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What Must Die for Me to See Him?
Read:
In the year that King Uzziah died, I saw the Lord seated on a throne, high and exalted, and the train of his robe filled the temple. – Isaiah 6:1
Consider:
Sometimes I wonder if something in me has to die before I can really see the Lord as He is.
When I make God too small in my eyes, He is easily eclipsed by my obsessions. When that happens, He seems remote, uncaring, and impersonal. He isn’t even on my radar screen.
For instance, when I insist that I should be a size 12, every pair of 14s I have to put on, chafes against something inside of me. I am resentful. To get to my self-imposed “goal,” I ignore the hunger signals that God has ordained, hardening my heart to His presence and tenderness. The truth is, when I am hungry, I should eat to fuel my body! I don’t want to refuse to eat for the sake of a pair of pants. I have to let go of my image of the “perfect” body.
What if God wants my vision for my body to die? What if the size I think I should be isn’t at all what God is after in this journey? What if God makes it clear that he calls me to never again get on another bathroom scale? Am I willing to let go of these things? What if he has something else in store? Something grander?
In fact, what if my entire struggle with food, eating and my self-image all my life isn’t about my body or food at all? What if it is about pressing on to knowing Him better? What if He wants to show me a vision of Himself, “high and exalted?”
Lord, please help me to let go of anything that keeps me from seeing you in your Heavenly glory. I choose to release my hold on anything to which I cling too tightly, anything that keeps me from lifting my eyes, my heart, my hands to you in honest, complete surrender. Lord, I want to see you and to allow you to remake me from the inside out. Take my dreams and my hopes. I refuse to let my dream of being a certain size cause me to harden my heart to your leading. As I let go, dear Father, give life to what remains. I know this is a marvelous trade!
Point to Ponder: When something in me dies, God gives birth to something much better.
For Further Study and Prayer:
1.) Read John 12:23-32. From this passage, what are some things that died? What came in their place?
2.) Is there something in you that needs to die in order for God to have His way with you? If so, what might it be? How do you feel about this?
We are called to a *process* as Christ-followers. I think we tend to miss this a lot. When we try so hard to obey the Lord and then “sploogie” in a choice made in an instant, do we get caught in self-condemning thoughts? Or do we shake it off, observe and correct, confess and repent?
Dontcha just love big theological words? Well here are a couple of $2 words … but they are important, so I want to try to explain what they mean, too.
God has already provided propitiation and justification in Christ. Those things are DONE, in Christ!
Ok, so what does that mean? 🙂
Propitiation – God’s wrath against sin was satisfied when it was poured out against His sinless Son. I did NOTHING to earn this blessing and I can do NOTHING to lose it. In Christ, God considers any wrath or condemnation that would have been poured out on me as already satisfied, done, finished when he dragged me to Himself and I embraced Jesus’ having gone to the cross for me.
Justification – More than just “not guilty,” God has now declared me righteous in Christ. It is HIS doing, not mine. Nothing I could ever do could cause me to “win” this declaration and nothing I could ever do could cause me to lose it. He has decided it would be for the pleasure of his will. (See Ephesians 2)
So here is the thing…I have to understand that when I have condemning thoughts toward myself, these thoughts aren’t at all in agreement with God’s thoughts toward me if I am in Christ! Every bit of condemnation, every tiny shred of wrath against sin was poured out and satisfied in Christ. If I feel condemned it is NOT FROM THE LORD! Romans 8:1 says there is NO condemnation for me if I am in Christ! I think the enemy loves it when I continue to wallow in condemnation as if Christ’s priceless gift wasn’t attributed to my account!
Propitiation and justification are things I can’t do at all on my own. I am hopeless apart from Christ. Apart from Christ, God’s wrath would be poured out on me for eternity.
