Hi, everyone, from sunny snow-covered South Lake Tahoe! My family and I have been on vacation since Tuesday. I hope you can see the video segment above. Ordinarily, I am not one who likes to be photograhed or video taped…but this video in particular demonstrates the physical freedom I have found since releasing 100 pounds. In the past, I would send my family off to the snow without me…I couldn’t bear to try to lug my 250 pound body up a hill, only to provide a comedy routine for any cruel onlooker as I flipped and flopped all over myself coming down the hill. So, I never went on the snow trips with my family.
This has been a BIG event for our family. They don’t know why I never wanted to go…and I haven’t told them. But I did want to chronicle the silliness now that I have released the weight and my self-consciousness.
I wish I hadn’t waited to lose weight before enjoying my family in the snow. But no matter. I am enjoying it now! Thank you, Lord! Below is hubby and me enjoying the snow together:
And this is my daughter and I enjoying the snow. There is NO way I would have even TRIED to put me and another person in a saucer or sled a couple of years ago!
So often we think what we need to do is figure out HOW to…HOW to “do” Thin Within. HOW to stop eating so much. HOW to say no to self.
The truth is, life needs to stop being a “how to…” and start being a “Who to…”
Instead of the HOW…we have to be willing to set aside our steps, strategies, devices…and turn TO the Lord. So often we run from him and then we dive face first into food.
Or we go to the other extreme and run from him as we diet our way into a legalistic, self-sufficient, arrogant, self-righteousness.
So, instead of the HOW to, I think Judy Halliday is right. We need to shift to a “WHO to”…WHO do we run to? The Lord, our strong tower, our stronghold, our Rock, our fortress, our deliverer.We take captive one moment at a time and nest ourselves safely in Him…rest in the shadow of his wings for this moment. One moment at a time, we run TO him, look TO him, be IN Him…
So, the question of HOW to pull this off…HOW to start eating 0 to 5 faithfully….it still comes back to the same song I have been singing for a long time. It comes back to this for me and for you, perhaps.
You have to make the choice to say NO to the flesh in the moment. You have to choose in the moment to run TO the Lord.
If you look at the big picture (“I have 100 pounds to lose!” or “It will take SO long!” or “Will I EVER stop wanting food!?”) you may end up feeling overwhelmed and like you have to write the entire thing off.
But if you look at THIS moment and reject self-indulgence in THIS moment and turn TO the Lord, then you are on your way. It may never be easy. It may always require us to actively choose to die to SELF and lean heavily on the Lord. Then, there may be times when it IS easy.
I have found that the thing that is turning around the moment by moment choice for me is to choose to delight in God’s provision. In Numbers 11, we read a sobering account about discontentment of the Israelites. They craved that which was outside of God’s provision for them. It wasn’t the meat they wanted that was the problem. It was their rejection of God’s best and loving provision. I have found myself like this. God has ordained that my body need only a little bit of food in order to manage life. Really, it is quite astounding. If it were anything other than my body and my food, I would be delighted at how “frugal” I can be!
If my Yukon XL gas tank appeared to be on empty and I pulled up to the gas station to fill it up and $5 was enough to FILL the gas tank full, I would be THRILLED. So little to accomplish so much!
Or if I wanted a hay shed full of hay and it only cost $50 to fill it…well, again, I would be thrilled that so much could be accomplished with so little.
My reaction, which is one of frustration and, even, anger, at times is proof that this isn’t about what I need. It is still about what I want. So the problem is that I must learn to be content.
There are things I can *do* practically to develop a heart of gratitude. I can take captive my discontented thoughts, reject them and replace them with scripture declaring God’s glory. Today I have found myself rejecting moping about how little food I “get” to eat and intentionally praising God outloud for who He is, his attributes. It is transforming not just how I feel about eating, but how I feel about life.
When I am all about my performance, it is my food, my will, my weight, my my my, me me me.
When I change my focus to God, everything changes. It really does.
