Life seems crazy these days. I have been tired and so my time in the morning has been short before the day begins to place its demands on me. I haven’t had time to sit and blog like I would like to. I love my early mornings with the Lord, and sleeping “in” until 6:30am has eroded the leisurely time I usually have with all quiet in the house.
Yesterday, as the day got rolling, I found myself irritable without explanation. I was desperate for some time away from demands of the home, the kids, the phone. I knew it called for one thing…time on my horse. 🙂 I am so blessed.
I needed not just time with my horse, but time up on the ridge. So, I planned on riding up there to where I can see the Sierra Nevada mountains covered with snow and the river below. My spirit and soul needed to be restored and I always experience God’s healing touch in my heart and soul when I am out there. I also planned to hike up to the top so that Breezy wouldn’t have to haul me up there, given he is a bit out of shape after the weather has benched us for the past 3 or 4 weeks! I wanted the exercise. It DID feel good to move!
As I was hauling away with Breezy in the trailer I realized I was FAMISHED! Yikes! It was only 10:30 in the morning, yet there I was hungry and leaving the last opportunity for food behind for at least a couple of hours! Oh well. I figured I would survive it. (This is huge…5 years ago, the thought would have sent me into a panic. It still can these days, too!)
With the beauty of the day (it was 65 degrees!) and the crystal clear sky, the company of a great horse :-), lots of fresh spring grass, I didn’t think of food again until we were hauling home 2 hours later! I actually forgot all about food. At 1pm I had a great lunch…taste buds all “perky” since I was so hungry!
It was interesting to me how important food had seemed when I was driving off, heading toward the staging area where Breezy and I would ride…and how easily I forgot about it as I got involved in something I loved and needed. I love to pray on my solitary rides…I sometimes lift my hands in praise and sometimes sing a praise song or hymn or two! “How Great is our God” goes great from the top of a mountain when the snow-capped Sierra’s are in view! I am so blessed. I live just 15 minutes from the trailhead where Breezy and I hiked! (As you can see in the photo, he didn’t have to wait to have something to eat!)
Here is a photo, though it was taken before we reached the top! Funny how I didn’t even think of food when my heart and mind and soul and spirit (and body!) were caught up in other wonderful things! Lesson here for me! 🙂
When I grow up, I simply HAVE to meet this lady in person and go to Disneyland with her. Here is a link to a post from her blog that is SO right on the money. Be blessed, challenged, convicted, encouraged, as you read! Bookmark or Google Reader her site so you can keep up with her journey. GREAT stuff there! She has a great sense of humor, too!
Think for a minute about a counterfeit…counterfeit money or counterfeit jewelry or a counterfeit of a great work of art. Designed to look, act, seem to be the real thing, there is one small problem with a counterfeit–it isn’t the real thing. It doesn’t cut it. On the surface, sure–all appears in place. But not once you get deeper. Just as it would be appalling to welcome an impostor disguised as someone you know and love into your home, it misses the mark when we welcome counterfeit means of meeting deep needs of our hearts with fakes, counterfeits, “impostors.”
God declares you worthy of love, connection, and intimacy as His precious children for whom he sacrificed his only son. Your security, significance and self-worth are firmly established in this truth. As his children, your need to be valued, cared for, appreciated, and connected to another is rooted and grounded in God’s love. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 99
It is a God-given need to experience intimacy, connection, and worth…God has gifted us with this desire and its proper fulfillment… GTST, p. 99
If I think about this for a minute it really isn’t where I live. This need for these things. Well, it seems like a curse more often than a gift. Left unfulfilled, it results in pain…and that is why I turn to things to not feel.
The key is proper fulfillment.
What is “proper fulfillment?”
If I can discover that, I know the drive to “numb out” wouldn’t be there! The counterfeits wouldn’t be so appealing as the real thing would more than suffice!
The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin point out that in our families of origin, these needs were not only often left unmet, but we received messages that actually countered God’s truths. Most of us were in dysfunctional families…people did their best, perhaps, but nevertheless, they sent us messages that we interpreted as devaluing. We began to believe we were deficient, valueless…and shame may have begun to grow very early. We may believe we don’t “deserve” the good things in life as a result.
