If you believe what you read or see, then all there is to grabbing a hold of joy or happiness is some chicken nuggets or Sara Lee cookies or cakes!
I have finally figured out that my joy and happiness are NOT somehow connected to a frozen cake, or a package of “donnettes” or…a HAPPY MEAL!
The way to shangri-la is NOT the drive through!
But I wonder if I don’t subtly still buy this message:
“Ice Cream – An Excellent Source of Happiness”
“The Joy of Eating: Cheese Enchiladas!”
Can you identify?
This totally relates to where I have been with processing the material in the Get Thin Stay Thin book. Instead of rushing earnestly to a diet coke (“But I LOVE my bubbles!”) or to whatever tasty treat would satisfy my “sweet tooth,” I see more than ever that God wants me in those moments to “Be Still and Know that I AM God…”
It is hard to do this. I mean, I can joke about how ridiculous it is for me to look to food for happiness, but honestly…I still do it. That is all there is to it. There is a big work yet ahead.
I don’t want to keep trying things and not get it PERFECT! (Duh…I don’t seem to have gotten past this!)
The more I interact with people, the easier it is to feel things I don’t want to feel, too. It isn’t so much that people do anything wrong…not at all…but there are triggers I have…that I thought were gone…or going…and people seem to flip those triggers due to no fault of their own. I much prefer to just sorta float along and not see just how far I am from really *applying* the truths God has been teaching me.
If I don’t interact with people, then it is easy to soothe myself with this reassurance that I am growing and changing.
This morning, when I got up to meet with God, all I wanted to do was cry. A question from my accountability partner in email yesterday flashed through my mind…What is this about? I directed the question to God. He very gently reminded me that THIS is what He wants from me. For me to sit before him and FEEL. Rather than stuffing down my feelings with busy-ness or food or whatever else…he wants me to go ahead and cry, but cry to HIM. I still struggle with this. No…”struggle” is the wrong word…I hate it. I want to make it go away!
I wonder if I will ever really live the words in Get Thin Stay Thin:
Obedience and godly choices are going to come not by our effort or our will power, but rather by trusting God’s perfect design for our lives and allowing the Holy Spirit to work within us. As we make choices in agreement with God’s will, our awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness of and trust in the love of God grows, and that increased awareness and trust inspires us to choose increasingly in accordance with the Spirit of Christ within us. GTST, p. 172
Trusting in God’s perfect design definitely means waiting on him. Sitting with how I am feeling, enduring the pain of it…letting it wash over me if need be…and waiting for Him to show up and be enough. YUCK! I would rather have an Oreo milkshake. (Doesn’t this sound ridiculous?) I know that I would really rather have the work done in me that he intends to do…but it seems to hurt just so much. How can that be?
And what if he doesn’t show up, but allows me to sit in my need for a looong while? What will that do to my faith? Can I “afford” that? Will I believe him that this, too, is his perfect design? Will I trust him?
Surrender implies that we set our mind on the Spirit, being prepared to wait patiently for him to speak to us. It implies that when we become aware of our silent hunger, we let go of the demand that it be instantly gratified with food. GTST, p. 173
Have you ever been in traffic … (who hasn’t?) and couldn’t see what was holding you up? All you knew was that everything was at a sudden standstill. You didn’t know if there was an accident or road construction or a dog in the road…or what. You wondered if you would be stuck for an hour or 3 minutes.
Sometimes when things are slowed down like this, motorists, eager to see what is going on, get out of their cars to walk to the shoulder to see if they can see around the line of traffic…to see how far traffic is backed up, if there are emergency vehicles or what…
Sometimes, you can see or hear helicopters circling overhead. These vehicles are often associated with news traffic reports. They have a different perspective. Where we on the ground see only what is in front of us…limited vision at best…the pilot of the helicopter has a totally different–more effective–vantage point. He sees things more accurately. That is why what they see is often broadcast to us through our radio stations. It helps us to know what to avoid or where to head next or how soon we can expect traffic to begin rolling again.
There is a need for me to realize that sometimes my perspective skews things. What I think is TRUTH may not actually BE truth. One way this affects me is with regard to how I view “obedience” or cooperating with God in the standards to which he calls. He wants me to glorify him in my eating and drinking.
So the Hallidays make a valid point:
Obedient responsibility for our bodies and choosing to eat only when we are hungry and stopping before we’re full can be perceived either as an objectionable obligation or as an inviting opportunity. GTST, p. 171
It is a matter of perspective. How do I see things? Do I see the big picture? Like the helicopter pilot above the traffic jam? Or do I see it as an irritation that is going to ruin my hour, my day, my week!?
The way this is stated, it really makes it clear. I can be a baby having a tantrum or delight in being invited into fellowship with God where he cares even about what seems so mundane in my life!