That said, there is a huge difference between propitiation, justification and sanctification, another $2 word! :-). Sanctification is a process that I do get to participate in. Vines Expository Dictionary says that sanctification must be learned from God and and it must be pursued by the believer, earnestly and undeviatingly. Vines goes on to say: “…it cannot be transferred or imputed, it is an individual possession, built up, little by little, as the result of obedience to the Word of God, and of following the example of Christ, Matt. 11:29; John 13:15; Eph. 4:20; Phil. 2:5, in the power of the Holy Spirit, Rom. 8:13; Eph. 3:16.” (See this webpage.)
This description makes it clear…sanctification is a process. THIS is that to which I am called!
I participate, yes, but God knows that this is a process. He already did the once for all payment for all sin (the justification and the propitiation). Now, as one who loves him, I strive to pursue one step closer in the sanctification process.
He knows that I am frail and am only dust! He knows that this is a high calling, a high standard. He chose us in Him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight (see Ephesians 1). His calling me holy and choosing to do so from before the foundation of the earth is not dependent on whether I binge again, or if I (conversely) refuse to eat when he tells me to, or any behavior on my part.(This is justification mentioned earlier…)
Somehow, though, I think if I binge, that I fall under his wrath! I think I have “let God down,” or that “God is mad at me.” This isn’t true! Propitiation proves it! Justification seals it!
He does call me to hang in there in the process to which he has called. That IS obedience. When I stumble and even WANT to get back up and move forward again, this IS obedience.This is the sanctification process that will go on for the rest of my life.
So often the women I have spoken with on the Thin Within forums, in email, at groups I have spoken with…we have defined obedience in a way that the Lord doesn’t! We tend to think (or to act like we think) it is sinless perfection! So if I stray one bit, I think I have canceled everything out! THIS IS A LIE! It is from the Father of Lies! In fact, I will go a step farther and say that this is a vestige of our dieting days, too. In the day we dieted, we could “be good” all day long, stay within our points or calorie allotment, but if at 8pm we gave in to temptation (even if we were hungry) and had the hot fudge sundae or the third chicken enchilada we wiped out all the “good” that we had done in the day. We had to chalk it up as a “bad” day after all because all we knew was it was either/or, black or white. We got NO credit in our minds for having eaten so “frugally” the rest of the day.
This isn’t the way things work in God’s economy. God is after our hearts. We are being progressively sanctified. Every time we say no to our flesh, it is a part of that HUGE sanctification work! Every time we fail, it is just a bump in the continuum…we get back on track and continue where we left off. It does NOT wipe out all the”good.” Not at all, but the enemy sure wants us to think it does!
God wants our hearts and knows that as long as we are on earth, this is a process of giving ourselves more and more away to him. This is sanctification.
All that to say…girlfriends…we can’t be so all or nothing. Jesus gave his all on the cross…that is the only ALL we can grab on to. We can’t quit this thing (the “nothing” that keeps tempting us to throw in the towel)…it is the process of sanctification that we are called to. Let’s rejoice that He has called us and that we have agreed to go along, even if, at times, it seems like we are stepping forward 3 steps and back 2…We simply have to get over thinking perfection is what he insists on in us. Jesus is the only person who has ever been or ever will be perfect. God delights when we keep trying. That is obedience…that is sanctification…that is honoring to Him. It doesn’t mean we justify our sin. No. We must capture our runaway thoughts and make them captive and if we are sinning then we have to get over it and STOP it, but, and please hear this:
It is every bit as much a sin to condemn ourselves for our sin as it is to sin in the first place!
It is an offense against God to project to Him a condemning spirit when he poured out all wrath and condemnation on his precious son so you would never have to be condemned! Let’s not throw the precious gift of the perfect sinless Son of God back in the face of the Father!
Do we think we need to “atone” for our sins by putting ourselves down and beating ourselves up? Jesus atoned for any sins we could commit. Let’s continue to prevail on His grace, embrace it, praise His name for it and in faith, press on to know him more! He delights in this!
This may seem like a strange request…but I will go ahead and ask anyhow.
The reviews at Amazon.com for The Eden Diet have recently gotten negative! Truthfully, I believe it is because Amazon has a blurb on the book that doesn’t mention it being from a Christian perspective so some of the people buying it, reading it (maybe), and reviewing it are frustrated with Amazon’s description and are taking it out at the author/book page…I wondered, if any of you have read the book and could take a minute to write a review (especially if it is favorable!) that would be soooo awesome.
