…Binge-Eating Couch Potato or Wholesome-Food-Eating Gym Rat?
Those of us who have struggled with food, eating, body issues for much of our lives need to be careful not to allow ourselves to be deceived as we search for an answer to our “problem.” Many of us live at one end or the other of a continuum. At one end, we obsess about food and eating the delectable treats we enjoy with abandon–without caring about what God has to say about the matter, being gluttonous and greedy. Rarely living anywhere between the two extremes, following some moment(s) of huge conviction or an experience where we come face to face with how out of control we are, we fly to the other end of the continuum, and earnestly manipulate and control our food, limiting the quantity in an extreme way (even to the point of denying physical hunger), weighing and measuring, charting and graphing obsessively, exercising compulsively. In this place, we live in fear if life is temporarily too busy or we feel too under the weather to maintain our exercise regimen for a day and need rest, or we worry we will gain ten pounds overnight (literally) if we “give in” to Mom’s home-made chicken soup (how can we, after all, count the calories in home made chicken soup? etc…).
I hope this comes across with intensity:
For me, in my life, these behaviors have been the same ungodly obsession, but with a different appearance. They may make me appear godly, but it really is just another way of indulging in the same sinful pattern in my life–fixating on my bodyand on food.
There is nothing wrong with exercising or being aware of what I put into my body, in fact, I believe these are great things! But I have learned over a long period of time that the Lord Jesus wants to break me free from an obsession in ALL it’s forms. No, wait…more than that…He already has. It is up to me, as I call on him for strength in the moment to walk in the victory he has already purchased in the strength he provides by the power of His Holy Spirit.
If fear, in any way, is a part of what motivates me, I must invite God to “search me and know my heart, try me and know my anxious thoughts, see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting,” as fear can be an idol. God wants NOTHING but His own presence and Holy Spirit to direct my steps!
Rather than fear being fat, I must hate sin! In *all* its forms!
The diet fanaticism and gym-rat mentality that has characterized me in the past, is out of his will for me:
Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world,
why, as though you still belonged to it,
do you submit to its rules:
“Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!”?
These are all destined to perish with use,
because they are based on human commands and teachings.
Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom,
with their self-imposed worship,
their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body,
but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence.
– Colossians 2: 20-22
Because of the tendency I have to get self-righteous, legalistic, prideful and to “just do it,” I know that as soon as I begin to speak of “taking responsibility,” “caring for my body as the temple of God,” “being a good steward of the body He has entrusted to me,” and other Christian “good health” catch-phrases, I have to be especially wary. I can allow a good, godly motive to carry me away into a place that is equally compulsive, sinful, dark, and displeasing to God as when I sit on my rear and binge time and again.
What makes it even more of a challenge, though is:
One approach, our world praises! The other, our world looks upon with disdain.
One approach, leads me (usually) to have a physical appearance that the world admires. The other, often leads me to have a physical appearance that the world rejects.
God isn’t a “factor” in this equation at all, let alone the sole motivator!
The question is, what is God speaking to my heart, today, right now, in this moment? What does He want? To what does He call? What will obedience to my Lord and Savior look like in this moment? In this hour? In this day? In this week?
I hope you will share what God has laid on your heart. I would love to hear from you. I will write more about this in the days ahead.
As I mentioned in my previous “Is this all there is?” blog post, the disciples lamented the end of Jesus’ earthly ministry. Disappointed that he was not coming as conquering king, being crucified as a common criminal was not on their list of ways to “win friends and influence people!” In fact, with their fixation on what they assumed was God’s plan, they almost missed the really BIG thing…the HUGE, ETERNAL thing that God was doing! …and that was that righteous, perfect, holy Jesus–God in the flesh–become sin for us so by embracing Him we might become the righteousness of God. Jesus’ coming to earth as a babe, living life on earth in the flesh, having a ministry for three years, dying on the cross and RISING again …. none of that was about setting up an earthly kingdom (much to their disappointment!). It was about something so beyond that!
Like those earliest disciples and apostles of Jesus, I often miss the point. I am so fixated on my body and wanting to look a certain way that I miss what God is doing through the times I cry out to him, through my sometimes weak attempts to obey him. I miss the fact that, through my continued engagement in this battle, He is doing a HUGE, SIGNIFICANT, ETERNAL thing in my heart. When I, day in and day out, struggle to surrender my eating to the Lord and strive to eat within godly parameters, but then look with disappointment at my body…”I still don’t LOOK the way I want to! WHEN will I finally be DONE with this? When will I be my ‘natural God-given size’ and stay there without struggling any more?” I miss the point. Plain and simple. This isn’t what it is about. This isn’t why Jesus has come into my life.
