God is really encouraging me though the One in a Million bible study (available at Lifeway.com along with the individual use download video sessions for the study) and also through John Piper’s book Future Grace.
Has God worked in your life to show up in ways that have encouraged you in the past? Join me in giving glory to God for these things…and then let’s take that knowledge that he *has* shown up in the *past* and anticipate…He is going to show up again…today! Let’s have faith in future grace!
I was all “worked up” about today…leading worship without a full “team,” but God has shown up in the past and He has challenged and encouraged my heart…He will show up now, too. He will put His peace in and through and upon me. He will work. He IS at work! He doesn’t need a “full worship team” in order for HIS “ducks to be in a row!” LOL! He has hand selected (for his purposes only and they are above anything I can imagine) just who will lead worship this morning. So I will delight that he has a perfect will and that I just happen to get to participate in it. Butterflies in my stomach are about ME taking my eyes off of HIM. This is ALL about HIM!
Lord, be worshiped today, be glorified, remove any pride or SELF-consciousness and replace it with humble, God glorifying, GOD CONSCIOUSNESS!
Got back yesterday from a weekend in Lake Tahoe with my daughter and 16 other women from our church. It was a beautiful weekend with lots of time to enjoy dear friends. I love those women SO much! 🙂 Note to self: When allowing 15 year old daughter on retreat weekend, be sure she leaves the camera at home! Boredom is the “mother” of too many photographs of Mom! (However, this one with the guitar by the lake is ok. LOL! She also caught many of ME ME ME with ladies I LOVE LOVE LOVE. If you want to see a bit of our weekend, click here to go to my SmugMug gallery….)
While I was on the retreat, I continued my bible study by Priscilla Shirer, called One in a Million. I won’t take the space or time to review it now, but suffice to say that God is using it to dialog with me very personally. As it turns out, he used the study in it to continue my “Truth Inventory” on Saturday morning.
I released all my extra weight (and then some) as I have shared in this blog. I kept it off for a year, clinging in fear to the bathroom scale. I began to deal with other strongholds and emotional challenges to which I had numbed myself for years and began to struggle with eating “just” outside of godly parameters, as I have also shared. In effect, God marched me around in the desert for a long while and there I stood…on the edge of Canaan. I even entered it…or thought I did. But something wasn’t right. The work of God wasn’t “finished.” I thought “finished” looked like 150 pounds. But God was looking at something else.
Off I went again to march around in the desert. I am continuing that march now. But the cool thing is…I feel like there is some light dawning on my understanding.
Priscilla Shirer says on page 42 of the study: …God should remain their primary focus and hearts’ desire as they approached the beauties and glories of Canaan.
When I got close or even in Canaan (metaphorically speaking) I let my focus shift blatantly…from God, to ME! My body was again the focus! My accomplishments, MY success, MY need to remain at 150 pounds NO MATTER WHAT…yikes!
On page 43 of the study Priscilla Shirer says: The key to taking full possession of the land God promised was obedience, but the key to finding full appreciation of it was found in remembering God’s goodness and protection through their extended years in the wilderness…Moses encouraged the Israelites to value their wilderness experience.
I didn’t value the time in the wilderness. I viewed it as a means to an end. In fact, the sooner I could get out, get the weight off, the better!
I didn’t value the time spent seeking him, begging him for strength not to give in to my flesh, leaning on him, seeing him come through for me, worshiping and praising him for the victories, experiencing his sufficiency during temptation and especially when my emotions ran rampant and he came through for me…this is what he wants me to value the wilderness for. He wants me to value HIM and the closeness I experience through this challenge and lure of over eating. HE is the goal! HE is my treasure, my hiding place, my safe refuge, my comfort. HE is the goal. Not some weight, size, or fitting into a pair of jeans (that if I were not so vain wouldn’t even be on my radar screen!).
In fact, he doesn’t even want me to value “good health” as much as all of this! He may or may not allow me to be and remain in good health all the days of my life. (Of course, he *does* want me to do whatever I can to do my part to be healthy…that is a given as a steward of this body, HIS temple…)
But what he wants is my heart. I have said this again and again…but it has taken on such a different meaning for me. He REALLY wants it. ALL of it. NOTHING ELSE is to eclipse Him in my sight. NOTHING.
