Chapter 14 in Thin Within is definitely well timed for me personally. Even though I am a couple of weeks behind my initial projected tentative schedule, God is definitely making sure that each chapter is timed perfectly as far as *he* is concerned.
What do we believe about ourselves? What do I believe about MYself? Does this agree with what GOD says?
The following clips are each about 9 minutes long. They are part 1 and part 2 of Mark Hall’s testimony…Mark Hall is the lead singer for the Christian Band, Casting Crowns. When I have led TW classes, I have found that this testimony resonates for some of us, so I found it at You Tube and have it here for you to benefit from. I would love to hear from you after you watch the two parts. Ask God to use this and I will as well…God is moving…
Sometimes, even if I seem to be in a deep pit where I can’t see my way clear, it doesn’t take much for me to get clarity. Sometimes an honest step back is all it takes.
I haven’t been taking time to be with my horses much lately. In the past week, I have taken way more time than in the previous 4 weeks put together!
Today, just after posting my previous blog entry, I met a friend out at the “Omstead Loop.” There, I had a most amazing ride on my horse, Harley, my heartbeat. Once again, he was the perfect gentleman. Even my friend commented on how much he has changed… YAY!
It is funny how being out there is so cathartic, so therapeutic for me. I have said that in the past that if I would just allow myself that time with my horses out on the trail, perhaps things wouldn’t seem so horribly intense when I am at home or facing “issues.” None of the situations I am currently facing went away, certainly, but I found myself “softening”…which is a term we use in the kind of horsemanship I practice for a change in the mind and heart of the horse (and rider) that affects the body–the feet–the posture as well.
A softening of my heart and mind has happened that is affecting my posture toward the Lord in this…
As I returned home after such a delightful morning out on the trail, I found myself willing to at least work on the need to forgive, instead of shutting down. I *am* tired of always being soooo myopic, but I know that the Lord is using this time of processing to go deep…a deep cleansing is happening.
I am becoming more and more aware of just how deeply God intends to go with his healing.
With this awareness has come another awareness of just how far I am willing to go NOT to feel the pain that is in that place.
I have come to believe that I need to feel the pain in order to bring it to God. But doing so means that I trust that God won’t leave me in that place of feeling the pain without his rescue. I have begun to see just how much I don’t trust him. I know that much of this is connected to the very things he wants to heal in me. I have major fear of abandonment where people are concerned and, during this season of my life, people are abandoning me, further reinforcing this fear. (Granted, this abandonment by others isn’t about me at all…dear friends who have left our church, our pastor resigning and so on). But because of the way these things trigger past memories and experiences, they all FELL so real, so personal, so…intensely painful.
I believe this is why I am grasping as I haven’t in a few years for coping mechanisms…some way to feel normal. Just to avoid being in pain all day long.
The busy-ness and, today, obviously, choosing anger over forgiveness…it is all an attempt to outrun pain and depression.
Drinking soothing drinks like diet cherry pepsi (which I had given up, but have returned to) or having a bit more food than I need (happily, I am not eating a ton of food, but I am eating outside of godly parameters) are all ways of self-gratifying my flesh which feels like it will die if it has to stay in this place of such pain.
I don’t mean for this to be a “poor me, I am a victim” sort of journal entry. These things are everyday sorts of things for this season of my life. Being on the search team for a new pastor means that I will stick around for this season. So what is ahead is more of this same pain.
There are major transitions going on with others I care about, not just those who have left. People I love are feeling pain over all of this…and I have to pray that God will not let me take on *their* warfare as well as my own! We are to carry one another’s burdens, but each one is to shoulder his own load in the Lord. (Galatians 6:1-5)
So I must wait for the Lord. He is calling me to release the hold on all my coping mechanisms. I was tra-la-ing along and now this test seems beyond my ability to withstand. This is real trial by fire for me…my instincts are to run for all I am worth. If I have to stay, then I want not to feel…so that is where I think I have been, why the busy-ness, why the sadness, why the inconsistency, why the struggle to string several consecutive moments together of godly behavior.
Chapter 13 addresses some of this. The lies I believe are keeping me from God’s best. You see, I KNOW he will heal me, but I feel like I will die waiting for him to do it. His timing seems so long. I can’t fathom waiting for him right now. I know he wants me to feel it all. It seems beyond overwhelming. So I have structured my life not to have any time where I am without something I must do. If I have time where I don’t have a commitment, I tend to nap. The symptoms of depression are obvious.
The intimacy God wants to share with us increases as we release to Him our unmet needs and our expectations of others and ourselves. It occurs by degrees as we surrender our mind, emotions, and will to Him…He intends that His grace should infuse every aspect of our lives. Thin Within, page 131
Right now, the promise of “intimacy with God” seems too remote for what it will cost me. That is a lie, but it is one I believe for all I am worth, I guess. I just can’t stand being left in my feeling. (I am praying about getting a therapist to work with me through some of this, as I can’t stand being stuck this way…)
I can’t relate right now to reverting back to the law in the way it is described in chapter 13, but I know I have in the past.