I know this sounds like pie in the sky, but a person has to try it…I mean really try it. Reject the thought of “I want more.” or “Nuts, I am already at 5.” And instead say, “Lord, by your power, I reject thoughts of discontentment right now. I choose to praise you for your provision. Thank you for all the food that I have, the variety, the textures, the opportunities I have to eat EACH time I am hungry. Thank you that you are Sovereign. King, Lord and that you have chosen to use food to draw me closer to you…that each time I want food when I am hungry, it is really about my heart calling out for something else…for you, Lord. I choose to cling to you right now when my heart wants to go to the food. Thank you for your provision. Thank you for the example of the Israelites in Numbers 11…and the hard lesson that is found in that account. A discontented heart will *always* crave *something*. Given all the food I need that still wouldn’t be enough, Lord…thank you for showing me that…”
Ok…this came from my heart just now. You would, obviously, want to pray from your own heart.
But I can’t ever look at the big picture. I see now that I may never be totally free from wanting food outside of God-given parameters. Ever.
Sure, I have released all my weight, but I see that God wants to use this thorn in my flesh to cause me to cling in humble dependence on Him. To teach me to run TO Him…constantly. Even that, I will learn to thank him and praise him for….
Thin Within Videos Online Some of the Thin Within video segments are available online right now. These are from the second video, made in 2002. There is also a discussion guide for this video.
I want to be honest. If you don’t like honest, you won’t like this post. *I* probably won’t like this post when I am done.
I am sick of myself and my excuses. Do you ever feel this way?
Some thoughts have struck me.
If I don’t “like” the Thin Within book, I can join the crowd. After all, who likes to be told that God cares about what I eat and that He wants me to eat less food? Who likes to be told that I need to “observe and correct,” or confess and repent when I just simply want to EAT? Who wants to think that what I eat somehow is a reflection of my walk with God and whether or not I am allowing Him to meet my needs?
Who likes the fact that I have a stomach the size of a fist and when I put more than that tiny bit of food in it I just WANT more? Who wants to be told this stuff? Not many of us like it. Frankly, right now, I don’t like it.
So if I have a problem with what is in the Thin Within book, I am in good company. In fact, I can get my shorts in a bunch about it! I wonder if you know the feeling…
But that doesn’t mean the message of the book isn’t true. It just means…I don’t like it.
Yes, I can come up with a million reasons to reject the message in the book…
–> I was abused at mealtime as a child… –> I have an autistic son and it is soooooooooooooooooo stressful…. –> If God meant for me to eat so little why did he make food taste so good?
Or how about: –> “It isn’t realistic to eat this way.” –> ” I am a teacher and the schedule tells me when to eat.” (It is easy to disregard the fact that many teachers have figured out how to eat this way by planning their hunger). –>”I have health problems.” or “I think I have health problems–I NEED more food!” (Why do we think that no matter what the trouble or problem is, food will solve it? Half the time, eating too much food has caused or contributed to the problem!!!) –>”I have medications that I have to take with food…and a full meal is in order so I won’t get nauseous!” (It actually only takes a cracker or two …ask the doctor!) –> “I take medications that change my hunger signals!” (Most of the time this means we don’t get to a 0 as often as we *want* to…the fact is, if we wait for 0 and eat, we just don’t get to eat as much food as we want…) –>”I have high blood sugar, low blood sugar, high blood pressure, low thyroid…” the list goes on. That may all be true, but if God has allowed it in my life, it certainly isn’t His intention that it be used to justify gluttony or eating more than my body needs!
I am at a point of honesty with myself tonight. Want to join me?
Most of the time…gosh…it just boils down to this… I WANT TO EAT BECAUSE I WANT IT.
Food tastes good and I want it.
I want to justify eating it. I want it.
I don’t like eating less. I want it.
I am ready to be honest. I am going to quit griping about the book, my son, my neurotic dog, my spirited horse that scares me, my stressful life, my uncooperative body, and, even…GOD! I am going to QUIT MY GRIPING!
The bottom line is I WANT IT!!!! I want more FOOD! I want to eat!
I am sick of my own attitudes and excuses. Are you sick of yours?
So what will I do with this truth? Will I get mad? Will I eat in response to this declaration? Or will I choose to recognize that there may be some truth to this? What will I do with the truth?
