Actually, this photograph was taken at Castillo de San Marcos, the oldest fort in North America (which we visited yesterday). These are the beds that the soliders slept on. Ooh…I have NOTHING to complain about sleeping on the beds provided at our condo! LOL! Nevertheless, it is astonishing to me how much I feel thrown off by some things. The bed I am sleeping on here in Ormond Beach, Florida is certainly not the comfy one I enjoy at home, but this is the least of the ways in which the world is different for me here.
On this side of the country, the sun rises over the ocean. It is very confusing for this West Coast gal. And as we drove south on the coastal highway yesterday afternoon, the ocean was on my left, but the sun was lowering on the right. This just seemed…well, wrong!
Not only that, but, yesterday evening, when we went down to the beach to collect shells, the fog rolled in quickly. Rather than being frozen from an instant drop in temperature as I would be in northern California (fog = cold), I was amazed at how warm this fog was!
Pizza Hut restaurants still exist here (they are almost “extinct” in California) and the prices are relatively CHEAP! WOW!
This really does feel like another world to me here. Nothing is the same as it is at home.
Except for one thing…one thing is very familiar to me and even that one thing had been gone for so long even back at home.
On this vacation, as with any vacation, the cameras are out and always going. It has been a few years since I have felt the presence of the monkey that is on my back now. Even so, I don’t think I wouldn’t have recognized its presence had it not been for a comment made by one of my family members (who didn’t mean any harm, but whose comment struck me very deeply and profoundly). During a “photo op” I was strategically trying to negotiate where I would stand and one of my family members said, “We are back to hiding again?” regarding my intention. OUCH. That stung! But what bothered me most wasn’t the comment, but was, instead, the truth of it. You see, hiding means that shame has re-entered the picture and although that doesn’t surprise me entirely, I noticed almost a desperation…to hide at all costs. My reaction to the comment spoke volumes, too. That I felt like I had been caught with my “pants down” if you will.
I believe with all my heart that shame is not of God. Shame is a general feeling that I am unlovable, unworthy, not esteemed…it typically comes with despair, a desire to “hide” and this is just for starters. I believe that shame breeds more sin and can cause a horrible sin-shame-sin-shame cycle that is, in fact, at the root of addictions. The way to break this cycle is to step into the light very intentionally. It is to declare the truth and know that the truth sets one free. So often, however, we flee the light instead…and the Enemy of our souls laughs with glee!
Conviction, on the other hand, is specific and is from the Lord. There is a sense that I can take care of business by confessing the specific sin about which I am convicted and a confidence that God has provided a means for my forgiveness and esteems me as precious to him. There is hope. There is no need to hide.
My family member said something that God used to sound a wake up call. Although posting here at the blog honestly about my struggles was done in obedience to the Lord and an attempt to refuse to be bound by the darkness of shame, somehow I had allowed the mentality “I must hide”–a mentality I lived with for far too long–to be re-established.
4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.
5 Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame.
Psalm 34:4-6
Now that I am aware of this, I will be pro-active. I will stand confident of my Lord, His love for me, His justification of me and the fact that He who knew no sin became sin for us so that in Him I might become the righteousness of God (2 Corinthians 5:21).
How about you? Are you allowing shame to define you? Are you willing to step out of the darkness of shame and allow the truth to set you free? Look up the following verses and prayerfully journal about each regarding the place shame should have in the lives of believers now:
Psalm 25:2-4, 20-21 Isaiah 45:17 Isaiah 54:4-8 Joel 2:25-27
Lord, help us not to remain in the place of shame and darkness where sin breeds yet more sin. Instead, help us to step into the light, confident of your forgiveness and your healing. Help us not to revert to old familiar behaviors, but, instead to live in the freedom you have purchased for us. You came to free us from sin and to give us life abundant. Help us to live our inheritance today. In the precious Name of Jesus, Amen.
All the days of the oppressed are wretched, but the cheerful heart has a continual feast.
– Proverbs 15:15
The family and I are heading to the airport in minutes.
I choose joy today. As I choose joy, I experience the blessings of feasting without any cost to my self-esteem, my spiritual sensitivity, my stomach! Praising God, giving gratitude, being positive with my family–no matter what trials we may face on our trip–even being friendly with the grumpy workers at the airport, all of these fill my soul like a continual feast fills my stomach and keeps me full. This kind of fullness, though, is the kind that truly satisfies! No stomach aches at all!