If you haven’t read the book and you read any of the reviews, you could answer the questions at the end “Was this review helpful?” and that would be supportive, too.
I have been really surprised to see people frustrated with Amazon stating their disdain for the book instead of taking their complaint where it will really help. So, I thought I would ask if any of you have read it and can post a positive review…that would be nice. 🙂 Pretty please. Even a few sentences.
Hi, all. I am crazily trying to get a writing proposal or two ready to be seen by editors at the Mt. Hermon Writer’s Conference. I don’t know if God will open this door, but I want to be ready, if so.
To the right, in the sidebar, you will see a poll I have set up. If you haven’t yet, please vote. I would love to get 100 (or more) responses before the 19th. I know that is possible! Help me out if you don’t mind!
Below is a sample devotional day…I would welcome feedback, too…and if you do the optional exercises, I would love to know what answers you had or if the questions are wonky…don’t make sense, I want to know that too. 🙂 Thanks so much!
=========== Leave and Go!
Read:
The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your country, your people and your father’s household and go to the land I will show you.” – Genesis 12:1
Consider:
Oh, Lord! I sense deep within me that you are calling me to leave what I know and to follow you. In this day, in this moment, you dare me to cast aside the familiar—that to which I cling so tenaciously—in favor of the better, the best! I get to walk with you! Lord! Oh, how this thrills my heart.
Yet, if I am honest, it frightens me, too. You challenge me to release so much. Will I choose to leave behind my attitude about my body, food, what size I think I should be, and what the world insists is “healthy?” I have relied upon compulsive behavior, lists and rules, “making the grade,” striving for the approval of people for so long, but if I evaluate (honestly) where these behaviors have gotten me, I see that I have been stuck. Yes, I need a new perspective. A new vantage point. I want to “live” some place new.
Lord, you see my heart. Even though I choose to step out and trust you, I wish you would tell me where we are going. Somehow, I guess that this isn’t going to be all about what size I am or how much I weigh. But I long for a glimpse of our destination. I wonder if I will allow being with You to be enough for me? I want results so badly!
Maybe it is the journey that matters the most. I know, Lord, I must trust you in order to leave what is behind. You will show me a “land.” A new “land” in which to “settle.”
You, God, are about a big business in my life!
Point to Ponder:
Am I willing to release my hold on the familiar in exchange for what God has in mind?
Optional – For Further Study and Prayer:
1.) God called Abram to leave three things: 1. His country, 2. His people, 3. His father’s house. What three things might God call you to “leave?” Are you willing?
2.) God called Abram to “go” to something he couldn’t see or know about ahead of time. Abram would have to follow the Lord in the moment. How do you feel about doing the same relative to your struggles with food, eating, and your body?
3.) Read Isaiah 6:1, Acts 9:1-22, and cross reference Ruth 1:11-18 and 4:13 with the genealogy of Jesus in Matthew 1:1-5. Prayerfully consider: 1. What did each person give up? 2. What did each person receive? 3. How can these examples give you hope in responding to the call of God?
This morning I was reminded of a principle that I waxed eloquent about a few weeks ago in this blog entry.
As I headed out to feed the horses, I found myself frustrated that I pay so much for hay/feed every 6 weeks. (The delivery had come yesterday, making the usual “hit” to my bank account fresh in my mind.) I was doing anything BUT practicing gratitude…gratitude for these wonderful animals entrusted to my care, the way that God uses them almost daily to teach me truth about life, Him, and about myself, gratitude that my husband has such a wonderful job that I can have a “hobby” like horses, gratitude that I have the land outside my back door where Doc, Harley, Breezy and Dodger live and I can see them each day…Gratitude for the beauty that surrounds me each day.
