The need to forgive runs very deep. It influences everything. It is pretty hard to live in the present moment if I harbor resentment for anything done an hour ago or a decade or three ago. Like so much baggage, it loads me down…
I am asking the Lord afresh…to please show me where a lack of forgiveness is hindering my walk with him. It is ironic…as I do this, there are fresh offenses occurring faster than my mind and heart can register…not to me personally, but indirectly affecting me profoundly.
I know that this is somehow intricately connected with my perception of myself, my value, my body, my eating. It is hard to be willing to “go there.” I believe that true forgiveness requires that I face full on into the offense and the wounds it causes…to allow myself to feel without the benefit of the “numbing agent” used previously…to ask the Lord to do the work he intends to do through the fires of this pain.
Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life will preserve it. – Luke 17:33
When we relinquish control in order to gain our lives in God, he always gives life back to us more abundantly. Dependence–the soul turned toward God, trusting in God, allowing life to unfold according to God’s will–centers our lives upon God’s grace. GTST, p. 131
In the past 5 months, I have been progressively releasing control to the Lord in ways I never did before. Letting go of my addiction to caffeine has resulted in HUGE changes in my body. I don’t know if things were being masked by the caffeine or my body has reacted to not having caffeine pumped into it constantly…or both…but I am having to get to know myself as if I have never applied the principles taught in Thin Within before. It has been unnerving…unsettling…and, at times, so very disappointing.
But in the process, I have had to return to totally depending on Him. He guides me, he comforts me, he confronts me when necessary. He steadies me, he directs me. I didn’t recognize all the ways he was trying to do this before…Though I had set aside food as a numbing agent, the diet soda was the way I numbed myself to pain…and, again, you I couldn’t just numb myself to pain…I ended up numbing myself to everything. I didn’t feel anything quite so much (including pain AND joy…AND the voice of God!).
As my body as been showing me that, left without caffeine to falsify a “revved” metabolism, it needs even LESS food than I was consuming before, I definitely have needed to center my life on God’s grace–just as the quote above says.
I am so thankful that God has been teaching me that my value is NOT in earthly success! I would be flattened, devastated if it were! Instead, he has shown me “in the nick of time” that HE alone defines my worth. During this challenging time where I am feeling betrayed by my body, he has pointed out again and again that this is not about my body at all, but about my heart. (If you have read this blog much, I know that this must be sounding repetitive…but it is a truth I must GET and I pray others will, too! It is so vital!)
This truth that it is about something deeper than my body, instead of that coming across as a rebuke, is actually comforting. I am so THANKFUL that it isn’t about my body!
Also, this notion that my body has “betrayed” me…well, I realized in a fresh way yesterday that it is ME who has betrayed my body…by putting gallons and gallons of chemicals in it for years and years…aspartame and caffeine…I was giving it something that was NOT a good thing at all…in fact, I was leading it to addiction and worse.
I have made an appointment with my doctor. This is a huge step for me. “Dragon Lady” is what I call her. I have decided not to change doctors right now when I need to find out what is going on with me medically that could explain some of the symptoms I have. She knows my history, so that is important. “Dragon Lady” has always had something to say about my weight. She uses shame to try to exact change in her patients. NOT ok.
I go in the week of the 20th to have blood tests so that we can see if a thyroid problem may explain some things. I also hope to be checked for…diabetes. Can you believe it? Oh, my pride is taking a hit in so many ways. I simply have to deal with this.
For years, when people have said, “I eat 0 to 5, but I am not losing weight.” Or “I eat 0 to 5 but I keep *gaining* weight…” I have arrogantly assumed that they were not being honest with themselves. Even yesterday as I spoke with Judy Halliday, I couldn’t wrap my brain around…how can eating 0 to 5 not work, even if there is a medical issue? If my metabolism is thrown off and won’t burn fuel properly, then won’t I not feel hunger as often? She responded “Not necessarily.” HUH? What???? You mean, there MAY be times when a medical issue can get in the way of all I have learned and assumed was always true? That my body’s signals may NOT be reliable???? YIKES!
I guess it is obvious why I must throw myself upon God’s grace again and again. This sort of rocks my world!
I know that I need forgiveness for my arrogant self-righteous attitude toward those who have struggled in the past who may have had a medical issue! :-/
Then there is the side of me that hopes that if I do have a thyroid problem that throwing a pill down my throat will fix everything…EVERYTHING…and get me back into those levis. (I can’t believe I have made Levis into an idol!!!)
