“Size matters not” as one famous Jedi once correctly said….There may not be much godly wisdom that comes from the 3 foot tall (or is he shorter than that?) sage of Star Wars infamy, but he is definitely right about this. I think to a large degree, this is God’s own wisdom!
Can I just GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD? 🙂
If life is about my body and my size and weight, then I have failed big time since October 2008.
Oh yes, indeed! In fact, what better description of “failure” can there be in this world than to finally, after years of struggling with losing weight, gaining it, losing weight, gaining it, writing about it all and the deeper work God wants to do, losing weight, gaining it some more, writing about it some more, then finally losing it…and keeping it off (!!!), “arriving” and “camping there,” earnestly striving to encourage others….only to gain weight back!?!?!?
The enemy has had a hey day with me over this…and, as you know if you have followed this blog at all, “FAILURE” has been a label I have tried to dodge–on some days better than others. Some days I have just let the label roll over me like a Mack truck.
..but the truth of the matter is, God has allowed this to happen in my life so that I could catch sight of much greater truths no matter what size I am! Size 12 or size 14…it makes no matter. SIZE MATTERS NOT!
The reality is…this doesn’t have to BE the “failure” I have made it out to be. In fact, I think God has something to say about this:
33 He turned rivers into a desert, flowing springs into thirsty ground,
34 and fruitful land into a salt waste, because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
35 He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs;
36 there he brought the hungry to live, and they founded a city where they could settle.
– Psalm 107:33-36
Has your fruitful land become a salt waste? Maybe God is trying to get your attention to teach you a tremendously important lesson: that success or failure is not the basis of your self-worth. Maybe the only way you can learn this lesson is by experiencing the pain of failure. In His great love, God leads us through experiences that are difficult but essential to our growth and development. The Search for Significance, pages 40-41
My rivers and flowing springs…my “fruitful land” if you will…has been turned into desert and thirsty ground. My “success” has been turned to “failure,” for the sake of a greater work he is doing. What relief there is in rolling with this! No, it doesn’t mean I throw in the towel on maintaining godly boundaries! Not at all! It means, I am discovering my natural God-given size (as opposed to my unnatural caffeine-given size), but more– I am discovering a “supernatural, God-given character change!” It is worth it! OH! It is worth it! All of this baggage I have carried for so long is being exposed by this…by this! It is amazing that He can do this.
In exposing it, it is being dismantled…”unpacked” as it were. I am not carrying it into each and every situation. All because I gained a few pounds! I love it! Truly I do.
For our benefit, God often allows us to experience circumstances that will enable us to recognize our blind adherence to Satan’s deceptions. Many times these circumstances seem very negative, but through them we can learn valuable life-changing truths. The Search for Significance, p. 39
The doctor appointment for a complete physical was a great opportunity for God to work in the present time exposing the lies I have believed and the fact that I bring these lies and their subsequent emotional baggage into the present moment. This causes things to be emotional “powder kegs,” hindering my ability to be effective and sane–and godly, too! Yes, I have learned a valuable life-changing truth, all right!
God led me to be proactive. As I greeted my doctor, I was cordial. It was the end of a harried day in the office, no doubt…they had taken walk-ins and emergencies, so I had waited a long time to be seen and I knew that she was probably fried. I told her I can’t imagine a day like she had had and then having to wrap it up with an exam like this one couldn’t be a fun way to end a Friday. :-/
Then I explained that I would get right down to what had prompted my making the appointment–that in October of 2007 I was at a weight of 150-153 and held it steady for a year, until October 2008. Doing the same things that I had done to lose the weight (100 pounds) and then to maintain it for another year, I had nevertheless gained about 10-15 pounds. I acknowledged this to her and told her I wanted to know if anything could explain this medically. I also explained that I had gone from copious quantities of diet coke to no more diet coke.
She went over my blood work and everything looked terrific to her. I take issue with the TSH level and her conclusions about it and may get a second opinion since thyroid could explain the weight gain and some of the other symptoms I have. My cholesterol is low (in spite of french fries at McDonalds!), my glucose is great, liver function is happy–in spite of having lived as a human laboratory rat for 20 years with all the NutraSweet I had been drinking! My blood pressure IS high again, but it had climbed even before October of 2008…and so I will be treated for that again. Sigh…a blow to my pride, but genetics has won out, I guess.
So, in short, her answer was “No, nothing can medically explain your weight gain.”
Reality check here…less caffeine has probably really changed my metabolism (duh…I have said this before). But it doesn’t matter what has made a change. The question is…
…am I TRULY waiting for 0 or, mindlessly and without prayer, just eating what I always did for two years when I lost weight and maintained it?
