Ugly…isn’t this creature ugly? Then again, I guess God created this creature and said “Good” when he did…
Well, God hasn’t created the ugly you are about to see in me… And no matter if you think this creature IS ugly, he (she?) is definitely not uglier than what you are about to read…so here it is…
I’ve become aware of how much I tend to make excuses for sinful choices…quite frequently, in fact. “I am tired.” “I am stressed.” “I am too busy…” These excuses seem to be a subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) way of justifying my sin! Usually, the truthful “excuses” are used to justify why I should let down my guard and eat what I want when I want or not care quite so much. All the while, my heart knows, God has made it clear that this choice, in this moment, is sin. Excuses, even if they are truthful (I AM tired. I AM stressed…etc…) don’t minimize the fact that sin is sin.
The reality is, I need to *always* remain vigilant against my flesh. I am trying (still, after all this time) to train my mind. There are many lies I believe and I need to replace these lies with God’s truth. I must remain vigilant to the fact that my “default” setting is actually NOT God’s plan for me. Excuses keep me from depending on the Lord. As long as I allow for and welcome these excuses, I will struggle with this stronghold. I have a choice to make. NO excuses or NO lasting victory. Which will I choose?
As I read about the pendulum illustration for the umpteenth time, it sure was brought home in a new way. It has become an ever-so-accurate a portrayal of my life. Bleah! I thought I was free of that! Yet, here I am again…
I think it started off innocently enough. I was on this road back in November 2006, experiencing victory in the moment, leaning on God, needing him. NOT making excuses, but giving my choices to the Lord fairly consistently.
Then, as I realized that I could minister to others about this issue, I began to feel an understandable sense of responsibility… This isn’t necessarily wrong. Though in my case, pride wasn’t far behind. A sense of responsibility to those we minister to can be a good thing. I should be accountable for what I put out there to share with others. If I teach it, if I proclaim it, I need to live it. In the case of this material, there should be physical evidence if I am doing that…or so it seems to me. Not perfection, no…but a willing transformation. Sometimes it is three steps forward and two back, but the direction is set and consistent.
For the past 9 months, though, I have gone from 3 steps forward and 2 back to 1 step forward and 3 back. Now, I feel like I am on this path heading the WRONG direction completely! I am heading backward at break-neck speed now. Very few steps are heading forward.
At some point, I went from a God-calling awareness of ministering to others and the responsibility that brings with it in a godly way, to a fixation on PERFORMANCE for the sake of my reputation! Now I am stuck in a place where I am all about “What will so and so think?” or “How do I *appear*?” YUCK! If I were even half so concerned about GOD’s reputation and glory because of my behavior as I am my own, I might really be able to make headway once again.
While it IS true that God doesn’t look at outward appearance, that he looks on the heart, man, nevertheless does look at outward appearance.
I do believe there is some place in the Christian life for appearance since humans will use it to evaluate the validity of my message…how DO I appear? For instance, I don’t go to another church for a Monday night service because the appearance can cause others in my own church to stumble right now. I have the freedom to do so, but with so many having left our church during a difficult transition time, I don’t want it to appear that my heart is divided–and I don’t want my heart to BE divided! Since agreeing to be on the search team for a new pastor at our church, my sense of responsibility is all the more heightened. So I willingly give up my freedom in Christ to go to that church on Monday night for teaching and worship so that others aren’t caused to stumble by my appearance to be divided in heart.
Likewise, I know that my walk through the Thin Within material–dropping the weight and then finding some again–can cause others to stumble. I think part of my motivation to CLING to the lowest weight that I was initially had to do with an honest desire not to cause others to stumble. After all, my appearance has been what has caused people to be willing to listen to the message…that of depending on the Lord and the heart transformation that he will bring, causing a physical transformation, too! My physically releasing weight, gave validity in many peoples’ eyes (understandably) to the message! So it stands to reason that just as many people would feel prone to think “Ha! That must not work, look at her now!” :-/
The number of people who say things like “I would like advice from someone who has lost all their weight and kept it off” is quite high. What it means, is that I am disqualified from having anything to offer them or to encourage them with if I have gained any weight back for any reason. Again, people aren’t nearly so concerned about the heart issues as they are the physical body and outward appearance. I see this more and more and have trouble with it myself.