But it is about my heart...so even if my body gets back on kilter and is reliable and “trustworthy” again…and even THIN…what about inside of me? Will I have learned anything?
Grace, grace, God’s grace. Oh how I need it!
Throwing myself upon God’s grace…
It is only then that we experience the profound flow of God’s love. It is only then that we can empty ourselves enough to let our silent hunger be filled with all the fullness God desires to grow in us. GTST, p. 132
It is no small wonder that this has been an incredible growing time in my life–a time of changes internally, a time of unmeasured closeness with God. I sense his presence throughout the day and his love just as this quote says. Without the addictions in my life, I NEED and he is there saying “I AM.” He is the constantly flow now…instead of caffeine and aspartame. He is my sweetness and vibrant energy. Better than an artificially stimulated adrenal gland, God’s Spirit pulsates in me…it is a hard process…but filled with fewer extremes as he steadies me on this course. There IS a fullness that I hadn’t experienced before.
When we exchange our weakness for God’s strength, our powerlessness for his power, and pray, “Thy will, not my will, be done,” we find that the healing love of Christ moves in our midst. GTST, p. 132
~ Letting Go of What I have Been and What I Want to Be ~ All my life I dreamed of having horses. When I was 41, I got my dream come true! Four horses just outside my door of my house in the country!
But things haven’t gone so well with living the horse dream.
Yesterday, I decided that I definitely need to make a concrete decision to let go…to let go of one of my horses. As I do that, I realize I am letting go of something I dreamed of being…I dreamed of being “good” with horses. I dreamed of being “enough” to manage any horse…especially Doc. Doc is the horse of the four that we originally bought for me–a horse who was young 6 years ago (only 4 years old)–to “grow old with.” It is time that I admit that this isn’t a match ordained by God conducive to growing old gracefully! (Though, I have more gray hairs now than I did 6 years ago–by a LONG shot! LOL!)
So I have found a place for Doc Tari Zebra to live for a while…hopefully long enough for me to find him a good permanent home. I mean, look at that face! How could I NOT love that face? (Happen to know anyone who wants a grullo horse who is very sweet and cute, too?)
In a very real way, I am making this step to unwrap the grave clothes. See, when I work with Doc–with any of my horses really, but Doc seems to really bring it to the surface–I NEED so much to do this “perfectly.” When Doc gets nervous and really really BIG (he is a large horse anyhow and when a prey animal gets afraid, they get really HUGE!), I find myself shutting down emotionally. I don’t feel fear. I disassociate. I know this is something I learned to do as a kid in an abusive environment. It isn’t a good thing now. Back then, it enabled me to survive. Now it keeps me from being all that Christ wants me to be in Him.
And really? When working with horses, it probably isn’t physically safe either!
So, for that reason and many others, I know that I need to release my grip on this insistence that I “do” the horse thing perfectly. That I release Doc to someone who can help him more effectively. I may love him like crazy…and if a suitable home can’t be found, I am committed to providing for his physical needs for life. But it is high time that I admit that I am NOT what he needs to help him with his fears…and it is ok that I admit that.
My willingness to admit this with my horses, is proof of a deeper work that God is doing in me relative to ALL of my life. I have never worked at something as hard as I have to be “successful” with my horses unless it is my parenting. And I have never felt more like a failure. When you try so hard to do something well and no matter how hard you try, you keep falling short…something has to give. With horses, it can literally be an issue of physical safety.
The purpose of unwrapping our grave clothes is to teach us about our true character. It is here, separated from our accustomed supports and dependencies that we discover how barren our satiated souls really are. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 130
This thing with the horses is proof of this in my life. All of my accustomed supports are missing. The food is missing, the reliance on sweet diet soda with caffeine is missing…before, I seemed satiated…now that those things are missing, I see afresh that my soul really IS barren. It is a good discovery as now I can go about tapping into living water.
No amount of “success” with “difficult” horses will satisfy. It isn’t worth it to give up who I really am and who God is making me to be to fulfill the dream. I am barren, in need, and you know what? I don’t have what it takes! And that is ok! When our true nature is exposed, we face the emptiness and silence within our wrappings. Our arrogance and pride are defeated, and we learn what humble dependence on God means. Stripped of our resources and our addictions, we see ourselves with new eyes and are led toward a new response to ourselves, to life, and to God. GTST, p. 130
How perfectly these words are stated. Suddenly, I don’t have to desperately grab at food again…I can sit for a bit…and it is ok. God IS in charge. God DOES care. He is here, now. In the heart of my need. Isn’t it something that he says His name is “I AM?” I find that fascinating…no matter what my need, lack or desire…he responds to it with “I AM.”
