The question is often asked, “Does God really care about how much I eat? Does overeating really bother him?”
Recently, I was struck by just how MUCH Jesus seems to care about meals. When I think about him attending the wedding meal at Cana in Galilee, or eating with “tax gatherers, prostitutes and thieves” and walking through the fields and munching on grain, when I remember that he did much of his ministry around a meal, well, I know that He cares about meals. In fact, I am blown away by the fact that after his resurrection, when he greeted some of the apostles on the beach, he made them breakfast! So, I guess I am finally able to wrap my mind around how God does care about food and meals generally. He definitely does.
Then when I think about how Jesus said in the Sermon on the Mount “Do not worry about what you eat or drink or what you will wear…” I begin to get a grasp on how he doesn’t want these things to cause me worry.
When I diet (a thing of the long ago past, I am thankful to say) or over-eat (something that is more and more a thing of the past), *I* am caused grief…I worry. I either worry about what I WILL eat or about what I HAVE eaten! He definitely doesn’t want that.
And, as I ook at some of the reasons I tend to eat more than my body needs, I see that there are characteristics in my life such as greed, lust…and even idolatry. Why do I eat more food than I need? For me, it is because I *want* it…or because there is an emotional need in my life that I am not going to God to have met. Either way…these aren’t godly behaviors.
In these cases, I am going my own way. When I choose my own way over God’s way, it *is* sin…and it grieves the heart of God and it is why Jesus went through so much….
He cares about when a sparrow falls to the ground and he says I am much more precious than any of them…so I know he cares about me intimately…that includes the things that concern me, that feed my soul, that feed my body…the temple of the Holy Spirit and enable me to operate to the maximum potential He intends!
This morning, as I was reading my bible, I ran across the account of King Asa of Judah. At this time in Israel’s history, the entire nation of Israel was divided into the northern kingdom–Israel–and southern kingdom–Judah. In 2 Chronicles 16, Asa wants to be fortified…to have a guarantee that he will be the stronger as Israel attacks. To ensure this, King Asa makes a treaty with the King of Aram. As you may recall, God has forbidden treaties of this kind for a myriad of reasons.
King Asa is confronted by the seer, Hanani, who gets in Asa’s face about the truth of the situation. Because King Asa had trusted in man, rather than God, what appeared to be a victory, would be his downfall. By trusting in an earthly king who was supposed to be his enemy, instead of the Lord, Asa had guaranteed that he would always be at war. (See 2 Chronicles 16: 7-9 )
King Asa’s response to Hanani’s disclosure is intriguing to me. In my mind, I recall how David responded when Nathan confronted him about his sin with Bathsheba and his murder of Bathsheba’s husband, Uriah. David repented and humbly looked to the consequences that the Lord ordained as a result of his sins.
Instead of humility and repentance, Asa flips out. He loses it. Have a look:
Asa was angry with the seer because of this;
he was so enraged that he put him in prison.
At the same time Asa brutally oppressed some of the people.
– 2 Chronicles 16:10
There is so much in this portion of scripture.
1.) There are choices to make. What seems to make sense, or be prudent, is often a treaty with the enemy. How does this show up in my desire to become whole relative to food, eating, body image? Where does it show up for you?
2.) How kind and tender God is to put people in my life who will challenge and exhort me–face me about my sin. If I look around and can’t see people like this in my life, I may want to ask why? Do I intentionally cut myself off from people that can be used of God to challenge me in this walk with him…to be more holy, to make the difficult choices? Relative to my desire to be free from my former obsessions with food and diet and self-absorption with my body, what can I do now to connect with people that God might use to encourage and challenge me?
