Dependence Not Addiction Part 3

by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 2, 2009 | Blog

The Brothers Grimm tell a tale of a less than perfect creature, “Rumplestiltskin,” who could spin straw to gold. He would take something worthless–the straw–and turn it into something of great value. I won’t butcher the plot of the story by retelling it here, but while Rumplestiltskin was a creature of questionable moral character, he could nevertheless do this amazing feat.

So often, I have thought about how God, who is perfect, holy, good, compassionate, and wonderful, takes the things in my life that may be valueless…or, worse…intended for evil by the Enemy of my soul, and does His amazing transformation… spinning, as it were, my “straw” to gold.

As I have lamented and shared about my struggle to process what is going on with my body and the internal struggles I have been facing, the Heavenly Father has met me in this place. He has been revealing truth to me coupled with his incredible kindness. It is kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).

I could never hate myself or my behavior enough to cause lasting positive change…but the Father’s tender kindness woos me to that change. How precious to my heart this is.

In chapter six of Get Thin Stay Thin, the Hallidays speak of this very thing, in fact.

“The only goodness [in addictions] is that they can defeat our pride and lead us to more openness to grace.” Our pride is often defeated by suffering. GTST, p. 128

I am beginning to see this whole thing as a blessing! I mean, this has definitely knocked me down a few pegs! Pride is definitely taking a hit–as it should.

It has caused me to re-evaluate everything…including something so simple as what hunger and satisfied even feels like–and to depend on God to direct me in this. I have had to be ok inside my skin a different size if that is what God’s will for me is…letting go of my favorite Levis in the process if that is his will. (Yes, I believe God cares about even this! :-))

It may take a tremendous shock, an experience of hitting bottom…to dispel the illusion that our lives are perfectly managed, under control, and all together. The pain that shatters our illusion may be the measure necessary to destroy the idols of our dependencies. It may be necessary to reveal the magnitude of our silent, aching, hunger. GTST, p. 128

When I laid down my diet soda idol, I guess I felt I would “bless God” and be blessed in return. It feels, instead, like he has used this offering to shine the light on all my imperfection, inadequacies, and ugly places. (He does this for my good as painful as it may be.) The illusion has been shattered. I have continued to struggle with my pride, not wanting anyone to see that I am not as thin as I was. I have wanted to hide. That is pretty tough to do when, on Sundays, I stand up in front on the worship team! I find it so intriguing that God has coupled this season of struggle in my life with my being on the worship team for the first time in years…I know this is no accident either. In the past, when my weight went up, I voluntarily hopped off the worship team claiming I didn’t want to bring “dishonor to God.” Truthfully, it was pride. I didn’t want anyone to notice that I was out of control…again. I refuse to give in to that temptation this time. This IS a new thing.

God is yet spinning this straw to gold and I can keep focusing on the worthlessness of the straw or wait in anticipation of the gold.

Lord, please let this shattering of illusions not be for nothing. Please let me learn what you call me to learn. Let me recognize and embrace the truth that much of my behavior over the past two years has actually served to stifle the silent hunger. I’ve gotten my identity from “doing Thin Within right,” and releasing weight. I want to experience what you intend, Lord. It isn’t about being thin…it is about so much more. I have said this for so long and now I am learning it in a fresh, deep, sometimes painful, way. Thank you for your kindness, Lord, your love, your provision in this time of need.

What we do when we reach this point of suffering will either result in more pain or unspeakable joy. GTST, p. 128-129

I vote for joy! I choose to anticipate the gold!

We can either become bitter toward life as we see it or become better when we turn to the one who can make us whole. Then suffering becomes an opportunity for grace. GTST, p. 129

The following is a song by Laura Story, called Grace. It is too incredible not to share with you. The words are included in the video, but if you can’t view the video, the words may be found here.

God has been teaching me afresh that this boils down to something rather simple. Easy, NO, simple, yes. It is simply, me, his sheep, listening to him, my Shepherd and responding to his voice. He has been teaching me about myself, my body, and about grace, in a fresh, new way.

The words from the song by Laura Story resonate with me:

As I walk with You, I’m learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I’m learning to simply obey You by giving up my life to you For all that You’ve given to me.

Yes, He is spinning my straw to gold.