I know that some of my physical appearance changing is directly related to my ongoing struggle to give God my heart. Frankly, I bow before my tastebuds often enough! My heart IS divided! I want to honor the Lord, but when I want something sweet, well… “I want it.” (I heard myself saying that to my husband this morning…eek!)
So some months back, in order to be able to minister to as many as possible, I wanted to keep the weight off…but then something shifted…the heart may have been in the right place initially (I guess that is in question!)…but then it shifted to MY reputation as I stated above. It began to shift toward serving pride.
Now it is once again a full blown obsession with how I appear…not for God’s sake, not for ministry’s sake… (though, this is a part of it, too) but, mostly, for my own sake. I am humiliated and embarrassed. With this has come a TRUCKLOAD of head junk that (in my pride) I thought I would never struggle with again. When I was thin, I didn’t have to worry about these kinds of things. Of course, maybe I am looking back at Egypt forgetting some of the heartaches I *did* have. Right now with my size bigger than I am comfortable, I have a ton of junk messing with my head. More than in a long while. It is absolutely devastating for me.
Frankly, I have felt like I want to just let some things go (for instance, my intention to be free from nutrasweet and caffeine) and get back to a size that I like…and sort out the idols later. That has been my thinking! I know this is what in recovery is called “stinking thinking,” but it seems so reasonable to me right now. I can take worrying about idols later so much better than I can take the mess my head is in right now.
So I end this blog entry where I started…sharing that there are many lies I have been believing in spite of how long I have been on this path. Right now, I believe the lie that says “Get thin again at all costs and deal with the rest of the damage later…” In my rational brain, I can know this is a lie. But my heart so wants to break free of the junk that being overweight brings with it. When I was thin…I didn’t have *that* heartache. I had others. Right now, I would rather have those than these old familiar things that I thought I had left behind forever. This really stinks…I know that in my mind everything seems way worse than it all actually is…but I need it to go away. I just want it all to go away!
Wow…when I began this blog entry, this is NOT what I had planned to share with you. This is authentic, though. Yuck. Nothing like letting the entire world in on the whole ugly picture.
Yuck…as I read and re-read this blog entry, I began to feel so hopeless! I went to the fridge and opened the cookie dough tub, took out a finger-full. Took a bite…and instantly spit it out…and gave the rest to the dog…I guess I am not totally a goner. In the past I would have actually felt like it tasted good and was soothing. Right now, it mocks me…it is repulsive to me…but my having been drawn to do that sort of blows me away. Nevertheless…there is a MARBLE in my JAR today! LOL!
I need yet more time with the Lord, quiet before him, still…clinging to him…begging him to save me from lies I believe!
I warned you! This post is UGLY!
If you can at all identify with any of this, hang in there. I am not giving up. I am going to press on…
Oops! Sorry I forgot to post an assignment for this week! If anyone is still with me, I am hoping to post about chapter 12, 13, and 14 this week. Three chapters each week seems to be one too many during these busy summer weeks! I can hardly believe it!
Of course, I will continue to keep my list AND to take time to praise the Lord for his attributes and the way he relates to me, His child. The other day when I had my “praise-fest” it made all the difference in the world for getting me out of the pit I had jumped into! So I will continue to praise. Sometimes, I need my NOW changed. Praising God changes my NOW in a radical way.
I confess to you that I haven’t made my reading and posting here the priority that I feel in my heart I should, so choose in THIS “now” moment to get back on track. I will post about chapter 12 later today, chapter 13 on Friday and 14 on Saturday.
I hope you are hanging in there with me!
I could easily beat myself up for “failure” in being a “good” online study leader. Instead, I am going to lean on the Lord, allow His grace to flow over me…and press forward NOW.
You can, too, if you find yourself in a similar spot!
Being on the worship team, I sometimes get introduced to songs I haven’t heard…in time to learn them and sing them for Sunday! HA! (That is on Thursday night!) 🙂
Yesterday, as I enjoyed sitting with my family and worshipping before the Lord while holding them tight (we are dorks, what can I say?), the worship pastor revisited one of the songs we introduced to the congregation three weeks ago.
“Fix Your Eyes.” Oh, how I needed…NEED…that.
