Wow…powerful thought this morning in a bible study I am doing.
This passage, I have read tons of times before:
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. – Hebrews 4:15-16 Yet, this morning, in the bible study I am doing, I am asked this question (which I have never considered):
“According to verse 15, what does Jesus feel regarding our weaknesses?”
Do you see it? It is startling to me.
While I beat myself up for a misstep (or 10), while we are tempted to pull out the club of condemnation for “eating past 5 last night,” while we all tend to bemoan the fact that “I just seem to keep STRUGGLING with this issue! When will it cease being a struggle?”…this verse clearly says…
…the Lord…sympathizes…with our weaknesses.
Wow. Let that wash over you today. I think I will swim in it for a while.
Thank you, Lord. You have reminded me again of how kind you are. I am so humbled by your grace, your love, your mercy. Thank you that you sympathize with my weaknesses. Please help me not to beat myself up about them. Help me to understand that your kindness, your sympathy, leads me to repentance. Leads me to correction, to change…not to berate myself. Thank you for this truth…In your precious Name, Amen.
The past two days have been days of wondering about hunger…”Ok, so when will I be hungry?” I thought that maybe my hunger signals were off as sometimes happens when I am coming down with a cold or have allergies and take meds for it or during certain times of the month…I typically know that the signals are a bit different and evaluate accordingly.
But the difference is, *this* time, there has been no “valid reason.” My own wisdom has evaluated this and figured my body just must need to be TOLD when to eat. Well that is all well and good, but after all this time of seeing how faithful and trustworthy the LORD is and that he has used my body to *reliably* inform me what I need to eat and when…am I really ready to try to justify throwing that out?
Yesterday afternoon, as I was shoveling gravel and working up quite the sweat, I lamented this further, “Lord, my body doesn’t seem to need to eat much these days. What is UP with that? Even though I am more active now that the weather is warmer…WAIT…the *weather* is warmer!!!!”
In that moment, I realized that there IS a reason that my body may not require nearly so much food. Work with me here … do you realize how DISAPPOINTING it might BE for someone like ME to realize she needs even LESS food to sustain her body???? I mean, all this winter, I have been freezing my toochy off. I have burned through an entire wood shed full of wood…Never done that in even THREE winters before! I have been COLD! I realized this winter that not having extra fat on my body and not eating as much…well…it makes me COLD! But I think that may be one reason why I have gotten hungry many many times a day…for just a little bit each time, but I have typically eaten four to SEVEN times each day. Very small amounts, but eating “occasions” nevertheless!
So now that the temperature has been in the low 70s and I am out shoveling gravel, riding my horses, and generally being much more active, my body isn’t needing as much FOOD?
Ok, I am waaaaay disappointed. I must confess. I don’t think I realized just how attached to food I still have been. I mean, I ENJOY those 4 to 7 times each day when I can *justifiably* eat! So NOW what?
I have talked with Judy Halliday about this in the past and she and her husband, Arthur (they are the authors of Thin Within) eat two times each day. They are thin people and I have wondered about how this could be. I know they are relatively active. Well, I think I get it now…it is because they live in a mildler climate than I do and our bodies are even MORE efficient than I had dreamed.
Oh HEAVY SIGH!!!
So, this morning, I am sitting before the Lord, asking Him how I will manage this. The truth is, he has shown me something I needed to see. There is yet work for Him to do in me and to which I must surrender. I want NO master save Him.
Lamentations 3:22-26 says:
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.” The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the LORD.
I have long appreciated verses 22 and 23. But suddenly, verse 24 is taking on new meaning to me, “I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him.'”
I do have to talk to myself about this…I think it is interesting that Jeremiah (who wrote these verses) felt likewise.
And, as much as I may want 0 to 5 to be my “portion,” apparently, this warmer season of life, there may be less food that my body NEEDS. I want to delight in how efficient he has made my body! Instead, I find myself *lamenting* that I can’t justify eating as often as I could during a COLD winter (of course, I have complained about how COLD I have been all winter! Do you see a theme here????).
The LORD is my portion.
And if he is my portion:
Therefore, I will wait…for him…
Ouch. I WILL wait. No questions, No hemming and hawing. No attempts at justifying.