Dependence Not Addiction Part 2

by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 2, 2009 | Blog

I have decided that I need to get to know my body again…fresh…as if I didn’t have a history with Thin Within or with my body and eating 0 to 5. So yesterday, I began the process of starting from scratch. Including with the “Bodometer” process, asking God to help me identify my hunger numbers afresh. “What does 0 feel like now?” “What does a 5 feel like now?” “What should I call this sensation, Lord? Is it a 3?” And to begin to eat less food, even if it means I eat more frequently because I get hungry more often. I have stopped listening to the voice of God speaking to me, thinking I knew what I could or couldn’t eat and when based on all my experience. Enough of that! For whatever reason my body has changed and I need to invite the One Who created me to teach me about my body all over again!

Rather than be frustrated, I choose to view this as an exciting new adventure. The thing I don’t get excited about, though, is that I know it means eating less food than I have been for a year…and maybe two! The fact I don’t want to let go of more food to honor the One who let go of his Kingly glory in heaven and his human life on earth to save my soul really tells me a lot. It saddens me…

One thing I rediscovered, though, yesterday as I returned to this process–if I capture THIS moment, if in THIS moment I say no to the flesh and yes to His leading, no to my flesh and die to self…and throw away the food he is leading me NOT to eat (or put it back in a container in the fridge–whatever!)…if I do that in this moment (it takes only a moment to make a choice to obey his leading), then it is followed not by moments or minutes or hours of regret, but it is followed, instead, by moments, minutes and hours of joy delighting in the the fact that I obeyed his call. It is a wonderful exchange!

Continuing in chapter 6 of Get Thin Stay Thin, I read…

God allows us to see the futility of placing our hope and trust in the false idols we embrace. Then he invites us to discover the aching, unfulfilled emptiness at the core of our being and to take the first step toward God-centered healing. GTST, p. 128

Perhaps when I began this leg of the journey in November 2006 (when I began this blog), my focus wasn’t God-centered healing. It was “fix my body”-focused healing. So it wasn’t really healing at all. I really really needed not to keep adding to my head knowledge. I needed to have my body change. I was worried about my health…about waking up in heaven. Seriously. That is what scared me into practical change.

But since that time for whatever reason–noble or not–I have allowed getting a thin body to be an idol and to be my identity. Even before I began to gain weight, God was trying to get me to see that I was in such an arrogant place. I’ve been clinging to idols all through this process. He now calls me to recognize this fact and to:

Dependence Not Addiction Part 1

by Heidi Bylsma | Mar 2, 2009 | Blog

In speaking with a dear friend last week, I realized afresh that allowing what we *do* to define our value and worth–our identity–isn’t just unique to me, or to “at home” moms. So often, the very hats we wear through life define us. When something changes and that hat is no longer “wearable,” we may not know who we are any longer.

For some of us, it may happen when the kids are all grown up and gone and we suddenly have an “empty nest.” It isn’t the “nest” being empty that bothers us so much, perhaps. It is that we wonder who we are now that they are gone. Or when the economy has caused lay-offs and we no longer have the same routine, the same job, the same function, the same income,…we wonder similarly…”Who am I now?”

I wonder how much of my identity and self-worth have been wrapped up in my “work” and/or my being “successful” at Thin Within. At being thin. I think way too much. (No kidding!)

Working for Judy and Arthur Halliday in 2001 and 2002 and again a few other times since then, as well as being officially an employee of the Thin Within company right now…well, I think I allow myself to feel that I have to get this…and not only get this, but stay getting it. Perfectly. I have to appear like I have it all together, all the time.

That is a lot of pressure to put on myself. Obviously, that isn’t what God has in mind!

But it stands to reason that right now, when I daily come face to face with my failure to keep a hold on this…that I would feel beside myself. My pride is taking hit upon hit. But worse, my identity is shattering. An identity that shouldn’t be based on this at all…but is.

This morning, as I read in chapter 6 of Get Thin Stay Thin, I felt as if the timing couldn’t have been more precise…it was perfect.

I know Judy Halliday’s testimony well, but for some reason, it jumped off the page at me today. On page 127 (and following) she shares about the “failure” of the Thin Within company in the 1980s when the company went bankrupt. (For the record, Thin Within is now doing fine and may be visited online at http://www.thinwithin.org.)