Here are the lyrics…I hope you will hop over to your favorite mp3 (or whatever) online store and purchase this song, sung beautifully by Twila Paris. It is an OLD one…and every bit as timely now as ever:
When I look into Your eyes I see the love that died for me When I look into Your eyes I see the hope that I will be a faithful child Following close behind Following ever blinded To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus
When I look into Your eyes I feel the grief when I have sinned When I look into Your eyes I find delight When I have been a faithful child
Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus
Fix your eyes upon the prize The highest calling you will find Following close behind Following ever blinded To the things that should not move me
Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Saying to my soul fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus Fix your eyes on Jesus
——
I confess to you as I do to the Lord. I have not been walking my talk. It seems that I use everything under the sun to justify focusing on ME, MY weight, MY food, MY struggles… So, as I have been challenging anyone who reads this blog to focus on the Lord instead of your body, your clothes, your _______, I, too, have needed to fix my eyes…change my focus…OFF of me, on to the Lord.
I am going to go through that list I have been generating of characteristics of God and how he relates to me…and I am going to…RIGHT NOW…take some time to praise him and thank him for his character. Not just 5 of the things on my list…I think I need a massive praise party. So that is where I am heading now…out to my deck to worship the King of Kings.
What a great way to start the day…I hope you will join me.
What does this have to do with food, eating, and losing weight? Everything. I know it does from my experience. Try it with me and we will see…but not for the sake of weight and food related issues…I go out there to worship him because he is worthy. He alone is worthy of this much of my focus…(and more). He alone is worthy of all my thoughts and “obsession.”
I needed this chapter this morning. I have reverted back to the mentality that I can do what I want. While I haven’t been living with total abandon to SELF and my fleshly lusts and desires, I have definitely shifted…oh-so-subtly…away from this sense that my body is NOT my own! My body belongs to the Lord God. He has purchased it. He has claimed me for his use and his purposes.
How then am I to live?
I want to offer him the most healthy “residence” possible. That means no dependencies on caffeine or other things that I don’t need medically. It means being aware of what I put in my body as affecting how I feel and how I operate as a result. For me, I also know that I want to quit fussing about it and start doing it…something to get and keep my body physically fit. I don’t want to return to obsessions of my past, but this aversion I have to a routine form of activity is every bit out of God’s will as my former obsession. I am fearful that I will be obsessive. God doesn’t want me to live in fear. His perfect love casts out fear.
So, for me…for the remainder of this journey, I want to become more aware of this FACT that I have strayed from…that my body is not my own. It belongs to God.
Below is a video clip of a friend of mine sharing her thoughts on this. It is part of the Thin Within video series and I have permission to share it. This clip is just over 2 minutes long and I think her thoughts can shed some light on a new perspective. I hope you enjoy it.
Please continue to keep your list of God’s attributes and how he responds to you, His child. Take time daily to praise him for his character! I know that if I would be more diligent about this myself, there would be joy and my own “wants” would fade in significance. I need to walk my talk!
It occurred to me…I didn’t make a couple of comments that I meant to in the video about the marble jar…
I commented on the fact that, in a classroom, the children react to the sound of the marble dropping into the marble jar as if it is it’s own reward. They get all excited and sit up straight and focus all the more. They thrill that this moment was captured! We, too, can do the same!
For instance, as I say NO to my flesh, capture my thoughts and actions for the Lord in this moment when I am tempted to have an Oreo milkshake when I am not hungry…that moment of temptation when I chose to say NO to me and “Not MY will, but THINE be done” to God…well, that is followed by a WHOLE bunch of moments where I get to do a happy dance! “YAY! I did it! WE did it! I gave this moment to the LORD! I said NO to my flesh! WHOO HOO!” So, in a sense, not only is the capturing of the moment a reward like the sound of the marble in the jar to the kids, but it is followed by a bunch of moments rejoicing.
Picture that compared to one moment of indiscretion…what is my tendency following a moment of having given in to my flesh? I follow that moment with a bunch of other moments where I beat myself up…YUCK! THIS moment matters as it can influence what comes next as well as the moment I am in!
Another thought about moments…sometimes, when I am faced with a choice, I may be tempted to say, “This bite doesn’t matter. I can eat this. No, I am nut hungry any more (like at the end of a meal). But it won’t matter to have a couple more bites.”
It may not matter relative to weight loss…that much is true. But it DOES matter relative to the condition of my heart. This moment I choose to capture my heart and my thoughts and my actions to the Lord or for my flesh. And THAT is the divine investment I am making.