Last night, when I was meeting with my accountability partner, God revealed that he had shown us both the same thing…there is a core belief operating that comes (for me at least) out of my dysfunctional upbringing. It is a belief that flies in the face of GOD’S TRUTH.
The false belief (lie) that:
I do NOT deserve to be thin, healthy, and happy.
I used to discount this notion… the notion that I embraced this false belief. It sounded like so much psycho-babble, frankly.
But working through the Get Thin Stay Thin book (what used to be Thin Again and Silent Hunger), I realize it IS true. The messages communicated to me growing up were that I was a mistake, a bother, a lot of trouble and unwanted. Somehow, I have taken a hold of that and turned it into a definition of my value or worth now…and if I have little value or worth, I definitely don’t deserve a happy life…or a rich, blessed life…a joy-filled life and anything “good.”
As a result, I have been desperately trying to sabotage all that God has been trying to work in me and through me. I lost the weight that I did probably by sheer determination–a “Just Do It” mentality–but I have been battling keeping the weight off, sabotaging everything…so now God is showing me the truth behind the following words in the Get Thin Stay Thin book:
God calls us, through the most basic function of our daily life, to look deeply into ourselves, to look beyond a simple change in our size or outer appearance: He wants to transform us from the inside out for eternity. GTST, p. 117.
This is about so much more than losing weight and keeping it off!
There is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). God sent His son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).
But I keep condemning myself!
If we believe at all that we aren’t *worthy* of having a healthy physical body, or of enjoying being thin or something related..we may very well continue to sabotage our own efforts.
For me this comes back to allowing the Lord to renew my mind with HIS truth. Replacing those lies I embrace with HIS truth. Rejecting my old unworkable beliefs. He says I am worth dying for. Certainly HE defines my worth as being that beyond anything I could fathom given the price he paid to redeem me…It is stunning to consider.
I am working on changing what I believe as I know that beliefs affect my actions…the very actions that I don’t understand about myself…derailing my efforts to honor God with my eating and drinking. To grab at the counterfeits when I know they are impostors masquerading as satisfaction.
Lord, please help us to embrace truth about our value and worth in your sight. I pray that we might reject the lies of the enemy that keep us wallowing in a place from which you have set us free. We think we don’t deserve to leave our prison cells. So, even though the chains have fallen and the doors are open, we stay in our cells, frittering away our lives, beating ourselves up, convinced we deserve that or less. Oh, Lord, we must reject these things. Help us to allow you to lift our eyes…to see the doors are wide open, you have set us, the captives, free! You have chosen to attribute to us Christ’s righteousness. We aren’t just forgiven. We have been given the righteousness of Christ. Because of your declaration and all you have accomplished, we “deserve” all the blessings that go along with the inheritance of your precious son! Oh, what a great amazing gift this is! May we walk in the splendor of the calling we have received! May we reject lies and embrace YOUR truth…step into the freedom you have for us. Help us to believe the truth, Lord. In the Name of Jesus and for His Sake, Amen.
I wanted to share how I have been using this chart. The first example is Sunday’s chart.
Date: Sunday 02-15-09
Time
Start
#
End
#
Observations
Corrections
8:30am
0
5
Almost got distracted enough while I was eating to eat past satisfied.
Remain vigilant and focused, praising the Lord for my food when eating… 🙂
Noon
0
5
Should have planned. The meal wasn’t as “pleasant” as it could be…and I fear it won’t be sustaining.
Will plan the meals a bit more.
Will sit down at the dinner table!
3:20pm
1
3
I think this “hunger” was “yucky taste in my mouth” hunger.
I should have tried a mint. Instead I had POTENT salsa (homemade) and chips. I will be garlic and onion breath for a few hours now…
5:00pm
1
7
I stopped at an appropriate stopping place. Waited…then ate the rest of one enchilada.
Go back to the practice of asking for a take out box to be served WITH the meal. That way, I can scoop stuff into it before I even start eating…planning to eat only a small portion of what is served (all I need). I had forgotten about this!
8:00pm
1
1
Intense hassles with ____ not handled well.
Need to take this stuff to God ahead of time.
