I know the blog name is “God is Doing a New Thing.” I think, though, that I take for granted that I have used up all my “new thing” tokens and he is doing the same old thing or a new new thing in someone else this week… 🙂
I had a huge revelation this morning, though.
Let me back up. My accountability partner and dear friend leads a Thin Within group at a church that meets near Sacramento. She has had me speak to her group a couple of times and I have absolutely LOVED being with those ladies. I love sharing time with them and having the privilege of telling them about a few things I have learned being on this journey so long. It has been a delight to my heart.
Last night on the phone, Kim asked me again, “We want you to come again and speak with the group.” I hemmed and hawed and put her off…explaining that I need to find out if this is a season for me to be quiet while God works on me. I figured it would be pride that would keep me yacking in front of others when my size is up from my “final” weight. While I haven’t continued to gain weight–I am holding steady at this size–I feel like…well, a *failure*… and I mentioned to Kim that I don’t want to be a hypocrite. (Yup…I used that word!) We left it at I would let her know when I felt like I could do it. Hmm…
Truthfully, as I thought and prayed about it this morning, my response baffled me a bit. I am working on shaking the approval addiction, fear of failure, and the performance trap…yet what did my response indicate? That I was still caught up in it…very much so.
This morning as I sat praying about how I felt at her invitation I had a “BFO” or “Blinding Flash of the Obvious” strike me…DUH!
This is what I wrote in my prayer journal:
Lord, Kim has asked me to come speak to her group again. Please help me to shake shame as I think that is precisely what I feel. My feeling is how could I possibly speak to these ladies about how to do this thing when I clearly look different than I used to? I mean, what if they notice the 10 pounds? Please help me to know if you want me to go to her class. If you want me to share, then of course I want to! But, Lord, I also don’t want this to feed my Approval Addiction. I don’t want to allow a constant need for approval of others and fear of failure to determine my actions either way. I do feel like a failure…my performance stinks…
…continuing in my prayer journal…this is the part where the light bulb goes on…
…It’s weird because apart from my physical size changing, I sure don’t feel like a failure! I feel like I am doing what YOU want!
Wow…I just realized, Lord…if I could strip away what the scale says or the way my favorite Levis fit…if I could forget about outward appearance for just a moment–I would see something else entirely! I would see that:
I delight to grow and change
I have made and am making hard decisions–for instance to speak out about something in obedience to you, even risking losing approval of others when doing so
I have been practically processing things and obeyingyou–not always perfectly, but definitely in difficult choices!
I have given up an extreme dependence on diet soda that held me in captivity for 30 years!!!!
I like the changes I am making in response to your leadership, Lord!
I am not allowing my need for success with my horses to drive my decisions or determine how I feel about myself any longer. Maybe it isn’t a need any more!
I am doing what YOU say and letting go of the rest.
I am making hard choices, listening to your voice.
I am risking reaching out to love others
I am being authentic…
Do I have this worked out perfectly? No…but wow! That is a great list! I think I like myself for the first time in a long time!!! Thank you, Lord, for all you are doing in me! THIS IS A NEW THING FOR SURE!
…So…WHY let my physical size get in the way of delighting in all you are doing in me? I still fight the fight against the lusts of the flesh. I still try to say no to the cookies when I am not at a 0…and sometimes succeed in saying no!
What a breakthrough for me to see this–that I am experiencing “success” at what really matters. I know that if this IS my set size…the size YOU want me to be…I am OK with it. It is ok. How I look compared to how I used to look isn’t the most important thing…it is what you have done and are doing in my heart that matters. I am no longer enslaved by the lust of my flesh that kept me drinking copious quantities of addicting and damaging chemicals… PRAISE YOU, LORD! And thank you for the safety of an incredible accountability partner who esteems me, but speaks TRUTH to me. THANK YOU.
===
So, as you can see, this is a huge breakthrough. I am not sure, yet, what it will mean about when I will share with Kim’s class, but I see now that Satan was trying to convince me that it was pride that would cause me to want to share. The truth is, it would be SHAME keeping me from it… Another lie from the pit of hell has been rendered IMPOTENT by the power and truth of Christ! Praising his name!