He isn’t here to be a “diet remedy that works.” He is about something SO much MORE!
At the time of Jesus, God’s focus wasn’t the Romans…he allowed them to continue to be in authority. This doesn’t mean he condoned it or condemned it. It just meant it wasn’t the point of Jesus’ coming.
Same, too, with me…Jesus has “come” into this aspect of my life. He has invaded my eating, my thoughts of my body, what I struggle with. He doesn’t condone or condemn my size, shape or physical condition. His point isn’t to make me thin, or, even, to give me good health…In fact, as uncomfortable as it may make me, these things may not even be on His radar screen. While what I struggle with is nothing like being fed to lions or the oppression of the Jews and early Christians, nevertheless, looking back to that time in history does show me something of the character of God. It may be an uncomfortable aspect of the character of God…
If God’s point wasn’t to deliver the Jews (and later the Christians) from Roman brutality, but something else entirely…if he had a point on which he focused even while all these things that seemed to need to be fixed remained, isn’t it possible that my size or, even my good health, isn’t the point now either? That what IS the point is my heart? God has always been and, I believe, will always be about the heart.
If he allowed the Romans to remain in power and to cause such trials for the godly people of Jesus’ day and at the time of the early church, who am I to think that he will remove all my struggles from me…and make me THIN! Does God really care if I am thin or not? NO! He does care about my heart…that I allow my size to make me sad or to build pride…he cares about that. He wants my heart to belong 100% to him. It has never been nor will it ever be about thinness or physical health. He wants my heart.
This is the foundation of everything that I go through on this earth: God wants my heart. He gave His Son over to sinful man to be crucified, thus demonstrating that He is willing to do anything to get it.
God’s point in allowing my struggles with eating, food, body image, the abuse I faced in my childhood, etc., etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseum :-), is my heart…to give it to HIM. To glorify HIM. To allow HIM to be my portion, my satisfaction. If I give any of my heart away to the hope of being attractive, thin, “whole,” or any of that, it is possible that I miss the point entirely…He wants it all. Therein IS my wholeness. Therein IS my sanity. Therein IS my rest, my peace, my hope, my healing–giving all of who I am to Him. This shall be my pursuit. This shall be my “resolution.”
Tomorrow I want to address the questions that I know this post may raise…like “What about being a good steward of the temple of God, my body, that He has entrusted to me? Doesn’t God care about that?” Hopefully, if you have followed this blog at all or know me from the Thin Within forums, you will know what I think about that! 🙂
When I was a kid, I remember Christmas afternoons after everyone left. We had spent the better part of the previous 24 hours “celebrating” Christmas with food, singing, and PRESENTS…OH!!! The PRESENTS! Aunts, uncles, cousins and, best of all, grandparents, would all gather to shower the kids…there were only three of us…with tons of gifts! SUCH fun!
Yet somehow, after the last car drove away and the house was suddenly quiet except for the sound of my mom cleaning up in the kitchen (and griping about how no one helped with the clean up!), I would invariably find myself under the Christmas tree for a final snoop…to make SURE that no more presents were hiding there under the thick foliage. After all, I reasoned…this couldn’t POSSIBLY be all there was!
Perhaps you have experienced a child (hopefully not one of your own), upon opening all the packages on Christmas Day, turning to you or to another adult lamenting incredulously, “Is this all there is?”
At the end of Jesus’ earthly ministry, the apostles and other disciples of Jesus sort of had a similar view…surely Jesus was going to do something more. They all expected him to top all the miracles he had previously done. He had fed the multitudes and raised the dead, so surely he would conquer the Romans and begin an earthly kingdom! Now would be a good time!
How surprised they were when, at the height of Jesus’ popularity, suddenly, the tables turned…everything flipped around, came to a grinding halt, Jesus was taken away, arrested, beaten and scheduled to be crucified.
“What?! Is this all there is? Surely, there has to be more! Surely, Jesus will defeat Rome now!”
Even daily, I must admit I struggle with an “Is this all there is?” sort of mentality. Do I truly find Jesus satisfying? Somehow, I know in my heart of hearts, if I did, I wouldn’t struggle with overeating the way I do, body image the way I do, or materialism the way I do. I wouldn’t pursue an incessant quest for more or constantly ask “Is this all there is? Is this ALL you are going to do, now, Jesus?”
I believe that one of the reasons that the Lord has allowed me to continue on this path, continue to experience a struggle with this food/eating/body “stuff” is because the most important thing on his agenda isn’t my size, my eating, and not even my physical health. Perhaps it is that he wants me to learn to find him, his presence now…just HIM…not what he gives or what he can do…to be totally 100% satisfying.