Judy shared her response to the financial crisis in 1982:

Without Thin Within who would I be? What would I do? My sense of identity and self-worth were wrapped up in my work. Something that I considered so worthwhile had, in fact, become my graveclothes. GTST, p. 127

This is precisely how I feel. I feel like I was (am?) getting my identity from getting and staying thin. I even received national recognition (two well-circulating magazines did blurbs featuring yours truly…). Now that I have gained some weight back, I wonder who I am. If my identity was defined by my size before, is it now, too? So what does that make me? (The answers aren’t too flattering, as I am sure you can imagine.)

I must continue to work to shake this sense that I am defined by my size. I don’t want to haul this perception with me wherever I go. For years, I have allowed my size to define me–including before the “success,” so I know that this is a big struggle I face. I didn’t realize I was doing the same thing once I was thin…allowing outward appearance to define me. Yikes!

If we are honest we eventually reach a point in our lives where we must admit we’ve lost control. GTST, p. 128

Ok…this has to be it. This has to be the truth that I am supposed to see:

Even for the year that I stayed at my “natural God-given size” or close to it, I had this feeling that it was by the skin of my teeth. I had a death grip on it…I clung to it. I got on the scale a lot and got very worried when it nudged a tad upward. I was definitely not walking in freedom no matter how I looked on the outside. I knew it. I knew that I was clinging tightly to what the Hallidays call further on in GTST a “false self.” When I wanted something sweet to eat, I had a diet soda. (Thus, the drinking of them ALL the time.) I never dealt with the heart issue. I was ensnared. My taste buds were one god and another was thinness. I couldn’t stand giving up one to potentially sacrifice the other…

So, yes, it is time for me to admit I have lost control. I don’t have a handle on this any more–if I ever really did.

My body is reacting differently to things. Maybe it’s being more honest now that it isn’t being pumped full of caffeine constantly. Eating indiscretions I got away with before, I can’t any more. Lustful cravings indulged, now are evident on the outside. God is showing me what is really here.

Also, now that I am not numbing out with food *or* diet soda, I am feeling things powerfully. Which explains how I got broadsided out of nowhere about the dad thing.

In 2 Corinthians 12:9, God says to the Apostle Paul:

Paul’s response is:

So here I am…ok, Lord. I am totally 100% weak. Totally in need of you. Depending on you. You have brought me to the end of myself and I am powerless to do anything to solve the need of my heart. I am weak, Lord…I need your power. I need your redemption. I need you.

Blind-sided!

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 27, 2009 | Blog

Blind-sided…hit out of no where. Hit and laid flat.

Yesterday morning dawned and I was feeling chipper, alive, rested, good. I applied myself to doing things that needed getting done, not the least of which was finishing up the house cleaning.

Having made headway on that, I sat down at the laptop to work through a lesson online. I have committed to learning “CSS,” to develop my ability as a website designer. A highly recommended book took me to Amazon.com where, after ordering the book for learning CSS, I saw “Recommended for You” and clicked somewhat mindlessly (distracted, really) on an image of a book. The book image is enlarged on the left…The title is Longing for Daddy: Healing from the Pain of an Absent or Emotionally Distant Father.

Looking at the image cover, pondering the title…and a part of my heart that had been walled off from feeling began to crack…the dike burst. I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sorrow. Yes, I was blind-sided. Absolutely hit out of nowhere! The image on the cover of someone waiting, clearly lonely…and lingering quietly for “Daddy,” — it all resonated with me.

I wish I could say that all of the things I have been learning lately and posting about here at the blog were applied with eagerness in that moment and that the thoughts that came to me were taken captive and surrendered to Christ. I wish I could tell you I was victorious and that I lived out the greater truth than the one that broad-sided me (that of having an emotionally distant father who is now deceased). But nope…I was run over, flattened, wiped out.

In that moment (and all of yesterday, really) the fact that “I am 100% accepted by and acceptable to the God of this universe” sure didn’t seem to matter much. All I knew was the pain of never measuring up to my earthly father’s standards…I wasn’t good enough…I wasn’t pretty enough, thin enough, talented enough…and now he is gone. It is too late.

How did I handle it? By running.

Deep called to deep, but I wasn’t answering. Like Jonah, I hit the road. I had already felt swallowed alive by a bottomless, overwhelming emptiness.

