Anorexia or not…

Someone, who I appreciate very much, shared privately that they were concerned about the way my post Thursday sounded…She felt what I shared might encourage anorexic behavior in folks who might not understand the difference between what Thin Within teaches and dangerous anorexic behavior.

Until Thursday, what I called satisfied was truly *more* than satisfied. I knew it. God knew it. But because I was releasing weight, I figured we would call it “good”–I was being “obedient enough.” The fact is, I was still indulging my lusts for food. My heart was still connected to the food. What I am trying to do now (and what I wrote about yesterday) is tune in to the Lord more. I am trying to find out what is *want* and what is *need*. It is a lie if I call a *want* for food a *need* for food.

Thursday, I shared that it floored me to see how little food I need to be sustained. Yes, my focus was on what seemed to be a tiny amount of food…That focus revealed just where my heart was. The fact of it is…yes, that focus IS WRONG. Until yesterday, I hadn’t realized how focused I remained on food!

The amount of food should ultimately NOT be my focus. The goal for me is learning to listen to the Lord (as He uses my body, which He created to be reliable), to tell me when I need food and when I don’t…when to stop. Thursday, I admit, I *was* fixated on the amount of food because, quite frankly, I was startled…by the lie I had been believing!

However, this journey is NOT about eating less and less. If that is my focus, my friend would be right– it would be behavior of an anorexic.

When I am hungry, I SHOULD eat, but when I am no longer hungry, I SHOULD stop. It isn’t about the amount of food it takes to keep my body working. Of course, that is where MY focus was in my post yesterday because I want MORE food because I LIKE TO EAT!

I EAT when I am hungry. ALL OF US SHOULD! If we are “riding the zero” then we really have to evaluate if we are surrendering to God and trusting Him and the body He has given us. I believe 100% in eating when I get a hunger signal. “Riding the zero” can be as bad as a binge…refusing to trust God and give Him control. If we surrender, we heed the signals that our bodies give us…ordained, created by Him!

I believe that the behavior of eating *each* time a person is hungry doesn’t fit the profile of anorexic. Especially if a person carries extra weight or, even, maintains a healthy weight.

I hope this helps clarify things a bit!

“See, I AM”

On Wednesday and yesterday, God led me to focus on not dwelling on the past, using our Isaiah 43:18-19 to challenge me not to dwell on past successes or failures be they from just a minute ago or 10 years ago.

Today, as I was working on memorizing the verse, I asked him what he wanted me to focus on…My thoughts went something like this:

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! ….”

Yes, thank you, Lord that you are doing a new thing. I have seen that this is true…definitely. (Can you hear the complacency, ho hum way I responded to Him?)

“See, I am doing a new thing! ….”

I SEE! I SEE! LOL! Lord, I guess I am dim, I think I see…what else am I missing? I get the impression that you want me to SEE!

“See, I am doing ….”

Thank you, Lord, that you are DOING. You aren’t just sitting back watching, observing…you are DOING.

“See, I am ….”

Yes, Lord, I see that you are….

“See, I AM ….”

OH! LORD! You want me to see that in this journey, in all the things I am struggling with right now, you are *I* *AM*. You want me to SEE this as never before!

After over a week in another study of looking at scripture and Jesus’ claim to be “I AM,” the name for the One True God throughout scripture, and all that it means, God pointed out to me that this verse that He has led me to meditate on for years now (on and off) and since He restarted me in this TW journey in mid-November…well, this is what it boils down to…

Whatever the question…

Whatever the problem….

Whatever the need….

Whatever the *desire*….

God’s answer is…simply, “I AM…”

It is no wonder that songs about God’s sufficiency have been going through my head lately. It seems like the Lord wants me to have a plethora of bible verses, mediations, and words to songs mulling around in my mind about how He alone is truly my satisfaction…Most recently, a song on my Dance Praise (I do it for my exercise…it is wonderful and edifying and a TON of fun!)…”All I Need” by Bethany Dillon. I see that the Lord really wants me to learn this.

My skating along with “have I been obedient enough” has come to a halt. He is asking me point blank if I will lean on and in to Him and let Him be all I need, my Great I AM. Whatever I need, whatever I want…He is…I AM.


This is suffering. LOL! Ok, maybe not, but it sure seems close. Papa Murphy’s pizza isn’t even that good, but it is one of the few things that everyone in my family can eat and enjoy (somewhat). Hubby brought it home and I was at 0 for sure!!! But I KNEW I didn’t have the freedom to eat even two skinny pieces…I only had the freedom to eat one. Sigh…and the crust from one of my son’s pieces…given how hungry I was, the tiny miniscule morsel of pizza sure tasted good, even if it DID have too much sauce on it! 😀

But nuts! This sure isn’t much food! I guess I really *can’t* eat just for fun any more. See there? This really exposes the motives. I mean, I sure seem to want to do some aspect of eating for fun. No, I don’t mean that God doesn’t want me to enjoy eating according to godly parameters. I think He gets joy from seeing me delight in all the good things He has given us to enjoy. But I mean…there isn’t much quantity wise or time wise when push comes to shove. You can only stretch out a tiny portion so long before it gets cold or something. Eating in a way that honors the Lord offers no room to justify “recreational eating.”

Which makes sense. It is “recreational eating” that has created extra fat on my body and associated health problems (or potential problems). God knows best. I just find my will having a hard time (at times) going along with this!