In the margin of my workbook next to the quote from Priscilla above, I wrote: This is huge. OBEDIENCE is what I am to learn. I got close to entering Canaan, but was not obedient in a number of ways. Lord show me…I don’t want to wait or focus so much on my size and food issue that I miss anything else you may want to show me…I don’t want to miss YOU.
I continue…
Lord, I want to be so enthralled with YOU that YOU are the goal. And being in the desert, I GET to enjoy that…enjoy YOU, your presence, your sufficiency, your love, your joy over me…
Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
The “Truth Inventory” process has been an amazing time of deep encouragement from the Lord. Of course, it hasn’t been without conviction…and repentance as well.
Before I really stopped and prayerfully evaluated, I beat myself up about how much I had “reverted” to former behaviors. The Lord has been showing me that, while I must be circumspect about the potential for this, that it is far from truth. In fact, I have been listening to the voice of the accuser if I conclude that I have done this to the degree I had assumed.
I had a very emotional thing happen at the beginning of this week. As I walked by the kitchen, I found an old familiar feeling of resentment and “I can TOO do what I want!” rise up in me…that same feeling that would cause me to grab food “Just because I CAN!!!” It is the same feeling that would own me choice after choice, in the past.
Almost as quickly as that thought assaulted me, another thought rebuked the first, “I don’t HAVE to have ‘what I want!’ I am FREE from having to give in to that urge!” This is a HUGE thing in my life. God has been laying in my life a foundation of strength in HIM. My weaknesses, which are so great, enable me to prevail upon his grace all the more and I see, like the Apostle Paul says, that I can “boast all the more in my weaknesses, for when I am weak, then I am strong!” God’s strength is at work, by His Spirit, in me.
So, any changes in my physical body that I don’t appreciate very much, while not welcome changes to me, I see that they are not because of totally allowing all the boundaries to be removed. I haven’t binged, I haven’t “let go” or “thrown in the towel.” Never once have I had the thought of “quitting.” I know well enough now that we can *never* quit this…it is discipleship. It is sanctification. Once in Christ, our entire lives are lived on this path. If I maintain any thought that Thin Within is a “diet” then, yes…diets can be quit and started, quit and started. But Thin Within isn’t a diet. It is about moderation, self-discipline, surrender to God…and my life is to be based on these things to honor the Lord in all things. This is what it means to live in Christ.
This is very different than all my past experiences with having lost a bunch of weight and then starting to gain it. I am not what I once was. There have been remarkable changes that have occurred inside of me…changes wrought by the Spirit of God. I praise and thank HIM for these things. I know I will never be the same person as before November 2006 when I really focused on the Lord in this journey and it being about the Lord and not about me really.
There *are* layers to this, of course…thus the reason I am at what seems to be a familiar place again. But I am thankful that my “Truth Inventory” has been showing me that what may appear familiar, actually is a “new thing!” This blog was aptly named when I began it….
…God really IS doing a new thing! He continues to!
Practically, I am doing something that is helping my focus a lot during this time. For a lot of months, now, I have had my watch timer go off at regular intervals throughout the day. It is my reminder to check in with God. I have my watch timer set for shorter intervals now than ever…I felt in such need to be reminded of God’s presence continually. I have used these reminders merely to say “Hi, God.” Or to lift someone I know up in prayer… For a time, now, though, my priority is to use these reminders to thank God for something specific (a return to gratitude) and to recommit my choices to the Lord…to ask Him to give me a heart after His. This is working wonders for me…for keeping my heart tender. I don’t find myself drawn to more food than I need. And he really IS enough!
I know that I have posted here about having “learned” these lessons before. Well, I guess I am learning them again. 😉 My daughter and I are heading out for the women’s retreat up at Lake Tahoe this afternoon. We are leading the worship music this weekend. See you next week!
Search me, O God, and know my heart;test me and know my anxious thoughts.See if there is any offensive way in me,and lead me in the way everlasting.– Psalm 139:23-24
As I sat before the Lord with this verse my prayer, asking the Lord, “Where am I now?” “Where do YOU want me to be?” “What must I do to get there?” He was faithful to point out some things. This entry shares just one of these things. 🙂
The very first thing, that he brought to mind had to do with the bathroom scale.