I am so blessed to have a LIVE group that I can participate in, learn from, grow and share with. If any of you are studying Thin Within on your own, I want to encourage you to pray about whether God would have you start a group with some women in your church. There is nothing so wonderful as sharing hearts and prayer needs, praises, challenges and blessings together. Just ask God to see if he doesn’t have a plan for you to do this! The ladies I meet with at my church are amazing. God has so blessed me. What an amazing group of women. Thank you so much, Lord. And my co-leader is simply amazing as well. Through her, I receive such encouragement to keep on. Lord, you make my heart sing when I am with her! THANK YOU for such an amazing experience (I keep using that word amazing…but I can’t think of another superlative that does the trick!).
First, though…I had a wonderful ride with Harley today. My trainer and I went to a place with cows romping around. The upshot is, this was quite an adventure…and God put His peace upon Harley and in me. We did a little trotting and even moved the cattle gently. Harley seemed at one point to “lock on” to a cow and want to move him. All of this is such a miracle.
I believe that this is a parallel to new things God is doing in me and in my relationship with Daniel, too. You see, to Harley, the cows are like big bombad bad guys. Together, Harley and I can move them. As I provide boundaries and God-dependent leadership to Harley, he found confidence and his fears dissipated…as did mine.
I believe that the same is true for my Daniel and me. Daniel will face a lot of “big bombad bad guys”…a lot of “cows” in life. Right now, as I provide boundaries and God-dependent leadership, Daniel will find confidence and his fears will dissipate, too. Even as Harley’s did.
I know some of you who visit this blog have been praying. THANK YOU. I have found SUCH joy in my son in the past three days. Though having Asperger’s Syndrome, Daniel enjoys being cuddled and held so I have been doing a lot of that and a lot of praising him for as many things as I can. Daniel has just been beaming under this kind of attention. THANK YOU FOR YOUR PRAYERS.
How does this affect my eating? In a HUGE way it affects me. My eating is impacted by my relationship with my son and my fears of Harley both. Facing into these things with delight, and relishing them for whatever God will choose to bring my way…agreeing with Him that I can stretch for what He invites me to become…there is peace and release in that. As I quit striving, the food thing isn’t quite the battle.
I am still not back at “stellar” with regard to 0 to 5 eating. There are yet tiny justifications (not really “tiny” at all). But these two are being offered to God bit by bit.
I will confess, I have thought about deleting some of my posts…the three about autism–accepting it or it being a gift from God or not. The last thing I want my posts to do is create shame in others or something else that the enemy can use. No way. I have felt that I should leave the posts, though. They are an honest chronicling of *my* journey. No one else’s.
My pastor called this evening and shared with me that he feels differently about some of these things. The way he put it resonated with me. There is a Divine Mystery associated with the will of God and what is “allowed” or what is “ordained,” what is “acceptable” and what is “perfect.” In reducing it to words and black and white labels, I have perhaps done myself a disservice.
If I can understand the way God works, if I can fathom “three yet one,” “free will and sovereign choice,” and other lofty mysteries…then I have basically reduced the Almighty down to my intellectual level. That is pretty scary.
So for now, I think He calls me, He perhaps calls you….to accept what has been given to us. To delight ourselves in HIM. Not in any earthly gift or condition or situation, but in HIM. I believe that the Lord wants to be the delight of our hearts. As John Piper says, God is most glorified in me when I am most delighting in Him. That is sufficient for me.
Lord, may I delight utterly, completely and with total abandon in you.
A life surrendered is day upon day upon day surrendered.
A day surrendered is hour upon hour upon hour surrendered.
An hour surrendered is comprised of moment upon moment upon moment surrendered.
I may not be able to fathom the overwhelming notion of surrendering my entire life to the Lord. Gosh, even a day may be overwhelming. Many times, surrendering this hour seems impossible, too.