So there is a need to be more honest with myself. In the past, I got away with “fudging” things some. Maybe I can’t any more. God is calling me to be…dare I say it… a bit more honest?
At one point, I felt such a sense of compassion and love for this woman, I knew that Christ was giving me a glimpse of his heart for her. It was really a tender experience for me and I knew that I had to stop referring to her as “DragonLady” and begin to identify her by name…though I won’t do that here to protect her identity.
A dragon WAS slain through this…the “dragon” of past emotions and experiences that have led to believing Satan’s lies and bringing that with me into the present, causing me to interpret things through black-colored glasses! Good grief! How I have over-reacted to her lack of tact and lack of professionalism in the past, certainly. Yes, I will look for a new doctor because of these things…but nevertheless…I rejoice that I didn’t bail before having the opportunity to see just how much I am responsible for all I felt as I faced into this appointment.
More on the deeper stuff tomorrow. God is sure using this extra weight to teach me some powerful truths. WOW! I can honestly say for the first time…this is worth it. Wow. It really is. IT IS WORTH IT to have these pounds if by doing so I truly see some things in my character that He has wanted me to see…and from which he wants to free me. PRAISE YOU, LORD!
THIS MOMENT MATTERS! It really does! Every single solitary moment offers ramifications for eternity. BIG things, things that move heaven and earth, can happen in a moment! (Just do a quick–no pun intended–read through the gospel of Mark, noting references to time passing –like “as soon as” or “after a little while” and so on–to see what I mean!)
When we minimize the value of our choice in a moment, we are buying a lie straight out of the pit. What you think, do, say, feel in this moment…well, IT MATTERS! How often have you said or heard someone says, “Just this once won’t matter…” …but, the reality is, it DOES!
What good is it to be free from sin through Jesus Christ and have every opportunity and every possibility of walking in holiness and righteousness (with a sense of self-worth, security, and assurance that you are loved by God and valuable to Him) if at the moment of choice you ignore these things and choose to go right on as though you’re a slave to sin! Ray Stedman, “From Guilt to Glory,” as quote in GTST, p. 171
In the heat and emotions of the moment, a decision is made…each moment (I am being redundant for emphasis)…for the flesh or for the Spirit. The choice I make in this moment is like a seed. What kind of seed will it be? Will it be sown for the Spirit to reap spiritual, life-giving fruit? Or will it be a seed sown to the flesh, reaping death? The choice I make in the moment matters in the changing and forming of my character–in becoming more Christ-like.
And yet, I minimize the value of the moment so frequently.
Consider, in one moment, Jesus said, “Not my will, but yours, Father, be done.” In one moment, he breathed his last on the cross and said, “It is finished.” In one moment, Judas chose betrayal. In one moment, Judas chose to allow the rope to have it’s way with his neck. (Sorry to be graphic…) In one moment Pilate said “Crucify Him, then!”
Choices in the moment are IMPORTANT.
In one moment, I can harden my heart to the sweet voice of the Spirit. I can put on blinders that say “No. MY way, Lord.” Or I can welcome his presence into the emptiness that lures me to food. In this moment, I can say, “Yes, Lord. I wait on YOU to feed my soul…”
To deny myself what my flesh wants in this moment isn’t just about “losing weight.” It is about sowing for the Spirit in my life…this lasts for eternity! There are eternal ramifications!
The moment of choice involves the willingness to surrender our old nature to the Spirit of God. Choice engages our will governed by the Spirit. Choice involves examining our old unworkable beliefs and habitual responses and replacing them with truthful beliefs followed by choices that yield action in accordance with the Spirit. GTST, page 171.
It is amazing what can happen in a single moment. I choose in a moment to surrender or not. To surrender to God in the moment is followed by many moments of relief and joy that I have done so! To give in to my flesh in the moment is followed by regret and self-condemnation for many moments, too. The moment of decision matters so much. It also leads to other moments that will be influenced by the decision. When I condemn myself, I am more likely to make additional choices that will continue the spiral down. So why not capture the moment for joy? For delight? For “success” and “victory?”
So, in the blink of an eye, I choose to REJECT old unworkable beliefs in favor of God’s way or I can dig deeper the rut of sameness…the sameness that doesn’t serve me or the goals God has given me…
NO WAY.
Buck this with me today. Ok? Let’s throw off the momentary decisions that keep us locked in to things that have derailed all our godly goals! Let’s grab THIS moment for the Lord…and now THIS moment…ok…now THIS one! See how that works? Before you know it, we have a whole series of moments that have been grabbed for the Lord..maybe even an hour’s worth of moments! And the cool thing is, even if we have a moment of indiscretion, it doesn’t negate all the many moments we have given to the Lord. In God’s great economy, all those moments that we choose to die to self and say yes to the Spirit somehow are like some wondrously amazing investment reaping fruit 100 times! Trust Him that he will take your momentary decisions and use them for great things! I will too!