3.) When I am faced with the reality of my own sin through the Word of God, through a conviction in my heart, or through the loving words of a godly friend, what is my reaction? Do I react in anger and lash out at others like King Asa? If I have inexplicable anger “issues,” perhaps it is a barometer of my not having dealt with sin in my life in a godly way. I know this principle is true for me. When I make rebellious choices, I tend to handle my frustration with myself by being cantankerous and ornery with others! How much better it would be to deal with my sin, instead of heaping sin up on sin! Are there ways I see this in my life right now relative to my desire for wholeness? Gosh, in the past week or so, I have been pursuing learning obedience with so much more diligence. I see my general demeanor has changed SO much! I am much more light-hearted and chipper…not lashing out. Hmm…seems like I might want to remember this in those moments when I am tempted by the “little sins” that “won’t hurt anybody else…” :-/
4.) Sometimes there are consequences to the treaties I have made. Boy, does this ever ring true for me. I was faithful to a popular weight loss program in 1996-1997. For a year, I was the star pupil at all the program meetings, getting awards and applause for my steady weight loss of 100 pounds (I subsequently regained most of that back during 1998). But during that year, my heart was becoming even more chained to food. The diet program was just another way I could obsess…and I learned in that year how to obsess and fixate on food even better than I had in all the years of overeating that came previously. Though God has redeemed many of those years, I still see that the dieting mentality can affect me so much–it is a consequence of that “treaty” for me. It is, in fact, one reason why this week’s “Babystep Challenge” has been something I have had so many concerns about. What other consequences am I having to deal with because of former “treaties” I have made? What “treaties” am I in right now? Who am I trusting in, God? Or man? Yikes. What consequences may yet be ahead if I continue on this path and don’t change my actions/heart ties?
Wow, there is so much here to be found from the experience of ancient King Asa.
Lord, thank you that Your Word is so rich with historical accounts of Your people–not just their victories, Lord, but, also their poor choices. Thank you that you have given me Your Word and that I can learn from it. Thank you that all Scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. Thank you for your Holy Spirit who convicts me of sin. Keep me, Lord, from making treaties with the enemy. Give me people in my life who can help me to see when I am going astray of what you want, Lord and make me tender-hearted and humble so that when I am confronted about my sin, I repent instead of lashing out in anger. Thank you for the choices you give me. Help me to make choices that honor my desire to put you first in all things. In the blessed Name of Jesus, Amen.
Last Thursday night in Minnesota, I gave a speech about some of the small – and seemingly bizarre – changes in diets that have led to people losing large amounts of weight.
Afterward a woman in her early fifties excitedly told she had last 33 pounds in the past 6 months by making only one change: She started drinking black coffee. More accurately, she had started drinking black coffee because she had stopped drinking it with cream and sugar.
Of the hundreds of small changes people have told me about that have helped them lose 25 lbs or more in less than a year, this was a first. When I was back at the hotel, I did a little math. Unless this woman drank over 7 cups of coffee a day (a possibility), the math didn’t add up.
What I suspect happened was that she did make this cream and sugar change. But this cream and sugar change probably led to her making other changes that were less obvious to her. It might have given her less of a sweet-tooth or less of a reason to sit down for a snack.
What small changes have you made that have led to other unexpected changes in what or how much you ate?
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Even in the short 24 hours or so since I have stepped forward with my own little change for this week, I have seen the truth in what Dr. Wansink says above. Being intentional about a little change, makes a difference in other ways!
As I mentioned, my biggest “challenge” will be whether or not I can take on these Babystep Challenges and:
1.) Not obsess about it, but remain obsessed with only ONE thing–my Lord Jesus!
2.) Refuse to beat myself up over the head if I do *not* “succeed” in one instance (or more) to meet my challenge of leaving food on my plate (yesterday I honestly forgot during one eating occasion…and I have to decide what to do with that…observe and correct or beat myself up!)
3.) Refuse to pat myself on the back in pride if I DO “succeed” in meeting my challenge!
These things are so much deeper than the physical act of leaving a few bites on my plate or in my bowl! Gosh, how simple things can be SO deep for me is beyond me! LOL!
I have lived a long while fearing that the old dieting mentality will again take over my thinking. So, to safe-guard myself from this, I live relatively unstructured when it comes to exercise, eating, and so forth. I fear returning to obsession, so I tend to err on the side of “free-spiritedness.” The thing is, I think a lack of commitment may be beneath this fear and even any good intentions.
