At Peace

by Heidi Bylsma | May 21, 2009 | Blog

In our world, we hear the message loud and clear all the time: Thinner is better.

So, then, how can someone lose a bunch of weight, keep it off for a year and gain some back and be happy? And be ok? And have it be the right thing?

Everywhere we look, even in our Christian circles, it is conveyed to us: Weight Gain can’t possibly be a good thing…and it definitely isn’t the godly thing. :-/

I have news for you! It can TOO be godly! Weight gain can be a good thing! I have this on good authority! 🙂

While I know there will be times when I will struggle with this, and Lord knows I certainly have during the past 6 months, God has been at work inside me, through me, in spite of me. I am at so much more peace with myself and my size than I ever imagined. And I am also at peace with food and with God about all of it! (Sunday mornings do tend to wreak havoc with it a bit, but even the past couple of Sundays have been miraculously peaceful…thank you, Lord!)

I have given Him my heart in this.

That counts for something BIG! He has been doing a HUGE work in me.

God IS doing a new thing!

Strongholds and idols galore have crashed to the ground. They have been busted apart! Three years ago, I never would have imagined I would be where I am today…free. Just because I have disappointed people who have followed my story by gaining some weight back, doesn’t mean that the story has had an ungodly, sad, or failed ending! I stand here today testifying that right now, as I am TODAY, I am a testimony of God’s grace and his amazing rescue!

To those who think that “Heidi used to be an example of success on Thin Within. Now she is just like everyone else who has tried it. She has failed. She has gained weight back…”

I say this…

HEY! Listen up! I was outside of God’s will being owned by the strongholds of diet soda and caffeine, a certain size body and the scale! I clung to the scale to prove I had value and worth to “justify” that I was TOO still godly! GOOD GRIEF! No! Don’t buy this lie! I went to the scale for my worth…even though I hid that fact from many I talked with on the Thin Within forums, in person, and in email. (I wasn’t completely honest…I really WAS owned by the scale…even more than I realized at the time…) And I constantly had a diet soda in my hand…CONSTANTLY. That is bondage! That isn’t godliness.

I was obsessed by my body, my looks, my clothes and stifled by fear that everything upon which I was fixated would vanish.

Please hear me, my blog family. 🙂 You are dear to me! Know this! While my “Super Duper Thin Within Woman” cape is torn and my crown tarnished ;-), while I have fallen from a pedestal in many ways…this weight gain is NOT indicative of any of that. FAR FROM IT!

In fact, get this…I believe that this weight is actually an award of victory…that pronounces that God is king over areas of my life that were not surrendered to him while I was struggling to maintain such a low weight on my frame.

Please know this, too….I enjoy DAILY accountability with a partner who is one of the best gifts God has ever given me. My goal continues to be to honor the Lord and glorify him with my eating and drinking every moment of the day. I shoot for 0 to 5 eating–and am not perfect, but I continue to live out the patterns I have established over the last two and a half years.

And I stay off the scale. COMPLETELY.

Additionally, I am gloriously free from caffeine headaches if I don’t have soda constantly…I can honestly say, THIS IS A GIFT FROM GOD!

My friends…this IS that to which God has called me! I am enjoying experiencing the reality of his promises!

It is hard to post this so blatantly. I mean…someone would ask…”If you are so free, then why the weight gain?” Well, I have to say it again…the size I was before was NOT God’s “natural God-given size” for me! Why would I want to do whatever it takes to be something he doesn’t call me to be? Caffeine is a drug! How would people feel if I had taken amphetamines to be thin and finally admitted it!? They would likely feel compassion for my admission and celebrate my “coming clean” –they might even understand the weight gain, perhaps.

Why not in this case?

I am convinced that my “natural God-given size” is closer to where I am than where I was. And it is ok! I have gone ahead and purchased new jeans in one size up…and have gotten out some of my old clothes that I had celebrated putting away…I now celebrate that I feel ok about needing another size.

I am ok with this. I mean, if I still need to feel good about things, I can look at it this way…I have released 80-85 pounds and a truckload of strongholds. God has worked this in me.