But I had to be stripped naked and vulnerable to see it. I had to gain some weight to realize that I am STILL out of control…that HE alone is in control and that is ok too…that is, in fact, the way I want it!
Last night I noticed a new response to life as this quote from page 130 of the Get Thin Stay Thin book mentions. I was at worship team practice and while the drummer was setting up microphones I was piddling around, tuning my guitar or trying this or that…and at least three different times I said, “I can’t believe I did that…how stupid!” In that instant, I realized I said something self-deprecating and countered (out loud, if you can believe it!) with “I am NOT stupid!” I did that two more times and the drummer laughed, “I guess you have been struggling with beating yourself up!” I had to laugh. But the truth is, how much do I DO this to myself? How many years have I done this? If what the scriptures say is true (and I believe that it is), then “As a woman thinks in her heart so is she…” well, how about I nip that in the bud now…reject the self-condemning remarks and start speaking TRUTH to myself instead? Start telling myself truths like “I am 100% accepted by and acceptable TO the God of this universe, my only righteous Judge and King!”
Yes, responding to things a bit differently…to myself, to others, to circumstances.
We can then allow God to lead us–we surrender to Him. We allow God to feed us–we depend on him. We allow God to give us security–we trust in Him. We allow God to teach us–we listen to him. We allow God to love us–we find our true selves in Him. GTST, p. 131
Who do you present to the world? Who do you think of yourself as being?
I don’t mean being superficial or fake. But I mean really who do you think you are? And how do you present that to others?
These are questions I have had to ask myself lately. I am like one of those giant inflatable “beings” –called “air dancers,” I guess–that are sometimes seen outside of car dealerships. Huge things, they wave and bounce and attract attention, but when the power is cut and the air isn’t flowing through them, they instantly deflate and become what they really are…empty plastic on the ground, flattened, needing to be filled again. The substance is gone.
How like the “air dancer” I feel! Oh, how I want to be filled up with the Lord! That my “dancing” would continue in substance!
God desires that we be shaped and molded into the image of Christ as whole people, not lacking anything. Yet in our woundedness we often defend ourselves against anything or anyone (including God) we perceive to be attacking the false yet fragile self we have worked so hard to create. GTST, p. 129
During those first two years of “doing Thin Within” I created a false self. It was who I was in front of everyone. I wasn’t “faking” anything. It was my “up front,” “on display” personality. It was dependent on performance and results and kudos–lots of kudos from others. When my physical results shifted–for whatever reason–it was like all the air was sucked out of the balloon. There was no longer substance of any kind to the false self. In its fragility it was wiped out. Exposed, even humiliated.
No wonder I felt like “the wind was sucked out of me” when I gained some weight back!
But this is good…I needed to see it for what it was! Now we can get down to business!
You know, when someone has wonderful outward physical “success,” the world really does pull out the stops to shower accolades. I attempted to give God glory…but these were often minimized by well-meaning celebrants. Many urged me to “give yourself credit.”
That is NOT a biblical view, however.
…for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. – Philippians 2:13
It is God who is at work in me. It is His strength and He alone gets the glory. I need to remember this. He IS the substance. It isn’t about me, about my weight, about my food at all. It is about the author and sustainer of all that matters.
God invites us to release this false self and to receive new life, trusting and depending on his loving will. He wants to take our struggle with food, eating, and weight, struggles that have been the “thorns in our flesh,” and use them for our good–to shape and mold our character, to bring us new life and freedom. GTST, p. 129
I know this sounds bizarre, but I am excited about this. I am SO ready for change, for transformation. I met with a friend yesterday and she quoted “When the pain of staying where we are is greater than the pain of change, we will change.” Boy, isn’t that the truth? The pain of staying the same has overcome the pain of change and the adventure is really in hyperdive now.
I choose to release my false self, all right. Take it, Lord!
From Judy Halliday’s heart: God showed me that all my attempts to look good on the outside couldn’t compensate for the flaws and imperfections on the inside. GTST, p. 129
So when the weight was lost, when two national magazines (including Health) did a blurb that gave recognition for my losing 100 pounds, after teaching real-life classes, speaking to groups about how to release emotional, spiritual and physical weight, after cheers from surrounding witnesses, friends, and family members I felt pretty doggone dandy about things. I loved them all for their encouragement and support. Please don’t misunderstand.
But, now the package was wrapped up nicely with a bow and paraded around like a proud peacock.
Having a form of godliness…perhaps… but something was missing.