–> How about you? Is there any way that you are wearing ungodly shame and calling it something else? Are there things God has been doing in your life as you travel this road that you are overlooking because you are fixating on your physical appearance? Yes, we want to be healthy physically, but what is eternal is something much deeper. God works both, but sometimes it may be the long way around…he is after the heart *now* and the physical body will follow.
–> Can you relate at all to my struggle? Have your favorite pair of jeans become an idol and you will do anything to be able to wear them? Has a number on a man-made bathroom scale become your measurement for “success?” Is what size you are or what you weigh more important than releasing obsession, addictions, and unhealthy practices? It sure has been for me…I am so thankful for God’s grace that has exposed the lies…and that continues to to so. So many blind spots, even still! It amazes me!
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. -2 Corinthians 10:4-5
But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ… 2 Corinthians 2:14a
Life seems crazy these days. I have been tired and so my time in the morning has been short before the day begins to place its demands on me. I haven’t had time to sit and blog like I would like to. I love my early mornings with the Lord, and sleeping “in” until 6:30am has eroded the leisurely time I usually have with all quiet in the house.
Yesterday, as the day got rolling, I found myself irritable without explanation. I was desperate for some time away from demands of the home, the kids, the phone. I knew it called for one thing…time on my horse. 🙂 I am so blessed.
I needed not just time with my horse, but time up on the ridge. So, I planned on riding up there to where I can see the Sierra Nevada mountains covered with snow and the river below. My spirit and soul needed to be restored and I always experience God’s healing touch in my heart and soul when I am out there. I also planned to hike up to the top so that Breezy wouldn’t have to haul me up there, given he is a bit out of shape after the weather has benched us for the past 3 or 4 weeks! I wanted the exercise. It DID feel good to move!
As I was hauling away with Breezy in the trailer I realized I was FAMISHED! Yikes! It was only 10:30 in the morning, yet there I was hungry and leaving the last opportunity for food behind for at least a couple of hours! Oh well. I figured I would survive it. (This is huge…5 years ago, the thought would have sent me into a panic. It still can these days, too!)
With the beauty of the day (it was 65 degrees!) and the crystal clear sky, the company of a great horse :-), lots of fresh spring grass, I didn’t think of food again until we were hauling home 2 hours later! I actually forgot all about food. At 1pm I had a great lunch…taste buds all “perky” since I was so hungry!
It was interesting to me how important food had seemed when I was driving off, heading toward the staging area where Breezy and I would ride…and how easily I forgot about it as I got involved in something I loved and needed. I love to pray on my solitary rides…I sometimes lift my hands in praise and sometimes sing a praise song or hymn or two! “How Great is our God” goes great from the top of a mountain when the snow-capped Sierra’s are in view! I am so blessed. I live just 15 minutes from the trailhead where Breezy and I hiked! (As you can see in the photo, he didn’t have to wait to have something to eat!)
Here is a photo, though it was taken before we reached the top! Funny how I didn’t even think of food when my heart and mind and soul and spirit (and body!) were caught up in other wonderful things! Lesson here for me! 🙂
When I grow up, I simply HAVE to meet this lady in person and go to Disneyland with her. Here is a link to a post from her blog that is SO right on the money. Be blessed, challenged, convicted, encouraged, as you read! Bookmark or Google Reader her site so you can keep up with her journey. GREAT stuff there! She has a great sense of humor, too!
Think for a minute about a counterfeit…counterfeit money or counterfeit jewelry or a counterfeit of a great work of art. Designed to look, act, seem to be the real thing, there is one small problem with a counterfeit–it isn’t the real thing. It doesn’t cut it. On the surface, sure–all appears in place. But not once you get deeper. Just as it would be appalling to welcome an impostor disguised as someone you know and love into your home, it misses the mark when we welcome counterfeit means of meeting deep needs of our hearts with fakes, counterfeits, “impostors.”