We will face battles and challenges, but anything this valuable is worth the fight. Call on Him and He will answer. His Spirit will inspire you, enable you, and empower you to fight in the strength He provides. With an act of your will and a sincere heart, you can call out for help in any moment, in any temptation. He has promised to come to your aid. Thin Within, page 134
I have to admit. I am not there right now. Today, rather than “the joy of the Lord” being my strength, I feel like my resentment and anger is my strength. I am fit to be tied at my former pastor and at some others…I know I have to bring these things to the Lord and choose to forgive, but right now that sounds too painful to me. I can’t imagine.
For a long time, I have known that my eating is out of whack when I am harboring resentment, bitterness and not forgiving those that I know I need to. So I guess I am set up for failure in that regard today if I don’t deal with this…
Questions for you to ponder:
1. Is there anything that keeps you from stopping using any coping mechanisms right now to feel any pain in your own life? These pains can be present time pain or those from your past. Or a combination. Often, pain in our present triggers painful memories or reactions to similar situations. We can often tell this is the case by our over-reactions to certain things.
2. Are you willing to sit with the Lord and to feel what he calls you to feel instead of to use coping mechanisms to avoid feelings from which you may be running? My answer in this moment is NO. That isn’t a healthy place to be. I hope your answer isn’t NO.
I hope that none of you are dealing with issues like those that face me right now. My own resistance is my greatest enemy. To surrender sounds so horribly frightening. I will come around, I know. But right now…yikes…no.
I have been majorly flaky with our study. Today was crazy busy and crazy fun.
Michaela and I started the day by getting on Harley and Breezy for a ride from home. We don’t often do that. Poor Michaela was chafing because of the way the saddle hit her. She was miserable, so we cut it short and only rode about an hour (which I am sure seemed like an eternity to her).
After we got back, we went out to lunch in town. It was fun to stay in our little town of Cool at a little restaurant there for pizza. I love it when all four of us enjoy the same place to eat. What a novelty!
Then our family headed up to Loon Lake where our church is having family camp this weekend. We stayed just long enough to take a short canoe ride around the lake.
Fun fun fun!
You know, one of the things that God is bringing home to my heart…it has to do with the relationship I crave with my kids. I am seeing that this is something that motivates me to go to extreme lengths. I am protective of my kids and hubby, of our time together, we carve time out to be together–making it a priority.
I want my kids’ hearts, not just their obedience. I want them to see them as I see them–beautiful inside and out. I want them to know truth and it breaks my heart when they don’t…when they believe lies.
Gosh, all of these things that I struggle with from a parent’s point of view, I know my Father in Heaven has an even more pure desire for me than I do for my kids. It really puts it into perspective for me in some ways…it tenders my heart to realize that his sweet parent’s heart is so turned toward me in love…
Our horses actually got to BLESS another family. It was SO awesome! I was so blessed…I tell you, after all the time, money, effort we have put into them, it was so RICH to be able to see other people on TWO of them at once, smiling as they went. YAY! (In the picture below, my dark horse, Harley, carries my daughter. He actually carried three different people today…two brand new beginners and my daughter who hasn’t ridden him much at all…and Breezy the white horse has my daughter’s friend. It was SO cool! My ponies were SO GREAT today! Thank you Lord!!!)
Then a trip to the lake, McDonald’s with the family and off to a community co-op vegetable garden for our church’s feed-the-hungry program…Such a great day with family and friends!
THIS IS GREAT! But God showed me something…I had a chance to tell someone I interacted with during the day how I saw her when I first met her (and how I still see her). I don’t know her well, but she is beautiful, strong, and absolutely healthy, and vibrant looking. I see one of those kind of “California girl” looks that most women would love to have…But she doesn’t see herself that way at all. I wanted to cry…it made me sad the way she sees herself …well, it is a lie from the pit. I wanted to tell her NO! That is a LIE!
God gently pointed out to me that I believe similar lies…that I see myself through just as warped a lens as my new friend does…wow…that really brought home just how deceived *I* might be…But then I also realized…I am still hyperfixating on appearance. I am called to let it go, warped view or not…let it go, let it go, let it go…other things are SO much more important! Oh my!!!!
Hi, everyone. Wow, time is flying by. It is Friday already. I plan to post on chapter 13 later today, but in the meantime, how about some of YOU share any meaningful parts with us? I would LOVE to hear from YOU about how God uses it.
I reread chapter 13 just after I posted my “Ugly” post. It was RIGHT what I needed to read! God is so kind.
More later! We are hosting a family up here to play with the horses and go to the lake, so I have to get things all ready for that!
