Bo has an appointment early Tuesday morning with a different vet clinic than the one who sent the vet out. I haven’t had a vet I really like for years and he is retired now. So anyhow, we begin again early Tuesday morning. I just need to pray for dear Bo and the wisdom and kindness of the vets and staff.
Bo and I will try to get acquainted with the car this weekend and on Monday and hopefully treats and stuff in it will help him to feel better about it. I just don’t know. I may have to muzzle him because he gets sooooo fearful. I am really concerned about that, too. The vet clinic does not want me to sedate him (we used dramamine when we moved from Rocklin).
From what I understand, Bo will probably have to spend the entire day there for tests to be run. Then, depending on the results, if he has heartworm, they would need to hospitalize him. I just don’t know how this will go. I am very uncertain.
Bo is very connected to my Thin Within journey. He was given to us by God just before the writing of the Thin Within book. In fact, God used him throughout the writing of the book and workbook to remind me of His unconditional love for me, his wandering sheep. Bo was a stray who we chose to shower with love–just because it gives us joy. God has chosen to shower love on each one of us just because it gives him joy to do so. God wants us to rest in this new identity he gives to us. Bo is only now, after all this time (over 6 years), beginning to settle into our home (his issue has been my husband) and to trust in the identity he has been given as our special family dog.
God often uses animals and real life things to remind me of powerful lessons and truths and right now, for me and to remember the timing of Bo’s entrance into our life (as a stray who we later discovered was a resident of a wolf rescue) and all the things that God has shown me through him…well…it is pertinent right now, certainly.
If any of you wouldn’t mind praying for Bo…we would appreciate it. He is 10 years old and is quite skittish. His early days, before we got him, set him up to be very fearful. Just about 9 months ago, God caused my path to cross with a lady who recognized my story about Bo (and his name and age matched). She connected me with the lady who placed him in the wolf rescue and I got to find out about Bo’s early life and his mom and dad. Talk about “amazing.” I know God wanted me to have some of my answers.
Since Samson died in July of 2006, Bo has plunged himself even more deeply into our hearts, connecting to my kids and me in deeper ways. He has also begun to make overtures to my husband who has wanted Bo to trust him all this time. My husband has a soft heart for Bo…(well, that will be tested with the upcoming vet bill!).
So, no sooner do I post that Anatomy of a Backslide than I get news from my vet that my 10 year old wolfdog rescue needs to get to the vet clinic and be hospitalized as his white blood count is up…he is terrified of going anywhere and I have the vets come *here* to vaccinate him or, like yesterday, take his blood. He is the only connection I have to the most wonderful Samson who passed away on July 3 2006…Bo was Sammy’s best friend. I just will not be able to handle leaving Bo at a vet clinic for tests…and overnight! Oh my goodness…
So I got that news on the phone and then ate brownies…
I ignored God’s voice.
I totally turned my back.
So here you have it…it is all unraveling…
All I need to do is fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of my faith. All I need to do is pray, to cling to Him. All I need to do is hide myself in Him as my Rock…and yet that seems beyond me now…
Nothing like a dog returning to her vomit.
Observe and correct. Confess and Repent.
Lord, with an act of my will, I turn to you right now. I know that you want me to cling to you, to reach out to you, to hold on to you. EVERYTHING else is shifting sand. No human can do for me what you can. No animal, no matter how precious…No answers, no thing…only you. You alone have what my heart longs for. I have a God-shaped void within me, planted there by you and oh how great is that void right now, Lord. I confess that I have turned my back, shut my ear to your sweet voice. I confess that I have gone my own way…a way that I know leads to misery. I seek your forgiveness, your restoration, your solution. I want your will, your way in my life. NOTHING will have power over me except your Holy Spirit. I choose you, Lord. I choose only you. I confess that I have walked far afield of your will for me and I want to return. I choose to return to the path of God’s provision instead of my own performance. I know that you forgive. I know that you have promised in your word that you cleanse us of all unrighteousness when we confess our sin to you. I receive that cleansing now, Lord. Thank you for it.
