Several weeks have gone by since that morning in the bathroom when God raised the whole issue of love. I’ve been asking Him what I should pray, and he has been replying, That my love would heal your heart.Oh, how deeply he knows me. Knows me better than I know myself. And how true and good to pray just this. My heart does need his love and healing. He’s also been saying, Give me your heart. The two go hand in hand. At first I was bugged by his persistence, bugged by the fact that he kept answering, That my love would fill your heart, heal your heart. But that only shows how much I do need healing, and also why and where I need God’s love and healing.
The above excerpt is from John Eldredge’s Walking With God. This is an incredible book. Obviously, I could have written the above words myself. They are spot on. Yesterday was rough, including a flashback of a nasty childhood scene. God’s love was beckoning to me all the while and I didn’t see it, couldn’t see it. I stayed in darkness for much of the day. He had even spoken to me from His Word, but I wasn’t able to see it until today:
But you, O God, do see trouble and grief; you consider it to take it in hand. The victim commits himself to you; you are the helper of the fatherless. – Psalm 10:14
You hear, O LORD, the desire of the afflicted; you encourage them, and you listen to their cry, defending … the oppressed... Psalm 10:17-18a
More than food, the Lord wants to graciously give me what my heart needs. He says so! Isn’t that wonderful! He says so!
When I was about 5 years old, my big sister (12 years my senior) would tackle me to the floor, straddle my middle, pin my arms with her knees and tickle me relentlessly. She wouldn’t stop until I said what she wanted me to say…
“Say ‘Uncle!’, ” she would taunt.
“UNCLE!!!”
“Say, ‘Uncle, with a cherry on top!'”
“UNCLE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP!!!”
(Evil glimmer in big sister’s eyes…) “Say ‘UNCLE with a cherry on top and pretty please, you are the most amazing sister in the world…'”
“UNCLE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP AND PRETTY PLEASE YOU ARE THE MOST AMAZING SISTER IN THE WORLD!!!!”
I am convinced this was a form of torture designed to ensure my undying fealty to her supremacy in our household. If I wasn’t submissive enough, the tickle torture was sure to be my lot in life. I could run, but I couldn’t hide.
I am at a point right now with all this *stuff* having to do with eating, food, my body…where I just want to holler “UNCLE!” I want to be DONE with it!
Lord, I will say whatever you want, but can we just quit? I can’t take another minute of it.
In my journal this morning, I wrote the following:
As I sit here right now, I feel a tiredness, a lack of caring–how could I feel this way?–I am before the God of the universe!…I think I am so tired of trying to “be good,” or to “process” all of this stuff, of trying to “be healed,” “get well…” Of trying to connect with God through all the noise of my life and struggles–of having this ISSUE in my life. It always seems to be THE THING that keeps me from being as close to God as I long to be. I just wish it would go away. I am tired of trying to deal with it. I am tired of the struggle, the sin, the failure…
Deuteronomy 1:29-31 says: “Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.”
I can’t even bring myself to honestly ask application questions this morning…something like “Are you feeling tired of this battle?” (Who isn’t?) “What will you do to press on and not give up?”…or something like that…but I can’t even say I am willing to DO anything more right now…I just have to rest. I have to. I can’t keep on. (Maybe that is the point?)
Why is it I have this tendency to think that if I am not DOING something, it means I am “giving up?”
The authors continue to flesh out the detriment of focusing on rigid programmed ways of eating to solve our trouble with weight, food, and eating. It is so easy to focus on these rigid restraining ways of getting weight off when God wants to resolve the deeper issues at hand for a lasting change. In fact, the more we focus on these restrictive ways of “fixing ourselves,” the more entrenched our captivity may become.
–> How much of a struggle is it for you to let go of the rigid programmatic ways of “dealing with your weight problem?” Can you choose to release these methods to God and begin to trust Him that he wants to do a deeper work in you that is worth the sacrifice?
Restoration requires a life of faith–we believe we can be restored; a life of freedom–we risk stepping out of bondage to the past and our disordered eating; and a life of intimacy–we accept oneness with God and allow those appointed by God to participate in our restoration. GTST, p. 36
I read this so differently than I did when I read this material previously. I see it now as connecting beautifully with what God has been showing me about being willing to be in deeper relationships with others…to be willing to love. It means being willing to be authentic enough to let them see the real me.
Here on the internet it seems easy enough to share “deeply,” but in “real life,” where I have to look people in the face, it is tough for me. It means being willing to love them in a way that allows a connection, a glimpse beyond the “Sunday-Morning-All-Is-Perky-Perfect” or the “Bible Study Church Lady” facades. I know at times in the past when I have taken these risks, I have shocked the socks off of some folks sitting across from me at bible studies and the like. The idea of allowing “those appointed by God to participate in our restoration” is terrifying!
But the wall has to come down. I was created for intimacy and if my turning to food began and was fueled by dysfunctional breaches in intimacy with God and others, it stands to reason that being in relationships with others will be a primary part of this process of true restoration for me.
