by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 2, 2010 | Blog
Many of you have emailed me or posted here (and on Facebook) that you are praying for our family. Thank you so much. God is answering. Today, I have experienced some hope. I know that the road ahead is likely yet to be long and filled with many challenges, but today has offered the first bit of tangible hope that I have seen. Thank you for your prayers.
God is showing me so much about myself. It is utterly painful. I wonder if maybe…well…if I hadn’t been numbing myself for so many years with food or this or that or the other thing, if I wouldn’t have heard him sooner…the convicting whisper of his Spirit.
I guess it doesn’t matter. He is doing an overhaul in me now. It is so very hard, but I trust it is what is best.
Thank you so much for praying.
by Heidi Bylsma | Oct 1, 2010 | Blog
I imagine some have come to this blog recently wondering what on earth what I am blogging about has to do with eating, weight loss, Thin Within, and being my “natural God-given size” and yada yada! HA!
The answer is EVERYTHING.
My world is being rocked–flipped upside down. Things I have “known” are now changing at light speed. Have you ever felt that way?
Right now, my trust in the Lord is being challenged, by reliance on His goodness, and resting in His love for me. I know I will make it through because I know His Word is true. When I struggle to trust the Lord with family, friends, church, health or whatever it is, then it erodes my willingness to trust the body that he created. I begin to turn to old familiar coping mechanisms–which don’t help me to cope at all!
When I am angry at God about what He has ordained, then I get a ‘tude. A BIG ‘tude (short for ATTItude!).
For a few weeks, I swung way over to the license side of the pendulum. Though I kept a steady rein on it so it didn’t get too crazy, I was rebelling–even lashing out in anger (which has, honestly, intensified). I sought to comfort and numb myself with food. I feel like I have had enough with “surprises” from God. 🙁 I was mad at Him and demonstrated it by eating — like a spoiled child. I continued to play tennis for the sheer joy (and escape) found in it.
Now, I feel like I have swung way over on the other end of the pendulum–it doesn’t feel like legalism (which is typically on the other side)…but then, legalism is really a buzz word for me right now. I think there is a boatload of denial going on for me.
“If I can’t be in control of ______________,
one thing I know I *can* control
is my body, my size, my eating!”
That is when I don’t eat (even when hungry) and when I start to exercise like a fiend. During the past week, as I have begun to release control that was never mine in the first place on things that aren’t mine to control, I have begun to clamber to control that which I can…and that is…ME (supposedly). Well, since I am not doing a very good job controlling my emotions, I can control my body, right?
So, I am in a difficult place…a place that feels like a NEED right now. It is that place of relishing every chance I can to move my body and beat it into the ground, whether it be with a two-hour tennis workout in the 90 degree day (a ball machine at our club makes for a killer cardio workout! WOW!) or using TurboFire to kick my own rear. Truthfully, this has become increasingly a respite for me. I think I am ok right now, but I see the old temptations surfacing. You can escape by exercising every bit as much as you can by doing anything to excess. I wonder if I can learn moderation, even while being on this side of things.
The goal is, of course, to fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. I need to believe HIM, trust HIS character. CHOOSE Him. If I do that, I can exercise, eat appropriate amounts of food between 0 and 5, and allow him to refine me through this process.
If I strive with God about what He hopes to accomplish in this, I will continue to look for my identity in other things…in being “Thin Within Woman,” or a “4.5 Tennis Player” (HA!) or whatever else I might look to for my identity.
I am His. He defines me. This isn’t about my performance. This is about HIS performance. He has done it. I need to rest in that and trust that. I need to obey him as he leads me…what, when and why to eat, what, when and why to exercise…what, when and why to speak, clean, cook, teach, read, play, etc., etc.
All of this stuff I am going through is integrated. I can’t separate my eating, exercising, perspective of my body from the rest of my life. How I perceive myself (something that is really being challenged right now because of the trials I am going through) drastically affects all of these things and so much more.
How about for you? Do you find this to be true? How so?
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 30, 2010 | Blog
How can this possibly be God’s will? How can the things that are good, godly, and incredible blessings, possibly be those things that God now calls me to lay down for him?
“How can this be what you want, Lord?
How can you call me to die to these very things
that your Word speaks of as worth fighting for?
Why do you call me to lay these things on the altar?
How could these things be “Isaac” for me?
Will you not bring the ram in the thicket?”
God did bring the ram in the thicket for Abraham, but he didn’t for Jesus. Jesus called to God and no ram was to be found. In fact, Jesus was the ram.