You ARE doing a new thing right now. In the past, this turn back the way I have done this in the past week or so would spell disaster…but it WILL NOT MEAN THAT NOW. You are showing me freedom and I know you are showing me that now…even in the mistakes, even in the times when I choose my own way, you are LORD. You are sovereign. You are king. You are my Savior, my Shepherd. I welcome you to restore me now, Lord. I need that. Thank you. Take me, Lord…I want to be wholly yours. In Christ’s name and for His sake…oh and Lord…would you please heal my Bo-man, too? Please, Jesus. I entrust him to your care. He is so precious to me and I know you placed him in our lives…
A caring friend pointed out to me that even if I am struggling, I need to post here. I had confessed to her that I am really in a yucky place right now and she pointed out that I claimed my blog was a chronicle of my “journey” and journeys are filled with rough spots, diversions (at times), hills and valleys. She is right…
I find it interesting that the last time I posted was my entry about *fear*. I feared that I would regain weight. The past week has found me actually on a path to do that very thing, it seems. I wonder if the fear I had actually fed the behavior. In Thin Within week 3 we learn about how what we believe affects our actions. I think that I have believed that I WOULD regain the weight…that I WOULD fail, if you will. This belief has fueled my actions…actions that seem to justify the fear and it is a vicious cycle.
The changes in my mindset that I have allowed lately have been heading in a direction I never imagined heading ever again. There has been nothing that has precipitated it necessarily. It is very subtle, but swift as well. The more I nudge God out of my life, the more often I make excuses about prayerlessness, the more I allow my quiet times to be intellectual exercises instead of being at the feet of my blessed Lord, the more sin I allow to go unconfessed … the more I invite waywardness into my life–the backslide. ALL of these things make a difference in my walk with God. The weight released from my body is a reflection not of my self-control or ability to “do” Thin Within. It is much deeper than that. It is a product of fostering a walk with Him of listening to and heeding His voice in much deeper ways.
If I stop listening to him and stop heeding his voice…the backslide is under way.
So, when I find my eating becoming more chaotic again, I know it is not about Thin Within. It is about my walk with God. It is a barometer of deeper things. I need not to fixate on the keys to conscious eating…I need to focus on the Lord again. I need to invite him to invade my life afresh. I must sit at his feet. I must be still and know that he is God.
Last night I had carmel corn for dinner. This was a product of chaos allowed in my life. I know that it is permissible to have carmel corn for dinner, though definitely not beneficial. And, yes, it was between 0 and 5. But that wasn’t the point. God wanted me to be deliberate, to go to the store, to buy what we needed to offer myself and my kids (hubby is out of town) a meal that provided flavor, yes, and nutrition. I knew that, but I chose to go my way, to do my thing, to minimize, to justify, to throw all the ingredients for a backlide into a big bowl, mix well, and presto…misery.
God is teaching me in all “areas” of my life that there are no “areas” of my life. It is, simply, my LIFE. In my LIFE he wants me to get on the page where pride is put to death. I found that something that I have invested so much of my heart in, my time, my life, my money in is beyond hard. It has been for the four years I have put so much into it…and yet it remains…hard. Rather than get easier, it seems to be getting harder.
On Monday, I just wanted to quit. In fact, I had a bit of a temper tantrum. I told God I wanted to quit because it was too hard…He quietly told me “You always do.” That surprised me. He further made me realize that I quit when things are so hard for me because of pride. There it is again. “Excuse me, Lord? I thought pride had been dealt with!” (Do you hear the pride in that???)
For instance, any sports that don’t come naturally to me and that I don’t excel at, I quit–I don’t bother trying to learn (this is the way it has always been). Now this…I just want to quit. It will take so much more work for me to be what I need to be in this and God has told me that it is pride that makes me want to quit. I can’t settle for being “bad” at it either, as it will affect lots of things and, potentially, my safety. I have to keep trying not just to be “good enough,” but to “be good” at something that is NOT natural for me. I just want to throw in the towel and cry in a heap on the ground over it.
Anyhow, this has been one more way that God has shown me that pride must die. When pride is allowed to go unchecked in any respect (and it is insidious), it affects EVERYTHING. It literally seeps like dirty oil into other aspects of my life…things that I thought were “safe” are not…like my eating. Before you know it, I am making my own choices again and turning my back on the quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) voice of God.
The anatomy of a “backslide” is definitely rooted in pride and strengthened with justifications. Add a hefty dose of prayerlessness and allow feelings to go unchecked…and presto…you have a backslide.