No, instead, I was “fixing my eyes” on the feed bill…again…(it was pinned to the door of the shed as they delivered it yesterday). As I finished dumping out the hay to eager equine mouths and proceeded to scoop up the manure into the wheel barrow, I was struck by the irony of this…they eat the money (as it were) and then it comes out their other ends and I throw it down the hillside (on to the manure pile).
Add to that the fact that one of them had gotten a hold of one of their winter blankets…expensive things…and thrown it around, tearing it to pieces. Holofill was everywhere. I could just picture Mr. Giraffe Neck, during the wee hours of the morning, discovering the blanket that was hanging over the rail to dry (I had thought it was just out of trouble’s reach). Making mischief, I can imagine him grabbing it with one final victorious stretch and, subsequently, tossing the thing around. I am sure the other three horses had to have a go at playing with it, and I could almost laugh as I envisioned them scaring themselves silly with the flying blankie being flung and shredded during the night. Sigh…Yet more $$ tossed down into the pit in my backyard where the horses live. (Whew…see how quickly I return to that place of “fixing my eyes” on my frustration???)
I came back in the house and, instead of lovingly greeting the family (who had just awakened), I began griping about the cost of each horse, calling myself an idiot for having them, threatening to sell them at “price per pound.” (I would never really do that, but there are times when it is cathartic to fantasize…)
The family just looked at me big-eyed, wondering how bad this tirade would get before I settled down. They each slithered out of the room so as not to be captured in my cross-hairs–I was, apparently, ready to launch grenades…they could tell I was on the rampage…
I groused a while longer and got the old agitated feeling that, over the years, I have associated with “I need food.”
I am so thankful for the work God is doing in me and has done in me. I knew in that moment that I could CHOOSE to “magnify” this issue…the expenses of having horses and how nice it would be not to have them any more (Craig’s list sounded appealing) or….I could choose to magnify the Lord.
I could choose in this moment what I would focus on, what I would fix my eyes on, and make big in my eyes.
I picked up my guitar…in that moment, I decided to fix my eyes on Jesus. I knew instantly what song I had to sing–one by Twila Paris that we have sung at church and that I often find myself singing to myself: When I look into Your eyes I see the love that died for me When I look into Your eyes I see the hope that I will be a faithful child
Following close behind Following ever blinded To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus.
When I look into Your eyes I feel the grief when I have sinned When I look into Your eyes I find delight When I have been a faithful child
Following close behind Following ever blinded To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus.
What began with an act of my will…getting up from the table, picking up my guitar and starting to sing…resulted in my heart changing where it was heading. It was a prayer choosing Jesus.
Each moment I need to choose which kingdom I will be a part of…I can live as one freed from the kingdom of darkness, but nevertheless insist on living as if I am a resident of it…or, I can live as I am, a free child of the King, in the Kingdom of light. When I choose to fix my eyes, my mind, on things above, not on earthly things, it transforms so much of my moment, my day, my life. In that moment, I find myself grateful instead of grumpy, thanking instead of thirsting, praising instead of complaining.
It is in this place that I am where I should be–humbled before Almighty God. He is where He should be in my heart–exalted. King.
I “get” that grabbing for my way in my agitation is just flat out not ok. I don’t even want to do that, in fact. The wonderful thing is, gratitude sort of begets gratitude, begets gratitude…and all of it results in my rejoicing that I have a Lord and King Who knows best. It starts with a choice…a choice to take my eyes OFF of the thing that I am making big in my mind. To fix my eyes on Jesus…
This is what the LORD says— your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel: “I am the LORD your God, who teaches you what is best for you, who directs you in the way you should go.
If only you had paid attention to my commands, your peace would have been like a river, your righteousness like the waves of the sea.
Hey there…could you do me a favor? Could you respond to the poll at the top in the right sidebar? I really appreciate it. It is important! Thanks so much!
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5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure.
6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places; surely I have a delightful inheritance.
7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.
~ Psalm 16:5-7
Gosh, there are so many other reasons I might turn to food…other than the ones I have shared about here during the past week or two. I hope to continue to talk about that…but it occurred to me that I should probably address something.