And what will I wait FOR? Will I wait for HUNGER? Will my thoughts turn to “When will I be hungry? I want to be hungry! When do I get to eat? Oh, gosh, when I am hungry I will eat ______ and ______.”
NO! I am not to wait for *hunger*…I am to wait for HIM. In fact, I need not wait! He is here now…he is my PORTION NOW!!! I can “indulge” as much as I desire in HIM.
And as I do, this scripture promises something…
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him…
If I want to see the goodness of the Lord, waiting and hoping in HIM, seeking HIM is where it is found. Not in waiting “obediently” for hunger. Yes, that is a great way to honor the Lord with my *hunger*, but I want to honor him when I am *not* hungry and pining for hunger when I am not hungry isn’t the way to do it…or so it occurs to me. Having a grateful heart that God has made my body SO efficient, delighting in HIM and that HE is my portion…that He will show me His goodness as I seek him and hope in HIM….wow…
Doesn’t that sound like a great deal?
Lord, please change my heart. I see that I am yet so attached to food that I am like a spoiled baby–whining because I won’t get to eat as much as I have all winter…disappointed that I can’t have my food as often. Please change me from within, to delight that you have made my body SO efficient! Lord, keep me healthy and whole…not deceived, of course…but really waiting on YOU to be my FULL portion during those times when my body just doesn’t need food, but my mind and heart wish I did…Please help me to delight in, seek you, wait for you…please show me your goodness. Lord, I choose to wait for your salvation. Your Word says “It is good to wait for the salvation of the Lord.” I choose to wait. Thank you, Lord. In the precious Name of Jesus, Amen.
We are called to suffer. This is the difficult thing about Thin Within–gosh, the difficult thing about following Christ at all!
At first (the freedom phase) we are thrilled that we are free to eat whatever we wish between the parameters of hunger and satisfaction. We delight in what God teaches us about freedom in Christ.
Then, like many of the ladies in my live class discovered this past week…something happens. After three weeks or so, the honeymoon is over. A crashing halt, in fact. We begin to feel…angry, dissatisfied, resentful possibly…The truth is, we are called to forsake sin. We are called to give thanks in all circumstances. Contentment is our calling.
Whenever we deny ourselves what we *want*…what we are feeling a lure or urge to do, say, eat, think, feel, it is suffering. (Ok, some may see that as a wimpy definition of suffering, but if we didn’t think it was so hard we would say no to sin all the time!)
If we just give in to our urges and impulses, it seems like life would seem so much “easier.” But God says in Titus that the same grace that brings salvation teaches us to say no to ungodliness and worldly passions.
On this path, we HAVE to HAVE to HAVE to…say NO to temptations, to what our flesh wants. We have to make costly choices. We have to be willing to deny ourselves.
I hate to say it…I hate that it is true! But the fact is, we are called to live a crucified life. In this way we share in the fellowship of sharing in Christ’s sufferings. We count everything else as rubbish compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ.
He laid down his life. He shed His blood. He forsook His kingship in Heaven to take on the flesh of man that He might share in our flesh and blood and experience humanity…ultimately dying as a servant for sinful man.
I find the following passage HUGELY convicting…
Hebrews 12:1-4 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. [Emphasis added.]
I complain so readily…and yet *I* haven’t yet resisted to the point of shedding my blood…not even close. Wow…When I think of how much I have grumbled during the past two weeks, how apathetic I have been toward sin, how I have allowed food to regain more and more focus in my life…how I have not been vigilant against the enemy. Gosh…I have an ENEMY who has a will for my life. His will for my life is to regain all my weight, experience defeat, failure, and become impotent in my testimony. Satan’s will is that I be a blight on the name of Christ. I WILL CHOOSE TO REJECT SATAN’s WILL FOR MY LIFE. I am renewing my commitment to reject that will…RIGHT now. I want to ask you who read this…will you join me? Will you reject the Enemy’s will for your life? Will you embrace God’s will?
He who knew no sin became sin for us…and suffered accordingly…we are called to identify with him in his death…and say no to our flesh…Oh, this penetrates my heart. Will you join me?
He waits. He receives us! There is NO condemnation in Christ!!!! If we confess our sins he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us of ALL unrighteousness!
Let us arise from the dust. Let us let him trade our sorrows for his joy!