God declares you worthy of love, connection, and intimacy as His precious children for whom he sacrificed his only son. Your security, significance and self-worth are firmly established in this truth. As his children, your need to be valued, cared for, appreciated, and connected to another is rooted and grounded in God’s love. Get Thin Stay Thin, p. 99
It is a God-given need to experience intimacy, connection, and worth…God has gifted us with this desire and its proper fulfillment… GTST, p. 99
If I think about this for a minute it really isn’t where I live. This need for these things. Well, it seems like a curse more often than a gift. Left unfulfilled, it results in pain…and that is why I turn to things to not feel.
The key is proper fulfillment.
What is “proper fulfillment?”
If I can discover that, I know the drive to “numb out” wouldn’t be there! The counterfeits wouldn’t be so appealing as the real thing would more than suffice!
The authors of Get Thin Stay Thin point out that in our families of origin, these needs were not only often left unmet, but we received messages that actually countered God’s truths. Most of us were in dysfunctional families…people did their best, perhaps, but nevertheless, they sent us messages that we interpreted as devaluing. We began to believe we were deficient, valueless…and shame may have begun to grow very early. We may believe we don’t “deserve” the good things in life as a result.
Last night, when I was meeting with my accountability partner, God revealed that he had shown us both the same thing…there is a core belief operating that comes (for me at least) out of my dysfunctional upbringing. It is a belief that flies in the face of GOD’S TRUTH.
The false belief (lie) that:
I do NOT deserve to be thin, healthy, and happy.
I used to discount this notion… the notion that I embraced this false belief. It sounded like so much psycho-babble, frankly.
But working through the Get Thin Stay Thin book (what used to be Thin Again and Silent Hunger), I realize it IS true. The messages communicated to me growing up were that I was a mistake, a bother, a lot of trouble and unwanted. Somehow, I have taken a hold of that and turned it into a definition of my value or worth now…and if I have little value or worth, I definitely don’t deserve a happy life…or a rich, blessed life…a joy-filled life and anything “good.”
As a result, I have been desperately trying to sabotage all that God has been trying to work in me and through me. I lost the weight that I did probably by sheer determination–a “Just Do It” mentality–but I have been battling keeping the weight off, sabotaging everything…so now God is showing me the truth behind the following words in the Get Thin Stay Thin book:
God calls us, through the most basic function of our daily life, to look deeply into ourselves, to look beyond a simple change in our size or outer appearance: He wants to transform us from the inside out for eternity. GTST, p. 117.
This is about so much more than losing weight and keeping it off!
There is no condemnation (Romans 8:1). God sent His son into the world not to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him (John 3:16-17).
But I keep condemning myself!
If we believe at all that we aren’t *worthy* of having a healthy physical body, or of enjoying being thin or something related..we may very well continue to sabotage our own efforts.
For me this comes back to allowing the Lord to renew my mind with HIS truth. Replacing those lies I embrace with HIS truth. Rejecting my old unworkable beliefs. He says I am worth dying for. Certainly HE defines my worth as being that beyond anything I could fathom given the price he paid to redeem me…It is stunning to consider.
I am working on changing what I believe as I know that beliefs affect my actions…the very actions that I don’t understand about myself…derailing my efforts to honor God with my eating and drinking. To grab at the counterfeits when I know they are impostors masquerading as satisfaction.
Lord, please help us to embrace truth about our value and worth in your sight. I pray that we might reject the lies of the enemy that keep us wallowing in a place from which you have set us free. We think we don’t deserve to leave our prison cells. So, even though the chains have fallen and the doors are open, we stay in our cells, frittering away our lives, beating ourselves up, convinced we deserve that or less. Oh, Lord, we must reject these things. Help us to allow you to lift our eyes…to see the doors are wide open, you have set us, the captives, free! You have chosen to attribute to us Christ’s righteousness. We aren’t just forgiven. We have been given the righteousness of Christ. Because of your declaration and all you have accomplished, we “deserve” all the blessings that go along with the inheritance of your precious son! Oh, what a great amazing gift this is! May we walk in the splendor of the calling we have received! May we reject lies and embrace YOUR truth…step into the freedom you have for us. Help us to believe the truth, Lord. In the Name of Jesus and for His Sake, Amen.