Jesus’ ministry was in it’s “hey day.” Lame walked, blind saw, demon-possessed were free. Had Jesus not been willing to hear and obey the Father’s call to lay aside his earthly ministry, even though it was good, godly, “successful,” and clearly reflected God’s will, there would have been no cross.
God called Jesus to lay aside the excellent, beautiful ministry he had among people, and to venture down the Path of Suffering to the brutality of the cross. Humanly speaking, this didn’t make sense. His disciples had expected that “things were just getting good,” that they would now link arms with Jesus to usher in the dawn of a new age. An age of victory over Rome! Hail the conquering heroes!
But no.
God had different ideas. Somehow, the Father had in mind that the persecution of the Romans would not only continue, but it would intensify. God intended that Jesus would set aside the immeasurably good for something that appeared horrific–the cross.
If Jesus hadn’t been willing, there would have been no cross, no redemption, no salvation. Had he clung to his ministry and said, “But look at this, Father! This is great! This is what you have always wanted on earth! This is a godly, pure, wonderful ministry that is making a difference! I will keep on doing this ministry since this MUST be what you want!” then all the people in all the world — you and me — would be doomed to hell.
I know that what is facing me is nowhere near so significant a calling as that to which Jesus was called. But I also know that the mandate is similar. He calls me to come and die. Die to all of the things that he has told me in all my years as a believer (32 of them now) are good, wonderful, godly things to fight for…he calls me to surrender them now…to die to these very things. To surrender to the brutality of a cross of sorts.
I don’t get it.
But I know that is the call.
I am just not sure how I will manage it.
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 28, 2010 | Blog
“Is there anything I can do?”
“No, thanks, though.”
“Well, I can just pray.”
I am realizing the irony of this statement.
When I “just pray,” something huge is taking place. When I “just” pray, in effect, I lay down my ability (or supposed ability) to be able to control people and situations. I turn my attention to the One who is sovereign and in complete control. I agree with him that there is nothing I can do to bring about godly, lasting change. When I “just pray,” I choose to lay down my desire and intent to manipulate.
When we “just pray,” we allow something huge to happen within us and maybe that is the point of whatever it is we are facing.
Conversely, when God calls us to let go of things–to quit insisting through clever sounding words or biblical advice and arguments–when we finally choose to acknowledge that we can’t control this situation or this person, “all” that is left really, is prayer…and repentance (our own)…and rest.
Ironic, isn’t it? When we lay it all down and feel like we are doing nothing but pray we are in the most powerful place…we are in a position where we can watch what God will do and take comfort in the fact that we don’t have to make something happen. We don’t have to be clever enough, articulate enough, even godly enough to bring about the change we want in others.
When I choose to lay it down, there is peace and rest.
This is what the Sovereign LORD,
the Holy One of Israel, says:
“In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength,
but you would have none of it.
– Isaiah 30:15
I don’t want to strive with the Lord any more. I choose to repent of my attempts to manipulate–even for a “godly” outcome. The only way I can be quiet, at peace, and enjoy the rest he promises is if I lay it all down and “just” pray.
How about you? Is there something (or someone) you are trying to change? Even for a godly reason? Are you anxious about it? If so, will you join me in laying it down. Let’s “just” pray…
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 27, 2010 | Blog
God has seen fit that this will be an extreeeeeeeme testing season for my family. I have never seen the fire turned up on us in quite this way and never seen so many of my own impurities surface. It is devastating to see just how ugly I can be (or is this only scraping the surface?! )!
Yesterday, I felt like I couldn’t handle even one person at church asking me that dreaded question: “How are you?” I am honest. I can’t handle saying “Fine” if I am not fine. Even if I am feeling a bit off, I don’t like to say “Fine,” let alone when I feel like my world is caving in…which I do…right now. (Note: If you are one of our church family, please know I love you dearly. Your hugs and prayers mean so much to us right now.)
So, I decided I was heading to an early service at a church some distance away.
You see, I had spent a very challenging night wrestling with God over big issues–over faithfulness (my imperfect perception of his as well as my own), forgiveness and my developing hatred toward other people (don’t worry, if you are reading this blog, it is doubtful you are one of them!), to name just a few. Yes, it is true! And even these words seem to sanitize what was really going on during the middle of the night. I had it OUT with God and it is amazing to me that I wasn’t given what I “deserve,” all right. I demonstrated in the dark of night that I am totally worthy of hell–my heart is so black. And even now, as I consider what transpired, I see I yet cherish sin in my heart. Oh, there is SO much work to be done…so much purifying. Why He tolerates me is beyond me.