Love for God shifts our attitude from the objectionable, “I have to avoid it at all costs,” to loving response, “It’s a choice I want to make,” in obedience to him. Since all of this originated from the love of God, our new attitude arises from our deep assurance of God’s good will toward us. We come ultimately to the sure knowledge that pursuing godly choices will result in a depth of joy and satisfaction that makes every other pleasure and gratification seem trivial. GTST, p. 171-172
A shift in my perspective will enable me to recognize the hunger in my soul, the agitation, the tendency toward rebellion welling up in me and trust that God wants it surfaced and that HE will meet it, HIS way, in HIS time. I don’t need to shove it down and pretend it isn’t there. Recognize it. Give voice to it (this is showing respect), and present it to God – “Lord, what will you do with this?”
The basis for our choices then becomes not what will gratify my desire immediately, but what will satisfy my hunger for God and His righteousness. With this silent hunger at the core of our being, we develop a profound desire to respond in obedience to God by honoring our bodies. GTST, p. 172
This change in perspective will change everything…everything. I delight in the invitation to walk with God and to hear him whisper to me about what I eat or drink. I won’t resent his intrusion or minimize his presence. I will thank him that he wants me to be aware of him. So high and lifted up, yet intimate in the moment with me…right now…with you right now. He is here, he touches you, he delights over you with singing right now. He invites each of us to dine with HIM.
Let’s shift our perspective, shall we? Rather than resent the intrusion, let’s confidently know that he has a greater plan in his sights. It is a GOOD plan. It will bring TRUE joy and TRUE satisfaction to our hearts!
…let us throw off everything that hinders… Hebrews 12:1b
The video below may be very hard to watch. Supposedly no horses or people were permanently physically hurt or killed in this video (there is no bloodshed).
The video is of a pleasure driving class. Fancy clothes, fancy horses, fancy “buggies,” and a wreck. A BIG wreck…
Horses are prey animals. They are hard wired to think things are chasing them to eat them. The fact that they ever pull something behind them safely is an amazing thing. But, given one scary moment, what often happens is the switch is flipped in their mind and instinct to survive takes over. They aren’t just afraid they will be *hurt*, but are convinced they will be gutted and killed by whatever it is that is behind them (one reason I don’t think I will ever ride in something pulled by a horse).
What I see in this video is precisely what I have been doing in my life…Blinders on, racing through life, afraid of what seems to be chasing me. I don’t seem to realize that I carry it with me. I have wrecks constantly, taking out innocent bystanders along the way. Just what damage do I do…?
The safest thing is, of course, to stop the forward momentum–to be still. To allow my “Handler” to remove the cart, the baggage…and to free me from what ails me. He will remove the blinders, too. He will enable me to catch my breath, to see clearly…what I was running from like an out-of-control locomotive is something I bring with me. I have to let Him show me this or I will keep doing it…without meaning to.
I can blame others all I like, but the truth is…I bring it all with me. I must let it go.
This is what God has been doing in my life over the past couple of months…showing me that I have been bringing very “quiet” baggage into my life. I didn’t even know it was there, attached, stuck to me. Suddenly, when I DO realize something is there, I react! I want to run! I MUST escape!!!
It has affected how I have responded to circumstances (like doctor appointments or conflicts at church). I have been *reacting*…or what Get Thin Stay Thin calls responding “reflexively.” A knee-jerk sort of thing. In fact, with conflicts and struggles at my church, it has even caused me to want to escape…to run for all I am worth–JUST like the horses in this video. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” Truly, safety is in the center of the ring with my Handler helping me to see that, when I am with him, all is well…the cart that is attached can be removed, the blinders removed…the baggage unpacked. I can be unencumbered. I can see Truth. I can breathe.
“Size matters not” as one famous Jedi once correctly said….There may not be much godly wisdom that comes from the 3 foot tall (or is he shorter than that?) sage of Star Wars infamy, but he is definitely right about this. I think to a large degree, this is God’s own wisdom!
Can I just GET IT THROUGH MY HEAD? 🙂
If life is about my body and my size and weight, then I have failed big time since October 2008.
Oh yes, indeed! In fact, what better description of “failure” can there be in this world than to finally, after years of struggling with losing weight, gaining it, losing weight, gaining it, writing about it all and the deeper work God wants to do, losing weight, gaining it some more, writing about it some more, then finally losing it…and keeping it off (!!!), “arriving” and “camping there,” earnestly striving to encourage others….only to gain weight back!?!?!?
The enemy has had a hey day with me over this…and, as you know if you have followed this blog at all, “FAILURE” has been a label I have tried to dodge–on some days better than others. Some days I have just let the label roll over me like a Mack truck.
..but the truth of the matter is, God has allowed this to happen in my life so that I could catch sight of much greater truths no matter what size I am! Size 12 or size 14…it makes no matter. SIZE MATTERS NOT!
The reality is…this doesn’t have to BE the “failure” I have made it out to be. In fact, I think God has something to say about this:
33 He turned rivers into a desert, flowing springs into thirsty ground,
34 and fruitful land into a salt waste, because of the wickedness of those who lived there.