Surely, God wanted me to “be still and know.” To know HIS sufficiency, HIS truth, HIS love. But he also wanted me to sit with the pain I was feeling. To rest in it, to give it a voice, to invite Him into it.

I would have none of it.

So what did I do? I reverted to old behaviors.

I ate.

I plunged myself into computer work.

I napped.

After my nap, I woke up with fat machinery in full throttle and ate some more.

All the while I knew that God–my Heavenly Abba–called. I didn’t answer the phone…I turned a deaf ear. I turned my back. I rejected His plan for this pain.

It is interesting…what happened didn’t surprise God at all. He knew that I would face that link at Amazon.com yesterday morning. He knew…no, he orchestrated it…for my good. Not for my undoing. The undoing part happened when, in my arrogance, I rejected his loving, healing hand.

He has a plan and a purpose for our pain. I know this. In fact, sometimes godly vision comes through pain.

What he wanted was my healing, but all I could think of was how painful the process is. I just couldn’t stand that…well, I am sure I could have. When I put my hand in his and allow him to lead me, choosing to trust him…he makes it possible in His strength–through the pain.

So this morning when my husband left for an early flight to Colorado at 4am and I couldn’t get back to sleep, I knew it was time to answer the call I ignored all day yesterday. I made my way to the living room where a fire glowed a welcome invitation to this place, this time, this divine purpose. Journal and bible in hand, I made my way to the couch and poured out my heart to God over this. I wanted to get angry, wanted to blame–which is a convenient way of steering away from the pain and going down a rabbit trail. I angrily asked God how he could possibly have allowed someone like my earthly father to be a father. He reminded me that this isn’t about whose fault it was. It was about my woundedness. My silent hunger…all the things I have been reading about and learning and more. Somehow, I had insulated myself against the “Dad stuff” until that moment at Amazon.com.

I have never been able to relate to God has Father. It has been almost impossible for me. At times, I get close to maybe being able to call him that…but typically, no. It stands to reason that He would want me to deal with this as it hinders my relating to him in all the ways that he wants me to relate to him.

After crying out in prayer, wiping the tears and throwing my kleenex in the wood-burning stove, I decided to look at what Jesus says to me about the Father in my bible. I turned to the gospel of John and invited Abba to show me Himself as my Heavenly Father.

The portrait that emerged even in the first 11 chapters of the gospel of John warmed my heart. Again, a greater Truth to counter my truth. I have generated a list of things that describe the Father according to Jesus and will continue this study through the rest of the gospel of John and possibly other books of the bible as well.

The thing that has struck me is the tenderness that emerges in this list. There is tenderness, strength, and reliability. I was touched to see that the Father seeks us–seeks me. The Father wants me to belong to Him for eternity. The Father has given me as a gift to Jesus… Gosh…who gives gifts that they don’t value?

The list is amazing and definitely softens my heart to God as my Heavenly Father. I know that this is only the beginning.

When I put this together with the truths of the past couple of months, it really is something that sets me up as if on a mountain top high over any deluge of a bursting levee. I mean, this God, this Father, this One who is working even now, who gives the dead life, who judges no one but who has entrusted judgment to Jesus, this one who give the true bread from heaven, who offers praise to people (imagine that!…just look at John 5:45)…this is the one who accepts me 100% and finds me 100% acceptable.

It is astonishing. I am glad for a new day, new mercies…tender mercies.

Somehow, the feeling of needing to run, to numb out doesn’t seem so great today. I can honestly say that the heartache was compounded yesterday by running from my Heavenly Father instead of sitting at His feet. The pain that I felt in his presence was worth the joy of having him reveal himself to me. I can’t begin to pretend that its over and we are ready to move on from this, but I am optimistic…and willing to relate to God as my Father. That is HUGE.

Worth Not Shame Part 5 – SO WHAT? :-)

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 25, 2009 | Blog

When it comes to walking this thing out in the dust of the earth…SO WHAT? Great theological truths like:

I have been justified by God.
I am reconciled to God.
I am 100% accepted by and acceptable TO God right now where I am

…leave one wondering “So what?” “How does this impact my life right now?” “I just want to lose weight!” “I want to be THIN!”