I have been dreading the appointment on Friday with DragonLady — my doctor–who likes to try to use shame, guilt, condemnation –FEAR–in order to elicit change.
Some years ago, when my weight had gone up up up with each appointment, she finally gave in and threw off her supposed professional self-restraint and, upon seeing my current weight (at the time it was 250 pounds), breathed a contemptuous, “Your POOR horses!” (No eye contact offered…)
Ok, this was ROTTEN. I mean dirty, low down and, simply, NOT good and Satan himself couldn’t have heaped better condemnation on me if he had been standing in the room. For several years prior to that comment, I had tormented myself about how hard it was for the horses to carry me and I had, in fact, STOPPED riding them. The only reliable horse I had at the time was Breezy–rather diminutive in stature (though very LARGE in spirit and attitude). The other horses I had were “green” and very sensitive and I reasoned that their behavior issues when I was aboard might be related to my size and inability to sit well upon them. Some heavy people have an amazing “seat” and are easier for a horse to carry than some lighter folks who don’t have a “good seat,” but I was reasonably assured that I didn’t have either a light body *or* a good seat…
So DragonLady, as I dubbed her that day, merely gave a voice and face to the self-condemning messages I had been sending myself for a while.
Even after I released a lot of weight through 2007, I had this sense that DragonLady wanted to hear all about the marathons I had been running (I hadn’t been) or the strength training program I was committed to (I wasn’t) or the veggies and lean meats I was eating (bleah…unless the veggies are in salsa). She couldn’t “hear” that I was eating anything I wanted when I was hungry (typically NOT veggies and lean meats) and stopping when I was no longer hungry and definitely couldn’t abide my sharing that “I go to God for all of the other reasons I have eaten in the past…” – No…I think DragonLady is pretty well anti-God and all about how great the human body is when it is thin and exercised (she would have loved me during my obsessive years…).
So yesterday, about mid-afternoon, something inside me flipped out–big time. I went into hyper-freak-out mode and my accountability partner (who follows my blog somewhat and perhaps having seen what a cheery morning post I had put on the blog…) upon seeing my accountability report at the end of the day said: Is this about your appointment with DragonLady on Friday afternoon?
Well…if she hadn’t said that, I don’t think I would have given it any thought. As it was, it struck me as a BFO (blinding flash of the obvious!) DUH!
I was freaking out about the extra pounds I was now carrying since the last time I saw DragonLady. I was freaking out about my blood pressure being up (well, gosh, if I am freaking out about anything else, I am sure my blood pressure will also reflect that…) and frustrated that I felt TRAPPPED with no way to escape. I mean, I really really really want to know if there is anything medically that can explain the *betrayal* I have felt at the hands of my body gone bonkers since I got off of diet soda. I had my blood tests last Friday and the policy is they won’t let me see the results, but that DragonLady has to go over them with me. It is a conspiracy!!!!
This morning, my heavenly Daddy led me to evaluate what is really going on here. He used the principles in His Word and in the book and workbook The Search For Significance. What I discovered was profound to me and it is clear that much of the emotional work of the previous months and years has been pointing to something like this…to be able to dismantle an extreme emotional reaction to an event and be able to counter my responses with TRUTH–God’s truth. I want to share this here. This has a TRUCKLOAD to do with weight, body image and eating, so I hope anyone who wades through all of this rambling “brain barfing” will be able to find a real life application for themselves as well.
Given over to the runaway thoughts that were plaguing me yesterday, I could have gone nuts eating and not looked back for weeks. In fact, I had a rough evening with my eating…and there was definitely a connection (thus, the question from my accountability partner).
First question to ask myself: What is the worst thing that could happen tomorrow when I see Dragonlady? She could rebuke me for my weight gain, say something sarcastic, elicit shame, and a sense of condemnation. I could end up going through the drive through on the way home, ordering 12 snack wraps at McDonalds, a large fry, and hop over to Carl’s Jr. for an Oreo milkshake, all chased with a 44 oz. DIET COKE! HA! Ok, so this is the worst that could happen…and it sounds like a crash and burn to me!
But then, worse than that, I could take that “failure” with me into the following days and weeks and the spiral down could continue. So, that all sounds pretty bad to me.
So what to do? I can either cancel my appointment with DragonLady and start from scratch with a new doctor who might or might not be better than DragonLady, let alone have to reacquaint herself with my records…or, I can evaluate this and see if there is something going on that God wants to heal.
So I am looking head on at this. I choose healing. Ouch. It is always painful when I do that. But it is also always such a relief in the long run.
