I am in an odd place today. I am wondering if, at some level, I have been deceiving myself about my eating. I want to be sure I always offer this to God…always…and ask Him what HE says. It is so easy to deceive myself, truly. Maybe I am doing some of that here as well.
So, today, I think I will eat half of what I normally do…”normally” since being on this leg of my journey. Maybe my portions have sort of gradually expanded to be more than they were when I was releasing the weight and keeping it off. I know that my God-given size is definitely not the 150 that it was when I was drinking all that caffeine, but I look at my body and see that God may want me to find a “happy medium.”
I know that there is a BIG work ahead…in order to be a godly, faithful steward of my body, God’s temple, I know I need to be more methodical and intentional about being sure I get an appropriate amount of activity. My life has been quite active during the past few years…but right now, I am not riding my horses…and that means I am not as active. When I ride, I often get off and walk for the exercise, in part, but also because my riding horses are in their 20s and going up and down steep hills is hard on their joints…
Since I am not riding right now, I am not doing those extra walks…
I know that I am less active, but I also know that this doesn’t cause weight to creep back on–not if I eat between 0 and 5. When I am less active, I will be at a 0 less frequently. Maybe this is where the “deception” is..maybe I am eating like I have been when I have been more active…assuming that I am hungry when maybe it is more of a psychological “of course I am hungry now…” sort of thing.
Well, no matter. I will commit it to prayer and allow God to form Christ in me through my wondering. I definitely don’t want to assume I have things “down pat!”
It is so odd to me during my study of this book with the name of Get Thin, Stay Thin…well, I gained weight. Yes… I actually began the study thinner than I am now at the end of studying it. Isn’t that weird? Ironic really.
Get Thin…I had…and I was freaking out about all I needed to do to stay at that weight/size back in January when I began this study with my accountability partner. I struggled with a few pounds during the holidays…but that was nothing compared to what was ahead. I had NO idea!
Stay Thin…er…not quite! It seems so like God to lead me to unwrap grave clothes that actually resulted in my gaining weight…going up one size. I went from being artificially thin due to caffeine addiction to being a weight/size that I guess is his for me today.
Having shed that caffeine dependency, I am NOW my “natural” God-given size instead of my non-natural, caffeine-given size!
To be totally honest here, there is *some* caffeine in modest amounts in my life in the form of a flavored cappuccino drink and Dr. Pepper every once in a while (no nutrasweet, however)…but my accountability partner and I are watching that like hawks. I see how easy it would be to fall and become dependent on caffeine again.
I celebrate that God has done yet another NEW thing (and continues to do it!).
In the past, gaining ANY weight after losing it all and becoming truly *thin*, I would have thrown in the towel and been back up up up and away…I would have thrown caution to the wind and overeaten, returning to all my old ways. I would have *stopped* “struggling” and given in.
My life literally WON’T allow for that now. Eating when I am hungry and stopping when I am no longer hungry has become such a *constant* way for me and the way *I* am…not just something I am working at…that I can’t go back to living the old way. Praise the LORD!
So God has done yet another new thing…shown me how to gain weight gracefully. 😉 WITHOUT it spelling the end of all things! Without DOOM, destruction, HORROR!
THERE IS NO SHAME IN THIS! To allow shame is to believe a LIE FROM THE PIT OF HELL.
So here it is again, in case anyone has missed it!…I AM BIGGER THAN I USED TO BE!
This is NOT failure!! Nanner nanner moo moo, Satan!
I have removed grave clothes that kept me from intimacy with God…even my “status” as “Thin Within Woman” kept me from dependency on God…pride and arrogance…bleah! But, now, I have broken out of that…I am free…or free to BE free. (It is a process!)
THIS IS the “holy struggle.” To believe Him for all I am worth no matter what my past may dictate, what well meaning people may think (“Being thinner is better”) or say or do in response to the newest addition of photos and admissions here at my blog. I am closer to God than I was in those months of being 150 pounds. More strongholds have been torn down in my life! How can I argue with that? 🙂
So onward I walk…I commit to the “struggle.” I am willing. It is worth it.