Some come to this blog evaluating Thin Within and what it teaches. Some are comparing it to other programs that seem similar. I shared this at the Thin Within forums, so thought I would put it here.
1 Corinthians 6:12 is pretty foundational to Thin Within. This verse reads this way in the NIV:
“Everything is permissible for me”—but not everything is beneficial. “Everything is permissible for me”—but I will not be mastered by anything.
Thin Within has three “phases.” For some people, these phases are, indeed, a progression. For others, it is more like layers of an onion…they get to a certain “phase” to discover God peels away the onion and they step back and discover a new level to an earlier phase. I will just describe them in a linear fashion though, for simplicity.
First phase is the Freedom Phase. “All things are permissible.” This phase blows the lid off the dieting box! God did not design us to fixate on a number of calories or fat grams per day and to eat without regard for our bodies’ signals. Instead, he designed us to eat in response to the signals of our bodies–the signals that indicate our bodies are physically in need of nourishment and physically no longer in need of nourishment–satisfaction. When we respond to our bodies in this way, any food is permissible. All the “can’t haves” and “do nots” of the dieting world fall away and no longer make us feel condemned! Freedom! No need to worry about fat grams or calorie content. Truthfully, many people LOVE this phase and go a bit bonkers with it. Foods that have been “off limits” for years are suddenly “legalized!” When eating 0 to 5, a person can still eat hot fudge sundaes, pizza, full fat salad dressings and still release weight. It is true!
Most importantly, though, the freedom phase is a time of building building building a foundation of my relationship with the Lord. He teaches me to lean on him more and more–especially as I discover that waiting for hunger is REALLY HARD! I have so many reasons I want to turn to food that now I suddenly see myself as being…well…a bit messed up! LOL! Remove my coping mechanism (overeating) and now I have to deal with my heart…God is there to show me He can be relied upon to help with this process of course. So phase 1 includes learning how reliable He is to help me wait for physical hunger, to heal my heart that has issues that surface and that he can also help me to know when to stop eating.
Phase 1 participants are typically not considering so much the nutrition or benefit to eating one food or another. They are developing that confidence that their bodies are reliable to signal when they need to eat and when they should stop and that God is sufficient for meeting all their needs.
Phase 2 – Discernment Phase is based on the next part of the verse…Since all things are permissible, but NOT all things are beneficial, this implies I need to exercise discernment.
In phase 1, I developed my relationship with the Lord (and I continue to do so all my life long, of course!), but now I begin to evaluate prayerfully …how does He want me to nourish my body? What foods really work best for me? As I ask, He shows! I begin to see that I have a responsibility and this is an awesome privilege! This is when I begin to scrutinize my choices. Thin Within calls the categories I may place foods in Teasers, Pleasers, Whole Body Pleasers, Total Rejects. This is explained in the book in detail.
I still don’t worry about nutrition labels, but some phase 2 folks have the freedom to be able to read labels and use what they know to ask God for wisdom in feeding their bodies. More importantly than food labels, however, I begin to notice what foods cause my body to react in what manner. I still eat only when hungry and stop when satisfied physically. But I begin to see that my body is amazingly efficient! It gets by with so much less food than I ever thought possible, so I begin to want to fuel it with high octane fuel! Like a high performance race car, I begin to see that different fuels will cause performance to vary! With so little food needed, I really begin to make what I put in my body count. I do this with joy and without a sense of deprivation because the foundation established in Phase 1 is still in place. I am free. All things are permissible! I delight to do God’s will and what that looks like for one person will be VERY different than what it looks like for another.
People in this phase may continue to carve out a little space for what have been their favorite foods or “treats” in the past–typically not as much as in phase 1, maybe…like in Phase 1 we may have had a hot fudge sundae for dinner, typically by phase 2 we aren’t doing that so much any more as we have noticed we don’t feel as energized when we do that. (Just as an example.)
Instead, in phase 2, we may reserve some “space” in our stomachs (within 0 to 5 eating) for a small taste of whatever it is we love so much. We continue to delight in our freedom, but we begin to see that freedom means not just free TO eat, but free from having to have whatever it is we used to live for and lust after! Having a smaller amount at the end of a satisfying meal does as much for us as having the entire thing for dinner did in phase 1.