So the worst thing is DragonLady may trigger all my past stuff.
I DO NOT NEED TO ALLOW THAT TO HAPPEN.
I want to experience the present moment and maybe there will be healing here. I mean, I don’t NEED to be a victim to any more DragonLady types. I am a VICTOR, more than a conqueror in Christ!
So, God led me to ask “What emotions are present here?” I prayerfully evaluated what emotions are present as I anticipate my doctor’s appointment. I realized there are a bunch of things. I fear being “caught” and “exposed.” I fear her feeling “contempt” for me and these things: shame, guilt, feeling stupid, feeling inferior, rejection, discouragement, inadequate, insignificant, embarrassed–all of these things in relation to a DOCTOR appointment??? WOW! Talk about an overreaction!
So I asked the Lord the third question: What is at the root of all this stuff! I mean, she is just a person. No one “special” to me personally.
He showed me that my fear of abandonment is at the root of this. No, not by DragonLady, but all of these emotions are connected to “I don’t measure up and if I don’t measure up, I will be abandoned.” I know this is related to the fact that, as a kid, my mom and dad tried to place me in a foster home. We had financial stability–my dad was a well-respected physician. It wasn’t like there was a “need”…I interpreted it as “My mom doesn’t want me any more. If I were different she would. I don’t measure up.” Somehow, in feeling like I don’t measure up even to Dragonlady, it triggers that sense of “I am unworthy. I am unwanted.”
So, AHA!!! This is a lie from the pit of hell! I can counter this with God’s Truth! God led me this morning to confess that I have bought in to Satan’s lie…that my performance, how “good” I am, defines my worth. I have allowed this to define my self worth for so long and now it is actually hindering me from being able to be at peace going to something so simple as an appointment with my doctor. So, I confess that and I confess that I also know that HE ALONE DEFINES MY WORTH and VALUE. My mother in the past doesn’t and all the other authority figures in my life that were disappointed with my “performance” don’t either. DragonLady doesn’t and MY WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE MY WORTH either! Others’ opinions of me do NOT define my worth.
I am deeply loved, completely forgiven and pleasing to God, totally accepted by God, and a new creation, complete in Christ.
The reason I react so strongly to DragonLady isn’t her lack of professionalism and lack of tact and just stupidly rude comments of the past. It is because of the baggage I bring with me, the huge part of which is believing the lie that what others think of me defines my worth. If I go to my appointment solidly believing that God alone defines my worth, then gosh…it doesn’t much matter what she says or does. I won’t end up with the “crash and burn” thing happening afterwards. If I believe what GOD says is true…that I am precious NO MATTER WHAT…then I go in the same person I come out–perfect and holy in Christ. PERIOD. Nothing DragonLady says or does changes my value!
I have allowed my weight to make me feel like I have value or not. I have allowed my body size to define my worth. I see it as a failure or not–value or not–and I assume others do too. Because I have allowed myself to base my life and self-worth on this false belief I have set myself up for feeling HORRIBLE when I encounter DragonLady (and others). I have set myself up to FEEL like a failure. No matter what DragonLady says or does, it is NOT a reflection of my character, value, or worth.
I choose this day to REJECT the notion that my weight or blood pressure defines my worth. I have embraced these lies for so long that in a situation like this I am a mess. NOT THIS TIME! NANNER NANNER MOO MOO, Satan! You can’t trip me up THIS time!
I take responsibility for my weight, yes. But I am going to find out if there is a medical reason for my body functioning differently. I also take responsibility for feeling so agitated, worried, freaked about my appointment with DragonLady because I have believed lies. In fact, I will go one more…
I choose to repent and confess right now that God alone defines my worth. I have for too long bought Satan’s deception and it has caused me to have emotions and feelings–and subsequent sinful actions many times–that are out of God’s will for me! I reject Satan’s deception today. I choose to embrace God’s truth that I am deeply loved, fully pleasing, completely forgiven, totally accepted and complete in Christ. (I know I am being redundant…but I have to learn to think differently…for all the times I have repeated the lies, I know I may need to repeat the truth…)
Our new nature in Christ is liberty: liberty from the bondage to food, eating, and weight; liberty from the shackles of the painful past; and liberty from the grave clothes of our addictions. Through his grace we experience the powerful movement of the Spirit from within us, the consequence of the Spirit’s authority in our lives. As we stop relying on ourselves and start trusting God, we find that, rather than being controlled by our obsessions with food, eating, and weight, our patterns of sin and addiction can be broken. GTST, p. 168
For years, not only have I made FOOD a big focus of my life, but I also have made dieting a big focus. And, even, NON-dieting (Thin Within) a big focus of my life. Everything, it seems, was about food and weight or about “breaking free” from food and weight. God is showing me that this, too, can be a ruse to dealing with the deeper issues.