I wanted to share how I have been using this chart. The first example is Sunday’s chart.
Date: Sunday 02-15-09
Time
Start
#
End
#
Observations
Corrections
8:30am
0
5
Almost got distracted enough while I was eating to eat past satisfied.
Remain vigilant and focused, praising the Lord for my food when eating… 🙂
Noon
0
5
Should have planned. The meal wasn’t as “pleasant” as it could be…and I fear it won’t be sustaining.
Will plan the meals a bit more.
Will sit down at the dinner table!
3:20pm
1
3
I think this “hunger” was “yucky taste in my mouth” hunger.
I should have tried a mint. Instead I had POTENT salsa (homemade) and chips. I will be garlic and onion breath for a few hours now…
5:00pm
1
7
I stopped at an appropriate stopping place. Waited…then ate the rest of one enchilada.
Go back to the practice of asking for a take out box to be served WITH the meal. That way, I can scoop stuff into it before I even start eating…planning to eat only a small portion of what is served (all I need). I had forgotten about this!
8:00pm
1
1
Intense hassles with ____ not handled well.
Need to take this stuff to God ahead of time.
9:15pm
1
5
Still should have processed how I felt. I WILL do this. BEFORE it happens.
The following is Monday’s chart:
Time
Start
#
End
#
Observations
Corrections
8:30am
0
5
~
~
Noon
0
6
* Limited myself on the # of fries I ate. YAY!
* Stopped eating before everyone else had. YAY!
– Ate too fast.
– Was thirsty at the end of the meal and drank soda…putting me over the 5 that I had stopped eating at.
– I must continue to work on slowing down my eating. Putting down my fork or, in this case, doing something else with my fingers (it was all finger food) might be a good idea. In the past, I have gotten up to use the restroom in the middle of the meal to give my stomach time to process the meal. That helps.
– I need to keep in mind that I don’t want to have more soda than one small cupful. I either need to drink water, too…or not drink anything until the end (not preferable…) or…Actually, eating slower will probably help me space things a bit better. Having less salty foods might help, too.
6:00pm
0
5
* Chose to have partial portion of dessert and the rest later. GOOD! 🙂
~
9:45pm
0
5
~
~
I had more success keeping my eating between 0 and 5, but notice that I included POSITIVE “observations” as well. I wanted to recognize and share with my accountability partner some of the *good* choices that I made…
Anyhow, again, I hope this helps. We really do need to give credit to the Lord for the many ways he is working inside of us. Each time I say no to the flesh and deny myself, I am investing a bit more in what HE desires for me for all of eternity. The cool thing is, with God’s economy, when I “slip up” or “mess up,” it doesn’t negate all of the moments that I have made good choices. Not at all. Thinking that a “slip up” ruins the day is a vestige of my dieting days. The truth is, any time I capture this moment, this choice for the Lord, he makes it count as an investment in something much greater! THIS MOMENT MATTERS! 🙂
Who wants to experience pain? Not most of us, certainly. I am no different than most. So I know that it is understandable that during the years I was growing up, I used means and methods that I could to numb the pain of living in a dysfunctional family.
I continue to this day to tend to rely on those, only now, now that I am no longer a child, now that I am responsible and aware of what the Lord desires in my life, I know that to rely on these coping mechanisms is less than what he intends for me…or is sin. (Not a very popular word, “sin.” It just means less than what God intends–falling short of his plan.)