One other thing about the Discernment Phase…phase 2…is we also begin to scrutinize our choices regarding activity or a sedentary lifestyle. We begin to see that this body, God’s chosen dwelling place on earth, can operate best when it is given some activity. In phase 1 we have delighted in the *fact* that we don’t *need* exercise to lose weight (not if we eat between 0 and 5!!!), but we nevertheless realize that we are free to exercise in a godly way…that this is something that honors the Lord when we do it for His glory instead of our own like many of us have in our dieting/exercising pasts. There are so many thin people who aren’t fit…and we realize in phase 2 (if not sooner…LOL!) that we don’t just want to release extra weight, but we want our bodies to be fit temples as well. We want to be able to go up stairs and not be winded. We want to be able to run and play with our kids, go to the snow, go swimming and splash around…go horseback riding…and not feel like our bodies are going through the ringer! We want to be healthy, vibrant and truly as alive as possible for all the days God ordains for us to be on this earth! That all happens as we worship God through moving our bodies! Be it through dancing to praise music, walking the dog, getting silly with the kids, or our every day chores done with a bit more spring in our step…and some, of course, can even do a regimented workout schedule without becoming obsessed. Some can do it with a worshipful submissive heart! (I hope to some day…I am not free in that way yet…)
Phase 3 – The Mastery Phase – is based on the last part of 1 Corinthians 6:12 “I will not be mastered by anything.” Can I say no to hot fudge sundaes? Sure, they are permissible. And I can choose to have some if I wish…but do I have to have ice cream? (Or whatever it might be for any particular person?) The person in the Mastery Phase might discover that the brownies the kids made last week got buried beneath mail on the kitchen counter and never got eaten, even though previously she LIVED for brownies! (Can you tell chocolate has been my big thrill in life? LOL!) While the pan of brownies was in the house, it never has the pull the way they did before. Sure, they are “permissible” and sure she can have some…but it just doesn’t matter any more…she doesn’t have to have brownies or any dessert at all! Or she can slide the chips and salsa away at the mexican restaurant without having any because she would rather enjoy the entree! She is no longer mastered by anything but the Lord Jesus as a general rule of life. (Obviously, no one is completely sinless until the Lord takes us home to be with Him…this is a progression!)
I don’t know if this makes sense…and really, these phases are dynamic, not static. You don’t just “arrive” at Mastery and stay there forever *necessarily*. Maybe some people do eventually. But I have found that some of us may always have a “thorn in our flesh” that causes us to keep needing the Lord to help us through…our desire for food may be what God uses to keep us clinging to Him the rest of our lives…but what a wonderful thing it is for something that once caused so much pain in my life (my overeating) to be used of God to call me to himself again and again…Praise Him for redeeming that which the enemy intended for my constant harm all my days!
When we first try the principles in Thin Within, the thought of stopping eating when we feel merely “satisfied” seems…so…well…UNsatisfying! What are we after when this happens?
“Fullness.”
Physically, many of us have taught our stomachs for years that we only stop eating when we are FULL or, even, miserable. This is clearly beyond what our bodies need and retraining ourselves the truth about this is important (and, yes, it CAN be done!). As we begin to be more sensitive to what our bodies actually require for nourishment (a LOT less food than most Americans consume!) we begin to see we long for FULLNESS at a different level. The scriptures use this word, “fullness” in a number of passages. I thought I would share some of these here today. I hope you are encouraged!
The upshot, however, is: Food will not provide the type of “fullness” that we long for. In fact, if we set aside physical “fullness” our stomachs will thank us, many of our uncomfortable maladies–upset stomachs and difficulty with various bodily functions–may go away or, at the very least, subside considerably.
Not only that, but our spirits will soar. We were created for eternity and that God-shaped hole can only be “filled” with the fullness of our Lord!
Let’s have a look.
John 1:15-17
John testifies concerning him. He cries out, saying, “This was he of whom I said, ‘He who comes after me has surpassed me because he was before me.’ ” From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another. For the law was given through Moses; grace and truth came through Jesus Christ.
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“From the fullness of his grace we have all received one blessing after another!” Glorious truth!
Note what it is NOT. It is NOT fullness from eating all the steak and shrimp that I could possibly want or having free access to a full pantry without guilt…that is not the fullness spoken of here! It is the fullness of His grace that provides our souls with the unending satisfaction of blessing upon blessing. Let’s go to Him to experience THIS fullness!