The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin (formerly Thin Again and Silent Hunger) don’t leave us wondering:

When we know that our value is based on our new identity in Christ, we take on a godly sense of self-worth. With this comes a new direction and purpose in our lives: to live in such a way as to honor the one who laid down his life to give us security and significance. Get Thin Stay Thin, page 108

I can honestly say that this is happening with me now. My beliefs are finally making it through to my heart and to my actions. It has been a tremendously slow process, but I see the fruit. My actions really are affected by what I believe. And how we act sometimes reveals what we really believe in spite of what we say!

For so long, my theology and my reality haven’t seemed anything like one another. I guess in many ways, I didn’t really believe what I said I did! It comes back to that old illustration of “If I say I believe the chair will hold me but refuse to sit in it, do I really believe the chair will hold me?” My action, or inaction, shows what I really believe about the chair.

Our beliefs have a very powerful influence on our eating habits and our identity. …we must set aside the false beliefs that determined our old character and actions and enter into our renewed mind. Only then will we experience the renewal of our beliefs, thoughts, and actions and ultimately the transformation of our character. Our goal is to be transformed by the renewing of our minds so that we can discard the fat machinery of the past and establish present time eating. GTST, p. 114

Again, fat machinery is those things we believe or do sort of “automatically” that result in eating without engaging the brain. They can be conditioned responses (turn on a video and out comes the popcorn) or responses to trauma or other emotions (we celebrate by having a feast) or even unworkable beliefs (have to eat 3 “square” meals a day to be healthy)…that sort of thing. Many of the things that affect our eating, as we have seen, are based in false beliefs or believing lies. We want to throw out all of those beliefs and allow God to renew our minds, transform our thinking. As we embrace TRUTH and take on new beliefs, our actions will be affected!

A solid sense of your identity and worth is the precursor to your ability to eat and live according to God’s intent and to being the person he designed you to be. GTST, p. 118

Lord, I pray that we might cast aside all the unworkable beliefs and lies that we have knowingly or unwittingly embraced. May we embrace the truth that you have redeemed us, forgiven us, and stand as Almighty Judge of the Universe declaring us NOT GUILTY–we have been reconciled and justified. Amazing, Lord. May this truth affect our actions…May we know when we reach for food outside of godly boundaries that we were created for more than this. Help us to respect ourselves with the esteem with which you have attributed to us. We belong to you. You purchased us. We are yours. May we treat “your property” appropriately, Lord, and allow your truth to establish our sense of value and worth. No matter who may reject, hurt, or fail me, this great truth–that you LOVE and ACCEPT me unconditionally–over-rides that…it is astounding. Thank you, Lord. In Christ’s Name, Amen.

Worth Not Shame Part 4

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 23, 2009 | Blog

Weeks ago, flight 1549 made a dangerous landing…perfectly executed in the Hudson River, saving the lives of 155 passengers aboard. The credit goes to the pilot who risked everything to attempt the impossible.

Sunday at church, our pastor–Mike Ernst–did a masterful job illustrating the fullness of God’s grace by using a clip from the 60 Minutes TV show that aired a week or so ago. This particular show, filmed a reunion of flight 1549 passengers with the pilot and crew who saved their lives. Here is a short video clip of this reunion:

Imagine any one of those passengers standing up and saying, “I just want you to know that I did MY part to be sure that the landing in the Hudson River was safe.” I mean the idea is preposterous. The passengers did nothing. The rescue was all about the pilot. The passengers were the beneficiaries of his wisdom, his gift, his potential sacrifice. There is NOTHING any of them did to be safe–to be alive to see the next day.

So, too, with us. There is nothing we can do to be acceptable to God. NOTHING. God has attributed Christ’s own righteousness to us. Christ became sin. We became His righteousness. Once we embrace Christ’s gift given for and to us, we are reconciled to God–completely, unconditionally, totally–all based on what HE has done.

If you have “blown it” right now, nothing…nothing can keep you from the love of God found in Christ Jesus our Lord. He has “piloted” you to safety…out of the danger and potential of ever having to face God’s wrath. In fact, you never can do anything to make him turn his face away from you. You are totally acceptable to Him due to nothing you have done and nothing you do can change that.

You can’t do anything to make your “rescue” complete. To imagine that you could would be every bit as outlandish as if any of those passengers on Flight 1549 claimed any of the credit for saving his/her own life.