I am praising him! I hope you will praise him along with me!

God really IS doing a new thing!

Awakening

by Heidi Bylsma | May 19, 2009 | Blog

I have this tendency to think that I can’t allow myself to listen to the longings of my heart. I have learned so well to stuff them down. One bible teacher has said that she begs God to give her such holy desires that she can allow herself to run with her longings…to indulge that which surfaces without hesitation! I think that is a great prayer!

John Eldredge in Walking With God makes an excellent point. God sometimes allows our longings to surface…actually causes something to cross our path that triggers a desire. We can stifle it (not usually a good idea), or ask God about it. The entire book is about welcoming God into everyday moments of life.

For instance, I see a woman and her beautiful horse down at the arena. They are like music together. Poetry in motion. She rides bareback and bridleless and my eyes well up with tears at such a beautiful partnership. What’s more, this isn’t merely about beautiful mechanical movement together. There is a softness in horse and rider that speaks of something so beyond just “moving” without tack. As the lady dismounts, it is evident that the horse just adores her and she him. They not only DO together, they ARE together. It stirs something in my heart. Something deep.

I will miss it if I begin to think I need to work with my horses more to get this and that is the answer to the longing I feel. There is something that is deep inside all right, but it is so much more than having an almost magical relationship with my horses. What is deeper? What is really beneath all of this?

John Eldredge says:

More often than not, this awakening of desire is an invitation from God to seek what we’ve given up as lost, an invitation to try again…
(Walking with God, page 187)

In fact, what is at the heart of most of my longings?

What God uses to awaken desire is not necessarily what we long for. The things “in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust to them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things…are good images of what we desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself, they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshippers. For they are not the thing itself.” They are not what we are longing for.
(Walking with God, page 187)

The point is, when we see desire or longing surface, instead of pondering how we can get the thing that we think it is about or instead of shoving the desire down, we can sit with God in it…and ask him, “God, what is this about? What do you have for me in this? What is your intention in allowing this longing, this desire to surface? I don’t want to miss what you have for me in it.”

Admittedly, this is risky…he may let me sit a while with the question hanging in the air between us.

When I do anything other than extend this invitation to God, it–the desire and longing that I have felt–most assuredly will work against me…either turn me toward something that will become an addiction, a false pacifier, or the deadening of my heart or all of the above.

There is something deep going on here. I sense it. Right now, I am at peace with things more than I have been in a long while. I have to admit, though, I wonder if it isn’t cyclical! If in a couple of weeks, I will be churning just as much as I was a week ago. The nature of my blog postings could cause anyone a serious case of whiplash, I am sure! 🙂

But right now, today, I am optimistic. I see the longings, the desires, the misplaced indulgences as indicators that God is up to something big in my life…

My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

Psalm 73:25-26

Longings

by Heidi Bylsma | May 19, 2009 | Blog

Walking with God by John Eldredge is an amazing book. The workbook makes it a wonderful experience to walk through the book…pondering, praying, considering, asking God, learning to listen.

He brings up many truths that penetrate. God has used it to bring home once again things that he has been wanting me to wrap my brain around.

In his entry called “Unmet Longings” he says:

To bury the deep longings of our hearts is not a good thing. Doing so begins to shut our hearts down and then we fall into that “get on with life” mentality. For me, that means bearing down and working. Getting things done. But my passion slowly fades away, and life recedes from me. I cannot bring to my work the zest I once did, so even my work suffers. Because my heart is suffering. It’s like a form of slow starvation. If your body doesn’t get what it needs, you can run for a while without it. But slowly the erosion begins to manifest itself. You get tired, your muscles ache, or you start having headaches or a thousand other symptoms. You need nourishment.

The heart is like that. Thank God, we cannot force it down forever. Hurting, it begins to insist on some attention. Now we can either listen to these rumblings and let our hearts surface so that we bring them to God, or we can give in to some addiction. The starving heart won’t be ignored forever. Some promise of life comes along and boom–we find ourselves in the kitchen closet taking down a quart of ice cream…

Walking With God page 185

This reminds me of what the Hallidays said in Silent Hunger, also published as Thin Again and Get Thin Stay Thin. Our hearts are hungry. It is a silent hunger, but it longs to be heard, recognized, and satisfied. If we don’t listen to it, if we don’t feed it in an appropriate way, it will raise its head and demand feeding…and we may throw it some “bone”… sooner or later, we must bring it to God. We must sit with the emptiness and wait on the Lord.

