Every now and then, God blesses me with a tiny reassurance–and sometimes, not so tiny–that He has done a mighty work…and continues to do a big work in me. This can often happen when I am beside myself with disappointment in myself…like what I have shared here in recent days…
I found an old journal when I was going through some stuff in our “storage room”…lots of them really. But one in particular God used to send his encouraging reassurance through my heart and soul.
I know that a picture paints a thousand words, so I have scanned the journal. This is from about 13 years ago…that season that my husband calls my “bulimic” period…when I would work out all the more to make up for calories I had ingested. I lived in FEAR! I am so thankful that I am not in this place any longer. I am definitely free. We still have to work out a bit what “freedom” will look like, but wow…God has really done a HUGE work.
If you want to see the image close up, please click on it. Then you will be able to read it, I think. It is pretty scribbly, though…and this is one of the neater pages!
This was from when I was doing “The Zone.” I counted grams of fat, grams of protein, grams of carbohydrate, included total calories and I even did ratios to be sure I had the “right” proportions of each with each meal…sometimes I didn’t…and this appears to be a page from a couple of days when I wasn’t quite on…LOL!
Thank you, Lord, that you have been at work changing me from the inside out. I know that you continue to do so. I cling to you. I refuse to give up. NO MATTER WHAT.
Mean Church Lady told me about 5 years ago that I was hiding the glory of God in my life by gaining weight. I hate to admit I was flattened by her assessment. No one really has the “right” to say that “God’s glory is hindered” by another person’s weight. Certainly the enemy’s voice straight from the pit of hell was given voice and skin that day. It has messed with my head ever since.
I am not the only one that Mean Church Lady has evaluated…Someone I know was told by Mean Church Lady that she needed to consider having a breast reduction surgery.
This same Mean Church Lady was sure to hand out all kinds of approving comments as I released the weight. How kind of her to let me know that I had her approval. :-/ A part of me thrilled to it…a sort of “in your face” to Mean Church Lady…but I never should have bought into that at all….it feeds all the yucky stuff in me.
So…well, can you see where this is going? Mean Church Lady is so willing to offer approval or not based on appearance…so what would Mean Church Lady say now? I figure it is a matter of time before she says something to me now. Each week she is there…and I am confident that each week her magnifying lens scrutinizes every aspect of my body… heavy sigh.
Ok…so why do I care? Mean Church Lady needs to take a flying leap! Why does God allow Mean Church Ladies, anyhow?
When I really step back and consider Mean Church Lady’s approach to life and to other people, my heart is stirred by compassion. Someone(s) very significant in Mean Church Lady’s existence, no doubt, emphasized performance and appearance…withheld their approval of her based on her appearance. It really is sad. Maybe she still feels that lack of acceptance. 🙁
Mean Church Lady may not have ever known the total joy and peace of resting in God’s embrace based completely on what Christ has done for her (which is something I have moments of…and hope to experience more and more…it is a process…).
Mean Church Lady may be under so much self-imposed pressure from her own sense that she needs to perform or achieve and look a certain way to be acceptable that evaluating others based on the same standards is just a natural extension of the junk she struggles with in her own life.
I turned to chapter 2 in The Search For Significance again this morning in preparation for meeting with my accountability partner tomorrow. It was balm for my soul, given Mean Church Lady was at church again yesterday (she rarely misses)…I see her each week from the platform as I play guitar and sing on the worship team. The Lord has been teaching me to focus on his presence during that hour at church each week. That I have an audience of ONE and that ONE has declared me 100% acceptable. He delights over me and receives my praise and worship no matter what my size or what I am going through. Like I said, it is a process. When you have focused on the approval of others all your life, shifting to receiving the truth of God’s limitless and unconditional love and acceptance isn’t “natural!” It is TRUTH, though!
Isn’t it amazing that we turn to others who have a perspective as limited and darkened as our own to discover our worth! Rather than relying on God’s steady, uplifting reassurance of who we are, we depend on others who base our worth on our ability to meet their standards. Because our performance and ability to please others so dominate our search for significance, we have difficulty recognizing the distinction between our real identity and the way we behave, a realization crucial to understanding our true worth. Our true value is based not on our behavior [or size] or the approval of others but on what God’s Word says is true of us. The Search for Signficiance – McGee – page 19
In an effort to maintain honesty, I guess I want to share the truth about where I am today. This is one of those really weird things. A blog is totally out there…I mean, no privacy. Anyone can see and read what I write here. Believe it or not, I prefer not to be that “out there.” But I also know that at times God has convicted me to be forthright and honest with whoever he may lead to read this blog. I can’t argue with him and his ways. I don’t understand how my “brain barfings” could possibly encourage another person at all…I am a complete stranger to most who visit this site, after all. But God is God and His ways are definitely higher than mine… so, onward I go.
Today I am not in a good place. In fact, it is downright NOT good. I am down for the count and trying for all I am worth to cling to the hem of his robe…I am down in the dust again, believing all kinds of voices from my past. The trick is…some of the voices speak truth…but the intent of those voices is condemnation. That isn’t truth.