So, he has been scraping my life clear of these “solutions.” In the big emptiness that remains, God’s grace is moving in and through…There is a mighty desert where the fire of the Spirit has scorched the briars, thistles and weeds of my attempted solutions–all the things I have filled my life with to “fix” myself. But now, the wind of His Spirit blows through as well. I sense His presence mightily. It is, at times, overwhelming. It is astonishingly refreshing and I see clearly…that I have been trying to fix myself, even these past two and a half years. I lay that down. I CHOOSE to trust God with this. To no longer be controlled by obsessions of any kind. Even “I am fixing it” obsessions.
In keeping with the Lazarus theme and this very thing that the Lord is laying on my heart, this passage so summarizes my longing:
But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ— the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Philippians 3:7-11
Everything a loss? Even the good things!
I am experiencing this freedom as never before, but it is definitely coming through the fellowship of sharing in sufferings.
The tension between the old nature and the new nature may prompt us simply to try harder to control our actions in order to promote a pattern of behavior in accordance with the Spirit. However, the means toward life in the Spirit is not one of trying harder or of perfection attained through legalistic controls–the means toward new life is grace…we observe our behavior and correct it with the compassion of Christ. GTST, p. 169
This is where I have to spout off again WITH JOY– I am deeply loved by God, I am completely forgiven by God. I am fully pleasing to God. I am totally acceptable and accepted by God. I am a new creation, complete in Christ! IS THIS NOT CAUSE TO DO THE HAPPY DANCE? Such JOY there is in embracing these TRUTHS!
Ok, just a reality check here…in light of these TRUTHS, what can food for any reason other than fuel, really offer me? Nothing. What can diet coke offer me? Nothing. This stuff is my real food and drink. It is SO sustaining.
God is feeding my hungry soul.
I pray the same for you. It is a bear letting my soul stay hungry long enough to wait for Him or for me to recognize His presence–to wait and not to feed it something (anything), but waiting for him, he brings home truth to which I have been NUMB for so long. I can’t just partially “numb out.” If I numb myself to pain, I will also be numb to joy, truth, peace…”That ain’t no way to live!”
I have to laugh! Titling this post “Holy Struggle – Part 1” is definitely a misnomer! This entire JOURNEY has been a “holy struggle!” So calling this post “Holy Struggle Part 32,039” might be a better fit! LOL!
I continue to make my way through Get Thin Stay Thin by the Hallidays. I am on Chapter 8 which is titled “Holy Struggle.”
When we feel and acknowledge the pain and the hunger, we immediately expect food…GTST, p. 166
The past two blog entries I have spoken about processing things, allowing myself to FEEL the pain of unresolved issues, current or past, and asking God how HE wants me to deal with them. I do this so that I process them in a godly way and cease from “short-circuiting” his intentions, allowing Him to work his will in my life. Doing this is painful. I feel the silent hunger of my heart that I have been stifling for so long. And I see my tendency to grab food, or a “soothing” hot chocolate beverage or to distract my mind by working on the internet (I do graphic and website design).
…this is the essence of addictive behavior–turning to the quick fix when the emotions are high, when the pain is throbbing. We try to anesthetize those feelings with food. GTST, p. 166
How true. I know the futility of doing this. Do you? The food may seem to make it better for a short while, but truthfully, whatever it is God wants to do in my life is derailed and then has to be revisited. In supposedly avoiding it…again, I merely prolong the inevitable. He will bring yet another situation to my life to allow those same feelings to surface. Often, this causes that “triggering” thing that I mentioned in my previous post…how much easier it would be if I would allow Him to work His will in my life now instead of running from it…even if it hurts.
…so when God says, “Wait,” or, “Be patient, I am feeding you,” often our response is, “Well, great, but it’s not what I ordered.” We struggle against God’s request for patience because everything in us is saying, “NO! This hunger doesn’t feel good. It hurts and I want to feel better right now! Feed it!” GTST, p. 166
Oh how well I can relate to this…in a big way. I want everything to be ok, for my home to be in order, for my life to be ok, the kids happy and plugged in to life with others. I don’t want to wait when I feel pain. It seems so counter-intuitive. Lord, please help me to wait on you.
It becomes a holy struggle simply to choose not to put something between ourselves and that pain, between ourselves and another person, between ourselves and God. Holy struggle is choosing to deal with the pain, not to give in to our old addictions and not to develop new ones. GTST, p. 166
God has been doing such a major process with me in all of this. Right now, as I face going to the doctor, I face into the potential for being shamed by her in which case I will end up giving her a piece of my mind (speaking the truth in love…HA! Yeah, right!). I would rather NOT go to the doctor than face this fear and possible shaming experience. I struggle with feeling shame enough as it is. Instead, I need to cling to the Lord and hold his hand through it. I need to realize ahead of time, that if the doctor tries the shaming thing, it WILL likely trigger unresolved issues. I need to welcome that as an opportunity to process these afresh, with the LORD, HIS will HIS WAY, through all of those memories and experiences.