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Ephesians 1: 22-23
And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.
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Jesus is our fullness. He fills everything in every way–including our souls, spirits, emotions…whatever empty place we may have deep within us, he will FILL. Isn’t that amazing?
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Ephesians 3:16-19
I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. —
In Christ, because of the love of God, I am filled to the measure of all the fullness of God!
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Ephesians 4:11-13
It was he who gave some to be apostles, some to be prophets, some to be evangelists, and some to be pastors and teachers, to prepare God’s people for works of service, so that the body of Christ may be built up until we all reach unity in the faith and in the knowledge of the Son of God and become mature,attaining to the whole measure of the fullness of Christ.
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We have gifts given us by the Holy Spirit. As we allow fellow believers to minister to us and as we minister to others, we grow in our relationship with Christ (instead of our body size) and we become more mature…reaching forward to the “whole measure of the fullness of Christ.” Fullness that isn’t unhealthy, that doesn’t cause our bodies to become obese, but that give us an overwhelming satisfaction in the Lord…what a wonderful truth!
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Colossians 2:8-10
See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the basic principles of this world rather than on Christ. For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and you have been given fullness in Christ,who is the head over every power and authority.
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Oh, how I hope this encourages your heart! The next time we find ourselves disgruntled about how little food we are eating, let us praise God for the fullness that He supplies us in Christ! We have been given FULLness in Christ! Praise His Name!
The wonderful thing about this is that we CAN be FULL all the time! As we allow HIM to be sufficient…as we go to Him to invite Him to be our all…whatever we need and, more, even what we want…and beyond…He WILL supply that fullness of heart, soul, mind that truly sustains.
I believe it. Admittedly, I don’t always live like I believe it, but I have experienced it enough to know it is true.
When I am tempted to eat when I don’t have a physical need for food…when I turn to food looking for “fullness,” if I can capture the moment for Christ and, instead, invite Christ to help me to experience the fullness that I have in Him…well, it *does* make a difference!
I talk so much about Breezy and Harley…well, this is Doc Tari. He is only 9. He is not sound…his hocks (back legs) were degenerated with advanced bone spavins and arthritis before he was even 5–he came to us that way (no, he wasn’t supposed to be lame, but he was…). We don’t know if he has arthritis throughout his entire body…like his shoulders, front legs, in his back…but we have had surgery on his back legs. We had one good year of riding after that. Then he began to be in pain again…and he bucked to relieve the pressure. That let me know that his legs (or something) were degenerating again…sure enough. Anyhow, here is the big boy…
His job now is to look adorable (which he does very well) and to give nuzzles and receive kisses on his very soft nose. I think he would love to get out on the trail again, though. I may pony him out this coming week…but I have to practice at home first. If he enjoys being out as much as I think he may, it might be quite an exciting experience!
His back didn’t seem sore today when I palpitated it. I thought for a minute about giving him some bute (anti-inflammatory) and saddling him…working him on the line…to see what might happen. I don’t know.
With the way things went with Harley today on the trail, I really found myself missing Doc more than ever. Doc, though young, was always so SANE out there. He isn’t wired like Harley is. Even though green, whenever I went out on Doc I could just sit on him like a big ol’ comfy couch and head on down the trail. It was sooooo nice. He really was calm and even keeled…until the pain got bad again.
Anyhow, isn’t he gorgeous? So sweet, too. He loves people.
I wonder what God wants me to do with this boy…if I am supposed to try riding him…take him out for a walk…or…?
I have even looked into two retirement homes for him. One is in Kansas and the other in Wyoming. He would get to be turned out and get to be a horse. I just can’t imagine him being so far away from us, though…
It seems odd that my son is riding Dodger, our mustang, again. That means three of our four horses are being ridden right now. No, it isn’t ideal. Harley is still a twirling dervish and Dodger is scared out of his skin over lots of things…but…it still is ironic to me…Again, I wonder about Doc.
I wonder what lesson there is in this for us. God has used my pets to teach me so very much about myself and about His character. I don’t want to miss what He wants us to do with Doc. As one friend said, isn’t it something that God would take a dirty 1200 pound animal and make it so that by throwing my arms around his neck and breathing deeply in the smell of his mane my soul would be refreshed? How is it that God can do that? It is amazing to me…
I am sort of logging my activity/exercise at the Thin Within forums in the exercise accountability forum (in the journals section).