I choose joy! I choose God’s continual feast for my soul!
How about you? 🙂 What will you focus on today? What will you “magnify” or make big? Will you join me in choosing to have a cheerful heart? 🙂
In ThePrincess and the Pea, Hans Christian Andersen tells the story of a prince who wanted to marry a true princess. The test of whether a maiden was actually a princess and not just masquerading as royalty was how she slept upon a stack of twenty mattresses and twenty eider-down beds. If she slept well, then the counterfeit was exposed. If she slept poorly or not at all, the prince found his true princess, his bride. Because “Nobody but a real princess could be as sensitive as that…”
I am that princess. Ok…maybe not quite. But, for starters, I “sleep” (if you can call it that) on a Sleep Number® bed set to a very low setting. A Memory Foam® pad is the next layer. On top of that I have…you guessed it…an eider-down bed (or something close to it). I then have three feather pillows cradling my precious princess head–each preferred for the specific “fluff level” (including “little pillow” which is for nestling around both sides of my head and face as I lay on my back). Add to this, three down comforters over the top of me and there you have it…my bedding.Whatcha think? 🙂
Tomorrow morning, while the world is still sleeping (as all should be), my family and I will be heading to the airport, to board an airplane for the other end of this glorious country of ours. We are going to Florida.
Now I have traveled with all my bedding before. In fact, this will be the first time in a long while that I have gone anywhere and not taken much of my bedding with me. Even still, I will cheat…I have plans to smuggle two of my three pillows and an inflatable air mattress on board to pull out in a pinch should I not be able to sleep.
When I consider what a light sleeper I am even with all my “special bedding” and the fact that no one can take care of my four horses, two dogs and chinchilla as well as *I* can, it is no small wonder that I rarely leave the homestead. I am a definite home body. I need my special bed and I need my special pets–or they need me. (I like to think they do….) 🙂
In the rare instance I go anywhere, I have a tendency to pack enough for an extended overseas voyage…Now that airlines are beginning to limit how many pieces of luggage passengers can check, I can’t really justify the extra suitcase with all the down comforters and such in it. :-/ Nuts.
When traveling someplace within driving distance, I have even been known to take my box fan–one of those big ones. I sleep with it running all night for “white noise.” (Am I not the premier princess of the century? LOL!) I can’t really go to Florida with my family tomorrow carting a fan with me…
All this to say, I have promised myself (and my husband) that I will try my best to streamline my packing this time (all except for the pillows and the air mattress! LOL!). Going to Florida (including DisneyWorld) for 11 days will challenge me…But I know I can rise to the challenge (er…I think). I find myself sifting…and being rather firm…”How much do I need this?” (“A LOT” is usually the answer…I have to be ruthless and ignore my own pleas…) “NO! It stays home!”
In the past, I have taken favorite foods, favorite beverages, and all kinds of things…I was “afraid” of being uncomfortable, hungry, thirsty, of being “put out” in any way. I see now just how spoiled I have acted all these years!
God has been showing me that he wants me to learn how to trust him. To pack less “baggage”–as that is what it really amounts to being. Will I lean on Him? Or will I lean on what is familiar and drag it all with me? You know, carting it all with me really IS inconvenient…not just for me, but it can also be a bother to my family–as they have to step in to help me when I am rushing to get all my junk off a conveyor belt and am being buried beneath the stack I create! Can you see where this is going? The very thing that God wants of me relative to my packing for this trip to the east coast is the same as that which He desires in my spiritual and emotional life. I have a preference. It is to pack all my experiences with me…good and bad…and cart them around and let them define my current and future experiences. For instance, I had two years of “success” relative to my eating and releasing weight and keeping it off. It is so easy to pack that up and cart it with me now as the Lord leads me on down this road. He is showing me that this is weighing me down, too. If I carry that with me, I will keep comparing myself now to what I was like then.
He wants to do a NEW thing now and as long as I keep comparing myself NOW to what I USED to be, it is yet another voice of condemnation that keeps me from moving forward unfettered.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders
and the sin that so easily entangles,
and let us run with perseverance
the race marked out for us.
-Hebrews 12:1 (Emphasis added).
God is calling me to throw off everything that hinders. Even if it is stuff that was great in the past. He wants me to set it aside and be free from carting it with me. It hinders me just as my bedding baggage can weigh me down. Those experiences of my past–like my bedding–seem to be “good” things…but nevertheless, they hinder me from experiencing what God has for me now.