35 He turned the desert into pools of water and the parched ground into flowing springs;
36 there he brought the hungry to live, and they founded a city where they could settle.
– Psalm 107:33-36
Has your fruitful land become a salt waste? Maybe God is trying to get your attention to teach you a tremendously important lesson: that success or failure is not the basis of your self-worth. Maybe the only way you can learn this lesson is by experiencing the pain of failure. In His great love, God leads us through experiences that are difficult but essential to our growth and development. The Search for Significance, pages 40-41
My rivers and flowing springs…my “fruitful land” if you will…has been turned into desert and thirsty ground. My “success” has been turned to “failure,” for the sake of a greater work he is doing. What relief there is in rolling with this! No, it doesn’t mean I throw in the towel on maintaining godly boundaries! Not at all! It means, I am discovering my natural God-given size (as opposed to my unnatural caffeine-given size), but more– I am discovering a “supernatural, God-given character change!” It is worth it! OH! It is worth it! All of this baggage I have carried for so long is being exposed by this…by this! It is amazing that He can do this.
In exposing it, it is being dismantled…”unpacked” as it were. I am not carrying it into each and every situation. All because I gained a few pounds! I love it! Truly I do.
For our benefit, God often allows us to experience circumstances that will enable us to recognize our blind adherence to Satan’s deceptions. Many times these circumstances seem very negative, but through them we can learn valuable life-changing truths. The Search for Significance, p. 39
The doctor appointment for a complete physical was a great opportunity for God to work in the present time exposing the lies I have believed and the fact that I bring these lies and their subsequent emotional baggage into the present moment. This causes things to be emotional “powder kegs,” hindering my ability to be effective and sane–and godly, too! Yes, I have learned a valuable life-changing truth, all right!
God led me to be proactive. As I greeted my doctor, I was cordial. It was the end of a harried day in the office, no doubt…they had taken walk-ins and emergencies, so I had waited a long time to be seen and I knew that she was probably fried. I told her I can’t imagine a day like she had had and then having to wrap it up with an exam like this one couldn’t be a fun way to end a Friday. :-/
Then I explained that I would get right down to what had prompted my making the appointment–that in October of 2007 I was at a weight of 150-153 and held it steady for a year, until October 2008. Doing the same things that I had done to lose the weight (100 pounds) and then to maintain it for another year, I had nevertheless gained about 10-15 pounds. I acknowledged this to her and told her I wanted to know if anything could explain this medically. I also explained that I had gone from copious quantities of diet coke to no more diet coke.
She went over my blood work and everything looked terrific to her. I take issue with the TSH level and her conclusions about it and may get a second opinion since thyroid could explain the weight gain and some of the other symptoms I have. My cholesterol is low (in spite of french fries at McDonalds!), my glucose is great, liver function is happy–in spite of having lived as a human laboratory rat for 20 years with all the NutraSweet I had been drinking! My blood pressure IS high again, but it had climbed even before October of 2008…and so I will be treated for that again. Sigh…a blow to my pride, but genetics has won out, I guess.
So, in short, her answer was “No, nothing can medically explain your weight gain.”
Reality check here…less caffeine has probably really changed my metabolism (duh…I have said this before). But it doesn’t matter what has made a change. The question is…
…am I TRULY waiting for 0 or, mindlessly and without prayer, just eating what I always did for two years when I lost weight and maintained it?
So there is a need to be more honest with myself. In the past, I got away with “fudging” things some. Maybe I can’t any more. God is calling me to be…dare I say it… a bit more honest?
At one point, I felt such a sense of compassion and love for this woman, I knew that Christ was giving me a glimpse of his heart for her. It was really a tender experience for me and I knew that I had to stop referring to her as “DragonLady” and begin to identify her by name…though I won’t do that here to protect her identity.
A dragon WAS slain through this…the “dragon” of past emotions and experiences that have led to believing Satan’s lies and bringing that with me into the present, causing me to interpret things through black-colored glasses! Good grief! How I have over-reacted to her lack of tact and lack of professionalism in the past, certainly. Yes, I will look for a new doctor because of these things…but nevertheless…I rejoice that I didn’t bail before having the opportunity to see just how much I am responsible for all I felt as I faced into this appointment.
More on the deeper stuff tomorrow. God is sure using this extra weight to teach me some powerful truths. WOW! I can honestly say for the first time…this is worth it. Wow. It really is. IT IS WORTH IT to have these pounds if by doing so I truly see some things in my character that He has wanted me to see…and from which he wants to free me. PRAISE YOU, LORD!
If you believe what you read or see, then all there is to grabbing a hold of joy or happiness is some chicken nuggets or Sara Lee cookies or cakes!
This totally relates to where I have been with processing the material in the Get Thin Stay Thin book. Instead of rushing earnestly to a diet coke (“But I LOVE my bubbles!”) or to whatever tasty treat would satisfy my “sweet tooth,” I see more than ever that God wants me in those moments to “Be Still and Know that I AM God…”