God is at work! Sometimes it is easy to forget that He has made some promises for us…”He who began a good work WILL complete it until the day of Christ!” (Philippians 1:6)
Continuing my reading in chapter 9 of the Hallidays’ book, Get Thin Stay Thin…
So in each choice we make we find ourselves asking, “Am I responding to the demands of my old nature for some temporary gratification, or in accordance with the Spirit and my desire for permanent intimacy?” GTST, p. 174
God is after intimacy with his creation. He has been stripping away the layers of grave clothes that stood as a wall between me and Him. I didn’t realize just how much had gone into constructing these “protective” layers…what caused me to feel protected from pain in my life, also served to keep out the very thing I need and long for–that for which I was created–intimacy with the Lover of my soul! I am so thankful that He has exposed this.
Now that I don’t throw food in my mouth every time I have emotional pain or turmoil (or even, simply, agitation), I am left in a place of NEED. Before, I numbed that need. In this place of NEED, I can wait on the Lord…or that is the idea. But I must “be still and know” that He is God. Sometimes it takes a long time…but he is always faithful to BE sufficient, to show up with HIS solution.
We must choose what we will eat based on what we hear our bodies tell us and through the leading of the Spirit. These choices are not insignificant, since our physical and emotional well-being are profoundly affected by what we put in our mouths. These decisions are a crucial part of the shaping and molding process by which we become new creations in Christ. GTST, p. 175
If you are, like me, someone who has used the principles of eating when physically hungry and stopping when no longer hungry, for a long time, then it is easy to fall back on “what has always worked.” I know that in the past, when I was hungry, I could eat a snack wrap, a few fries and sip on a large diet soda at McDonald’s, for a couple of hours after the meal…
Things have changed…first off, I am not drinking large diet sodas any more (not drinking diet soda at all). I also notice that my body NEEDS LESS FOOD. I have to be careful not to assume that I KNOW how much food I need based on my past experience. God wants INTIMACY with me. He wants me to care about what HE says. So, like the quote above, I must ask the Lord to show me what and how much to eat. The “when” is clear…when I am hungry, of course. But it is evident to me that the “what” and “how much” have changed. These are not insignificant choices. I won’t minimize the value.
I need him.
Funny how that is.
To not ask God, to rely on what “I have always done,” results in turning my eating into “the Heidi Diet”–eating what I have eaten for a couple of years as he led, but now doing it on “autopilot” because “it worked” before.
God must have decided almost three years ago that our family needed to be tested…so, Daisy entered our lives. (I didn’t name her…her former family did…) Don’t be deceived…that cute, almost-pouty face with the equally disarming name is a facade. She is a terror on wheels–even now, almost three years later. God continues to use this golden retriever who we RESCUED (I have to remind her of that!) at 8 months of age…to surface all of our shortcomings! Or to torment us. (Just kidding!)
Apart from Daisy’s presence in our lives, we might grow apathetic and think we were really progressing in our growth in Christ-like character. Silly us. We can’t have that, now can we? 🙂
For instance, if we deceive ourselves into thinking we are becoming more patient, it won’t be long before Daisy will be God’s divine instrument to show us how IMpatient we are! If we pat ourselves on the back that anger is no longer an issue, in a moment Daisy will flush massive irritability to the surface. Hmm…. Praise the Lord… :-/
God uses my animals (all seven of them) to teach me things about myself, about Him, and about life. Daisy is definitely front and center in being used of the Lord. Maybe it is coming off of the the winter months, the rain that has kept me inside more where she definitely has “dominion.” I have never had a dog this neurotic OR spoiled…rotten. (I know, I need to own this…)
One of the things we have been trying to do is teach her NOT to bark at everything. I realize that much of this barking may be due to instinct and territory and all of that, but the truth is, we live where there is a POA that takes a very dim view on dogs that bark incessantly. If we want to avoid fines, we have to keep the dogs reasonably quiet. Thus, she and her counterpart, Jordan (our other dog we got from the pound), live inside when we are home–which is a great deal of the time.
I really feel like the ideal situation for them would be a huge ranch where they could roam and run and not be neurotic…but, for now, this is all I have to offer them.