–> How about you? Can you consider the possibility that the very thing that you want to protect yourself from is the very thing through which God may bring your deliverance? Are you willing to invite him to lift your chin, step out of shame, and be authentic with people in your life? Not just on the web, but those that can look you in the eye…that you can’t just turn off with the click of your mouse?
God’s restoration is far more wonderful than the temporary resolution of our weight problem. It involves a complete recovery of our ability to eat and live as he intended. For this to happen, we must allow God to move and to work in us, using the hunger we’ve tried in vain to satisfy. God wants to change our character for a higher purpose: to make us more like himself. GTST, p. 37
Yes, Lord, please do it! From the inside out…
When God works his miracle of grace, he resurrects and empowers us to resolve the buried problem.GTST, p. 38
Chapter 2 of Get Thin Stay Thin makes quite a case for the fact that in spite of our tendency to think that we need to restrict ourselves and deny ourselves and insist that we eat X number of calories or fat grams or points even if we are hungry beyond that…that this is not the path that will lead to freedom. So often, this “rigid restraint” actually serves to more deeply imbed the dysfunction.
God’s way is the way of resurrection.
Jesus said, “I am the resurrection and the life” (John 11:25). God’s gift to us is resurrection–restoration and recovery. Recovery from disordered eating is not only possible, it is what God intends. He brings life out of death, restores the broke, recovers the lost. GTST, p. 35
If you are toying with (or totally committed to) the “diet” approach, consider if it has served you in the past or just caused further difficulty. The approach endorsed by Get Thin Stay Thin or Thin Within may be the “long way around” for some of us, but it is the one that treats the deeper cause. God wants to get to the root of things. He wants to move in and flood the empty places in our hearts so we never want for anything other than Him and HIS will for our lives. This way, we won’t just replace what food does for us with another counterfeit.
So now come the accusations. No, not from people. No one has ever given a voice to these accusations–not yet. Though I wonder if it will happen in time.
The accusations come from the one who Jesus says comes to steal, kill, and destroy.
I frequent the Thin Within forums and a few other online communities. I try to encourage others in their pursuit of God first and foremost. My desire is to stimulate people to see how God takes this struggle with food, eating and our weight to woo us to him, to beckon us nearer, to draw us closer and to stay longer…to linger with Him. I love sharing with others how He uses these very challenges to invite us to a dependent intimacy with him–an ongoing conversation with the Heavenly Father.
So I flit about on the web trying to point people to this fact. I know it from experience–some days I know it better than others… (I must be aware that this can also be another way of numbing myself but in trappings of “godly” motivation…and be willing NOT to do this at times.)
In one of these communities yesterday I asked a question in response to one person’s post…”How can we encourage you? What would *you* like support about specifically?”
I don’t blame her for her response. Many people say things like this…and I know *I* have. After all, we want to know not just how to “lose weight.” Most of us know how to do that. But what we have been missing in all the years of our dieting history is the “how to” of keeping it off.
So this lady responded honestly and without any ill intent…”I would like to hear from those who have lost all their weight and kept it off about…”
ZAP! The enemy got me right between the eyes.
“YOU don’t qualify!”
“You have failed, so don’t even begin to try to encourage her!”
“What do YOU know about keeping weight off? You always put it back on. I told you you would this time, too, and you are! HA!”
Wow. I was bombarded. Still am.
Truth is, I don’t know how to respond to questions that are prefaced this way any more. I am even debating about changing my “before and after” photos at the blog here…I don’t want to mislead anyone. That is never my intention at all.
So a part of me starts arguing in my flesh with these accusations:
“I do TOO know about keeping off weight! I kept it off for a year! And this is a temporary setback. God and I are on a roll again!” Pride isn’t masked very well, is it?
or…
“The only reason that I have more weight on my body now than I did in October of 2007 is because I am healthier now (no more high blood pressure) and the doctor took me off of diuretics! It is water weight!” Again, not a terribly humble response.
or…
“Yeah!” (I support myself quite readily…patting myself on the back arrogantly, I go on…) “And I made the godly sacrifice of removing caffeine from my life which is another diuretic…this is another reason to consider some of that weight water!”
And on and on it goes.
How easy it is to forget that God wants me to acknowledge my sin. Yes, there are facts to consider about the caffeine and the “water pill” that I (praise GOD!!!) don’t take any more.
But the fact is, I have strayed.
So, what will I do with the enemy’s accusations? Will I allow the enemy to render me inoperative? Ineffective? Will I HIDE in shame? God has taught me so much through these many months. Whether I have kept the weight off or not, there have been many valuable lessons he is teaching me…or trying. Some, I have learned and learned well.
Others…obviously, that which I have blogged about recently…I have not learned nearly so well.
I am in process. One thing I KNOW. He is the focus. Not me. Not weight, not food, not clothes and how they fit.
So, I guess for the person who wants to hear from someone who has lost all their weight, has kept it off, and has never struggled with temptation to overeat ever again…ok, sure, I don’t qualify. My pride will just have to get over itself.
For every accusation the enemy throws at me, I sift through what shred of truth there may be in what I hear. I reject the rest and take the truth to the Lord.