Today I am in a place of shame. I am battling with feeling that I am caught, after all, in the same diet – lose – rejoice! – give up – gain – shame cycle that has characterized my life for years. I am struggling with feeling like I haven’t changed one bit…it just took longer this time to prove it… Now I am stuck here…
Being on the worship team is really hard for me right now. There are only four of us up there…and my weight loss was “on display” and now I feel like there are spotlights on my hips where bulges have re-emerged…and neon signs are flashing “FRAUD! FRAUD! FRAUD!” Obviously, I know that Sunday mornings aren’t about me. But my flesh rears it’s ugly head and screams “They notice! They see! They can tell I am sinning!”
It has always bothered me that “food sin” is one of the few sins that shows up so everyone can see like a badge of dishonor…cripes. My heart is that no one will care about anything but God, of course…but my flesh keeps hollering at me that I shouldn’t be up there…
In the past, as I have shared previously, I would have gotten off the worship team faster than you can say “Fatso.” I know this time that I don’t have that right…I keep hoping that the worship pastor will say to me… “When the moon is full…” So I can respond with our code phrase: “…the geese will fly…” Meaning, it is time for me to get off the worship team. But so far, he hasn’t said anything about the moon or about my getting off…and I know that God doesn’t want me hitting the door at a dead run as is my desire.
What is wrong with pantie lines? Why do women have to pretend we don’t wear underwear? I can’t figure that one out and when hips are splaying, already pushing at the seams of new pants recently purchased, underwear lines accentuate every indiscretion that shows up on my body as an additional bump or cellulite dimple–even under new Dockers. :-/
So here I am…an hour from worship team practice before church, wishing I could hide under a rock. Or…I have an idea! I can offer to help with the sound board! There is a shortage of people who will do that! What a GREAT idea! Hmmm…I have a feeling the worship pastor would want to know why my sudden change in heart…
How will I possibly lead the song “The More I Seek You” this morning? Well, it really does reflect my heart…I know it is true…
In March, I continued to journal (pen and paper journal…) my way through Get Thin Stay Thin by the Hallidays–formerly published as Silent Hunger and Thin Again.
This is what I wrote on March 23rd, 2009:
I think I’m only now beginning to “get” the imagery of the grave clothes used by the Hallidays in the Get Thin Stay Thin book. Over the course of my life, I’ve been wounded, hurt, mistreated, made mistakes…that is who I think I am deep inside. I have this sense that I can’t let this stuff come out so I keep it all tightly bound in grave clothes of denial, substance abuse (food), numbing out, getting angry or sad. The unwrapping of the grave clothes is the getting rid–ever so slowly–of the things that keep who I am hidden away, bound up, “under wraps.” It is being willing to welcome the stench of decay–opening up the deadness underneath, to be exposed to God’s healing air and light. It’s being willing to have respect for who I am and the experiences God has allowed in my life enough to stop muffling it all–to let it really surface and to bring it all to Him–allowing him to give me new life JUST AS I AM but with HIS redemption of it all.
It is daring to allow it to surface so that it can be healed in his way, in his time.
On another but related note, I jotted the following in my journal as well:
The question is NOT “What will gratify my desire immediately?” but is instead “What will satisfy my hunger for God and His righteousness?”
In March, I journaled my way through chapter 8 of Get Thin Stay Thin, formerly published as Thin Again and Silent Hunger. My accountability partner and I met together and discussed these pages as we did the rest of the book. There is just too much good stuff in that book, not to continue sharing the rest of it here at the blog!
Five Things to Consider When Making a Choice About What and When to Eat:
1.) Consider your motivation. Is it food that I really need? Or am I trying to satisfy a fleshly appetite while attempting to avoid dealing with some emotion or conflict?
“I can satisfy my silent hunger only by turning to God.” (Page 175)
2.) Notice the way I think. If I’m not hungry, I may be operating out of old habits and patterns. What unworkable beliefs or conditioned responses are in operation?
3.) Evaluate my daily lifestyle.
Perhaps your internal emotional state is so frenzied that you keep yourself in perpetual motion to avoid the Spirit prompting you to stillness. (GTST page 177)
This is incredible to me today…over a month after I wrote this quote in my journal. Just moments ago during my quiet time, this thought came to me from another source (by John Eldredge) and God whispered to my spirit that my busy-ness this week (which is way out of control–more than most weeks) is precisely this very thing…an attempt to outrun the call to be still and know that God is God…to wait on him. There is something he wants to address deep within me…why do I run?
4.) Be vigilant and pray.
You are in the process of taking every thought and choice captive to Christ. This involves attentiveness to your old ways of thinking and behaving. It involves a willingness to be honest with yourself and with God as you go to him in prayer… (GTST, page 177) When you invite God to enter your life and allow his will to intervene and govern your attitudes and choices, you will be blessed in all areas of your life–body, mind and spirit. (GTST, page 177)
5.) Continue to be filled with the Holy Spirit.
Having just spent time here at the computer, I think I will go be still with the Lord. The frenzied pace I have been keeping can’t be his will. I was convicted that my evaluation of how life is going is how little I have on my schedule that I dread. Good grief! That isn’t the abundant life! No wonder I feel unsettled in my spirit! Jesus came to give me HIS peace, HIS life, HIS joy!