I think God is calling me to try to take babysteps in structuring my life. So I am going to start small. I am going to take a “weekly challenge” for myself. I will see how it goes this first week before stating that I will do it again :-), but my intention is to string together a series of Babystep Weekly Challenges. These things can be relative to physical, emotional, or spiritual aspects to this journey (or any combination), but I want to dare to make physical goals, too…babysteps in overcoming my emotional avoidance–fear–of doing so. I believe that God wants me to experience freedom from this fear.
Ok…so that said…I want this week’s “Babystep Challenge” to be for me to leave *something* on my plate after every meal. I don’t do this to impress God or people. I do it to learn that boundaries can be helpful, to try to be sure to check my heart for greed, and to also help me to be sure to eat just a bit less. I tend to take smaller portions than I used to years ago before I began this leg of my journey, but my portions have grown some over the past 18 months. So this can help me get back to what I *need.*
I must admit…I am afraid I will take this simple goal and twist it into some sort of legalistic rule that I use to gauge my worth as a person. Silly! So I guess that the real Babystep Challenge for me would be “Not to turn this little babystep into a rule!” 🙂
I sure do tend to over-think things!
Anyone else need to take a little “Babystep Challenge?” 🙂
Every now and then, I find value in getting practical about the physical aspect of this journey. While the focus is the Lord and what He is working out in us while we are on this earth, sometimes there really is something obvious that strikes me…I believe that even these “practical tips” have spiritual components to them.
Anyhow, today, the thought that struck me is so often people just beginning to reject the dieting mentality struggle with one big thing in particular…sometimes it is the teaching that we *must* have breakfast each morning to “jump start” our metabolisms. Many who try the non-diet approach…that of waiting for the body to signal hunger…find that they aren’t hungry in the morning for several hours. They wonder if it is “ok” for them not to eat first thing in the morning. They have been taught by the medical/dieting community for years that if we “skip” breakfast, we will mess up our metabolisms further and not be able to release the extra weight on our bodies.
Here is something that strikes me rather profoundly…if I am not hungry within the first couple of hours in the morning, it is often because I have overeaten rather late the night before! I know this may sound obvious. But really, I think we forget this sometimes.
When I eat between the parameters of physical hunger and physical satisfaction, then when I eat my dinner, I have a small portion. Even if that is 8pm or so, typically by 10am my body will signal hunger. I go awry when I head into the kitchen yet one more time before bed–maybe while playing games or watching DVDs with the family–and “have a quick snack.” Usually this is “preventative” eating or something else…I am not really hungry. And if I *am* hungry before bed, it typically takes only a couple of *bites* to take the edge off of hunger so I can sleep.
So, if I am consistently not hungry for breakfast, I do well to analyze *why*. Is it because of overeating the night before?
That said, it may *not* be. Depending on medications you are on, how much extra weight you carry on your body, how active you have been and a whole host of other things, you may not get a legitimate hunger signal in the morning. Something I have found to be true…it is ok! I really CAN trust my body that God, who is an amazing designer, made! If I wait for a clear physical hunger signal, I can eat a small portion of food, even if it is at 1pm, and still release extra weight. I have done this and it works!
When I insist on eating breakfast even if I am not hungry, I have been convicted that this is allowing something other than the Lord to direct me…earthly wisdom…often, I just want to justify eating when I am not hungry…that same old rebellious attitude and I have the medical community to back me up, to help me to justify it!
So if you wonder about waiting until you get a clear hunger signal to eat and you don’t get a signal until 1pm during the day, thus “skipping” breakfast, yes! It is “ok!” The thing that messes up our metabolism isn’t the practice of waiting for hunger before eating! It is the practice of ignoring our hunger which is what dieting often causes us to do! Eating a small portion when you are hungry is a great strategy to give the body precisely what it NEEDS to restore a healthy metabolism!
If you wonder what the spiritual part of all of this is…just consider…”If I am not willing to do this, why not?” 🙂 If you are like me, there may be a whole host of reasons!!!!! Most of them point to things that God may want to address in my life!