–> Do you believe that there is nothing you can do to win God’s acceptance?

How might this belief, embraced fully, affect how you view your struggle with food, eating and your body?

Lord, thank you that you have accepted us through Christ…100%…completely. There is nothing we can do to lose this standing with you and there is nothing we can do to gain it. Thank you for the complete reconciliation you have offered, you have provided for through Christ’s sacrifice on the cross. Lord, please help me to embrace this TRUTH completely and may it affect my choices day to day, moment by moment. When I find myself struggling with feelings of failure, or pain at my own hand or at the hand of others, I pray that I would be mindful of just how astonishing it is…”The God of the Universe accepts me completely…as I am…” May this truth transform us from the inside out. In the precious name of Jesus, Amen.

Worth Not Shame Part 3

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 23, 2009 | Blog

…right now…right as you are…no strings attached. You are…you are.

How does this TRUTH sit with you?

Does it seem presumptuous? Impossible?

Think about this for a minute…

If we allowed this to affect us, if we believed it as if it were true–and it IS…then, when we face defeat, failure–our own or someone else’s crashing into us–when we can’t believe we have messed up again…think of this…we can couple the pain of our feelings with this mighty truth:

Doing this won’t just numb me to the reality, but it will over-ride the pain in the reality! It is a BIGGER, GREATER, more ASTOUNDING reality!!!

Maybe you can tell that I am really excited about this. And it does connect with Get Thin Stay Thin chapter 5! How cool is that! 🙂

[The] undeniable, unavoidable longing for a sense of value is a sanctified hunger placed in us by God’s design, but we will never experience inner peace until we face the truth that nothing of this world–our appearance, our performance, others’ opinions of us, or our past experiences–can fulfill our longing for security and significance. GTST, p.101.

Our silent hunger will persist unsatisfied until we can see ourselves not through the eyes of the world, but through the eyes of our loving Lord. GTST, p. 102

Do you see it? Our world says we must act, be, do everything a certain way to win approval and acceptance! We get stuck in that mode and we put ourselves through strict paces…we MUST do this “Thin Within Thing” perfectly or we beat ourselves up. We must have the perfect body, we must love God perfectly…and if we don’t, we drag out that club of condemnation and don’t stop beating ourselves up with it.

What’s worse, we assume that this is God’s way!

This is the enemy’s delight.

It is a lie that the enemy has crafted and that the world has bought into. As with many things, the exact OPPOSITE thing is true…God has done it all. Every single solitary bit of your “acceptability” to God is because of what Jesus had done. ALL of it.

More on that tomorrow!

For now, I challenge you and me…will we believe God? Will we choose to believe that what he says is true? That he accepts us totally now? Without hesitation? Without condition? Without my having to jump through a single hoop?

–> How might believing, embracing, applying this truth affect your life? Affect your eating? Affect how you view your body?

Feel free to share in the comments! I love hearing from you!

This one is bowling me over! It has been radically affecting the way I live!

WHOO HOO! 🙂

Worth Not Shame Part 2

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 22, 2009 | Blog

More thoughts from Chapter 5 of Get Thin Stay Thin, formerly known as Thin Again and Silent Hunger, by Arthur and Judy Halliday…
—

I wrote about Chapter 5 a little bit previously, in this blog entry. God has given us a desire to experience intimacy, connection, and worth, but we so often settle for counterfeits. The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin state that one of the reasons this is the case is often rooted in our upbringing. Many of us are quick to blame our current struggles on our pasts. Always “the victim,” we have a blind spot–that of needing to own our choice to sin. We are free in Christ to choose. If we struggle with sin, we do not have the right to blame our choice to sin on our pasts. We may have a predisposition to struggle with a certain sin because of experiences we have had, but in Christ, we are VICTORS, not VICTIMS.

On the other hand, others of us refuse to consider that there may be reasons for what we struggle with now. We minimize that we are a product–at least in part–of our past experiences. We don’t connect our current beliefs with these experiences and, in not making the connection, we can often stay stuck.

As we identify the legitimate reasons we may struggle with a sin, and confess our choice to sin, we find freedom. There is a balance we need to find.

It is my prayer that all of us will seek the TRUTH–God’s truth. What is mine to own, I will own. What is a result of experiences of my past, I will allow God to reveal to me, dismantle and transform my beliefs about myself and about Him by the renewing of my mind.