So we don’t want to minimize the significance of the moment in that regard either.
I hope this makes sense!
In NO way am I claiming that we EARN God’s favor. The marble jar isn’t about “winning enough marbles” to get in to heaven. NO. If that is what it appears that I am teaching here, please listen to the video again. I assume that you are in Christ. Jesus is the only way to experience God’s gift of salvation. He has paid the way for each of us. Now that we are IN Him, we want to live our lives FOR Him. This is about that progressive thing in life called “sanctification!” We want to build godly lives for him, given that he has done so much for us. We need His grace to do this in EACH moment, so if you struggle with capturing the moment for the Lord, please tell him so! He provides grace in the moment for the moment!
Minimizing the moments that we have made good choices and maximizing the moments where we have made poor ones…can you relate? If you are anything like me, you can be chugging along all day, praising God, walking closely with him…then a weak moment hits and POOF! You make a poor choice and conclude, “I blew this day! I may as well forget this stupid stuff…” Or something like that. Maybe that is only me. 🙂
So, in this video, I share something that God has used to help me to see the value of the moment. I hope it encourages you. I am sorry it is so long (about 5 minutes, I think). I will try to make sure the next one is not longer than two minutes.
Praying for you all today! Please pray for me! Being this tired, I find my defenses are down.
If I were to consider “failure” in my life, I think I would be tempted to think most quickly about my horse “misadventures.” Having dreamed of having horses all my life, at the ripe-old-age of 40, my family and I moved to the country and bought FOUR at once. The dream was that we would hit the trails together! Simple dream–or so we thought. We had been given the resources to acquire them (we have since found out that the cheapest thing about horses is the initial purchase…the rest is…well, that is fodder for another post…), so it certainly seemed like a simple thing. Four people, four horses and we would have years as a family in the Great Wide Open enjoying one another, nature and our trusty steeds.
We happened to get four horses with “special needs.” We did everything wrong that could be done wrong in buying our four. One was a young, green 4 year old with 35 year old joints. One was a rip-snorting-fire breathing behemoth when out on the trail. One was formerly abused with rearing and bolting being his first line of defense if he thought he would be eaten…which was all the time. And one was Breezy. Well, Breezy was the first we acquired and had they all been like him, we would have been fine. Nevertheless, even Breezy was possibly older than featured.
So never, never, never have we had more than two of them on the trail at once.
It would be very easy to allow this failure to define me. We get jokes all the time about “Don’t you ride them?” Well…yes…but I am the only one who can ride all of them…and I don’t go for “Roman Riding” so they aren’t all ridden at once. Breezy can be ridden by any member in our family so…well…I can go out with one other member of my family at a time. (Below is a photo of what I mean by “Roman Riding.”)
After all this time, you would think we would have progressed some. Others say “Why don’t you get rid of them and get horses that work for your family?”
The thing is, I believe God has been redeeming this situation. I see it so clearly with the horse thing. I wonder why I don’t see it with other things?
God has used my horses to teach me about shaking loose from my past and not allowing it to define me. He has shown me about rewarding the try when my son was a pre-adolescent with hormones beginning to rage. He has shown me lessons about loyalty and even taught me things through the fungus in my horses’ feet! God has taught me about how mechanical I can be in my relationship with him when he wants my *heart* just like I want the heart of my horses–not just their feet to go a certain direction.
I can go out to their pasture (they live here) and sit with them, smell them, talk with them, brush them…all kinds of joy is there…joy that I dreamed of all my life. And, of course, riding them is amazing. I have seen places that I wouldn’t have been likely to see. And while my dream of having our family do these things together hasn’t yet been realized, I still don’t feel prone to call myself a “failure” because of this (although, I do have days when I am closer to it than others). God has obviously taken all these things and used them for a greater good to form and shape my character and I think the character of my family members, too. Yes, I still hope that one day my kids, hubby and I will experience fun together astride our own four horses (though it isn’t likely it will be THESE four horses), but I am not sure I would trade what we have experienced in our “failure” for a superficial “success” riding on the trails together each weekend.
Something deeper has been at work. Something eternal.