My family members and I all go to youth group. I guess it is because hubby and I never really grew up that we go too. We love to go to youth group. I frankly feel like our youth pastor is a personal gift from God straight to my heart. When he speaks, I feel like God opens wide my heart and pours in a message straight from heaven. When he worships, I am brought before the throne of God and find myself with bended knee and bowed heart.
This past Wednesday, he asked the kids (including us “old” kids) what our New Years resolutions were. Fifteen and sixteen year olds answered things like “Giving up soda…” or “Getting along with my family.” I kept my yap shut this time because the only resolution I have had because of the “New Year” is one I didn’t want to share. Well, I was willing to share it, but figured it might not help Pastor Tony make his point. My resolution was “I will not make any New Year’s Resolutions.”
Why? you may ask… Well, a whole host of reasons. I find the artificial nature of creating promises to myself and God because of the calendar very shallow for me personally. God calls me to make decisions *daily* to resolveto this or that. It never ever ever has a thing to do with the date.
Furthermore, I realize my tendency to get very obsessive about “goals” or “resolutions” made with the flow of the world’s standards and expectations.
But it was odd how I felt at youth group, harboring this little known fact about myself…that I will not make “New Years resolutions.” I felt like I was some sort of unspiritual, church lady fraud--a rebel. Surely, I should be willing to make a resolution of some sort! I mean, other than “No resolutions!”
Today, while searching for a writing sample to send an editor for a project, I discovered an article I wrote some time ago…December of 2002, in fact, for Thin Within’s ThinLine magazine. I share it here in case it resonates with anyone. Funny how over 7 years later, it says what is on my heart so well!
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An Idol Worth Chasing?
Draped in angelic robes of godliness, adorned with prayer, “obedience” and “repentance” as watchwords, my latest idol has been the all-consuming focus of my life, yet very cleverly disguised. Robbing me of joy while subtly deceiving me into thinking all is well with my Lord and me, my idol has been a relentless slave master that can never be pleased.
Lifting my eyes for a moment, I finally hear the voice of Jesus wooing me over the deafening sound of my idol. In this place, I have a moment of clarity.
What is this idol that has held me spellbound? It is The Goal…The Goal of being thin. The Goal of being godly. The Goal of getting rid of the weight. The Goal of eating between 0 and 5. Bear with me while I explain.
Does the Lord want me to enjoy a healthier body? I have no doubt that he does. Does he want me to eat according to the God-given cues of hunger and fullness? Surely! Does he desire godliness in my life? Absolutely. Then what is the problem? What do I mean by declaring The Goal to be an idol?
The heart of the issue: God wants SO much more for my life than even these wonderful things.
You see, I have been pursuing my GOALS—to the exclusion of all else. To the exclusion of seeking HIM. Because my goals seemed heaven sent, it has been rather easy to fall into this trap. However, the madness that has driven me, the self-condemnation when not arriving or even making headway or “progress”…none of that focuses on the Lord. It focuses on…ME.
Someone wise once said that preoccupation with SELF is at the root of all sin. If that is true, and I believe it is a biblical principle, then these wonderful goals that I have sought after have been a truckload of sin in my life. Nothing should have my focus, my heart, my thoughts like this. Nothing but the Lord God Almighty who reigns over heaven and earth.
Worshiping the idol, The Goal, has caused an inordinate amount of pressure to be on my shoulders. Not just on my shoulders, but gouging deeply, HARD upon my chest where my heart lies, being squelched of love for the Lord. In my place of error, I have wondered “Why isn’t it enough, Lord?” “Why won’t you reward my efforts?” “What am I to do with what I feel has been such sacrifice without any pay off?” You see, I have thought that IF I do such and such, then God would do what HE is supposed to do. But He hasn’t been behaving! My pursuit of The Goal has caused my understanding of God to divert from a scriptural view. I have gone so far as to question “How can God be GOOD?” My image of God has been shaped in the shadow of my Idol. A form of godliness emptied of its power. I have been disillusioned, dismayed, disappointed …and downright angry…at GOD. Thankfully, He can take it.