My primary goal is to honor the Lord in my heart and to love Him with my heart, soul, mind and strength…not to allow exercise, my body or ANYthing to become the focus–except for the LORD. This is a challenge for me given my dieting/exercise compulsion history.
Some may wonder what I do for activity…did I lose 100 pounds with a regimented exercise program? Is that how I keep it off? NO NO NO! LOL! I just ate when I was hungry and stopped when I wasn’t. (I keep doing this to keep the weight off…) I even continued to eat crazy things like cinnamon sticky buns with extra icing and hot fudge sundaes…It is true! I won’t eat them unless I am hungry, though…same as other food!
Anyhow, here is my “exercise” for this week!
Sun – none – other than typical pony keeping chorese
Mon – * Trimmed 8 pony feet (this is rigorous and very challenging!) – 1 hour * Moved 3 bales of hay (100 pounds each) and cleaned out the hay shed… 1 hour * Spread hay 3x across the hillside forest for the ponies’ breakfast, lunch and dinner 3 x 10 minutes
Tues – * Trimmed 4 more pony feet – 30 minutes * Worked with my son and Dodger – 10 minutes of walking (followed by sitting and watching how well they did together without me! ) * Two hour ride on The Harlinator(my horse)…this was a ride of a lifetime…absolutely phenomenal….very active…Not at all “sitting” like some people imagine horseback riding! LOL!
Weds – * 1 hour ride on The Harlinator…he made me work REALLY hard…stinker pot.
Thurs – * None other than “typical” pony chores – though I did help an acquaintance with saddling stuff…saddling and resaddling horses, getting on and off..not much, but a bit.
My pony chores are a bit extreme. One of these days I simply MUST do a part 2 of the Busy Horsewoman’s Workout video series! LOL! I did have 8 TONS of gravel delivered. I should be moving it with a wheelbarrow and shovel this weekend…so…that will be my exercise for Saturday!
Fri – * 1 hour ride on Breezy and his friend, Pete the Percheron (for only a few minutes…). Walked for part of this to be with my friend. Pete the Percheron was NOT into the experience and had to be gently coaxed along…LOL!
Sat –
* 2 hour ride on The Harlinator….and boy, did HE MAKE ME WORK HARD!!!!! That turkey was a piece of work today!!!!!!! I realize that God has “wired” him to be a herd boss…and I realize that he was also a stallion for the first 12 years of his life…and I realize that he has some genetic predisposition for FLIGHT…but GOOD GRIEF!!!!!! I was actually thinking as we headed the last half mile back that maybe I DO need to sell him (or pay someone to take him). I adore this horse, but it feels like a TOXIC relationship and it is only a matter of time before I get hurt…and BADLY. After the ride, we got home and I turned him out. He hung out close to me and I scratched him…and he stayed close. I gathered he didn’t hold against me how “firm” I had to be with him out there….Then I went to the outside of the rail fence and just leaned on it with my husband as we watched our two horses….they rolled and shook, grunted, groaned, wagged their weanies in the wind, had a discussion over the water trough about whether Breezy would have the “honor” of drinking at the same time as Harley, His Royal Highness….Then, surprise of all surprises. From across the corral, Harley turned…looked at us….came over…nuzzled us…and gave me a big wet smooch right on the mouth…GOOD GRIEF!!!! DO YOU SEE WHY I KEEP THIS BIG MANIAC AROUND???? Horses aren’t supposed to BE like this! I am nuts. Someone PLEASE pray for my healing!
* 1 hour of shoveling gravel…I will be sore tomorrow!!!
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There you have it…my “exercise” program for this past week!
For many years (on and off), I have resisted going on an airplane.
The reason? Well…truthfully…my hips were wider than the seat. Not by much, but enough to cause the arm rests to “pop up” to make room for the relatively wide expanse of my backside. This has been humiliating for me…especially when seated next to anyone of relatively normal size…who would prefer not to share their seat with the hips of a total stranger.