Am I open to the adventure that is ahead? What if I actually let go of the “But I used to be….” or the “I did such and such” and so on…and instead look to the Lord in this moment NOW and what he wants to be and do NOW in my life and show me how to be and do NOW that to which he calls?
What if I DO lose some sleep because I don’t have all my special bedding with me? Is there, perhaps, some possibility that God might meet me in that place of need and fellowship with him might be sweeter than, even, a good night’s sleep?
If I want to experience the new thing that God has for me, I must release my hold on what came before. He can’t pour into arms which are already full.
Off I go…there is packing to be done. The lady that is coming to stay with all the pets will have an incredibly soft, comfortable bed to sleep in this week! 🙂
1 My heart is not proud, O LORD, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.
2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.
3 O Israel, put your hope in the LORD both now and forevermore.
When I was a new mom, the nursing “thing” was quite a hurdle for me at first. To start with, I was never a terribly maternal sort of person. Then, some difficulties during delivery caused Daniel to have some nerve damage to his mouth, making nursing that much more challenging.
In spite of these things, however, within the first three weeks, we got things “figured out” and Daniel became “The Nursing Boy.” Before too long, if anyone held him just so, he got pretty agitated. He pumped his leg, shook his head back and forth, looked for something to latch on to and hollered if it didn’t happen like he expected!
It didn’t matter if it was Grandpa, Daddy, or Mom. He knew that when he was in that position, it meant it was time to nurse. His leg would get going and hoooh wee! Would he ever pitch a fit if he had it wrong and the opportunity to nurse wasn’t forthcoming! In fact, folks learned not to hold him in “that” position. If they did, he would make them pay for not providing the goods!
I have been like an agitated nursing child lately. Instead of pumping my leg, though, I have been pumping my fist, it seems. Irritated, frustrated and really … well, NOT fun to be with! Not in the place where the Lord wants me to be. It has been coming to a head for a while now. Yesterday’s blog entry was a product of the “Waterloo” God and I had during my quiet time.
When I awakened yesterday with the realization that I was out of control, I got even MORE worked up. My admission generated agitation rather than peace at first. The wheels in my mind started turning in hyperdrive mode!
What steps would I go through to get things under control? Should I get a new bathroom scale? “This never would have happened if I had the scale to hop on and off,” I reasoned. I realized that I had resorted to one of my other coping mechanisms along the way, hoping for *it* to “save” me, too…that of drinking caffeine again. So I know better than to give in to this one, too.
Like the loving parent that He is, God brought me to Psalm 131.
My heart has been proud. My eyes have been haughty. I have been overly confident. It simply won’t work to continue this same approach now. In fact, I will not concern myself with things too wonderful for me. I “give in.” I choose to let God have HIS way. As I settle here in my weakness, I am prepared more than ever before for His strength to be manifest. He certainly has a lot to work with when I lay my weapons and “tools” down and wait on Him. So that is where I am.
The picture in verse 2 of a weaned child being quiet and still reminds me of Daniel after he had stopped nursing. When he learned to walk (somewhat later than his peers), he had too much to do to keep laying around nursing…so at 13 months of age, he was off and running.
After that time, I could hold him any way I wanted to and he didn’t associate it with nursing. His leg was still, he didn’t fuss or shake his head back and forth. Instead, he was quiet and enjoyed nestling in as I or another loving family member held him close against their chest. It really was quite the contrast.
THIS is how I am to be. Today, I choose to be a weaned child…a child who doesn’t get all hyped up about the promise of a meal or the methods I “need” to get my “act” together. I am quiet and still. Allowing my Abba Father to cuddle me close and to be ALL I need.
Like a weaned child is my soul within me.
Even a weaned child needs his Momma. Even a weaned child is still dependent on the parent, but he can also be less agitated. He can wait. He can be still. My hope isn’t in me and how well I can pull things together any more. It isn’t in whether or not I can keep up appearances. In fact, yesterday, I went out and bought some new pants. I want to look as good as I can right now and not allow myself to wallow in any self pity. Clothes that fit right and that don’t act as a club of condemnation (when I try to pour myself into them) are an important part of that. I am ok with this. I know that God is yet doing a new thing.