This is a common theme in my life right now. To be willing to wait. Wait. Wait…Wait on the Lord.

Often, God even awakens the desire in our hearts…so that we might recognize it is there…more on that tomorrow…

Disjointed…Fragmented

by Heidi Bylsma | May 17, 2009 | Blog

I have planned a few times to post, but just haven’t carved out the time to do it. I am back to the tyranny of a fragmented life. I think I do this when I am in pain…over commit, overextend…and when I am just tired of feeling. It is so noble (or so it seems), so honorable…to be “busy.” I mean what kind of person isn’t busy? Someone who is lazy? Someone who doesn’t have purpose in life?

Lies.

Maybe the person who isn’t “busy” is someone who is allowing God to establish her priorities.

He says that his commands are not burdensome. Maybe if I feel like life is a burden it is a HINT that I am doing that which is outside his will or not depending on his strength to do what *is* his will. Duh!

I need to declare a sabbath rest for myself. He calls…

¹³ So then, the word of the LORD to them will become:
Do and do, do and do,
rule on rule, rule on rule;
a little here, a little there—
so that they will go and fall backward,
be injured and snared and captured.

Hmm…sounds like there is a fail safe. He calls me to rest. If I don’t listen, life–even doing what I assume is God’s will for me–becomes a huge burden…a list of dos and don’t…and I will fall.

What’s this have to do with eating? Tons. There is something deeper here. Why the busy-ness? Why do I over-fill my days? Why do I keep saying yes to new projects? Why? Why is it so obvious I am running from something? What is the something I am running from? Why do I run?

What if I am still in my pain, in my need and God lets me feel it longer than I want? What if he doesn’t show up? Will my faith handle that? Will I still trust him? Will I still believe that he will heal?

When will I finally be free of all this introspection that feels so horribly self-centered and myopic? What comes first? My healing? Or focusing in something else? I keep hoping it is the focusing on something else.

Trigger

by Heidi Bylsma | May 7, 2009 | Blog

trig⋅ger

–noun
anything, as an act or event, that serves as a stimulus and initiates or precipitates a reaction or series of reactions.

Roy Rogers was a famous singing cowboy. He had a horse named Trigger. That is a different kind of trigger than the kind I am talking about today. 🙂

Yesterday I was out in the corral trimming Dodger’s, our mustang’s, feet. A few years ago, I wrote a piece about my son and Dodger that was published in the Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover’s Soul Volume 2. You can read an abbreviated version of their story at this link. If you want to see photos of Daniel and Dodger, you can find them here and a video may be found here. 🙂 Must brag about my two redheads. (The image to the right in this blog entry is not Daniel and Dodger, but is Roy and Trigger!) 🙂

Yesterday while I was trimming Dodger’s, feet something happened to trigger Dodger’s fear mechanism. POOF! What had been a calm, hanging-out-in-the-corral-for-a-horsie-pedicure time turned into something terrifying for my sweet Dodger. Something triggered a memory from his abusive past. He instantly went into FEAR overload.

All this in a manner of 2 seconds. One moment peaceful. The next moment terrified…Something flipped the switch. Presto change-o…

I wondered if it was the rasp in my hand (some farriers beat horses with those!) and I let it fall from my hand as I asked Dodger to bring his mind back into the here and now with me.

I knew that, while I had to allow Dodger to be worried, it was vital that I find a way to show him that he is safe with me—that whatever boogie that was front and center in his mind was a phantom and not going to hurt him in reality. I felt like it was important not to squelch Dodger’s need to express his concern. Doing that might merely stifle his need causing it to possibly resurface at another time in a way that is dangerous for horse and human. (I have seen this before and have been taught by knowledgeable horsemen to be aware of this possibility.)