Seeing this now, however, I am appalled at how deceived I have been. I have allowed The Goal to fill my vision. To be what I live for. To be what I wake up for. To be what I chastise myself for.
The truth, however, is this: The Lord wants so much more for me than just to be physically healthy. He even wants more for me than for me to be godly while on earth. He wants ME. He wants a vital, constant, non-stop, loving relationship with me. He wants to be my Goal. He wants to be my Pursuit. He wants to be my Everything.
The Goals, as long as they are allowed to remain, will remain as obstacles to what God wants for me. This amazing God wants to take even my frustration about this journey toward physical, mental, spiritual wholeness and transform it into a dynamic closeness with Him that surpasses anything I could ever dream or imagine. He doesn’t just want this for eternity. He wants it NOW. As long as I make anything The Goal, I am pandering after an idol, worshiping the Baal. Derailing that which my King, my God, wants.
No more. I refuse to cow to The Goal any longer. The challenge now? Defining the difference between “surrender” (which is something God calls me to do) and “giving up.” “Giving up” makes it look like I have stopped pursuing a Goal I have been called by God to pursue. But in this case, I haven’t been called to pursue it. “Surrendering,” on the other hand, means that I don’t expect God to behave according to my expectations and I will love and trust Him anyhow. I let go of my insistence that I can and will control things by what I do. As Larry Crabb says, “The pressure is off!”
It is time for me to let God be God. Personally, I like Him better when I let Him be who he is and stop pursuing everything else long enough to bask in the pleasure of His company. I want Him. As Paul said, “Whatever was to my profit, I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in Him…” (Philippians 3:7-9a)
I have an example of a “do over” (as mentioned in yesterday’s blog entry) that I am slowly, surely, going through, that I *am* doing God’s way. How about that! 🙂 I want to share a bit about this with you…not only to show you an example of what I have been talking about, but also to sort of add some element of accountability here for me. It isn’t settled yet.
One of the things I LOVE to do is to worship God. I love to sing and praise and love leading his people in worshiping him, too. I get an image in my mind of standing before the throne of God…He is the only audience and we are all there before him, worshiping Him and honoring and exalting Him. I am transported to a heavenly place where I have no sense of SELF and a total awareness of how HUGE and AWESOME and WONDERFUL the GOD I serve is!!!
I am quite insecure and care waaaay too much about what others think of me. It is something I have struggled with all my life in spite of God working with me on this for years. I see it can be an idol in my life! Anything that determines my steps, my choices, what I do and say, other than HIM, is suspect as an idol in my life. He wants to be what drives me, what sustains me and that is what I want, too, in the deepest part of who I am.
When you gain and lose and gain weight as quickly, often, and as much as I have (and do) over the years and when even Christian circles tend to evaluate people based on how they look, and when you are up front on a platform leading worship…well, you begin to think that any overhead light in the auditorium is shining directly on your hips, that people can’t worship because of you, that every extra pound points out your failure to live for the Lord…in front of “tons” of people! You become convinced that the people who aren’t closing their eyes when they worship are specifically analyzing YOUR pants size THIS week…and evaluating YOUR godliness based on what they come up with. It is a HORRIBLE place to be. SO self-preoccupied. And in the middle of worship??? Yuck! How fleshly can I be????
And, of course, this is based on the lie that people even CARE! It is a place where the enemy loves to taunt and torment me and try to keep me from being able to worship him freely, even as I help (hopefully) to lead the people in worship from the platform! It is AWFUL!
So, in the past, when I have gone through one of my “gaining” periods, I have bailed. I have said no to any requests to help out with leading worship, to sing solos, or any other “up front” ministry. I have refused to use my gifts, skills, talents and joys…whatever it is that HE has given me that allows me otherwise to serve and minister as He leads. In essence, I have allowed shame to beat me down–back into hiding under a bushel again. And shame begets sin begets shame begets sin.