Please bear with me…this is a long journal entry, but it is significant. It is a “coming clean” and I don’t want anyone who visits this blog to miss it… ===========
On Monday we were slammed with a beautiful but surprising coating of 12 inches of snow. Given that this rarely happens, our community was unprepared. My four-wheel drive Yukon was down in the valley having some body work that was taking longer than estimated. The one time I “needed” my truck, it was tied up in a repair shop in the lowlands!
As long as the snow plow didn’t come, we couldn’t leave our home without 4WD. The plow that supposedly was going to clear ALL the roads in our community forgot our little street, even after numerous calls by our family. Only two homes rest at the bottom of our steep hill. For all intents and purposes, the snow that might have been passable with 4WD when it first fell, morphed, and coated our street with a sheet of ice, carefully (it seemed) protecting the asphalt and any hope for traction that lay beneath!
On day three, after a friend with a jeep arrived and determined that attempting to pull us out would be too risky (he slipped coming down our road), my husband put chains on his car to get up the hill. Even so, we slipped a lot. Finally, at the top, we unchained hubby’s car just as snow plow came. I wondered if the condition of the street would be suitable for me to return with my Yukon after dark when the temperatures again froze any melting snow.
After getting my Yukon from the body shop (I have never loved my vehicle so much) and running much-needed errands, I drove the 40 minutes back from clear and dry “civilization” to our snow-shrouded community. Now, at the top of the hill in the dark, my lights shone over the top of our little street. I wasn’t sure if it was black ice I saw or asphalt, but it appeared that things looked passable. I deliberately began the steep descent down the hill. (The picture to the right is this same stretch this morning.)
All seeemed to be going well as I inched carefully, trying to remember what my friend had said, “Feather your brakes–don’t hold them tight–or you will slide…” To say I was intimidated would be a gross understatement. I was definitely daunted. My husband had already decided to park his car at the top of the hill behind me and hike down to our house. That way, he would be sure to be able to get out in the morning.
As I proceeded past my nearest neighbor’s house and around a slight turn, I noticed that everything changed. (The picture to the left was taken this morning of the same stretch.) The road went from the dark color of pavement in my headlights to the white-gray shininess…of ICE! Surely, the entire length of the steepest part of the road couldn’t have been left like this by the snow plow! Peering around the turn ahead, I tried to predict if I was going to be able to continue safely all the way to the bottom.
Stopping, I prayerfully evaluated if I should continue. If I continued and slid, I could end up off the road, colliding with the propane tank that is our home’s source of heat! Nothing like an explosion to ruin your day (what can I say…I have an imagination!).
I decided that SURELY, after making us wait for THREE days to get plowed, the driver of the plow wouldn’t have left the road with a sheet of ice yet on the roadway. So I continued down…
Inching carefully, I suddenly felt my wheels lock up! I began to slide and kept sliding! Gripping the steering wheel so tight that I thought my fingers would break, I remembered, in spite of what felt counter-intuitive during a free-fall slide, to tap on the brakes instead of hold them fast…and to steer! I began to careen down and around the hill. How I ended up not going off the road or into a tree is beyond me!
I stopped at the bottom and thanked God that he had kept me from hitting anything or getting stuck off the road…I took some deep breaths before carefully maneuvering my Yukon into the driveway.
I was so confident that four wheel drive would enable me to cope with this hill. How wrong I was. My confidence had been misplaced and the results could have been disastrous.
I have had this same sort of misplaced confidence in myself and in “all my years of experience” with “Thin Within.” I have eaten 0 to 5 and lost 100 pounds that way. I kept it all off for a year, too. That creates a lot of confidence…a lot of pride. During the last year and a half, I have minimized the significance of choices I have made, one after another. As I have felt my body change in response to this…getting bigger again…I have maintained that this is just a slight slide. It is like the top of the hill last night. It appears to be passable…and, besides, I have the tools it takes to stop any downhill out-of-control slide…
This morning, upon awaking, I had the same realization that I had mid-way down the second part of that hill last night…I am out of control.
As with all parallels and analogies, this one breaks down at this point. The truth is, when it comes to my own downward slide emotionally, spiritually, and physically…the one that I find myself in the midst of right now…I don’t have any tools to blame. I haven’t used the tools that I know God wants me to use. I have justified that the slide won’t be so bad. I have claimed that I could stop at any time. Like my misplaced confidence in the 4WD of my Yukon last night, I have had confidence in myself, assuming that I could stop the slide at any time. The fact is, my brakes seem locked and my life is sliding downward…and fast.