So, to teach Daisy not to bark I have this system figured out. It works pretty well and keeps my blood pressure down. She typically starts her barking frenzies with a deep throaty growl. If I catch it then, we can usually do ok. She responds best to this system I have worked out. As dorky as it sounds. When she starts that low throaty growl, I use an equally low, firm tone, “Daisy, no barking….” If she barks anyway, I scoop her up in my arms, carry her to the couch, put her on it (I know I am sick!) and put my finger and face in her face and say again in a deep, firm tone… “NO barking…” There is something about this combination that has worked where other “methods” have failed.
When she manages not to bark in spite of the deer or wild turkeys right outside the window, she sometimes turns, comes toward me, tail low, look on her face of “Aren’t you proud of me?” and I make a huge deal out of it. A high-pitched “happy” “Good GIRL! No barking! YAY! Good GIRL!” She loves this and wiggles her bottom with glee as I rub her and make quite a production out of her “good choice.” This works much better than the citronella spray collar we tried each time she barked (we were desperate).
There are times, however, when I hear that deep throaty growl and know that some deer (sometimes as many as 8 or 10 of them) have her attention. We start our exchange:
Daisy: (deep throaty growl…standing in the living room)
Me: (deep voice with conviction, but calm…) Daisy, no barking….
Daisy: (more throaty growl…glancing at me sideways…)
Me: Daisy……no barking…
This is the moment of decision…Will she choose to head for the window? If so, it almost guarantees that she has decided to toss aside her training in favor of a frenzied assault on the window with uproarious barking. This is where the “fun” is and where giving in to instinct and everything else all comes into play. It is tough to stop it once it starts, short of my doing the scooping her up into my arms and toss her on the couch routine….
This week, men were working along our road, clearing out brush, making burn piles, coming and going all day, every day. There were a lot of opportunities for Daisy to practice what she knows and for us to continue to grow in Christ-like character as she chose NOT to. 😉 There were times when she would resist her impulse and come to me tail wagging, “I did good! I am not barking!”
…and then there were the other times… Casting a sidelong look over her shoulder she would head for the window with gusto…maybe holding back barking…for another few seconds…before letting loose in a frenzy!
It was during those times when she would head to the window to look outside that I was reminded of myself. Daisy’s choice to throw her training aside happened before she ever started barking. It happened when she chose to look over her shoulder at me and then head to the window anyhow…knowing that if she looked out the window she would see something surely worthy of “caving in” for…worth barking over.
It reminded me of Romans 13:14 that says: “…make no provision for the flesh in regard to its lusts. “
Now I KNOW that Daisy isn’t “sinning” exactly … so please don’t straighten me out about this, but God certainly used this as a mirror for me…
How often do I, in spite of my “training,” cast a sidelong look to God, but then head toward that spot where I know I will experience temptation that may seem beyond my ability to withstand in the moment? How often do I “make provision for my flesh,” knowing that I will probably “give in” and let slide all that I know is best and right? How often do I cast aside the joy of my Master in exchange for giving in to what seems instinctual to me?
For instance, let’s say I know that each time I go to the Cool Deli I simply will NOT resist buying and eating a huge piece of chocolate cheese cake, no matter what my hunger number. I have a number of options…and depending on which I choose, I think it reflects my intentions. So, let’s say I figure, “Well, I will go in to the Deli, but not buy a piece of chocolate cheesecake.” Ok…that is a good start, perhaps. But then, maybe I go a bit farther the longer I am at the deli. “I will buy the chocolate cheesecake and save it for sharing with my husband at home when I am at a 0.” Ok. Good intentions there, too. The longer I sit at the deli, though, with that unopened cheesecake sitting in front of me (they have them on paper plates, with plastic wrap covering them), the more I begin to ponder… “Well, I am not *quite* at a 5…I *could* have a couple of bites of this cheesecake and be ok…” See? There it is…getting closer to blatantly barking my head off at the deer. 😉 Before I know it, I have eaten the entire piece of chocolate cheesecake!
So, when did my choice to “cast aside my training” happen? In this case, until I grow in maturity, I believe it happened when I chose to buy the cheesecake at all…maybe even when I chose to go buy a sandwich at the Deli at all. Maybe I need to stay away from the Deli for a season!