So here is the do-over part. 🙂 As I have shared here, for the past 16 months or so (wow, has it been that long?), I have really been struggling with being obedient to the Lord. I know he wants me to learn obedience (I think previously, I wasn’t so obedient either…but masked it well, but that is best left for another blog entry). And my “struggle” has been manifested on my ever-widening hips once again. Each week that I am on the worship team, I have thoughts that flit through my head…I entertain the idea of quitting…of letting shame, once again, win the battle. On my really bad days, I torment myself about it. On the good days, it might be a fleeting thought that I dismiss with prayer and praise…but it is always before me. :-/
This time I know what is going on. I know that the Enemy of my soul is at the root of this. I know that he wants me to wrap my excuses in a “godly” reason, too:
“I dishonor the Lord by my disobedience, so I am not qualified to lead in any way…I should step down until I can be an example of honoring the Lord in my choices.”
The truth is, I have a call from God that trumps that so-called “godly” reasoning. God has told me without a doubt that this is one of the do-overs. That THIS time, I need to learn to praise him through it, to get eyes off of self and others and to press on to know Him more…
So that is what I am doing. Each Sunday when I get irritated with myself about what I will wear on the platform again (hopefully something that hides the obvious, is my thought), I entertain the notion of quitting…but He reminds me that this isn’t an option because He wants to teach me that if I keep my eyes on HIM, that is all that matters. I am there to praise HIM, exalt HIM, no matter what. So that is what I do. Sometimes it is a HUGE battle and I have to fight, even as I sing and play…for everything I am worth, to fix my eyes on HIM.
How about you? Are there ministries that you have allowed yourself to stop being involved in because of shame? Are there experiences you deny yourself and others…ways that you keep God from using you because of shame in your life? How about allowing God to make this into a do-over…and choose not to let shame and the Enemy win. Choose to praise Him in the midst of it. Choose to do THIS do over the way God would have you. Discover HIS sufficiency, His strength!
Do you remember being a kid in a classroom…and having a test or an assignment and not giving it your best…then getting a grade and being told, “No do-overs on this one!” Do you recall that feeling of having missed the boat, not having made the most of the opportunity to do your best?
On the other hand, there were times when I sploogied on an assignment or a test and the teacher announced that there *would* be a chance for a “do over,” and I was so relieved!
I love that God does “Do-Overs.” In fact, the Lord often brings do-overs again and again, until I DO make the most of the opportunity–allow HIM to do what He has in mind!
As I shared in a previous blog entry, sometimes “do overs” are painful. Actually, I have discovered that *most* times they are. The very fact that they trigger previous memories can be painful in and of itself! For instance, I found myself in a “do over” when our Pastor resigned last summer. I suddenly plummeted into an old dark place of rejection and abandonment. Fortunately, God helped me to see what was going on. I was smack dab in the middle of a “do over.” Instead of the helpless child who was scared and alone, I was surrounded by friends, family, and equipped with tools that the Lord has given me to manage difficult situations and emotions. By His grace, that “do over” was managed and it went a long way in displaying God’s redemption in my life for the years the locusts had eaten. Being on the pastoral search team and having a blog where my husband and I write about our experiences has been SO redemptive and SO healing!
In my previous blog entry here about another “do over” that God is currently providing, I mentioned that I was in a great deal of emotional pain because of the familiarity of the situation in which I currently find myself. I feel like someone’s LIFE depends on if I walk on egg-shells just right or not. I then feel resentful and bitter–I grew up feeling this way!…And guess what? As a child, I learned to soothe myself or comfort myself with food when I felt this way! After all, I “deserve” better treatment! I “need” comforting! It is no small wonder I am currently drawn to “comfort” foods excessively!
THIS time, though, I know that God wants to redeem this situation. He wants to show me that HE is sufficient, HE is my comfort, HE is my salvation! So I know that I can grow in this…and, at the same time, get the person I love the help he needs–something I couldn’t do when I was a kid for the person that I felt threatened by.
I realize that I must be willing to do these “do overs” the way GOD wants me to do them. Otherwise, I will not only struggle through this version of the “do over,” but I will guarantee that he will bring me yet another situation where things feel all-too-familiar…more pain, more chances to experience his healing, yet another do over!