With these things in mind, I share the following quotes from chapter 5:

…we are born into families where faulty dynamics may deprive us of the intimacy, security and significance God intended…Unable to distinguish between the negative messages sent by family members and our own sense of self-worth, we assume the deficiency lies with us. The result is shame–a feeling we are defective, valueless creatures who do not deserve the good things in life. GTST, p. 99-100

If the enemy and his minions have their way, we will be convinced–believe–this lie! But this is hardly what God’s Word says. The very fact that He gave His Son for us demonstrates that we are far from “defective, valueless creatures.”

–> Do you tend to think of yourself in these terms? Or do you see yourself as treasured, priceless, esteemed by the Ultimate, Almighty, Sovereign God of the Universe? Consider how who you believe yourself to be may affect your behavior. I know it affects mine!

The shame that is rooted in our childhood experiences, leaves us with a prevailing sense of worthlessness and insignificance that can lead to the false belief that we are hopeless and cannot change. Our lives then become a quest to prove our worth and to achieve a sense of security and significance by our own efforts. GTST, p. 100.

Oh, how true I have seen this to be! I go on quest after quest to prove I have value. For a season, it was as a “Graphic Design Queen” (sometimes it still is). For another season it was as “Church Lady”– or Bible Study Coordinator…and it has even been as the “Poster Child for Thin Within!” All of these (and more!) have been attempts to create little kingdoms where I can feel good about myself. It seems as though if I can’t ascend to a throne of an established “kingdom,” I will build my own little empire and declare myself ruler.

What a relief to stop this madness! What a relief to begin to change my beliefs–that God has declared me of great worth!

Those of us who struggle with food, eating, and weight, may spend our lives performing for acceptance because we equate our self-concept with personal appearance. When our reflection in the mirror is less than perfect we may continue our abusive patterns of starving or stuffing. GTST, p. 101

This is why for me, The Search For Significance materials have dovetailed so beautifully with the work I am doing with Get Thin Stay Thin. The two are intricately interwoven and connected. Having “ascended to the throne” of “Queen Thin Within” (said with tongue firmly planted in cheek), I have felt this pressure to keep up the appearance…the appearance…the appearance. I have been consumed with my physical appearance. It is easy for this to happen because over the past couple of years, I have gotten so many accolades and praises for losing the weight or looking the way I do now.

It makes sense that if I feel that my crown is slipping, that I am falling off the throne…that I have physically changed …gotten bigger…even if “only” by ten pounds, that I would feel devastated. My self-concept has been SO connected to my physical appearance!

It doesn’t help that the enemy declares “Ha! Fraud! Impostor! Fake!” as he laughs with glee. He plays on the shame that is rooted in my past…that I am defective and valueless.

So, punishing myself, for a short while, I returned to some of the behaviors of the past.

I am so thankful that I haven’t just thrown in the towel like I have in the past. I haven’t accepted the “crown” of “defeat,” “loser” that the enemy would have me embrace.

No, I stand knowing that I am precious in God’s site, that my performance does not define who I am, or my worth! I have invited the Lord to renew my mind with this belief, this TRUTH. My performance does not define who I am and my value. I do not need to rally to win the approval of others–OR of GOD!!!–in order to press on with my head up!

As I shared in yesterday’s blog entry, he has been doing a new thing and continues to do so…a much deeper, eternal thing. My physical body won’t be going with me to glory! Who I am becoming will.

I almost missed it…God IS doing a NEW thing!

by Heidi Bylsma | Feb 21, 2009 | Blog

I know the blog name is “God is Doing a New Thing.” I think, though, that I take for granted that I have used up all my “new thing” tokens and he is doing the same old thing or a new new thing in someone else this week… 🙂

I had a huge revelation this morning, though.

Let me back up. My accountability partner and dear friend leads a Thin Within group at a church that meets near Sacramento. She has had me speak to her group a couple of times and I have absolutely LOVED being with those ladies. I love sharing time with them and having the privilege of telling them about a few things I have learned being on this journey so long. It has been a delight to my heart.