It is amazing how little food my body needs to get by. Ok…so the Lord wants to be what gives me ultimate joy and satisfaction. I have practiced for years using food to give me joy….I mean…all the time, throughout the day (and night), even when not hungry. I see now that this attitude isn’t going to go away quickly…I mean, God has changed my heart a lot, it is true…since I began this journey again in mid-November (when he kicked my bottom into it).

But I was coasting along while “cheating” it seems. The reality is, I could get by with eating more than I needed while cutting back a lot and release a lot of weight in the process. It was easy to pat myself on the back…boy, I didn’t want to face reality. Reality, apparently, is…I still have a “thing” for food.


I want to be normal!


Nuts! I JUST WANT TO BE NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Where all of this is incidental and not worthy of blogging about! LOL!

Letting Go of More…

Wow…today has been revelatory. I can tell I am being prayed for by my fellow online support group members.

This morning, I waited…really waited…for hunger–powerful hunger…a definite zero…then I served myself less than I normally do for breakfast. It wasn’t until after 3pm when I was hungry again…powerful hungry, too. I knew God was telling me to make a smaller portion than I typically do for a meal of a particular thing that I enjoy eating (whole-body pleaser…sustains *and* tastes good). The portion that was small before was reduced by more than half. There was next to nothing on the plate. I wanted to gripe about it…a lot…but then realized, if I eat it slowly, it lasts just as long as twice as much….and I can see after that if I have followed the definition of 5 in the workbook “eat to the point of comfort”–if the hunger has been removed, basically. I could always make more to eat if I truly *need* more.

I can honestly say that I did that…hunger has *barely* (LOL!) been removed. I hope to arrive at a 0 when the family sits down to eat in a couple of hours, but I have to plan in advance to OBEY even if I am not yet hungry. And if I am REALLY hungry, I have to plan in advance to eat slowly and a TINY portion…now that I see it is taking so little to remove the discomfort of hunger.

The very cool thing is…and there has to be *something* good about this from my viewpoint, right? LOL! …The scale doesn’t have a pull on me at all today…for the first time in a while. I have been fighting something awful with myself about not weighing more than once a week. I didn’t start this journey with this struggle…so it surprised me when it cropped up. It is like I knew I was blurring the lines of obedience and eating even a bit outside of what God was laying on my heart that I should, so I wanted to use the scale to justify that I was being “obedient enough.” Today, having heeded his voice in my eating, I don’t need the “approval” of the scale. There is *no* draw, no pull. I know that I have done the right thing because God testifies to that. How cool is that! LOL! It is definitely sufficient. My brain can rationally think through all the reasons that I know that the scale is unreliable and not a useful tool for me on this journey…Before, it was like I was short circuiting rational thinking!

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I find it interesting how listening for the Lord’s voice and obeying it has resulted in another thing I struggled with to lose its hold on me as well. At least for today.

When to stop eating – What is 5?

I am excited to have joined Pam Sneed’s online study group of the first quarter workbook. What a blessing! Pam is awesome! We had our first meeting on Monday night and God was definitely present! I have never seen anything like it in an online chat before. It was new to me. God really IS doing a new thing!

As I was reading the first lesson this morning in the Thin Within workbook, I thought that the way the definition of 5 was worded was very clear. Thought I would share it with you and hopefully it will help someone.

“When you are hungry and choose to eat only to a point of comfort, we call that a 5 on the Hunger Scale. It is when you have had ‘just enough’ and your body does not need more food. A 5 is not ‘full’ or ‘stuffed.’ It is ‘satisfied.'” (page B-6 of Workbook Quarter 1 2004 edition)


This is one reason why I personally feel uncomfortable when we talk about “hunger/fullness” as I know God doesn’t want me to look for “How *full* can I be without being uncomfortable?” I think He wants me to find that place of what it will take to take away the hunger…where my body no longer *needs* food.

I have found that if I *do* go to that place, my body needs far less food than I can imagine. I guess this is where I really have to face the fact that I *want* to be hungry more often to justify eating…and it exposes my heart and the connection I continue to have to food for the sake of eating.

Often when I waffle about what I will call a 5, it is plainly because I don’t *like* the truth.

Again, that may be me.

This week, I am finding a lot of sinful attitudes are being exposed in my life…things that I thought I was done with. It has been a hard week and it isn’t even half over yet! LOL!

I love the verse, Isaiah 43:18-19 that says “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland.”

Today, God laid on my heart to apply myself to the first part of this verse: “Forget the former things.” I must forget the previous failures…even if they came earlier today. Or the failures of yesterday or last year or 10 years ago. I must forget it all and allow God to create a TODAY with me. Not only that, but I need to not try to coast on previous “successes.” The fact that God has removed 25 pounds from my body relatively quickly doesn’t somehow win me an award for checking out now. It isn’t an accolade. It isn’t an award to hang on the wall and be proud of. I must forget the former things. Even NOW he is doing something new…a new NEW thing!

TODAY, I choose to forget the former things and not to dwell on the past.

I also choose to apply myself to this definition of 5 in a fresh new way…I will eat “only to a point of comfort” and see what God does. I know this means letting go of a lot of food. I seem to have a way of trying to eat as much as I can before I get uncomfortable. NOT ok. I must return to eating only until I am not hungry any more.

NEW DAY! New MOMENT! Thank you, God, for Do Overs!