Because I love him, because I want healing, I actually welcome the opportunity to help Dodger with a fear rooted in his past. When I am given an opportunity to show him that whatever demon has climbed on his back is not physically present now…it is a chance to solidify in his head that he is safe and cherished now. This is healing.

It has been a long time since I saw his past jump on him like this. There he was white-eyed and just sure *I* was going to beat him! His feet grew roots into the ground and he began to quake…an indication that the horse thinks he is going to die…they typically flee for their lives unless they think death is imminent.

He was very worried I was going to beat him, so I had to show Dodger that my hands will never be used to beat him. I did this by rushing at him with my hands up toward his face and neck. This worried him–a LOT–so as I got closer to him I then pet him until he softened and calmed. We repeated this until he understood (at least for now) that my intent is different from those people in his memory who hurt him.

This entire encounter may not have lasted longer than two or three minutes, but had I asked Dodger if he wished a memory like that would never surface again, I would be willing to bet that he would say that would be his preference.

As his “Mom,” though…as the one who loves him, even imperfectly, I am glad when I get a glimpse inside…when something surfaces and I can show him the truth about the present. Over the six years Dodger has been a member of our family, these kinds of “triggers” have occurred with less frequency. I believe this is a testimony that healing has taken place.

We work with the horse to help him and support him, showing him that he can “work the thing through” with the human. He finds that whatever BOOGIE it is, is in the past…it is now gone…and the human in his life NOW means no harm and is actually someone who will provide safety and relief.

I may not be the brightest Crayola in the box, so it was a few hours later when I realized what God had graciously done…Dodger was “broad-sided,” something “triggered” his reaction–a feeling that he would rather not feel. But I love him and am willing that he should experience the fears long enough for me to show him he is safe now…to be healed…

Sound familiar? Just a few hours prior to my trimming session with Dodger, I wrote here at the blog about a similar experience that God had allowed to happen to me during my bible study time in Esther. God, my loving perfect Heavenly Father, wants the things that are triggered to be allowed to surface…while I, emotionally, may wish it never to happen as it is so painful, he wants me to sit in the pain for a while and wait for HIM to show up…wait for him to show me that I am safe and cherished in this present moment. He may go a bit deeper with me than I can go with Dodger :-)…but nevertheless, he used this incident with Dodger to show me that his intentions are totally loving.

I love how God uses my horses this way…He used Dodger yesterday to love on me. Thank you, Lord…

What is this Wound, Lord?

by Heidi Bylsma | May 7, 2009 | Blog

I have just spent the last hour with the bible teacher, Beth Moore teaching (via video) on Esther 2:1-7. I downloaded the video segment for Session One from Lifeway. To be honest, I didn’t plan to do this study. I purchased the workbook in October when I was at the filming of Breaking Free. I have NO idea WHY I bought it. The subtitle, “It’s Tough Being a Woman,” seems incredibly CHEEZY to me. Bleah.

So why did I take it off the shelf on Monday and start doing it? I guess I didn’t want the workbook to go to waste. I hate having empty workbook blanks…and an entire workbook left empty is almost sacrilege to me. :-/

The time I have spent during my quiet times lately has been good…but studying books like The Search for Significance or Get Thin Stay Thin or Walking with God. These are great…God has been using them to transform my life, but I have missed STUDYING the scriptures. I have been reading and looking verses up, certainly, but I have missed FOCUSING attention on the Word.

I typically like to be involved in a good bible study…actually, more inductive is my preference…more so than any Beth Moore study I have ever done (and I have about done them all), but that is another story. Even now, I am getting side-tracked from what God prompted me to write at the blog about today…

So as I was watching the video session of a bible study that I didn’t really feel excited about doing after a week of filling in my blanks (and I guess being somewhat disconnected emotionally as I did), something was stirred–something BIG.

Something PAINful.

Something that I don’t want to address.

Something I would rather not look at.

It all came to the surface when Beth began to mention “beauty.”