I think some of what I struggle with is summarized in the Get Thin Stay Thin book:
Disordered eating can also result when you are “successful” in managing your weight. When you “lose” excess pounds, people make comments like, “Oh you look so good! You’ve lost weight!” You may begin to feel acceptable, loved, and approved on that basis for the first time in your life. Where once life seemed painful and out of control, now there is something within your control that brings positive attention. You may find that the more you focus on [mechanics of weight loss] the less you feel the emotional pain. But always present within us is a hunger we realize isn’t being satisfied. We are hungry, but what are we hungry for?GTST, p. 28
How much have I placed my sense of acceptance, love and approval on what others think of me, be it online or in person? The Lord wants me to move past this. Certainly, he doesn’t want me to gain weight to learn this lesson, but he IS using this temporary setback of mine to bring this lesson home–that my worth has nothing to do with my weight or my behavior or my performance–and not even my “words of wisdom” shared with others. It is based on Christ alone.
Others may decide that I am not “qualified” to answer their concerns. That is ok. It really is! (Or it has to be!) My value or worth in their eyes doesn’t define it in reality. God alone does that. He chose me before the foundation of the earth to be holy and blameless in His sight. In LOVE, he predestined me to be adopted. He did this because it delights him and gives him pleasure to do so!
Thank you, Lord. On a practical note, the “Experiment in Love” continues to unfold. Yesterday I chose to love my mother–something that is very challenging for me right now. The kids and I drove an hour each way to take her to lunch and then invite her to pick “What shall we do next?” I found, again, that being willing to love another–when there were so many things I would rather have been doing–did something inside of me to change me. Food, again, didn’t have that pull. We had Round Table pizza for lunch–a favorite of mine. Yet one small piece satisfied me and there was no temptation to eat another. The rest of the day, food was incidental again–like it used to be. I delighted in eating when I was at a 0, but didn’t keep grabbing for more when my body was no longer hungry. What a relief!
On Wednesday, I began to do what God has been leading me to do through my study of the Get Thin Stay Thin book…to risk a bit more, to love, believing that there is some way in which He will allow my giving to satisfy rather than deplete me.
So, I began to do some little things…little things that, I am sad to say, I would have avoided. It started rather simply…cleaning the kitchen, taking my son driving…Before, I couldn’t be bothered unless there was something in it for me. Playing tennis with my daughter, celebrating my son’s willingness to get past some fears with the dentist and take him to lunch–taking the kids to get their hair(s) cut. All simple “Mom-type” things…duties that I shirked previously. All because it put me out…
Those were the little things.
But God challenged me to love “bigger” too…still within a certain realm of quasi-safety, I suppose. By posting the truth, the confessions to the blog…I was taking a stab at loving, too. Some of you who read my ramblings are my friends. I couldn’t stand the pretense any more of pretending that all was right. So I jumped off the cliff to love enough to be honest. You have blessed me with your response. Nevertheless, to take the plunge was not only a hit to my pride yesterday, but it scared me. It was a big risk.
So in the last two days, God has begun to show me that what he has been teaching me in theoryis true in practice–in reality. That there is something about giving myself away a bit more that causes my soul to be swelled up, filled to overflowing. “Vat brimming over with new wine” sort of soul satisfaction.
Yesterday, it was so surprising. Yet, there it was–joy!
Food had little lure for me–in fact, the miraculous occurred–I sat across from my son at McDonald’s and stopped eating french fries long before they were gone! This is unheard of, if you know me at all! I DO love McDonald’s french fries, can you believe it?
In fact, physical hunger didn’t cause the same agitation that it has been. When I got hungry about an hour before my husband came home from work, I settled in and delighted in the fact that I could look forward to eating dinner with him on a totally empty stomach…I didn’t feel the panic, the urge, to “take the edge off” my hunger by eating a little something.
I really believe this was because my heart was full. Maybe it was also due in part to the fact that my conscience was clear. I did the things that I know God has ordained for me to do. Things that, in my dysfunctional, self-protective way, I haven’t been willing to do (as simple as they sound to others).
Today, the experiment continues. The door has opened and I see possibilities ahead.
–> How about you? Are there little things you could do today to love your family, your co-workers, your friend…or someone you don’t care much for? Is there something you can do to “spend yourself” just a bit? Think of one thing and then note how you feel once you get past the initial fear of doing it…and do it. Does it change the way you perceive yourself, the world, food, your body? Maybe it won’t take just one thing…but maybe try one thing today, two things tomorrow and three things the next day. Prayer journal about how you feel and if you observe any subtle shifts in your attitudes toward others, toward God, toward yourself, food and eating. I would love to hear about what you discover.
Several weeks have gone by since that morning in the bathroom when God raised the whole issue of love. I’ve been asking Him what I should pray, and he has been replying, That my love would heal your heart. Oh, how deeply he knows me. Knows me better than I know myself. And how true and good to pray just this. My heart does need his love and healing. He’s also been saying, Give me your heart. The two go hand in hand. At first I was bugged by his persistence, bugged by the fact that he kept answering, That my love would fill your heart, heal your heart. But that only shows how much I do need healing, and also why and where I need God’s love and healing.