9:15pm
1
5
Still should have processed how I felt. I WILL do this. BEFORE it happens.
The following is Monday’s chart:
Time
Start
#
End
#
Observations
Corrections
8:30am
0
5
~
~
Noon
0
6
* Limited myself on the # of fries I ate. YAY!
* Stopped eating before everyone else had. YAY!
– Ate too fast.
– Was thirsty at the end of the meal and drank soda…putting me over the 5 that I had stopped eating at.
– I must continue to work on slowing down my eating. Putting down my fork or, in this case, doing something else with my fingers (it was all finger food) might be a good idea. In the past, I have gotten up to use the restroom in the middle of the meal to give my stomach time to process the meal. That helps.
– I need to keep in mind that I don’t want to have more soda than one small cupful. I either need to drink water, too…or not drink anything until the end (not preferable…) or…Actually, eating slower will probably help me space things a bit better. Having less salty foods might help, too.
6:00pm
0
5
* Chose to have partial portion of dessert and the rest later. GOOD! 🙂
~
9:45pm
0
5
~
~
I had more success keeping my eating between 0 and 5, but notice that I included POSITIVE “observations” as well. I wanted to recognize and share with my accountability partner some of the *good* choices that I made…
Anyhow, again, I hope this helps. We really do need to give credit to the Lord for the many ways he is working inside of us. Each time I say no to the flesh and deny myself, I am investing a bit more in what HE desires for me for all of eternity. The cool thing is, with God’s economy, when I “slip up” or “mess up,” it doesn’t negate all of the moments that I have made good choices. Not at all. Thinking that a “slip up” ruins the day is a vestige of my dieting days. The truth is, any time I capture this moment, this choice for the Lord, he makes it count as an investment in something much greater! THIS MOMENT MATTERS! 🙂
Who wants to experience pain? Not most of us, certainly. I am no different than most. So I know that it is understandable that during the years I was growing up, I used means and methods that I could to numb the pain of living in a dysfunctional family.
I continue to this day to tend to rely on those, only now, now that I am no longer a child, now that I am responsible and aware of what the Lord desires in my life, I know that to rely on these coping mechanisms is less than what he intends for me…or is sin. (Not a very popular word, “sin.” It just means less than what God intends–falling short of his plan.)
Here are yet more thoughts on Get Thin Stay Thin, chapter 4 =======
Where once our struggle with food, eating, and weight served as a coping mechanism, a way to survive emotional pain, now as we begin to heal from our past hurts, we establish a godly sense of our identity and worth and open ourselves to new ways of dealing with feelings and relationships. Then the true miracle occurs. Where once we experienced an unsanctified hunger (our appetite) based on the lust of the flesh, we now begin to experience a sanctified hunger–the hunger for God’s love, intimacy, and the transformation of our hearts. GTST, p. 92
I am seeing afresh that in order to go through this process, I have to be willing to sit a while with the pain–to feel it. It isn’t pleasant. But it is necessary. As I feel the pain, I am able to turn to the Lord and ask Him what his intention is for it. He can use it for my spiritual formation and growth. The very reason he allows pain into my life will not be thwarted. When I numb out to the pain I feel, I keep myself from that which he intends to use the pain to accomplish. This means that sooner or later, he will need to bring it along again (and again…and again…) until I allow what he intends. Coping mechanisms keep me from HIS best. I am at a place where I really would like to learn what he wants and press on to whatever is next! Enough with messing around!
Where once we wanted only to lose weight, we now begin to experience a sanctified hunger–the hunger for God’s love, intimacy and the transformation of our hearts. Where once we wanted only to lose weight, we now begin to recognize and desire God’s greater purpose–not simply to constrain our doing (our eating) by the law, but to conform our being (our character and intention of our hearts) by grace. GTST, p. 92
So many of us, even as we “commit” to this process of eating when we are hungry and stopping when we are no longer hungry–yes, even those of us who leave dieting behind forever (YAY!)–allow ourselves to hyper-fixate on the scale or on losing weight. I know I have done that and do even now. But the truth is, this isn’t about losing weight. It is about so much more. Something eternal. God has so much more for us than to be tormented by food and weight. He is after a character overhaul.
