one and only canine…poor thing! Not having been socialized properly during her first 9 months (she was a rescue), she didn’t really bond with Bo. She loved playing with him–tormenting “Grandpa” actually…and I think she notices his absence, too. But she hadn’t bonded with him, I guess. She is doing just fine being the only canine.
The first three days I didn’t feel the heartache. I guess that isn’t surprising. I began to numb my pain, I guess…with food. I am surprised at how quickly I returned to old habits…Fortunately, I didn’t gain any weight back…and I am refocusing again.
What this did though was show me that I really need to seek God in dealing with issues that have been below the surface, I guess. There is healing yet ahead…and issues that still need to be resolved.