Oh yuck…puhleeze. I am NOT like that, am I? Do I really care about being thought of as beautiful? I would just rather not care. I think I don’t care. I am pretty sure of it, in fact. Gimme my baseball hat, t-shirt, jeans, and hiking boots, thank you very much. No, I don’t care about “beauty” at all. So THERE. In your face…

So why did the tears start streaming down my face at Beth’s mention of it? :-/

Let’s blame sleep deprivation…yeah, that’s it.

It certainly isn’t hormones. This should be my one good week out of the month. 😉

So, I think I will just blame my extreme emotional reaction (near convulsing sobs…) on the fact that I got 4 hours of sleep. That would be safe and also rescue me from a sense that I have to deal with something deeper than the need for a nap.

hmm….

God isn’t letting me get off so easy. The Hound of Heaven is relentless…

Ok, so it is time to process something. Something that, apparently, was triggered by bible study. (Gah…I thought I was safe there…)

Why does the thought of “Do you think I am beautiful?” trigger something in ME. I mean, *I* am not into “girlie” things. I don’t do makeup…I cut my own hair once a year when it needs trimming…:-) I have only about 5 pairs of shoes in my closet: running shoes, hiking boots, two slip-ons (actually all-weather mocs from LL Bean)…and a friend’s sandals that I highjacked to wear on Easter…(On the back porch are my riding boots and mucking shoes for the pasture…) You get the drift. My finger nails are short because throwing hay, trimming horse feet and other things, cause my nails to be torn off…assuming they get long enough without me gnawing on them during an intense episode of an Andy Griffith Show rerun on DVD with my family. 😉

It began when Beth Moore said there are 5 kinds of women…the first wants everyone to think she is beautiful…that is a miserable woman, Beth said. I echoed a hearty “Amen!” to that one. (Ever-so-self-righteously…) The second type is the kind who just wants every MAN to think she is beautiful…that one is dangerous. “She sure is, Lord…they need to get a life and let you sanctify their need to be beautiful! Preach it sister!”

The third, Beth went on, is the one who doesn’t care if anyone thinks she is beautiful…that one hides…

Broad-sided…slapped upside the head with a two by four…The tears starting, welling up quickly in my eyes…and then by the time she mentioned something about her husband, Keith, thinking she is beautiful and longing for that, my tears were running…flowing…freely…but I don’t remember what the fourth and fifth are…I got lost…didn’t press pause in the video… Didn’t want to have the moment linger…

What kind of “bible study” is this???? I thought I was pretty emotionally safe…between taking a “scholarly” approach to the ancient book of Esther and maintaining that the subtitle was too “Cheezy” … well, I figured I could just study this book of the bible and stay safe from more of the processing and junk I have had to do lately. I was heading for the high ground, running for the hills. Who would have thought that God would cut me off at the pass…

⁷ Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?

⁸ If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.

⁹ If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,

¹⁰ even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

¹¹ If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,”

¹² even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

Psalm 139:7-12

I can’t hide from him…Like the “run away bunny” in the children’s classic story whose momma always became whatever the bunny was running TO to escape her…God wraps me in his arms…nuts. (What a strange reaction to the Lover of my soul…)

I have to deal with this.

More pain, more challenge.

I thought I would be able to run from it and just sit in the Word a bit…sort of massage myself with the comfort that I was studying God’s Word again…after all, isn’t that the godly thing to do instead of to keep studying books and focusing on ME so much…

I guess I forgot that the Word of God is living and active, sharper than any double edge SWORD…dividing soul and spirit…joints and marrow, judging the thoughts and intentions of the heart…

So, ok. I know I have to give in. I will be miserable if I don’t.

What is this wound, Lord? What is its root? What do you want to do with it? What must I do?

Instead of going to eat breakfast right now…I am hungry…have been for an hour…I am going to sit here in my physical need and know that it is just a mirror of my very deep emotional need. I will embrace the emptiness right now…I will wait on God right now.

I know this pain is related to all the “stuff” I have been struggling with–some of which I have posted about at the blog…This pain that surprised me is DEFINITELY related to the weight, the food, the heart stuff…the shame, the Sunday morning freak outs…

Lord…what do you want me to do, be, say, think, feel in this? You have made it clear you want me to face this. Please be my Healer, my Balm of Gilead…the Physician for my sickness.