God wanted to be sure I knew what it was…humility, for starters. An awareness of the remaining flaws and imperfections on the inside. In fact, any time I might start feeling a bit aware of my internal lack, it was so easy to point to the outward physical changes–lost weight–and think, “THAT proves that I am not the same person INSIDE as I used to be!”
That is true…but excuse me…am I in heaven yet? Have I arrived on the other side of the pearly gates? Are my feet still on the dust of this earth? As long as my feet are on this earth, there will be things I need to invite God into the midst of…to FIX, to CHANGE, to HEAL! Pointing at how far I have come is just another way of staying stuck in the past and not relishing THIS present moment! This is a journey. The destination is yet ahead. I am not there yet. 🙂
On a practical note: I have been cutting my portions way back as if I were doing Thin Within for the first time–I need to refine my hunger numbers again. I am getting to know my body all over again. I am filled with optimism and…dare I say it…JOY! It is funny how I feel better physically just by eating a little less food. My jeans (not the Levis…I haven’t tried them on and won’t for a long while) fit better again.
It is also funny that, when I feel this way, the lure of the scale is greater. I want confirmation that I FEEL better? Confirmation that my pants are looser? Does that make sense? I have all the confirmation I need in listening to my body! If in doubt, the Holy Spirit testifies with peace, joy, and confirmation that I am in the heart of God’s will.
Funny how the onlooking crowds can’t see the newest changes or offer accolades, kudos and praises for these changes! These changes are WAY more significant than the 100 pounds being gone!
Again, MY heart knows the truth. My Savior is close and speaks to my soul…”My child…you are doing well.”
The Brothers Grimm tell a tale of a less than perfect creature, “Rumplestiltskin,” who could spin straw to gold. He would take something worthless–the straw–and turn it into something of great value. I won’t butcher the plot of the story by retelling it here, but while Rumplestiltskin was a creature of questionable moral character, he could nevertheless do this amazing feat.
So often, I have thought about how God, who is perfect, holy, good, compassionate, and wonderful, takes the things in my life that may be valueless…or, worse…intended for evil by the Enemy of my soul, and does His amazing transformation… spinning, as it were, my “straw” to gold.
As I have lamented and shared about my struggle to process what is going on with my body and the internal struggles I have been facing, the Heavenly Father has met me in this place. He has been revealing truth to me coupled with his incredible kindness. It is kindness that leads us to repentance (Romans 2:4).
I could never hate myself or my behavior enough to cause lasting positive change…but the Father’s tender kindness woos me to that change. How precious to my heart this is.
In chapter six of Get Thin Stay Thin, the Hallidays speak of this very thing, in fact.
“The only goodness [in addictions] is that they can defeat our pride and lead us to more openness to grace.” Our pride is often defeated by suffering. GTST, p. 128
I am beginning to see this whole thing as a blessing! I mean, this has definitely knocked me down a few pegs! Pride is definitely taking a hit–as it should.
It has caused me to re-evaluate everything…including something so simple as what hunger and satisfied even feels like–and to depend on God to direct me in this. I have had to be ok inside my skin a different size if that is what God’s will for me is…letting go of my favorite Levis in the process if that is his will. (Yes, I believe God cares about even this! :-))
It may take a tremendous shock, an experience of hitting bottom…to dispel the illusion that our lives are perfectly managed, under control, and all together. The pain that shatters our illusion may be the measure necessary to destroy the idols of our dependencies. It may be necessary to reveal the magnitude of our silent, aching, hunger. GTST, p. 128
When I laid down my diet soda idol, I guess I felt I would “bless God” and be blessed in return. It feels, instead, like he has used this offering to shine the light on all my imperfection, inadequacies, and ugly places. (He does this for my good as painful as it may be.) The illusion has been shattered. I have continued to struggle with my pride, not wanting anyone to see that I am not as thin as I was. I have wanted to hide. That is pretty tough to do when, on Sundays, I stand up in front on the worship team! I find it so intriguing that God has coupled this season of struggle in my life with my being on the worship team for the first time in years…I know this is no accident either. In the past, when my weight went up, I voluntarily hopped off the worship team claiming I didn’t want to bring “dishonor to God.” Truthfully, it was pride. I didn’t want anyone to notice that I was out of control…again. I refuse to give in to that temptation this time. This IS a new thing.
God is yet spinning this straw to gold and I can keep focusing on the worthlessness of the straw or wait in anticipation of the gold.