However, I would rather RUN and pacify myself with talk of going to her later after I’ve found a way to get these extra pounds off that I have “found” again…see there? It is still about performance…God is allowing this season of my life so I can break free from that and he is working with me on it SO much, but I still wear the pounds “found” again like a badge of DIShonor…good grief! Years of doing that are hard to shake. If I can’t run (and I can’t), I want to numb myself to this feeling of being trapped…
It IS a holy struggle. I must surrender. I think instead of fighting and writhing around about it, I need to rest…stop fighting what God wants to do. Allow His Spirit in me to rise up and flow in and through my weakness…Do it, Lord…please do it…
The Hallidays use the story of Lazarus having been in the grave and called out by Jesus to new life as a picture of the process to which God calls us. God invites us out of disordered eating, flesh machinery, and unworkable beliefs to abundant life. Lazarus, four days in the grave, is called by Jesus to step forth from the dead into life:
When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”
John 11: 43-44
Close friends and family participate in Lazarus’ grave clothe unwrapping and welcome Lazarus to a new life. We must allow our grave clothes to be unwrapped in order to fully embrace the new abundant life that Jesus calls us to experience.
So today I had a new realization of what the grave clothes even are. For some reason, the concept was vague for me before. So here are my thoughts on that and I hope it will make sense.
As with Lazarus, our grave clothes keep us bound. They may even hide the “stench” and “decay” of who we really are. In our case, this isn’t physical decay, but more of a “decay of spirit” from years of wounds inflicted (maybe even abuse) and from rubbing shoulders with others in this world who are sinful. Our grave clothes insulate us from the pain we feel when we have a close look at who we are and how we feel about things, people, life. Until now, when we have inadvertently gotten in touch with pain in our deepest places–that “silent hunger,”–we may have earnestly added another layer of wrappings to suppress it, to keep it quiet. We have relied on our own way of protecting ourselves. For some of us this has been through substance abuse, “numbing out” with online game playing, reading (even good Christian books!)–anything that might keep us from feeling or from dealing with real life.
But right now, Jesus calls to each of us:
“______ (insert your name) COME OUT!”
The process to which we are called is to step out of “hiding” and then slowly, with respect, unwrap the grave clothes that we have relied on for so long–those unworkable beliefs, habitual ways of handling things, addictions…and as we set them aside a bit at a time, allow ourselves to *feel*. (This is best done in some form of community–with a close friend, godly Christian counselor, or small group with whom we can dare to be ourselves safely.)
We do this with fear and trepidation–it is true. But we don’t do it alone. With a godly, loving friend at our side and with the Lord Jesus’ hand in our own, we can go to him with what comes up in our spirit, in our soul–in the aching, empty part of our hearts.
Instead of crushing the cry with grave wrappings, we give it a voice, invite it to be heard, offer it to the Lover of our Souls…
“This, Lord…what do I do with this…?”
Where before we quickly “bound it up,” kept it “under wraps,” stifled the feeling, now we dare to let ourselves see what is really there. (This connects with this blog entry. The two go hand in hand.)
We step into the light, free from the grave clothes that protected us from many things, but that also kept us from really being all God has intended. He intends that we experience the abundant life in Christ,including His peace and His joy–things that are diminished in our attempts to diminish the sensation of pain. We have to stop clinging to our own self-reliance, our own way of doing things.
Slowly, over time, as we peel away layer upon layer of the grave clothes, he shows us all the healing he intends for our hearts and how we have been relying on food in a superficial way to counterfeit what he wants to do truly from the inside out.
The unwrapping of the grave clothes happens one baby step choice at a time in the present moment. It is that choice now NOT to turn to another dish of ice cream. It is that decision now not to guzzle one more diet soda. It is that willingness to refrain from “vegging out with a movie,” and, instead, to stay present to real life–now. It is being willing to be sleepless for a time, if need be, to forgo using the Tylenol PMs at night because of using caffeine too much during the day…it is being willing to experience life, now…, Even without caffeine by day and without sleep aids by night! To feel…now…whatever that may mean.
I have to trust that God will take me through this. That is the hard part. I mean, Jesus let Lazarus die when he could have prevented that. There was a greater glory in store. Can you imagine Lazarus ever doubted the Lordship of Christ after that experience? He may have known Jesus as a pretty amazing man before hand–maybe even thought he was from God, but after being sick, suffering, dying and being in the grave four days, only to be called out…I think he may have thought the suffering was worth what he learned through it. Jesus is God…he can do anything!