2 Corinthians 4: 17-18, which I have probably quoted recently says:
For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
In our “failures,” God is at work doing that which we may not even really even begin to fathom. He has shown me this with my horses. (And in other ways, too…)
So does it make sense to take on the identity of “Failure” when I struggle along with things? When I start my day with great intentions, commit to 0 to 5 eating, and by the end of the day discover I have “botched” it up…even so, I am not a failure! I am a saint, called by God, who sometimes fails. There is a HUGE difference as chapter 10 in Thin Within so clearly says.
If we see our “failures” through God’s lens, we are much less likely to excuse our behavior or beat ourselves up over them. Through His eyes, perceived failures become opportunities. He sees our need and, in His grace, responds by coming alongside us to meet that need. Thin Within, page 95
Today, if you catch yourself in the midst of a “failure,” rather than allow it to define you, ask God how HE sees you. He has declared you perfectly acceptable in Christ. If you belong to Him, he has attributed all of Christ’s righteousness to you. He sees you as holy and beloved. Eating too much ice cream or hopping on the scale obsessively doesn’t change that at all.
Our performance is never the basis of His love for us. Thin Within, page 99
Do you believe that he accepts you 100% just as you are right now? Surely, if what Romans 5:8 says–that even while we were yet sinners–God chose to demonstrate his love for us by having Jesus die for us, we can KNOW that right now, even mid-way through the bag of Oreo cookies, he loves us as well. We can capture THIS moment for the Lord. Stop what we are doing. And rest in his embrace right now. EVEN now. He stands with his arms open wide, not condemning us in our current behavior, but calling us to reach out to him to fill our hearts full with his presence. He doesn’t define us by our performance. Christ’s performance on the cross is how God defines us now. Attributing even Christ’s righteousness to us. Let’s BELIEVE GOD!
If you have been joining us for our study of the Thin Within book by Arthur and Judy Halliday, this week’s tentative assignment is to read through Days (chapters) 10, 11, and 12.
At this point (or on day 11), there is a slight shift. There are three phases of Thin Within. If you want to know more about that, you can view (or really listen to) the video below…I made it some time ago and it is LONG…and the video quality is HORRIBLE!
During the first 10 chapters or days of the Thin Within material, the “first phase” is sort of what is the framework of the material. In days or chapters 11-20, “phase two” takes us out of just enjoying our new-found freedom to eat whatever we want between godly parameters into using godly discernment. You will see what I mean as we continue on. Freedom is wonderful and we don’t leave that behind, but we begin to see that freedom brings with it a wonderful privilege of responsibility. If we want to feel our best so that we can operate the way God intends in this life, we want to begin to pay attention to, and heed, other signals that our bodies give us regarding foods and beverages. Again, there are no “diet rules,” as that would be counterproductive. Instead, we are now free NOT to have to eat something sweet each time we are hungry (for instance). We begin to develop a sense that there is more to this than “Yippee! No more diet foods!”
This isn’t just about the physical either. Please don’t think we change the focus now on to our bodies. We will need the Lord’s guidance more than ever.
In days or chapters 21-30, “phase three” is established.
Let me get this out there though…just because the book may teach “phases,” doesn’t mean we all live in phases nicely and neatly, going from phase 1, to phase 2 in 10 days (or 4 weeks) and onward into the “mastery” phase. Nothing could be further from the truth!
In my long term experience with this material :-), I have found that I go in and out of these phases…and, truthfully, “mastery” (phase three) is something I may experience for only minutes at a time so far. I know that dwelling there is yet ahead for me.
So, that said, please just enjoy knowing that there is much yet ahead!
In chapter 10 you will be encouraged that when you fail, it doesn’t mean you *are* a failure. What we DO doesn’t define who we are. God is the only one who that theory applies to. He calls himself “I AM” in scripture because what he does is a perfect reflection of his character! I love chapter 10 and find it tremendously encouraging! I hope you do, too.
Chapter 11 and 12 will continue to lay vital foundation for us in this journey.
Please continue to add to your list about God’s attributes and the way he interacts with you, His child. Take time to praise and thank God for 5 of these each day (or more if you want!).
I think my struggles lately have been accentuated because I haven’t been taking the time to do this. Truly, I have found when I make praise and gratitude a way of life, it changes everything for me. I have to start practicing what I am preaching!
Vacation Bible School is happening this week at my school and my kids and I are working at it (my kids are teenagers). I have NO idea if I will actually get through all three chapters or not this week, but that is my goal!
Ugly…isn’t this creature ugly? Then again, I guess God created this creature and said “Good” when he did…