This is, I believe, what this journey is about. It is about discovering again and again that Jesus IS sufficient. Or better, realizing this and dwelling in that realization…staying there! Clearly, when God sent his Son into the world on that first Christmas, it was an answer to that human question… “Yes, my Son, Jesus, IS sufficient for all you need.” Whatever the question is, Jesus answers “I AM…”
Will I allow myself to experience the reality of that today? Or will I continue to behave like a spoiled child after all the presents are opened on Christmas Day… “Is this all there is?”
My family and I have just returned from DisneyWorld. Admittedly, one reason why we chose Christmas time for our visit was because we LOVE all the decorations. Although there *were* Christmas decorations, they weren’t in the abundance that we have enjoyed in years past in DisneyLand. Whether this is a DisneyWorld-specific oversight 🙂 or perhaps due to the times changing and people succumbing to the “heat” of critisicm about “focusing” on a Christian Holiday…I am not sure.
What has surprised me is how much I realize–now, in this moment–over the past few years I have heard myself and my family members say “It doesn’t feel like Christmas.” Or lamenting in retrospect, “This year didn’t feel like Christmas.” In fact, when I really stop to ponder it, I wonder how much of this feeling actually motivated our choice to travel to DisneyWorld at the time of year we did. We hoped it would cause it to feel more like Christmas, somehow.
This strikes me as so incredibly hollow. I am convicted, in fact. Why does the number of trees, their sizes, or abundance of lit garlands and ornaments on a tree or if lights are on the house or if I pick the right music to play on the stereo dictate if it “feels” like Christmas or not? Christmas is about something so…NOT external!
Your beauty should not come from outward adornment,
such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes.
Instead, it should be that of your inner self,
the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit,
which is of great worth in God’s sight.
~ 1 Peter 3:3-4
This morning, this passage reminded me that I allow my perception of my body (an outward thing) color whether or not I feel beautiful. I spent time praying about what a gentle and quiet spirit might actually look like outwardly…and it is funny…these inward things will have an outward appearance or Peter wouldn’t have said what he said here.
Then I realized it…I do the very same thing with Christmas that I do with everything else…I focus on outward things rather than inner things…things that matter most. That is why it doesn’t feel like Christmas to me unless there are “adornment” (ornaments, lights, etc) and gold jewelry (the gold beads I like to put on the tree…) or tons of decorations at Disneyland or everywhere I look.
The truth is Christmas is about an inner quietness, peace and…salvation that will have external ramifications, but it isn’t something that lights, music, and even nativity scenes can generate. Jesus condescended from on high…he chose to allow himself to be wrapped in the weakness and frailties of human flesh so that he could live a sinless life and trade his life for ours, his righteousness for our sin, his joy for our shame…he came to earth to suffer and die. Christmas isn’t about decorations, gifts, lights, trees or great times with family at Disney. Sure, these can be a part of things…just like nice clothing and jewelry can be a part of what makes a woman beautiful…but true beauty of Christmas, of a woman, comes from something so much deeper.
Jesus longs to have us with him…forever. He prepares a place for us in our eternal home.
How unlike him we are. When Mary and Joseph looked earnestly for a place for the birth of Jesus, there was no room found OR “prepared” for him. No one was willing to look to the interests of a pregnant woman and her soon-to-be-born child…so Jesus’ birth was relegated to the leftovers…to the place only animals lived.
What an incredible contrast!
Jesus prepares us a place in Heavenly glory!
I wonder how like those people at the time of Jesus’ birth I am today….those people who shoved Jesus aside, who gave him the leftovers, who wouldn’t say “no” to self to say “yes” to the King.
Where does this tendency show up in my life?
Just who do I think I am??? And Who do I think Jesus is?
He is the image of the invisible God,
the firstborn over all creation.
For by him all things were created:
things in heaven and on earth,
visible and invisible,
whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities;
all things were created by him and for him.
He is before all things,
and in him all things hold together.
~ Colossians 1:15-17
What does this have to do with my quest to be whole? Everything. There is peace deep in my soul when I submit to authority that is God-ordained. Jesus’ authority in my life is definitely God-ordained. When I say “Yes” to the Lord and “No” to my flesh, it may be hard, but there is peace that surpasses all understanding. He IS King. Will I live as if He is?
My family and I are still in the #1 vacation destination spot for families around the world–Orlando, Florida, USA. We definitely picked an interesting time to be here! 🙂 This is the favorite time of families to travel, too! Everybody and ALL their cousins are here right now!