How much will I allow my past to define me now? Will I believe that the Lord is greater than any of my past failures or the wrongs done to me? Will I believe what HE has said about me? This is very much related to my eating. Especially when it comes to emotional eating (and other strongholds).
This is how it has worked for me:
Someone says something that I interpret as rejection (or some other unpleasant thing). It triggers a memory, however distant (maybe even from 4th grade!). I may not even be aware that it has triggered that memory. Before I know it, I have taken whatever was done in the present moment and attributed to the present things that went with a past event. In fact, I may even allow a “domino” affect to take place…triggering an entire series of past memories that seem related. I may do this all without realizing it!
I may, in fact, respond as if I were that little girl in 4th grade trying to fit in and not quite making it. Even though I am an adult in the present moment, my experiences with similar emotions may be stunted…I haven’t ever responded as an adult to these kinds of emotions…or I have rarely because I have tended to use coping mechanisms (like eating) to make it through.
At this point, I may find myself feeling emotional pain…and projecting all kinds of things to the present experience that aren’t even there at all!
When I do this, I may want to be free from the pain that I feel. It may seem impossible that I have allowed something so “small” to make me so upset in the present moment, but the fact is, I have brought past unresolved issues into this moment. Frankly, I believe that until I allow the Lord to resolve these past issues (even those from 4th grade), I will continue to experience things in the present that trigger those past memories. The truth is, he will have his way and he wants me to be conformed to the image of Christ.
If I insist on numbing myself to my pain in the present moment by looking to food for the temporary false comfort it offers, I will perpetuate this cycle…that of continuing to have a series of unresolved painful memories…and something in the future is likely to trigger them all…resulting in eating to numb myself from the pain and on it goes. (Please note that it doesn’t have to be something super traumatic or abusive in order for this to happen. It can be just the ordinary things that happen as we grow up in a world where kids are cruel and people are sinful. It is life, but life can hurt!)
This cycle can be stopped. But first, I have to be willing to FEEL. I have to be willing to say NO to the temporary “joy” that eating may give me in these moments when I am feeling pain. I have to be willing to go to God and to invite him to help me to become what He intends through the pain.
I will not minimize how I feel, but acknowledge that something has triggered a deep feeling and invite God to show me what HE wants me to do with it. Journaling can be a big help here!
One way of doing this is to go back through the past experiences that are triggered. I can remember the moments when kids in the 6th grade said mean things, or the jibes in 7th grade, or the rejection of the 8th grade boyfriend, or the softball coach in 9th grade that added to my sense of abandonment when our team wasn’t “good enough” for him to show up at the games any more…or…well, the list goes on and on.
God wants me to look head on in to these, feel the pain of the 4th grade girl in a new school and allow HIM to comfort me. He says these things matter…they are affecting how I respond today and are causing me to turn to food so that I don’t have to feel.
I believe that forgiveness is the antidote to much of this tendency we have to bring our past into the preset moment and to hinder us from walking in freedom.
True forgiveness cannot exist without the acknowledgment of the extent of the damage. Forgiveness takes seriously the magnitude and profound effect of the hurtful event. It does not condone the behavior nor does it minimize the damage. Rather, forgiveness honestly confronts the extent of the harm and calls the offender to accountability. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 149
We take all of this to God. Each event, each incident, each emotion felt as a tender 10-year old, teenager or middle-aged woman…whatever we experienced, whenever we experienced it, we intentionally choose to remember, to feel, to reject depending on food to cope, to cling to God and ask Him to be whatever He wants to be for us in that, so that we can become what He intends through it.
As he does this work, we then intentionally choose to release those who wronged us–or who we perceived to have wronged us.
This isn’t easy, but there is freedom and growth. Our character develops and we become more like the Lord we serve as we allow him full sway to do that which he intends in and through our suffering.
My horse, Harley is aptly named. Even at the ripe old age of 23, the “Arab” blood in my “Morab” comes to the surface frequently. He is zealous and energetic! In fact, really? He is my dream horse, being solicitous and cute and interactive with me…but he is also quite the stern task master. God uses my horses all the time to move me forward in my walk with Him, in the way I relate to people, believe it or not! (This is Harley and me on the trail yesterday…photo taken by hubby. :-))
In January, I got up on Harley when I knew better…I had a rough experience with someone who did an emotional “one-two” punch to my spirit and emotions. I was very wounded and agitated — wound up emotionally. When I try to be with Harley in that frame of mind, I know it is likely to be a wild ride. He won’t stand for it. On that day, he showed me (again…) in no uncertain terms that I must come to him a whole person, ok in my own skin.