So, I “make provision for my flesh,” for my lusts to have their way with me when I don’t safeguard my life from those tempting situations that I know cause me to stumble. There may be a season when I need to stay away from the Deli, or a season where I don’t have any of a favorite food in the house, or where I don’t go out to eat with a certain friend who I have historically chowed down with. These choices may be what I need to do to avoid making provisions for my flesh. I want to safeguard my life and so it is worth it to structure things so I am not in these tempting situations.
While I have been writing this, the deer have wandered past the window. Daisy tried her best to resist her urge until Jordan gave in and barked…and then she caved…
In the mid-80s, the Nike sports-shoe company was losing a lot of ground to Reebok. As “legend” has it, the “Just Do It” campaign was birthed during a meeting when someone threw out the comment “You Nike guys just do it…” rather off-handedly.
During the mid-80s to mid-90s, the Nike company’s “Just Do It” advertising campaign was responsible for a huge shift in the consumer dollars spent on sports shoes. Nike’s approach was a winner. Sometimes, “Just Do It” works. It did for Nike and, often, it works for us.
There are times when one has to choose, with an act of the will to “Just Do It.” To set aside all the excuses and to take one baby step toward choosing, in this moment, to live out the freedom that Christ has purchased for us.
Sometimes, as I am finding this morning (for instance), grabbing this moment for the Lord means a form of refusing to “Just Do It.” What I mean is that sometimes I have had this attitude that my choice doesn’t matter, so I will just get up off the couch where I have been having my quiet time, head for the kitchen and eat that donut instead of waiting until I am hungry…”Just do it” in a negative light.
So, this morning, as temptation has been present, I have chosen a “Just Don’t Do It” sort of mentality. Just DON’T give in to temptation. Just DON’T get up and have breakfast until I am hungry. Just DON’T make a cup of white chocolate, caramel cappuccino (a “new” vice for me if I let it be…caffeine and all!).
I want to refuse to give in to activities and attitudes that, in the past, have allowed my flesh to have rule over me, over my mind, over my heart. I am done with that…or I want to be.
Sometimes, I can choose an alternate activity to eating…when temptation faces me I can do something else:
We chose an alternate activity (to eating) so that what we’ve done in the past no longer has dominion over us. This will allow us even more time to sort out the feelings that arise and to choose how to respond rightly. By choosing to stop and not give in to disordered eating, we give the Spirit opportunity to speak. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 173
WHY do I want to, time and again, eat when I am not hungry? What drives that? Why, when I know that eating more than my body needs causes a host of problems for me (including weight gain), do I want to keep doing that which causes such negative results? There is something inside me that isn’t rational…
The sinful nature of our flesh…says, “Get the pain to stop! Get rid of the discomfort!” The Spirit says, “Listen to that hunger. Wait for the Lord.” As we do this, we enter a new pattern of behavior in which we are continuously being renewed in intimacy with the Spirit, choice by choice. GTST, p. 174
Each moment matters…and not just in the “dieting” sense, though it matters there, too. It matters at a much deeper level. When I allow my impulses to drive me, then the first thought I get of the brownies in the kitchen or the left over chimichanga results in my heeding or “obeying” that impulse… I HOP up and follow my fleshly impulses and allow those impulses to drive my life.
Rather, I aspire to stop. I can think of it in one of two ways (or both):
“Just Do It”…just make the hard choice, just say no to the flesh.
Or think of it the other way:
“Just don’t do it…” don’t allow the impulses to drive my choices…learn to harness my appetites.
There is something so much deeper at work here than the food, body size, weight.
As I have refused this morning to give in to fleshly impulses, as I have waited on the Lord in this place…and not gotten up from the couch to go eat breakfast before I am hungry, I have been embraced by his presence. I am more aware of Him. His voice is clearer, His love more tangible. Though it is always present, I so often insulate myself from intimacy with the One who created me by turning to food to be my Delight and my Comfort. These things HE wants to be.
If you believe what you read or see, then all there is to grabbing a hold of joy or happiness is some chicken nuggets or Sara Lee cookies or cakes!