People ruin their lives by their own foolishness
and then are angry at the Lord.
Proverbs 16:3 (NLT)
Anyhow, with 100% attitude and 0% humility, I burst in on my family members’ sleeping reverie at 6:30am and announced to them we were going to an 8:15am service 40 minutes away so they had 45 minutes to get ready. (What a treat to be greeted by a mom like that on a Sunday…sheesh!). We normally attend a service here in our town five minutes from our home that starts at 10:30am.
Sherwood Carthen was the special guest speaker and he delivered a message which God, in spite of my arrogance, used to slap me (lovingly) upside the head. The question that brought me to the end of myself was, simply, “What am I pursuing? Godliness? Or happiness?” (It is related to the question asked a couple of days ago and echoing in the empty corners of my mind ever since…”Is Jesus enough for me?”)
In my anger and frustration with the trials I am currently facing, with my threats to God about how I intend on handling what he has ordained for me, it is clear that I feel happiness is not only my priority pursuit, but it is my RIGHT. This is defective. I know this. Even on a day when I am dim and lacking sleep I know this. But God somehow moved in and exposed just how selfish and superficial my insistence has been that I have things MY way. This simply isn’t pursuing godliness. Not even close. Even when the things that I insist on seem good, godly, wonderful, biblical, and like God has given them to me. (OUCH!)
I was broad-sided — if tears were equal to repentance (they aren’t), then I would be in good shape for a 180 degree turn and transformational shift in my paradigm. I realize right now, so many hours after hearing the message, though, that I still have an attitude toward the Lord about the things that are going on in my life.I need to invite God to soften my heart and remove the calluses on my heart that are building by my rebellion.
What will I do with the message God personally made sure I heard this morning? I believe with all my heart that I am accountable for what I hear. Here is an outline of what Sherwood Carthen taught:
When Happiness is my Pursuit:
- Anything is ok – there are no boundaries, no limits (this addresses things I dared to “threaten” God with during the night!)
- It often ends in frustration and blame (I am blaming a whole bunch…when all else fails and no one else is around to blame, I have been blaming God…)
- God is not the priority – This one is trickier because it sure seems like “I HAVE made you my priority, God!” But I think it comes back to that old thing of making God’s gifts the priority. This can be subtle…very subtle. Even my “right” to a “quiet time”…that sounds so wonderful, but the fact is, quiet is a gift. A sense of His Presence is a gift, too. Do I esteem the Giver of the gift as much as the gift? If I don’t feel Him, or the Word seems devoid of feeling, will I still trust He is here and that is precious enough? Or do I insist that He “behave” in a way that meets with my approval? Who is God here, after all?
When Godliness is the Pursuit:
- The Spirit of the Living God changes the way you think – I really needed a change in my thinking in the wee hours of the morning…and I still need changes in my thinking…NOW. Pursuing godliness will ensure that I allow the HOLY Spirit access to my thoughts.
Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world,
but let God transform you into a new person
by changing the way you think.
Then you will learn to know God’s will for you,
which is good and pleasing and perfect.
Romans 12:2 (NLT)
- Training for godliness is a priority – recently, I have begun to give more attention to fitness. Not in an inappropriate way (yet), but in a way that I believe is best for me. I want to be stronger and have better cardiovascular health. Am I making my training in godliness the priority (at least) that I am my physical training? I don’t just mean having a quiet time. But am I considering all of life–the moments that challenge me–an opportunity to train? I do this when someone does something that wounds me and choose what I will say or do in response. I have a chance then to “train” myself in godliness. Or do I “indulge” myself in doing whatever I want in those moments?
- contentment is produced – this is a sweet promise, and absolutely true.
Therefore, the goal in this life:
- …is NOT happiness. This is a no-brainer, really, but nevertheless, I realized as I listened that it was precisely what I had been insisting upon. I had elevated my happiness to the place of “idol.”
- …nor is it heaven (heaven is a promise for those who are in Christ).
These points ALL spoke uniquely and personally to my personal “bullet points” laid out for God during the late night and early morning hours. In fact, God couldn’t have responded more obviously to much of my tirade had he spoken audibly at the time.
How about you? Can you relate at all? Is happiness your primary pursuit like it has been mine? Have you found yourself frustrated and blaming others (or even, like me, blaming God)?
Let’s allow God to change our focus and our priority. He will change our thinking and we will experience contentment.
In what ways might this impact your eating or your view of your body? I know it definitely impacts me in this way!