I have offered a challenge here: When you are drawn to food, to commit to waiting just five minutes before eating and to use that time to prayerfully ask some questions honestly…maybe with a journal or maybe in a quiet moment (even in the midst of a busy life with people everywhere!)…
Why am I drawn to food right now? Is my stomach empty? If not, what is this about?
I have suggested that this be something we just committo doing.
Some might wonder, “But isn’t that a rule? Isn’t it like a ‘diet rule?'”
I consider this a godly boundary for myself, instead. Sure, some might call it a “rule,” but I don’t look to it to make me righteous. My performance isn’t what it is about at all. In fact, God has declared me righteous in Christ.
But a boundary is something that keeps in good things…keeps things from going “wonky,” keeps sheep from straying for instance. 🙂
A boundary is also something that stands guard–prevents things that are not so good from coming in…like excuses to eat when I am not hungry.
So, to me, this “Promise to wait 5 minutes before eating” is a boundary that will guard my heart, my mind, my body from the world, the enemy or my own fleshly tendencies. It will protect my resolve to honor the Lord with my eating and drinking and keep me from wandering off even when my feelings don’t line up with that so-called resolve!
This promise to wait 5 minutes also keeps me in the moment. Instead of mindlessly eating, I will be present.
This is GOOD!
So, if you haven’t “bought in” yet, I challenge you, give it a try. I am going to recommit, in fact, as I have gotten lazy! Enough of that! 🙂
There are a couple more things that struck me in recent weeks when I began to more carefully scrutinize my reasons for being lured to food. I know many of these (if not all) sound ridiculous! But that is just the point. There are times when the lure to food seems so tremendously strong. This journey is about figuring out *why* that is, *what* is *really* going on, and dealing with it in a godly manner instead of by throwing food at it. When I throw food at it, I am short-circuiting what God intends to do in my life. I want to do this His way. If I do insist on short-circuiting the process he through which he wants to lead, it requires that he bring yet another “opportunity” for me to learn this. This is why journeying around in the wilderness might take 40 years instead of the 30 days that might have been all it required in the first place had I really cooperated! (Boy, I think I mixed my metaphors bunches here…)
So that said, in the moments I have designated (5 minutes’ worth) to pause before eating, when I am not physically hungry and still want food, I ask “If I don’t need food right now, then what is this about? What is the reason that I am going to food?” Or another way of thinking of it:
What need am I looking to food to meet?
In recent weeks, I found that I had a lot on the emotional line. After being on the search team for a lead pastor at my church, we had unanimously recommended a wonderful candidate. He came to our community four times. The elders then recommended him to the church membership to be voted on.
I really feel strongly that God’s hand is on this man and felt like wherever God called him, I wanted to be there! 🙂
Yet, during the week prior to the congregational vote, I realized that maybe there was a chance that people would not agree with my assessment or my enthusiasm or just for any old reason vote “NO” about calling this pastor to our church. For some reason, I felt very personally about this. I realized this only after someone I appreciate and respect told me she would not be voting yes for him. I didn’t want to, but I felt somehow like she doubted my integrity. This is silly, I realize. But my heart felt it nevertheless. The more the “grapevine” passed on to me about how “people” (nameless, faceless, anonymous people?) felt about the entire “search process,” the more unsettled I became. Somehow, my SELF was inextricably bound up in this! I didn’t realize it until I was facing food again and again (without being hungry) during the week preceding the vote.
When I asked myself the questions, this is what I discovered:
I am afraid of rejection and food will somehow make rejection easier to take.
I basically wanted to numb myself to the pain I felt…rejecting “my” candidate was, for some reason, the same as rejecting ME! Go figure! I know this has to have roots in something because this just doesn’t make any earthly sense…
I had to prayerfully pull this apart.
Lord, I don’t understand why I feel rejected right now–and fear being rejected more. People aren’t rejecting me even if they DO vote no about this pastor! Please help me to see why I feel the need to connect with this entire thing this way.