I have finally figured out that my joy and happiness are NOT somehow connected to a frozen cake, or a package of “donnettes” or…a HAPPY MEAL!
The way to shangri-la is NOT the drive through!
But I wonder if I don’t subtly still buy this message:
“Ice Cream – An Excellent Source of Happiness”
“The Joy of Eating: Cheese Enchiladas!”
Can you identify?
This totally relates to where I have been with processing the material in the Get Thin Stay Thin book. Instead of rushing earnestly to a diet coke (“But I LOVE my bubbles!”) or to whatever tasty treat would satisfy my “sweet tooth,” I see more than ever that God wants me in those moments to “Be Still and Know that I AM God…”
It is hard to do this. I mean, I can joke about how ridiculous it is for me to look to food for happiness, but honestly…I still do it. That is all there is to it. There is a big work yet ahead.
I don’t want to keep trying things and not get it PERFECT! (Duh…I don’t seem to have gotten past this!)
The more I interact with people, the easier it is to feel things I don’t want to feel, too. It isn’t so much that people do anything wrong…not at all…but there are triggers I have…that I thought were gone…or going…and people seem to flip those triggers due to no fault of their own. I much prefer to just sorta float along and not see just how far I am from really *applying* the truths God has been teaching me.
If I don’t interact with people, then it is easy to soothe myself with this reassurance that I am growing and changing.
This morning, when I got up to meet with God, all I wanted to do was cry. A question from my accountability partner in email yesterday flashed through my mind…What is this about? I directed the question to God. He very gently reminded me that THIS is what He wants from me. For me to sit before him and FEEL. Rather than stuffing down my feelings with busy-ness or food or whatever else…he wants me to go ahead and cry, but cry to HIM. I still struggle with this. No…”struggle” is the wrong word…I hate it. I want to make it go away!
I wonder if I will ever really live the words in Get Thin Stay Thin:
Obedience and godly choices are going to come not by our effort or our will power, but rather by trusting God’s perfect design for our lives and allowing the Holy Spirit to work within us. As we make choices in agreement with God’s will, our awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness and trust inspires us to choose increasingly in accordance with the Spirit of Christ within us. GTST, p. 172
Trusting in God’s perfect design definitely means waiting on him. Sitting with how I am feeling, enduring the pain of it…letting it wash over me if need be…and waiting for Him to show up and be enough. YUCK! I would rather have an Oreo milkshake. (Doesn’t this sound ridiculous?) I know that I would really rather have the work done in me that he intends to do…but it seems to hurt just so much. How can that be?
And what if he doesn’t show up, but allows me to sit in my need for a looong while? What will that do to my faith? Can I “afford” that? Will I believe him that this, too, is his perfect design? Will I trust him?
Surrender implies that we set our mind on the Spirit, being prepared to wait patiently for him to speak to us. It implies that when we become aware of our silent hunger, we let go of the demand that it be instantly gratified with food. GTST, p. 173
Have you ever been in traffic … (who hasn’t?) and couldn’t see what was holding you up? All you knew was that everything was at a sudden standstill. You didn’t know if there was an accident or road construction or a dog in the road…or what. You wondered if you would be stuck for an hour or 3 minutes.
Sometimes when things are slowed down like this, motorists, eager to see what is going on, get out of their cars to walk to the shoulder to see if they can see around the line of traffic…to see how far traffic is backed up, if there are emergency vehicles or what…
Sometimes, you can see or hear helicopters circling overhead. These vehicles are often associated with news traffic reports. They have a different perspective. Where we on the ground see only what is in front of us…limited vision at best…the pilot of the helicopter has a totally different–more effective–vantage point. He sees things more accurately. That is why what they see is often broadcast to us through our radio stations. It helps us to know what to avoid or where to head next or how soon we can expect traffic to begin rolling again.
There is a need for me to realize that sometimes my perspective skews things. What I think is TRUTH may not actually BE truth. One way this affects me is with regard to how I view “obedience” or cooperating with God in the standards to which he calls. He wants me to glorify him in my eating and drinking.