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 24, 2010 | Blog
If all else were to be stripped away–even the good, the best, the beautiful, the holy–and I were to be left with nothing else, would Jesus be enough for me?
For you?
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 22, 2010 | Blog
Note: This post isn’t about Thin Within at all. At least not directly. I continue to have a great relationship with Thin Within and with the Hallidays.
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God is slaying me.
I remember as a kid, a saying that my mom would use, “Oh, he just slays me!” It typically meant that whoever it was made my mom laugh a lot or, at the very least, have a good time.
When I say “God is slaying me,” I don’t mean it that way at all.
I mean, he is killing me–my will, my affections, my desires, my longings, and many things that I thought were good and godly “things” that I have worked hard for almost all my adult life. I don’t understand how a good God could possibly do what He is doing when the very things he demands be put on the altar seem to be the things that he has asked of me. They are the things that have come about as a result of suffering. Now, I must go through suffering as I release these things to him? What is THAT about?
Shall the pot say to the potter, why have you made me thus?
If I just go with it, will it be better? I mean, I really wonder if suffering isn’t worse in some way, the more we cling to our “right” to go on without it, the more we insist that we deserve better, the more we insist, “But God, YOU said …..!!!” The more we claim that God’s “goodness” and “kindness” all mean what *I* think they mean and not what He IS, the worse life seems to be. Frankly, his ways are terrifying. It is impossible for me to trust him when his ways are SO terrifying.
I am so tired of striving with God. He wants to slay me and the very things that I thought he had hewn into the stone of my life. He wants the work I thought he had done to be crushed. Is it possible that it wasn’t him? How could that be? How could years have been spent building a life given to the Lord, only to have it be something that he now demands? Are the things he asked of me now dishonoring to him? Have I elevated the creatED to a place that is inappropriate? Is it an idol now?
I don’t understand. I want to understand.
Though, simultaneously, I am amazed at my arrogance.
Is this what “dying to self” means? If so, then we need to quit using it as a Christian catch phrase for anything and everything. It is brutal, violent, and devastating.
So what is really so bad about being slain? About losing my way? About letting go? Once he crushes me nothing is left to cling to. Grapes are crushed for their juice. Will anything sweet come out of me once I am crushed?
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 20, 2010 | Blog
Hi! If you are happening by “late” and want to join in our study of the Thin Within workbook, but don’t yet have a copy, you can place an order with Pam and Joe Donaldson. Just give a call to 877-729-8932 M-F, 9-5pm Eastern time and let them know you want the “Rebuilding God’s Temple Workbook Kit #1.” If you aren’t sure what it is, visit this link to see a run down about it.
Leaders, my pdf notes for this first session of my group may be found at this link. Please email me if you want the Microsoft Word version to edit for your personal use. Are you using these notes? I would love to hear about it if so.
If you are participating with us, your “assignment” for this week is to:
1.) Do lesson 2 in the Workbook, reading all the material for Lesson 2 and completing the workbook exercises for week 2.
2.) As you read and study, please continue your lists: “What God is Like” and “What God Does.” Use these to start your time each day with 5 minutes (or more) of praise. Thank God for His attributes and for the ways he interacts with humans. I often do this when I feel overwhelmed, down, or tempted. By recounting God’s attributes and saying them out loud, there is something powerful that happens in me. Temptation doesn’t quite have the power it otherwise would and I find my spirits are lifted. Whatever trials are harassing me get put in perspective in light of what an amazing God I have!
3.) Wait for 0 to eat physical food. Stop eating when you are physically satisfied. Ask the Lord to help you clarify physical satisfaction, if it seems unclear.
4.) Prayerfully evaluate if your use of the scale is in its proper place. Does the bathroom scale define what kind of day you have? What if you were to “fast” using the scale for a week? Does the thought bother you? Ask the Lord what he would have you to do about this. Some find it a very helpful tool. Others of us (including me) find that the scale is a tool of condemnation or pride. I can’t seem to get my heart in a place to use it appropriately, so I got rid of mine!
5.) This week, please consider visiting us at the Thin Within Facebook page or Thin Within forums to get and give support to others!
6.) I hope you will come back to the blog tomorrow or Tuesday and read the devotional that I will post here. More, I hope you will respond. I know I haven’t been “around” much. My family is going through a real challenging time and I am not online nearly so much, but I read every comment and respond when I can. I love it when I see you all interacting with one another. Please don’t give up! 🙂
7.) Feel free to comment here in response to any of the above. I would love to hear what God is doing in your lives!