I have lived without a bathroom scale in my life for about three and a half months. God pointed this out to me as something that delights HIS heart! YAY! 😀 So I am thrilled to know that this is definitely something that I am on the right track about.
Choosing to live without the scale was not for the purposes of living without accountability, as some might think. It was to be free from ungodly constraints and obsession. During the two years that I was focused on what God called me to do in 0 to 5 eating, faithfully following his lead, releasing 100 pounds and keeping it off, I allowed the bathroom scale to define me. (Doesn’t this sound contradictory? It is, but there it is anyhow!) I was a slave to it, living in fear of “What if my weight goes up?!”
God has been teaching me during the past three and a half months that I am not defined by what the scale says each day or, even, by what my size is. This isn’t coming naturally to me and I have struggled for all I am worth (at times) to resist heading in to town to purchase a new scale! I remember saying to my husband how motivating it is to see the needle going down…gosh…the Lord wants me to find His voice “motivating!”
Time and again, God has encouraged me with “Won’t you let my voice direct you? Won’t you stand on *my* promises and *my* reassurances instead of a man-made arbitrary device to which you have bowed slavishly your entire life?”
So, God has confirmed that, though I have struggled with obedience in my eating and my self-perception because of more weight on my body than I would like, that I am, indeed, learning lessons that he wants me to really get. Now is not the time to quit by getting a new bathroom scale. I sense his leading in this. YAY!
I will continue to live without the scale!
As I have returned to godly boundaries, this has been even harder. (Go figure!) I want the instant gratification of seeing the scale nudge downward. Boy, the flesh can sure pitch a fit! God lovingly speaks to my heart, “How about the ‘instant gratification’ of ME whispering to you, ‘Well done, child’?” You see, this tendency to grasp at “instant gratification” — that which the bathroom scale seems to feed — is the very same tendency that fuels eating outside of godly boundaries. “I want that NOW! I don’t *want* to wait until I am hungry to eat more of that…” If I am really to be *healed* of the *heart* issue that is at the root of my overeating, one great place to focus is this tendency to “Give it to me now!” Any place where this mentality appears in my life, must come under close scrutiny if I want it eradicated completely. Does that make sense? This incessant drive to hop on a scale each morning, actually fuels the very same heart that insists I have more brownies, or another meal when I am not hungry.
So, living without the scale is a good thing. This is where I am and have been for a while and this is where God wants me to be. YAY! I am so glad that this “Truth Inventory” isn’t all about things I have sploogied about…done wrong. God is so gracious!
Now, along these same lines, what other truth must I face? This is the harder thing to swallow, but the same grace that spoke to me about the above, spoke to me about this as well. I have not been relying on the Holy Spirit to guide and direct me…or, rather…and this is REALLY hard to admit…I have heard his voice and chosen to disobey…to ignore Him. In fact, the bathroom scale would be much “easier” to obey or to sense approval or correction from! Can you believe it?
Here is the thing…The HOLY Spirit resides in me as a child of God in part to empower me to make HOLY choices! He wants to give me the desires and the strength to carry out the desires of God for my life. He requires that I surrender self to Him in order for this to happen, however. He requires this. He will not MAKE me make good choices. He offers me everything I need for life and godliness and it is up to me to embrace it and walk it out in my life.
So where does this put me now? I believe that I am learning invaluable lessons. God wants me to learn to do this thing without the bathroom scale. My evident weight gain over the last 4 months (since the start of our summer study…not much, but enough…) as seen in the way my clothes fit, tells me (as if I needed it to) that I have not been a submissive, obedient, loving child. I knew that already, though! I don’t need my body size to tell me that! In fact, I recall times in my life where I wasn’t obedient, but my size didn’t change…I had “gotten away with” eating outside of godly boundaries. If I were to depend on the scale to “weigh my heart” then it had lied to me during those times…just because my weight hadn’t gone up during those times, didn’t mean I was on target with honoring the Lord with my eating and drinking. I know the truth! God’s Spirit speaks it to my spirit and there is no doubt!