Lord, please let this shattering of illusions not be for nothing. Please let me learn what you call me to learn. Let me recognize and embrace the truth that much of my behavior over the past two years has actually served to stifle the silent hunger. I’ve gotten my identity from “doing Thin Within right,” and releasing weight. I want to experience what you intend, Lord. It isn’t about being thin…it is about so much more. I have said this for so long and now I am learning it in a fresh, deep, sometimes painful, way. Thank you for your kindness, Lord, your love, your provision in this time of need.
What we do when we reach this point of suffering will either result in more pain or unspeakable joy. GTST, p. 128-129 I vote for joy! I choose to anticipate the gold!
We can either become bitter toward life as we see it or become better when we turn to the one who can make us whole. Then suffering becomes an opportunity for grace. GTST, p. 129
The following is a song by Laura Story, called Grace. It is too incredible not to share with you. The words are included in the video, but if you can’t view the video, the words may be found here.
God has been teaching me afresh that this boils down to something rather simple. Easy, NO, simple, yes. It is simply, me, his sheep, listening to him, my Shepherd and responding to his voice. He has been teaching me about myself, my body, and about grace, in a fresh, new way.
The words from the song by Laura Story resonate with me:
As I walk with You, I’m learning what Your grace really means. The price that I could never pay was paid at Calvary. So, instead of trying to repay You, I’m learning to simply obey You by giving up my life to you For all that You’ve given to me.
I have decided that I need to get to know my body again…fresh…as if I didn’t have a history with Thin Within or with my body and eating 0 to 5. So yesterday, I began the process of starting from scratch. Including with the “Bodometer” process, asking God to help me identify my hunger numbers afresh. “What does 0 feel like now?” “What does a 5 feel like now?” “What should I call this sensation, Lord? Is it a 3?” And to begin to eat less food, even if it means I eat more frequently because I get hungry more often. I have stopped listening to the voice of God speaking to me, thinking I knew what I could or couldn’t eat and when based on all my experience. Enough of that! For whatever reason my body has changed and I need to invite the One Who created me to teach me about my body all over again!
Rather than be frustrated, I choose to view this as an exciting new adventure. The thing I don’t get excited about, though, is that I know it means eating less food than I have been for a year…and maybe two! The fact I don’t want to let go of more food to honor the One who let go of his Kingly glory in heaven and his human life on earth to save my soul really tells me a lot.It saddens me…
One thing I rediscovered, though, yesterday as I returned to this process–if I capture THIS moment, if in THIS moment I say no to the flesh and yes to His leading, no to my flesh and die to self…and throw away the food he is leading me NOT to eat (or put it back in a container in the fridge–whatever!)…if I do that in this moment (it takes only a moment to make a choice to obey his leading), then it is followed not by moments or minutes or hours of regret, but it is followed, instead, by moments, minutes and hours of joy delighting in the the fact that I obeyed his call. It is a wonderful exchange!
Continuing in chapter 6 of Get Thin Stay Thin, I read…
God allows us to see the futility of placing our hope and trust in the false idols we embrace. Then he invites us to discover the aching, unfulfilled emptiness at the core of our being and to take the first step toward God-centered healing. GTST, p. 128
Perhaps when I began this leg of the journey in November 2006 (when I began this blog), my focus wasn’t God-centered healing. It was “fix my body”-focused healing. So it wasn’t really healing at all. I really really needed not to keep adding to my head knowledge. I needed to have my body change. I was worried about my health…about waking up in heaven. Seriously. That is what scared me into practical change.
But since that time for whatever reason–noble or not–I have allowed getting a thin body to be an idol and to be my identity. Even before I began to gain weight, God was trying to get me to see that I was in such an arrogant place. I’ve been clinging to idols all through this process. He now calls me to recognize this fact and to:
LAY THEM DOWN…
I grieve this truth. I grieve that I could take something so good and still turn it into something so wrong. Like Judy mentioned in her quote from yesterday…something worthwhile has become graveclothes…the very thing that keeps me bound from experiencing the resurrection life God intends.
There is definitely an aching, unfulfilled emptiness at the core of my being.
But I see the light ahead. There IS hope.
I step toward what you want Lord. I invite you to heal me. I want to be focused on you, Lord, not my jeans, not the reflection in the mirror, not on what my friends call “looking ‘hot,'”…I want YOUR wholeness, YOUR holiness. But, Lord, I DO want to be thin again. I want a body that is fit. I want to be energetic. But I want all of this in a way that you direct with YOU as my focus, depending on YOU to heal me through and through. I want these changes to come forth from inside of me…from within. Genuine…from the inside out.