I am praying for you all. Will you pray for me, too? 🙂
by Heidi Bylsma | Sep 13, 2010 | Blog
Blessed are those whose strength is in you,
who have set their hearts on pilgrimage.
As they pass through the Valley of Baca,
they make it a place of springs;
the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
They go from strength to strength,
till each appears before God in Zion.
Psalm 84:5-7
Typically, when someone comes to this blog, it is because they want encouragement with regard to their desire to change physically. Many (most?) visit this blog unhappy with the size or shape of their physical bodies. And this is the way it often begins. God gets our attention with our food or eating…and then the journey begins and sooner or later we discover that it really isn’t about food, eating, or body size/shape.
This is because (I guess) most of us realize that the physical condition in which we find ourselves is typically just an outward manifestation–a barometer, if you will–of something that is going on at a deeper level. “Within.”
We know almost intuitively that there is some inner churning or unworkable beliefs that have brought us to this place–this place of dissatisfaction with where we are.
So I ask you…are you ready for pilgrimage? Are you ready to move forward with the Lord? At some level, you must be! I don’t think you would be here at this blog if that wasn’t the case. So welcome! Let’s link arms together.
Question #1: Take a minute and answer in your journal or even here in the comments if you like–Describe that place from which you wish to “depart.” What are you hoping to leave behind as you move forward in your walk with the Lord?”
I am at an unusual place. I have found myself in a similar place only one time in my life–and that was over ten years ago. I struggle a great deal feeling like I am here, again, now…when I should be ten years farther down the road. It is my hope that I will understand God’s view of this “do over.” I want to leave this place in the dust–permanently. This is a place of uncertainty. It is also a place where old habits and mind sets with regard to food…things that I thought were ancient history…are again in my face! Emotions are raging and with that has come an ancient, yet somehow strangely familiar, feeling–that of being drawn to food for comfort.
This time, I have boundaries and I am not throwing these safeguards aside–at least not entirely. I know to do that would be to court disaster physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Nevertheless, I really hope that I will leave this “place” … and SOON.
My heart is SET on pilgrimage. Is yours? 🙂 Dictionary.com defines “pilgrimage” this way: a journey, esp. a long one, made to some sacred place as an act of religious devotion…
So, “journey” implies a starting place, a place I LEAVE, and a destination…that place to which I go.
I am ready! Get me OUT OF HERE! 🙂 Beam me up, Scotty!
Question #2: Based on Psalm 84:5-7 (the verses above), what does God’s Word say about the person who sets their heart on moving forward with Him—on pilgrimage?
What do you see in this passage about that? If you set your heart on pilgrimage, what does this passage seem to promise?
In the past, you may have focused on garnering up self-control or self-discipline to get your weight under control. However, according to Psalm 84:5-7, the one who is truly blessed finds strength where?
How does this promise make you feel?
Question #3: What have you done in the past to get your “weight” under control? What are tactics and techniques to which you have resorted?
If you are like most of us, this doesn’t just include dieting and exercising, but it also includes some pretty physically unhealthy behaviors…maybe purging, using laxatives, throwing up, or not eating at all! If you feel so led, share with us what techniques, tactics, and dieting strategies you have relied upon. What were the consequences of resorting to these things?
If you are like me, you may have been enticed by the promise of freedom that obsessive counting, exercising, weighing and measuring offered, but freedom was *NOT* the result–even if you lost weight. I will never forget how thrilled I was to be thin after a year with a popular weight loss program…but my heart was ensnared more than ever before. After a year of fixating my attention on food and weight, that was all I could think about. This was NOT freedom!
Thin Within throws all of the “wisdom” of the world out. Everything that “makes sense” to us…well…God may have us toss aside and do something entirely different. I dieted for years and years. I was “good” at it, too! It wasn’t until I gave up all my dieting “wisdom” and exercising knowledge and began to listen to the Lord and what he was leading me to do that I could begin to be at peace and become healthy physically, emotionally, and spiritually.
So, is your heart set on pilgrimage? Are you ready to leave everything you thought you knew behind and allow God to transform you inside and out by the renewing of your mind?
Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world,
why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules:
“Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”?
These are all destined to perish with use,
because they are based on human commands and teachings.
Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom,
with their self-imposed worship,
their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body,
but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
Colossians 2:20-23
We are heading on a journey where God will teach us more about ourselves and about Him than we may expect. It will be a wonderful, wild, and terrifying journey. I can’t lie to you. But he provides us the strength we need. Let’s depend on Him.