God was faithful. He showed me that there was an issue of pride bound up in even being selected for the search team in the first place. If I felt it was “my performance” that somehow resulted in my having been selected for the search team, then it is no small wonder that I felt somehow like “my performance” was on display and the evaluation of “my performance” was seen in the congregational response to the pastoral candidate that I was so excited about. God had to show me just what a lie this was!
Child, I ordained that you would be chosen to be on the search team–due to no behavior, character, or performance of yours. I will use anyone as my tool for my own purposes and for my own reasons. My ways are above your ways. Since it wasn’t anything in you that moved my heart to select you for this role, there is nothing in your performance that matters right now except that you do your best to discern my will. Trust me…
I realized that feeling rejection over this if people didn’t like “my” candidate was in some way saying that I could usurp God’s sovereign choice in who would become the pastor of our church! If this isn’t the height of arrogance, I don’t know what is!
Lord, thank you for showing this to me. Please forgive me. How many other times, do I feel “rejection” due to this misplaced pride and ego? How often do I need to trust you…how often is it “not about me,” and I make it be about me? How often does this, then, lead me to food when I am not hungry?
Obviously, even apart from all of this, eating will not make feelings of rejection go away. I have to deal with the root of why I feel the rejection instead. I have to deal with the root of why I feel loneliness, pain, heartache–whatever it may be. I have to go to the only source of healing for these things.
This is one reason why diets don’t work. They don’t deal with the cause of my going to food again and again. They deal only with my symptoms…the food! Diets tweak the food and make me feel so good about myself as I do…meanwhile, all the stuff that God wants to heal remain needing His touch.
So, I press on and in…
Lord, why do I turn to food to numb myself when I am hurting? Where did I learn this and can you help me with this so I can be free from this behavior forever? I want NOT to feel the lure of food ever again when I am in pain.
This is a lifetime journey I am on…but in the moment that I recognize what is going on, I can come up for air and choose to take captive my runaway thoughts…reject them…and choose to give this moment to the Lord. Sure, it may mean feeling the pain. Knowing how silly my feelings of rejection are over this candidate thing didn’t magically make those feelings go away, but it sure helped me a lot.
Oh, and our church ended up voting *for* the candidate. YAY! 🙂
If you are just joining us, let me bring you up to speed.
I have been working through a couple of “series” here at the blog that I hope will be helpful for those who are either starting out for the first time with trying this “non-diet” approach “to lasting weightloss,” or for those who are *re*-starting. Likewise, if you have been at this a long time, you might find something here that can help you to press on. That is my prayer anyhow!
I made a challenge for the readers here:
Whenever you are drawn to food, take 5 minutes and wait. During that 5 minutes, ask God: “Why am I drawn to food right now?”
The answer we *want* is: “Because I am physically hungry–my stomach is empty.” Any other answer means that we have the joy and delight 🙂 of using the remainder of the 5 minutes (and maybe more) to process what is going on that makes food appealing even though my body isn’t calling for it. I have been sharing here how I might process this in a journal or as I pray…I designate five minutes (at least) before I eat for connecting with the Lord and to evaluate if eating is really what I want to do when I consider all that I need to consider.
My use of 5 minutes is to try to peel away what is going on, so I ask prayerfully:
Ok, so I am not physically in need of food. What is this about, then, Lord?
I have shared possible answers here recently. Here is one more answer to this question:
I want it. I just want it. It sounds good, I want it, I can do what I want, so I will eat it!
When I stop to evaluate this, I see that it is a lie. (Well, the part about doing what I want…) It flies in the face of the truth of clearly stated scripture which says, “Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body.” (1 Corinthians 6:19, 20)
So, simply put, the “I want it, I love it, I will eat it now” is my claim that I have the right to do whatever I want.
Do I really want to go there????
Lord, I am reminded that this choice isn’t about the food. It is about what eating for the wrong reasons does to my heart. With this simple choice in this moment, I can choose to add another layer to the callus that has been growing on my heart, or I can choose to soften my heart.
What will I do about it?
I can choose to take to heart what Jesus says to the church in Ephesus in Revelation 2. In that commendation and rebuke, he tells them all about the wonderful things that he appreciates about them first, but then says:
4Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken your first love.