So I will continue to live without the scale. I have continued this week to delight in godly boundaries and feel the burden of my heart lifted. It is such a joyful place to be! Even if my body weight hasn’t changed a bunch, my heart is lighter and I am back where I need to be, willingly surrendering to the canopy of his grace, following the path of GOD’s provision, not grasping at what I want NOW.
I am learning delayed gratification…more…I am learning true satisfaction in a new way. Getting rid of the scale and keeping it gone is a big part of that for me. It has been a frightening step to take, but I am confident that it has been the right place to be…so I press on! AND I press IN to the Lord, to lean on Him, to listen to HIS voice and…to obey it. His boundaries for me are because He loves me.
It is amazing how much a chosen shift in perspective can make! Even before I sat down this morning to begin my “Truth Inventory,” I had chosen during the past couple of days to quit doing this compromising “thing” that, when all is said and done, is SIN. The “skating along the edge” of godly boundaries by eating 0 – 6 or 1 – 5…
Let’s call SIN SIN and not beat around the bush! Before anyone gets after me for using the “S” word :-), let me just say that I don’t believe “Sin” is something I am condemned for. No. Once anyone is in Christ, they do not stand as one condemned. Sure, before accepting the free gift of Jesus’ propitiation (big word, with an even more amazing meaning!) for me on the cross, the “S” word would have meant DOOM for me for eternity. But not now!
So I can call my sin what it is…SIN. Sin is going my way independent from God’s leading. Truthfully, that is what these “little compromises” have been over the past year. I call sin sin, knowing that God’s kindness leads me to repentance (Romans 2:4). He grants repentance leading me to a knowledge of truth (2 Timothy 2:25).
I have been on sort of two tracks. One is leading to deeper intimacy with God. But, interestingly enough, that has led to some fear…and I think that is where I have allowed myself to be deceived. To be known by God has been a frightening thing for me–it doesn’t need to be–and I hope one day I won’t feel so …exposed…but for now, that is something that I have to grapple with. So the parallel track to this greater closeness and intimacy with God has been this tendency I have to grab at whatever I can to “cover my nakedness” before the righteous holy God! Makes no sense, but there it is.
Here I am now, however, seeing this for what it is. SIN…motivated by a desire to hide…and I don’t need to do that! God loves me. He extends his grace to me. He sees me totally as I am and loves me utterly. The same is true for you!
He gives us a choice…will we believe it? Will we believe that he can know us utterly, completely, that we can be exposed, totally naked before him, vulnerable, souls laid bare…and that he totally, completely loves and accepts us?
I choose to believe it. And I am renewing my commitment to walk this belief out. Not just when I am feeling “warm and fuzzy” but even when I see my sin and pride and rotten motives exposed by God. He doesn’t expose them so I am accused or condemned, but so that he can lovingly show me how my life isn’t working…and gently correct me and guide me to a path that leads to joy and righteousness!
Anyhow, what I was GOING to say was just how much JOY there has been during the past couple of days of refocusing on the blessing of godly boundaries. His boundaries truly have fallen for me in pleasant places and when I skate along the edges, I gradually end up far afield of where he wants me and where I am safest.
Today, I am in a good place. My truth inventory has begun and I have seen some difficult truth and some great truth. God is showing me where to go from here. More on that tomorrow. 🙂
I am going to spend the next few days doing a “truth inventory” about where I am, how I got here, and what I am really willing to do to get over any obstacles that I have erected that are standing in my way to experiencing God’s best.
If you want, you can join me.
Since I am committed to making it through this season of my struggle…er…I mean LIFE (LOL!) withOUT a bathroom scale, all I have is the Holy Spirit to tell me if I am following God’s best for my life with regard to eating, drinking, activity. “All I have…” Gosh…as if that is the consolation prize or something! I have the SHEKINAH GLORY OF GOD ALMIGHTY at work in me…offering his power, his direction, his insight, his wisdom, his conviction, his STRENGTH! That is more than enough to enable me to press forward. Ya think? 🙂
So, in the days ahead, I will check in here after some time with the Lord spent asking him “Where am I?” “Where do YOU want me to be, Lord?” “What will I have to do to get there?” “What obstacles need to be removed?”