“Return, faithless people; I will cure you of backsliding.” “Yes, we will come to you, for you are the LORD our God. – Jeremiah 3:22
For weeks now…no, for MONTHS…I have been trying to prop myself up by believing any setback is temporary that I was always one choice away from turning things around. I have seen some amazing changes that God is making in my heart, but now it is time to do yet another truth inventory and evaluate what truly IS the condition of my heart…right NOW, today.
While the size of my body isn’t the point, it IS telling. I should probably live comfortably in size 14 jeans. At my thinnest, I was in 12s. Now I am pushing out if size 16s. I have no idea what weight I am. I still believe that getting rid of the scale was important for me–that God wants to see me through this backslide without my dependence and worship of the scale over his voice.
What is worse, is I can tell shame has begun to return. Snapping at others, allowing a wall to be built between the Lord and me…these are signs that sin and shame have begun to take their toll on me. Maybe it is just cyclical. In a week or so, I will be ok and not bothered so much. (I don’t think so!) But I am so disappointed in myself right now. I haven’t felt this way in years! Here is the thing…I am so much more disappointed that I am bigger than I am that I have been sinning. I want to hate sin that causes me to eat for pure lust and greed. My heart isn’t quite so God-loving as I have claimed. I must come clean about this.
I haven’t stopped the downward slide at all. In fact, the downward slide has intensified, amplified, and accelerated. Because I didn’t deal with it “at the top of the hill,” it has now taken on a life of its own. I don’t like where it is taking me, either.
In the days, weeks, months ahead, I will be writing here at the blog about this leg of my journey. I have slidden down a hill…a LONG ways…and I am still sliding. I hope to stop the thing…Actually, no, that isn’t right. Jeremiah 3:22 says that as I return to HIM, HE will cure me of backsliding. I say, “Yes, Lord…I come for YOU are the Lord MY God…”
I have taken my merry time, working my way through the HEAL book by Allie Smith and Judy Halliday. Even so, it feels like it has gone by much too fast! Nevertheless, this blog entry brings the study of this book to a close.
Like our previous Living Room Sessions, I hope you will snuggle up in your favorite chair with your favorite beverage–even better if you are at a 0! 🙂 I must admit that I am learning to drink my favorite cappucino drink (white chocolate caramel) at a 0, instead of “whenever I want.” God is showing me a lot through this exercise! (Like that once I am hungry, I really would prefer to EAT my meal, instead of to drink it! LOL!)
Anyhow, please get your bible and/or your journal and an open heart.
For the past 2 days, we have been snowed in here in Cool, California. This is quite unusual for us. I have had much too much time on my hands. This means plenty of time to get into trouble, or time to focus on the Lord. I have a choice in EACH moment. I can be a victim of the moment…allow my runaway thoughts to take ME captive, or I can grab each moment and take captive my potentially runaway thoughts. Thoughts of “poor me” or “I deserve _____ because of _______.”
I was created for more than pity parties!
How about you? Can you relate?
As we close this leg of our journey, let me encourage you to open your bible to Psalm 139 one more time. I would encourage you to use this time to focus on these verses and to pray them (again) to the Lord. You can do this by writing in your journal, if you like–it helps me to focus…or by singing the words–that always helps me to experience worship even more fully! Whatever is an authentic expression of your heart.
Then, prayerfully ask the Lord to show you the answer to this question:
NOW what?
I want to make a suggestion. Right now, at the Thin Within forums, signups are being taken for two new classes to begin right after the New Year! The information is here and you will need to sign up for a user account in order to ask Debbie questions about the classes. Even if you don’t want to be in online classes, you can join in on the discussions at the forums and get and give support on this journey!
Please press on!
Lord, thank you for the time we have had studying this book, HEAL. I pray that you might help us to continue in our commitments to grow and to change, to allow you to work in and through us to reach the godly goals that *you* have led us to establish. Help us to turn to you in our doubt and struggle instead of our perfectionistic tendencies. Free us from our incessant need to “get it all together,” and help us to, instead, offer ourselves–AS IS–to you each and every moment. In the Name of Jesus we ask, Amen.
These are the beds that greeted us upon arriving here in Ormand Beach, Florida. Greeted Me, the princess from The Princess and the Pea! Just kidding!