Last night on the phone, Kim asked me again, “We want you to come again and speak with the group.” I hemmed and hawed and put her off…explaining that I need to find out if this is a season for me to be quiet while God works on me. I figured it would be pride that would keep me yacking in front of others when my size is up from my “final” weight. While I haven’t continued to gain weight–I am holding steady at this size–I feel like…well, a *failure*… and I mentioned to Kim that I don’t want to be a hypocrite. (Yup…I used that word!) We left it at I would let her know when I felt like I could do it. Hmm…

Truthfully, as I thought and prayed about it this morning, my response baffled me a bit. I am working on shaking the approval addiction, fear of failure, and the performance trap…yet what did my response indicate? That I was still caught up in it…very much so.

This morning as I sat praying about how I felt at her invitation I had a “BFO” or “Blinding Flash of the Obvious” strike me…DUH!

This is what I wrote in my prayer journal:

Lord, Kim has asked me to come speak to her group again. Please help me to shake shame as I think that is precisely what I feel. My feeling is how could I possibly speak to these ladies about how to do this thing when I clearly look different than I used to? I mean, what if they notice the 10 pounds? Please help me to know if you want me to go to her class. If you want me to share, then of course I want to! But, Lord, I also don’t want this to feed my Approval Addiction. I don’t want to allow a constant need for approval of others and fear of failure to determine my actions either way. I do feel like a failure…my performance stinks…

…continuing in my prayer journal…this is the part where the light bulb goes on…

…It’s weird because apart from my physical size changing, I sure don’t feel like a failure! I feel like I am doing what YOU want!

Wow…I just realized, Lord…if I could strip away what the scale says or the way my favorite Levis fit…if I could forget about outward appearance for just a moment–I would see something else entirely! I would see that:

• I delight to grow and change
• I have made and am making hard decisions–for instance to speak out about something in obedience to you, even risking losing approval of others when doing so
• I have been practically processing things and obeying you–not always perfectly, but definitely in difficult choices!
• I have given up an extreme dependence on diet soda that held me in captivity for 30 years!!!!
• I like the changes I am making in response to your leadership, Lord!
• I am not allowing my need for success with my horses to drive my decisions or determine how I feel about myself any longer. Maybe it isn’t a need any more!
  
• I am doing what YOU say and letting go of the rest.
• I am making hard choices, listening to your voice.
• I am risking reaching out to love others
• I am being authentic…
  

Do I have this worked out perfectly? No…but wow! That is a great list! I think I like myself for the first time in a long time!!! Thank you, Lord, for all you are doing in me! THIS IS A NEW THING FOR SURE!

…So…WHY let my physical size get in the way of delighting in all you are doing in me? I still fight the fight against the lusts of the flesh. I still try to say no to the cookies when I am not at a 0…and sometimes succeed in saying no!

What a breakthrough for me to see this–that I am experiencing “success” at what really matters. I know that if this IS my set size…the size YOU want me to be…I am OK with it. It is ok. How I look compared to how I used to look isn’t the most important thing…it is what you have done and are doing in my heart that matters. I am no longer enslaved by the lust of my flesh that kept me drinking copious quantities of addicting and damaging chemicals… PRAISE YOU, LORD! And thank you for the safety of an incredible accountability partner who esteems me, but speaks TRUTH to me. THANK YOU.

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So, as you can see, this is a huge breakthrough. I am not sure, yet, what it will mean about when I will share with Kim’s class, but I see now that Satan was trying to convince me that it was pride that would cause me to want to share. The truth is, it would be SHAME keeping me from it…

Another lie from the pit of hell has been rendered IMPOTENT by the power and truth of Christ! Praising his name!

–> How about you? Is there any way that you are wearing ungodly shame and calling it something else? Are there things God has been doing in your life as you travel this road that you are overlooking because you are fixating on your physical appearance? Yes, we want to be healthy physically, but what is eternal is something much deeper. God works both, but sometimes it may be the long way around…he is after the heart *now* and the physical body will follow.

–> Can you relate at all to my struggle? Have your favorite pair of jeans become an idol and you will do anything to be able to wear them? Has a number on a man-made bathroom scale become your measurement for “success?” Is what size you are or what you weigh more important than releasing obsession, addictions, and unhealthy practices? It sure has been for me…I am so thankful for God’s grace that has exposed the lies…and that continues to to so. So many blind spots, even still! It amazes me!

Let’s CELEBRATE the new thing HE IS DOING! 🙂