But we have been having a lot of fun. Today is our last full day and tomorrow is our travel day. We make our way back to California in time for Christmas Eve. 🙂
This vacation has given me a lot of insights into myself, my family and…well, it has been really interesting!
I think the most astonishing revelation came yesterday, however. My son and I were pretty exhausted, so we opted to stay at the condo and to take naps and relax. For me, this also included firing up the HUGE whirlpool tub that is in the room my husband and I share. I don’t have a real bathtub at home and I LOVE baths–always have! Since this tub is SO huge, I just started filling it with hot water only, knowing that most condos and hotels rarely have a big enough hot water heater to fill the entire thing…by the time they are filled, typically, the water has gotten cooler. Only one thing is worse than NOT having a bath and that is having a lukewarm one!
Once it was all full, I carefully checked the temperature. It was scalding hot! I guess this place has a bigger water heater than all the others I have visited. I assumed that it would cool down rather quickly as they usually do. So while I waited, undressed, for the water to get a temperature that wouldn’t cook me :-), I noticed that there were mirrors EVERYwhere. Yes, me “buck naked” and mirrors everywhere. NOT a combination I would usually prefer. In fact, I like to AVOID mirrors when I am not happy with my body.
I dared to take a look. Other than the typical middle-aged-yes-I-have-had-two-babies sagging places, what I saw surprised me. I have definitely had a WARPED view of what I look like in my mind. I am relatively sure that there is nothing about ALL the mirrors in the master suite that is designed to make one feel thin (you know, like the carnival mirrors that make you look tall and thin, or short and fat…).
Instead, I think I had a moment of clarity…my mind was in a good place, so was my heart…and I saw…dare I say it…what was real? And what was real was, yes, I am not as thin as I was a couple of years ago, but by no means am I at the place that I have assumed. I look “fine.”
Of course, I want my mind and heart healed in such a way that I not only see what is real, but also where I am at a place where my body never is a cause for shame. It is not God’s intention at all that my body–no matter what the size or shape–be a cause for shame or disdain. That simply is NOT his will!
Eating on vacation has been good for me, too. I have been enjoying focusing on enjoying my family instead of food. Food is MUCH cheaper when we share meals — and we end up satisfied. Two regular meals each day (eaten 0 to 5) with two smallish snacks (that are probably less filling, but cheap and on the go at DisneyWorld eaten about 0 to 3 or 4, just to tide us over) really does work and keeps things cheaper.
Another revelation I have had while on this trip is that even the size 16 jeans I bought before leaving…they are too big for me. I think they “run big.” I know they run bigger than the 100% cotton Levis I prefer to wear. And, in fact, the black version of the same Lee jean fits just fine…but I have three pairs of pants with me that I have worn. All claim to be the same size. All fit differently. So, really…what is the number attached to the jeans anyhow? It is clearly as arbitrary as the bathroom scale.
I look at all the family pictures and I think I can see what is really there…and can actually say…”It is well with my soul.” At least today. One more step toward wholeness! Hallelujah!
I keep coming back to this…when my heart is right, when I have released my tendency to cling to food, when I pursue godliness in my eating, I end up having a better feeling about myself, my body, everything. My body is no different than it was on day one of our trip when I posted the thing about shame here at the blog. What is different is my heart…and I see with different eyes because of it.
Those of us who have struggled with food, eating, body issues for much of our lives need to be careful not to allow ourselves to be deceived as we search for an answer to our “problem.” Many of us live at one end or the other of a continuum. At one end, we obsess about food and eating the delectable treats we enjoy with abandon–without caring about what God has to say about the matter, being gluttonous and greedy. Rarely living anywhere between the two extremes, following some moment(s) of huge conviction or an experience where we come face to face with how out of control we are, we fly to the other end of the continuum, and earnestly manipulate and control our food, limiting the quantity in an extreme way (even to the point of denying physical hunger), weighing and measuring, charting and graphing obsessively, exercising compulsively. In this place, we live in fear if life is temporarily too busy or we feel too under the weather to maintain our exercise regimen for a day and need rest, or we worry we will gain ten pounds overnight (literally) if we “give in” to Mom’s home-made chicken soup (how can we, after all, count the calories in home made chicken soup? etc…).
Because of the tendency I have to get self-righteous, legalistic, prideful and to “just do it,” I know that as soon as I begin to speak of “taking responsibility,” “caring for my body as the temple of God,” “being a good steward of the body He has entrusted to me,” and other Christian “good health” catch-phrases, I have to be especially wary. I can allow a good, godly motive to carry me away into a place that is equally compulsive, sinful, dark, and displeasing to God as when I sit on my rear and binge time and again.
God isn’t a “factor” in this equation at all, let alone the sole motivator!