To do the do over the way GOD wants me to do it means to resist the almost-instinctive urge I have to grab at food, or grab at another way to numb out, to quiet the hunger, stifle the ache. It means…and this is important…I must be still in that place of need. To sit and wait quietly for the Lord.
…it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
Lamentations 3:26
Jeremiah tells us simply…”It is good to wait quietly for the Lord.”
A slightly sarcastic, cynical and rebellious part of me wants to say “So, Jerry, ‘buddy,’ if that is so true, how come ‘waiting quietly for the Lord‘ hurts so much!?”
I have discovered that it is often because he allows me to experience need. I don’t like feeling need. Like a person uncomfortable with silences when getting to know a new friend, I can’t let that need, that void, that emptiness remain. I MUST fill it! With SOMETHING!
He tells me no…to be still. To wait quietly for HIS salvation, for HIS way for this “do over” to be done!
15 This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: “In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.
16 You said, ‘No, we will flee on horses.’ Therefore you will flee! You said, ‘We will ride off on swift horses.’ Therefore your pursuers will be swift!”
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; he rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for him!
– Isaiah 30: 15, 16, 18
Oh! How like the people in this passage I am so very often when given a chance for a do over! I want to flee! Or if not that, then the quick fix!
He longs to be gracious to me, to you. He rises to show me compassion, to show YOU compassion. We must wait for him during this do over and resist the overwhelming urge to stuff our faces with yet one more thing to eat, or to fill our schedules with one more thing, or to concoct one more strategy to depend on ourselves to solve the issue, or to lunge for one more unneeded toy (when our credit cards are maxxed out already)…Whatever it is, will you, will I rest, repent, wait (in quietness and trust) for the salvation of the Lord? Will we allow ourselves to acknowledge our lack, our need? Will we wait for him to satisfy the need His way? This is the purpose of a do-over! He uses these do overs to redeem the many years that may have come before where we didn’t experience this because we did things our own way!
I don’t really understand this mentality I am struggling with. Why do I want to *run* from the One who loves me? Why do I want to dodge His questions? His healing?
Healing is (ironically enough) painful. He has brought me to a place that is soooo familiar. And I detest it. It feels like a place where I was raised…where I felt helpless…and my hands were tied. I see that he has brought me to this place because *this* time he wants to show me how he intends these kinds of circumstances to bring forth His purposes, His fruit, His healing, His growth. (Instead of self-sufficiency and the “fruit” of doing it my way…)
But all I know is that this feels so familiar–painful…I feel like a trapped animal. As a child, I was trapped in these circumstances. As an adult, I have some freedom.
He wants me to forego the exercise of this freedom or, even more, to choose to exercise my freedom in going through this place, this place I want to flee from, that I want to avoid, that I want to deny.
In my head, I know His healing is here. But I am reacting as if I am still that 8 year old child, helpless, unprotected, afraid…
The entire thing is making me angry, too.
I must be willing to prayerfully evaluate the roll my emotions and my past (and my present experience of reliving the past) have on my disordered eating. This is an opportunity to do that. Instead of running from Him, I have to make a choice to surrender…and to invite the pain to wash over me long enough to experience what He intends. I know healing is in this place. I know it… but it is so hard to willingly subject myself to the pain of it all.
Recently, I was struck by just how MUCH Jesus seems to care about meals. When I think about him attending the wedding meal at Cana in Galilee, or eating with “tax gatherers, prostitutes and thieves” and walking through the fields and munching on grain, when I remember that he did much of his ministry around a meal, well, I know that He cares about meals. In fact, I am blown away by the fact that after his resurrection, when he greeted some of the apostles on the beach, he made them breakfast! So, I guess I am finally able to wrap my mind around how God does care about food and meals generally. He definitely does.
When I diet (a thing of the long ago past, I am thankful to say) or over-eat (something that is more and more a thing of the past), *I* am caused grief…I worry. I either worry about what I WILL eat or about what I HAVE eaten! He definitely doesn’t want that.