So the Hallidays make a valid point:
Obedient responsibility for our bodies and choosing to eat only when we are hungry and stopping before we’re full can be perceived either as an objectionable obligation or as an inviting opportunity. GTST, p. 171
It is a matter of perspective. How do I see things? Do I see the big picture? Like the helicopter pilot above the traffic jam? Or do I see it as an irritation that is going to ruin my hour, my day, my week!?
The way this is stated, it really makes it clear. I can be a baby having a tantrum or delight in being invited into fellowship with God where he cares even about what seems so mundane in my life!
Love for God shifts our attitude from the objectionable, “I have to avoid it at all costs,” to loving response, “It’s a choice I want to make,” in obedience to him. Since all of this originated from the love of God, our new attitude arises from our deep assurance of God’s good will toward us. We come ultimately to the sure knowledge that pursuing godly choices will result in a depth of joy and satisfaction that makes every other pleasure and gratification seem trivial. GTST, p. 171-172
A shift in my perspective will enable me to recognize the hunger in my soul, the agitation, the tendency toward rebellion welling up in me and trust that God wants it surfaced and that HE will meet it, HIS way, in HIS time. I don’t need to shove it down and pretend it isn’t there. Recognize it. Give voice to it (this is showing respect), and present it to God – “Lord, what will you do with this?”
The basis for our choices then becomes not what will gratify my desire immediately, but what will satisfy my hunger for God and His righteousness. With this silent hunger at the core of our being, we develop a profound desire to respond in obedience to God by honoring our bodies. GTST, p. 172
This change in perspective will change everything…everything. I delight in the invitation to walk with God and to hear him whisper to me about what I eat or drink. I won’t resent his intrusion or minimize his presence. I will thank him that he wants me to be aware of him. So high and lifted up, yet intimate in the moment with me…right now…with you right now. He is here, he touches you, he delights over you with singing right now. He invites each of us to dine with HIM.
Let’s shift our perspective, shall we? Rather than resent the intrusion, let’s confidently know that he has a greater plan in his sights. It is a GOOD plan. It will bring TRUE joy and TRUE satisfaction to our hearts!
…let us throw off everything that hinders… Hebrews 12:1b
The video below may be very hard to watch. Supposedly no horses or people were permanently physically hurt or killed in this video (there is no bloodshed).
The video is of a pleasure driving class. Fancy clothes, fancy horses, fancy “buggies,” and a wreck. A BIG wreck…
Horses are prey animals. They are hard wired to think things are chasing them to eat them. The fact that they ever pull something behind them safely is an amazing thing. But, given one scary moment, what often happens is the switch is flipped in their mind and instinct to survive takes over. They aren’t just afraid they will be *hurt*, but are convinced they will be gutted and killed by whatever it is that is behind them (one reason I don’t think I will ever ride in something pulled by a horse).
What I see in this video is precisely what I have been doing in my life…Blinders on, racing through life, afraid of what seems to be chasing me. I don’t seem to realize that I carry it with me. I have wrecks constantly, taking out innocent bystanders along the way. Just what damage do I do…?
The safest thing is, of course, to stop the forward momentum–to be still. To allow my “Handler” to remove the cart, the baggage…and to free me from what ails me. He will remove the blinders, too. He will enable me to catch my breath, to see clearly…what I was running from like an out-of-control locomotive is something I bring with me. I have to let Him show me this or I will keep doing it…without meaning to.
I can blame others all I like, but the truth is…I bring it all with me. I must let it go.
This is what God has been doing in my life over the past couple of months…showing me that I have been bringing very “quiet” baggage into my life. I didn’t even know it was there, attached, stuck to me. Suddenly, when I DO realize something is there, I react! I want to run! I MUST escape!!!
It has affected how I have responded to circumstances (like doctor appointments or conflicts at church). I have been *reacting*…or what Get Thin Stay Thin calls responding “reflexively.” A knee-jerk sort of thing. In fact, with conflicts and struggles at my church, it has even caused me to want to escape…to run for all I am worth–JUST like the horses in this video. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Truly, safety is in the center of the ring with my Handler helping me to see that, when I am with him, all is well…the cart that is attached can be removed, the blinders removed…the baggage unpacked. I can be unencumbered. I can see Truth. I can breathe.