When my family and I bought four horses all at once (new horse owners…I do NOT recommend doing this!) six years ago, we had dreams of riding off into the sunset together. Our family would be *happy* and enjoy hours and days on the trail with our steeds! The reality is, we have never once been on the trail together with these horses. We bought three that couldn’t be ridden by beginners (which three of my family members were at the time) and one of those three was dead lame. The road has been long, hard, and extremely disappointing (not to mention expensive!).
As noble a desire as it was to have family time together on the trail, God has had something much more in store by allowing this trial in our lives. He has been using this situation for these past 6 years to form and shape our character, to teach us to look beyond our little plans and schemes to a greater good that he has in store.
Several times a day when my mind wanders toward food, I am reminded of my extreme dependence on the Lord–of my need for Him, of His provision, of His plan. God has taken something so mundane as my need for physical sustenance and used it to bring home that I am totally dependent on His grace. He is definitely after something bigger and deeper than my arriving and staying at my “natural God-given size.” I miss it if I make this be about my physical body or “looking good” in a pair of jeans.
We savor the silence, the peace of God’s presence. Our lives change from being filled with guilt, worthlessness, and shame to being spontaneous and filled with the fruits of the Spirit–peace, hope, love, and joy. We find security and significance as God satisfies us with the goodness of his presence. We are restored to our rightful purpose and our true home. GTST, p. 92-93
To me, these things are worth so much more than being in the “skinny jeans.” I want to know what it is like to be “ok” sitting in the silence of God’s presence, to be able to rest in peace, to experience the joy of HIS satisfaction instead of that constant longing. I relish the day when I have learned these lessons, that my significance is based not on having and maintaining the approval of others, but in knowing that the LORD alone defines who and what I am and my value and worth!
More thoughts on Chapter 4 of Get Thin Stay Thin by Arthur and Judy Halliday… ========
A grace-oriented approach is risky precisely because it does evoke our body’s natural responses…”0″ is an important place to begin. Your body will begin to speak to you if you stop keeping it muffled and numbed by stuffing it with food. The emotions will come up, and they will need to be acknowledged and addressed in light of God’s glorious grace. GTST, p. 91
As I look back on our mini-vacation last week, I wondered about why I fell into some old habits and patterns–especially while being on the road. Highway 50 up over the summit is narrow, windy and the drop off on one side is steep. I was extremely anxious on our way going even though the weather was cooperative. Could it be I was so nervous merely because my husband was driving? My thoughts of “I need to eat” as we traveled baffled me.
It wasn’t until I got home and was thinking about things in retrospect that I realized…Lake Tahoe is the place of a lot of childhood memories for me. Many of them sad, some scary. I have memories of being on that road in the back seat of our Avanti, terrified as my dad drove recklessly and under the influence of alcohol. No wonder I felt like a scared little kid again on Wednesday as we made our way to Zephyr Cove! In many ways, I *was*.
I did think to ask the Lord to help me to feel my anxiety and fear and to allow him to be my comfort. In the car, I had few options, certainly. I want to do this throughout my day today…to attend to my feelings and emotions that rise up, rather than numb them with food or time on the internet.
When we stop eating for all the wrong reasons and follow the principles, waiting for our “0,” the body speaks and the desires and intentions of our hearts are revealed. GTST,, p. 92
I want to grow and mature in Christ. Allowing myself to feel is an important part of that so that God can move in to those feelings and heal them or show me what HE desires I do with them. Oh, I see this is such a vital part of my spiritual formation! I don’t want to short-circuit this process with food or anything else!
Through grace, with our assent, our desire begins to be transformed. Energies that once were dedicated simply to relieving ourselves from the pain now become dedicated to a larger goodness, more aligned with the true treasure of our hearts. GTST, p. 92
Oh, Lord, help me to allow myself a chance to feel today–to experience what it is like to be me in present time. Then, help me to bring these feelings to you–for healing and wholeness…and holiness. Lord, I want to be able to be an extension of your love and grace to others. When I am so self-absorbed it is nearly impossible to be aware of the needs of others. I lift this up to you. Lord, I choose today NOT to silence my “silent hunger” with food or with distractions of the internet. Today, I choose to feel and to bring whatever I have to YOU. Thank you that you receive me, that you love me, that your grace is enough for me. In Jesus I pray, Amen.