I have had a “love affair” with this horse for six years. It has been rocky at times…because, frankly, life doesn’t always lend itself to me feeling “ok in my own skin.”
Many people love horse time because they feel like it is like a therapy session. Harley is NOT an equine therapist. While my experiences with my horses *can* be restorative and rejuvenating, with Harley, I better not come NEEDY to time with him. If I am in a “needy” place, I better ride Breezy instead or stay OFF a horse’s back all together!
Back in January, my rides on Harley before that emotional day and immediately following that day were wonderful. He affirmed again that, yup…it was all about the emotional baggage (or lack of) that I brought with me to our time together. “Leave it at the gate, woman!”
*That* day, however, when I brought my baggage with me (it was a fresh wound…what can I say?) was a rocket ride, ending with me bailing and, amazingly (and fortunately enough) landing on my feet and him coming to a halt, my hands on his mane…as if we had planned it together–some sort of “trick riding” and “flashy dismount.” HA!
Yesterday dawned, and, during my quiet time, I found myself very emotional–wounded–about some things I have been trying to process. A week ago, my husband set aside the morning in his Blackberry so that he could ride with me. This would be the first time in three months that Bob had ridden with me. Years ago, he would take time one day each week to go in late for work so we could have an early morning ride in addition to our Saturday morning ride. Life has been very hectic for him with lots of travel…we haven’t been able to do this. So this was SPECIAL! I had in mind showing Bob a great trail that Breezy and I had scouted out together. (I usually explore new trails with Breezy, who can handle my uncertainty as well as my emotional melt downs! LOL!)
As I went and hooked up the trailer to the truck, I was STILL wound up emotionally. Not only that, but my deep sadness…my mourning expressed with prayerful tears to God during my quiet time…had moved to ANGER. (It is a nice way of not feeling pain, I guess. :-/)I was wound up emotionally, all right–probably worse, even, than that day back in January! In fact, when my husband came out to the corral, I gave him a piece of my mind that I couldn’t afford to lose!
There I was, an emotional basket case…I really wanted to go on this ride with my husband, but KNEW I couldn’t ride Harley with the way I was feeling. He would be likely to give me a “western moment” or twelve…or he might push the ejection seat button… “Woman, you are NOT helping my life be peaceful and calm…GOOD BYE!” with a nice LAUNCH.
Clear as anything I knew that, if I was going to have a safe ride, I had to CHOOSE to let all that stuff go…I didn’t go into denial. Harley sees through that. As we drove from the house to the trailhead, I pondered the song “The More I Seek You” and the line that says “I melt in Your peace…” I asked God to help me to melt in His peace. He answered powerfully….He supernaturally enabled me to let the stuff go and to choose to forgive, to release the agitation.
Even writing it, it seems amazing. It was a supernatural shift in perspective. The issues were (and are) still there, but somehow they aren’t all consuming.
I am so glad I took care of this during our travel to the staging area. Harley knew the difference. *I* knew the difference. And Breezy and Bob were able to experience a much less stressful time than they would have if I had been astride Harley with all that baggage!
I had one of the greatest rides ever on him. In spite of it being a new trail, he was great for it. We even enjoyed a wonderful controlled little canter up a slight grade…(another amazing thing!) Hubby had a good time. 🙂 *I* did, I think Harley did, too! (And of course, Breezy did! 🙂
It struck me as we got back to the trailer how *good* I felt compared to how I felt as we left home…
My horse makes me a better person. With Harley, I have to be “on” with the Lord. I have to allow the Holy Spirit to be in charge–not my flesh. I can’t fake it.
What if I did this releasing thing, this “melting into God’s peace,” even when I am not riding? Maybe that is the point! 🙂 God wants me to learn to journey through life, releasing these things to him…honestly facing into them, but allowing HIM to carry the load.
Last night, I got to discover that all those burdens I was carrying? Well, I didn’t have the full story to much of it…the heart of it was missing from my understanding. God gave me a gift of seeing that all that junk I carried in the morning wasn’t mine to carry. Letting it go was precisely what he wanted…Now I am not only not nursing a sore bum from a flying dismount from my horse :-), but my heart is being healed by His Spirit with a more accurate understanding of things that God has allowed in my life.
Without Harley “demanding” so much of me, yesterday would have been MUCH different. Thanks, Lord, for using my horse to make me a better person…more like what You want me to be.
“Size matters not” as one famous Jedi once correctly said….There may not be much godly wisdom that comes from the 3 foot tall (or is he shorter than that?) sage of Star Wars infamy, but he is definitely right about this. I think to a large degree, this is God’s own wisdom!