Ouch. That is an intense indictment. Jesus doesn’t just leave them there, though. I love that about him. Likewise, he doesn’t just say to me: “ARG! You are rebellious and hard hearted! What EVER will I do with you!?”
Instead he gives me a solution…and I can apply this solution in my 5 minutes with him:
5Remember the height from which you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first.
During my 5 minutes, I can remember the heights from which I have fallen…Lord, I remember when I was at a place when I would do anything for you. I would gladly lay down extra food for you given all you have laid down for me. Lord, you laid down your kingly glory when you came to earth in human form! You laid down your life so that I might be able to live victoriously. That used to be so real to me, so pertinent. It used to…well…matter. Lord, help me to live a life of gratitude today. As I think of all you have done for me, I revisit that “first love” experience…when I was so blown away by your love and all you did for me that I couldn’t resist loving you with my choices. I pray that I would do that today.
For me, gratitude is huge in this journey. If I am in a place of “I want it just because it tastes good and I can do what I want,” then I really do need to get back in touch with the “first love.” By remembering how I loved and adored Jesus at another time and the ways this love affected my “doing,” I have a more tangible thing to relate to…to focus on. I am called in Revelation 2, to remember, repent, and do the things I did “back when.” At the top of the list is overflow with praise and thanks for saving me, for caring about me, for giving me His Holy Spirit. As I “repent and do” this again…not only are my 5 minutes transformed, but my day is…
Lord, thank you for all you have given to me, for all you have laid down for me. I see that my grabbing food in this moment is not something I really want to do as much as I want a softened heart. I don’t want the hardening of my heart that will happen if I choose to do what my flesh says in this moment. In fact, I can say no to my flesh right now and yes to you and know that this demonstrates that I want to love you with my choices, no matter how mundane they may seem. Thank you that you look at my heart. This choice isn’t about food at all. It is about something so much more of value to you. I choose to honor you in this moment instead of to turn to food to serve my flesh.
Continuing on with the theme of continuing on…I want food, but I choose to sit–or to be still first–for 5 minutes, again, because I said I would.
Lord, I want to eat now. Am I physically in need of food? Show me.
There is something in me that I seem to be interpreting as hunger, Lord. I guess the answer is I don’t need food right now. So, what is this about? Why do I want food? I have to leave the house now and go to worship band practice. I haven’t been hungry for dinner, Lord. But I won’t be able to eat until I get home after 10:00pm…I want to eat now so I won’t be hungry that long. The thought of not eating now and being hungry for that long, well, Lord…it makes me panic a bit!
Gosh. I analyze this and come up with some facts, some observations…I leave my house to go to the church at 7:15pm and, since I am not yet hungry,I don’t eat dinner. Worst case scenario: I get hungry the minute my rear hits the car seat to drive to church and I have to wait three hours until I get home to eat. Well, really…what is the worst thing that can happen? Truthfully…NOTHING is so bad. I could just be uncomfortable for three hours! What is so bad about that?
Lord, beingHUNGRY for three hours is HORRIBLE.
Really??? Is it?
What really is so bad about being hungry?
Lord, I think I get worried about feeling hungry for any length of time because of my past. I thank you that you have set me free from the helplessness I had as a child. I am no longer in an abusive situation. Physical hunger no longer has to be associated with abuse!
As I prayerfully go over this in my heart and mind, I see that this is rather silly, in fact! I am a mom, for goodness’ sake! I know how to be uncomfortable! No big boogie is going to get me. No one is going to beat me to make me eat foods that make me gag (whether I threw up due to the fear and stress of being hit and yelled at or due to the food itself, I don’t know). I am in a new place in life!
The truth is, at worship team practice, once I get singing and praising the Lord, I won’t even think about food again until I get home.
Lord, thank you that you have shown me truth tonight. I don’t need to be worried about being hungry. I am safe in your arms.
Preventative eating…nah…I won’t go there right now. No need to do that. The lure has passed.