I was preparing for this evening’s online support group chat meeting and looked at a chat transcript three weeks into the support group that Pam Sneed led that I joined starting in early January. This week talks about beliefs and how what we believe affects our behaviors. In that chat, I had said that there were two beliefs that came to my mind that I believe:
1.) That I would get to my natural God-given size
2.) That once there, I wouldn’t stay there.
#1 is obviously one that is a good belief to have. I have found that believing God was doing a NEW THING in my life and that it would show up in my releasing all the extra weight…well, it really has made a difference. God said it and I believed it and I began to live as if it was true because it was.
#2 comes from years of dieting where once you get to your goal weight you then stop the diet and live in fear (it was a matter of time) that you would gain all the weight back and then some. I remember when I did Weight Watchers and lost 100 pounds. Once I was at my goal I remember writing about it…”NOW what?” It was a very difficult place to be. There had been no positive mindset change. In fact, the new body had been formed and shaped around a heart that was even more attached to food than ever. The “arrival” at “goal” felt empty and hollow. My problems seemed loomed larger than life…in fact, some of the things that I thought would no longer be issues once I lost all my weight were there bigger than ever. It was devastating.
With Thin Within, God has been forming, shaping, and renewing my mind. It continues to be worked on and will be worked on for all of my life. There is no “diet” to be done with, so there is no need for “fear” to kick in. I find that old diet habits die hard, though…as fear is prowling trying to take me captive.
So, what strategies will I embrace for this place in my life to which I have come? How will I not fall prey to fear? How will I be sure that I not regain the weight?
1.) Continue to post gratitudes on my Gratitude Blog. Not just posting, but fostering and nurturing a heart of gratitude that I might never get my eyes on anything other than the Lord, who has done so much for me.
2.) Continue to practice the Keys to Conscious Eating. I am pretty diligent with these as I think it has made a lot of difference for me. I sit down and make a “meal time production” out of any eating occasion–no such thing as a “snack!” I focus on my food and try to remain somewhat prayerful through it, being aware of my body and the signals it sends. I do not read, watch videos, TV or anything like that when I eat. I try to be sure the environment is calm. These and the other keys (obviously waiting for hunger, stopping at satisfied and eating what I feel the Lord says is going to taste good and adequately fuel my body) make a huge difference for me.
3.) I need to commit to building a prayer life of dependence on the Lord. I need to do this NOW. In the beginning of this journey I prayed much more unceasingly…now, I seem to act like it is such a bother or something. What a hard heart. I must continue to practice having a SOFT heart in ALL things…not just in food.
I went to the doctor today because I am sick and wondered if I have an infection of some kind. Things look much better than they feel, I guess! LOL!
But here is the news…
1.) The last time I weighed at the doctor’s I was 66 pounds heavier than I weighed today! WHOO HOO!!!!!!
2.) After looking at my chart of all my blood pressure readings that I have been doing lately, the physician assistant agreed with me…no more meds for high blood pressure. I was dizzy taking them because my BP was too low!
WHOO HOO!
Love it love it love it! THANK YOU LORD!
I remember last fall being so FEARFUL that I would die of a heart attack or stroke…and I have freedom from that fear…I am so stunned at all he has done.
Some have said in response to my weight changing so much that God has rewarded my obedience. Hmm….
I have to be honest..it hasn’t felt like *obedience* in the way I thought of it during my Weigh Down Workshop years. This has felt like focusing for all I am worth on my Very Great Reward. It has been about HIM. HE is my reward. (Not weight loss.) I get the Reward *first*…which is HIM…as I focus on HIM and delight in him, some changes happen in my life…and one of them “just happens” to be weight falling off my body. It is a very different mindset for me. Reverse from what it was in Weigh Down.
For me, when I had the attitude in Weigh Down that “God will reward my obedience,” that almost made it sound like “I will do my part and then God, by golly, better do His…” It was arrogant and prideful. God wanted to change my heart first PERIOD. He wanted to change my focus. He wanted me to delight in the goal reached already…the privilege of knowing Him, fellowship with Him, of being close with my Abba Father. There is no “If this…then this…” because Jesus already did it all. As I began to just live what was already purchased for me, to delight in the gifts he paid for with His own blood, things began to just happen inside and out… I think I had it backwards before. The focus wasn’t on the Lord then…It was on my weight. No wonder I struggled! If the focus is on the weight, it is always negotiable. But if the focus is on the Lord and delighting myself in HIM, well, it isn’t negotiable…that is what I will do for eternity, I may as well get started now! 🙂
I got on the scale this morning and I guess it was 10 pounds less than on April 1! I was surprised! The total gone from my body is 62 pounds and I feel SO much better. Given my goal was 50 by now …given that God has had SO much work to do in my heart…I am SOOOOO THRILLED!!!! I can hardly believe the work He has done.