From October through the end of December, I reported daily to my accountability partner using a report form that was rather stringent. I found that I chafed somewhat…it threw me back a bit into a dieting mentality. For years I couldn’t use any of the tools in Thin Within. A couple of years ago, I began to be able to use some of the tools with freedom.
During the holidays of 2008, however, I saw a shift in my thinking that was definitely not God’s plan for me!
So during January, I stepped back from that and got unstructured in my accountability. This hasn’t been quite right either!
Below is a new “form” I am trying. It is a happy medium that I hope will work for this leg of my journey.
Date ____________________
Time
Start #
End #
Observation
Correction
Comments:
—————————–
You are welcome to use this as well if you like. 🙂 But be sure you have the Lord’s “go ahead” on it.
The first column “Time” is self-explanatory.
The second, “Start #” refers to my hunger number on the hunger scale. “0” is physical hunger that I have learned is an ache or gnawing sensation just below my sternum. It isn’t a sound, a “growl,” as I can have those sounds when I am digesting food! “0” is definitely EMPTY…physical emptiness and need for nourishment!
The third column, “End #” refers to where my hunger level is on the hunger scale when I stop eating. “5” is defined as physically satisfied, but for me, it is easiest to stop at the right moment if I consider “No longer hungry” that place. It is a place where the discomfort of hunger has been removed. If I eat more slowly, I can eat a bit more. So often I eat too fast (I am working on this) and it takes the stomach 10 minutes or more to signal the brain it has had enough food!
The fourth column is “Observation.” This is where I dispassionately observe my behaviors and beliefs during my meal. (Yes, ANY time food is eaten, it is a “meal.” Even a “snack” is a “meal.”) For instance, “I ate too fast,” “Got distracted” might be observations.
The fifth column is “Correction,” and it directly relates to my observation column. It is the practical thing I will do to avoid whatever behavior or belief didn’t agree with my goal to honor God with my eating and drinking.
This is a short video clip that my daughter took of me going down our saucer run while we were at Lake Tahoe this week.
I wish I could describe all that I feel and think when I see this video. There is so much here.
I know I said it already…So many years I saw them off. I spent the vacation times at home while the family went up to the snow to have fun…I chose to stay home instead of trying to shove my body into warmer clothes and to labor climbing up the sledding hills in the thinner air and higher elevation. I didn’t want the humiliation that I felt being so self-conscious…and I couldn’t see how putting my body through so much work could be fun for me. I was so out of shape. The humiliation and shame of how I looked and that I would be embarassed…well, it all tormented me.
So I just told the kids and hubby I would hold down the fort at home and take care of all the animals, have some quiet time alone and all would be fine.
For years I missed out on so much.
Now, Daniel doesn’t enjoy the snow as much as he did when he was younger. It won’t be long before my babies are grown up and off on their own with other things to do than go with their folks to the snow or play on saucer runs.
I chose to miss it.
Please, reader…don’t miss living because of weight or your self-concept. God has more than that for us! He wants us to LIVE! If you are tempted to give in to isolating because of shame or whatever the reason…don’t do it. Don’t let the enemy win. The battle is worth the fight for a million reasons.
Hi, everyone. We are on vacation in Zephyr Cove in South Lake Tahoe. The internet connection is unreliable–so no blogging for me!
Here are a few pictures…hopefully the internet connection will last as I upload!
A snow angel! Aptly named as this is my 14-year-old daughter, Michaela…an angel, herself! 😉
There wasn’t much snow when we came up here, but we managed to carve a saucer run in between rocks, bushes, trees, and fallen logs–things that would normally be covered in a dozen feet of snow! Oh well! In the above picture, I am careening down the hill…waving as I come!
This is the man I love pretending to be a moose. 🙂
For years, I refused to go on these snow trips with my family. My weight and self-perception totally hindered me. I love that I can join them now and have a blast with them–even if the snow doesn’t cooperate!
I wish I hadn’t waited to live. I missed many years of enjoyment with my family by allowing my sense of value be determined by my weight…