In March, I am going to visit a dear friend of mine. The photograph on the left is from the first time we ever met…in 2000. I wasn’t even at my biggest (yet). The trip to see my dear friend requires a ride on an airplane. When the reservation was made, my conscious brain was able to say “No problem. No fear. Smaller hips. I can keep myself inside my own seat now. Yay!”
Today, however, as I was driving down the highway thinking of this trip yet another three weeks off, I had a random thought…it was a panicked thought. It was “Oh no! NOT an airplane!!!! What will I do about my HIPS!?!?!?!?!?”
It was like my brain failed in that moment to realize the new truth…that things have changed. My body isn’t the same as it was the last time I was humiliated by the mismatch of rear-to-seat on an airplane.
This isn’t the first time (nor will it be the last) that this has happened. For years, I have avoided looking at reflections in windows or mirrors. I didn’t want to see what was “growing” on my body. Avoidance was my preferred denial mechanism. There were times when I would accidentally catch a look and be aghast at what I had seen…”Where did all that…extra…erm…*body*…COME from???” It was devastating when that happened.
In the past six months or so when I have accidentally seen a reflection or even a shadow (like when I ride my horses) of myself…I have been shocked…It is like my brain STILL hasn’t adapted to being different. “Who is *that*???” It just seems so strange not to see a relatively LARGE HULKING MASS…Honestly…I guess for the months I was releasing weight, I avoided looking too because it is like I see it now and I don’t know how that happened! Where did 2/5ths of my body go?
Sometimes I wonder why the renewing of my mind through the Word of Truth isn’t changing this aspect of my thinking. Maybe it is more than I realize. Or maybe it is a reminder of where I have been…and God intends to allow it to assist me in being aware that, “But for the grace of God, there am I…”
There is a song by Point of Grace that soooo ministers to my heart. I wish I could (legally) put it here for you to hear them sing. Instead, please consider downloading it…pay the 99cents and download it from Christian Books. Please…you won’t regret it! If you have felt at all like me….
It is Heal the Wound and the link for the page at CBD to pay 99 cents to download it is here.
Then…please share with me in comments or something how God uses it to encourage you. God definitely has healed many wounds in my life…and has left scars showing just how merciful he is. It is a reminder of where he has brought me from…It does keep me on my knees…even though I am free.
Yes, Lord. I praise you for the scars that remind me of how merciful you are….even when my brain flips a switch and forgets and goes into “shame” mode…thank you that you have reminded me…you are the lifter of my head…and I need not be ashamed…Thank you.
We returned home from our vacation on Friday afternoon. In looking back at vacation time, I see that there was some “Flesh Machinery” operative. While I didn’t get too crazy with my eating on vacation, I nevertheless used the vacation as an excuse to “go on vacation” from keeping a Hunger Graph and really heeding the Lord in guiding me. In other words, I turned my back on him freely. It pains me that this was my attitude while on vacation. I had an attitude about everything going into it, to be truthful…and I think I just threw my attitude all at God about everything.
Interesting, given that He has laid on my heart so powerfully to foster an attitude of gratitude, worship, and heartfelt praise! Instead, I was griping, moping and acting like a jerk-ette.
It makes sense that I would weigh more…I had been eating more. I had been eating “lawfully,” though…get this…it is so ridiculous! I began eating “to a 5” instead of where I had been stopping…which is when I am no longer hungry. There is really a huge gray area between “no longer hungry” and “oops, I am a bit past full.” Most people call “Oops I am a bit past full” a “6” on the hunger scale and just under that a “5.”
So, I played with that this vacation. I did it in rebellion, so in a way I am glad I didn’t “get away” with it.
When I returned from vacation, I weighted myself and found the error of my ways had a practical consequence…just as expected. My weight was at the high end of my swinging weight range…about 153 or 154.
The cool thing is, all I did was confess and verbally agree with God that I needed to change my behavior…that I had sinned and intended not to in this way any more. Additionally, I began keeping my Hunger Graph again. Within 4 days, I had released weight (if you believe the bathroom scale in the first place) to be at 148/149 which is lower than usual. I tend to stay pretty steady at 150 most of the time.
I believe these weights may be affected by water retention as well…but it still is interesting. It is so true that when we focus on eating according to the hunger scale and God’s direction, he takes care of the rest. My body will lose extra weight if it has it and not if it doesn’t.