When I began this blog in November of 2006, it was BY FAITH when I called it “God is Doing a New Thing.” I knew the promise of scripture that God IS doing a new thing, but I also knew my own track record…for years, whenever I started back on the path again, I would derail my efforts.
But God is busy at work completing that which he began and by the time I get to heaven he will! LOL! I do feel so much better and I am thankful that the shame is gone. I don’t agonize each week (before church) about what to wear (I know…how worldly minded of me!), and I don’t obsess. Lately, I have been sick and I just haven’t felt up to execising. My REAL life takes a lot out of me. I am not used to being sick, having been healthy for quite a while, so I just let go of my desire to exercise, knowing that my body won’t demand as much food.
There is such freedom here.
Lately, God has been showing me more and more that my body needs less food than I even thought. It isn’t an “anorexic” thing either. It just is the way my body is. Sometimes, I get quite an attitude about it and I hope to see this GONE soon, too. I would like to release ALL hold that I have to food except as fuel. But I still love the things I love just SO much.
One thing, though, that concerns me is that there is still this insidious root of pride and arrogance that seems to weave its way through too many of my thoughts and the moments of life. I want it ERADICATED!
God has shown me recently that I continue to have an ungodly attachment to food. Granted, not like it was, but I haven’t yet experienced total freedom. I know that it pleases him for me to delight in meals that are God-ordained. But I am really blown away by how little it takes to sustain by body. I am so thankful that I have a supportive family that doesn’t obsess about how little I am eating. I am plenty healthy. Gosh, I haven’t been sick at all this year…not since last spring (I think)…not really.
God has shown me that the tiny little snack-wrap, for instance, that I buy at McDonalds when we go is actually a bit more than I need most of the time. What a great surprise! I just assumed that McDonalds can tell me how much I need to eat! LOL! So now, I have been leaving the last 1/4 or so of the snack wrap and tossing it in the trash…I do that before we are done with the meal so that I won’t eat it while I wait for others to finish. Next thing is I want to learn to slow down my eating so much that I pace myself to finish when others do.
Releasing more food and more weight…the best part of it is my heart is lighter.
Boy…yesterday was horrible. I turned my back on the Lord–the lover of my soul. Ok, it didn’t start out as blatant rejection and a hard heart, but that is where it was by the end of the day! BAH!
I had terrible gas all day. Not sure why. That made it pretty tough to feel hunger. BUT, when in doubt, I know better than to just throw food down my throat. I used it as an excuse.
I was massively hungry between Sunday School and the church hour and had a donut. I think that was the last time I felt hunger all day long. :-/
Hubby wanted to go out for lunch and I told him I wouldn’t be hungry for a long while. At 1pm I thought I was hungry, though…briefly. But it went away and I should have waited. I decided to eat anyhow. I cut our burger so I had a tiny “half” off the side and fries, but I know I wasn’t eating 0 to 5, I just at it because.
Then throughout the day, I began to grab at tidbits of food. Not a lot, but that has never been the point. It isn’t the what or how much of the food. It is the WHY and the hardening of the heart when God whispers His desire to me.
I ended the night with mounds of salsa…which I justified as being the only way I eat vegetables. But GOD said NO! Again, I turned my back (and I KNEW I was turning my back)…and I chased the VERY hot salsa with ice cream…good grief.
There were two things that struck me powerfully:
1. The shame that came flowing freely back into my life. Wow.
2. The fact that pride really was at the root of all of this…doing what I wanted with my body, thank you very much.
There is NO room for these things in my life if I am to continue to walk FAITHFULLY with the Lord and live free forever.
So, today, observe and correct. If “gas” keeps the signals for hunger unclear, I won’t eat. Plain and simple. I will ask GOD if I can eat…and stop when he says. I will practice today having a soft heart and perhaps then I will once again. I have felt this rebellion coming on for a while. I should have been on my guard, but I guess I just didn’t WANT to be.