Here are yet more thoughts on Get Thin Stay Thin, chapter 4 =======
Where once our struggle with food, eating, and weight served as a coping mechanism, a way to survive emotional pain, now as we begin to heal from our past hurts, we establish a godly sense of our identity and worth and open ourselves to new ways of dealing with feelings and relationships. Then the true miracle occurs. Where once we experienced an unsanctified hunger (our appetite) based on the lust of the flesh, we now begin to experience a sanctified hunger–the hunger for God’s love, intimacy, and the transformation of our hearts. GTST, p. 92
I am seeing afresh that in order to go through this process, I have to be willing to sit a while with the pain–to feel it. It isn’t pleasant. But it is necessary. As I feel the pain, I am able to turn to the Lord and ask Him what his intention is for it. He can use it for my spiritual formation and growth. The very reason he allows pain into my life will not be thwarted. When I numb out to the pain I feel, I keep myself from that which he intends to use the pain to accomplish. This means that sooner or later, he will need to bring it along again (and again…and again…) until I allow what he intends. Coping mechanisms keep me from HIS best. I am at a place where I really would like to learn what he wants and press on to whatever is next! Enough with messing around!
Where once we wanted only to lose weight, we now begin to experience a sanctified hunger–the hunger for God’s love, intimacy and the transformation of our hearts. Where once we wanted only to lose weight, we now begin to recognize and desire God’s greater purpose–not simply to constrain our doing (our eating) by the law, but to conform our being (our character and intention of our hearts) by grace. GTST, p. 92
So many of us, even as we “commit” to this process of eating when we are hungry and stopping when we are no longer hungry–yes, even those of us who leave dieting behind forever (YAY!)–allow ourselves to hyper-fixate on the scale or on losing weight. I know I have done that and do even now. But the truth is, this isn’t about losing weight. It is about so much more. Something eternal. God has so much more for us than to be tormented by food and weight. He is after a character overhaul.
When my family and I bought four horses all at once (new horse owners…I do NOT recommend doing this!) six years ago, we had dreams of riding off into the sunset together. Our family would be *happy* and enjoy hours and days on the trail with our steeds! The reality is, we have never once been on the trail together with these horses. We bought three that couldn’t be ridden by beginners (which three of my family members were at the time) and one of those three was dead lame. The road has been long, hard, and extremely disappointing (not to mention expensive!).
As noble a desire as it was to have family time together on the trail, God has had something much more in store by allowing this trial in our lives. He has been using this situation for these past 6 years to form and shape our character, to teach us to look beyond our little plans and schemes to a greater good that he has in store.
Several times a day when my mind wanders toward food, I am reminded of my extreme dependence on the Lord–of my need for Him, of His provision, of His plan. God has taken something so mundane as my need for physical sustenance and used it to bring home that I am totally dependent on His grace. He is definitely after something bigger and deeper than my arriving and staying at my “natural God-given size.” I miss it if I make this be about my physical body or “looking good” in a pair of jeans.
We savor the silence, the peace of God’s presence. Our lives change from being filled with guilt, worthlessness, and shame to being spontaneous and filled with the fruits of the Spirit–peace, hope, love, and joy. We find security and significance as God satisfies us with the goodness of his presence. We are restored to our rightful purpose and our true home. GTST, p. 92-93
To me, these things are worth so much more than being in the “skinny jeans.” I want to know what it is like to be “ok” sitting in the silence of God’s presence, to be able to rest in peace, to experience the joy of HIS satisfaction instead of that constant longing. I relish the day when I have learned these lessons, that my significance is based not on having and maintaining the approval of others, but in knowing that the LORD alone defines who and what I am and my value and worth!
Let me back up. My accountability partner and dear friend leads a Thin Within group at a church that meets near Sacramento. She has had me speak to her group a couple of times and I have absolutely LOVED being with those ladies. I love sharing time with them and having the privilege of telling them about a few things I have learned being on this journey so long. It has been a delight to my heart.
Truthfully, as I thought and prayed about it this morning, my response baffled me a bit. I am working on shaking the approval addiction, fear of failure, and the performance trap…yet what did my response indicate? That I was still caught up in it…very much so.
…So…WHY let my physical size get in the way of delighting in all you are doing in me? I still fight the fight against the lusts of the flesh. I still try to say no to the cookies when I am not at a 0…and sometimes succeed in saying no!