But a moment…now *that* I can do…this moment, Lord, I take captive for you.And now this moment, I take captive for you…and now this one…
Some say my anger at God about Daniel’s autism is misplaced because, while God has “allowed” Daniel’s autism, He has not “caused” it. This may be a logical result of a theological belief in God’s “permissive will” and God’s “perfect will.” I think the desire to believe that God hasn’t “caused” Daniel’s autism, however, may be because we buy the world’s reasoning that autism is a “disorder,” a “defect,” something “bad”–a “mistake.”
But I do not believe that autism is merely “allowed” by God. I believe it is ordained by God.
Those who say that God has merely “allowed” autism, or Down’s Syndrome, or other things that happen to make challenges for the parents assume these things are “bad.” Thus, God couldn’t cause it, but only “allow” it because God doesn’t do anything “bad.” We build our theology on how we categorize things. If we think something is bad, we can’t attribute it to God’s doing and have to find another way of explaining God as being sovereign while these “bad” things nevertheless happen. I think this is defective reasoning. I am not sure it is biblical. What if God ordained autism in Daniel’s life…not just “allowed” it, but actually hand-crafted it for his purposes… Maybe it was God’s “perfect” will…and not just a “permissive will” thing at all. I mean if we call that which God has chosen, ordained–that which he is very intentional about–and we call it merely “allowed” by God…I think we make a grave error! And we miss what God calls us to do with the thing! Perhaps this has even been my error all along and why I have been so angry about this for so many years (except for brief respites when I haven’t been).
So, I bring to Him my challenge in interpreting this (again). He formed and shaped Daniel in the womb, right? Then this isn’t about something God merely “allowed” at all…but something He formed and shaped. It isn’t a “disorder” and it isn’t a “defect.” It isn’t “bad.” It is divinely orchestrated and masterfully planned and put together. Daniel is God’s divine workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works which God prepared in advance for Daniel to do. (Ephesians 2:10)
And my being Daniel’s mom is, too—planned, orchestrated, intentional.
So, then, I have to grapple with what to be, do, say, think, feel, and how to live accordingly. What am I missing about God’s perspective in this? What supernatural power am I not tapping in to? Where is the wisdom that he promises to give if we ask without doubting (James 1)?
I must come to terms with this.
I am called to praise God for the storm, if you will…not just with an act of my will trying to drum up belief that He will bring good out of it, but seeing good in it and praising Him for it. This is my calling, I believe. Not just to consider autism as being “allowed” by God…and sort of meekly acquiescing because I am backed up against a wall.
But instead, delighting in Daniel’s autism…sounds crazy, huh?
This is my prayer…that God will work in me so that I will thank God for Daniel’s autism.
I am grasping for what to be, think, feel, and say—how to be what God wants me to be in this…I am not there. I must press on, change, step outside of what I presume to be true.
Let me be so bold. I think God did this–Daniel’s autism–for us. I know it. I believe that Daniel’s autism is actually ordained by God…a gift from God…and that means all the pieces and plans are in His hands to present to us as He chooses, according to His divine will.
Yesterday, after I hashed through so many of my thoughts and presented them to God and wrote them up here, I turned to do the preparation for my live Thin Within group that a friend of mine and I lead on Wednesday nights. We assigned chapters 2 and 17 for this week’s assignment. Chapter 17…it is on gratitude. I will share some thoughts about that later today if I have the time.
But as I opened to chapter 2, God surprised and delighted me with what I read there. It struck me as if I had never read it and I felt God’s Divine approval for having poured out my heart. These are the words I read:
“…with the freedom comes a responsibility to be honest with God. When you are honest, He meets you and true growth happens.” (page 18) I know that I need to offer my struggles to the Lord. I know that discontentment is a sin and must be confessed. I also know that authenticity is invaluable. I simply will not stand for presuming that God is like an earth father in a dysfunctional family “You didn’t hear what you heard, you didn’t see what you saw, you didn’t feel what you felt, you didn’t know what you knew.”
No, my God is different from that. He wants my struggles presented to Him…like broken pieces of a much prized possession, I offer him the fragmented thoughts of my mind, the shattered remnants of a heart broken. He will do His will in me. I am willing.
And this is my daughter and I enjoying the snow. There is NO way I would have even TRIED to put me and another person in a saucer or sled a couple of years ago!