LOL! Not a very clever title for a blog post…actually, the truth is, life is exciting! God has been up to some big things and I am thrilled about it!
I have been enjoying long leisurely quiet times in the early morning–part of the time I used to spend blogging. Now I am spending it with Him lingering a bit longer. I have needed this because spiritual warfare has definitely increased. I know God is up to some big things–in my life, but also in the life of my church body. He has laid on my heart to pray and encourage some folks and I think the enemy is stinking mad! This has resulted in less time online in the mornings, but it is a good thing.
So, if you are wondering if I have “thrown in the towel” or have “given up” … NO! Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, I continue to rejoice that this is SO totally different than any time in my past when I have “lost” weight…and then “found” some again. THIS is DIFFERENT! I rejoice!
On a practical note, I have begun to really step up scrutinizing my eating between 0 and 5. There have been some adjustments made there.
The new experiment is yet ahead. I am praying about a few things relative to my health and wholeness:
1.) Exercise…what kind of exercise will be incorporated into my life? Does God want me to be routine about this? I have returned to riding my horses again and I typically do some walking when I go on a ride (my riding horses are in their 20s and we live in hilly terrain, so getting off for some of the hills is my gift to all of us!). I do tend to have some *fears* associated with an exercise routine and whether God wants me to have a regular exercise routine or not, I don’t know, but I DO know he wants me to deal with the fear. And I want my body, His temple, to be fit–no matter my size.
2.) Working with my Doc horse who has been for sale. I think God may be leading me to continue my healing journey by being intentional about working with Doc. God hasn’t opened the door for Doc to leave to live with another family permanently. So I think it could be his purpose with me isn’t finished. God uses my animals in my life to teach me so many things. When I work with Doc many of my “issues” surface and I tend to shut down–almost disassociate. This keeps me from being present to help Doc *or* me! I have assumed that I should find a new home for Doc so he can have a human who can give him what he needs, but perhaps the Lord wants to continue my healing by helping me get through this…so…we will see…Definitely praying about it.
3.) I am going through The Search for Significance again, but this time with my accountability partner. I am excited about this! (I still have notes from Get Thin Stay Thin that I want to post here at the blog, so I get ahead of myself, of course!). God continues to remove one layer of the onion after the other. It is amazing how much is here. I continue to prayerfully walk through this: Lord, please show me what strongholds other than you remain in my life…I want to tear them down by your power!
Related to all of the above is something I have to share about my Harley horse. Harley and I have had a tumultuous relationship. Like the others, I got him 6 years ago when I fell head over heals in love. My relationship with Harley is definitely different from the others. 🙂 Harley is like the horse I dreamed all my life of having…
Breezy is Old Reliable (the white horse to the right–did you know Jesus will ride a white horse one day? Breezy is convinced it will be him! LOL!). Breezy is my faithful steed to ride when I just want to go on a joy ride and see the wonders of God’s creation or visit with a friend.
Dodger (to the left) is my comedian–he is a character and I relate to him as I would a class clown that I adore. We don’t ride on the trails at this time. Maybe some day!
Doc (pictured in the first photo where I am riding him) is more of my “baby” horse…I’ve had to nurse-maid him for one thing or another all his life with me (6 years).
Harley (pictured down below), on the other hand, is like a mad, passionate love affair! 🙂 He makes the blood in my veins run hot and I adore him…I adore them all, but this is different. He is solicitous and interacts with me. We communicate with one another (no, I don’t mean in voices…but it is obvious we have many “discussions” when we are together!).
I also have the most depending on or “riding on” my relationship with him, having put SO much pressure on myself and on him to “succeed.” God is using him to show me that I have placed far too much importance on accomplishing things with Harley for my sense of value and significance. It seems so silly, really. But it is true!
So, lately, the principles from Get Thin Stay Thin and The Search for Significance have come home in my horsemanship! I realize that I am the same person when I end my horse time as I am when I begin it–that because of the love of God and Christ’s redemption I am a person of great worth, I am redeemed and precious in his sight, I am fully accepted and loved. It isn’t my horsemanship that determines my value (I know this is obvious) just as it isn’t my being at a certain weight and staying there that makes me have value or “success.” It is GOD ALONE who defines my worth and value….
This has been coming home in such a fresh way. And my times with Harley have been wonderful–I think partly because the self-imposed pressure is off! Harley is so sensitive to me and how I feel (I mean almost eerily so…) that I know he senses this change as well and is responding well to it.
Anyhow, I am HUMMING along…God is walking with me and I with him…and the fellowship is SWEET!
I hope to take some time daily to put my notes about the final chapters if Get Thin Stay Thin here at the blog. The stuff in that book has changed my life so much! (You should see what has happened to my accountability partner! MAN ALIVE!!!!!! GOD IS AWESOME!!!)
I found an old journal when I was going through some stuff in our “storage room”…lots of them really. But one in particular God used to send his encouraging reassurance through my heart and soul.
